Category Archives: environment

Mrs May pledges buckets of chips for everyone

Mrs May negotiating a chip.

The Conservative Party has started its campaign of checking the quality of chips in every town in the country.

“I have been absolutely clear right from the start that the foundation of a strong economy is a good plate of chips,” she told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.

“Historically, we’ve always been a nation built on potatoes and we welcome the diversity of modern potato products, like crisps and waffles, along with the more traditional formats, such as roast potatoes and, of course, chips.  Not to mention jacket potatoes, which provide not only carbohydrates but also clothing for poor people.” Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, Civil rights, Economy, environment, Europe, Farming, Food, Lifestyle, Politics

PM gives go ahead to £18bn Hinkley Point Cash generator

hinkleypoint

‘Left a bit, right a bit … yeah, good enough’

Theresa May has finally approved a controversial scheme at Hinkley Point, to process un-spent income into fat profits for France and China.

 

“State involvement in massive infrastructure projects is never a good idea.” asserted the PM today “Unless it’s a foreign State of course, in which case everything’s fine – ‘fill yer boots’ Continue reading

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New Waste Disposal Site is “rubbish” say residents

recycling_centre

“It’s rubbish” say villagers

The improved recycling facility site in Harold, renovated at great expense to the taxpayer, has been condemned as “farcical”, “confusing” and “the product of a diseased mind”.

Renamed in honour of local refuse collecting hero Stanley Biggs, who once singlehandedly fly-tipped the whole village’s rubbish when the 1977 bin-man strike coincided with a heatwave, Biggs Plaza Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, environment, News

“We’re the red hot, redneck USSR”: Australia gets itself written out of UN climate change report to protect tourist dollars

Reef-coral-bleaching_rich

“The Great Barrier Reef was bleached and lifeless when we found it, mate. Honest.”

Sunny but evil Australia has had itself purged from a UN global climate change report believing that any drop in tourism will damage the country immeasurably while climate change itself won’t because they’re immune due to being quite good at cricket and having lots of barbecues.

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Filed under environment, International News

Hard Water Cup retained by Yorkshire in wet final

The Hard Water Cup.

The Hard Water Cup.

FINAL SCORE: Yorkshire 6-1 Devon & Cornwall

Yorkshire Water proved once again how hard it is, with an expected win over soft West Country underdogs in the Hard Water final in the River Calder in Yorkshire in heavy rain.

The West Countrymen had fluked a place in the final with a surprise win over Harold Waterworks last Saturday on the River Gluggle. But the visitors put in a soggy performance in Calderdale as the final ebbed and flowed during the first 20 minutes with neither side able to breach the opponent’s defences.

“We was all wet and wishy-washy,” admitted Barry Babbacombe, the flushed WC manager as they went in at half time 2-0 down. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Defence, environment, floods, Sport

RSPCB warn that Cribbins is ‘last surviving famous Bernard’

image

The Cribbins, seen in its natural environment

The RSPCB’s endangered species watch team reported today that ‘Voice of the Wombles’ Bernard Cribbins is now likely to be the only celebrity called ‘Bernard’ still surviving in the wild in the UK.

“Bernard numbers have been dropping steadily for many years, but until today’s count we had no idea just how rare the famous Bernard has become on these shores,” announced an RSPCB spokesman this morning.

“Conditions have been getting more and more harsh for the native Bernard, and one by one they’ve died out – Shaw, Bresslaw, even Manning – we don’t believe there remains a single breeding pair of Bernards in existence.”

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Filed under environment, News, TV

“Fracking heist!” Thieves to tunnel in and escape with the loot

fracking300300

FRACKING HELL!

A gang, known simply as The Government, is planning an audacious fracking heist, it emerged today.

The gang were heard briefly discussing the matter in Westminster but when challenged to a debate, they ran away laughing.

Friends of the gang will tunnel into shale gas reserves, hidden under areas of outstanding natural beauty, then make off with wheely bins full of cash.

Fracking is a complex process where the ruling party uses high-pressure economic strategies to squeeze every last penny out of the country and into their friends’ pockets.

A gang member, Dave, sought to put things in perspective. “Critics claim that this process often causes collapse of society. But, as we know, there is no such thing as society. Anyway, it will make my rich friends even more rich. I do hope that clears up any misunderstanding.”

The Goverment won’t take part in the raid itself, although individual members are expected to receive a cut of the loot later, in the form of lucrative company directorships and consultancies.

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Filed under environment, News, Politics, science, Technology

Tired Cameron calls for vote to change Syria’s climate.

"You don't need a weatherman..."

“You don’t need a weatherman…”

David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.

Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.

“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.

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Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather

EPA discover Volkswagens fitted with ‘fireplaces and chimneys’.

firebox

The device could cause asthma, and feelings of Christmas.

The environmental Protection Agency has discovered that VW deliberately concealed that their cars have fireplaces capable burning coal and wood.

A technician made the discovery while trying to put the clock back an hour, and in desperation, opened the glovebox to look for the handbook.

“It looked as though someone had plastered over it”, said the agency’s Gordon Evans. “Perhaps in an attempt to make it seem more modern.”
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Filed under environment, Motoring

Rogue community “Fed up” with being blamed for everything at work

ArthurDaley

“Emissions? No, this cigar has a catalytic converter.”

Rogues have come a long way from the fifties and sixties, where they were marginalised into cheeky but loveable roles on the fringes of the economy; think George Cole as Arthur Daley.

You now find rogues occupying important roles in industry, finance and the public sector. But there is still “much to do” say leading rogues, as they continue to be blamed for many of societies ills.

From institutional racism in the police, to systematic greed in the banking sector, the finger is often pointed at a rogue.

And now VW, who find themselves engulfed by emissions test fixing scandals, are suggesting that rogues working as engineers at VW are to blame.

“We just do what they allow us to do,” writes an anonymous rogue in a book that promises to ” lift the lid ” on rogue culture, breaking their strict code of silence.

“Or we just do what everyone else is doing…but with a naughty glint in our eye, and a cheeky smile.”

However rogue community leaders have distanced themselves from the new book, dismissing it as the work of a rogue rogue.

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Filed under Business, environment, Motoring, News

Chernobyl ‘wildlife sanctuary’ revelations rule out nukes for badger cull

badgers

The sum of all fears.

The discovery that wildlife is thriving in the Chernobyl exclusion zone has caused a rethink on using Trident against badgers.

Despite badgers being linked to the spread of bovine TB, the sheer number of moths near Reactor 4 caused a brief pause in the launch countdown.

“Our experts had spotted a family of badgers on the Avon border”, revealed DEFRA minister George Eustice. “And at least one of them seemed to have a slight cough.”
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Shell abandons Arctic drilling until people not looking

oil rig gone

Nothing to see here – photo released by Shell showing oil rigs all gone

The oil giant Shell has announced that its controversial drilling operations off Alaska will stop ‘until everyone has forgotten what evil bastards we are’.

Initial tests had uncovered greater than expected levels of public hatred, the company explained, and therefore the search for oil and gas in the region would be halted ‘forever, or until you all stop watching us, whichever comes first’.

A spokesman for Greenpeace expressed delight at the decision, adding that they would now shift their focus to other endangered areas of the planet, a move which Shell welcomed. Continue reading

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Filed under environment, News

Emissions scandal spreads to German sausages and lager

sausage

Emissions have been linked to worrying levels of accordions.

As VW’s executives admit that they sometimes release noxious gases, Germany’s ‘who smelt it dealt it’ scandal has now spread to the important spiced pork industry.

For years, the EC has imposed ever-tougher environmental rules on the sausage. Along with cheap lager, they’re responsible for 60% of tailpipe emissions.

Consumer champion Pippa Delaney explained the deceit.

“It seems that while German manufacturers claim to make a ‘cleaner wiener’, in reality, they’re churning out the same dirty old bangers.”

“I think they were hoping we wouldn’t kick up a stink about this. But this must be followed through, and follow through I will.”
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Filed under environment, Europe, Food

Giant bat-mincing machine ‘could produce electricity’ warns scientist

It minces bats, but at what price?

It minces bats, but at what price?

Harold’s new giant bat mincer could produce low-carbon electricity, scientists have warned.

Whilst acknowledging that the 100-foot high rotating blades would bring the village a step closer to being bat-free, Dr Rachel Guest fears that one side-effect could be a supply of sustainable power.

“Naturally, the bat mincer has to go ahead”, said Guest, “if we’re to rid our skies of the leathery-winged menace.”

“But we have to work out how to minimise all the electricity this thing will spew out, or it’ll look like we weren’t focusing on mincing bats.”
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Filed under environment, science

Travel chaos: 35 degree heat ‘could cause commuters to stick together’

train

Mind the gap!

Rail experts are warning commuters to avoid travelling in their bathing suits, for fear their sweaty torsos could end up stuck together.

With some slight summer weather forecast for the coming week of summer, Network Rail’s Greg Hostage explained how this could cause chaos.

“We’re not used to it in this country, are we?”, said Hostage. “Which is why when we designed the network, we only imagined the temperature would remain a constant 15 degrees.”

Hostage explained that at 15 degrees, the carriage air-conditioning systems were already running at full capacity, and the rails were on the very point of buckling.

“Imagine what will happen when there’s a freak slight increase in temperature”, he posed. “It’s the sort of unpredictable event that can catch us out, normally during every June, July or August.”

Hostage noticed that just the thought of warm weather had made his thighs stick together, which when scaled up on a computer model saw 1,500 passengers locked in an untangleable, heaving, suction-locked ball.

“Commuters can prevent this by wrapping themselves in cling-film or tin foil, and standing next to someone wearing the opposite”, insisted the Passenger Curtailment Executive. “Or you could ease overcrowding by travelling a little later, perhaps sometime in December?”

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Filed under environment, Travel

Eco-holiday? Why not row a cargo ship?

row boatEco fans can now offset their carbon footprint by taking a cruise on a galley slave-powered cargo ship.

With bookings now being taken to bring 55,000 tonnes of iPhones, smart watches and other electronic crap back from China, just 1,200 ethical adventurers are needed to get it here by Christmas.

“Unfortunately that’s not Christmas this year, and most of this tat will be out of date by 2018”, explained green-tour organizer Damien Howitzer.

“But between them, they will have saved enough fuel to pop the whole lot in the landfill, and still have enough carbon credits left to fly the family to Florida. Well, those that survive, obviously.”
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Filed under environment, Hoildays

Controversy as Primary school sandpit gains blue flag status

cat

Local cat, hatching a ‘stink vole’.

A sandpit that’s as popular with local cats as it is with the school children of Harold has been awarded ‘blue flag’ status.

Beach scientists sifted through the 3 metre by 2 metre site, using their toes and EC-standard flip-flops.

With a clear pass for oil spills and only one sticky penguin found, the team praised the sand for its relative freshness.

“It’s a wonderful eco system, the top inch was relatively barren, but below that, we found some furry, brown ‘stink voles’ that were flourishing” said team leader Nate Grimshaw.
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Filed under Around Harold, environment

Harold’s last traditional Wind Farm faces closure as wind prices hit all time low.

British Wind for British People

British Wind for British People

There is concern among Harold residents that the recent decline in European wind prices may force the village’s last remaining wind farm to cease production.

Wind products have been a major source of income for the village with exports in excess of five million cubic metres being shipped to Scotland each year alone. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Election 2015, Election 2015, environment, Farming, Nature, Technology, Uncategorized

Thousand of idiots waiting beach-side, for huge ‘Darwin’ tide

manonbeachstorm

Andy heads off for a two dozen ’99’ Ice Cream cones, with extra grit

Hordes of dolts with limited imagination have been gathering along the beaches of south west England, hoping to see ‘the high tide of the century’.

“We can hardly wait” enthused popular Harold Curate Andy, pegging his windbreak with pebbles “I’ve heard it could be as high as a four-storey house. What’s that in metric then, about two feet? I can’t see anything going wrong but as I’ve brought the Sunday School class, I’ll allow three for safety.”

Andy explained that, by a stroke of bad luck, he’d just missed out on the Indonesian Tsunami. He’d been back-packing in the area only a month earlier, so he’s determined not miss out on some big-surf-wave action closer to home.

“The man on the TV said we should take precautions to ensure we stay safe and don’t put the emergency services at risk” said Andy “That’s why we’re wearing our b.o.g.o.f Eclipse Glasses.”

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Filed under environment, floods, idiots, News, Weather

Comedy change scientists say winter ‘global warming’ jokes at historical high

'And they call this global warming'

‘And they call this global warming’

Researchers at the Harold Institute of Comedy Studies have released a study showing that jokes about global warming during bouts of freezing cold and wet weather have reached dangerous levels.

Professor Al Jones, who specialises in comedy change, set up instruments throughout the UK to detect winter global warming jokes, and the results show clear evidence of a man-made comedy catastrophe.
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Filed under Around Harold, environment