Book seller to focus on book sales


Need no batteries

In a surprising move, Harold’s largest book retailer is to stop selling electrical goods and replace them with books.

James Daunt, the managing director of Musty Books, said: “We were told that paper was old hat and the future was in stuff that could be plugged in, especially from Amazon”.

“So we shifted out the paperbacks to the local Oxfam, and stocked up on microwaves, irons, kitchenaids and nutribullets Continue reading

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Baby licked by Brian Blessed ‘developed super powers’


Very advanced for her age.

A baby that was delivered and subsequently licked by Brian Blessed now possesses powers associated with the super-human actor.

The baby girl was freed from her mother after Blessed gnawed through her umbilical cord. And just 6 months later, she was sporting a full beard.

“I remember sitting under a tree, when my pregnancy began”, said mother Charlotte Twaddle. “And then moments later, Blessed was chomping at the bits.”

After Blessed licked the baby clean of the associated unpleasantness, the child crawled almost immediately, before taking to the air.
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Council spends £750k adding stone circle to town hall prayer room


Pagans welcomed the stones, which they will use for ritual purposes.

A prayer room in Harold has undergone a 350 metric tonne refit, to make it more suitable for pagans.

The 6-ft by 8-ft room now features a full-scale druidic stone circle, complete with a folding cairn, to accomodate Picts.

Nigel Thorvald welcomed the move, despite the eye-watering cost. “One shouldn’t put a price on appeasing Our Goddess”, he insisted.

Other workers have complained that the ‘impossibly cramped’ prayer room is now unsuitable for their interests. The sheer volume of beef waste has been a sticking point for some.
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Chernobyl ‘wildlife sanctuary’ revelations rule out nukes for badger cull


The sum of all fears.

The discovery that wildlife is thriving in the Chernobyl exclusion zone has caused a rethink on using Trident against badgers.

Despite badgers being linked to the spread of bovine TB, the sheer number of moths near Reactor 4 caused a brief pause in the launch countdown.

“Our experts had spotted a family of badgers on the Avon border”, revealed DEFRA minister George Eustice. “And at least one of them seemed to have a slight cough.”
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Starbucks kicking itself after incurring 5p plastic bag tax

StarbucksStarbucks executives are furious after an incautious purchase of a plastic bag resulted in the multinational making its first ever contribution to the UK Exchequer.

“5p doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a matter of principle” said Starbucks UK head Mark Fox.
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Osborne warned against yachting holidays after Maxwellising Local Government pensions


89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer has promised to bring tried-and-tested private sector pension-fiddling to the public sector.

Mr Osborne’s Conservative conference speech today was peppered with trademark off-the-cuff humorous quips and interrupted by literally seconds of applause, from up to a dozen of his audience at a time.

“I’ve found new ways to fund the British infrastructure.” he told a spellbound audience. “We’ve 89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred. Continue reading

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Idiots arguing over plastic bag tax to be charged 5p


Even a sea cucumber could understand. Now be quiet, you’re holding up the queue


Selfish morons who waste everyone’s time at supermarket checkouts arguing the toss over the plastic bag tax will be charged an extra five pence from today.

“Anyone claiming that they don’t understand must pay,” said Woodrow Gunther, owner of Harold supermarket Guntco’s. “By using a shop a customer is clearly demonstrating that they are familiar with the concept of paying for things so getting the arse over plastic bags will result in them having to pay the stupidity tax as well.” Continue reading

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Where’s our hoverboards? Scientists urged to get a shift on as Back to the Future deadline approaches


We want those trainers and that board, and we want them now

Scientists across the globe are coming under increasing pressure to deliver as October 21st 2015, aka the day Marty McFly arrived in the future, gets closer.
“It’s getting intense,” local inventor Dr Rachel Guest said. “Every time I nip down the shops people are asking me why I’m walking, why we’re all still walking, and complaining about how much time they have to waste each day tying up their shoelaces.” Continue reading

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Syrians grateful so many countries are bombing them to freedom


Free at last.

Grateful Syrians have spoken of their relief that so many friendly bombs are now blasting them towards peace.

“A few weeks ago, Assad was bombing us from the air and ISIL was shooting us on the ground”, said local resident Haja Zanubiya.

“But now it is the Russians and Americans bombing us, and the Iranians cutting us down with their bullets. It’s such a blessed relief, I’m not sure who to thank first.”

Zanubiya described how her husband, two of her children and most of the local neighbourhood were liberated yesterday by a laser-guided missile that freed a school and most of the nearby bakery.
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Elections to be replaced by new ‘people-rating’ app


Happy voters commenting on Iain Duncan Smith

MPs from all parties were in turmoil today after a surprise announcement from the UK Electoral Commission that traditional electoral ballots will be replaced by the controversial ‘people-rating’ phone app Peeple.

Instead of the whole tedious business of visiting hastily-converted schools and village halls to place their vote, British citizens will now simply assign a rating from one to five stars for each local candidate, in a similar way to placing reviews on Trip Advisor or Amazon. Votes can be accompanied by personal comments about the candidates, which will not influence the result, but should be great fun.

“You can’t stop progress,” insisted Electoral Commission Chief Executive Peter Wardle. “This will free up valuable time which the public can spend rioting or building street barricades. Although it could be a bit of a bugger for Iain Duncan Smith.”

Reaction from the UK political parties was mixed. “We see this as a great enabler of democracy, a potential game-changer in human engagement,” explained Jeremy Corbyn. “Although in spite of myself I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for Iain Duncan Smith.”

Prime Minister David Cameron was more hesitant in his approval, warning of the risk that the simplicity of phone-based voting might mean that people are unduly influenced by certain minor incidents from politicians’ pasts, which should really be forgotten and have no bearing on today, and anyway he never did it.

“Mind you,” he concluded, “At least I’m not Iain Duncan Smith.”

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith gave a short statement to reporters: “I’m fucked. But at least I’m not Katie Hopkins”

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US mass shooting at [add place]

[add photo from scene]

[add photo from scene]

A gunman has shot numerous people at a US [college / school / mall / other].

Initial reports are that [add big number] have been killed and [add even bigger number] are seriously wounded.

Little is known about the gunman at present, but media are swarming to the area and will soon interview someone who will confirm the shooter appeared [completely normal and was a credit to his parents / to be a loner who kept to himself (note: change gender in unlikely event shooter is female)].
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Jeremy Corbyn would replace Trident with Ronnie Pickering

Do you know who I am Mr Putin?

Do you know who I am Mr Putin?

Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has revealed that his plan for an alternative to the Trident nuclear deterrent is to have Ronnie Pickering offer to fight any hostile countries.

The logic behind Trident is to deter a nuclear attack on the UK because, even if normal defences were destroyed, the submarine carrying the weapon could still launch a devastating retaliatory attack. Corbyn believes this same deterrent can be achieved with the threat of Ronnie Pickering offering to step outside for a bare-knuckle fight with anybody that nuked the country. Continue reading

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North Face launches compression sack for London tenants

north face bag

Enough room to swing a vacuum-packed cat.

London’s rental crisis could be eased, by compressing tenants into tiny bags.

That’s the claim of North Face, the popular survival brand behind a new sack that allows up to 15 people to squeeze into even the smallest stairwell.

Made from a breathable fabric that leaves occupants comfortable even if they soil themselves in the night, the highly sought-after device is already sold out in most desirable postcodes.

Originally designed to make sleeping bags small so they can be carried by scouts and ramblers, engineers discovered they could compress an average-sized human by making the straps just a little thicker.
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Typing error means All Blacks will perform pre-game haiku

"What were the words again?"

“What were the words again?”

An error in the promotional materials means the All Blacks will have to perform a haiku before each of their remaining matches in the Rugby World Cup.

Cup organisers apologised for the mix-up, but said consumer protection rules meant their hands were tied – if the advertisements promised an All Blacks pre-game haiku, a pre-game haiku needed to be delivered.
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Corbyn fails to rule out Dog Tax


Corbyn holds up an invisible dachshund.

Pundits have noted that Jeremy Corbyn failed to rule out a punitive dog tax during his keynote conference speech.

A dog tax, which would unfairly hit owners of dogs, is likely to be very unpopular amongst the dog owning community.

Throughout his time as prime minister, David Cameron has never once raised the prospect of punishing those with canine assets, although it wasn’t specifically ruled out in the Tory manifesto.
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40 minute Facebook outage leaves society on brink of total collapse

This would make a great selfie

Scenes during the FB outage would have made a great selfie

A Facebook outage that lasted for forty minutes on Monday night left civilisation on the verge of a complete breakdown.

Shops were looted in the search for photos of old school friends’ dogs, and angry mobs roamed the streets as the social networking site’s estimated 1.5 billion worldwide users were left with no way of communicating to everybody they have ever met all at once. Apart from Twitter. Or Instagram. Continue reading

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Shell abandons Arctic drilling until people not looking

oil rig gone

Nothing to see here – photo released by Shell showing oil rigs all gone

The oil giant Shell has announced that its controversial drilling operations off Alaska will stop ‘until everyone has forgotten what evil bastards we are’.

Initial tests had uncovered greater than expected levels of public hatred, the company explained, and therefore the search for oil and gas in the region would be halted ‘forever, or until you all stop watching us, whichever comes first’.

A spokesman for Greenpeace expressed delight at the decision, adding that they would now shift their focus to other endangered areas of the planet, a move which Shell welcomed. Continue reading

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Mothball factory put into some kind of temporary stasis


Near-spherical insect repellers.

A global decline in the demand for mothballs has caused a local factory to be closed, but left in a state which would enable it to be reopened if future circumstances allow.

The job losses will only add to the village’s employment woes. Last month, three scrapheap workers were made redundant, and put on a list of people who would definitely never work again in the recycling industry.

“I feel as though I’ve been discarded, figuratively speaking”, said Linda Bleak. “You could say my future earning potential has been severely reduced.”
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Anti-gentrificationist’s home given makeover during break-in by hipsters


When they got home they found wind chimes in their garden

In a surprise revenge attack, hipsters broke into an anarchist’s home over the weekend, when he was out demonstrating against a cereal cafe, then filled it with John Lewis soft furnishing and fabrics.

“When we got back from the demo” sobbed one of the victims, Jeff Jones “we found some low-life had left a pair of lava lamps and an original Bang & Olufsen turntable in the living room and a fondue set in the kitchen.” Continue reading

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Moon was ‘OK’ claim tired people


I dunno, is that the moon?

People who stayed up to stare at the moon are claiming it was ‘worth it’ as they were sacked across the country.

“Has the moon been?” asked Nigel Hostage as he was woken by his manager. “No, I’m not pissed, the man on the telly said it was going to be enormous.”

Despite being the same size since records began, the moon chose last night to ruin the lives of the suggestible.  Continue reading

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