A loom n yum, as the say in the States.
When ‘A’ was rescued from a B&Q orphanage, he thought a loving family was taking him into their home and their hearts.
“The kids seemed very excited on the way home in the 4×4,” recalled A, “singing ‘Daddy got a ladder’ to the tune of ‘If I had a hammer’. I thought I would soon be enjoying a bowl of homemade soup in a warm kitchen and then the kids would show me where I was sleeping. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”
To his horror, the jeep pulled up the gravel path to the detached double garage. While the children ran into the house to tell mummy about their outing with daddy, A was slid out of the tailgate, had his packaging stripped from him and was roughly shaken before being hung on a pair of hooks inside the garage.
“Yeah, reckon you’ll do,” said the man before switching off the light and shutting the garage door.
In the darkness, a large spider crawled and A heard the familiar creak of aluminium on aluminium.
“Who’s there?” asked A.
“I’m Triple Extension,” said a deep voice in reply, “and this is my wife, Roof. Get to sleep, Steps. There’s work to be done, first thing in the morning.”
“Don’t call me Steps,” cried A.”My name’s A. It’s short for A-Frame. You’re not my real ladder.”
Not to mention the pot holes…
While scientists are over the moon with their discovery of a water lake on Mars, residents of North West England have expressed disappointment that their hosepipe ban will not be cancelled.
“Water on Mars isn’t really going to help with the regional water shortage,” said a spokesman for United Utilities.
“Our job is to manage the water here in Lancashire and we’re not very good at that, so you can’t honestly think, as some have suggested, that we may as well try to run a pipeline from Mars. Not without a feasibility study anyway.”
“Hmm… it’s worth a try, Spock.”
“China has been ripping us off with their steel and, if we’re not careful, they’ll have all the moon-cheese too,” said Trump. “That is why I have asked NASA to set up Space Patrol, to guard the intergalactic highways, to stop illegal aliens crossing Earth’s atmosphere and to protect against the theft of all the Kryptonite.”
Having recently travelled to N Korea to give the ‘jolly fat rocket-man’ an earful, Trump has developed a new taste for boldly going where no President has been before.
“I want NASA to fly me to Mars,” he said. “I’ve seen pictures of it and it definitely looks a bit red. You don’t need a degree in astrophysics to know what that means. And why are the Martians green? Are they naive climate-control freaks? It’s obvious to me they’re a threat and sooner or later they will invade. That’s why I need to get up there and do a deal with them.” Continue reading
Following Nigel Farage’s protest about the UK government giving in to the EU by throwing fish into the Thames, the oily specimen found himself in the same boat when a dozen kippers rounded on him and dumped him in the choppy waters.
“He’s always banging on about self-determination,” said a spokesfish for the North Sea inhabitants, “but nobody’s bothered to ask us for our views.”
Totally wet and spineless, Nigel Farage is famous for having attended only one of over forty EU Fisheries Committee meetings as an MEP. Continue reading
“So I lost the codes. It’s no big deal.”
The White House was in meltdown today following President Trump’s tweet “OMG I lost the codes!” only hours before he was due to declare all-out nuclear war on N Korea.
“These things happen,” he tweeted.
Working on the theory the codes may have been stolen by a pickpocket working for the enemy, all of Trump’s fingers were pointing at a single suspect. Continue reading
Hang ’em high.
The Labour Party has voted unanimously in favour of more overhead floral growth as a peaceful and environmentally-friendly deterrent against terrorism.
Moving the motion, Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott left the delegates in suspense for a moment when she called for a vote to “Bring back hanging” before pausing to take a sip of water then adding “baskets”.
The idea has been welcomed by Harold psychologist Dr Freya Fairchild.
“Studies have shown that in an environment of pretty colours, sweet scent and Continue reading
Mrs May negotiating a chip.
The Conservative Party has started its campaign of checking the quality of chips in every town in the country.
“I have been absolutely clear right from the start that the foundation of a strong economy is a good plate of chips,” she told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.
“Historically, we’ve always been a nation built on potatoes and we welcome the diversity of modern potato products, like crisps and waffles, along with the more traditional formats, such as roast potatoes and, of course, chips. Not to mention jacket potatoes, which provide not only carbohydrates but also clothing for poor people.” Continue reading
‘Left a bit, right a bit … yeah, good enough’
Theresa May has finally approved a controversial scheme at Hinkley Point, to process un-spent income into fat profits for France and China.
“State involvement in massive infrastructure projects is never a good idea.” asserted the PM today “Unless it’s a foreign State of course, in which case everything’s fine – ‘fill yer boots’ Continue reading
“It’s rubbish” say villagers
The improved recycling facility site in Harold, renovated at great expense to the taxpayer, has been condemned as “farcical”, “confusing” and “the product of a diseased mind”.
Renamed in honour of local refuse collecting hero Stanley Biggs, who once singlehandedly fly-tipped the whole village’s rubbish when the 1977 bin-man strike coincided with a heatwave, Biggs Plaza Continue reading
“The Great Barrier Reef was bleached and lifeless when we found it, mate. Honest.”
Sunny but evil Australia has had itself purged from a UN global climate change report believing that any drop in tourism will damage the country immeasurably while climate change itself won’t because they’re immune due to being quite good at cricket and having lots of barbecues.
The Hard Water Cup.
FINAL SCORE: Yorkshire 6-1 Devon & Cornwall
Yorkshire Water proved once again how hard it is, with an expected win over soft West Country underdogs in the Hard Water final in the River Calder in Yorkshire in heavy rain.
The West Countrymen had fluked a place in the final with a surprise win over Harold Waterworks last Saturday on the River Gluggle. But the visitors put in a soggy performance in Calderdale as the final ebbed and flowed during the first 20 minutes with neither side able to breach the opponent’s defences.
“We was all wet and wishy-washy,” admitted Barry Babbacombe, the flushed WC manager as they went in at half time 2-0 down. Continue reading
The Cribbins, seen in its natural environment
The RSPCB’s endangered species watch team reported today that ‘Voice of the Wombles’ Bernard Cribbins is now likely to be the only celebrity called ‘Bernard’ still surviving in the wild in the UK.
“Bernard numbers have been dropping steadily for many years, but until today’s count we had no idea just how rare the famous Bernard has become on these shores,” announced an RSPCB spokesman this morning.
“Conditions have been getting more and more harsh for the native Bernard, and one by one they’ve died out – Shaw, Bresslaw, even Manning – we don’t believe there remains a single breeding pair of Bernards in existence.”
A gang, known simply as The Government, is planning an audacious fracking heist, it emerged today.
The gang were heard briefly discussing the matter in Westminster but when challenged to a debate, they ran away laughing.
Friends of the gang will tunnel into shale gas reserves, hidden under areas of outstanding natural beauty, then make off with wheely bins full of cash.
Fracking is a complex process where the ruling party uses high-pressure economic strategies to squeeze every last penny out of the country and into their friends’ pockets.
A gang member, Dave, sought to put things in perspective. “Critics claim that this process often causes collapse of society. But, as we know, there is no such thing as society. Anyway, it will make my rich friends even more rich. I do hope that clears up any misunderstanding.”
The Goverment won’t take part in the raid itself, although individual members are expected to receive a cut of the loot later, in the form of lucrative company directorships and consultancies.
“You don’t need a weatherman…”
David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.
Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.
“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.
Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather
The device could cause asthma, and feelings of Christmas.
The environmental Protection Agency has discovered that VW deliberately concealed that their cars have fireplaces capable burning coal and wood.
A technician made the discovery while trying to put the clock back an hour, and in desperation, opened the glovebox to look for the handbook.
“It looked as though someone had plastered over it”, said the agency’s Gordon Evans. “Perhaps in an attempt to make it seem more modern.”
“Emissions? No, this cigar has a catalytic converter.”
Rogues have come a long way from the fifties and sixties, where they were marginalised into cheeky but loveable roles on the fringes of the economy; think George Cole as Arthur Daley.
You now find rogues occupying important roles in industry, finance and the public sector. But there is still “much to do” say leading rogues, as they continue to be blamed for many of societies ills.
From institutional racism in the police, to systematic greed in the banking sector, the finger is often pointed at a rogue.
And now VW, who find themselves engulfed by emissions test fixing scandals, are suggesting that rogues working as engineers at VW are to blame.
“We just do what they allow us to do,” writes an anonymous rogue in a book that promises to ” lift the lid ” on rogue culture, breaking their strict code of silence.
“Or we just do what everyone else is doing…but with a naughty glint in our eye, and a cheeky smile.”
However rogue community leaders have distanced themselves from the new book, dismissing it as the work of a rogue rogue.
The sum of all fears.
The discovery that wildlife is thriving in the Chernobyl exclusion zone has caused a rethink on using Trident against badgers.
Despite badgers being linked to the spread of bovine TB, the sheer number of moths near Reactor 4 caused a brief pause in the launch countdown.
“Our experts had spotted a family of badgers on the Avon border”, revealed DEFRA minister George Eustice. “And at least one of them seemed to have a slight cough.”
Nothing to see here – photo released by Shell showing oil rigs all gone
The oil giant Shell has announced that its controversial drilling operations off Alaska will stop ‘until everyone has forgotten what evil bastards we are’.
Initial tests had uncovered greater than expected levels of public hatred, the company explained, and therefore the search for oil and gas in the region would be halted ‘forever, or until you all stop watching us, whichever comes first’.
A spokesman for Greenpeace expressed delight at the decision, adding that they would now shift their focus to other endangered areas of the planet, a move which Shell welcomed. Continue reading
Emissions have been linked to worrying levels of accordions.
As VW’s executives admit that they sometimes release noxious gases, Germany’s ‘who smelt it dealt it’ scandal has now spread to the important spiced pork industry.
For years, the EC has imposed ever-tougher environmental rules on the sausage. Along with cheap lager, they’re responsible for 60% of tailpipe emissions.
Consumer champion Pippa Delaney explained the deceit.
“It seems that while German manufacturers claim to make a ‘cleaner wiener’, in reality, they’re churning out the same dirty old bangers.”
“I think they were hoping we wouldn’t kick up a stink about this. But this must be followed through, and follow through I will.”
It minces bats, but at what price?
Harold’s new giant bat mincer could produce low-carbon electricity, scientists have warned.
Whilst acknowledging that the 100-foot high rotating blades would bring the village a step closer to being bat-free, Dr Rachel Guest fears that one side-effect could be a supply of sustainable power.
“Naturally, the bat mincer has to go ahead”, said Guest, “if we’re to rid our skies of the leathery-winged menace.”
“But we have to work out how to minimise all the electricity this thing will spew out, or it’ll look like we weren’t focusing on mincing bats.”