Is that a Yoda in your pocket? Or do you have a serious medical condition?
Disney has admitted that their Star Wars franchise may have cocked up, as it rolled out a new light saber condom.
Available in Jedi Green, or red for those who want to explore the dark side, the prophylactic is lubricated to reduce science friction.
But consumer groups have complained that the sheath is a wholly inappropriate way to get inside fans and build excitement about the franchise.
These people don’t use the drive home to catch up on farting
Research shows car-sharing is being hampered by more than a simple desire for nose-picking privacy.
Dr Rachel Guest recently published her study on male aversion to car-sharing.
To save you the bother of reading all 323 pages, we have adopted government practice by cherry-picking from ‘Appendix (ii) Respondents’ comments’ and pasting them here:
“I pretend to visit the HR department every Friday afternoon, but actually go home early at 3.30.” Continue reading
In a surprise turn of events, a dinner service from Tesco has been delivered in nearly 50 porcine rectums.
Normally, excess packaging wouldn’t warrant widespread reporting, but the porky bumhole nature of these parcels brought them to everyone’s attention.
London couple David and Samantha Cameron ordered the plates and slightly smaller plates from the low-budget supermarket, in an attempt to woo working class guests.
“When the little lorry turned up, I was quite surprised to find a side plate wrapped in a still-warm colon”, said Samantha. “But I thought to myself ‘I suppose this is what happens if you don’t order from Selfridges’, and carried on unwrapping.”
That Sun poll in full
A controversial opinion poll conducted by a bunch of wankers on behalf of the Sun ‘newspaper’ has found that one in five people in the UK are Satan.
The Sun originally asked reputed pollsters YouGov to conduct the survey, but were refused on the grounds that it was ‘bollocks’, it emerged today.
A new polling company, “Survation”, decided to embrace the novel corporate strategy of being immediately detested, and conducted the survey with slightly less rigour than the real polling companies might do.
Their survey apparently comprised a single question: “Are you Satan? Yes, or Not no.” Continue reading
In a move hardly likely to leave Jihadist terrorist squads quaking in their suicide belts, David Cameron has put the tortoise-like Sir John Chilcot in charge of the rollout of the so called rapid deployment brigades which would be equipped to react immediately to Parisian style attacks.
Although Chilcot, whose report into the ill-fated Gallipoli campaign is keenly expected any day, was believed to be comatose, his press spokesman said that Sir John would be delighted at the news and would get things underway ‘as soon as possible’, but certainly within five years once he had been able to have a nice chat with Tony Blair. Continue reading
Caliphate of Ultra Nationalist Terrorists in Syria
David Cameron is expected to table an urgent commons vote this week to decide the next name to give to the terror group, formally known as ISIL.
The terrorist organization has undergone a series of radical name changes over the last 3 years as their PR machine struggles to find a universally acceptable brand. Continue reading
August not too early to start
Muslim refugees arriving in Europe have been criticised for failing to observe the traditional November Christmas celebrations, it has emerged.
Rather than seamlessly integrating into the welcoming community, Muslim families have been aggressively neglecting to put up Christmas trees and tinsel, according to furious locals.
“I’m as tolerant as the next man,” accurately ranted resident Simon Williams from the local English village of Harold. “But when I see them coming here, making themselves at home and not even spraying any of that fake snow stuff on their window panes, I just want to kill.”
“I took a yule log round to one of them yesterday, and although he seemed quite grateful, he had the nerve to ask me wasn’t Christmas in December? I ask you, the cheek.” Continue reading
Admit it, you know one, don’t you? At least vaguely.
Ground-breaking new research has uncovered the fact that the entire population of the planet all know, at least vaguely, someone called ‘Simon Williams’, it emerged today.
The revelation, which came about as an accidental discovery while scientists were doing something else, has already been tipped for the coveted Nobel Prize for advances in the field of Simon Williams.
“It all came about by a bit of an accident,” explained one of the researchers. “My colleague Bob was telling me a joke in the lab, and I just mentioned that my mate Simon Williams would like it. He mentioned that he had a friend called Simon Williams too, but it turned out not to be the same guy.”
“That got us wondering if everyone knew someone called Simon Williams, and when we asked the other two guys at work, they both did. So 100% then. That’ll be a million quid, thanks.” Continue reading
Filed under Drugs, science
“Please, please let Harrison Ford be still cool”
Following the news that cinemas have banned a new advertisement for the Lord’s Prayer, Lucasfilm has has said it is “disappointed and bewildered” by the refusal of UK churches to screen the new Star Wars film.
Director J. J. Abrams called the decision “plain silly” and warned it could have a “chilling” effect on his pay check.
“In what is thankfully still a Star Wars-worshipping country, it seems perverse not to allow churchgoers to enjoy the movie during their spare time at the pew,” he insisted. “We’d turn the volume down a bit while the vicar was actually talking, so it wouldn’t get in the way at all.”
It had been hoped the film would be screened UK-wide in the middle of Christmas services, instead of the boring bit where they usually have kids holding candles and singing, but in a statement, the Church of England said it had a policy of not showing Star Wars movies in its places of worship.
“Not because of any risk of offending people,” a spokesperson explained, “It’s just that the last three were bollocks.”
Star Wars fans immediately condemned the decision, many pointing out that this year’s traditional all-night Easter Vigil at Westminster Abbey included a triple-header of all three Hobbit films, even though the last one was a bit crap.
Reports that this was because the Archbishop of Canterbury likes to take the robes home and play at being Gandalf could not be confirmed.
Filed under Movies, Religion
Look out ladies!
Cuts to officer numbers will severely affect the ability of undercover police to have illegal affairs with women they have befriended, senior police chiefs have told the home secretary.
“It is the worst possible timing to be cutting police numbers now, in the current climate when so many officers fancy a quick one with members of the public who do not know they are actually police,” the letter insists.
“Especially with all the other stuff going on at the moment, our officers are going to have to choose between illicit nookie and protecting the public from bad people,” it continues.
“The obvious result is that the terrorists will win.”
Filed under Crime, News, Police, Sex
Pooh – what’s that smell?
As staff at London’s Hunterian museum prepare to exhibit the skull of the original Pooh bear, other museums have begun trawling through their store rooms for similar grisly treasures.
Letwin doesn’t regret losing £3million “…as it wasn’t my own money, do you see?’
Appearing before the Commons public administration committee yesterday, an alleged minister claimed he’d spunked £3million of hard-working tax-payers’ cash down the drain because reasons. Not because he was an utter moron.
Oliver Letwin admits overruling government officials by paying £3m to Kids Company days before it collapsed but insists he doesn’t regret it “… as it wasn’t my own money, do you see?” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
“Look, there’s one now!”
Following the news that Donald Trump has suggested forcing American Muslims to wear special badges, leading Muslims have called for assholes everywhere to be made to wear ridiculous comb-over-style wigs, so they can be avoided at a distance.
Trump told reporters at his campaign bunker this morning he had originally believed that people’s skin colour could be used as a handy warning of imminent terrorism, before coming up with the excellent but uneasily-familiar idea of registration and badging.
In response, a spokesman for Muslim Action Network, a leading US charity, suggested that the real problem might be avoiding assholes, not Muslims, and pointed out that seeing as Trump is already leading the way, a laughably piss-poor hairpiece might be an excellent way to spot those a-holes a-coming. Continue reading
Twats in brown
In the face of a perceived threat to their Christian way of life, many US states have taken the brave decision to completely abandon all the principles that made the Bible a good thing in the first place.
Most states were planning to take in refugees fleeing from the conflict in Syria, but the fact that the Paris terrorists are apparently the same colour has provoked entirely-understandable panic among the fearless Americans.
The practical effect is for the entire southern USA to cancel all that stuff about Good Samaritans, charity and basically all the “Christian” bits of the New Testament.
After years of being inundated by unsolicited calls providing PPI miss-selling compensation opportunities, the world is bracing itself for a deluge of calls from opportunistic law firms offering potential riches if you are one of the lucky millions to have been bedded by Charlie Sheen.
Only a day after the actor comedian admitted his positive HIV status, the calls have started. Harold resident Nigel Thorvald grumpily answered his phone at five o’clock this morning only to hear the following pre-recorded message:
“Have you been shagged at any time by Charlie Sheen? If so, we believe you may be entitled to compensation. Please dial 967 to be put in touch with a fully trained advisor with an accent you can’t understand.” Continue reading
Ken says ‘He started it.’
Ken Livingstone, chair of Labour’s defence review, says not apologising to Kevan Jones for a mental health slur “until he apologises to me”, is an exemplar of Labour’s new direction on defence policy.
“My whole life models how the country should be run.” explained the former London Mayor and enthusiastic tax-payer.
“Rather like Jesus, Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Lineker, wearing his helmet.
In a coup for the corporation, the BBC has managed to beat off some stiff competition, and retain the rights to pocket billiards.
Despite facing the loss of football, Formula 1, rugby, cricket, MotoGP, the boat race, the Grand National, darts and snooker, pocket billiards remains firmly in Auntie’s grasp.
“They’ve asked me to do they commentary”, said Gary Lineker, while jingling some change.”It’s not my speciality, but I think I can pull it off.”
mac’s allegedly controversial cartoon
The family of former Nazi Reich Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels has announced immediate legal action against the Daily Mail newspaper, following the Mail’s cartoon comparing Middle-Eastern refugees to rats.
Goebbels’ famous propaganda movies and posters also pictured Jewish people as fleeing rodents, and according to German lawyers the Mail is guilty of blatant copyright infringement.
“It’s not that we don’t like what they’re doing,” explained a Goebbels family member at a press conference this morning in a Munich beer-hall. “We think Josef would have been right behind them, it’s more the principle.”
Daily Mail cartoonist Mac was quick to defend his cartoon, saying: “I’ve never copied anyone, it’s all blatant nasty lying bullshit – which I have to hold my hands up and admire, to be honest.”
“If I’ve been influenced in any way by Nazi propaganda, that would be purely subconsciously, an innocent result of spending many happy days surrounded by Nazi memorabilia, poring over Mein Kampf into the late hours. A bit of that stuff is bound to sink in.”
In a further twist, it emerged that representatives of current neo-Nazi parties were “closely studying” the rest of the Daily Mail’s content.
“That’s not because we’re thinking of suing or anything,” explained one fascist, “We just think it’s a bloody good read.”
Sod off, Australia. Ain’t no wombats in the European Union flag.
Europe’s leaders are coming under intense pressure to close the borders now that Australia has infiltrated the Eurovision Song Contest for the second year running.
“This is beyond a joke,” said villager and seasoned Eurovision viewer Jane Hough. “When will the Eurovision powers that be realise that the majority of people don’t support their policy of letting anyone in? Australia is not compatible with Europe and especially not with the UK. They have endless sun and great sports teams, we have endless Katie Price and oh my god what happened during the rugby world cup?” Continue reading