Frustrated by the UK population’s inability to be scared stupid, the Home Secretary has announced that the government has raised the UK threat level to Eeeep! Meaning that a terrorist attack is deffo totes likely, p’raps, ish, maybe. Continue reading
Are you a child of the 1970s? Did you grow up in one of the UK’s favourite decades? Bathe in nostalgia as our top five list takes you back down memory lane!
1 – Milk. Ah! Milk! Can you remember milk? This off-white fluid was drained from cows by the bucketload, and snapped up by shoppers in exchange for money. Perhaps you drank it, or wore vials of it as a status symbol. It proved so popular, some still buy it today!
2 – Television. It had been around for a while, but tvs were still available in the 70s. Right through from January 1970, to the very end of 1979. Like today, it bought household names right into our living rooms: household names we would later realise were notorious paedophiles.
3 – Shoes. You weren’t anyone in the 70s without a set of shoes to speak of. Perhaps you had more than one, or as many as six? Worn on the feet, they made walking a real possibility. Tell that to kids these days and they just won’t believe you.
4 – Thursdays. A week in the 70s wasn’t a proper week unless there was a Thursday in it! Along with Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Thursdays survive to this day, despite campaigners at the time calling for a three-day week. Not to be confused with Flimsday, which was discontinued in 1978.
5 – School. Like a big house nearby where you went to learn things, many children in the 1970s whiled away their days in a ‘school’. There were no teachers back then of course: just a cobweb-filled basement. And an elderly man in his underpants who would poke you with Kitkats.
After declining to give an opinion on the referendum Andy Murray has finally acknowledged that if Scotland becomes independent then he will be just as gloomy playing tennis wearing a Saltire as he ever has been wearing a Union Flag. Continue reading
A furious judge, resplendent in silver-buckled patent leather shoes, gave a lawyer a public dressing down yesterday, for looking like ‘something out of Harry Potter’.
Brushing specks of imaginary dust from his frilly white ruff, Judge Davd Wynn Morgan tore into solicitor-advocate Alan Blacker, who had sewn ribbons and St John Ambulance medals onto his robes.
“If you want to look like something out of Harry Potter, don’t come into my court again” sneered Judge Morgan, tugging down on his black tights Continue reading
Simon Cowell has defended lowering the X-Factor’s age limit to toddlers, denying it’s just an exploitative ratings grab.
“This decision has been made in order to create the best show,” Cowell said, with the air of a man flogging a dead horse at the bottom of a barrel. “Obviously we wouldn’t just let any three year old through. They have to be mentally up for it and talented enough, and also fully toilet trained.” Continue reading
Home Secretary Theresa May said: “Early indications show the decision to replace the previous Dr with an older model for his latest attempts to save the world hasn’t dampened al-Qaeda’s willingness to harm the UK.
“They have also cottoned on to the fact that as modern day terrorists, they are low down on the time lord’s watch list behind statues, Daleks, Cybermen, and killer droids.”
The ‘severe’ threat level is the fourth highest of five. Any further risk may see the risk rise to an unprecedented ‘quick, to the Tardis, it’s first come first served’ level.
The new rating means that an attack from human-based baddies is ‘highly likely’, but a spokeswoman for the Dr said that is not really ‘his thing’.
“Dr Who, no matter which incarnation, has never really been into local earth terrorists instead preferring to deal with the more space, time and sci-fi type,” Clara Oswald explained.
“Some people think this is a little selfish seeing as religious fundamentalists are this country’s biggest threat. But you’d choose the same if your travelling options are between the Tardis to a far away planet or parallel universe or an Easyjet flight to Baghdad.”
With Douglas Carswell defecting to Ukip and forcing a by-election, but Ukip’s current candidate Roger Lord refusing to step aside, the electorate in Clacton have been left in enviable position of having two Ukip candidates not to vote for.
“This is a Tory safe seat,” one voter told us, “and I can’t see that changing, it’s just now we have two Ukip candidate to laugh at then ignore on the ballot paper.”
“Obviously I know nothing about them crossing the border,” Putin said, “but I do know that Russian holidaymakers take their holidays very seriously, especially when they are on holiday from military duty and in an area that Russia is keen to control.
With the news that the stunningly good looking full time charity workers and occasional movie stars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married this weekend the pathetic and lonely have come to realise that they were never in with a chance to begin with. Continue reading
Eerie reminder to be careful what you wish for; Gordon Brown has issued a dire warning aimed at those intending to vote for Scotland to become independent. Speaking at an event in support of the Better Together campaign the former Prime Minister announced that in an independent Scotland it will always be winter but never Christmas. He also claimed that inequality and poverty could “survive until doomsday”. Continue reading
Assistant Manager Ryan Giggs justified the super injunction saying that a number of Man U players and coaching staff were very highly paid professionals, and their reputations could be ruined if it emerged that the team had lost, say by four goals, to some 3rd tier team or other.
Have you been told by your employers that tattoos are unacceptable? Well, hope is at hand thanks to Harold tattooist Dave Zhou who has invented a technique which provides perfect invisible tattoos, which means you can have a tattoo anywhere you like without your boss being able to see it.
Being a police officer, PC Anita Flegg had been unable to display even the tiniest of tattoos until now, so she was one of Dave Zhou’s first customers when he advertised the new product. She is delighted with the results.
“It’s been a real bore not being able to have tats like my mates,” she told the Evening Harold, “but now, thanks to Dave’s skills, I’m thrilled to have a tattoo on my forehead which reads ‘Make my day, punk’ which I know is there but no one can see, so I can’t get into trouble at work. It’s so empowering.” Continue reading
The Police Federation has rowed back on its welcome for the stop & search Code of Conduct, which at first they’d mistakenly taken to be a ‘colour code’.
“To say we’re disappointed would be an understatement” said spokesperson John Bigot
“We’d even had a batch of Dulux-type colour charts made for new officers, to take the guesswork out of their racism until they’re up to speed.”
A suspicion that a citizen might not have generations of English born ancestors, dating back to 1066, will no longer be sufficient to justify Continue reading
Local inventors Dr Rachel Guest and Dr John Goody are overwhelmed by the success of their new anti-rape innovation. The prosthetic teeth which a woman does not put in her mouth are, according to their creators, “stylish and very, very sharp.” Continue reading
Revealing the changes, Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Hunt said, “Top tax payers such as doctors and fellow Tories shouldn’t have to suffer the additional stress of having to pay for exorbitant car parking on top of the hassle of working at a hospital or having to visit relatives, too poor to go private.” Continue reading
Currently under fire for advising Kazakhstan’s President Nursultan Nazarbayev on how to spin the murder of unarmed protesters, Tony Blair has come clean about another controversial client of his: Satan. Continue reading
The second Scottish independence debate has this morning taken a bizarre turn with the Yes campaign revealing that they have benched Alex Salmond in favour of prominent womble Tobermory.
“Alex had a shocker in the first debate,” said his advisor Claire Howell. “Somehow he managed to fail in the very simple task of being less off-putting than Alistair Darling. So for tonight we’re pulling out the big guns and letting Tobermory fly the flag for independence.”
Tobermory is expected to centre his arguments on the basic right of being allowed to womble free and to point out that Scotland will be fine without England as it will make good use of the things that it finds, specifically billions of pounds worth of oil.
As the Bárðarbunga volcano continues to smoke and spew harder than teens at the end of a night out in Cardiff, UK commuters are being warned that it remains a crap reason for not going in to work. Continue reading
Paparazzi have asked fans to pray for the recovery of Paul Gascoigne (48 colummn inches).
He was papped earlier this week looking hagard, belying his ability to still shift papers.
The footballing legend is being treated in hospital for a serious illness, which many people feel entitled to be informed about and then make judgements upon.
A worried jackal, Brian (300mm, f stop 5.7), spoke from the scrum outside the hospital ‘I really hope he’s not drinking that gin I gave him, at least not all of it. I bought an appartment on the Algarve thanks to Gazza, and I really owed him one.’
Concerned vampire Simon (50mm, mainly portrait work) agreed. ‘I got him to agree to an exclusive tomorrow, if he makes it through the night. But I also spoke with Geoff, a former team mate (pundit rates, less 10% for cash) who agreed I can make up some quotes for him to say, so I’m covered whatever the outcome.’ Continue reading
Theresa May has welcomed the news that 10% of the electorate voted in the West Midlands Police & Crime Commissioner by-election.
“Brilliant news. This shows how happy people are with the system I made up. Otherwise they wouldn’t have stayed indoors watching Eastenders, but turned out to vote.”
Mrs May explained exactly why crime figures have been falling steadily for many years both at home and right across western Europe.
“Since 1995, crime in England and Wales has fallen by nearly 60%, which I am linking directly to my having introduced PCCs in 2012. Continue reading
London house prices continued their spiral into madness today when a bucket in Islington sold for £310,000. Described by Renfield estate agents as “a compact and funky urban living space” they urged potential buyers to “snap this bargain property up and live in style in an ultra-modern home with vibrant colour scheme and two handles.”
Within twenty four hours of being on the market the bucket had been viewed a dozen times and been subject to over thirty offers. The buyer, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that they were delighted with their new bucket and especially pleased with its duel-purpose nature which means they can take it to the Devon coast and use it as a second home. Continue reading
Passengers arriving at Luton Airport have voted it Britain’s worst airport citing the fact you end a lovely flight in Luton as the main reason.
The survey by the consumer group Which? showed that top of the list was the confusingly named Robin Hood Doncaster Sheffield Airport.
“The biggest asset going for the winner was that despite the name, you were still a good 20 minute drive from either Doncaster or Sheffield” Which? executive director Richard Lloyd said
Iain Duncan Smith has become the first person in the public eye to refuse to do the ALS ice-bucket challenge.
The Secretary of State for Work and Pensions had received thousands of nominations from the victims of Atos assessments and unfair benefit sanctions but has declined to take part.
The multi-millionaire was then asked how much he will donate the ALS Association as a forfeit however he made it clear that he wouldn’t be doing that either.
“Handouts are good for no one,” he said. “If people want a cure for ALS they should stop skiving and work for it.”
Duncan Smith said that he ultimately refused the challenge on health and safety grounds.
“I was told this challenge was about ice and water,” he said. “What those Atos shirkers had filled my bucket with was most definitely neither.”
The BBC have announced that Richard Dawkins is to join the Top Gear team when the show returns for its new season.
Dawkins, who has this week ignited fresh controversy by saying that a woman who knows her child will be born with Down’s Syndrome would be immoral if she did not abort it, has frequently hit the headlines for making inflammatory statements. In July he said that date rape wasn’t as bad as stranger rape and at Easter tweeted “Hershey’s is far superior to Dairy Milk. Anyone who disagrees should go away and learn how to think.” Continue reading
With less than a month to go until the independence referendum both sides are causing confusion by deploying BBC Scotland’s Mrs Brown’s Boys as their latest campaign weapon.
While the No side say that an independent Scotland would result in BBC Scotland being much smaller and having no money to produce shows such as Mrs Brown’s Boys and Waterloo Road the Yes side are saying exactly the same thing. Continue reading
In a desperate attempt to counter falling membership levels, the Liberal Democrats have loosened their membership rules to welcome sexual predators into the party.
One member, known only as “Lord R”, had his membership suspended after incidents of “inadvertently” “encroaching” upon the “personal space” of women in the “party”, but has since apologised, which makes everything OK.
Party leader Nick Clegg said the Liberal Democrats had been forced to take a “long, hard look in the mirror” since these allegations were made last year, omitting to mention that the mirror in question was fastened to the toecap of Lord R’s right boot, and used primarily while standing behind females on escalators. Continue reading
Following yet another unpleasant incident, UKIP leader Nigel Farage insisted today that UKIP is “trying really really hard to not look racist”, and people should be applauding the huge efforts the party is making in this area.
“People act as if not being racist is easy”, he complained to a party meeting of nice white people this morning. “Well, it’s not. How many of us can get through a morning without slagging off black or Asian people? I know I can’t.”
“It’s so unfair,” he continued, a dribble of spittle hanging from the gathering foam at his lips. “Many of us in UKIP hardly show we’re racist ever, and then there’s one incident like this where it slips out, and suddenly we’re the bad guys.” Continue reading
Straight after the news that Sainsbury’s had withdrawn all meat products, due to concerns about protesting vegetarians, and vegetables due to fears of upsetting meat eaters, the retail giant has announced they will not stock any Christmas related items in the run up to December 25th.
“It wasn’t an easy decision,” said a spokesperson, “ the run up to Christmas is usually our busiest time, but the majority of our customers aren’t real Christians and we didn’t want them to become upset and start cutting people’s heads off and putting the footage on twitter. That wouldn’t be great publicity, would it?” Continue reading
A spokesperson from Ecuador’s embassy in London revealed the ambassador’s “great relief” that two years of diplomatic hinting had finally achieved the desired effect of getting Julian Assange to end his extended stay in their spare room.
Assange has for many many months been insisting he is perfectly comfortable living in refuge in the embassy, while the official Ecuadorian welcome has gradually become more and more muted.
David Cameron has clarified that it’s Tory supporters’ and city bankers’ families will most benefit from any future Government policies.
“I thought it best to make that clear, far enough ahead of the election for other people to forget it.”
Hundreds of thousands of households are causing a serious drain on public resources with ‘off the barometer’ dysfunctional behaviour, says Cameron.
The PM today announced a significant amendments to the Troubled Families programme, initially set up to help 120,000 seriously troubled families.
“We found money raised by hard-working taxpayers was propping up lazy, feckless idiots who were never going to vote Conservative anyway, however much we gave them. We’re now cutting out all that stuff.”
According to respected social commentator, Richard Littlejohn, Continue reading
Labour MP Austin Mitchell has revealed the full and tragic extent of his memory loss. In an interview yesterday it soon became obvious that he couldn’t even remember meeting a woman nor any details of life between 1979 and 1990. Continue reading
The scheme will ensure the ‘scroungers’ don’t waste taxpayers’ money by ensuring it is only used to but the essentials, and not on lavish dinners, homes for their parents and duck houses.
In order to reflect the diversity of the UK and the fact that it is home to people of many faiths and none, Travelodge has removed copies of the Bible from all its rooms and replaced them with copies of Fifty Shades of Grey and a Freddo bar.
Travelodge spokeswoman, Kat Simmonds, told the Evening Harold that when it came to having the Bible loose “we didn’t feel it was appropriate and so have replaced it with what our research tells us is the best alternative.”
“We realised that most people who stay in a Travelodge are alone and wondering why their life has come to this,” Kat Simmonds explained. “So the chocolate is there for some emotional over-eating and Fifty Shades is provided for the kind of joyless bout of self-pleasure that only someone who has to stay in budget inns a lot will understand.” Continue reading
Westboro Baptist Church’s announcement that they will picket Robin William’s funeral on the grounds that he was a “fag pimp” has prompted God to announce that he has always picketed them and in fact has never once been inside nor ever met any of its members. Continue reading
Unlike previous presidents like Ronald Regan, who asked his wife’s astrologist, or Bill Clinton, who consulted whoever he was sleeping with at the time, Obama has modelled his chart on the past thirty years of US foreign involvement. Continue reading
Uncertainty surrounds the movement of an enormous wooden horse approaching east Ukraine from Russia after Ukrainian officials said there could definitely be something fishy about the whole business.
The horse, measuring roughly the size of a division of infantry stacked in a pile, is currently stalled in the Voronezh area, some 300 miles from Moscow. Observers said the horse appeared to be abandoned, but noted the muffled noise of troop manoeuvres coming from ‘somewhere hollow nearby’.
There have been fears Russia could use the horse in some way to launch a surprise offensive in Ukraine, but military experts think this is unlikely.
UK army spokesman Brigadier Lethbridge-Lethbridge pointed out to journalists that the day of the military horse was very much in the past.
“Hard to see how the Russians could get any tactical advantage out of this,” he confirmed. “A large, harmless although surprisingly heavy wooden animal has almost no use on the battlefield whatsoever. Our own tests with mahogany giraffes were a miserable failure.”
A Red Cross spokesman insisted the horse convoy was nothing to do with them, but asked the Ukrainian authorities to consider the potential humanitarian benefits before refusing it. “Our thoughts are with the civilians that have seen their families and homes torn apart in the conflict,” he insisted. “It might not be obvious how much help a gigantic hollow grazing animal could be, but it’s the thought that counts, surely.”
“Provocation by a cynical aggressor is not permissible on our territory,” Ukrainian Interior Minister Arsen Avakov said in a statement today. “We expect nothing more than treachery from the Russian aggressor, and for that reason we are proposing to tow the horse right into the middle of our capital city and then leave it alone all night. That should show them.”
The World Wide Fund for Nature has announced that the tiny Soy Sauce fish has become an endangered species.
Once common with every sushi meal, the fish has been, ..well … fished to the very edge of extinction according to experts who spent several months trawling the oceans for specimens but failed to catch a single one of the petite bottle nosed fish.
“Only a total ban on fishing can bring any hope of restoring stocks,” said one boffin. “We appreciate that this will have an impact on the Japanese diet especially, but I’m sure they will be able to adapt. Personally, I find salt and vinegar goes really well with cod so it should be fine with sushi.” Continue reading
Dunstable Council officer Andrew Chillace was overwhelmed by the reaction to his environmentally aware attempts to get his leg over.
“I’d been single for a few years – it isn’t easy when you are touching 50, have an appreciable paunch, and work in a dead-end job. Most of my female contemporaries were greenies so I tried sharing pictures of dolphins caught in plastic bags on Facebook. That got me a few likes, but for some reason it didn’t translate to any action.”
Mr Chillace explained that he then hit on the idea of buying a bright green electric Smart car.
“We are a soft touch,” Farage told supporters. “These bloody foreign pandas come over here, are housed and fed for free and now she is pregnant she will no doubt move out of the zoo, into a council house and receive every benefit going.”
There were tears across the globe this morning when news leaked that Justin Bieber’s plea bargain defence for illegal street racing will be accepted. Meaning that the half-man half-hair moussed jackal is free to continue his spree of crimes against music. Continue reading
Fans who missed Clare Balding from their television screens in the brief two day interlude between the end of the Commonwealth Games and the start of her new series ‘Big Beasts’, were celebrating last night at the news that the BBC is to launch a channel featuring the tomboy next door talents of the ubiquitous TV presenter.
Announcing the launch of the channel to be known as BBC Balding, replacing BBC Three, Director General Tony Hall said, “The new channel’s output will give the licence paying public what they deserve.” Continue reading
Politicians with an eye on newspaper headlines are appalled by yet another European Court of Human Rights ruling today, that the UK breached prisoners’ rights by unlawfully refusing to give them the vote.
The Minister for Africa, Mark Simmonds, has resigned saying that he can’t live on his current income as it does not allow him to buy a family home in SW1. A state of affairs many are calling the saddest thing ever to happen since Dumbledore was killed. Continue reading
In a speech today Iain Duncan Smith vowed to make more cuts to benefits and to introduce harder sanctions against the jobless including waterboarding and giving them spoilers for Game of Thrones. Continue reading
Stringent new rules on alcohol are set to be introduced including health warnings on bottles, and visualising a pint while behind the wheel being enough to put you over the drink-drive limit. Continue reading
As Gaza, ebola, Iraq and flesh-eating zombies dominate the headlines – well, maybe not the zombies but would you be surprised? – the world is today facing up to a new horror: Phil Collins has announced that he is coming out of retirement. Continue reading
George Osborne’s cat, Freya, has had its latest escape attempt foiled by a car near Downing Street. She has not been seriously injured but vets treating the tabby say after numerous failed attempts to escape from Osborne’s ownership, they may have to put her down on humanitarian grounds, namely being George Osborne’s cat.
“She was found by passers by looking broken, injured and on her last legs,” a vet treating her explained, “and then she got clipped by the car.
“It’s hard to tell why a cat would be so keen to leave its owner, but looking at Mr Osborne’s policies as chancellor gives us a fair indication.
“We can be confident that while him and his family were enjoying steak, caviar and the finest french wines,George Osborne’s cat, Freya, has had its latest escape attempt foiled by a car near Downing Street. She has not bee Freya, or ‘that working class cat’ as she is affectionately, known is at the bottom of the food chain being fed scraps and stale bread with a side order of resentment at having to be fed.”
This is not the first time Freya has tried to better herself by running away from the chancellor’s Downing Streetppp residence. She has previously been found over a mile from her Westminster home before some do-gooder brought her back, kicking, screaming and scratching.
In 2011 she also became the first cat in history to call The Samaritans.
A spokesperson for Mr Osborne said: “We are grateful to everyone in stopping Freya getting ideas of mobility and freedom that are well above her station. He has said he will now introduce a wide range of policies that will ensure she knows her place going forward.”
Cats have become commonplace in Downing Street, with ‘Larry’ being drafted in to Number 10 to try and deal with a pest infestation. Although so far he has been unsuccessful at ridding the London Street of all its nasty rodents, it is hoped the electorate do a better job in 2015’s General Election.