A good hard brexit is still the number one right-wing fantasy

They’ll thank me later. They always do.

Ukippers and other idiots are still keen on giving the UK a damned hard brexit, often waking early, drenched in various bodily fluids, after a night spent fantasising about it.

With the referendum won, right-wingers are managing their otherwise empty internal worlds by dreaming of giving us all a really good brexiting. “The UK may say be saying ‘no’ but I know better,” explained Continue reading

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Glorious 20th: Daily Mail begins annual hunt of celebrities not wearing poppies

Paul Dacre: editor of the Daily Mail. We could add more but that first sentence seems damming enough.

Staff at the Daily Mail – think of the Minions from Despicable Me then imagine it being remade in Hell – are bouncing into work this morning ready for the start of Poppy Hunting Season which runs from now until 11th November during which they attack anyone in the public eye who isn’t wearing a poppy at all times.

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MI6 shock: top ‘secret agent’ James Bond is surprisingly well known

with hindsight, the Corgi Aston Martin was probably a mistake,

After the Tory conference security lapse, when a poorly advised comic came within just a few feet of Lee Nelson, red-faced MI6 chiefs have now found that James Bond, previously thought to be their most secret agent, is actually very well known.

“Our suspicions were raised when we found Commander Bond had his own theme tune.” said actor and former head of MI6, Dame Judy Dench.

“It transpired we had a mole. Everyone seemed to be expecting him when he showed up at their secret lair, even when he arrived by parachute. Continue reading

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David Gauke drops DWP helpline charge after being found out

“I’m sorry we got found out.” He looks a bit Nixony to us

Grey man in a grey suit, David Gauke, says once negative publicity reached ‘critical’, he decided to stop charging benefit claimants 55p a minute for DWP helplines.

“We’re listening and we care,” said DWP minister Gauke, supressing a snigger. “care about being found out, that is. Now we’ll go back to the drawing board and find other, less obvious ways of punishing people for claiming benefits.”

“It can’t be that hard. Iain Duncan Smith ran the DWP for years and he needs both hands to find his arse Continue reading

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Universal Credit: Cabinet “a bit moist” over voting one million children into poverty

Combined wealth: tens of millions. Combined empathy: zero

A Downing Street official has confirmed that the Cabinet are giddy with delight as they prepare to vote against pausing the rollout of Universal Credit which is predicted to push over a million children into poverty by 2020 and at least double homelessness. Continue reading

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Great news for OAPs’ says Hammond, as inflation soars

Move, Phil, move! Is he there?

‘Philip Hammond says that thanks to sound Tory economics, Britain’s Tory voting OAPs are to get a whopping 3% increase in state pensions in 2018.

“Make no mistake, this is great news for the UK.” said the Chancellor speaking from in front of a bright background, so as to be seen.

Nicknamed ‘Dustsheet Phil’ due to his fondness for keeping offshore investments covered up, Continue reading

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Sense of trepidation flares at Annual Convention of Hermits

One of the posher hermits from the Oxford area. He also owns a holiday cave in Cornwall.

The inner peace of live-alone enthusiasts was shattered last night when their AGM was infiltrated by a quiet gang of introverts, intent on spreading apprehension and a general sense of unease.

“It was difficult enough getting the invitations out to the many caves and iron-age huts scattered throughout the land without post codes,” said Lionel Garage, who hosted the event in a barn on his farm.

“Trying to persuade hermits to come out of their shells for a knees-up once a year is a nightmare in itself, but when the event gets gate-crashed by other groups of a-social beings, you’ve got an impotent mix of self-examination in a non-interactive community. It was almost a metaphor for the Brexit negotiations.”

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NHS considers barring Jeremy Hunt from walking in

That feeling you get when you bang your funny bone made flesh and given a Cabinet position, Jeremy Hunt, is a clear threat to the nation’s wellbeing but is banning him from turning up at hospitals whenever he feels like it the solution to preventing a winter health crisis? Continue reading

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Schools “too focused on tests & exams” warns Ofsted, which judges schools by tests & exams

‘Do as I say, not as I do. Got it? Or do you want bog-washing?”

Ofsted, which kicks schools round the playground if they don’t do well in tests set by psychopaths who can’t cut the mustard in the classroom, has told schools to ‘Do as I say, not as I do’.

“When we go into schools we have a battery of tests to administer.” said head of Ofsted Amanda Spielman “Or to put it another way, we have tests to administer with battery. Yes, that’s Continue reading

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Tillerson challenges Trump to game of Ker Plunk

It’s the ‘merican way

In the latest war of who is the cleverest in the White House, Rex Tillerson today publically challenged Donald Trump to a televised live game of Ker Plunk, with the winner being crowned “Bestest man at everything in the world ever ever for infinity time”.

Trump has historically been the one to tweet playground challenges to rivals, having issued an IQ test challenge to Tillerson yesterday there followed a huge media panic until it was cleared up that the tweet directed at Kim Jong-Un Continue reading

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Nuclear war narrowly averted as Trump loses The Codes

“So I lost the codes. It’s no big deal.”

The White House was in meltdown today following President Trump’s tweet “OMG I lost the codes!” only hours before he was due to declare all-out nuclear war on N Korea.

“These things happen,” he tweeted.

Working on the theory the codes may have been stolen by a pickpocket working for the enemy, all of Trump’s fingers were pointing at a single suspect. Continue reading

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Road resurfacing chippings to be sponsored by windscreen replacement industry

Ouch A nice little earner.

From 2018, all tar and stone chipping resurfacing will be paid for by the UK’s windscreen replacement businesses.

“We’re just formalising the setup that’s worked for years where, instead of government paying an extra £300 per day for a road roller, motorists happily sacrifice their cars’ bodywork and windscreens.”  said Transport Secretary Chris Grayling, one of the few MPs who can make Iain Duncan Smith seem Continue reading

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Government reveals £10bn “Help to buy Election” scheme

Signs of the times. Come on, get moving!

After finally tracking down the magic money tree in the back garden of 10 Downing Street, the government believes what the housing market really needs is not, as idiots might think, more homes but an injection of cash into the market to help home owners, like your gran, feel happier as prices rise.

“But it’s not just elderly Daily Mail readers who’ll benefit from a £10bn boost in house price inflation,” said Theresa May “No, some Continue reading

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David Davis asks “Is it time to reveal my hand yet?”

“‘Reveal my hand’, I don’t even know what that means. Help me.”

David Davis will ask around the Tory conference today and see if it’s the right time to reveal his hand.

“I’ve never actually played poker but ‘not revealing my hand’ sounds macho, a bit James Bond-ish, so when people started asking me about Brexit I kept trotting it out. I really ought to find out what it means.”

“The name’sh Davish, David Davish. How’s the accent?” said Continue reading

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“Her nipples followed me round the room.”

‘Mona Lisa With Her Tits Out’

Da Vinci expert Mathieu Deldicque says he knew the charcoal sketch was authentic the moment he hung it on his dining room wall.

“Wherever I stood, my eyes were drawn to her enigmatic cleavage, and her nipples just seemed to follow me round the room. It’s definitely genuine.”

“Leonardo da Vinci was renowned for his meticulous research in the anatomical structure of the human body,” he said, “so it’s highly likely his first words to Mona would have been ‘Get yer kit off love’.”

The work was found in the Palace of Chantilly and was originally thought to be a sketch of a Florentine brickie. Continue reading

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New UKIP leader vows to stay on until Christmas, “with a little bit of luck”

Phew, Bolton remembers to use his left arm when saluting the troops

Henry Bolton has seen off the challenge of better-known racists to become UKIP leader.

He says he’ll hang on until 2018 if at all possible and if his luck’s in, dashing hopes there’d be enough leaders within 12 months to form a five-a-side charity football team.

What do we know about Henry Bolton? Born in Kenya [are you sure? check this before publishing Ed.], Bolton moved to Britain to study but quickly realised other immigrants might want to compete Continue reading

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Michael O’Leary explains regulations breach “We don’t give a shit.”

Always getting better, at being shits

Michael O’Leary says Ryanair’s lying to passengers should be seen in the light of the company not giving a shit about them.

“When you put our behaviour in context it all makes sense. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I don’t give a shit, Ryanair doesn’t give a shit, it’s all entirely consistent. Why is that so hard to understand?”

Harold teaching assistant, Carly Jeffery is a Ryanair customer whose flight was cancelled at short notice. “The next flight they could book me on is in January but as I was going to my mother’s funeral Continue reading

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Labour vote to ‘bring back hanging baskets’

Hang ’em high.

The Labour Party has voted unanimously in favour of more overhead floral growth as a peaceful and environmentally-friendly deterrent against terrorism.

Moving the motion, Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott left the delegates in suspense for a moment when she called for a vote to “Bring back hanging” before pausing to take a sip of water then adding “baskets”.

The idea has been welcomed by Harold psychologist Dr Freya Fairchild.

“Studies have shown that in an environment of pretty colours, sweet scent and Continue reading

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“Yes, this is exactly how I hoped things would work out” says May

“there are plenty of similar motivational initiatives in the pipeline”

The PM believes massive US tariff hikes are a welcome incentive for UK industry to work harder.

“I’ve already phoned President Trump to thank him for implementing the agreement we made during my visit.” said Mrs May “He’s assured me there are plenty of similar motivational initiatives in the pipeline**.

“So that’s all good. The President calls it the ‘Bend over and touch your toes, this might smart a bit’ approach, Continue reading

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Can only cheer and clap: scientists create ideal party conference attendee

Happy happy joy joy

As Labour continue to have an awfully big adventure in Brighton local inventors Dr Rachel Goody and Dr John Guest have announced that they’ve created the Perfect Conference Attendee.

“Through genetic mutation we’ve managed to change ordinary humans into beings that look smart, can only cheer and have five sets of hands in order to easily generate thunderous applause,” said Dr Goody.

The PCAs also possess reinforced legs as well as the stamina to give five hour standing ovations however their inventors are still tinkering.

“We won’t be finished until our PCAs have no ability to think,” said Dr Guest. “Then they’ll be ready for Ukip.”

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