Chancellor rubbishes Labour’s ‘living wage for everyone’ plan

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Philip Hammond. It’s okay, we know you’ll have forgotten his name by the end of this sentence.

“It’s nonsense,” said badly reanimated cadaver of the male teacher who scared you the most, Philip Hammond. “At a time of austerity, asking that workers should earn enough to live on is economic suicide. And wages to buy food? Can’t they all eat cake?” the baffled multi-millionaire asked. Continue reading

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Labour MPs achieve Guinness Book of Records recognition for ‘world’s worst political coup’

guinness-recordLabour MPs who attempted to topple Jeremy Corbyn achieved a victory of sorts after the Guinness Book of Records recognised them for conducting the world’s worst political coup.

Guinness World Records spokesman Jamie Clarke said the benchmark for disastrous coups was Operation Operation Valkyrie where the plotters both failed to assassinate Adolf Hitler and got themselves all hung like cattle from piano wire. But the Corbyn coup was a worthy new record holder for its sheer sustained ineptitude and for it so spectacularly achieving the opposite result to that intended.
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Channel 4 suspicious about new BBC show ‘Bake British Great Off’

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Strangely familiar

Executives at Channel 4 have reacted with ‘suspicion’ to the announcement that the BBC is to launch a new cookery competition featuring Mary Berry, Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc.

Called the ‘Bake British Great Off’, details of the new show are being kept tightly under wraps by the BBC, but it is believed that members of the public will compete to bake cakes in a tent.

“On the face of it, this does sound rather similar to the thing we thought we’d just bought,” admitted Channel 4 boss Jay Hunt. “They have all the same people, baking cakes, in a tent. Even the name seems familiar. We may have missed a trick here.”

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Fish start singing so they can tell Noel Edmonds to “f*ck off”

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George the tortoise: “That bearded prick off the TV”

Noel Edmonds is cautiously optimistic about his new ‘motivational speaking for pets’ service after a pondful of Japanese Koi Carp sang f*ck off” at him in three-part harmony.

George, an elderly tortoise in the same garden, referred to him as “that bearded prick off TV”.

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Tony Blair to close commercial enterprises to focus on war crimes

Pretty straight to the heart

Tony Blair has reacted to criticism of his shady deals with repressive dictators and huge banks by announcing that he will close all his commercial activities and focus on the simple things he is best at – massacring hundreds of thousands of innocent people in illegal wars.

“People have asked why I, being a former leader of this country, should sell my knowledge of our secrets to a foreign power, when no other former prime minister has ever done this,” explained Blair today to journalists while leaning casually on a huge pile of money.

“And I say to these people – ‘are you from Iraq? Because if you are, I’m going to slaughter you.'”

“That usually shuts them up. I’m a pretty straight guy, you know.”

“Death, death, death, death, blood, death – that’s pretty much the agenda. I’ve started bombing aid convoys in Syria – does that work?”

When asked if he had any other plans for the future beyond mass  murder, the former prime minister was quick to elaborate.

“To be honest, I’m quite looking forward to doing Jerry Hall.”

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Black cars ‘twice as likely to be beaten up by police’

You’re nicked!

A damning report into the Metropolitan Police has found that London’s black cars are almost twice as likely to be beaten up by crazed policemen than vehicles of any other colour.

In 2015, there were 849 incidents of police brutality involving black or dark-hued automobiles, compared with 450 cases of white cars being damaged in custody.

“These figures show that the streets are just not safe for vehicles of colour,” claimed Albert Renfrew of the activist organisation “Black Cars Matter”.

“Our capital’s motorists face this sort of blatant discrimination every day. Just last week, my local police decided to smash up my own immaculate black Mini, even though it was parked next to a white Skoda with flat tyres, no MOT and a large painting of a policeman with a penis for a head on the bonnet.”

“I don’t think this is a coincidence.”

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Hard-Brexiteers haven’t finished buggering up the UK yet

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A whiff of Alan B’stard, do you think?

Deeply unattractive people, of the kind that you’d cross a busy main road to avoid, now think that Voting Leave wasn’t daft enough, and are dead-set on making the process even more bloody awful than it has to be.

Dominic Raab, who wanted another referendum if his Vote Leave side had lost, is now as keen as mustard to make the situation as shitty as possible, as soon as possible, Continue reading

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PC filmed in car attack “just trying to sell raffle tickets for Police Benevolent Fund”

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“WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A RAFFLE TICKET, SIR?”

A seemingly wanton act of criminal damage may have been an over-exuberant attempt to raise funds for PCs down on their luck.

“Some Officers have to retire early after, say, accidentally attacking a member of the public or their property.” said Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe.

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Local teacher is “uniformly disappointing”

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Life would be better if we all wore these while about our daily business (maybe not lifeboat crew members)

Clive Morris, Head Teacher at Harold Shining Future Academy and Technology Haven (formerly Harold comprehensive) has been vilified by parents for not sending pupils home for breaching the uniform policy.

Following a flood of stories in popular news publications about teaching staff removing jewellery from pupils and judging their trousers to be too tight, a group of parents gathered outside school to wait for their children to be sent out. Continue reading

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2016 refusing to rule out further bad behaviour

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Big sparkly git

An unrepentant 2016 says it may continue being an utter twat-puffin until the very last seconds of December 31st just for the hell of it.

“Am I the worst of the post-war years?” it mused. “Well maybe, although 1984 will always be in with a shout as that’s the year McCartney released the Frog Chorus.” Continue reading

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DWP blames its war on the vulnerable on being haunted by the ghost of IDS

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Ghost IDS is thorough, it even haunts the signs

The DWP has slashed funds for homeless hostels and supported housing for disabled people but claims it has no choice as their head office is haunted by an evil spirit that will only tolerate the persecution of those most in need.

“It’s chaos here and bloody terrifying,” a civil servant told us. “Ghost IDS stalks the corridors at night casting evil dust abroad. When you arrive the next morning and try to be compassionate all the computers have a bazzy and the fire alarm goes until something horrific is entered into the system.” Continue reading

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PM gives go ahead to £18bn Hinkley Point Cash generator

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‘Left a bit, right a bit … yeah, good enough’

Theresa May has finally approved a controversial scheme at Hinkley Point, to process un-spent income into fat profits for France and China.

 

“State involvement in massive infrastructure projects is never a good idea.” asserted the PM today “Unless it’s a foreign State of course, in which case everything’s fine – ‘fill yer boots’ Continue reading

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Idiots can’t cope with idea of pressing 4 instead of 1 to watch cake show

Programme Name: Great British Bake Off - TX: n/a - Episode: n/a (No. n/a) - Embargoed for publication until: 13/08/2013 - Picture Shows: Paul Hollywood, Mary Berry - (C) Love Productions - Photographer: Des Willie

Two white people, Union Flags and fattening food. There’s enough here to keep Guardian columnists fretting for weeks.

The nation is being rent asunder by howls of outrage as people try to grasp the concept of watching a TV show on another channel.

“I just can’t do it,” said local Bake Off fan Jane Hough. “Switching to four instead of one, what fresh hell is this? That’s the whole thing ruined for me now. I won’t watch at all, it’s easier.” Continue reading

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“Because I met my constituents” why Cameron really resigned

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After this Dave couldn’t bear to talk to plebs ever again. 

David Cameron has ended speculation about why he’s chosen to resign as an MP by stating it’s because he can’t cope with being in the same room as ordinary people. Continue reading

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Bono proclaims he will heal Labour

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Rejoice for He is among us

There is relief today as having heard the cries of a people suffering without an Opposition, Bono has descended and promised to fix this heaving shambles pronto, like.
“No more division. All is needed is one beautiful, humble voice. It’s time for Bono, let Him speak,” said Bono. “Guys, I feel your pain and just like Africa I will heal it.” Continue reading

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Liam Pot calls Kettles black

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“It’s bad news sir, all your gutters need changing”

An awful Pot, with no discernible personal or professional boundaries, has criticised Britain’s Kettles for preferring to play “golf on a Friday afternoon”, rather than buggering up the UK’s economic future.

The Pot had been hiding under a stone for some years, after people found out that he was a shabby, chancer of a Pot. Being shameless however, the Pot assumed that like him, people had forgotten all about his expenses-hoovering, breaches of parliamentary rules, and vewy special welationship with Wewity Wabbit. Continue reading

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Mistrial called in Titchener case after jury members found to be Archers fans

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In happier times, before a ratings boost became necessary

The Judge in the Helen Titchener trial has suspended proceedings after finding that some of the jury had been following the events leading up to the trial by listening to their lives on “Radio 4” and could not be expected to give an unbiased verdict based solely on the evidence presented in court.

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Everything to be in black and white as Tories drag country back to the forties

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We’re going to need a lot more hats

Theresa May has announced that the UK will be entirely monochrome from now on to match the government’s policies of there not being an NHS and kids getting written off at eleven if they can’t get into grammar school.

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Most parents support Grammar schools, “as long as our children get in”

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“Trust me, I went to a grammar school. Why would I lie to you?”

Parents across the country have welcomed the re-introduction of selective secondary education announced by Theresa May, providing their own kids make the grade and avoid the pit of doom that otherwise awaits.

“I’m all in favour of social mobility, as my kids will be on the up escalator.” said Dan Brooks, Harold office manager and borderline simpleton. “Is there a down escalator? Continue reading

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New Waste Disposal Site is “rubbish” say residents

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“It’s rubbish” say villagers

The improved recycling facility site in Harold, renovated at great expense to the taxpayer, has been condemned as “farcical”, “confusing” and “the product of a diseased mind”.

Renamed in honour of local refuse collecting hero Stanley Biggs, who once singlehandedly fly-tipped the whole village’s rubbish when the 1977 bin-man strike coincided with a heatwave, Biggs Plaza Continue reading

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