Jeremy Corbyn offers Owen Smith job as Labour Party gimp.

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Taking one for the team.

Casting aside his opponent’s offer of a role as party president, Mr Corbyn has told Owen Smith that when, sorry if, he is re-elected as party leader, his erstwhile challenger will be given a new honourary position of his own; that of dominated rubber clad party bitch. Continue reading

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Pukka Pies and Bisto announce new partnerships with England football team

Ahh, hydration for elite level athletes

Ahh, hydration for elite level athletes

Following the appointment of Sam Allardyce as England manager both Pukka Pies and Bisto have swiftly agreed sponsorship deals with the FA.

Leicestershire based Pukka Pies will give free pies to the England squad as part of the deal, on the condition that Allardyce is regularly seen on the touchline with a pie in his hand. This is not expected to be a stumbling block, with chicken and mushroom scheduled for the first half of matches, followed by steak and kidney for the second. Continue reading

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“£4.5Million? Great value” says Blair as 180,000 new members mysteriously sign up from same IP address

“It feels just like the old days”

A giggly Tony Blair was seen yesterday, waving his credit card in the air and shouting “Let’s see you match that, Corbyn!” as security staff tried to ease him back into his home.

The former PM explained that he got the idea of multiple membership from Tories who signed up for £3 last year and voted for Jeremy Corbyn.

“Cherie and I hit the phones on Tuesday morning. We started at Adam Aardvark and reached Zebedee Zidane by Wednesday lunch. Continue reading

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“It’s too hot” says man who moaned last week that summer was over

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“How is anyone supposed to live in temperatures like these?”

A local man who thinks the winds, waves, and ultimately the varying temperature of the sun are personally out to spite him, has “had enough of it.”

Daytime temperatures in Harold have soared to 26℃ and Adam Cassidy believes it’s time to take a stand.

“I like it hot as much as anybody else, but this is too hot.” complained Cassidy, a part-time conspiracy theorist, who confirmed that a steady 22.4℃ with a light south westerly breeze would be perfect. “But not too much of a breeze, otherwise it makes the blinds rattle when I open the windows.”.

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Government to explain why missile that could kill millions is essential for peace

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It doesn’t look overly peaceful

Theresa May will tell the House of Commons later on today why it is essential for the UK to spend billions upon billions on a missile system that we’re not allowed to use without the US saying we can even though they’ve got lots of missiles of their own and in the event of nuclear war will hog all the blowy-uppy action for themselves in order to make America, F*** Yeah! action films about it later. Continue reading

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Cameron and Osborne resume their ‘inheritor of money’ careers

cameron-osborneA few days after their ‘funneling money to their mates’ careers ended, David Cameron and George Osborne have resumed their ‘inheritor of money’ careers.

The pair were said to be exhausted after 6 years of coming up with ever more outlandish reasons why the poor had to bear the brunt of austerity, and pleased to now have the more relaxing job of rolling around in a pile of daddy’s money.
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Theresa May promises to listen to Nicola Sturgeon before ignoring her

Britain's new Prime Minister Theresa May (L) is greet by Scotland's First Minister Nicola Sturgeon (R) as she arrives for talks at Bute House, in Edinburgh, on July 15, 2016. Theresa May visited Scotland for talks with the First Minister less than 48 hours after taking office as British prime minister. / AFP PHOTO / Lesley MartinLESLEY MARTIN/AFP/Getty Images

Sturgeon checks if May is a Freemason

Theresa May says she is “willing to listen to options” on Scotland’s relationship with the EU as long as Nicola Sturgeon understands she won’t actually be changing her mind.

Indeed, so as to avoid any misunderstanding, the Prime Minister made Sturgeon tick a box yesterday, agreeing to May’s terms and conditions, before she’d let discussions begin.

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“Something nice bound to happen soon,” says everyone hopefully

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Maybe it’ll involve badgers. We hope so, they’re ace

As the world continues its headlong rush towards the pit labelled ‘unceasing bobbins’ people are consoling themselves with the fact that something nice is surely going to occur at some point. Maybe. P’raps. Yeah?

“I reckon it’s like roulette,” local councillor Nina O’Neill told us. “After lots of red, you’re due a black and up it always comes. That isn’t how numbers and physical objects work? Oh, we’re buggered then.” Continue reading

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Teachers delighted to have third minister in two years

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Justine Greening. Or is it Liz Truss? Who wrote ‘Eats, Shoots and Leaves’?

School staff are overjoyed to have a new Education Secretary, after the old one hung around for almost two whole years.

“Don’t get me wrong” said Harold teaching assistant Carly Jeffery “Nicky Morgan was great at first. But she sort-of ran out of steam. We’d sometimes go weeks without a new plan to combat left-wing teacher-training of the 1970’s.”

Ms Jeffery hopes new Education Secretary, Justine Greening will have plenty of new ideas Continue reading

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Osborne delighted to have more time to play Pokémon GO

Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.

File claims he’s already caught Mew in the same place you filed his claim to have saved the economy

Ex-Chancellor and future warning from history George Osborne has spoken of his delight at being sacked by Theresa May and dumped on the backbenches like an unwanted puppy on a country road. Continue reading

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Are Labour rebels terrified Jeremy Corbyn will WIN general election?

18895_Jeremy-Corbyn-eyes-victoryIs the real reason Labour rebels are trying to get rid of Jeremy Corbyn because they are really really really scared he will win the general election?

Are Blairites (or is that Blairongs?) worried that a Corbyn victory could lead to the end of banker and defence contractor junkets, and consign them to years in the wilderness where a Murdoch party invitation and an oil war are both pipe dreams?

A future SO terrible they’d have to pay for their own drinks?
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Hooray, it’s May Day!

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The Mall, two minutes ago

A deliriously joyful nation has taken to the streets this morning to praise its new Prime Minister. A packed program of events sees celebrations taking place all over the country as Brits chuckle themselves to the point of orgasm over the ascension of another unelected leader who has consistently voted in favour of military intervention abroad and increased powers for the security services to monitor people’s activities at home. Continue reading

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Unemployed father of 129 asks to join Tory leadership race

kyleWith number of children now the key factor in choosing the Tory leader, unemployed father of 129 Dave Grobbelaar has applied to join the race.

Grobbelaar, who lives in Harold’s Shippam’s Estate, said he didn’t want to knock people who had less than 100 children, but he felt constantly fathering children gave him an unmmatched stake in the future of the country.
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“UKIP asks ‘should we all be racists now?'”

Leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) Nigel Farage poses during a media launch for an EU referendum poster in London, Britain June 16, 2016. REUTERS/Stefan Wermuth

Every picture of this poster has bl**dy Farage standing in front of it

UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.

In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.

“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”

“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading

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Vegan repeatedly insists she never even thinks about eating succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin

julie kettleA local vegan is absolutely adamant she never even thinks about eating succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, and she is sick of having to point this out multiple times a day.

Julie Kettle, a shopkeeper from Harold, says people are constantly saying ‘oh, you’re a vegan’ and it gets a bit boring having to reply ‘yes I am, and I don’t even think about succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin flavoured with smoked paprika and mustard’.
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US running out of people to kill in shooting rampages

empty townMass shootings could soon to be thing of the past as the latest massacre sees the US population dwindle to 27.

Mass shooting are technically defined as four or more people, which means the popular pastime could be off-limits inside a week.
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Everyone’s forgotten who this bloke is

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He was the bass player in Gene, wasn’t he?

A shock poll has revealed that most people have forgotten who the windy sack of bobbins pictured on the left is. While his wide red face does ring a vague bell few are able to commit and state precisely why they know him.

“Something to do with livestock?” guessed local farmer, Phil Evans. “I remember having to put a no entry sign on the pigsties but I’m buggered if I know why.” Continue reading

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Blairexit: UK to hold referendum on whether to hang or shoot Tony Blair

Blair selfie Britain faces another divisive referendum over the exact method of dispatching monger of wars Tony Blair.

Harold shop owner Julie Kettle says she regrets not being informed enough about the EU referendum, so she’s really done her homework this time.
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Blair says Chilcot report proves Corbyn lacks the skills to organise an oil war

'The WMD was THIS big'

‘The WMD was THIS big’

Foreign dictator consultant Tony Blair says Jeremy Corbyn lacks the basic skills to organise an oil war, and should resign as Labour leader immediately.

“Just a glance at the Chilcot report shows just how unsuited Corbyn is to lead the country into a Middle Eastern war” said foreign dictator consultant Blair.

“The report rightly praised me for taking the most flimsy intelligence in a dossier and misrepresenting it so well that people were convinced Saddam could make a nuclear bomb from sand. Can you imagine Corbyn doing that if he’d been PM? He’s so naive he’d have just told the British public there was no immediate threat which would make it very hard to have a decent war.”
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Chilcot release: Blair and friends gather at country house to find out whodunnit

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Sir John Chilcot: don’t argue with us, it bloody is.

Human embodiment of the abyss staring back at you, Tony Blair, has gone to Sir John Chilcot’s remote manor house along with Alastair Campbell, Clare Short, General Sir Michael Jackson, and other former senior politicians and military figures to find out which if them is guilty of mass-murder most foul.

After a long dinner expected to be interrupted only by the revelation that two of the guests are long-lost siblings and then a power cut during which gun fire will be heard everyone will gather in the billiard room to hear Sir John Chilcot’s verdict. Continue reading

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