Mrs Brown’s Boys used by Scottish referendum campaigners as a threat and a promise

mrs-browns-boys-cast

Do we want more of this or less? Less of it or more?

With less than a month to go until the independence referendum both sides are causing confusion by deploying BBC Scotland’s Mrs Brown’s Boys as their latest campaign weapon.

While the No side say that an independent Scotland would result in BBC Scotland being much smaller and having no money to produce shows such as Mrs Brown’s Boys and Waterloo Road the Yes side are saying exactly the same thing. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment, Politics

Sex pests welcome in new inclusive Lib Dems

lord_R

We’re desperate – we’ll take anyone…

In a desperate attempt to counter falling membership levels, the Liberal Democrats have loosened their membership rules to welcome sexual predators into the party.

One member, known only as “Lord R”, had his membership suspended after incidents of “inadvertently” “encroaching” upon the “personal space” of women in the “party”, but has since apologised, which makes everything OK.

Party leader Nick Clegg said the Liberal Democrats had been forced to take a “long, hard look in the mirror” since these allegations were made last year, omitting to mention that the mirror in question was fastened to the toecap of Lord R’s right boot, and used primarily while standing behind females on escalators.

He said: “It is clear that a number of women in our party felt let down that the party failed to act on their complaints appropriately. However, the Liberal Democrats have long been the UK’s most sexually-charged party, and it is impractical to assume that our membership will be entirely free from inappropriate gropers.”

“When it comes to party members, we’re desperate and we’ll take anyone. Provided there exists enough doubt to reasonably deny a prosecution.”

“In the cut-and-thrust reality of coalition government, you have to sometimes pay the price of compromising your deeply-held political beliefs, and this is much easier to do while patting a shapely female bottom.”

“Sometimes the shifting moralities that exist in corridors of power make it impossible to tell whether such advances are welcome – we know from our manifesto promises that a “No” can sometimes mean “Yes”, and little signals like a woman running screaming from the room and immediately contacting the police can be very hard to read.”

Leave a comment

Filed under News

UKIP ‘trying really really hard not to look racist, honestly’

adolffarage

Oops – what a give away!

Following yet another unpleasant incident, UKIP leader Nigel Farage insisted today that UKIP is “trying really really hard to not look racist”, and people should be applauding the huge efforts the party is making in this area.

“People act as if not being racist is easy”, he complained to a party meeting of nice white people this morning. “Well, it’s not. How many of us can get through a morning without slagging off black or Asian people? I know I can’t.”

“It’s so unfair,” he continued, a dribble of spittle hanging from the gathering foam at his lips. “Many of us in UKIP hardly show we’re racist ever, and then there’s one incident like this where it slips out, and suddenly we’re the bad guys.” Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under News, Politics

Now Sainsbury’s decides not to sell Christmas items for fear of offending anyone

Never knowingly upsetting

Never knowingly upsetting

Straight after the news that Sainsbury’s had withdrawn all meat products, due to concerns about protesting vegetarians, and vegetables due to fears of upsetting meat eaters, the retail giant has announced they will not stock any Christmas related items in the run up to December 25th.

“It wasn’t an easy decision,” said a spokesperson, “ the run up to Christmas is usually our busiest time, but the majority of our customers aren’t real Christians and we didn’t want them to become upset and start cutting people’s heads off and putting the footage on twitter. That wouldn’t be great publicity, would it?” Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under News, Pagans, Religion, Uncategorized

Ecuadorian hinting finally gets through as Assange prepares to leave embassy

assange_guest

No really, stay as long as you like. Really!

A spokesperson from Ecuador’s embassy in London revealed the ambassador’s “great relief” that two years of diplomatic hinting had finally achieved the desired effect of getting Julian Assange to end his extended stay in their spare room.

Assange has for many many months been insisting he is perfectly comfortable living in refuge in the embassy, while the official Ecuadorian welcome has gradually become more and more muted.
Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under News

Family-friendly policies. Cameron explains “I meant bankers’ families”

cameronpointing

“Yes, you on the right with the big wallet. Did you have a question for me?”

David Cameron has clarified that it’s Tory supporters’ and city bankers’ families will most benefit from any future Government policies.

“I thought it best to make that clear, far enough ahead of the election for other people to forget it.”

Hundreds of thousands of households are causing a serious drain on public resources with ‘off the barometer’ dysfunctional behaviour, says Cameron.

The PM today announced a significant amendments to the Troubled Families programme, initially set up to help 120,000 seriously troubled families.

“We found money raised by hard-working taxpayers was propping up lazy, feckless idiots who were never going to vote Conservative anyway, however much we gave them. We’re now cutting out all that stuff.”

According to respected social commentator, Richard Littlejohn, Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under breaking news, Election 2015, News, Politics

Facebook to start marking Daily Mail stories as ‘not satire, honest’.

IMG_2846.JPG
Facebook has announced it is to start marking articles shared from the Daily Mail a ‘not satire, honest’ tag after a number of users complained they often thought the stories and views of the paper were some sort of joke.

“I thought their hatred of people that don’t look like them was some kind of running joke,” one user commented after sharing a comment piece on immigration. “I didn’t think highly trained news people could actually think like that.”
Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under News, Social media, Society

“Women MPs are more amenable and less objectionable” says tragic memory loss MP

Margaret_Thatcher

Less objectionable than who?

Labour MP Austin Mitchell has revealed the full and tragic extent of his memory loss. In an interview yesterday it soon became obvious that he couldn’t even remember meeting a woman nor any details of life between 1979 and 1990. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Benefits ‘welfare card’ scheme to be extended to MPs’ expenses

IMG_2839.JPG
New proposals to pay benefit claimants onto cards that limit what the money can be used for will also be rolled out to MP expenses.

The scheme will ensure the ‘scroungers’ don’t waste taxpayers’ money by ensuring it is only used to but the essentials, and not on lavish dinners, homes for their parents and duck houses.
Continue reading

3 Comments

Filed under News, Politics

Travelodge removes Bibles from rooms replaces them with Fifty Shades of Grey

50-shades-of-grey-cover_300x400

Grey vs. Bible. One’s fan fiction that somehow become wildly influential and the other is…ah, you know how this one ends

In order to reflect the diversity of the UK and the fact that it is home to people of many faiths and none, Travelodge has removed copies of the Bible from all its rooms and replaced them with copies of Fifty Shades of Grey and a Freddo bar.

Travelodge spokeswoman, Kat Simmonds, told the Evening Harold that when it came to having the Bible loose “we didn’t feel it was appropriate and so have replaced it with what our research tells us is the best alternative.”

“We realised that most people who stay in a Travelodge are alone and wondering why their life has come to this,” Kat Simmonds explained. “So the chocolate is there for some emotional over-eating and Fifty Shades is provided for the kind of joyless bout of self-pleasure that only someone who has to stay in budget inns a lot will understand.” Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment, News, Religion

God announces that he pickets Westboro Baptist church

bruce-tout-puissant-2003-04-g

“WBC is as much a church as Tony Blair’s a Peace Envoy” – God

Westboro Baptist Church’s announcement that they will picket Robin William’s funeral on the grounds that he was a “fag pimp” has prompted God to announce that he has always picketed them and in fact has never once been inside nor ever met any of its members. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Religion

Revealed: How Obama solved the Iraq bombing dilemma

Obama 2It has emerged that President Obama follows a simple decision chart when tacking tough diplomatic issues in potential areas of conflict.

Unlike previous presidents like Ronald Regan, who asked his wife’s astrologist, or Bill Clinton, who consulted whoever he was sleeping with at the time, Obama has modelled his chart on the past thirty years of US foreign involvement. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under International News, Politics, War

Ukraine ‘not entirely happy’ about large wooden horse approaching from Russia

horse

Nothing to see here, comrade.

Uncertainty surrounds the movement of an enormous wooden horse approaching east Ukraine from Russia after Ukrainian officials said there could definitely be something fishy about the whole business.

The horse, measuring roughly the size of a division of infantry stacked in a pile, is currently stalled in the Voronezh area, some 300 miles from Moscow. Observers said the horse appeared to be abandoned, but noted the muffled noise of troop manoeuvres coming from ‘somewhere hollow nearby’.

There have been fears Russia could use the horse in some way to launch a surprise offensive in Ukraine, but military experts think this is unlikely.

UK army spokesman Brigadier Lethbridge-Lethbridge pointed out to journalists that the day of the military horse was very much in the past.

“Hard to see how the Russians could get any tactical advantage out of this,” he confirmed. “A large, harmless although surprisingly heavy wooden animal has almost no use on the battlefield whatsoever. Our own tests with mahogany giraffes were a miserable failure.”

A Red Cross spokesman insisted the horse convoy was nothing to do with them, but asked the Ukrainian authorities to consider the potential humanitarian benefits before refusing it. “Our thoughts are with the civilians that have seen their families and homes torn apart in the conflict,” he insisted. “It might not be obvious how much help a gigantic hollow grazing animal could be, but it’s the thought that counts, surely.”

“Provocation by a cynical aggressor is not permissible on our territory,” Ukrainian Interior Minister Arsen Avakov said in a statement today. “We expect nothing more than treachery from the Russian aggressor, and for that reason we are proposing to tow the horse right into the middle of our capital city and then leave it alone all night. That should show them.”

Leave a comment

Filed under International News, War

Soy Sauce fish threatened with extinction says WWF

Rare sighting of a shoal of soy sauce fish

Rare sighting of a shoal of soy sauce fish

The World Wide Fund for Nature has announced that the tiny Soy Sauce fish has become an endangered species.

Once common with every sushi meal, the fish has been, ..well … fished to the very edge of extinction according to experts who spent several months trawling the oceans for specimens but failed to catch a single one of the petite bottle nosed fish.

“Only a total ban on fishing can bring any hope of restoring stocks,” said one boffin. “We appreciate that this will have an impact on the Japanese diet especially, but I’m sure they will be able to adapt. Personally, I find salt and vinegar goes really well with cod so it should be fine with sushi.” Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Food, International News, Nature

Local man shows environmental credentials by having sex in Smart car

There's room for your legs out the window dear

There’s room for your legs out the window dear

A Dunstable man’s strategy of showing his ‘green’ credentials by having sex in his electric Smart car has been so spectacularly successful that it has sparked a craze that is sweeping the UK.

Dunstable Council officer Andrew Chillace was overwhelmed by the reaction to his environmentally aware attempts to get his leg over.

“I’d been single for a few years – it isn’t easy when you are touching 50, have an appreciable paunch, and work in a dead-end job. Most of my female contemporaries were greenies so I tried sharing pictures of dolphins caught in plastic bags on Facebook. That got me a few likes, but for some reason it didn’t translate to any action.”

Mr Chillace explained that he then hit on the idea of buying a bright green electric Smart car.
Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Around Harold, environment, Motoring

Farage anger at pregnant ‘benefit tourist’, Tian Tian

IMG_2798.JPG
Ukip leader Nigel Farage has launched a scathing attack on Edinburgh Zoo’s possibly pregnant panda bear, Tian Tian, accusing her of getting pregnant just to stay in the UK.

“We are a soft touch,” Farage told supporters. “These bloody foreign pandas come over here, are housed and fed for free and now she is pregnant she will no doubt move out of the zoo, into a council house and receive every benefit going.”
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Badgers, International News, News

Tragedy as Justin Bieber is not sentenced to jail

1390500405_justin-bieber-mugshot-467

His real police mugshot. Arrest, it is a happy business.

There were tears across the globe this morning when news leaked that Justin Bieber’s plea bargain defence for illegal street racing will be accepted. Meaning that the half-man half-hair moussed jackal is free to continue his spree of crimes against music. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Clare Balding be given her own BBC channel

Omnipresent

Omnipresent

Fans who missed Clare Balding from their television screens in the brief two day interlude between the end of the Commonwealth Games and the start of her new series ‘Big Beasts’, were celebrating last night at the news that the BBC is to launch a channel featuring the tomboy next door talents of the ubiquitous TV presenter.

Announcing the launch of the channel to be known as BBC Balding, replacing BBC Three, Director General Tony Hall said, “The new channel’s output will give the licence paying public what they deserve.” Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Entertainment, News, Showbusiness

Justice Minister: ‘will go to prison’ to oppose prisoner votes if necessary.

grayling

Can anyone else see A Big Cock?

Politicians with an eye on newspaper headlines are appalled by yet another European Court of Human Rights ruling today, that the UK breached prisoners’ rights by unlawfully refusing to give them the vote.

“Sod them,” said Minister of Justice, Chris Grayling in a typical outburst that has seen him labelled thoughtful and honest by no one ever. “We’re removing health benefits from prisoners’ families next.”

Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Europe, Law and Order, Nature, News, Politics

Hearts break for MP who says he can’t live on £300k a year

"Entitled, moi?"

“Entitled, moi?”

The Minister for Africa, Mark Simmonds, has resigned saying that he can’t live on his current income as it does not allow him to buy a family home in SW1. A state of affairs many are calling the saddest thing ever to happen since Dumbledore was killed. Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Politics

“The jobless spread ebola”: IDS uses speech to make bold claims

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

Does the painting make anyone else think of Vigo the Carpathian?

In a speech today Iain Duncan Smith vowed to make more cuts to benefits and to introduce harder sanctions against the jobless including waterboarding and giving them spoilers for Game of Thrones. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Nanny knows best: government warning on alcohol says just visualising a pint can kill

article-1294939358729-06a95837000005dc-247194_223x335

Don’t look at this picture if you’re at work, it could render you too intoxicated to carry on

Stringent new rules on alcohol are set to be introduced including health warnings on bottles, and visualising a pint while behind the wheel being enough to put you over the drink-drive limit. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Health, Politics

World gets even worse as Phil Collins announces comeback

3458343_97fe76f8-7400-11e3-9d4c-001517810df0

“Miss me?”

As Gaza, ebola, Iraq and flesh-eating zombies dominate the headlines – well, maybe not the zombies but would you be surprised? – the world is today facing up to a new horror: Phil Collins has announced that he is coming out of retirement. Continue reading

5 Comments

Filed under Entertainment

Osborne’s cat’s escape bid fails, again.

image

Even Freya's sad face couldn't break Osborne's heart of stone

George Osborne’s cat, Freya, has had its latest escape attempt foiled by a car near Downing Street. She has not been seriously injured but vets treating the tabby say after numerous failed attempts to escape from Osborne’s ownership, they may have to put her down on humanitarian grounds, namely being George Osborne’s cat.

“She was found by passers by looking broken, injured and on her last legs,” a vet treating her explained, “and then she got clipped by the car.

“It’s hard to tell why a cat would be so keen to leave its owner, but looking at Mr Osborne’s policies as chancellor gives us a fair indication.

“We can be confident that while him and his family were enjoying steak, caviar and the finest french wines,George Osborne’s cat, Freya, has had its latest escape attempt foiled by a car near Downing Street. She has not bee Freya, or ‘that working class cat’ as she is affectionately, known is at the bottom of the food chain being fed scraps and stale bread with a side order of resentment at having to be fed.”

This is not the first time Freya has tried to better herself by running away from the chancellor’s Downing Streetppp residence. She has previously been found over a mile from her Westminster home before some do-gooder brought her back, kicking, screaming and scratching.

In 2011 she also became the first cat in history to call The Samaritans.

A spokesperson for Mr Osborne said: “We are grateful to everyone in stopping Freya getting ideas of mobility and freedom that are well above her station. He has said he will now introduce a wide range of policies that will ensure she knows her place going forward.”

Cats have become commonplace in Downing Street, with ‘Larry’ being drafted in to Number 10 to try and deal with a pest infestation. Although so far he has been unsuccessful at ridding the London Street of all its nasty rodents, it is hoped the electorate do a better job in 2015’s General Election.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized

Estate agents criticised for describing demon’s anus as ‘deceptive cottage’

cave

Property boasts ample parking and a regular outpouring of foul doings.

An estate agents in Harold has been widely criticised by consumer groups for advertising a demon’s anus as a ‘family home’.

Muggins and Traptear, Harold’s second least-hated  property sales firm, described the foul outlet of a devil’s spawn as ‘deceptively roomy’. George Evans immediately asked for a viewing.

“I could barely afford the mortgage but I thought I’d seen through their ruse”, he explained. “The word ‘deceptive’ added a frisson of excitement. ‘Is that something successful people look for in a home?’  ‘Should I get in first?’ I was left wondering all the way home. But what I should have asked myself was ‘what is it really?'”
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Around Harold, Economy

New cave painting discovery puts Bruce Forsyth’s age at around 40,000 years

Nice to see you!

Nice to see you!

A newly discovered cave painting in Spain has caused archaeologists to reassess their opinion of Sir Bruce Forsyth’s age, with the new estimate placing him at over 40,000 years old.

The painting, found in the caves of Monte Castillo in Cantabria, Spain, show Forsyth in his signature pose flanked by a pair of what have been described as ‘dolly birds’. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under News

Alex Salmond insists ‘we’re keeping the Paul McCartney’

mccartney

Mr McCartney mulls the Kintyre.

Alex Salmond has responded to a letter signed by Mick Jagger and 200 other people you’ve heard of by insisting Scotland will keep the Paul McCartney.

With celebrities lining up to express an opinion on Scottish indepence from their tax havens, Alex Salmond revealed he had drugged Paul McCartney and now had him in his cellar.

“The Rolling Stones are smashing, I love the Rolling Stones”, said Salmond. “But at the same time I hate them and can’t wait to distance our proud nation from their Brown Sugar, Keith Richards and endearing lack of ability to maintain a basic rhythm.”
Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under music, Politics

‘Clarkson not racist, just awful’ confirms BBC

Look what door he's stood in front of. Is this what's coming next?

Look what door he’s stood in front of. Is this what’s coming next?

Danny Cohen, the BBC’s Director of Television, has said that the corporation doesn’t think Jeremy Clarkson is racist but confirms that he is awful.

“I am convinced that Jeremy Clarkson is not racist,” Cohen wrote in a letter to the Guardian, “but merely a bully who mocks anyone who isn’t experiencing the world from his bubble of privilege.” Continue reading

4 Comments

Filed under Entertainment

Gardeners’ Question Time killed Bambi’s mother: sociopathic show under fire from top academic

gqt

The mark of the devil

There are increasing calls for Gardeners’ Question Time to be taken off air following revelations of its unhinged behaviour. The latest one comes a day after Dr Ben Pitcher of the University of Westminster accused the show of being racist for using terms like ‘native’ and ‘non-native’ when discussing plant species and using the word ‘soil’ as a coded reference to racial purity. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

Failed Bake Off contestant thrown out of village

cake

Evans was presented with a black forest get out cake.

A contestant who was eliminated from the first round of the Great British Bake Off has been barred from returning to the village.

Many in Harold had initially been excited to spot Harriet Evans on the hit BBC show, but the joy swiftly turned to disgust when it was revealed her Swiss Roll was ‘a bit dry’.

“What the f**k was she thinking?” asked cllr Ron Ronsson. “Just 8 fluid ounces of milk with that much flour was never going to put Harold on the map. She left us with no choice but to burn down her cottage.”
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Entertainment, Food

Boris Johnson ‘will try to stab Cameron in the back in 2015′

The joke fell flat when both men insisted that they other pull his finger

The joke fell flat when both men insisted that the other pull his finger

Boris Johnson has ended months of speculation this morning by confirming that he will be ending David Cameron’s political career in 2015. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Politics

Tom Cruise distraught after getting ‘Tom Cruise’ in ‘What movie star are you?’ Facebook quiz

"I was hoping for someone taller"

“I was hoping for someone taller”

“I was hoping for somebody taller like Sean Connery, or at the very least Brad Pitt” said a distraught Cruise after completing a ‘What famous movie star are you?’ Facebook quiz and getting ‘Tom Cruise’.

Cruise said he was starting to wonder whether Facebook quizzes were entirely accurate.
Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Entertainment

“Fatty musn’t look like an arse this time”: Portugal ordered to cull jellyfish before Cameron has a dip in the sea

Capture

Constant vigilance: Dave eyes up other potential sea-dwelling assaults on his dignity

Authorities in Cascais, Portugal have been ordered to cull jellyfish ahead of David Cameron taking a holiday swim. The Prime Minister is currently enjoying his second holiday abroad in four months and is anxious not to repeat the moment last time when he strode into the sea only to be swiftly stung and ejected by a jellyfish. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Unexpected ‘Situation Vacant’ in UK cabinet

warsi

“I didn’t get here today by … err how did I get here?”

Applications are invited for an exciting position right at the centre of government policy making.

Not enough to do in your own life? ‘Sort of’ interested in politics?

Always wanted to boss other people about? Maybe even a whole country?

Maybe you’re a failed parliamentary candidate, wanting to cut through all that red tape of actually winning an election Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under breaking news, News, Politics

House of Lords overcrowding ‘due to too many mild winters’

The eyes have had it.

The eyes have had it.

Recent mild winters have been blamed for parliament’s upper house roll-call remaining stubbornly complete.

“Unless we get a severe cold snap, it may not be easy to lever in everyone who’s bought a peerage” said worried Tory Treasurer Lord Fink “so the PM will check long-range weather forecasts before making his final decision on numbers.”

After the Fred Goodwin scandal, big-money party donors saw that knighthoods could be lost for trifling matters, such as misplacing billions of pounds, and were more willing to stump up the extra for the guaranteed security of a peerage. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under ice, Politics, Weather

White feathers handed to villagers who left lights on after 10

fevver

News of the incident could only morally be watched later on iPlayer.

An angry mob is forcing white feathers into the hands and letterboxes of homeowners who failed to correctly mark the beginning of WWI.

As social media networks led a call to switch household lights off at 10pm last night, Harold villager Pippa Delaney recognised a perfect chance to express fake indignation about those that didn’t bother.

“As far as hollow gestures go, flicking a switch to commemorate 37 million casualties of a war was one of the emptiest”, said Pippa Delaney. “Which is why I knew some wouldn’t bother. I’d grabbed a small duck and was hoiking the feathers out before I’d even whipped up a misplaced sense of moral outrage.”
Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Around Harold, Social media, War

Red faced Government officials admit stockpiling antivirus software to deal with Ebola

anti virEmbarrassed Whitehall chumps have admitted that they ordered vast quantities of software from an antivirus specialist to prevent the nation’s computer systems being destroyed by the Ebola virus, ignorant of the fact that the virus was a human infection.

Last night officials were insisting that the correct procedures had been followed whilst recognising that the antivirus software was “probably ineffective” against the killer virus currently rampaging in West Africa. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Health, Medicine, News

Oh what a lovely war: remembering WWI when war was neat and white (mostly)

uk-1915

Today there’d be a huge social media campaign including tweets from Prince Harry telling people to enlist

As conflicts in Gaza, Syria and many other places continue to rage, the West is commemorating WWI with fondness for an era when soldiers wore neat and tidy uniforms and blew up other mainly white men with the minimum of fuss. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under News

Tony Blair eats spiders, makes prank calls: Faith Foundation exposed in new book

Tony-Blair

Tony Blair the oil painting: they say the self-righteousness follows you around the room

An ex-employee of the Tony Blair Faith Foundation, Martin Bright,  has written about his former boss’ bizarre behaviour in a new book. Inside the foundation’s base, a posh tower block in the West End known as The Messiah Complex, Blair exposes staff to shocking scenes. Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under News

Yoghurt ‘not a dessert’ rules magistrate

yoghurt

Hostage called for clearer labelling on yoghurts.

Children in Harold can no longer be fobbed off with yoghurt after a meal, following a ruling by magistrate Danielle Hostage.

Local child Chloe Ackroyd (11) took her case to court, after being denied a Jaffa Cake on several occasions. Parents Jeremy and Michelle Ackroyd admitted trying to pass off something healthy as a treat, and asked for a banana and a box of raisins to be taken into account.

“There is a natural order to din-dins, whether it be a packed lunch or picnic”, ruled Hostage. “And it shall not be deemed to have ended satisfactorily until there is mini-rolls, ice cream or biscuits.”
Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Around Harold, Food, Health

Fury as Deep Web overrun by the middle class

Swimming-elephant

Size of Deep Web explained: imagine that all you can see of William here is the part of the web that shows up in Google searches, the rest of him is that which does not.

The Deep Web long home to hackers and gun-sellers, conspiracy theorists and drug dealers is under threat not from GCHQ or the FBI but the British middle class.

“It’s a nightmare,” said Harold resident seventeen year old Simon Delaney. “I thought the Deep Web was going to be full of really brilliant porn not my bloody parents going on about vegetables.” Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Technology

Tributes pour in for Harold’s ‘shark whisperer’

shark whisperer

Ben doing what he (very, very briefly) loved.

People across the spectrum of animal training have acknowledged the tragic demise of Harold’s first ‘shark whisperer’.

Benjamin Evans always insisted that sharks were misunderstood, despite being giant, stupid fish full of razor-sharp teeth. Eschewing the shark cage in favour of speaking quite softly, Evans’ technique was radically different from the accepted norm.

Evans developed his technique after winning a goldfish in an online game of poker. As soon as it arrived, the expert felt drawn to the animal, and instinctively knew that it definitely spoke English.
Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under Around Harold, Nature

Architect redesigns humans to complement new office

office

Another office ruined by an unaesthetic member of staff.

An architect behind an expansive, minimalist office has revealed plans to make the people inside complement the aesthetic.

Xorex Global Inc. commissioned Harold architect Joseph Blythe to design their new head offices, only to discover their staff made the place ‘look a bit shit’.

“It’s rather churlish of them really”, said Blythe . “I’ve studied ‘Nihon kenchiku’ for 15 years and have a wonderful grasp of space and light. But I shouldn’t be expected to accomodate the sort of lumpen worker who buys suits from Tesco, and thinks comedy socks somehow ‘brighten the place up’.”

Blythe revealed the new human will be allowed to vary slightly in size. “Each managerial level will be occupied by adults 2.3% larger than the one below, to subtly reflect their status”, he explained.

“But throughout the concept, each will maintain a pleasing BMI of 18.7, which best reflects the trapezoidal pillars in the central atrium.”
Continue reading

Leave a comment

by | August 1, 2014 · 11:00 am

UN threatens to shake its fist and say ‘grrr’ if hostilities don’t end

20140731-205146-75106870.jpg
With bold statements such as ‘stop fighting, now’, ‘stop killing children’, and ‘will you stop teasing Ukraine’, the world’s well-meaning but ultimately powerless parent, the UN, has threatened to start shaking its fist in a frustrated manner whilst saying ‘grrr’ if hostilities around the world don’t stop.

“We are in a difficult position”, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said. “Israel blame Hamas who in turn blame Israel, Russia’s friends are destroying Ukraine but Russia says it doesn’t know them even though we saw them all drinking together in the park. And God knows what North Korea are up to, we haven’t seen them in ages.

“We’ve tried sanctions on Russian billionaires but who knew they didn’t keep all their assets in one legitimate bank account?
Continue reading

Leave a comment

Filed under International News, News

Row breaks out over Ukip’s use of foreign angels

Clarence, a foreign angel (now with wings)

Clarence, a foreign angel (now with wings)

Ukip in Glastonbury has come under fire for employing angels and galactic beings none of which are residents of the United Kingdom. There have been resignations in the local party amid allegations that it’s being overrun by occultists who are working with supernatural entities that use the euro and have banned imperial weights and measures in their suspiciously keen-on-garlic-but-not-real-ale celestial home. Continue reading

Comments Off

Filed under Politics

Sadness as Orlando Bloom fails to hit Justin Bieber properly

Once made a film about being a boxer. Clearly learned nothing

Once made a film about being a boxer. Clearly learned nothing

Orlando Bloom has broken the hearts of his legions of fans, and disappointed everyone else, by failing to give Justin Bieber a decent slap when the opportunity arose. Having been insulted by Satan’s pop-meerkat, Bloom allegedly tried to punch him but failed to connect his blow leaving Bieber unscathed. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Entertainment

Driverless BMWs will still ‘act like dicks’, company says

20140730-110200-39720356.jpg
With the government announcement that driverless cars will be permitted on public roads, BMW have said that any driverless car they release will still act like a dick.

“It is important that any autonomous car acts in a way people would expect if it was being driven by a human” a BMW press release said.
Continue reading

Comments Off

Filed under Motoring, News

Commonwealth Games extended until world’s bad stuff stops happening

Gary Lineker still presenting age 104

Gary Lineker still presenting age 104

The BBC has announced it has come to an agreement with Glasgow 2014 organisers to extend the Commonwealth Games until all the bad stuff around the world has ended.

With planes being shot down in Ukraine and no end in sight for the Middle East conflict, The Beeb has decided it much easier to deal with wall-to-wall coverage of lawn bowls, squash and cycling than any in depth look at the many issues that look set to start WWIII.  Continue reading

Comments Off

Filed under International News, News, Sport

Diesel car drivers face £10 charge to help reduce smug levels

20140729-144511-53111563.jpg
Drivers of diesel cars are to face an extra charge of up to £10 on top of the congestion charge in London to help compensate for the amount of smug they give off.

Environmental groups have welcome the plans saying the amount of smug given of by diesel car drivers when talking about their fuel efficiency is becoming a serious health risk to everyone.

A spokesperson for the Green Party said: “Smug levels in the South East and especially London have always been high, with ‘banker bonus season’ creating a smug cloud so bad it is hard to see the top of Canary Wharf.
Continue reading

Comments Off

Filed under Economy, Motoring, News

Relief as internet turned off every night at seven pm

summer_freedom-wallpaper-800x600

Now we can all do this of an evening instead, whatever this actually is

There has been an unusual outbreak of happiness in Harold following the government’s decision to switch the internet off every evening in a bid to drive down energy consumption.

“I was afraid that I’d be lonely without the net at night,” local undertaker Carmen Hilton told us. “But now instead of slumping in front of Facebook either mocking or being jealous of one or two friends and dozens of random people I don’t know but friended anyway, I slump on my front step and feel the same about passers-by. It’s lovely, I’ve never had so much fresh air.”

“Having my own opinions is weird,” teen and enthusiastic gamer Simon Delaney confessed. “I mean if you watch something on TV and no one’s tweeting about it at the same time is it really happening, yeah? And I really missed playing Call of Duty before bed then I worked out screaming racial and homophobic slurs at the dog was just as much fun.”

Although the switch-off has not been in place long enough to have produced any data anecdotal evidence suggests that people are sleeping better and that newsagents nationwide have been given a boost due to the massive rise in sales of porn magazines.

Comments Off

Filed under Social media, Technology