Increasingly concerned at the impending threat of the Ebola virus, badger community leaders have called for the introduction of a human culling programme.
“We’re proposing an initial pilot programme,” Furry Rita told us yesterday, “by having marksmen to shoot the pilots of the planes that seem to be bringing in the virus into the country. The pilots may not have Ebola themselves, but they are obviously carriers so need to be eliminated for the good of everyone else.”
“Of course we’ve no idea how much humans spread Ebola,” continued Rita, the co-leader of the Harold Woods badger colony, “but Continue reading
Iain and Iain are pleased
Iain Duncan Smith has said that he’s “overjoyed” that a man, Darek Fidyka, who was completely paralysed can walk again after an incredible scientific breakthrough as it brings Duncan Smith’s dream of eradicating scroungers significantly closer. Continue reading
In affectionate remembrance of British popular music which died yesterday at Ukip’s hands, 20th October, 2014. Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances. The body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Paul McCartney
Ukip has killed British popular music. By releasing as a single a calypso sung by Mike Read in a faux West Indian accent so cringe-worthy it can kill gerbils and stop time then insisting that it’s witty and not at all racist the kippers have killed a much loved but ailing art form stone dead. Continue reading
Arms companies have welcomed America’s decision to supply guns and ammunition to Kurdish fighters.
There were concerns that a lack of ‘boots on the ground’ would see sales of arms reaching pre-Iraq levels.
“At the moment the world is fighting two wars,” a spokesman for arms dealers explained. “One against Ebola, and one against ISIS.
“Sadly you can’t bomb the hell out of Ebola, no matter how often we suggest it, so we are relying on a prolonged war against ISIS to help give us world peace and a decent Christmas bonus.
Filed under News, Politics
Timmy the Tapeworm ….. and host
Instead of spending thousands of pounds on expensive surgery, the NHS is understood to be planning to provide obese patients with their own pet tape worm.
No invasive procedures are required in this breakthrough treatment. In trials, the tape worm was introduced to the patient disguised in a cream cake. There was one unfortunate incident when a worm was ingested via a burger, but officials at the Dunstable & District General have stressed this was an isolated incident and the kitchen hygiene policy is now being observed.
“At first I was gutted to find I was being given a tape worm instead of a posh gastric band,” said Harold resident Jane Fondant
Don’t worry, they won’t be your kids, or those of your friends. Their parents probably shop in Lidl.
Chris Grayling has defended his latest blundering about in the criminal justice system, building children’s super-prisons, pointing out that they will always be for other people’s kids so nice people like you haven’t got anything to worry about.
Like Mr Graylings other initiatives, this one is soundly based on European research; his gardeners are all from Turkey and agreed the idea seemed good when it was explained to them in the greenhouse last Thursday. Continue reading
The organisation behind the world’s largest child abuse cover up, the Catholic Church, has voted not to welcome gay and lesbian people into the church on ‘moral grounds’.
An ex-priest and current occupier of cell 565, G Wing, told us he is broadly behind the more conservative bishops’ stance.
Filed under Crime, Religion
Not so fast…
South African athlete Oscar Pistorius’ punishment for culpable homicide has been announced as spending the next 15 years in a sentencing hearing.
The sentence will be reduced by two years to take into account the time Pistorius has already spent being sentenced.
The athlete’s defence team had argued that he should be freed on house arrest, given that the prolonged length of the sentencing so far, plus the decades that his trial lasted meaning that he was now in his eighties and unlikely to kill again. Some commentators have been critical of the length of the legal proceedings against Mr Pistorius, but the sheer relief of being able to go to the bathroom unslain largely outweighs this.
When asked by the judge his opinion on killing time, Pistorius remarked that the middle of the night suited him perfectly well, as there were fewer witnesses around.
NHS England has announced it is to reinvent itself as a bank in order to secure the levels of government funding it needs to provide adequate healthcare and properly paid staff by means of a multibillion pound bailout.
The news comes on the back of strikes by nursing staff who have had their pay frozen, and as NHS England report it could have a funding shortfall of £2bn.
“We have made savings of nearly £20bn” it said in a statement, “but are currently unable to afford some treatment for illnesses such as cancer, heart disease or MPs’ memory loss.
Filed under Economy, Health
A terrorist, yesterday
The terror threat level to the UK was today raised to the highest level since the Iraq war after suspicions grew that terrorists might have been reading all the recent articles about the deadly peril of washing uncooked chicken.
It is now known that washing raw chicken releases tiny water droplets filled with extreme poison into your kitchen, killing you and all your family instantly. Until this fact was established by government scientists, there was no explanation for the mysterious spate of deaths affecting everyone in the country who cooked chicken.
“Raw chicken washing-related deaths were running at approximately five million per year, in London alone,” explained chief government medical officer Brian Panic. “We’d always wondered why this might be, but no-one had ever put two and two together, despite the obvious presence of freshly washed chicken fillets near all the bodies.” Continue reading
Filed under Crime, Lifestyle
A major international incident was narrowly averted this week following the hostile kidnapping of an American citizen, now known as the Waterstones one.
Barack Obama told a packed press conference that relations between the UK and the USA had become strained following the kidnapping and said that locking one of its citizens in a bookstore crossed “a red line”.
Not a suitable role model
Convicted rapist Ched Evans has urged the public to “think really long and hard” before voting for Nick Clegg again in upcoming elections.
Evans, a Wales international footballer who was jailed in 2012 for raping a 19-year-old woman, said “When you elect an MP, you are not just taking on a representative for your community, you are electing a role model. You have to ask yourself ‘do this man’s actions over the last few years make him the sort of person we want our kids looking up to?’ and I would suggest the answer is a resounding ‘no’.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Britain’s biggest retailers are today coming under pressure to withdraw from sale a Halloween costume that allows wearers to pretend to be the Duchess of Cambridge suffering from severe morning sickness. Continue reading
The NHS has rolled out a fast-track evacuation service to get patients out of bed and on their way home in a matter of seconds by fitting airplane-style slides to the windows of every hospital. Continue reading
Filed under Medicine, News
You’ve let yourselves down but worse you’ve let him down
U2 frontman Bono has filmed an apology for the gift many iTunes users found to be their most unwelcome since chlamydia when all 500 million of them were given U2’s new album.
“I’m sorry people can’t appreciate my genius and the remarkable gift I gave unto them,” he said before raising his right hand and clicking his fingers. “Every time I do this a child in Africa says ‘why is this shite in my iTunes library’ and deletes Songs of Innocence. It’s probably something to do with their ears and such. Together, we can use your money to help these kids to grow and fully grasp the wonder of me.” Continue reading
I don’t care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you’re not coming in
Supermarket chain Waitrose have introduced bouncers onto the doors of their Leighton Buzzard store in an attempt to ensure that only ‘the right sort of person’ shops there.
The trial, which if successful will be extended to all Waitrose stores, is aiming to provide traditional Waitrose customers with a more pleasant shopping experience, and is based around a ‘think 25’ policy. If the bouncers suspect that a customer earns less than £40k a year they will refuse them entry unless they can prove that they earn more than £25k. Continue reading
“I first realized I was psychic next Monday” ― Dean Cavanagh
Sparkly idiot magnet Sally Morgan took time out from ripping off the credulous and the vulnerable to sack her husband and her son-in-law after they threatened a man handing out leaflets querying whether or not she can actually talk to the dead. Continue reading
The court artist ‘vomited like an Ebola victim’ as she attempted to make this sketch.
A terror suspect accused of carrying out ‘indiscriminate killings’ lived at an address that started with ‘Mr and Mrs Blair’s house’.
The revelation was made during a trial at the Old Bailey. Jurors were shown a video of a 61 year-old man speaking with a transatlantic accent, posing on holiday and telling locals that he was once ‘really popular, actually’.
The suspect was ‘hiding in plain sight’ according to prosecutors, in a ‘massive house’ containing paintings of himself and his ‘frankly awful’ wife.
“These were obviously planned, because colossal portraits don’t happen by accident”, said Prosecutor Cherie Blair. “And the one over the fireplace really captures my good side. Not one of them is a water colour and all of them bear the hallmark ‘A Pretty Straight Kinda Peace Envoy’. I put it to you that you’re obsessed with oils.”
Filed under Crime, Politics
Bless him, he’s tired
Raheem Sterling has suggested that the introduction of designated ‘nap breaks’ into football matches would help prevent a repeat of the fatigue that saw him left out of the England starting line-up at the weekend.
The Liverpool winger has claimed that the issue of young players being a bit sleepy is one that is not widely acknowledged within the game, calling for greater understanding, and maybe a thirty minute break to be introduced into each half of a match for them to have a little sleep. Continue reading
EH artist’s impression of the victim in happier times
Leading village animal rights campaigner Rachel Guest has resigned from her position of president of Harold’s Animal First movement after an ‘unforgivable incident’ in which she believes she may have killed a living creature, namely an ant.
Speaking candidly after her shock resignation Ms Guest told the Evening Harold how she had slaughtered the ant. “It was all a terrible accident,” she said with a quivering lip. “I inadvertently stepped on the ant as it was crossing the pavement, minding its own business.”
“I’m usually so careful,” she continued, “which is why it always takes so long for me to walk anywhere, but my mind elsewhere was on the big question – Do potatoes feel pain? and the equally important Could I live without chips?” Continue reading
We’d make a crack about what a fatty he is but as the saying goes ‘let he who is without brie cast the first wheel’
Mendacious man mountain Kim Jong-un has been seen out and about in Pyongyang according to North Korean state media.
“Our glorious leader has visited two locations very important to making our great nation stronger and better,” a statement released earlier today said. “We’re not giving specific dates and times nor is there any footage of these visits, which totally did happen, you guys, we BFFs forever pinky-swear, because reasons.”
“Kim Jong-un is well and dedicates all his time to serving his beloved people by heroically consuming more calories in a day than the rest of us have access to in a week and hanging out with Dennis Rodman.”
These words sparked carefully orchestrated scenes of spontaneous joy on the streets of Pyongyang and a state of ecstasy in the below the line comments on the Guardian website.
Embarrassing, misjudged, and totally unacceptable. These are just some of the words some blacked-up Morris dancers have used to explain having their picture with someone most people in society find detestable, David Cameron.
The BBC have announced they are to launch a digital station dedicated to Nigel Farage.
The channel, BBC Nige, will be set up in the wake of UKIP getting its first MP, and British politics getting its first personality in over 20 years.
Charities helped by shoppers from the supermarket Waitrose have written to the company to ask them to stop sending donations as they “now have more than enough green plastic tokens to be getting on with.”
The scheme run by the supermarket sees shoppers swap the guilt of paying £15 for a bunch of six organic, corn-fed bananas, ripened in the armpits of a small foreign child, for the chance to donate green tokens to the charity of their choice as part of their ‘community matters’ initiative. Continue reading
Scientists working at CERN say they have made a breakthrough that will have an affect on all our lives.
“We have finally developed a computer so powerful it can decide greeting card prices codes” the scientist leading the research explained.
“For many years looking for the price of a card in Clintons became a game of roulette with customers gambling on what number the till would land on when the cashier scanned it.
Volume-wise this one goes all the way up to eleven
The NHS has launched a new scheme aimed squarely at the selfish and the sociopathic. Hospital patients can now rent any machine that makes a noise guaranteeing them fast and full attention from nurses. Continue reading
A University has asked students to pee in the shower in the morning to help save water by not having to flush the toilet.
We are fully behind the plan, and that’s why we bring you these five things to remember when peeing in the shower.
- When peeing in the shower, it is only polite you ask the person using it first.
- Peeing in the shower will save water by not having to flush, but that excuse won’t stop you being banned from the local swimming baths, so best stick to the one at home.
- In shared accommodation it may not be possible to wait until you get your turn in the shower, so you can use the alternatives. It is also perfectly acceptable to use the sink, the bath, or the dishwasher. Urine is a great steriliser.
- Should peeing in the shower lead to something more substantial and brown, don’t try and push it through the plug hole like a play-doh toy. Use the opportunity to do some recycling, repackaging your poo in a Lush bag and pretending it’s a bath bomb gift for your roommate.
- As we have already established, peeing during a shower is perfectly acceptable, but if the rain stops, so must you. On the same subject, and following Eddie’s arrest we must remind you, an umbrella isn’t a target.
Clacton’s returning officer last night
There has been a good deal of misinformation and hype about the dreadful and horrific killer Ebola plague. We try to separate the facts from the Daily Mail.
Where does it come from? The virus emanates from fruit bats in regions of Africa. At some point it seems to have crossed over to humans.
Does that mean that batty people are more likely to contract it? We believe this is possible. Symptoms include eccentricity and joining UKIP.
Will there be screening? Some limited screening is being undertaken with Tories MPs regularly checked. However, following the Clacton by-election there are fears that it may have spread to the general public. Continue reading
Pre-animation: Simon, Cheryl, Mel and Louis
This weekend’s X-Factor hangs in the balance due to a lack of animators to bring life to Simon Cowell’s and Cheryl’s botox numbed faces. Normally carried out by Wallace and Gromit creators Aardman Animation this highly skilled work is a vital component of the show.
However Aardman are striking for better pay on the grounds that they are not paid enough to have to endure the constant stress of trying to make Simon and Cheryl not look entirely dead behind the eyes. A task which the hard-pressed animators say is beyond even their Oscar-winning talents. Continue reading
Douglas Carswell pictured having his right ear gently caressed by a much smaller man.
Ukip are today as merry as a schoolboy and as giddy as a drunken man over gaining their first MP, Douglas Carswell, as a result of the Clacton by-election.
Before the polls closed Ukip’s leader, millionaire ex-City trader Nigel Farage, told the press: Continue reading
“Don’t be a pr*ck all your life John”
Radio 4 listeners were left confused this morning about who they disliked more, after BBC’s chief-hectorer John Humphrys interviewed famously loud-mouthed former Sex Pistols ‘singer’ John Lydon (aka Johny Rotten).
St Mary’s Teaching assistant Carly Jeffery spoke for many in Harold today.
“I try to listen to the ‘Today’ programme, especially if John Humphrys is on. His wonderfully sneering voice gets me proper fired up for the school day. When I heard that oaf John Lydon was going to be on, I knew it’d be lively and phoned in sick so I wouldn’t miss it. You won’t print any of this stuff will you?”
As anticipated, the interview was heavily edited before transmission but the Evening Harold has seen a small section of the transcript. Continue reading
The UK and US have taken the lead in fighting Ebola and ISIS and arranged talks between the two to see if they fancy fighting each other.
“We just getting tired of getting involved in wars we can’t win,” foreign secretary Philip Hammond said.
“But ISIS and Ebola can’t get enough of the whole killing thing. For ISIS it’s in their blood, and as for Ebola it’s also in saliva and urine.”
This man’s injuries weren’t considered budget-threatening.
People with just one serious injury should ‘stay away’ from hospital until they’ve acquired a minimum of three.
Such a move could save the NHS over £35 million a year and reduce the demand on vending machines in Accident and Emergency wards, according to accountants.
“Hospitals are busy places, and no-one ever died from a broken leg”, guessed Simone Evans of Dunstable hospital’s para-accounting department. “Whereas a broken leg, a collapsed lung and a burst spleen treated in one, efficient visit could allow us to make a profit.”
An audit of customers in one A&E department revealed a startling level of clumsiness. Such a predisposition makes further injuries inevitable, particularly if they black out.
“If you’ve shattered your pelvis, rather than running crying to us straight away, why not sit on it for a while?” asked Evans.
“Why is everyone so healthy, dammit?” Paul Dacre
It’s a global health crisis that’s slowly but surely breaking the heart of the nation’s scaremonger-in-chief, Paul Dacre. The editor of the Daily Mail is reported to be barely a shadow of himself as day after day Ebola fails to appear in the UK. Continue reading
Fans say the flavour is the perfect accompaniment to drool.
Advertising executives for Walkers Crisps were left red-faced today, and not just because of their colossal salt intake.
Following an online vote, the spud spinners announced the new Walkers flavour is ‘Pringles’, with customers favouring the pre-chewed, reconstituted spittle-and potato tang that only tubular near-crisps provide.
“It was a close call”, said Hilda Remington, as she clutched at her heart and gasped for breath. “But in the end, the public have somehow found the energy to have their say.”
Clegg half-heartedly eating a knuckle sandwich.
The Liberal Democrats have warned voters that there will be no future sell-out to the Tories, unless they actually elect some of his Lib Dem MPs.
The stark warning came as Clegg brushed aside questions about bedroom tax, tuition fees, bombing foreign countries, sex abuse cover-ups and actual moral fortitude. Instead, he read out the frequency his radio show is broadcast on and promised to do a fun quiz.
“A protest vote for us can still serve a purpose”, said Clegg. “A ‘vote for yellow’ is a vote for disappointment, a vote for underlining your disgust with the current voting system. A vote for highlighting the abject futility of voting.”
In an embarrassing moment at the Liberal Democrat conference, leader Nick Clegg ‘did a Miliband’ and forgot a major detail in a speech – the last four and a half years.
“The Tories have run this country into the ground since the last election”, he told delegates.
“Raising tuition fees, not funding free school dinners properly, and having a deputy prime minister more interested in power than doing the best for the country shows they can’t be trusted for another five years.
Angry Birds publishers Rovio are under fire for implementing the cruellest redundancy package since Bluebeard. The company is laying off a significant proportion of its workforce having over-hired in the belief that people would never tire of their product. Prompting critics to wonder if they’ve ever actually met people and how they’ve failed to notice that we have such short attention spans most of us can’t even be bothered to properly complete our cheese Vietnam L.S Lowry tropical fish… Continue reading
Customers also unsure whether to keep them in the fridge
A Farmer in Harold is under fire after claims his free-range eggs were actually ’round things he found in a field’.
PC Flegg confirmed she’d received a number of calls from disgruntled locals, mainly from the payphone in Dunstable A&E.
“It seems that rather than selling ova from happy hens, farmer David Evans has been boxing up small rocks, clumps of soil and the occasional dog’s egg”, explained Flegg.
“Aside from the obvious questions about hygiene and trading standards, my breakast was ruined by dipping my soldiers in an old doll’s head.”
“I’d give it five minutes. Make that ten”
Residents of the village of Harold are celebrating the introduction of an ancient bylaw forcing cat owners to open up their gardens for the general public to defecate in.
This delightful community event owes its success to many hours work by local police officer P.C Anita Flegg. It’s no free for all though, gardens must be open to the public between 9.00am and 6.30pm every second Sunday of the month, with cat owners obliged to provide tea, cake and wet wipes to all visitors.
You can’t see the crossed fingers
The Conservative Party has been propelled to the top of the opinion poll charts for the first time in three years proving that their lies, or “pledges” in political speak, delivered at this week’s conference were better than those of the Labour Party.
It seems that the Tory lie of tax cuts for all was more convincing than Labour’s promise that they were reformed liars and had learnt their lesson and would never do it again, honest. Or put it another way, David Cameron’s smarm outplayed Ed Miliband’s confusion.
Miliband wasn’t helped by missing out chunks of his speech leaving him unable to put across his full package of lies. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Can’t help but wonder if all Dave’s chums are this delightful
There once was a minister on the hunt,
For more twitter followers so he took a punt,
Thinking he was using humour like a boss,
He retweeted a load of bigoted toss,
And ended up looking a right…(continued next page)
“I hate being perfectly healthy, I have to work so much harder for attention.”
The World Health Organisation is investigating evidence that Ebola can be spread by vague platitudes and insincere sympathy posted on Facebook.
“I updated my status to ‘Feel fluey, legs ache. Blood running from my eyes’,” one Ebola sufferer told us. “I got four comments within five minutes saying ‘Awww bless. Huggz.’ now those people have Ebola too.” Continue reading
Nick Clegg has accused Theresa May of making “false and outrageous” slurs over her conference speech claim that he is a thumping great weasel who wouldn’t know a genuine political conviction if one woke him up tomorrow with croissants and an especially tender kiss. Continue reading
Colleagues of Harold Council worker Neville Brand are still reeling after he collected his 50 million pound cheque and vowed ‘the win won’t change me’.
Mr Brand, 65, is the unofficial Harold Council social club secretary, keeper of the stationary cupboard keys, and a keen sharer of tennis updates in the staff tearoom, and he said he didn’t want to let his colleagues down by quitting. “The only way I’ll leave the council is in a box” said Mr Brand on nationwide TV.
Executives at the BBC are promising the ‘best Glasto ever’ after securing the purchase of every single one of the available tickets.
While last year’s event was marred by the attendance of several mundane people and an accountant wearing a cardigan, 2015’s audience is guaranteed to only feature ‘creatives’.
Home Secretary outlines her get-tough policy for most people “Then, if I think they look a bit iffy, I grab them by the balls…”
New anti-extremist measures announced yesterday, targeting people and groups who “stay just within the law but spread poisonous hatred”, were described as draconian by some who might fall foul of legislation: Peter Hitchens, Richard Littlejohn, Melanie Phillips and Paul Dacre.
Although a future Conservative government would ban most extremist groups, hurried negotiations yesterday afternoon with Daily Mail owner Lord Rothermere mean the self-styled ‘newspaper’ will be exempt, due to its “unique contribution” to the cultural life of the country.
Thousands of users have flocked to the new way of connecting with friends and new people. Dubbed the ‘anti-facebook’, the new place is simply called ‘the pub’.
“At the moment there is a wait to get in,” one keen first time user outside the Squirrel Lickers Arms told us, “but the landlord said we would be invited in at 11am, when they open.
“I’ve heard that if your friends are at the pub at the same time as you you can see them as you talk to them, a bit like Skype or Facetime, but in HD. I think that’s why I have been warned to keep my clothes on when I’m there.”
Britain’s most notorious female serial killer, Rose West, is furious after being tricked into retweeting a photo of Margaret Thatcher.
Twitter user Simon Delaney sent West the Thatcher photo saying it was his ‘Nan’ who was a big fan of West’s ruthless work ethic and could the photo please be retweeted in her memory?
A group of fitness fans are rueing not reading the small print, after signing up for an exercise ‘bootcamp’.
While some had been prepared appear in lycra on Facebook, few were quite so ready to completely replace the British armed forces.
Bootcamps can involve incredible hardships, such as jogging in parks or doing press-ups near dog shit.
“We’d just watched a warm-up video about star jumps”, revealed Jean Evans of Harold, “and then we all did a stretch and practiced our puffing.
“But then a bald, red-faced man with a ‘tache started shouting quite mean things about Jean’s bingo wings, and made us strip down an SA80 assault rifle while pelting us with peanuts.”
Evans and her friends Glenda and Wincie can’t recall exactly what happened next, but felt they were unprepared to defend an entire village of Kurds.
“It’s freezing at night and we’ve got terrible equipment”, complained Evans. “My iPhone’s gone flat and the top on my water bottle is threaded. I signed up for ‘bums and tums’, not ‘bombs and Tornadoes’. The government keeps talking about boots on the ground, but so far they haven’t mentioned trainers.”
Defence secretary Michael Fallon has pledged to return the group to the UK, just as soon as the Iraqi army has been trained well enough to replace them. “On the plus side, I’ve lost just over three pounds so far”, declared Evans. “So I think I’ll give it another week.”
Brooks practices performing with a life-size microphone
Essex internet sensation Brooks Newmark has resigned, after reports that he is secretly a Tory MP were published in the Sunday Mirror.
Newmark was innocently pursuing his hobby of exchanging photographs of his genitalia, with what he believed to be a fellow todger enthusiast. Continue reading
George Osborne’s latest plans to woo back Tory voters with the abolition of the ‘death tax’ looks set to backfire as it comes too late for many of the delegates attending the party’s conference.
With an average age of 146, the vast majority of delegates have been deceased longer than the Chancellor has been alive.
Even the local wildlife is included. Look at that naked show-off flaunting itself.
There is a sense of quiet triumph in Harold this afternoon as villagers hail the success of their new solution to the growing problem of hacking.
“Every day some anonymous sod behind a keyboard somewhere says that they’ve hacked people’s phones or clouds and will now distribute the photos of their victims that show the most flesh,” Harold’s mayor Rufus D. Jackson explained. “So rather than waste time worrying about it we on the parish council worked out that if everyone took a naked selfie and everyone saw it then getting hacked wouldn’t be a worry and we can all get on with our lives.” Continue reading
Continuing with his mission to rid the world of all threats to the United States of America, President Obama has said he is to launch air attacks on the European Ryder Cup team.
“There is a clear threat to the US in the golf,” Obama said in a speech to the US Congress. “A red line has been crossed and now we must act now stop more American citizens being humiliated overseas.”
Filed under Culture, Sport
Cameron and IDS explain how housing policy works, to a person with little money. “Hmm, subsidies aren’t really for poor people. Are you sure you have no shares you can sell?”
David Cameron has announced that a new Tory Government would build 100,000 new houses, to be sold at 20% under market value to first time buyers under 40.
“But they must be hard working people, this will be no something-for-nothing handout for lazy or even moderately well performing people” said the man who’s had everything in life presented to him on a silver salver, Continue reading
For the last two days journalists from the Evening Harold have been deep undercover at Doncaster racecourse. Cunningly pretending to want trains painted ‘proper’ colours and to only ever eat English cheese we made it right to the heart of Ukip and managed to get our hands on a copy of Nigel Farage’s conference speech ahead of him taking to the stage at three o’clock this afternoon. Continue reading
New boy Charlton is presented with his shirt
With at least 20 players crocked or hopeless, new manager Louis Van Gaal admitted that Manchester United’s injury crisis has meant some radical rethinking prior to this weekend’s match against West Ham.
As well as the inevitable call up from retirement for stalwart Ryan Giggs, the Dutchman with the Tefal head seems to have overheated his vast brain with his latest comments at the regular Friday press conference.
“Yes, we had to recall Giggs,” he said. “Ryan is fit as he ever was, and still works at his game which he proved last night when he made a pass at my wife.” Continue reading
Following electoral turnouts of less than 15%, controversy following some of those that have taken the role, and a recent public meeting attracting just one person, the role of the Police and Crime Commissioner (PCC) had been brought into question.
However the residents of Harold have taken the lead and decided to use theirs as a traffic cone.
“Many people have asked me what he does,” PC Flegg told us. “I asked the PCC himself and after a 45 minute explanation I still have absolutely no idea.
Filed under Crime, Culture
Apple is under fire after early adopters of the new iPhone 6 have found that rubbing the phone on their genitals can render the device “sticky”, or in the worst cases, “awash with semen”.
The vulnerability, which Twitter users have already christened #wankgate, is being partly blamed on the new design of the phone, which has turned on reviewers so much they are unable to resist self-gratification with the devices.
One user, a Mr S. Fry from London, wrote in his recent review: “I hold in my hands truly the most beautiful object ever made. But when I rub my new iPhone against it, I find my device covered in bubbly man juice – that never happened while Steve Jobs was in charge.” Continue reading
The new cabin crew really doesn’t care
Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary has vowed to make his airline even more unpleasant in order to reclaim its place at the bottom of the league table for customer service.
“Apparently nPower and Scottish Power are now both slightly more heinous than we are,” a disappointed O’Leary said. “I’m not having that. Ryanair prides itself on providing the most kak experience there is.” Continue reading
Dead husband turned out to be a raisin.
A spider from Harold has been convicted of fraud, after claiming a single person’s council tax discount and a widow’s pension.
Few would have thrown the ‘false widow’ spider a second glance in the village, except arachnophobes who might have instead thrown a shoe. But beneath her hideous exterior lay a hideouser secret, and it wasn’t an incey-wincey one.
“Ms Borisina has claimed over £15,000 in benefits, since claiming she ate her husband after mating with him in 2007″, explained PC Flegg.
“But we now know he’s very much alive, having smuggled himself abroad inside the door mirror of a Polish-registered Skoda Fabia.”
The moment of realisation
Only minutes after his triumphant keynote speech, Ed Miliband was in trouble again after not realising that Labour shared auditors with troubled supermarket giant Tesco.
Intending to underline the credibility of the spending plans, the gaffe prone leader managed to strike them through by revealing that Labour had used the same accountancy firm as Tesco, who owned up to a £250 million black hole in their profit statement.
The beleaguered leader made his latest cock up during an interview with Andrew Neil.
Pop mogul Simon Cowell has rejected calls to change the voting system for the X-Factor. Under the changes, that will see voting devolved based on intellectual groups, only morons will be able to vote on issues that affect morons meaning only viewers with an IQ under 76 will be eligible to vote contestants off his show.
“This will lead to the end of the X-Factor,” Mr Cowell said worriedly, the first time those words have not been uttered in a celebratory way.
“If we are relying on those whose IQs match the contestants, then we are setting ourselves up for a lot of phones broken as they try to dial the numbers with their fists and foreheads, and not many lucrative votes.
“We had trialled a postal voting system but that failed when those morons taking part either posted their phones or stuck their eyelids together with stamps.”
David Cameron held a meeting of top Tories to discuss bringing in the intellectually devolved X-Factor voting system in at the same time as granting Scotland greater powers, a move some believe could be dangerous.
One commentator explained: “the biggest fear is that the average Tory voter fits into the IQ limit proposed. If they can vote Cameron into Number 10 just imagine what shit they could get to Christmas Number 1.”
However, unlike the English vote for English issues idea Ed Miliband has told the Labour conference he welcomed the proposals.
“I always said that even at the top of the political system I would never forget my roots,” he told delegate.
“If it wasn’t for morons voting for a moron, I wouldn’t be where I am today.”
We’re not plastic surgeons but we’re assuming four would be easier than three. You just divide and conquer, right?
Reacting to the news that a would-be reality TV star in the US is claiming to have had a third breast implanted, Katie Price has declared that she will go further than that and have two more added in order to “protect brand Katie.”
“My tits is the most famous in the world and with four there’ll be so much more to talk about,” she said. “This Jasmine Tridevil can just shut up. Three boobs, bitch please, come back when you’ve got a decent number.” Continue reading
Tony’s is a strange sort of war-face
Tony Blair, Middle East peace envoy and man with the most erroneous job title in history, has published a guide to better sex on his Tony Blair Faith Foundation website. In it he says that he has discovered that the secret to being a great lover is to be near constantly trying to start a war. “War in the desert really hots things up in the bedroom,” he writes. Continue reading
Tesco have announced they are going to call in Prof. Brian Cox to investigate the appearance of a financial black hole in their finances.
He will be asked to explain in a ‘complicated physics’ way how £250m has seemingly disappeared from its profits forecast.
Speaking of the upcoming investigation, Tesco chief executive said: “It is important we explain how this black hole has occurred, and no one can make people pretend they understand black holes like Brian Cox.
Make yourself heard
Whistleblowers still face real problems in getting their message heard in the UK’s largest whistle factories, campaigners say.
In most industries, great improvements have been made in allowing employees to expose misconduct or illegal activity, but for some reason whistle manufacturers lag well behind, according to unions.
“It’s as if our members are simply not being heard,” complained USDAW union spokesman Geoff Tooting. “It must be something to do with the nature of this industry that whistle-blowers’ attempts to raise awareness are going unnoticed.” Continue reading
The FA, the Premier League and human rights group Liberty have all agreed that Manchester United should be put down on humanitarian grounds.
The decision comes after they lost 5-3 to Leicester City, a result most commentators agreed could not have happened without a considerable amount of pain.
‘Sorry, you’re breaking up.’ Bernie resolves Hamilton/Rosberg feud mid-race
Bernie Ecclestone says prohibitions in F1 pit-to-car radio have similarities with polite dinner protocols.
“As well as politics & religion” explained the mini-mogul “we’re excluding scottish independence, sexual innuendo and your wife’s even-younger sister.” Continue reading
Wives and girlfriends are on high alert as reports emerge of an outbreak of ‘man-Ebola’ in the UK. The man-Ebola virus is so debilitating that men have lain stricken on the couch for weeks on end, unable to do anything more than watch Game of Thrones and football on telly.
It’s my country and I’ll cry if I want to ..
Alex Salmond has hailed victory in the Referendum claiming that every vote cast was actually in favour of Scottish Independence. Although the YES votes only totalled 45%, the First Minster said it was perfectly clear to him that those voting NO intended to vote against remaining in the UK, giving the SNP 100% in total.
The beleaguered SNP leader hit upon this latest strategy following David Cameron’s refusal to fight for it in the traditional Scottish way, in a dimly lit Glasgow car park.
“So far as I’m concerned, no one in their right mind would vote to remain in the United Kingdom,” he said defiantly, “so unless you’re accusing the Scottish electorate of lunacy, then it stands to reason that those who apparently voted ‘No’ must have misunderstood the ballot paper and meant ‘No” to the UK.” Continue reading
Weather presenters in the UK have welcomed the ‘no’ vote in Scotland saying they are glad they still have the whole of the UK to cover and now won’t be forced to go part-time.
“Giving the Scotland forecast takes up 25% of our working time,” the BBC’s Tomasz Schafernaker told us.
“If an hourly two minute forecast had been reduced to a minute and a half, the subsequent pro rata pay cut would have had a devastating effect on weather people.
“It would have led to mortgage arrears and us losing our houses. High streets up and down the country would have been full of forecasters pointing aimlessly at any green wall they could find.”
Mr Schafernaker went on to say that the presenters were so energised by this result they may seek a pay rise from their employers, but conceded that may only be possible with a full on invasion of France.
‘Laugh? I almost ordered my euros.’
Alex Salmond has welcomed the referendum ‘No’ vote, which vindicates his claim that Scotland would continue to use the pound as part of a currency union.
“As I said all along, we can now continue to use the currency indefinitely”, boasted the SNP leader. “But as a sign of goodwill, I’ll allow England to share it.”
In addition to winning the crucial Sterling argument, Salmond’s Scotland will also retain the right to carry on contributing to Britain’s debt.
What’s more, the NHS will continue to be poorly run in the country, a key pledge Salmond has stood by thoughout the campaign.
Depardieu claimed he drinks ‘up to 14 lorry-loads of wine every day’
Russia’s largest transport aircraft has been extensively refitted, so that Gérard Depardieu can be airlifted to the Ukraine frontline. In a daring operation that exceeded the airframe’s carrying capacity by some 26%, Depardieu was delivered intact but hungry and dangerously low on wine.
“As soon as I heard about Ukraine, I phoned my agent to see if such a trip was tax-deductable”, said the actor. “Then I had lunch, some patisseries and a small bucket of brandy. After that it was time for a money wash, a whole roast goose and a litre or so of pernod. That’s when I was struck in the back by a grappling hook, and winched aboard the plane.”
The logistics were difficult and involved several attempts at in-flight re-patéing. “The Russian airforce does not yet have the capability to store more than a tonne and a half of carefully refrigerated foie gras on a plane”, explained Depardieu.
The sweat-drenched hulk is considered a ‘heart throb’ in his ex-native France, a diagnosis that was confirmed by his team of cardiac surgeons.
Filed under News, Transport
The man who would be king (caution: potential monarchs may be up to thirty-three years older than pictured).
Today Scotland goes to the polls to decide whether or not to go it alone or to give its loveless union with England another 300 hundred years for the sake of Wales and Northern Ireland. Continue reading
Look! All theses stiffs were breathing before they died
In a major longitudinal study, first revealed rather breathlessly in the Daily Mail, researchers at Dunstable Royal Infirmary have identified breathing as a key factor linked to cancer and eventual death.
The project’s leader and Harold’s very own GP Dr Clive Evans, explained the breakthrough. “Until recently we’d focussed on dead patients, who generally weren’t breathing at all. But when we started to monitor live patients, an astonishingly high correlation with breathing suddenly emerged.”
‘Forest’, the right-to-enjoy-a-lingering-death-from-tobacco people, Continue reading
The Queen has made an astonishing attack on Scotland in a pre-recorded public broadcast only intended to be shown in the event of a ‘yes vote’ in favour of Scottish independence.
In the ten minute tirade the monarch slags off the Scots, their food, the weather and says how much she hates Balmoral Castle.
“The ungrateful people of Scotland have spoken and I am delighted that the power of the ballot box has meant that I never have to go to Scotland again,” she starts gently. “Frankly, I’ve never liked the place, the climate or the food.”
After a bitter complaint about the “god awful sound of bagpipes”, the Queen turns to her Scottish residence. Continue reading
Cheering music fans this morning
The Apple Corporation have won this year’s Mercury music prize for their new tool allowing customers to remove the U2 album which was forced into everyone’s iTunes collection.
The prestigious award is given only to individuals or groups who have made the biggest contribution to music in the last year, and eradication of the bloated sack of pretension that is Songs of Innocence certainly qualifies.
The music press has already compared the removal of the album with the release of the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper, or the birth of Beethoven or Mozart – one of the landmarks in musical history which arrive at most once in a lifetime.
“It’s like a giant turd has been cleaned from a beautiful landscape,” gushed music journalist Peter Paphides this morning. “People may say that the removal of an item is an intangible non-thing, but is the absence of ugliness not beauty? Is the removal of pain not pleasure? And more importantly, U2 really are shit.” Continue reading
You can count the argument on one finger.
David Cameron, Ed Miliband and a small boy in shorts have promised to sell England to someone ‘swarthy and well-off’ to fund Scotland’s demand for a paradise.
While some in England may oppose such a move, no-one will know for sure because they don’t have a say in the matter.
“Scotland may hate Westminster, but Westminster loves Scotland”, said Cameron. “It makes Britain bigger, which in turn makes us more important.”
Cameron revealed that England, on the other hand, has Westminster in it. “I’m afraid that lot are stuck with us, so they’ll just have to lump it.”
Ed Miliband agreed. “A referendum would be pointless, it would be like a child voting to not have a lung. The lung would still be there, whether or not the rest of the body resented it.”
Following their takeover of the computer games firm Mojang, the makers of the popular game Minecraft, Microsoft have quickly started with the branding of the game by releasing their first mod, a helpful paper clip.
“We realised as soon as we took control of Minecraft that the help section was missing a little something,” Satya Nadella, the tech giant’s chief executive said.
“So we have brought back everyone favourite little unwanted helper from the 90s. It will use it’s old slap-dash approach to figure out what you might be doing and then offer you help with something completely different. It will keep the game interesting if anything.”
“I don’t care what you do. Just keep paying for me and mine.”
In a historical first for the House of Windsor the Queen has advocated the use of intellect. Yesterday she was asked for her opinion on the independence referendum and replied: “Well, I hope people will think very carefully about the future.” She then added “but as long as Bake Off gets another series One really doesn’t give one about anything else.” Continue reading
Wide-eyed and dangerous: the Daily Mail’s leader is a fanatic known only as Paul Dacre
Vicious tabloid the Daily Mail continues to wage war against us all with its tawdry and sensational coverage of world events. Today it has chosen to show pictures of the last moments of David Haines’ life before he was murdered by Isis. Continue reading
Many whisky companies have shown that ‘two can play at that game’, and warned that if Scotland remained part of the UK they may be forced to put their prices up for customers south of the border.
So far many companies have said Scots face price hikes if they gain independence however the distilleries have said a ‘no’ vote would force them to show they could ‘act like petulant twats as well’.
Even realistic woman-shaped crutches failed to sway the jury.
Oscar Pistorius has been hailed by the Equalities Commission for smashing the last taboo for disabled people.
After sort-of-standing trial for a crime typically associated with the able bodied, Pistorius has shown the world that the disadvantaged are just as capable of evil as the next man.
“This is a huge step forward in recognising that having a disability doesn’t exclude anyone for acting like a prick”, said commissioner Margaret Long. “You don’t have to have a full complement of limbs to shoot down a loved one in cold blood, and being differently abled no longer means cynically playing the victim card will definitely get you off. It may reduce the charge, but it won’t get you off.”
Before Pistorius stepped up to the mark and pretended to shoot a burglar, homicide had been considered by many to be the preserve of ‘normal’ people. “But the physically disabled can be mentals too, you don’t need toes to fire a gun”, revealed Long.
Filed under Crime, Society
Judge Masipa, the Judge delivering her verdict in the Oscar Pistorius murder trail has stated she may take two days to sum up the case and deliver the verdict, beating the current result delivery record held by The X-Factor’s Dermot O’Leary.
O’Leary has become well-known for dragging a result out for as long as possible for effect, often carrying it over two highly lucrative advertising breaks.
He likes big bombs and he cannot lie…
In a televised address last night Barack Obama announced his Bombing for Peace plan. Revealing he means to defeat Isis and bring stability to Syria and Iraq by using the mass application of deadly violence. Over the years Obama has become ever more hawkish in his foreign policy and is now the kind of man who if you asked him if he liked bombs and drone strikes would reply “yes, I really like bombs and drone strikes” and give himself a little hug just at the mere mention of them. Continue reading
Bono: we wouldn’t piss on ourselves if he was on fire…wait, is that right?
The Samaritans and emotional support charities across the world have reported their busiest ever twelve hours following iTunes automatically placing U2’s new album, Songs of Innocence, in everyone’s music libraries.
“I’d just about got over the initial shock, and the horror of U2 stealing an album title from William Blake,” Harold’s vicar Rev. Tansy Forster said to us, “when I realised that on my iTunes it says that I purchased it. Purchased! What if someone sees? Truly these are the End of Days.” Continue reading
iPhone 6 will feature pre-shattered screen, so owners can boast of being first to break one.
Apple has announced that the new iPhone 6 will make electronic purchases easier, so owners can splash out on must-have gadgets such as the forthcoming iPhone 7.
“When we were designing the iPhone 6, we asked ourselves ‘what do our customers really want?'” revealed CEO Tim Cook. “We quickly realised that what they desire most in the world is the future iPhone 7.”
The newish iPhone 6, available in lamb and bacon flavours, is compatible with most of the tills in Apple’s stores. Pundits predict that should help boost sales when the iPhone 7 is released in October.
Contingency plans are well advanced on both sides of the border in readiness to respond to the inevitable rush of economic migrants from Scotland in the event of a “Yes” vote for independence.
With Gordon Brown’s initiative to save the Union doomed by definition of it being a Gordon Brown initiative, the Coalition Government is treating the possible invasion of hordes of insurgent Scots, once reality kicks in and they realise they have nothing to live on other than pride, porridge and potatoes, as a real threat to the Disunited Kingdom.
Realising that his, as yet unveiled, programme of ethnic cleansing may frighten off second generation Scots, Alex Salmond is said to be keen to maintain border security. Continue reading
PC Flegg claimed that several moons had been reported in the area.
Monday night’s ‘super moon’ has left a trail of descruction, culminating in damage to Harold’s village church.
The enormous moon was spotted by concerned locals as early as 6.30pm, and police were called to try and persuade it to ‘nick off’.
PC Anita Flegg attempted to move it along, and was eventually forced to deploy her taser. But it continued to loiter, and leaned heavily on the church roof. Flegg claimed the moon was ‘completely unphased’.
Despite an empassioned speech by the Reverend Tansy Forster, the moon dislodged several tiles, before bending the pointed bit with a small cock on the top.
No, not your vital signs, it’s your stock market performance
Young brain tumour patient Ashya King has arrived in Prague after flying in from Malaga.
The centre reviewed Malaga hospital documents before Ashya travelled but need to see bank statements before determining his suitability for treatment.
Mr King is due to meet doctors at the Proton Therapy Centre to discuss options. A spokesman explained that their specialist intervention is not suitable for everyone, particularly poor people Continue reading
Clarence House have announced the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their second child. Speaking about her good news Kate said: “Only another 238 to go and we can totally avoid the bedroom tax”.
Having their benefits cut for every free room in their tax-payer funded house has left the couple down to their last few million, with Prince William being forced to get a job, although to keep their benefits this may not have be declared.
Ironically, it’s the only union she didn’t try to break.
In a dramatic (and slightly gruesome) turn of events, former UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has risen from the dead to wade into the battle to save the Union.
As polls show the pro-independence campaign taking the lead for the first time, Tory chiefs have made the momentous decision to deploy their ultimate weapon: the Thatchernator.
Using the dark arts of necromancy and voodoo, which many of the upper House are experienced practitioners of, Better Together leaders claim they had ‘no choice’ but to reanimate their dead leader.
Brian Sewell has had the Tardis fitted with a library.
Brian Sewell has revealed that he’s been secretly reshooting the current series of Doctor Who, so Peter Capaldi can be dropped if Scotland votes to leave the UK.
For constitutional reasons, Scottish people will not be allowed on the BBC if Scotland becomes independent. They will join the French and the Germans on an internal list of ‘undesirables’.
But the scheduling of the eighth series of Doctor Who couldn’t have been worse for the corporation – if Scotland votes yes, Capaldi will be out before episode 6 has been aired.
“Obviously we won’t have time to film a ‘regeneration’ so we wanted to find someone else who was rude, elderly and pompous”, said the BBC’s Steven Moffat. “Brian Sewell immediately came to mind, so we drugged him and dragged him to the studio.”
“Where’s my bloody ball?”
Barack Obama’s surprise visit to Stonehenge was because he thought it was a golf course, according to reports from those present at the ancient stone circle.
“He strode out of the helicopter and asked where the first tee was” said English Heritage’s Stonehenge manager Kate Davies. “I thought he wanted a cuppa so I pointed him in the direction of the visitor centre.”
“Next thing I heard a loud bang and Obama muttering ‘bloody stones’.”
Badgers are ramping up their campaign of mass non-violent civil disobedience ahead of a new cull instigated by Defra.
“Last year’s cull was concluded to be neither effective nor humane by an independent expert panel,” Manky Kevin co-leader of Harold’s badger colony told us. “Makes the government pretty special thinkers to know that and decide the answer is to shoot at us some more. The solution to Noel Edmonds isn’t having him on TV all the time, is it? Less is more with bullets, and with beardies.” Continue reading
Big enough to carry you out into the fresh air if he has to
In a landmark ruling Harold internet addict, Steph Jacobson, has been awarded her own service dog. It is now expected that hundreds of thousands of other similarly afflicted Britons will be getting their own dog under the World Wide Woof scheme. Continue reading
“It’s not fair. The worst thing that happened to George W was a pretzel.”
Currently held captive by the Nato summit Barack Obama has spoken of his despair on being trapped in South Wales.
“I was told that people here shared our language and ideals,” he said. “But why is everything ‘tidy’ and what’s the meaning of that giant red wave on the waterfront?” Continue reading
Rivers in 1960, 1976 and 2014.
Joan Rivers has died, aged 85, 34, 21, 15, 5, and 6 months, according to which part of her body was being assessed by the duty pathologist.
Doctors treating the outspoken comedienne disclosed that although her heart and brain had given up years ago, they had managed to keep her mouth going for the past decade fed on scraps of indiscriminate material gleaned from the tabloid press.
Born early in the last millennium, Joan Cruella Rivers became more famous for her extensive plastic surgery regime than her sharp tongued wit, especially after her tongue was enhanced in the late nineties. She once quipped ‘I come under the surgeon’s knife more often than most women come under their husbands’
Citizens of countries represented at the NATO meeting in Wales have come up with a radical idea to protect themselves from the dangers of ISIS. They have requested a militarised ring of steel similar to the one protecting their leaders from a few protesters while they discuss the best way to protect their countries.
So good to be back in Scotland.
Aides close to Ed Miliband were rallying around the gaffe prone Labour leader after he surprisingly arrived in Cardiff to deliver his first major speech on the vote for Scottish independence.
Although officials tried to explain away the obvious error by saying that Miliband was in Cardiff to be available in the unlikely event that NATO leaders wanted to consult with him, the explanation seems to be that the Opposition leader was under the mistaken belief that Cardiff was in Scotland.
The situation wasn’t helped when upon arriving at Cardiff Airport, Miliband, wearing a specially made Kinnock clan tartan tie to show solidarity with the local population, asked where he could buy some Edinburgh rock as a souvenir. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Nigella will gnaw off the blue bits if Scotland votes for independence.
A village post office has finally updated its stock of gifts – out go tea towels, and in come souvenir dishwasher tablets.
Complete with a commemorative range of rinse aids and 3 kilo sacks of salt, Harold will once again rekindle holiday memories while people wash up the pots.
“Some of these tea towels have been here for nearly ten years”, admitted post mistress Nigella Bunting. “For some reason, visitors don’t want to associate our village with ball-aching drudgery. So I came up with the idea of upgrading to these 2-in-1 gel bags: they wash plates while they remind you of visiting here by accident on that day when the M1 was closed.”
Tony Blair won the GQ Philanthropist of the Year award and picked up his prize in person.
In his acceptance speech he said. “I would like to dedicate this award to the people that work with and for my organisations. I feel the pulse of progress beating a little harder.” Continue reading
White House aides have confirmed that any further response to the Isis Crisis has been postponed until the FBI, CIA and other intelligence agencies have apprehended the person responsible for the publication of nude photographs of celebrities without their permission.
“We appreciate that celebrities flaunt their flesh at any opportunity for the delight of their adoring public, but it’s an entirely different thing when this is done without permission and the celebrity is unable to receive payment,” said an official, “this threatens the entire basis of Western Civilisation, far more than the Islamic State which is miles away anyway.”