Spirit of Schrödinger’s cat invoked to solve Irish border problem

A séance held by the UK Brexit team has called upon Schrödinger’s ghost to help resolve the Irish border issue.

“What we need,” said Mrs May, “is a border that exists in the EU’s mind, but which is invisible to the DUP.”

The séance was delayed while HM Stationery Office searched their cupboard for an umlaut to go over the ‘o’ in Schrödinger. But the search was fruitless, despite a senior civil servant swearing blind he’d seen one in there only last week. Continue reading

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Filed under Animals, Around Harold, Brexit, Europe, Lost and Found

Banksy-inspired Brexit Deal will shred itself the minute it’s signed

‘Mrs May as a child, reaching for Dreams’ isn’t the title.

A brand new Brexit Deal, drawn up by Banksy, will self-destruct as soon as it is signed.

The framework for the Deal is being kept a closely guarded secret, but insiders say it satisfies the demands of Leavers, Remainers and the EU.

“At first glance, the work lacks detail,” said Harold artist Beryl Blythe who was granted access to the piece, “but, when you step back, you see he has managed to stencil-in a solution to the Irish Border issue, draw up a workable plan for continuing trade and solve the question of free movement, all with lovely flowing lines and soft forms.”

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Hard Brexit to be broadcast in soft focus, BBC confirms

Should’ve gone to Specsavers

With a no-deal exit from the EU looming, the BBC is preparing to switch back to analogue signals, broadcasting on a UHF channel in 625 lines, to help soften the harsh reality.

“We’ve still got a 1940s valve microphone which has a rich, warm tone.  Coupled with the low image resolution of analogue broadcasting, we are ready to take the edge off the hardest of Brexits,” the BBC reassured Mrs May.

“You’ll need a Cathode Ray TV set and an X-shaped aerial,” says our media correspondent, “or you can download the app, Bygone Replicator, to turn your digital device off for you.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, Entertainment, Europe, Media, News, Technology, TV

Boris Johnson’s wife votes Leave

Pfft and harumph

Boris Johnson’s wife Marina Wheeler has triggered Article 50. They have been in a union for 25 years but Marina now insists it’s time to take back control of her borders.

“He thinks he’s Big Daddy,”‘she said, “but in truth he’s just a Giant Haystack.”

Dubbed ‘Bojexit’, the divorce is already proving controversial, with Boris withdrawing his earlier complaint that Marina was costing him £350 million a week.

“Surely, marriage means marriage,” said Harold pensioner Doris Kettle. “How come they get another vote on it?”

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Step-ladder ‘never really felt like one of the family’

A loom n yum, as the say in the States.

When ‘A’ was rescued from a B&Q orphanage, he thought a loving family was taking him into their home and their hearts.

“The kids seemed very excited on the way home in the 4×4,” recalled A, “singing ‘Daddy got a ladder’ to the tune of ‘If I had a hammer’. I thought I would soon be enjoying a bowl of homemade soup in a warm kitchen and then the kids would show me where I was sleeping. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”

To his horror, the jeep pulled up the gravel path to the detached double garage. While the children ran into the house to tell mummy about their outing with daddy, A was slid out of the tailgate, had his packaging stripped from him and was roughly shaken before being hung on a pair of hooks inside the garage.

“Yeah, reckon you’ll do,” said the man before switching off the light and shutting the garage door.

In the darkness, a large spider crawled and A heard the familiar creak of aluminium on aluminium.

“Who’s there?” asked A.

“I’m Triple Extension,” said a deep voice in reply, “and this is my wife, Roof. Get to sleep, Steps. There’s work to be done, first thing in the morning.”

“Don’t call me Steps,” cried A.”My name’s A. It’s short for A-Frame. You’re not my real ladder.”

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Filed under Aggressively Tested, Apprenticeships, Around Harold, Christmas, DNA, environment, Families

Trump recalls ‘Aretha Franklin’s beautiful singing at my inauguration’

‘Nina, Tina, who knows?’

Donald Trump has spoken movingly about Aretha Franklin’s singing at his 2017 inauguration. “Aretha called me right after the election and insisted on singing.”

The President says it was Franklin’s dream to sing at an inauguration and she was upset that Barack Obama hadn’t asked her. “Anyway, she wouldn’t take no for an answer, something I know a lot about” said Trump “although usually from the other side Continue reading

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Village kids urged to store up their own piss as Farage goes ‘back on the road’

Kids are being urged to take back control of their bladders

Harold’s children have been asked to stockpile bottles of wee, in readiness for Nigel Farage’s nationwide tour promoting the wonderful benefits of a damned hard Brexit.

“It ticks several boxes,” said Harold headteacher Alison Lee “recycling single-use plastic bottles, building community by working together for a noble goal and of course, expressing our appreciation for being royally fucked-over by an angry commodity-trading Continue reading

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David Cameron: hut dwelling former PM thinks he’s really a shepherd

Yes, this is how shepherds dress #FACT

Ruddy-faced abyss too drunk on its own sense of entitlement to gaze into thee, David Cameron, now believes he’s a shepherd having spent £50,000 on two shepherd’s huts in which to sit and write his memoirs, the least desired book in Britain since Katie Hopkins’ guide to aquatic fun, esoteric Islam and refugees Surfy, Sufi, Swarmy.  Continue reading

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Villagers slammed for holding Corbyn painting party

The growing trend for Jeremy Corbyn being hired out so children can paint on him during birthday parties has come to Harold. Local parents Cassian and India Hagan-Beckett have come under heavy criticism for holding a Corbyn Daubin’ Crew themed bash for their seven year old son, Quail.  Continue reading

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Ben Stokes found ‘not guilty’. Now the nation gets to have its say

You looking at me, mate?

With the not guilty verdict now in on the Ben Stokes’ trial, the nation has breathed a sigh of relief and got down to what it does best i.e. making decisions on the basis of very little information.

“Now I’m no lawyer” began a man who isn’t a lawyer, in the same tone of voice racists use when starting a sentence with the words ‘Now I’m no racist’ “but Continue reading

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Spider season: householders urged to keep them for post-Brexit trading

Doesn’t look happy, does it? Bet it’s a Remainer

It’s the time of year when eight-legged terror beasts sidle into British homes every bit as needy and unsettling as Kevin Spacey at a youth theatre picnic. However the government are urging people to welcome and nurture the original and least pretentious web-based artists ‘just in case’ as they might come in handy post-Brexit.
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Solar mission ‘just a trial run’ for exploring Piers Morgan’s enormous smug face

Good Morning Britain

NASA has confirmed that its current Solar mission is a trial run for a planned trip to Piers Morgan’s face. The probe is named the Kardashian in honour of the lady who called him a gaseous windbag in 1958.

“First, we need to test the probe’s shield in the sun’s atmosphere to find out whether it will withstand the extremely high levels of smugness radiating off his enormous face,” said Ms Kardashian. “It won’t, of course, so it’ll burn up on his face and make his head explode, I hope.”

“The original idea,” said NASA, “was to make yesterday’s launch a manned flight, using Piers Morgan as the man. But the risk assessment came out bad. No one knows the effect of smashing a massive ball of molten fury into the sun.” Continue reading

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Passengers undermining us by wanting trains: complain rail bosses

Don’t even look at it. There’s nothing for you here.

In a sight that could provoke tears in a concrete statue of a stiff upper lip some of the most vulnerable people in Britain, rail company bosses, bravely spoke out about the trials they face.

“All we’re trying to do is make a huge profit while investing as much in maintenance and infrastructure as Boris Johnson would in a machine that could induce a state of contrition,” said Manfred Rudhart, CEO of Arriva.

“But our mission is undermined by passengers making ludicrous demands like a season ticket costing thousands of pounds resulting in access to a train they could get on every so often and use to go on a journey.” Continue reading

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‘We’ll trade on WTO rules!’ bellows idiot with no idea what WTO rules are

We googled ‘idiot’ & ‘complete f*cking idiot’ and one man kept cropping up. Any guesses?

“I’ve no idea what WTO means” agreed part-time village idiot Alec Fairchild today “but I’m sure Jacob Rees-Mogg has my best interests at heart and he is definitely not betting against the UK by setting up loads of businesses in Dublin.”

“Of course you have to have rules,” Fairchild acknowledged, speaking at Harold’s Squirrel Lickers Arms, where he’s pub-bore in residence.

“If Anthony Joshua just went round beating people up at random he’d never get anywhere Continue reading

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Charmless woman on charm-offensive

“Emmanuel. Philip is a big fan, he has all of your films.”

A charmless woman, with few friends and even fewer allies, has gone to the country which invented charm to try and charm its President.

Theresa May, a non-stick politician, whose understanding of charm is limited only by not having any, has been to France today to chat up President Macron.

Mrs May, who promised no election just before calling an election; said there’s no magic money tree just before shaking a magic money tree and giving the fruit to the DUP, and claims to be a Christian whilst giving all the money to the rich is, unsurprisingly, confident she will succeed.

As a committed EU member, France has delegated its brexit negotiations to the EU negotiator, Michel Barnier. So Mrs May thought the best thing to do was to try and bypass Barnier and subvert the whole process by having informal chats with heads of government.

“The PM believes in the divide and rule principle” said Downing Street today “It’s worked so well in the cabinet that she’s keen to try it out on a larger stage. No, me neither.”

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Corbyn reflects on Labour’s anti-semitism row: ‘I think I’ve handled it rather well.’

“Hmmm. Do you know? I think I’ve handled it rather well”

Jeremy Corbyn has used the Westminster summer break to assess how he’s handled allegations of Labour party antisemitism. “I asked Shami, who said ‘You’ve done very well, Jeremy’. She’s studied the subject so, good enough for me.”

“We’re not complacent, even though it took five years to deal with Ken Livingstone but only five hours to put the skids under Margaret Hodge. So we’re making progress. Did I say ‘making progress’? I meant Continue reading

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Legal permission no longer needed to end care of ‘minimally conscious’ Chris Grayling

Trying to remember his first point. No one home and even the lights aren’t on

The Supreme Court has ruled that hapless Transport Minister Chris Grayling, who has been in a persistent vegetative state for many years, no longer needs the legal framework of an election to have his financial support withdrawn.

Manchester’s Mayor, Andy Burnham has written to the PM after many requests to Chris Grayling, to actually do the job he’s paid for, went unanswered.

“There’s been little evidence of brain activity from when he was Minister of Justice” said Burnham “and nothing at all since he was moved to Transport. I’ve told Mrs May it would be a kindness to cut off his life-supporting salary.”

Nevertheless, he will make one further contact with Grayling. “The cancelled rail electrification scheme still has loads of kit lying around.” Burnham explained. “We’re going to wire up a 2500 kW Hyundai generator to his gonads and wind it up to full power”.

Burnham agreed that this would have no effect on Grayling’s performance. “We just want to see if we can make his ears light up. The idea is surprisingly popular”.

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Discovery of water on Mars will not avert hosepipe ban, says water company

Not to mention the pot holes…

While scientists are over the moon with their discovery of a water lake on Mars, residents of North West England have expressed disappointment that their hosepipe ban will not be cancelled.

“Water on Mars isn’t really going to help with the regional water shortage,” said a spokesman for United Utilities.

“Our job is to manage the water here in Lancashire and we’re not very good at that, so you can’t honestly think, as some have suggested, that we may as well try to run a pipeline from Mars. Not without a feasibility study anyway.”

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Filed under environment, floods, Intergalactic News, Lost and Found, science, Space, Weather

Village offers Red Arrows ‘a new home and an indoor runway’

‘Break right, break right, then line up on the courgettes’

Harold’s allotment committee has offered a new home to the RAF Red Arrows team, which will be homeless once RAF Scampton is sold off.

The former WW2 airstrip has been under cultivation since 1946 but in 2014 was converted to an indoor facility, in the hope of winning lucrative air traffic when more conventional outdoor airports were Continue reading

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PM says it’s time to get on with it, after two years dithering by ‘one of the countries involved’

“Can’t you even give me a hint which country it is?”

The sloth in human form, Theresa May, has said it’s time everyone realised that ‘the clock’ is ticking’ on Brexit negotiations and it’s now time to ‘get on with it’.

The PM is due to meet leaders of Austria, Estonia and the Czech Republic this week and will urge them to pull their fingers out. “Some leaders ‘get it’ and have been very helpful” said Mrs May “but I’m told, by those who know, that one country doesn’t even know what it wants, much less Continue reading

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