George R R Martin announces he’ll write entire next Game of Thrones book in National Novel Writing Month

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Let’s see, “Chapter One”

Game of Thrones author George R R Martin announced today that the long-awaited next novel in the series will be available much earlier than anticipated, as he is going to write the whole thing during National Novel Writing Month this November.

This marks something of a change in writing style for Martin, given that he usually takes up to ten years to complete a novel.

When asked to explain his reasons for upping the pace so dramatically, Martin confessed that after several years of pretending, he has still not actually written a word of the next book, and sees ‘NaNoWriMo’ as his last chance.

“I can’t cope with all the lies anymore,” he confessed. “I’ve been doing all these interviews saying how well it’s going and let me finish at my own pace – haven’t written a bloody word. This novel writing month gives me a chance to catch up. Big month, bang it out, bish bash bosh.” Continue reading

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Clarkson in trouble over ketchup tweet

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He doesn’t look like he’s enjoying that.

Jeremy Clarkson became embroiled in yet more pointless anger yesterday after tweeting about putting ketchup on a bacon sandwich.

Professional distraction Clarkson caused outrage amongst opinionated breakfast fans, after tweeting “I am eating breakfast. It is a bacon sandwich. I have put tomato ketchup in it.”

“He really is a monster”, responded one self-titled meat-and-bread specialist. “It’s ‘red for sausage, brown for bacon': that’s the law.”

“Tweeting about ketchup and bacon in this way is childish and provocative. Who knows how many idiots out there will now try and copy him?”
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60 deaths from legal highs in 2013 “may not include alcohol & tobacco”

"Trust me, I'm the Home Secretary."

“Trust me. I’m the Home Secretary, I know what I’m doing.”

Deaths from mood-altering-yet-legal substances remain stubbornly stuck down in double figures, according to a new Home Office report.

Home Secretary Theresa May wrote the foreword but denies some of its apparent support for decriminalising drugs, or indeed having read her own department’s report.

“It was a Home Office report on drugs,” carped Mrs May “why would I bother to read it? Continue reading

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Could eating more chocolate and exercising less actually help you lose weight?

Not. Diet. Food.

Not. Diet. Food.

No. Of course it couldn’t.

Don’t be ridiculous.

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Frump-Bencher: near-tearful Harman lets politics get in way of fashion

harman

X-X rated: no-one with a Y chromosome has so far read her message.

Dowdy working gal Harriet Harman stepped out today in a frumpy grey t-shirt…but still wanted men would take notice of her.

Wearing a baggy unisex top, perhaps borrowed from her husband or hurriedly retrieved from the laundry basket, frump-bencher Harman raised fears she may have gone frigid, or given up on herself.

Fashion expert Pippa Delaney fears the politician wasn’t wearing a bra, or at least not one that made the most of her assets.

Yet while blatantly wearing a shapeless sack that forlornly displayed last season’s font, the ageing Harman still expected David Cameron to stare at her tits.
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NASA pulled from organising village’s firework display

No amount of gloves and nearby buckets could make this sparkler safe to handle

No amount of gloves and nearby buckets could make this sparkler safe to handle

Harold council has announced the cancellation of the annual fireworks display following the display organiser, NASA, suffering from some pre-event technical issues.

Nasa had agreed to set off some rockets in the village on bonfire night, however the council decided after watching their latest effort that the event shouldn’t go ahead on health and safety grounds.
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Obama calls for ‘care in the community’ for Ebola patients

obama breathes

“What? This old thing? It’s just something I happened to throw on.”

Barack Obama has rounded on ‘inhumane’ scientific quarantine procedures being used to tackle Ebola, and instead called for care in the community.

“Margaret Thatcher showed us that the people best qualified to tackle mental illness was the postman; the greengrocer; the less terrified of the neighbours”, said Obama. “And it’s just the same for people who might have Ebola.”

“Tents and respirators can be scary, whereas wondering around our cities and mass transport systems as if nothing is wrong can really calm a person down. There’s no need to be confined indoors, at least until you start bleeding from your anus.”

Obama called on Americans to be ‘neighbourly’ to those who might be feeling a little under the weather from the killer disease.
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Robbie Williams manages to make childbirth more painful

'Robbie Williams shared photos and videos of himself and Ayda Field in the delivery suite.'

Actually, yes. It is all about me. It always is.

Robbie Williams tried to distract his wife Ayda from her recent  labour pains, with a spirited rendition of his hit song ‘Candy’ whilst she was in the maternity suite. “It was difficult to tell if it was working, because she usually whimpers when I’m performing.” said Williams.

The celebrity couple’s second child made a much-delayed appearance at Dunstable Royal Infirmary maternity unit as nurse Ærndís Vigfusson explained. “We’d already seen the baby’s head. But when Mr Williams started prancing about, the wee mite crawled back up the birth canal.
We had to coax him back out with some jelly tots and an exclusive contract with ‘Hello’ magazine.” Continue reading

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British troops return to Camp Bastion to check they hadn’t left the gas on.

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In a British tradition that dates back to the very early days of travelling, after finally leaving Camp Bastion following 13 years of war in Afghanistan, British troops had to make an embarrassing u-turn and go back to the base to check they hadn’t left the gas on.

Everything had gone according to plan with a flag lowering ceremony attended by dignitaries in front of the world’s media, and then the last troops leaving the base in an operation involving 17 waves of helicopters and planes departing marking the end of our presence in the country.

However on the plane home someone asked the question ‘did you turn the gas off?’

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Harold school to allow term time holidays for ‘thick kids’

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Children spend a useful hour learning how to put on jumpers.

A school in Harold is letting parents take holidays in term time, but only if their offspring aren’t ‘promising’.

Head mistress of St. Mary’s primary school Alison Lee explained that her dimmest pupils can leave any time they like, but urged parents to ‘try at least’ to clash with OFSTED inspections.

“A lot of the brighter parents come to me and say that a holiday in some far-away paradise can be educational for their children”, said Lee. “But when they come back, their maths tends not to have improved in the slightest.”

“But when the Evans’ took their pair of mouth-breathers to a caravan in Rhyll in September, our SATS predictions climbed by 7%. It was an astonishing result; on average, even their two brainless dolts have benefited. As I told Mr Evans, I knew they’d have better luck educating them.”
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HS3 will give northerners the opportunity of not finding work right across the north of England

The North. That way, isn't it?

The North. That way, isn’t it?

David Cameron welcomed plans for HS3 this afternoon, after reading at least three pages of a report by HS2’s Sir David Higgins over luncheon.

“It’s much easier to plan than to implement,” said the PM “so I’m grateful for Sir David’s searching analysis with all its potential for shuffling that £1.7b Euro-Invoice onto page two … err … for linking up the great centres of northern unemployment … err … Continue reading

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Britain First boycott reading.

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Britain First leaders organising their now famous ‘library invasions’

Far­-right Facebook picture sharers Britain First have called on their supporters to boycott reading after some words were written about them that were critical and questioned their practices.

The group, which is a splinter group of the BNP set up by disgruntled party members, made the call to action following their boycott of The Sun for criticising their use of Lynda Bellingham’s death to garner support and on the Daily Mail for being too socialist and left wing.

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Developers look to nature to solve London’s housing crisis with the ‘Escar-Go’

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With London house prices getting beyond the reach of ordinary people, and affordable properties getting smaller and smaller, one developer has started putting a new range of properties on the market.

Modelled on a snail’s shell, the developer says their new ‘All-In-One Portable Studio Apartment’, named the Escar-Go, has everything a young aspiring professional could need and the homes fit in well with the environment, providing you spend the night in other people’s gardens.

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Prince Philip forced to delete first tweet

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Following in the footsteps of his wife, Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Philip has sent and almost immediately deleted his first tweet.

Tweeting under the user name @Imnotracistbut, the Prince Philip dedicated his first 140 characters to insulting at least four races.
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Cameron to remind EU of British tax values: ‘just because you earn more, doesn’t mean you pay more’

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David Cameron is to address the EU today to remind them that in Britain just because you are a top earner doesn’t mean you should contribute more.

The prime minister is making the speech in reaction to the EU’s insistence that owing to Britain’s economy earning more than forecast, it should have to pay the same percentage contribution on the higher amount in.
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Government to execute donkey a day until we exercise: obesity crisis solved

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Go for a walk or Hoofs McGee here gets it

A radical solution to the epidemic of obesity that has seen the UK increasingly resemble a badly dressed Moominland comes into force today. For every day that those declared by their doctors to be both fat and lazy refuse to exercise a government appointed executioner will shoot a donkey. Continue reading

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Brendan Rodgers angry that his new cat is behaving like a cat

Idiot

Idiot

Brendan Rodgers is said to be ‘furious’ after the cat that he got to replace his dog in the summer insisted on acting like a cat.

The Liverpool manager had a great time last year with his dog, Luis, who would happily chase a ball around for up to an hour and a half at a time and run around all over the place. When Luis moved on to a new home Rodgers bizarrely decided to get a cat, called Mario, and attempt to train him to act like a dog. He has since been hugely disappointed by Mario’s tendency to laze around all day and occasionally lick his own arse. Continue reading

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North Korea reports Renee Zellweger looks different ‘because she’s dead’

Pyongyang suspected of photoshopping Zellweger's obituary.

Pyongyang suspected of photoshopping Zellweger’s obituary.

North Korea’s news agency is regretting using Google Translate, after it put Renee Zellweger’s new look down to her recent demise.

“I look like this because I’m finally at peace”, Zellweger told a Hollywood awards ceremony. Minutes later, a candle-lit vigil began in Pyongyang.

A spokesman for Kim Jong-un explained that the supreme leader felt an affinity with Zellweger. The dictator has also experienced rapid weight gain in his past, coupled with a powerful attraction to Hugh Grant that ultimately ended in rejection and recrimination.

“Zellweger will be best remembered for her voice work in Monsters V Aliens, a film about the oppression of the people by an evil US government”, said Jong-un in a statement from his recently no-longer-dead uncle. “Although over here, her character was of course voiced by someone else.”

“And just like Ms Zellweger, I also look like this because I’m dead”, said Jong-un’s statement. “You still love me, even though I’ve done a lot of cheese.”

 

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Mike Read withdraws UKIP Calypso song admitting it’s unlikely to win MOBO award

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DJ Mike Read has withdrawn his best-selling UKIP Calypso song after recognising it was unlikely to win an award at tonight’s Music Of Black Origin (MOBO) awards.

The song is designed to highlight UKIP’s policies whilst dispelling the accusation that they are in any way racist.

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Badgers demand human cull to prevent spread of Ebola

Revenge? Moi?

Revenge? Moi?

Increasingly concerned at the impending threat of the Ebola virus, badger community leaders have called for the introduction of a human culling programme.

“We’re proposing an initial pilot programme,” Furry Rita told us yesterday, “by having marksmen to shoot the pilots of the planes that seem to be bringing in the virus into the country. The pilots may not have Ebola themselves, but they are obviously carriers so need to be eliminated for the good of everyone else.”

“Of course we’ve no idea how much humans spread Ebola,” continued Rita, the co-leader of the Harold Woods badger colony, “but Continue reading

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Paralysed man walks again: Iain Duncan Smith hails breakthrough in anti-scrounger technology

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

Iain and Iain are pleased

Iain Duncan Smith  has said that he’s “overjoyed” that a man, Darek Fidyka, who was completely paralysed can walk again after an incredible scientific breakthrough as it brings Duncan Smith’s dream of eradicating scroungers significantly closer. Continue reading

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British music murdered: it was Mike Read at the Ukip conference with a calypso

Grave

In affectionate remembrance of British popular music which died yesterday at Ukip’s hands, 20th October, 2014. Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances. The body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Paul McCartney

Ukip has killed British popular music. By releasing as a single a calypso sung by Mike Read in a faux West Indian accent so cringe-worthy it can kill gerbils and stop time then insisting that it’s witty and not at all racist the kippers have killed a much loved but ailing art form stone dead. Continue reading

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Arms companies welcome airdrop of guns and ammo in the global fight against falling sales

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Arms companies have welcomed America’s decision to supply guns and ammunition to Kurdish fighters.

There were concerns that a lack of ‘boots on the ground’ would see sales of arms reaching pre-Iraq levels.

“At the moment the world is fighting two wars,” a spokesman for arms dealers explained. “One against Ebola, and one against ISIS.

“Sadly you can’t bomb the hell out of Ebola, no matter how often we suggest it, so we are relying on a prolonged war against ISIS to help give us world peace and a decent Christmas bonus.

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NHS set to offer tape worms to fatties instead of gastric bands

Timmy the Tapeworm ..... and host

Timmy the Tapeworm ….. and host

Instead of spending thousands of pounds on expensive surgery, the NHS is understood to be planning to provide obese patients with their own pet tape worm.

No invasive procedures are required in this breakthrough treatment. In trials, the tape worm was introduced to the patient disguised in a cream cake.  There was one unfortunate incident when a worm was ingested via a burger, but officials at the Dunstable & District General have stressed this was an isolated incident and the kitchen hygiene policy is now being observed.

“At first I was gutted to find I was being given a tape worm instead of a posh gastric band,” said Harold resident  Jane Fondant

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‘Lock up your kids’ a promise not a warning says Grayling

ccatcherLarge

Don’t worry, they won’t be your kids, or those of your friends. Their parents probably shop in Lidl.

Chris Grayling has defended his latest blundering about in the criminal justice system, building children’s super-prisons, pointing out that they will always be for other people’s kids so nice people like you haven’t got anything to worry about.

Like Mr Graylings other initiatives, this one is soundly based on European research; his gardeners are all from Turkey and agreed the idea seemed good when it was explained to them in the greenhouse last Thursday. Continue reading

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Group behind world’s largest child abuse cover up vote not to welcome gays on ‘moral grounds’

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The organisation behind the world’s largest child abuse cover up, the Catholic Church, has voted not to welcome gay and lesbian people into the church on ‘moral grounds’.

An ex­-priest and current occupier of cell 565, G Wing, told us he is broadly behind the more conservative bishops’ stance.
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Pistorius sentenced to 15-year sentencing hearing

pistorius_sentencing

Not so fast…

South African athlete Oscar Pistorius’ punishment for culpable homicide has been announced as spending the next 15 years in a sentencing hearing.

The sentence will be reduced by two years to take into account the time Pistorius has already spent being sentenced.

The athlete’s defence team had argued that he should be freed on house arrest, given that the prolonged length of the sentencing so far, plus the decades that his trial lasted meaning that he was now in his eighties and unlikely to kill again. Some commentators have been critical of the length of the legal proceedings against Mr Pistorius, but the sheer relief of being able to go to the bathroom unslain largely outweighs this.

When asked by the judge his opinion on killing time, Pistorius remarked that the middle of the night suited him perfectly well, as there were fewer witnesses around.

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NHS England to relaunch as a bank to secure future government funding and pay

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NHS England has announced it is to reinvent itself as a bank in order to secure the levels of government funding it needs to provide adequate healthcare and properly paid staff by means of a multi­billion pound bailout.

The news comes on the back of strikes by nursing staff who have had their pay frozen, and as NHS England report it could have a funding shortfall of £2bn.

“We have made savings of nearly £20bn” it said in a statement, “but are currently unable to afford some treatment for illnesses such as cancer, heart disease or MPs’ memory loss.

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Terrorists threaten to attack UK by washing uncooked chicken

A terrorist, yesterday

A terrorist, yesterday

The terror threat level to the UK was today raised to the highest level since the Iraq war after suspicions grew that terrorists might have been reading all the recent articles about the deadly peril of washing uncooked chicken.

It is now known that washing raw chicken releases tiny water droplets filled with extreme poison into your kitchen, killing you and all your family instantly. Until this fact was established by government scientists, there was no explanation for the mysterious spate of deaths affecting everyone in the country who cooked chicken.

“Raw chicken washing-related deaths were running at approximately five million per year, in London alone,” explained chief government medical officer Brian Panic. “We’d always wondered why this might be, but no-one had ever put two and two together, despite the obvious presence of freshly washed chicken fillets near all the bodies.” Continue reading

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UK-US tensions rise over kidnapping of ‘Waterstones one’

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A major international incident was narrowly averted this week following the hostile kidnapping of an American citizen, now known as the Waterstones one.

Barack Obama told a packed press conference that relations between the UK and the USA had become strained following the kidnapping and said that locking one of its citizens in a bookstore crossed “a red line”.
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Ched Evans urges public to ‘think hard’ over re-electing Nick Clegg

Not a suitable role model

Not a suitable role model

Convicted rapist Ched Evans has urged the public to “think really long and hard” before voting for Nick Clegg again in upcoming elections.

Evans, a Wales international footballer who was jailed in 2012 for raping a 19-year-old woman, said “When you elect an MP, you are not just taking on a representative for your community, you are electing a role model. You have to ask yourself ‘do this man’s actions over the last few years make him the sort of person we want our kids looking up to?’ and I would suggest the answer is a resounding ‘no’.” Continue reading

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Supermarkets under fire for ‘Morning Sickness Kate’ Halloween costume

uhbr1030l_10ltr_bucket_redBritain’s biggest retailers are today coming under pressure to withdraw from sale a Halloween costume that allows wearers to pretend to be the Duchess of Cambridge suffering from severe morning sickness. Continue reading

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Granny’s sliding out with a grin: NHS launch window exit scheme to free up beds

hospitalThe NHS has rolled out a fast-track evacuation service to get patients out of bed and on their way home in a matter of seconds by fitting airplane-style slides to the windows of every hospital.  Continue reading

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Bono says sorry his genius can’t be fully appreciated

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You’ve let yourselves down but worse you’ve let him down

U2 frontman Bono has filmed an apology for the gift many iTunes users found to be their most unwelcome since chlamydia when all 500 million of them were given U2’s new album.

“I’m sorry people can’t appreciate my genius and the remarkable gift I gave unto them,” he said before raising his right hand and clicking his fingers. “Every time I do this a child in Africa says ‘why is this shite in my iTunes library’ and deletes Songs of Innocence. It’s probably something to do with their ears and such. Together, we can use your money to help these kids to grow and fully grasp the wonder of me.” Continue reading

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Waitrose trial bouncers in stores to keep out ‘wrong sort of customer’

I don't care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you're not coming in

I don’t care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you’re not coming in

Supermarket chain Waitrose have introduced bouncers onto the doors of their Leighton Buzzard store in an attempt to ensure that only ‘the right sort of person’ shops there.

The trial, which if successful will be extended to all Waitrose stores, is aiming to provide traditional Waitrose customers with a more pleasant shopping experience, and is based around a ‘think 25’ policy. If the bouncers suspect that a customer earns less than £40k a year they will refuse them entry unless they can prove that they earn more than £25k. Continue reading

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Celebrity psychic forced to sack husband over violent threats: We have one question

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“I first realized I was psychic next Monday” ― Dean Cavanagh

Sparkly idiot magnet Sally Morgan took time out from ripping off the credulous and the vulnerable to sack her husband and her son-in-law after they threatened a man handing out leaflets querying whether or not she can actually talk to the dead. Continue reading

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Terror suspect ‘lived at Blair address’

court

The court artist ‘vomited like an Ebola victim’ as she attempted to make this sketch.

A terror suspect accused of carrying out ‘indiscriminate killings’ lived at an address that started with ‘Mr and Mrs Blair’s house’.

The revelation was made during a trial at the Old Bailey. Jurors were shown a video of a 61 year-old man speaking with a transatlantic accent, posing on holiday and telling locals that he was once ‘really popular, actually’.

The suspect was ‘hiding in plain sight’ according to prosecutors, in a ‘massive house’ containing paintings of himself and his ‘frankly awful’ wife.

“These were obviously planned, because colossal portraits don’t happen by accident”, said Prosecutor Cherie Blair. “And the one over the fireplace really captures my good side. Not one of them is a water colour and all of them bear the hallmark ‘A Pretty Straight Kinda Peace Envoy’. I put it to you that you’re obsessed with oils.”
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Raheem Sterling calls for ‘nap time’ to be introduced to football matches

Bless him, he's tired

Bless him, he’s tired

Raheem Sterling has suggested that the introduction of designated ‘nap breaks’ into football matches would help prevent a repeat of the fatigue that saw him left out of the England starting line-up at the weekend.

The Liverpool winger has claimed that the issue of young players being a bit sleepy is one that is not widely acknowledged within the game, calling for greater understanding, and maybe a thirty minute break to be introduced into each half of a match for them to have a little sleep.  Continue reading

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Animal rights activist resigns after possible ant killing incident

EH artist's impression of the victim in happier times

EH artist’s impression of the victim in happier times

Leading village animal rights campaigner Rachel Guest has resigned from her position of president of Harold’s Animal First movement after an ‘unforgivable incident’ in which she believes she may have killed a living creature, namely an ant.

Speaking candidly after her shock resignation Ms Guest told the Evening Harold how she had slaughtered the ant. “It was all a terrible accident,” she said with a quivering lip. “I inadvertently stepped on the ant as it was crossing the pavement, minding its own business.”

“I’m usually so careful,” she continued, “which is why it always takes so long for me to walk anywhere, but my mind elsewhere was on the big question  – Do potatoes feel pain? and the equally important Could I live without chips?Continue reading

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Joy as Kim Jong-un appears in public on an unspecified date without being photographed

We'd make a crack about what a fatty he is but as the saying goes 'let he who is without brie cast the first wheel'

We’d make a crack about what a fatty he is but as the saying goes ‘let he who is without brie cast the first wheel’

Mendacious man mountain Kim Jong-un has been seen out and about in Pyongyang according to North Korean state media.

“Our glorious leader has visited two locations very important to making our great nation stronger and better,” a statement released earlier today said. “We’re not giving specific dates and times nor is there any footage of these visits, which totally did happen, you guys, we BFFs forever pinky-swear, because reasons.”

“Kim Jong-un is well and dedicates all his time to serving his beloved people by heroically consuming more calories in a day than the rest of us have access to in a week and hanging out with Dennis Rodman.”

These words sparked carefully orchestrated scenes of spontaneous joy on the streets of Pyongyang and a state of ecstasy in the below the line comments on the Guardian website.

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Blacked up Morris Dancers apologise for having photo taken with offensive person

IMG_0260.JPG Embarrassing, misjudged, and totally unacceptable. These are just some of the words some blacked-up Morris dancers have used to explain having their picture with someone most people in society find detestable, David Cameron.
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BBC to launch its own Nigel Farage channel

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The BBC have announced they are to launch a digital station dedicated to Nigel Farage.

The channel, BBC Nige, will be set up in the wake of UKIP getting its first MP, and British politics getting its first personality in over 20 years.

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‘Please stop sending us green tokens’, charities tell Waitrose

waitrose-community-matters-token-boxCharities helped by shoppers from the supermarket Waitrose have written to the company to ask them to stop sending donations as they “now have more than enough green plastic tokens to be getting on with.”

The scheme run by the supermarket sees shoppers swap the guilt of paying £15 for a bunch of six organic, corn-fed bananas, ripened in the armpits of a small foreign child, for the chance to donate green tokens to the charity of their choice as part of their ‘community matters’ initiative. Continue reading

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Scientists create ‘Enigma II’ – powerful enough to decipher greeting card price codes

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Scientists working at CERN say they have made a breakthrough that will have an affect on all our lives.

“We have finally developed a computer so powerful it can decide greeting card prices codes” the scientist leading the research explained.

“For many years looking for the price of a card in Clintons became a game of roulette with customers gambling on what number the till would land on when the cashier scanned it.

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Nurse magnet is go! NHS hospitals renting noisiest machines to the selfish

KONICA MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA

Volume-wise this one goes all the way up to eleven

The NHS has launched a new scheme aimed squarely at the selfish and the sociopathic. Hospital patients can now rent any machine that makes a noise guaranteeing them fast and full attention from nurses. Continue reading

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5 tips for peeing in the shower

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A University has asked students to pee in the shower in the morning to help save water by not having to flush the toilet.

We are fully behind the plan, and that’s why we bring you these five things to remember when peeing in the shower.

  1. When peeing in the shower, it is only polite you ask the person using it first.
  2. Peeing in the shower will save water by not having to flush, but that excuse won’t stop you being banned from the local swimming baths, so best stick to the one at home.
  3. In shared accommodation it may not be possible to wait until you get your turn in the shower, so you can use the alternatives. It is also perfectly acceptable to use the sink, the bath, or the dishwasher. Urine is a great steriliser.
  4. Should peeing in the shower lead to something more substantial and brown, don’t try and push it through the plug hole like a play-doh toy. Use the opportunity to do some recycling, repackaging your poo in a Lush bag and pretending it’s a bath bomb gift for your roommate.
  5. As we have already established, peeing during a shower is perfectly acceptable, but if the rain stops, so must you. On the same subject, and following Eddie’s arrest we must remind you, an umbrella isn’t a target.

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What is the link between UKIP and Ebola? Your questions answered

A grim faced Returning Officer prepares to deliver verdict at Clacton.

Clacton’s returning officer last night

There has been a good deal of misinformation and hype about the dreadful and horrific killer Ebola plague. We try to separate the facts from the Daily Mail.

Where does it come from?  The virus emanates from fruit bats in regions of Africa. At some point it seems to have crossed over to humans.

Does that mean that batty people are more likely to contract it? We believe this is possible. Symptoms include eccentricity and joining UKIP.

Will there be screening? Some limited screening is being undertaken with Tories MPs regularly checked. However, following the Clacton by-election there are fears that it may have spread to the general public. Continue reading

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Animators strike puts X-Factor in doubt: now who will operate Cheryl’s face?

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Pre-animation: Simon, Cheryl, Mel and Louis

This weekend’s X-Factor hangs in the balance due to a lack of animators to bring life to Simon Cowell’s and Cheryl’s botox numbed faces. Normally carried out by Wallace and Gromit creators Aardman Animation this highly skilled work is a vital component of the show.

However Aardman are striking for better pay on the grounds that they are not paid enough to have to endure the constant stress of trying to make Simon and Cheryl not look entirely dead behind the eyes. A task which the hard-pressed animators say is beyond even their Oscar-winning talents. Continue reading

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White, male, ex-Tory and incumbent MP wins by-election: Ukip hails “huge change”

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Douglas Carswell pictured having his right ear gently caressed by a much smaller man.

Ukip are today as merry as a schoolboy and as giddy as a drunken man over gaining their first MP, Douglas Carswell, as a result of the Clacton by-election.

Before the polls closed Ukip’s leader, millionaire ex-City trader Nigel Farage, told the press: Continue reading

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Nation divided over who is disliked more as John Humphrys interviews Johny Rotten

This isn't going to gowell

“Don’t be a pr*ck all your life John”

Radio 4 listeners were left confused this morning about who they disliked more, after BBC’s chief-hectorer John Humphrys interviewed famously loud-mouthed former Sex Pistols ‘singer’ John Lydon (aka Johny Rotten).

St Mary’s Teaching assistant Carly Jeffery spoke for many in Harold today.

“I try to listen to the ‘Today’ programme, especially if John Humphrys is on. His wonderfully sneering voice gets me proper fired up for the school day. When I heard that oaf John Lydon was going to be on, I knew it’d be lively and phoned in sick so I wouldn’t miss it. You won’t print any of this stuff will you?”

As anticipated, the interview was heavily edited before transmission but the Evening Harold has seen a small section of the transcript. Continue reading

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Talks planned to get ISIS and Ebola to fight each other

IMG_0213.JPG The UK and US have taken the lead in fighting Ebola and ISIS and arranged talks between the two to see if they fancy fighting each other.

“We just getting tired of getting involved in wars we can’t win,” foreign secretary Philip Hammond said.

“But ISIS and Ebola can’t get enough of the whole killing thing. For ISIS it’s in their blood, and as for Ebola it’s also in saliva and urine.”
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Public urged to ‘save up’ serious injuries to take pressure off A&E

bean counter

This man’s injuries weren’t considered budget-threatening.

People with just one serious injury should ‘stay away’ from hospital until they’ve acquired a minimum of three.

Such a move could save the NHS over £35 million a year and reduce the demand on vending machines in Accident and Emergency wards, according to accountants.

“Hospitals are busy places, and no-one ever died from a broken leg”, guessed Simone Evans of Dunstable hospital’s para-accounting department. “Whereas a broken leg, a collapsed lung and a burst spleen treated in one, efficient visit could allow us to make a profit.”

An audit of customers in one A&E department revealed a startling level of clumsiness. Such a predisposition makes further injuries inevitable, particularly if they black out.

“If you’ve shattered your pelvis, rather than running crying to us straight away, why not sit on it for a while?” asked Evans.
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Latest news-umping craze takes over BBC News website

BBC top 10The latest craze of bumping old stories to prominence on media websites has reached new heights with every item this morning of the Most Popular section on the BBC News website being an archived piece, including a rare report on the revulsion of the Islam world following the beheading of Anne Boleyn in 1536.

Fans of the craze, known as News-Umping, use social media to boost old stories which are often more interesting than the current headline news.  Exponents are proudly geeky since considerable research is required to locate old articles.

“It needs a good deal of work as google only goes back about 15 years,” said one young newsumper from behind a bushy beard and thick horn rimmed spectacles Continue reading

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No Ebola in UK: Daily Mail heartbroken

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“Why is everyone so healthy, dammit?” Paul Dacre

It’s a global health crisis that’s slowly but surely breaking the heart of the nation’s scaremonger-in-chief, Paul Dacre. The editor of the Daily Mail is reported to be barely a shadow of himself as day after day Ebola fails to appear in the UK. Continue reading

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RAF leaflet campaign targets customer feedback

bombing

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Walkers crisp competition won by ‘Pringles flavour’

pringle flavour

Fans say the flavour is the perfect accompaniment to drool.

Advertising executives for Walkers Crisps were left red-faced today, and not just because of their colossal salt intake.

Following an online vote, the spud spinners announced the new Walkers flavour is ‘Pringles’, with customers favouring the pre-chewed, reconstituted spittle-and potato tang that only tubular near-crisps provide.

“It was a close call”, said Hilda Remington, as she clutched at her heart and gasped for breath. “But in the end, the public have somehow found the energy to have their say.”
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EH investigates: do people only troll when hiding behind internet anonymity?

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Er…no?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Nope, not with us sadly living on the version of Earth where Richard Littlejohn is real.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

cameron-osborne-laughing

We rest our case.

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‘No new coalition without Lib Dem MPs’ warns Nick Clegg

clegg sandwich

Clegg half-heartedly eating a knuckle sandwich.

The Liberal Democrats have warned voters that there will be no future sell-out to the Tories, unless they actually elect some of his Lib Dem MPs.

The stark warning came as Clegg brushed aside questions about bedroom tax, tuition fees, bombing foreign countries, sex abuse cover-ups and actual moral fortitude. Instead, he read out the frequency his radio show is broadcast on and promised to do a fun quiz.

“A protest vote for us can still serve a purpose”, said Clegg. “A ‘vote for yellow’ is a vote for disappointment, a vote for underlining your disgust with the current voting system. A vote for highlighting the abject futility of voting.”
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Clegg ‘does a Miliband’ and forgets big detail from speech – last 4 and a half years.

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In an embarrassing moment at the Liberal Democrat conference, leader Nick Clegg ‘did a Miliband’ and forgot a major detail in a speech – the last four and a half years.

“The Tories have run this country into the ground since the last election”, he told delegates.

“Raising tuition fees, not funding free school dinners properly, and having a deputy prime minister more interested in power than doing the best for the country shows they can’t be trusted for another five years.
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First build slingshot: Angry Birds publisher slammed for redundancy contest

Angry-Birds-movie.0_cinema_960.0Angry Birds publishers Rovio are under fire for implementing the cruellest redundancy package since Bluebeard. The company is laying off a significant proportion of its workforce having over-hired in the belief that people would never tire of their product. Prompting critics to wonder if they’ve ever actually met people and how they’ve failed to notice that we have such short attention spans most of us can’t even be bothered to properly complete our cheese Vietnam L.S Lowry tropical fish… Continue reading

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Free-range eggs ‘were just round things found near chickens’

eggbox

Customers also unsure whether to keep them in the fridge

A Farmer in Harold is under fire after claims his free-range eggs were actually ’round things he found in a field’.

PC Flegg confirmed she’d received a number of calls from disgruntled locals, mainly from the payphone in Dunstable A&E.

“It seems that rather than selling ova from happy hens, farmer David Evans has been boxing up small rocks, clumps of soil and the occasional dog’s egg”, explained Flegg.

“Aside from the obvious questions about hygiene and trading standards, my breakast was ruined by dipping my soldiers in an old doll’s head.”
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Cat owners open gardens for public defecation

I'd give it 5 minutes if I were you

“I’d give it five minutes. Make that ten”

Residents of the village of Harold are celebrating the introduction of an ancient bylaw forcing cat owners to open up their gardens for the general public to defecate in.

This delightful community event owes its success to many hours work by local police officer P.C Anita Flegg. It’s no free for all though, gardens must be open to the public between 9.00am and 6.30pm every second Sunday of the month, with cat owners obliged to provide tea, cake and wet wipes to all visitors.

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Tories seize poll lead for being better liars than Labour

You can't see the crossed fingers

You can’t see the crossed fingers

The Conservative Party has been propelled to the top of the opinion poll charts for the first time in three years proving that their lies, or “pledges” in political speak, delivered at this week’s conference were better than those of the Labour Party.

It seems that the Tory lie of tax cuts for all was more convincing than Labour’s promise that they were reformed liars and had learnt their lesson and would never do it again, honest. Or put it another way, David Cameron’s smarm outplayed Ed Miliband’s confusion.

Miliband wasn’t helped by missing out chunks of his speech leaving him unable to put across his full package of lies. Continue reading

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Celebrating National Poetry Day with Matt Hancock MP

David-Cameron-Matthew-Hancock

Can’t help but wonder if all Dave’s chums are this delightful

There once was a minister on the hunt,
For more twitter followers so he took a punt,
Thinking he was using humour like a boss,
He retweeted a load of bigoted toss,
And ended up looking a right…(continued next page)

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Is Ebola spread by Facebook huggzz?

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“I hate being perfectly healthy, I have to work so much harder for attention.”

The World Health Organisation is investigating evidence that Ebola can be spread by vague platitudes and insincere sympathy posted on Facebook.

“I updated my status to ‘Feel fluey, legs ache. Blood running from my eyes’,” one Ebola sufferer told us. “I got four comments within five minutes saying ‘Awww bless. Huggz.’ now those people have Ebola too.” Continue reading

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Clegg refutes May’s ‘thumping great weasel’ allegation

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Our betters

Nick Clegg has accused Theresa May of making “false and outrageous” slurs over her conference speech claim that he is a thumping great weasel who wouldn’t know a genuine political conviction if one woke him up tomorrow with croissants and an especially tender kiss. Continue reading

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Workmates devastated as man says lottery win won’t change him

Council workersColleagues of Harold Council worker Neville Brand are still reeling after he collected his 50 million pound cheque and vowed ‘the win won’t change me’.

Mr Brand, 65, is the unofficial Harold Council social club secretary, keeper of the stationary cupboard keys, and a keen sharer of tennis updates in the staff tearoom, and he said he didn’t want to let his colleagues down by quitting. “The only way I’ll leave the council is in a box” said Mr Brand on nationwide TV.
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All 150,000 Glastonbury tickets ‘bought by BBC’

timthumbExecutives at the BBC are promising the ‘best Glasto ever’ after securing the purchase of every single one of the available tickets.

While last year’s event was marred by the attendance of several mundane people and an accountant wearing a cardigan, 2015’s audience is guaranteed to only feature ‘creatives’.
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Theresa May’s crackdown on poisonous organisations won’t include Daily Mail

Home Secretary outlines her get-tough policy for most people “Then, if I think they look a bit iffy, I grab them by the balls…”

New anti-extremist measures announced yesterday, targeting people and groups who “stay just within the law but spread poisonous hatred”, were described as draconian by some who might fall foul of legislation: Peter Hitchens, Richard Littlejohn, Melanie Phillips and Paul Dacre.

Although a future Conservative government would ban most extremist groups, hurried negotiations yesterday afternoon with Daily Mail owner Lord Rothermere mean the self-styled ‘newspaper’ will be exempt, due to its “unique contribution” to the cultural life of the country.

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Anti-Facebook platform ‘the pub’ attracts thousands

slaThousands of users have flocked to the new way of connecting with friends and new people. Dubbed the ‘anti-facebook’, the new place is simply called ‘the pub’.

“At the moment there is a wait to get in,” one keen first time user outside the Squirrel Lickers Arms told us, “but the landlord said we would be invited in at 11am, when they open.

“I’ve heard that if your friends are at the pub at the same time as you you can see them as you talk to them, a bit like Skype or Facetime, but in HD. I think that’s why I have been warned to keep my clothes on when I’m there.”
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Notorious serial killer tricked into retweeting photo of Margaret Thatcher

MaggieBritain’s most notorious female serial killer, Rose West, is furious after being tricked into retweeting a photo of Margaret Thatcher.

Twitter user Simon Delaney sent West the Thatcher photo saying it was his ‘Nan’ who was a big fan of West’s ruthless work ethic and could the photo please be retweeted in her memory?
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‘Bootcamp’ exercise class accidentally sent to fight ISIS

IMG_2960-0.JPGA group of fitness fans are rueing not reading the small print, after signing up for an exercise ‘bootcamp’.

While some had been prepared appear in lycra on Facebook, few were quite so ready to completely replace the British armed forces.

Bootcamps can involve incredible hardships, such as jogging in parks or doing press-ups near dog shit.

“We’d just watched a warm-up video about star jumps”, revealed Jean Evans of Harold, “and then we all did a stretch and practiced our puffing.

“But then a bald, red-faced man with a ‘tache started shouting quite mean things about Jean’s bingo wings, and made us strip down an SA80 assault rifle while pelting us with peanuts.”

Evans and her friends Glenda and Wincie can’t recall exactly what happened next, but felt they were unprepared to defend an entire village of Kurds.

“It’s freezing at night and we’ve got terrible equipment”, complained Evans. “My iPhone’s gone flat and the top on my water bottle is threaded. I signed up for ‘bums and tums’, not ‘bombs and Tornadoes’. The government keeps talking about boots on the ground, but so far they haven’t mentioned trainers.”

Defence secretary Michael Fallon has pledged to return the group to the UK, just as soon as the Iraqi army has been trained well enough to replace them. “On the plus side, I’ve lost just over three pounds so far”, declared Evans. “So I think I’ll give it another week.”

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Respected willie-waver resigns over ‘Tory MP’ slur

Phew, it's a microphone

Brooks practices performing with a life-size microphone

Essex internet sensation Brooks Newmark has resigned, after reports that he is secretly a Tory MP were published in the Sunday Mirror.

Newmark was innocently pursuing his hobby of exchanging photographs of his genitalia, with what he believed to be a fellow todger enthusiast. Continue reading

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Osborne’s ‘death tax’ cut too late for many Tory conference delegates.

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George Osborne’s latest plans to woo back Tory voters with the abolition of the ‘death tax’ looks set to backfire as it comes too late for many of the delegates attending the party’s conference.

With an average age of 146, the vast majority of delegates have been deceased longer than the Chancellor has been alive.
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Entire population of village swaps naked photos to thwart hackers

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Even the local wildlife is included. Look at that naked show-off flaunting itself.

There is a sense of quiet triumph in Harold this afternoon as villagers hail the success of their new solution to the growing problem of hacking.

“Every day some anonymous sod behind a keyboard somewhere says that they’ve hacked people’s phones or clouds and will now distribute the photos of their victims that show the most flesh,” Harold’s mayor Rufus D. Jackson explained. “So rather than waste time worrying about it we on the parish council worked out that if everyone took a naked selfie and everyone saw it then getting hacked wouldn’t be a worry and we can all get on with our lives.” Continue reading

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Obama threatens air strikes against European Ryder Cup team, starting new Golf War

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Continuing with his mission to rid the world of all threats to the United States of America, President Obama has said he is to launch air attacks on the European Ryder Cup team.

“There is a clear threat to the US in the golf,” Obama said in a speech to the US Congress. “A red line has been crossed and now we must act now stop more American citizens being humiliated overseas.”

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Cameron launches ‘whole-house subsidy’ for Young Conservatives

No, subsidies are for rich people. Don't you have any shares you can sell?

Cameron and IDS explain how housing policy works, to a person with little money. “Hmm, subsidies aren’t really for poor people. Are you sure you have no shares you can sell?”

David Cameron has announced that a new Tory Government would build 100,000 new houses, to be sold at 20% under market value to first time buyers under 40.

“But they must be hard working people, this will be no something-for-nothing handout for lazy or even moderately well performing people” said the man who’s had everything in life presented to him on a silver salver, Continue reading

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World Exclusive: Nigel Farage’s conference speech in full

UK Independence Party (UKIP) leader Nigel Farage reacts during a media interview outside the Marquis of Granby, Westminster in central LondonFor the last two days journalists from the Evening Harold have been deep undercover at Doncaster racecourse. Cunningly pretending to want trains painted ‘proper’ colours and to only ever eat English cheese we made it right to the heart of Ukip and managed to get our hands on a copy of Nigel Farage’s conference speech ahead of him taking to the stage at three o’clock this afternoon. Continue reading

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Injury hit Man Utd set to recall Giggs, Charlton and …… Best?

New boy Charlton is presented with his shirt

New boy Charlton is presented with his shirt

With at least 20 players crocked or hopeless, new manager Louis Van Gaal admitted that Manchester United’s injury crisis has meant some radical rethinking prior to this weekend’s match against West Ham.

As well as the inevitable call up from retirement for stalwart Ryan Giggs, the Dutchman with the Tefal head seems to have overheated his vast brain with his latest comments at the regular Friday press conference.

“Yes, we had to recall Giggs,” he said. “Ryan is fit as he ever was, and still works at his game which he proved last night when he made a pass at my wife.” Continue reading

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Harold’s Police and Crime Commissioner to be used as a traffic cone

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Following electoral turnouts of less than 15%, controversy following some of those that have taken the role, and a recent public meeting attracting just one person, the role of the Police and Crime Commissioner (PCC) had been brought into question.

However the residents of Harold have taken the lead and decided to use theirs as a traffic cone.

“Many people have asked me what he does,” PC Flegg told us. “I asked the PCC himself and after a 45 minute explanation I still have absolutely no idea.
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Users complain that masturbating over new iPhone makes it sticky

iPhone-6-Coming-in-2014Apple is under fire after early adopters of the new iPhone 6 have found that rubbing the phone on their genitals can render the device “sticky”, or in the worst cases, “awash with semen”.

The vulnerability, which Twitter users have already christened #wankgate, is being partly blamed on the new design of the phone, which has turned on reviewers so much they are unable to resist self-gratification with the devices.

One user, a Mr S. Fry from London, wrote in his recent review: “I hold in my hands truly the most beautiful object ever made. But when I rub my new iPhone against it, I find my device covered in bubbly man juice – that never happened while Steve Jobs was in charge.” Continue reading

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No seats, just spikes: Ryanair determined to regain worst customer service crown

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The new cabin crew really doesn’t care

Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary has vowed to make his airline even more unpleasant in order to reclaim its place at the bottom of the league table for customer service.

“Apparently nPower and Scottish Power are now both slightly more heinous than we are,” a disappointed O’Leary said. “I’m not having that. Ryanair prides itself on providing the most kak experience there is.” Continue reading

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‘False Widow’ spider ‘was benefit cheat’

spider face

Dead husband turned out to be a raisin.

A spider from Harold has been convicted of fraud, after claiming a single person’s council tax discount and a widow’s pension.

Few would have thrown the ‘false widow’ spider a second glance in the village, except arachnophobes who might have instead thrown a shoe. But beneath her hideous exterior lay a hideouser secret, and it wasn’t an incey-wincey one.

“Ms Borisina has claimed over £15,000 in benefits, since claiming she ate her husband after mating with him in 2007″, explained PC Flegg.

“But we now know he’s very much alive, having smuggled himself abroad inside the door mirror of a Polish-registered Skoda Fabia.”
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Miliband admits Labour spending plans were vetted by Tesco’s auditors

The moment of realisation

The moment of realisation

Only minutes after his triumphant keynote speech, Ed Miliband was in trouble again after not realising that Labour shared auditors with troubled supermarket giant Tesco.

Intending to underline the credibility of the spending plans, the gaffe prone leader managed to strike them through by revealing that Labour had used the same accountancy firm as Tesco, who owned up to a £250 million black hole in their profit statement.

The beleaguered leader made his latest cock up during an interview with Andrew Neil.
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Simon Cowell rejects devolved ‘moron votes for moron-only issues’ system

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Pop mogul Simon Cowell has rejected calls to change the voting system for the X-Factor. Under the changes, that will see voting devolved based on intellectual groups, only morons will be able to vote on issues that affect morons meaning only viewers with an IQ under 76 will be eligible to vote contestants off his show.

“This will lead to the end of the X-Factor,” Mr Cowell said worriedly, the first time those words have not been uttered in a celebratory way.

“If we are relying on those whose IQs match the contestants, then we are setting ourselves up for a lot of phones broken as they try to dial the numbers with their fists and foreheads, and not many lucrative votes.

“We had trialled a postal voting system but that failed when those morons taking part either posted their phones or stuck their eyelids together with stamps.”

David Cameron held a meeting of top Tories to discuss bringing in the intellectually devolved X-Factor voting system in at the same time as granting Scotland greater powers, a move some believe could be dangerous.

One commentator explained: “the biggest fear is that the average Tory voter fits into the IQ limit proposed. If they can vote Cameron into Number 10 just imagine what shit they could get to Christmas Number 1.”

However, unlike the English vote for English issues idea Ed Miliband has told the Labour conference he welcomed the proposals.

“I always said that even at the top of the political system I would never forget my roots,” he told delegate.

“If it wasn’t for morons voting for a moron, I wouldn’t be where I am today.”

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“No tits will be more famous than mine, I’ll get four,” says Katie Price

Katie-Price

We’re not plastic surgeons but we’re assuming four would be easier than three. You just divide and conquer, right?

Reacting to the news that a would-be reality TV star in the US is claiming to have had a third breast implanted, Katie Price has declared that she will go further than that and have two more added in order to “protect brand Katie.”

“My tits is the most famous in the world and with four there’ll be so much more to talk about,” she said. “This Jasmine Tridevil can just shut up. Three boobs, bitch please, come back when you’ve got a decent number.” Continue reading

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“First, deploy ground troops”: Tony Blair’s guide to love-making

Tony Blair interview

Tony’s is a strange sort of war-face

Tony Blair, Middle East peace envoy and man with the most erroneous job title in history, has published a guide to better sex on his Tony Blair Faith Foundation website. In it he says that he has discovered that the secret to being a great lover is to be near constantly trying to start a war. “War in the desert really hots things up in the bedroom,” he writes.  Continue reading

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Tesco ask Prof. Brian Cox to investigate massive black hole in their finances

black hole copy
Tesco have announced they are going to call in Prof. Brian Cox to investigate the appearance of a financial black hole in their finances.

He will be asked to explain in a ‘complicated physics’ way how £250m has seemingly disappeared from its profits forecast.

Speaking of the upcoming investigation, Tesco chief executive said: “It is important we explain how this black hole has occurred, and no one can make people pretend they understand black holes like Brian Cox.
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Whistleblowers ‘still not being heard’ at UK’s biggest whistle factory

Make yourself heard

Whistleblowers still face real problems in getting their message heard in the UK’s largest whistle factories, campaigners say.

In most industries, great improvements have been made in allowing employees to expose misconduct or illegal activity, but for some reason whistle manufacturers lag well behind, according to unions.

“It’s as if our members are simply not being heard,” complained USDAW union spokesman Geoff Tooting. “It must be something to do with the nature of this industry that whistle-blowers’ attempts to raise awareness are going unnoticed.” Continue reading

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Manchester United to be put down on humanitarian grounds

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The FA, the Premier League and human rights group Liberty have all agreed that Manchester United should be put down on humanitarian grounds.

The decision comes after they lost 5-3 to Leicester City, a result most commentators agreed could not have happened without a considerable amount of pain.

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Ecclestone: F1 radio ‘topic ban’ includes politics and religion

'You're breaking up' Bernie solves the Hamilton/Rosberg feud mid-race

‘Sorry, you’re breaking up.’ Bernie resolves  Hamilton/Rosberg feud mid-race

Bernie Ecclestone says prohibitions in F1 pit-to-car radio have similarities with polite dinner protocols.

“As well as politics & religion” explained the mini-mogul “we’re excluding scottish independence, sexual innuendo and your wife’s even-younger sister.” Continue reading

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UK sees first cases of ‘man-Ebola’

couch-potatoWives and girlfriends are on high alert as reports emerge of an outbreak of ‘man-Ebola’ in the UK. The man-Ebola virus is so debilitating that men have lain stricken on the couch for weeks on end, unable to do anything more than watch Game of Thrones and football on telly.
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Salmond claims victory saying Scots voting NO really meant NO to England

It's my country and I'll cry if I want to ..

It’s my country and I’ll cry if I want to ..

Alex Salmond has hailed victory in the Referendum claiming that every vote cast was actually in favour of Scottish Independence. Although the YES votes only totalled 45%, the First Minster said it was perfectly clear to him that those voting NO intended to vote against remaining in the UK, giving the SNP 100% in total.

The beleaguered SNP leader hit upon this latest strategy following David Cameron’s refusal to fight for it in the traditional Scottish way, in a dimly lit Glasgow car park.

“So far as I’m concerned, no one in their right mind would vote to remain in the United Kingdom,” he said defiantly, “so unless you’re accusing the Scottish electorate of lunacy, then it stands to reason that those who apparently voted ‘No’ must have misunderstood the ballot paper and meant ‘No” to the UK.” Continue reading

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Weather presenters welcome ‘no’ vote: “we can still fill a two minute forecast”.

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Weather presenters in the UK have welcomed the ‘no’ vote in Scotland saying they are glad they still have the whole of the UK to cover and now won’t be forced to go part-time.

“Giving the Scotland forecast takes up 25% of our working time,” the BBC’s Tomasz Schafernaker told us.

“If an hourly two minute forecast had been reduced to a minute and a half, the subsequent pro rata pay cut would have had a devastating effect on weather people.

“It would have led to mortgage arrears and us losing our houses. High streets up and down the country would have been full of forecasters pointing aimlessly at any green wall they could find.”

Mr Schafernaker went on to say that the presenters were so energised by this result they may seek a pay rise from their employers, but conceded that may only be possible with a full on invasion of France.

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‘See? I told you we’d keep the pound’ brays Salmond

'Laugh? I almost ordered my euros.'

‘Laugh? I almost ordered my euros.’

Alex Salmond has welcomed the referendum ‘No’ vote, which vindicates his claim that Scotland would continue to use the pound as part of a currency union.

“As I said all along, we can now continue to use the currency indefinitely”, boasted the SNP leader. “But as a sign of goodwill, I’ll allow England to share it.”

In addition to winning the crucial Sterling argument, Salmond’s Scotland will also retain the right to carry on contributing to Britain’s debt.

What’s more, the NHS will continue to be poorly run in the country, a key pledge Salmond has stood by thoughout the campaign.
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Purpose of Ukraine aid convoy finally revealed: Putin sends Gerard Depardieu to disputed border

Depardieu claimed he drinks 'up to 14 lorry-loads of wine every day'

Depardieu claimed he drinks ‘up to 14 lorry-loads of wine every day’

Russia’s largest transport aircraft has been extensively refitted, so that Gérard Depardieu can be airlifted to the Ukraine frontline. In a daring operation that exceeded the airframe’s carrying capacity by some 26%, Depardieu was delivered intact but hungry and dangerously low on wine.

“As soon as I heard about Ukraine, I phoned my agent to see if such a trip was tax-deductable”, said the actor. “Then I had lunch, some patisseries and a small bucket of brandy. After that it was time for a money wash, a whole roast goose and a litre or so of pernod. That’s when I was struck in the back by a grappling hook, and winched aboard the plane.”

The logistics were difficult and involved several attempts at in-flight re-patéing. “The Russian airforce does not yet have the capability to store more than a tonne and a half of carefully refrigerated foie gras on a plane”, explained Depardieu.

The sweat-drenched hulk is considered a ‘heart throb’ in his ex-native France, a diagnosis that was confirmed by his team of cardiac surgeons.
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Scotland decides: twenty-four hours until Connery is king?

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The man who would be king (caution: potential monarchs may be up to thirty-three years older than pictured).

Today Scotland goes to the polls to decide whether or not to go it alone or to give its loveless union with England another 300 hundred years for the sake of Wales and Northern Ireland. Continue reading

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“Breathing linked to cancer!” says Daily Mail

 

All these stiffs were breathing before they died.

Look! All theses stiffs were breathing before they died

In a major longitudinal study, first revealed rather breathlessly in the Daily Mail, researchers at Dunstable Royal Infirmary have identified breathing as a key factor linked to cancer and eventual death.

The project’s leader and Harold’s very own GP Dr Clive Evans, explained the breakthrough. “Until recently we’d focussed on dead patients, who generally weren’t breathing at all. But when we started to monitor live patients, an astonishingly high correlation with breathing suddenly emerged.”

‘Forest’, the right-to-enjoy-a-lingering-death-from-tobacco people, Continue reading

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Astonishing! Queen tells Scots where to stuff Balmoral in accidentally released tirade

QueenThe Queen has made an astonishing attack on Scotland in a pre-recorded public broadcast only intended to be shown in the event of a ‘yes vote’ in favour of Scottish independence.

In the ten minute tirade the monarch slags off the Scots, their food, the weather and says how much she hates Balmoral Castle.

“The ungrateful people of Scotland have spoken and I am delighted that the power of the ballot box has meant that I never have to go to Scotland again,” she starts gently. “Frankly, I’ve never liked the place, the climate or the food.”

After a bitter complaint about the “god awful sound of bagpipes”, the Queen turns to her Scottish residence. Continue reading

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U2 album removal tool wins Mercury prize for contribution to music

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Cheering music fans this morning

The Apple Corporation have won this year’s Mercury music prize for their new tool allowing customers to remove the U2 album which was forced into everyone’s iTunes collection.

The prestigious award is given only to individuals or groups who have made the biggest contribution to music in the last year, and eradication of the bloated sack of pretension that is Songs of Innocence certainly qualifies.

The music press has already compared the removal of the album with the release of the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper, or the birth of Beethoven or Mozart – one of the landmarks in musical history which arrive at most once in a lifetime.

“It’s like a giant turd has been cleaned from a beautiful landscape,” gushed music journalist Peter Paphides this morning. “People may say that the removal of an item is an intangible non-thing, but is the absence of ugliness not beauty? Is the removal of pain not pleasure? And more importantly, U2 really are shit.” Continue reading

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Westminster leaders pledge to sell England to pay for Scottish utopia

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You can count the argument on one finger.

David Cameron, Ed Miliband and a small boy in shorts have promised to sell England to someone ‘swarthy and well-off’ to fund Scotland’s demand for a paradise.

While some in England may oppose such a move, no-one will know for sure because they don’t have a say in the matter.

“Scotland may hate Westminster, but Westminster loves Scotland”, said Cameron. “It makes Britain bigger, which in turn makes us more important.”

Cameron revealed that England, on the other hand, has Westminster in it. “I’m afraid that lot are stuck with us, so they’ll just have to lump it.”

Ed Miliband agreed. “A referendum would be pointless, it would be like a child voting to not have a lung. The lung would still be there, whether or not the rest of the body resented it.”
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Minutes after acquiring Minecraft, Microsoft release their first ‘paper clip mod’.

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Following their takeover of the computer games firm Mojang, the makers of the popular game Minecraft, Microsoft have quickly started with the branding of the game by releasing their first mod, a helpful paper clip.

“We realised as soon as we took control of Minecraft that the help section was missing a little something,” Satya Nadella, the tech giant’s chief executive said.

“So we have brought back everyone favourite little unwanted helper from the 90s. It will use it’s old slap-dash approach to figure out what you might be doing and then offer you help with something completely different. It will keep the game interesting if anything.”
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Voters should “think very carefully” says woman who’s never had to

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“I don’t care what you do. Just keep paying for me and mine.”

In a historical first for the House of Windsor the Queen has advocated the use of intellect. Yesterday she was asked for her opinion on the independence referendum and replied: “Well, I hope people will think very carefully about the future.” She then added “but as long as Bake Off gets another series One really doesn’t give one about anything else.” Continue reading

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Daily Mail continues to wage its terror campaign against Britain

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Wide-eyed and dangerous: the Daily Mail’s leader is a fanatic known only as Paul Dacre

Vicious tabloid the Daily Mail continues to wage war against us all with its tawdry and sensational coverage of world events. Today it has chosen to show pictures of the last moments of David Haines’ life before he was murdered by Isis. Continue reading

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Whisky producers warn prices may go up in England after ‘no’ vote: “We can be petulant, too”

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Many whisky companies have shown that ‘two can play at that game’, and warned that if Scotland remained part of the UK they may be forced to put their prices up for customers south of the border.

So far many companies have said Scots face price hikes if they gain independence however the distilleries have said a ‘no’ vote would force them to show they could ‘act like petulant twats as well’.

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Oscar Pistorius makes ‘huge strides’ in bringing equality to monstrous crimes

pistorius

Even realistic woman-shaped crutches failed to sway the jury.

Oscar Pistorius has been hailed by the Equalities Commission for smashing the last taboo for disabled people.

After sort-of-standing trial for a crime typically associated with the able bodied, Pistorius has shown the world that the disadvantaged are just as capable of evil as the next man.

“This is a huge step forward in recognising that having a disability doesn’t exclude anyone for acting like a prick”, said commissioner Margaret Long. “You don’t have to have a full complement of limbs to shoot down a loved one in cold blood, and being differently abled no longer means cynically playing the victim card will definitely get you off. It may reduce the charge, but it won’t get you off.”

Before Pistorius stepped up to the mark and pretended to shoot a burglar, homicide had been considered by many to be the preserve of ‘normal’ people. “But the physically disabled can be mentals too, you don’t need toes to fire a gun”, revealed Long.
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EC gives AA energy rating to beards

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EC scientists claim Darwin was ‘carbon neutral’.

Facial hair could soon become compulsory, after Brussels tested a range of beards for energy efficiency.

Experts measured thermal insulation, wet performance and harmful emissions from a selection of chin enhancements, using a delapidated woman as a control.

“That was due to a translation error, but we stand by our results”, said depilatory scientist André Rhesus. “Even a frigid climate sceptic would recognise I’m much hotter with this stubble.”

While a Fu Manchu and a lip-clump only managed a ‘B’ rating, double-A was achieved by a full-on Brian Blessed.
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Judge in Pistorius trial eyes up Dermot O’Leary’s ‘result delivery length’ record

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Judge Masipa, the Judge delivering her verdict in the Oscar Pistorius murder trail has stated she may take two days to sum up the case and deliver the verdict, beating the current result delivery record held by The X-Factor’s Dermot O’Leary.

O’Leary has become well-known for dragging a result out for as long as possible for effect, often carrying it over two highly lucrative advertising breaks.
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Nobel Peace Prize winner announces plans to bomb Syria and Iraq

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He likes big bombs and he cannot lie…

In a televised address last night Barack Obama announced his Bombing for Peace plan. Revealing he means to defeat Isis and bring stability to Syria and Iraq by using the mass application of deadly violence. Over the years Obama has become ever more hawkish in his foreign policy and is now the kind of man who if you asked him if he liked bombs and drone strikes would reply “yes, I really like bombs and drone strikes” and give himself a little hug just at the mere mention of them. Continue reading

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Global despair as U2 album added to everyone’s iTunes music library

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Bono: we wouldn’t piss on ourselves if he was on fire…wait, is that right?

The Samaritans and emotional support charities across the world have reported their busiest ever twelve hours following iTunes automatically placing U2’s new album, Songs of Innocence, in everyone’s music libraries.

“I’d just about got over the initial shock, and the horror of U2 stealing an album title from William Blake,” Harold’s vicar Rev. Tansy Forster said to us, “when I realised that on my iTunes it says that I purchased it. Purchased! What if someone sees? Truly these are the End of Days.” Continue reading

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iPhone 6 introduces convenient way to pay for iPhone 7

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iPhone 6 will feature pre-shattered screen, so owners can boast of being first to break one.

Apple has announced that the new iPhone 6 will make electronic purchases easier, so owners can splash out on must-have gadgets such as the forthcoming iPhone 7.

“When we were designing the iPhone 6, we asked ourselves ‘what do our customers really want?'” revealed CEO Tim Cook. “We quickly realised that what they desire most in the world is the future iPhone 7.”

The newish iPhone 6, available in lamb and bacon flavours, is compatible with most of the tills in Apple’s stores. Pundits predict that should help boost sales when the iPhone 7 is released in October.
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Dumfries twinned with Calais as border security increased in case of Yes vote

DumContingency plans are well advanced on both sides of the border in readiness to respond to the inevitable rush of economic migrants from Scotland in the event of a “Yes” vote for independence.

With Gordon Brown’s initiative to save the Union doomed by definition of it being a Gordon Brown initiative, the Coalition Government is treating the possible invasion of hordes of insurgent Scots, once reality kicks in and they realise they have nothing to live on other than pride, porridge and potatoes, as a real threat to the Disunited Kingdom.

Realising that his, as yet unveiled, programme of ethnic cleansing may frighten off second generation Scots, Alex Salmond is said to be keen to maintain border security. Continue reading

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‘Super moon’ damages church roof

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PC Flegg claimed that several moons had been reported in the area.

Monday night’s ‘super moon’ has left a trail of descruction, culminating in damage to Harold’s village church.

The enormous moon was spotted by concerned locals as early as 6.30pm, and police were called to try and persuade it to ‘nick off’.

PC Anita Flegg attempted to move it along, and was eventually forced to deploy her taser. But it continued to loiter, and leaned heavily on the church roof. Flegg claimed the moon was ‘completely unphased’.

Despite an empassioned speech by the Reverend Tansy Forster, the moon dislodged several tiles, before bending the pointed bit with a small cock on the top.
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Proton Therapy Centre optimistic Ashya’s family’s finances ‘sufficiently robust to withstand treatment’

No, not your vital signs, it's your stock market performance

No, not your vital signs, it’s your stock market performance

Young brain tumour patient Ashya King has arrived in Prague after flying in from Malaga.

The centre reviewed Malaga hospital documents before Ashya travelled but need to see bank statements before determining his suitability for treatment.

Mr King is due to meet doctors at the Proton Therapy Centre to discuss options. A spokesman explained that their specialist intervention is not suitable for everyone, particularly poor people Continue reading

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Duke and Duchess of Cambridge expecting second child – Just 238 to go to avoid ‘Bedroom Tax’

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Clarence House have announced the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their second child. Speaking about her good news Kate said: “Only another 238 to go and we can totally avoid the bedroom tax”.

Having their benefits cut for every free room in their tax-payer funded house has left the couple down to their last few million, with Prince William being forced to get a job, although to keep their benefits this may not have be declared.

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Thatcher rises from grave to help save Union

Ironically, it's the only Union she didn't try to break.

Ironically, it’s the only union she didn’t try to break.

In a dramatic (and slightly gruesome) turn of events, former UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has risen from the dead to wade into the battle to save the Union.

As polls show the pro-independence campaign taking the lead for the first time, Tory chiefs have made the momentous decision to deploy their ultimate weapon: the Thatchernator.

Using the dark arts of necromancy and voodoo, which many of the upper House are experienced practitioners of, Better Together leaders claim they had ‘no choice’ but to reanimate their dead leader.

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Brian Sewell ready to take on Doctor Who role if Scotland votes ‘Yes’

Dr Sewell

Brian Sewell has had the Tardis fitted with a library.

Brian Sewell has revealed that he’s been secretly reshooting the current series of Doctor Who, so Peter Capaldi can be dropped if Scotland votes to leave the UK.

For constitutional reasons, Scottish people will not be allowed on the BBC if Scotland becomes independent. They will join the French and the Germans on an internal list of ‘undesirables’.

But the scheduling of the eighth series of Doctor Who couldn’t have been worse for the corporation – if Scotland votes yes, Capaldi will be out before episode 6 has been aired.

“Obviously we won’t have time to film a ‘regeneration’ so we wanted to find someone else who was rude, elderly and pompous”, said the BBC’s Steven Moffat. “Brian Sewell immediately came to mind, so we drugged him and dragged him to the studio.”
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Obama mistakes Stonehenge for golf course

"Where's my bloody ball?"

“Where’s my bloody ball?”

Barack Obama’s surprise visit to Stonehenge was because he thought it was a golf course, according to reports from those present at the ancient stone circle.

“He strode out of the helicopter and asked where the first tee was” said English Heritage’s Stonehenge manager Kate Davies. “I thought he wanted a cuppa so I pointed him in the direction of the visitor centre.”

“Next thing I heard a loud bang and Obama muttering ‘bloody stones’.”
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“We’re going to move the goalposts up Defra’s arse!” Defiant badgers prepare for new cull

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Badgers: plotting

Badgers are ramping up their campaign of mass non-violent civil disobedience ahead of a new cull instigated by Defra.

“Last year’s cull was concluded to be neither effective nor humane by an independent expert panel,” Manky Kevin co-leader of Harold’s badger colony told us. “Makes the government pretty special thinkers to know that and decide the answer is to shoot at us some more. The solution to Noel Edmonds isn’t having him on TV all the time, is it? Less is more with bullets, and with beardies.” Continue reading

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World Wide Woofs: internet addicts to get their own service dogs

Big enough to carry you out into the fresh air if he has to

In a landmark ruling Harold internet addict, Steph Jacobson, has been awarded her own service dog. It is now expected that hundreds of thousands of other similarly afflicted Britons will be getting their own dog under the World Wide Woof scheme. Continue reading

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President Obama pleads to be released from Wales

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“It’s not fair. The worst thing that happened to George W was a pretzel.”

Currently held captive by the Nato summit Barack Obama has spoken of his despair on being trapped in South Wales.

“I was told that people here shared our language and ideals,” he said. “But why is everything ‘tidy’ and what’s the meaning of that giant red wave on the waterfront?” Continue reading

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Joan Rivers to be broken up and recycled after plastic surgeons finally give up

Rivers in 1960, 1976 and 2014.

Rivers in 1960, 1976 and 2014.

Joan Rivers has died, aged 85, 34, 21, 15, 5, and 6 months, according to which part of her body was being assessed by the duty pathologist.

Doctors treating the outspoken comedienne disclosed that although her heart and brain had given up years ago, they had managed to keep her mouth going for the past decade fed on scraps of indiscriminate material gleaned from the tabloid press.

Born early in the last millennium, Joan Cruella Rivers became more famous for her extensive plastic surgery regime than her sharp tongued wit, especially after her tongue was enhanced in the late nineties. She once quipped ‘I come under the surgeon’s knife more often than most women come under their husbands’
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“How to protect us from ISIS? Give us your bloody security” public tell NATO leaders

_77295574_armedpoliceCitizens of countries represented at the NATO meeting in Wales have come up with a radical idea to protect themselves from the dangers of ISIS. They have requested a militarised ring of steel similar to the one protecting their leaders from a few protesters while they discuss the best way to protect their countries.
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Another gaffe as Miliband flies to Cardiff to deliver keynote Scottish independence speech

So good to be back in Scotland.

So good to be back in Scotland.

Aides close to Ed Miliband were rallying around the gaffe prone Labour leader after he surprisingly arrived in Cardiff to deliver his first major speech on the vote for Scottish independence.

Although officials tried to explain away the obvious error by saying that Miliband was in Cardiff to be available in the unlikely event that NATO leaders wanted to consult with him, the explanation seems to be that the Opposition leader was under the mistaken belief that Cardiff was in Scotland.

The situation wasn’t helped when upon arriving at Cardiff Airport, Miliband, wearing a specially made Kinnock clan tartan tie to show solidarity with the local population, asked where he could buy some Edinburgh rock as a souvenir. Continue reading

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Village souvenir tea towels replaced with novelty dishwasher tablets

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Nigella will gnaw off the blue bits if Scotland votes for independence.

A village post office has finally updated its stock of gifts – out go tea towels, and in come souvenir dishwasher tablets.

Complete with a commemorative range of rinse aids and 3 kilo sacks of salt, Harold will once again rekindle holiday memories while people wash up the pots.

“Some of these tea towels have been here for nearly ten years”, admitted post mistress Nigella Bunting. “For some reason, visitors don’t want to associate our village with ball-aching drudgery. So I came up with the idea of upgrading to these 2-in-1 gel bags: they wash plates while they remind you of visiting here by accident on that day when the M1 was closed.”
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Tony Blair wins Philanthropist of the Year award (seriously)

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Proof

Tony Blair won the GQ Philanthropist of the Year award and picked up his prize in person.

In his acceptance speech he said. “I would like to dedicate this award to the people that work with and for my organisations. I feel the pulse of progress beating a little harder.” Continue reading

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War on terrorism on hold whilst US hunts down source of Jennifer Laurence nude photos

jenWhite House aides have confirmed that any further response to the Isis Crisis has been postponed until the FBI, CIA and other intelligence agencies have apprehended the person responsible for the publication of nude photographs of celebrities without their permission.

“We appreciate that celebrities flaunt their flesh at any opportunity for the delight of their adoring public, but it’s an entirely different thing when this is done without permission and the celebrity is unable to receive payment,” said an official, “this threatens the entire basis of Western Civilisation, far more than the Islamic State which is miles away anyway.”
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