“It is important that any autonomous car acts in a way people would expect if it was being driven by a human” a BMW press release said.
“It is important that any autonomous car acts in a way people would expect if it was being driven by a human” a BMW press release said.
The BBC has announced it has come to an agreement with Glasgow 2014 organisers to extend the Commonwealth Games until all the bad stuff around the world has ended.
With planes being shot down in Ukraine and no end in sight for the Middle East conflict, The Beeb has decided it much easier to deal with wall-to-wall coverage of lawn bowls, squash and cycling than any in depth look at the many issues that look set to start WWIII. Continue reading
Environmental groups have welcome the plans saying the amount of smug given of by diesel car drivers when talking about their fuel efficiency is becoming a serious health risk to everyone.
A spokesperson for the Green Party said: “Smug levels in the South East and especially London have always been high, with ‘banker bonus season’ creating a smug cloud so bad it is hard to see the top of Canary Wharf.
Motoring bigot Jeremy Clarkson has opened the first troll bridge in Britain, which allows drivers to abuse migrant workers and then drive off at speed.
Snipping the BBC red tape using a sort of scissor sign with his fingers, Clarkson explained that this represented England’s victory at Agincourt.
“The troll bridge gives motorists a chance to express themselves”, said Clarkson. “But being in a car, you can roar away before the recipient can complain.”
Clarkson explained how the system works. “You stop at the barrier, racially abuse the member of staff in the booth, then congratulate yourself on having a nicer car than them.”
The massive expansion in fracking in the UK has had a dramatic effect on the property market. Within minutes of the government announcing that fracking will be allowed to take place anywhere their chums wish to frack the rest of the population began moving to Chipping Norton. Continue reading
Sipping on a can of Coke and chewing on a pack of Haribo during a high level training session at Harold Youth Club, an up and coming player explained a decline in youth clubs across the country would see minority sports such as table tennis, table football, and priest evading disappear.
Ed Miliband has slammed the leader of the Labour Party’s ability to challenge the prime minister, and wants lollipop ladies and ironmongers to have a go.
Standing in front of a mirror and trying to sound normal, Miliband insisted that the time was right for David Cameron to face up to someone more realistic.
“Reason for change, time for change, a new dawn”, wittered Miliband. “Sustainability, communities, fewer red tape.”
An interpreter for Miliband explained that people are turned off by modern politicians, specifically Ed Miliband, David Cameron and Nick Clegg.
“But even more specifically, Ed Miliband”, said Ed Miliband’s spokesman. “The answer is to keep him on, but get someone else to do the work.”
After last Sunday’s sell-out success by Monty Python, the Liberal Democrats have announced that before they get annihilated in the general election they too are going to say goodbye to fans with a show at the O₂.
“Critics are saying that it will be embarrassing and that we are simply not up to performing at this level,” said Nick Clegg at a press conference today. “But we intend to put on a hell of a show. Vince Cable is practising his dancing, and Danny Alexander can’t wait to drag-up as an hugely unconvincing member of the Cabinet and talk nonsense in a stupid voice once again.” Continue reading
Keep the kids entertained on those long, boring holidays with a copy of the i-Spy Bites and Stings of Scotland!
Educational and cheap, it’s the ideal sop to offspring who would rather be at home playing computer games.
Here’s a few to look out for, can you find them on your legs?
Bites can cause a mild irritation, but in some people, they can lead to rage and obsessively turning the bed-side lights on and off, in a desperate attempt to identify the source of the buzzing.
All mosquitoes are of English origin. Best killed with at least three cans of fly spray, a shoe and a stapler to be sure.
Midges: (pronounced: ‘Mid-gees’) Tiny little biting insects who target visitors to the Scottish Highlands and locals alike, these indiscriminate little swines leave bites so big they could have come from a Pterodactyl.
Midges are Scottish, but Entomologists believe they first moved north with King Edward Longshanks.
Best killed by burning all your belongings and heading for home on the train.
Vampire Bats: Not indigenous to Scotland, but these little mammalian suckers are not as evil as Hollywood has portrayed. They’re actually quite cute, if you can ignore the razor sharp incisors and the inevitable mob weilding pitchforks and torches.
All vampire bats are of English origin, and are thought to have moved into Scotland around about the time that oil was found in the North Sea.
Best killed by angry villagers or a floppy haired tosser who can’t act.
Scottish ants are not the traditional black colour, but instead pale blue and orange, to conceal them on Irn Bru cans.
Best killed with boiling water, although you could try packing an aardvark.
Luis Suarez: A bite from a Luis Suarez is so far unconfirmed north of the border, but reports of attacks in several continents have led experts to suggest that it is only a matter of time. Bites can result in penalties, free kicks and septicemia.
It is believed that a free-roaming Suarez was spotted in England in the early part of the year.
Best treated by immediately selling it abroad.
The news that the economy is back to pre-financial crash levels has been revealed not as a triumph of economic policy but simply because of the loom band epidemic. Continue reading
In a new regular column, Pippa Middleton passes on invaluable etiquette tips dealing with your day-to-day, worthless lives.
“I’m Pippa Middleton, sister of Kate Middleton, but it doesn’t do to mention that too often in conversation. It can look like you’re showing off, which of course isn’t acceptable in posh circles. And I should know, because I don’t half move in some!
“Some people I once knew but am now well above socially sometimes ask me ‘how do you do it?’ Well, some are born nearly royal, some achieve near-royalness, and some have near royalness thrust upon them.
“And some are a combination of all three. That’s a pretty special circumstance, and one which puts me in a unique position for sharing tips with you, so you can pretend to be nearly as near-royal as what one is. Today’s advice is about ‘breakfast’. Read on!
Miserable sods across the country have been left ‘dangerously exposed’ by a recent bout of half-decent weather.
Most Britons tend to agree that there are several things to moan about, and few notice that it’s the same group of dour pessimists at the forefront of that moaning.
“That printer that always runs out of paper. The food van that only has gaps left where the sandwiches used to be by the time it gets to you. The way your children pretend to be out, rather than let you in to ruin their evening”, said PC Anita Flegg.
“These are all things we tolerate people whinging away at, we just sagely nod along. But complaining about the sunshine? I think these buggers have crossed the line.”
Scotland are holding a huge sports day in Glasgow and for some reason expect this to be of great interest to people, and for spectators to consist of more than just the parents and teachers of the competitors.
Traditional sports day events such as the egg and spoon race, three-legged race and tug-of-war have been replaced with a load of cycling and running and stuff, and people are being asked to pay for tickets. Continue reading
In an embarrassing admission by the British government, it has become clear that the UK is still selling arms to Russia, however firm assurances over their use have been received from Vladimir Putin by way if a ‘pinky promise’.
Speaking of his first meaningful action as foreign secretary, Philip Hammond explained he flew to Russia over night to get the pinky promise from Putin.
After a 50 year quest, scientists have finally unravelled the bizarre origins of Clowns.
Love them or fear them, with their bright red noses and funny fall down trousers, Clowns are woven into our society. Since the first recorded sighting of a Clown in 1954 they have multiplied exponentially in number, and can be found everywhere from children’s parties, to younger children’s parties.
Geneticists studying Clowns have confirmed they are one of the strangest abnormalities in the animal kingdom with the first complete analysis of its fully decoded genome.
Israel has stepped up its ground offensive in Gaza following intelligence reports that Hamas is stockpiling dragon eggs in schools and hospitals.
“We believe this to be totally credible information,” said Benjamin Netanyahu. “We’ve also learned that Hamas all have tails and are responsible for Freddos no longer costing only ten pence.” Continue reading
There was shock and disappointment amongst Royal well-wishers when it emerged that the hundreds of thousands birthday cards sent to Prince George are never actually seen by the Royals.
Caught off guard after an afternoon stocktaking in the Royal cellars, a loose tongued flunky revealed a number of secrets from the Royal household to our undercover Evening Harold reporter.
“Those well-meaning morons think their cards are personally opened by William and Kate in with baby George chewing the envelopes and gurgling with delight,” he told us. Continue reading
Despite it being one of their favourite sayings the BNP have proved that they don’t all look the same by voting in a new leader who doesn’t look like the villain in the most rubbish pantomime ever. Continue reading
The 2014 Tour de France is apparently still going on, despite all the riders having left England two weeks ago.
This year’s race began in Leeds on July 5th and the move to Britain proved a great success, with an estimated 2.5 million spectators lining the route over the opening weekend in order to look at the foreigners in funny clothes. After covering over two hundred miles around Yorkshire the competitors headed for London, before crossing to France the following day, at which point everybody lost interest. Continue reading
Gaffe prone Labour leader Ed Miliband has done it again by demanding that Russia are expelled from the Commonwealth Games as a reprisal for the shooting down of flight MH17, apparently ignorant of the fact that Russian aren’t a member of the Commonwealth.
Speaking off the cuff at a Labour fundraising event, Miliband seized the opportunity to demonstrate his grip on foreign policy when a supporter mentioned the anguish of the bereaved still awaiting the return of loved ones
“It is time for tough action,” said the doomed leader firmly. “If David Cameron were a real statesman, he’d immediately expel Russia from the Commonwealth Games,” adding, “in fact it’s amazing that this hasn’t been done this already.” Continue reading
A rampant future king of England has destroyed 85% of Hitchin, after the town was given to him as a birthday present.
No sooner had George, 12 months, been given the freedom of the city, than he began his destructive first steps through the shopping centre.
“Obviously we’re delighted that the royals took the time to visit”, said Hitchin’s half-crushed mayor, Derek Hopper. “But they could have warned us that their first-born had been gaining weight and height quite so…healthily.”
“Part of me wishes they’d blessed Luton with their presence instead.”
Looking into the phenomenon, lead researcher Henry Slater said: “The forces that act on men’s hands seem to be totally indiscriminate affecting everyone from Prince Charles at the state opening of parliament in Westminster through to Barry from the pub opening a bottle of Carlsberg at his best mate’s wedding.
“Put a jacket on him and his hand will go through the arm, out of the sleeve, straight into a trouser pocket.
A new computer game that allows players to re-enact Israel’s invasion of the Gaza Strip is far too easy, according to critics.
“I had a rocket launcher, three machine guns and a 23 tonne bulldozer in my inventory, and all the game put up against me was an orphan in a shack with a food bowl. Frankly, I thought it was a bit shit”, said gamer Ariel Chutzpah.
“I started to feel a bit sorry for her, but then I remembered to activate my ‘Call from God’. It was a piece of piss to deal with her then.”
Chutzpah thinks that the game is just too one-sided, and made him feel bad about killing dozens of innocents. He wants to see a patch released that would give Palestinians a chance, or at least dehumanise them a bit more.
The process of making every community in the UK full of cupcake shops and boutique coffee places but nowhere you can buy batteries or pants has ground to a halt due to a shortage of hipsters.
Harold hipster couple Oofy and Lysander Eastof say they are sad that they won’t be joined in the village by more people like them. Continue reading
Rising chimney prices was top of the agenda at the Seagull Union’s Annual Conference in Scarborough this week.
Delegates complained about the cramped conditions many of their members endure, living in over-crowded squalor in crannies in the cliffs.
“I blame the government for failing to stimulate the chimney-building sector,” said one delegate, while other more radical gulls blamed the EU for restrictive anti-greenhouse gas policies.
Conference concluded that, whatever the root cause, the lack of affordable housing was due to a shortage of new chimneys, and passed a motion in favour of re-nationalising the coal industry.
Labour leader Ed Miliband has announced his plans to re-nationalise parts of the rail network’s buffet cars. In an attempt to bring some price controls into the market he has said any government run buffet cars would have a price cap on egg mayo sandwiches.
“We need to put to an end the unreliable service that sees passengers paying over the odds for a cup of scalding hot instant coffee that ends up of the train floor and the passenger’s lap,” Miliband said.
“We need to bring the standard of train food to the same level as other government run institutions such as the NHS and Schools, but it’s not all bad news.
Britain’s coastguard has introduced a new warning flag, to alert holiday-makers to the risk of beach fatties.
Resplendent in two colours of sunburn and a symbol representing an ‘inny’ belly button, the flag draws attention to the chance of big bathers.
“There are many dangers along our coast, and we’ve got a number of flags to highlight them”, said warden Helen Evans. “But until now, there’s been nothing to prepare you for the vision of a fat lad wearing Speedos on a li-lo.”
A pub in Harold has banned customers from starting their sentences with the word ‘so’, in a crack-down on pseudo-scientific intellectualism.
On the bar of the Squirrel Lickers Arms a ‘So’ box now stands, replacing the well-rattled swears jar. And it’s already beginning to fill up, according to Eddie the landlord. He explained how he got the idea.
“So I noti…b****cks”, said Eddie, flipping a coin into the container. “I noticed a lot of people in here think they can sound all knowledgeable and reasonable, just by adding the offending word to the beginning of any old shite”, he explained.
“So I took the…oh for f***s sake…(*chink*)…I took the initiative and decided to fine people for their cod GCSE chemistry report cock-whiskery. I won’t have people in here turning the air litmus blue.”
An outbreak of norovirus at the Commonwealth Games Athletes Village has been welcomed by British sprinters keen to get in a little extra practice before the start of the extravaganza.
According to England’s top 100 metre specialist Kyra Dongle, ranked 867th in the world, athletes should grasp every opportunity to get in some extra training. “You have to remain positive,” she said from behind a locked toilet door. “The rushes to the bathroom are definitely sharpening my sprint starts.” Continue reading
A massive crater in the countryside on the outskirts of Harold has mysteriously disappeared overnight.
‘Old Gapey’, a colossal cavern that has swallowed nearly 2% of villagers’ pets, went without a trace during the small hours of the morning.
“I were out walking my dog, an old one what we don’t want any more, and I couldn’t believe my eyes at what wasn’t there right before me”, explained Jeth Evans, who first discovered the hole was missing.
“My wife was horrified when I returned what with Tyson still being there faithfully by my side and all. Not even a limp lead or nothing, it was eerie.”
There is a growing suspicion this morning that endlessly bombing each other may not be a road to lasting peace in Israel and Palestine.
“I’m no expert,’ said Harold pensioner Joan Hambleton. “But the situation out there makes Westeros look like Moominland.” Continue reading
A sharp decline in the number of cygnets born in Harold has been blamed on the pornification of swans.
With hardcore swan-on-swan action now widespread on the internet, many younger cobs are no longer satisfied with straight reproductive sex.
Wildlife expert Winston Harris made this claim as his computer was seized by police, a computer he insists is full of research for a book.
“Adolescent boy swans just see young pens as sex objects, something to hiss at for their own gratification”, said Harris. “And it’s not surprising, given that massive waterfowl are as sexy as hell. You should see the one in 50 Shades of Greylag.”
Trading Standards were left red-faced today after a case they brought against a local eatery was thrown out by a magistrate.
The case was brought against Pippa Delaney, owner of Harold vegetarian restaurant Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!, under the Foods Description Act.
However, the magistrate said there was no case to answer after a top mathematician vouched for the accuracy of the restaurant’s labelling.
Disappointed salvage workers say the wrecked former-radical political party, the good ship ‘Liberal Democrats’, remains firmly glued to the sea-bed, on which it’s been resting for four years.
The enormous sunken turd – target of one of the biggest political salvage operations in history – is only just registering a pulse in the opinion polls.
Senior LibDems still believe that re-shuffling the deckchairs and the bags of wind already on board Continue reading
David Cameron has denied that his promoting a few women and badgers to the Cabinet in today’s reshuffle smacks of desperation.
“I am not cynically trying to increase my party’s voter appeal ahead of the general election,” he said. “And in no way did I see that lots of people seem to really like badgers if all those petitions I keep getting are any indication, and so thought that employing one or two would appease the plebs.”
Cheryl Cole has taken to her website to reveal details of her secret publicity stunt. The stunt took place 7 days ago, but the lack of mainstream coverage forced her to reveal the details herself to “stop the constant speculation about [her] private life, should that constant speculation that isn’t happening, happen”.
In an interview with herself she explained: “I know what it is like being in the limelight, even if it’s been a while since I was. If I’m honest, when Jean-Bernard and I decided we were going to have a publicity stunt we were hoping our special day would caught on camera by the paparazzi.
Local ad-woman Meya Begum has admitted that her agency created the character Boris Johnson simply to sell yoghurt.
“Boris was supposed to appeal to kids, very much in the same vein as the Honey Monster,” she explained. “But it got really out of hand. Sorry.” Continue reading
They have said Mr Cable, along with other Liberal Democrats, panicked, selling their souls, morals and ethics for the measly price of an unwinnable AV referendum all to secure a quick coalition.
Mr Cable’s soul and morals were originally valued at free tuition fees and a £2m mansion tax, however he sold them off for a promise of a public vote and a bit of power.
Fears are growing for the safety of Ed Miliband. In a week where a million people went on strike and the government legally banned privacy, the Leader of the Opposition’s continued silence has led to him being reported missing.
Prime minister David Cameron has held a news conference to explain the extra powers given to government to check phone and email records were originally suggested by former News Of The World editor, Tory advisor and now tenant of Her Majesty Andy Coulson.
Speaking to a packed room, Cameron said: “Andy told me some of the gossip available from people’s personal phone records. It’s that kind of knowledge that allowed me to convince Nick Clegg to renege on all his election promises.
“But for the sake of national security it will also be used for serious issues relating to terrorism. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is unlikely to try and bring Isis to the UK when we release his pathetically low Angry Birds score.”
Speaking from his cell, Coulson said he is glad his skills and ideas are finally being realised. “My background at the News Of The World allowed me to spend my time inside Downing Street training MI5 to get the personal details they needed from a phone. They are also now fully trained in sleeping with their boss without being caught, but I’ll admit that won’t help the war in terror.
“Hopefully they will now use some of my other ideas such as a sports section at the end of Prime Minister’s Questions and empowering women by making the Queen topless on the new £5 note.”
Research has shown that you are the only person in the UK not involved in at least one cover-up for various offences.
With the media dominated by stories of suspicious City deals, NHS scandals, and, sadly, crimes of a much darker nature all being hushed up, it turns out that only you are not involved in any way. Continue reading
A million public sector workers are set to strike today however David Cameron has called this action selfish and damaging.
“It’s not fair,” the Prime Minister said. “The truth is that there are a small group of people and they tend to be ideologically motivated and they are opposed to what me and my much smaller group of deeply ideologically motivated chums are doing.” Continue reading
A massive super-fissure in the fabric of the universe was most likely caused by Brazil’s unprecedented thrashing by Germany, claim scientists at Jodrell Bank.
“The devastating effect of Brazil’s defeat should not be understated,” said Professor Brian Cox. “It almost destroyed the universe.”
The giant crack was first observed Tuesday evening and opened up wide enough to give astrophysicists an unparalleled view of a parallel universe.
“We sat awhile watching an alternative reality fixture between Brazil and Germany,” continued Cox. “The first 80 minutes were much the same as in our own universe, with Germany holding a 7-goal lead over the opposition. But matters took a different turn when the managers made their substitutions.”