Police inquiry concludes that they will stop investigating very rich, well-connected men

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If only more of them were like Officer Carey Mahoney

The police investigation into charges made against Leon Brittan was “unnecessary and unjustified due to the fact he was very wealthy and knew a lot of senior politicians”, a review has concluded.
Vowing that the police would learn from their mistakes the head of the Met, Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe, said that from now on “any man of a certain age facing a certain allegation will be ignored as long as he’s got a shedload of cash and is friends with Prince Charles/was friends with Maggie.” Continue reading

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UK despairs: X Factor will last “until 2017 and beyond”

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“It will only seem like an eternity”

Ending speculation that it might be rested, ITV has delivered the crushing news that X Factor will continue until hell freezes over.

An ITV spokesman dismissed this as pure speculation and confirmed that the contract actually runs to 2017, “so it will only seem like an eternity”.

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Bowl of petunias found stranded on Norfolk beach.

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A Forensic Artist’s rendering of how the bowl of Petunias might have looked, before impact

As if dealing with stranded sperm whales wasn’t enough, bewildered Norfolk locals were today confronted with an angry looking bowl of petunias on a beach near Hunstanton.

Cockle picker Silas Thurlby found the unusual item after hearing what a long wailing noise which he describes as sounding like someone shouting “Oh no, not again” while falling from a great height.

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Not Rolf’s Animal Hospital: The dangers of getting wood

7814203Hello you animal lovers!
I’d like to talk about how dangerous it can be to get wood. Up the rec I saw a client enthusiastically waving his oversized woody about and was dismayed. I advise that we should all play with rubber when relaxing with our pets and choose our play tools carefully.  Continue reading

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Anger as French Academy bans onions, stripy jumpers and public urination

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Angry French protesters, yesterday

The French Academy, guardian of all things cultural in France, has provoked a huge wave of protests throughout the country after announcing that outrageous French stereotypes will be banned.

For hundreds of years, non-French people have struggled with the problem of when to ride on an old-fashioned bicycle festooned with onions, and when to smoke an insouciant cigarette in a pavement café discussing experimental cinema, and the Academy has decided that modernisation is unavoidable.

“For zee last few ‘undred years, we ‘ave been, ‘ow you say, reediculed by zee Eenglish for zee vary French way we do zee theengs,” explained a spokeshomme from the Academy.

“In fact, we don’t even realise we’re doing it. I was putting on a silly accent right there, just through force of habit. Buggeure.”

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MP with £400K extra earnings kept apology to 49 seconds, as he was ‘a bit strapped for time’

Cock, with a lot to smile about

A Tory MP who totally accidentally forgot to record £400K of extra-parliamentary bunce, says “It completely slipped my mind.”

Geoffrey Cox had referred himself to the Commissioner in October, as soon as the unfortunate oversight came to lighr

Look, I’m a busy QC.” he explained, patiently “It’s a very important role, which rightly takes up a huge amount of my time. I can’t be expected to remember all the petty rules of my part-time MP job. Anyway, I’m not there that much so, when I am, I have to focus on claiming expenses.”

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PM explains robbing disabled people’s Motability is being fair to the rich

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You there, do you really need those crutches?

David Cameron has stopped tens of thousands of disabled people getting Motability transport as it’s unfair to rich people like himself.

“Some of us rich people like hoovering up public funds for our own families. Others are fat but receive no help getting into our big cars and Motability savings could pay for a whole fleet of gut winches. Once they’ve been invented.”

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Jennifer Aniston to present Pot Black

It’s like you’re always stuck behind the brown…

Following the news that former Friends star Matt LeBlanc is to join the Top Gear team, the BBC has announced another coup by signing Jennifer Aniston to present late-night snooker show Pot Black.

“Jennifer is a lifelong fellow cuehead and I’m thrilled she’s joining Pot Black,” said former Embassy World Champion Steve Davis of his new on-screen colleague.

Aniston could barely contain her excitement in an interview for the snooker magazine Balls.

“As a snooker nut and a massive fan of the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield, I’m honoured and excited to be a part of this iconic show’s new chapter,” she said. “What a thrill!”

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Creationist headteacher insists world moves on giant tortoise

What’s wrong with this picture?

The Headteacher who insisted that evolution wasn’t real has given further proof of her intellectual ability by announcing that the planet Earth moves through space on the back of a giant tortoise.

Christina Blinkerson, head of a primary school in Lancashire, claimed on Twitter that evolution was just “a theory”.

Wilkinson spouted: “Evolution is not a fact. That’s why it’s called a theory! There’s more evidence that the Bible is true. I’ve read it in a book.”

As if this were not enough to disqualify her from ever being allowed to speak to schoolchildren again, she followed up by expanding on her beliefs of something she called the “Great Tortoise”, which she had read in her other book.

“It’s true!” she spluttered over social media. “A huge tortoise, carrying the Earth through the heavens! And there’s something about elephants, but I can’t remember that bit.”

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DiCaprio so wooden he could have floated easily, admits Kate Winslet

Plenty of room for a little acting talent

Kate Winslet has admitted for the first time that Leonardo DiCaprio’s character Jack did not need to die at the end of the movie Titanic.

“People have always asked me about it, and I have to admit it’s a bit of a plot hole,” explained Winslet, who played raft-hogging Rose in the blockbuster.

“To be perfectly honest, his acting was so wooden, he’d still be floating there if I hadn’t filled his pockets with bricks”, she admitted.

When asked whether there might not also have been room for DiCaprio on the floating wooden door, Winslet agreed, saying: “The door certainly had more breadth than his characterisation.”

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Cameron: “It’s a piece of paper in our time!”

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Unfortunately my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice

A jubilant David Cameron waved a hard-fought for contract in the air yesterday proclaiming “It’s a piece of paper, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!”

The PM used a visit to UK-based but German-owned firm as a metaphor for the new EU relationship he has hammered out.

“Unfortunately, my copy seems to have been written in lemon juice but I can remember it almost word for word, Continue reading

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“Most haunted house in Harold”for sale after woman left traumatised by beast “with terrible tusks, claws and teeth….”

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He’ll huff and he’ll puff … oh, hold on, that’s the other one

Harold resident Carol Mutter has put her home on the market just 6 weeks after moving in, following sightings of a “ghostly monster” in her son’s nursery.

The property, which sadly for Carol has no mysterious past, was a new build when Carol bought it. Thinking she had found the perfect home for herself and her 9 month old son, Jeremy, Carol soon became aware of a supernatural presence.

“At first I thought I was just imagining things” said Carol. “Sometimes I would be woken in the early hours of the morning by a crying noise. Other times I would leave Jeremy with his dinner, only to find it had been flung about the room when my back was turned. This one time, he even ended up with spaghetti all over his head, that really freaked me out.”

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90% of Brits think a caucus is an animal

The Binturong (Arctictis binturong), also known as the Asian Bearcat, the Palawan BearcatPalawan

Caucus?

Despite intensive coverage of the Iowa caucus it’s been revealed that most people this side of the Atlantic couldn’t give a rat’s arse about the result and fully ninety per cent think a caucus is some sort of animal.

“Caucus? Bloody hell, be careful,” local farmer Phil Evans said to us. “They can break a man’s arm you know.” Continue reading

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Chelsea ‘confident’ of recruiting a top racist in the next transfer window

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Critics say Terry’s on-field comments have become muffled

With John Terry out of contract this summer, Chelsea are keen to bring in a replacement of equal stature and reputation, to please their renowned racist fans.

Jim Davidson is already the bookies’ favourite to be the next non-playing Chelsea captain.

“I’ve been a lifelong Charlton fan” he said “but the chance of performing racist and sexist routines at the highest level again was to good to resist.”

“John Terry is a big act to follow but I’ve got the name and reputation to do so.”

“I’d have loved to have stayed at Chelsea” explained Terry “but sadly the club’s moving in a new direction and won’t even accept racist chants next season.”

“The writing was on the wall, ” he mused philosophically  “it read ‘Fck off Terry, you fcking white c*nt.”

 

 

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You can Google ‘undertakers’ too, Jeremy Hunt tells parents

This much clue

Health Secretary Jeremy “Rash” Hunt, who told parents to have a look on Google to check their children’s meningitis symptoms, has helpfully pointed out that the search engine will also provide links to a wide range of undertakers once his initial advice has been followed.

Admitting that paying for fewer doctors had unexpectedly resulted in fewer doctors to do the diagnosy stuff, Hunt drew on his years of medical experience to say: “look at photographs and say ‘my child’s rash looks like this one’.”

It was pointed out that the same parents would soon be likely to be looking at photographs of dead meningitis victims and saying: “My child’s corpse also looks like this one”, but Hunt was undeterred.

The official NHS Choices website inconveniently states that with skin rashes in children “You should always see a GP for a proper diagnosis”, but this cuts little ice with the great Hunt.

“Should the inevitable unfortunately occur,” he explained, “parents are likely to still have their browser open on Google, so checking for a local undertaker who stocks smaller size coffins should take but a moment.”

A spokesperson for the National Association of Funeral Directors said they were “very grateful, if a little freaked out” by Hunt’s statements.

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Terry Wogan to be given authentic Viking burial

A giant among men

Much-beloved broadcaster Terry Wogan, who sadly died today, will be put to rest at sea in the traditional Viking fashion, strapped to a burning longboat surrounded by flaming barrels of tar, food offerings to the Gods and a genuine Blankety-Blank Chequebook and Pen.

Wogan made his BBC debut on the Light Programme (now Radio 2) before raiding the East Coast of Scotland with a hundred crazed men, leaving the streets drenched crimson with the blood of his enemies.

He took over the breakfast show on Radio 2, and was an immediate hit. His laid-back charm and quick gentle humour made him a perfect choice to present the BBC’s coverage of the Eurovision Song Contest for many years from 1971. Highlights from this time are too many to mention, but few can forget the celebrated incident in 2001 when he slaughtered the two Danish hosts, Soren Pilmark and Natasja Crone in a fight to the death on a hill outside Brussels, stark naked save for the BBC logo daubed in woad on both buttocks.

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Google launches driverless government in UK

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No hands on the wheel!

After months of testing, tax-avoiding giant Google has launched the first fully-driverless government, in which all the difficult decisions are taken out of the hands of error-prone politicians.

For the first time, actions usually associated with running a country will instead be remotely controlled by Google, meaning a huge reduction in errors such as trying to claim unpaid corporation tax.

“Even the best politician is liable to make mistakes,” explained a Google spokesperson. “And in the worst cases, these errors can result in significant damage to our profits.”

“Now with the driverless government, all the decision making can be left to us, safe in the knowledge that we know what’s best. For us.”

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BBC score ratings hit with new fantasy The Lion, the Witch and the Chilcot Report

Tony Blair

Blimey, the White Witch has let herself go

Millions of viewers have been enchanted by the BBC’s latest costume drama spectacular this time based on a book most people have read and not one they’re pretending to have as is the case with War and Peace.

The sumptuous adaptation of C.S Lewis’ classic tale tells the story of a small boy called Sir John Chilcot who wanders into a strange land held in the grip of winter by a powerful and deluded ruler who wouldn’t know the truth if it sat on their face and wiggled. Continue reading

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Refugees crisis: UK will accept a few ‘better looking kids’

theresa-may

“We were really looking for the better-looking, Caucasian types”

The UK has agreed to accept some more refugee children but only those who are photogenic, or otherwise ‘cute’.

“Ugly kids bring more sympathy, and frankly they stand out too much.” lied Theresa May “We were really looking for the better-looking, Caucasian types, if you will, ‘paler’ and with blue eyes if possible.”

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Tyson Fury must stop saying things and focus on punching people

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I’ll stick to punching other men

Oversized misogynist  oaf, Tyson Fury, has been warned by the British Boxing Board of Control; to take his new status as role-model seriously, stop commenting on things in real life, and stick to punching seven shades of shit out of other men.

“Yes, that’s how many shades there are” confirmed a Dulux technician, rejecting Fury’s claim to have discovered an eighth.

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