Dominic Raab literally disappears up his own a*se, live on TV


Domini Raab outside the Supreme Court. Oh, too late

Fingernails down a blackboard in human form, people’s democratic champion Dominic Raab shocked viewers this morning, by vanishing up his own a*se during a live TV interview.

Raab, who comes second only to Michael Gove as the Tory MP you’d most like to punch, was on BBC TV News this morning, wittering on about Brexit; his only interest, apart from The Life and Times of Dominic Raab.

Standing on the street outside the Supreme Court (only Pinewood’s James Bond set can now accommodate his massive head), Continue reading

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Trump smooths things over with China by snapchatting them a dick pic

trump-phoneDonald Trump says he’s completely smoothed things over with China by sending them a snapchat of his dick to show how much more they mean to him than Taiwan.

“I think the pic worked” beamed the President-erect.

“The Chinese have stopped complaining about me taking a call from the President of Taiwan, I mean President ON Taiwan. And they say I don’t know how to be diplomatic? Sad!”

Despite Trump’s optimism, foreign policy experts remain on tenterhooks.

“If China so much as hints at ‘small hands’, it’s World War 3”, warned one expert.

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Paul Nuttall denies being a politician as CV row intensifies


Point to a racist, Paul

Lead character from a sitcom you’d have begged your parents not to let you stay up and watch, Paul Nuttall, has confronted the lies on his CV by denying that he is a politician. Continue reading

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ADVERTISEMENT: Wealthy former MP seeks position near Richmond


Are we related? Do you own a magazine? I could be your man

Unexpectedly back on the market, due to circumstances entirely within my control.

Have own ego, sense of entitlement, and a willingnes to travel as far as Kingston upon Thames if necessary, for the right post.

Have own dog-whistle and recent experience of high profile dog-whistling. Might suit right-wing political campaigning group, looking to increase its media coverage by employing a photogenic, eccentric, multi-millionaire, with lovely eyes but some sincererity issues.

Have experience of editing rich uncle’s magazine. So, if we’re related by birth, marriage or a close proximity on the Sunday Times rich-list, and you own a magazine, please Continue reading

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Counterfeit booze ‘could make you dizzy and act like an idiot’

“…the ever-popular loss of inhibitions…”

Harold Council has warned shoppers to beware of fake Vodka, which can seriously damage health.

“This so-called ‘Vodka’ contains chemicals of some sort, which affect the decision-making frontal lobe of the brain,” said Councillor Ron Ronsson.

“Short-term effects include loss of inhibitions, dizziness, nausea, coma and even death. Also, it has a ‘metallic’ after-taste if you get stuck into a second bottle. So I’m told.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Health, idiots, News

A nation mourns as breakfast is served perfectly


The reason why everyone in the UK can count to three in Spanish

Today has gotten off to an efficient and unhappy start as breakfast everywhere was served without incident due to a sudden, sad shortage of little waiters from Barcelona.

Every tray had the right amount of butter and all questions were answered properly and not with a ‘Que?’ and a blank look. There were no mishaps, outbreaks of spoon-based violence and absolutely no moose heads. Continue reading

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Personal debt: Mark Carney warns public not to spend Brexit Bus £millions


Carney struggles to make himself clear to morons

Mark Carney has warned the UK to curb it’s credit card use, because any Brexit windfall will go to the Treasury, not direct to morons.

Borderline simpleton and pub bore, Alec Fairchild, dismissed Carney’s fears, however. “I’d rather take Boris Johnson’s word over that of a Canadian immigrant.”

“And don’t get me started again about the ‘£350 million for the NHS’ on the side of a bus.” he insisted “Us leavers aren’t stupid. We all knew that wasn’t true and Boris has admitted it. But, if the £350 million isn’t going to the NHS … it must be going somewhere else.” Continue reading

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Annus bobbinsus: Charlie Brooker’s 2016 Wipe to be 27 hours long due to horror


Good luck to Philomena finding a moment of wonder in all this

Lugubrious chronicler of the end times, Charlie Brooker, has announced that his yearly review of the news which is normally sixty minutes long will last more than a day in order to cover all the terrible things that have happened and that even with all the extra hours he’ll “have to leave a lot out.” Continue reading

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IDS denies that benefit sanctions don’t work as they helped him kill “loads of feckless scum”


Point to your right, Iain

Lack of intelligence, wrapped in a falsified CV, inside a complete absence of empathy, Iain Duncan Smith, has refuted today’s National Audit Office report which states that there is no evidence that welfare sanctions work. Continue reading

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Government may consider radical “brief-case technology” for carrying sensitive documents


Most of them have doodles of Gove on a gallows on the cover

Another secret document has been photograhed being carried along Downing Street. “To be honest, this one’s got us stumped.” said a senior official “Short of putting papers in our pockets, we’re powerless.”

Now though, Harold inventor Dr Rachel Guest has come up with a novel solution which she hopes will be considered by Ministers.

“Desperate times, desperate measures.” says Dr Guest, who’s worked on the problem for two years. “Theresa May says it’s foolish to reveal her strategy to EU negotiators, but that approach could be undermined if any of them have a camera and know how to get to Downing Street.” Continue reading

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UKIP members shocked to find Paul Nuttall is a scouser


“this chap sounds like a footballer”

Thousands of horrified UKIP members only found out today, as they listened to Paul Nuttall gave his acceptance speech, that they’d voted for a scouser.

“My god, I thought he’d be another Nigel.” said Alec Fairchild, a UKIP member and pub bore from Harold. “Well-off, private school, a commodity broker in the city. But this chap sounded like a football player; or someone in a Channel 5 documentary about benefit cheats.”

“We’d already had a filly, for a couple of weeks,” explained Fairchild, warming to his task, Continue reading

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Narcissistic racist to apologise to US on “behalf of Britain” for its mockery of narcissistic racist


Anyone else having trouble with the fact none of this is photoshop?

Cathedral roof gargoyle come to boorish life, Nigel Farage, has announced that he is going to the US to “meet all sorts of people and I shall say to them…please forgive some of the things that were said about your President during the election campaign because I’m just that important. Did you see those buses and that poster? That was me. I am shit-hot, ladies.” Continue reading

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Queen’s Christmas Message to be replaced by 15 minute scream to better sum up 2016


We felt like this by January 2nd and it’s only gotten worse

A leaked document from Buckingham Palace titled “2016: Blow me to Bermuda!” has revealed that the Queen will not be delivering a Christmas message to the country and the Commonwealth this year as 2016 has been “a right old barrel of piss” and that Her Majesty couldn’t put a decent spin on this one even if “we swap the royal Sanatogen for disco biscuits before showtime.” Continue reading

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RAF parcel bombing will deliver “authentic Black Friday experience”


“Sorry you were out”

The RAF will be delivering all Harold’s on-line Black Friday orders in just one big drop on Monday morning; from 10,000 feet.

Villagers wanting the full Black Friday experience, but too lazy to go all the way to the metropolis that is Dunstable, will still get one by packing into Harold Thursday’s 5-a-side pitch like sardines, and then having a shower of broken tat dropped on their heads.

“We’d hoped to get low level runs along the River Gluggle by the Battle of Britain Memorial flight.” Continue reading

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Blair returns to UK politics: perfect end to a perfect year


He’s the hero we deserve

Tony Blair has kindly popped up to give everyone a bloody good laugh by claiming that he will now seek to influence UK politics from the “progressive left or centre-left”.

Wiping tears of mirth from her eyes Harold’s Labour Councilor Nina O’Neil said that this had “cheered her up a treat” and that “it’s good to step away from politics and Trump and Brexit and laugh at something absurd. Is Tony Blair the new parrot sketch?”

“The idea that a war-mongering, dodgy business owning, where do you even start with the wife, possessor of a fortune built on the blood of Iraqi children, psycho-Christian could in any way represent the left is just hilarious,” she said. “Can he be on BBC1 on Christmas Day instead of Mrs Brown?”

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Autumn Statement build-up “ruined” by reporter standing outside No.10 Downing Street


Dilnot, ruining everything for the nation. It’s number 11, you idiot!

The TV news build-up to the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement was ruined for many today, when a BBC reporter stood outside Number 10 Downing St. in error.

Alec Fairchild, a man who usually gets his political insight from the Mail and Sky News, tuned into BBC today, by mistake, and was completely thrown by finding himself staring at Theresa May’s front door.

“Typical bloody lefty BBC, all that public money and they still can’t get it right,” fumed Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “this is exactly why I don’t pay the licence fee.” Continue reading

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Dormant volcanoes urged to ‘make an exception’ for Brian Tamaki

auckland-volcanoLong dormant volcanoes in Auckland are being urged to get off their lazy asses and start spewing lava and gas in the direction of Destiny Church leader Brian Tamaki.

A self-styled bishop, Brian Tamaki attracted notoriety by saying the devastating Kaikoura earthquake was caused by homosexuals, quoting from the same section of the Old Testament that recommends sacrificing a goat before marrying your child bride.
Continue reading

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After moaning about misspent EU cash, UKIP to repay misspent EU cash


Farage tries to find out which clown had been in charge

“Just because I’ve gone on and on and on about the lack of EU audits,” says Nigel Farage “people I’ve accused of financial incompetence, or worse, have checked up on us and found we’re incompetent, or worse. It’s as if they don’t like me for some strange reason.”

Mr Farage said that he was angry to learn that UKIP had misspent EU funds on campaigning for Brexit.

Calling on the party to identify what sort of clown had been in charge during the campaign, he Continue reading

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Blair to take political centre-ground: will probably bomb it

Sociopathe will be especially welcome

“a face built for a wicker man”

Embodiment of Teflon in human/lizard combo form, Tony Blair, will launch an attack on common decency next year, gurning his way into TV studios, onto TV sofas and thence onto our TV screens. Into our homes, as if the world wasn’t bad enough.

The well-known war criminal and former PM has assembled a formidable team of popular, cross-party politicians, including Murphy, Osborne, Clegg, and some bloke you won’t have heard of, who used to be a special adviser to Mandelson.

We’re not making this shit up,  Continue reading

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Russia credits “clear air superiority over hospitals” for recent victories


Hospital porters are no match for this puppy

Sergey Lavrov says Russia now has the upper hand in its fight against international aid workers in Aleppo.

“Frankly, Médecins Sans Frontières just didn’t turn up for the last one – it’s as if they know their un-sterilised scalpels are no match for our Su-34 strike aircraft.”

They’re ‘big men’ in their fancy operating theatres but not so high and mighty when 327 Squadron with Hospital-Buster ordnance turns that cosy scene into a theatre of war. Hah, pussies!” Continue reading

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