Man shunned for not agreeing that the Krays were total legends

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The Krays twins: jailed for life at 35 when it turned out that taking tea with Judy Garland and being nice to yer old mum doesn’t let you off the hook for murder

Villager Sean Pavey was shunned by his drinking buddies last night after admitting that he didn’t think the Kray twins were brilliant.

“Everyone was going on about how awesome they were, proper old school and that,” Sean, 26, a mechanic at Pavey’s Auto-Spares told us. “All my mates were saying how cool the suits were and that what they did was top bants. Then I said but they were just two blokes who killed people and hurt a load more and everyone went quiet and said I was ruining it.” Continue reading

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Dismay as Bono and Bob Geldof announce they’re releasing a song about refugees

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Worst pantomime horse ever

The refugee crisis has taken a darker turn with the announcement that Bono and Bob Geldof are going to release a song about it.

“To people with nothing I offer the thing they really need: music,” said Bono. “I represent the refugees. They haven’t asked me to represent them. It’s cheeky but I hope they’re glad I do. I’m the man who said of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown ‘they are kind of the John and Paul of the global development stage, in my opinion. But the point is, Lennon and McCartney changed my interior world – Blair and Brown can change the real world’ what further proof of my expertise on politics and humanity do you need?” Continue reading

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Astonishment as Facebook posts don’t solve refugee crisis

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“And after I’ve had a cup of tea I’m going to eradicate polio through memes.”

As the refugee crisis worsens residents of Harold are shocked that their Facebook posts on the matter are having no effect at all.

“I wrote ‘Refugees Welcome’ in nail polish on a stone then put it in the front garden and uploaded a photograph of what I’d done,” estate agent Gill Gates told us. “It got loads of likes and shares but I just looked at the news and nothing’s changed. I don’t get it. Tonight I’ll put candles around it and then photograph that, maybe that’ll make the government take action.”

“You know that picture of the drowned little boy?” said local postman, Jack Thornley. “Well, I’ve been posting it every hour for twelve hours to make people think, yeah? I’ve also signed and shared that petition to get Sir Elton John to redo ‘Candle in the Wind’ but with lyrics about the refugees. I mean you’ve got to do something, haven’t you? Can’t just sit here and watch.” Continue reading

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Network Rail offers pre-emptive apology for disruption this autumn

"We're sorry if our apology seems insincere."

“We’re sorry if our apology seems insincere.”

In a move designed to scupper rail management critics, Network Rail operations boss Mark Carne has issued a full apology in advance of the unexpected disruptions to services this coming autumn.

“A sophisticated and coordinated attack on rail lines by foliage around November can be neither foreseen nor planned for, no matter how good your intelligence,” he said.

“I want to say a sincere and personal ‘sorry’ to all those commuters stuck in the middle of nowhere, who will have paid good money for the privilege.”

“I would also like to reassure our customers that we are doing all we can to prepare for the winter, but there is no climatologist alive can be expected to predict freak conditions causing snow on such an unprecedented scale. Again, I say I’m sorry.”
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Dave wins right to show BBC weather repeats

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Here’s some weather you might have missed.

The BBC’s extensive archive of weather reports has been bought by a channel for people with head injuries.

Dave, which repeats everything from topical news quizzes to old episodes of Crimewatch, can now exclusively show the BBC’s best guesses at what the weather was like a few years ago.

Making a welcome return to our screens will be John Kettley, Michael Fish, and the one with eyes like a horse’s before he had a beard.

The move is expected to be popular with people planning last year’s holiday.
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Grammar Nazi apostrophe hoard found under Polands mountain’s

grammar train

“We’re sure its their”, claims Sibilatelin.

An armoured train packed full of apostrophes has been discovered deep inside a Polish mountain. Abandoned their by a notorious group of grammar nazis, the train is the verb of much speculation.

Spoken of in hushed tones by those in the know, a handful of languages most persistent pedant’s have cleverly decoded obscure rules, that led to the trains discovery.

“The train doesn’t just contain apostrophe’s”, summarized grammar hunter Steve Sibilatelin. “Theirs also literally talk of a stash of ellipsises, semi-colons, and the long lost Oxford Comma.”
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Waitrose introduces artisan traffic wardens

carpark waitroseWaitrose have added a level of sophistication to parking enforcement with the introduction of artisan traffic wardens.

Waitrose spokesman Clive Edmonds says its artisan traffic wardens will issue bespoke parking tickets catering both to people new to parking infringing and also to the serious connoisseur of overstaying.

“Our artisans will hand craft parking tickets in silver-rich pewter, individually forged according to a centuries-old formula, and then put them on customer’s windscreens when they are one minute late” said Edmonds.
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Can she do it? Tense crowds cheer Queen on to ‘longest reign’

queen record

Officials have roped off the Queen for the final stage of her attempt.

Crowds of fans are cheering the Queen around the clock, waiting for her to lunge over the line and set the record for Britain’s longest reign.

With just days to go, the public has joined officials from the Guinness Book of Records.  Sat on a chair with a look of grim determination on her stamp-like face, the monarch’s reign is timed at regular intervals while the crowds roar her on to the finish.

“COME ON QUEEN! YOU CAN DO IT!”, yelled a group from Harold’s WI. “DON’T FORGET YOUR TABLETS! KEEP THAT HEART PUMPING! GOWAAAAN YOUR MAJESTY, NEARLY THERE!”
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Ramsay Bolton tipped to replace Iain Duncan Smith at the DWP

At least this one's a smiler which is nice

At least this one’s a smiler, which is nice.

Following on from the release of figures showing how many people have died since being declared fit for work and the news that the UN is to investigate his welfare reforms, Iain Duncan Smith is set to resign in a matter of days and be replaced by Ramsay Bolton.

“Ramsay will be a worthy successor,” Duncan Smith said. “We have much in common as military men who share a similar outlook. Of course he’s got where he is today thanks to his incredibly wealthy landowning father whereas I’m completely different as I’d be nothing without my incredibly wealthy landowning father-in-law.” Continue reading

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Man’s ‘great night out’ claim scuppered by failure to buy 3am kebab

kebab shopA local man’s claim to have had a ‘great night out’ was scuppered after it emerged there was no photographic evidence of him waking up with a half-eaten 3am kebab on his face.

Jason Mills shared numerous photos of his night out on Facebook, from a big session at the Squirrel Licker’s Arms to a vomit-covered selfie from a Dunstable nightclub disabled toilet. But his morning after euphoria soon evaporated when his brother posted ‘where’s the kebab?’
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Thousands turned away from Corbynland

corbynland

A charming trip down memory lane.

Up to 60,000 tourists have been refused entry to the deliberately grim attraction called ‘Corbynland’.

Some had waited patiently for over 30 years to visit the theme park, which features a nationalised railway for the ladies and a free lunch area for union members only.

“I got to the turn stile, and they asked me if I’d been to a rival tourist attraction before”, said Harold’s Phil Evans.

“I told them I’d been to a model village in Chipping Norton a few years ago, but it was very unrealistic. However, they said that was enough to get me barred from Corbynland.”
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Red Squirrels to be given self-defence lessons to repel Greys

"The next person to call me Tufty gets a whack!"

“The next person to call me Tufty gets a whack!”

After enduring decades of oppression from insurgent grey squirrels, the remaining indigenous red squirrel is being encouraged to launch a fight back against its natural enemy.

Far cuter than their fatter so called North American ‘cousins’, who invited themselves to Britain half way through the last war to assist in repelling the Nazi squirrel and never left, the bushy tailed red squirrel has retreated to the remote forests of the UK dreaming of the day when they will be able to play fearlessly with their nuts in public. Continue reading

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BBC athletics news: “Usain Bolt beats some other runners”

usainboltUsain Bolt, the greatest drug-free athlete of his generation, has added a further 200m gold medal to his collection today.

The multiple medal winning maestro stormed out of the blocks from the gun. Holding off the challenge of Britain’s Zharnel Hughes, running on his left, Bolt secured yet another World Athletics Championship.

Hughes, a talented youngster who trains with Bolt, did himself proud, running a career best of 20.02 to finish fourth. Following his 20.14 when winning his semi-final it all augurs well for him at the 2016 Rio Olympics.

The final step on the podium was taken by  South African Anaso Jobodwana.

 

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Jeremy Corbyn pledges to reintroduce bathing machines

bathing machine

Like a closed shop, but before the wheels came off.

Labour hopeful Jeremy Corbyn will push women into the sea in wheeled sheds, if elected.

The surprise announcement was made by Corbyn, who has pledged to reintroduce a number of similar initiatives abandoned by history.

“From coal mines and women-only carriages, to rickets and dinosaurs, I think we can all agree that the past was a better place”, said Corbyn.

Bathing machines were used by the Victorians, so that women could swim in the sea without men being offended by their calves.

Corbyn believes that rather than condemning the practice of ankle ogling, it would be less confrontational to set women adrift.
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Face of Donald Trump seen in pig’s anus

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Anus face (artist’s impression)

Following the mysterious appearance of Donald Trump’s image in a tub of butter, Republican campaigners were celebrating today after the face of the Presidential hopeful was miraculously seen to appear in the anus of “Ronald”, a Gloucestershire Old Spot from a farm near Stroud,

“This is a sign,” enthused one Trump supporter. “To gaze deeply into a pig’s backside and see the face of Donald – that doesn’t just happen. It means something.”

Following the good news, there was an immediate spate of copycat sightings, as pig owners the world over realised that their pigs’ anuses also bore a striking resemblance to the great man. Continue reading

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Game of Thrones exclusive! Is Ned Stark back?

Sean Bean spotted in Waitrose wearing his head

Game of Trolleys

Game of Trolleys.

Game of Thrones fans have once again had their hopes raised that Ned Stark might return, and that the script writers have found a way to put his head back on.

With filming of Season Six already under way, a sharp-eyed member of the public spotted Sean Bean, at his pre-execution height.
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Cumberbatch’s Hamlet first night: Player ratings

the danish game

It was a play of two halves.

For those of you unable to make the long awaited opening night performance and unable to view it on You Tube thanks to a rather unreasonable ban on mobile filming, our Arts Correspondent Mariella Buss-Stop puts down her pint and casts her eyes over the cast’s performance at Elsinore last night.

From their hissed greeting at the appearance of old King Hamlet’s ghost to the mass weeping hysteria when the great one dies, the pubescent Cumberbitches’ in the audience made their presence felt last night at the Barbican. It could take days to mop up.

Here are my ratings for the players:            Continue reading

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‘We wouldn’t call you a drugs cheat if you weren’t a drugs cheat’ BBC tell drugs cheat Gatlin

Drugs cheat Justin Gatlin, some time after his second drugs ban

Drugs cheat Justin Gatlin, some time after his second drugs ban

After drugs cheat Justin Gatlin’s decision to boycott British media because he keeps being labelled a drugs cheat, the BBC have explained to him that he wouldn’t be referred to as a drugs cheat if he wasn’t a drugs cheat.

The drugs cheat sprinter, who has twice been banned for failing drugs tests, is unhappy that British media are focussing on his history of failing drugs tests (twice) rather than his career best 100m times, which are being achieved with the long-term benefits still in his system of the drugs that he has been banned for taking. Twice. Continue reading

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France surrenders to cross-channel swimmer

The sandcastle didn't provide enough protection, so they decided to surrenderr

The sandcastle didn’t provide enough protection, so they decided to surrender

Francois Hollande has stepped down as President with immediate effect after France surrendered unconditionally to a cross-channel swimmer.

Andrew Smith, from Basingstoke, completed the swim to raise money for charity and was stunned to be confronted by the entire French military, waving white flags, when he arrived just outside Calais. Continue reading

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Graves removed from churchyard for celebrity wedding

angry bride

None of the interred have been invited.

With just days to go before the society wedding of the year, bride-to-be Sirah Evans has demanded that all the graves are removed from the church.

During a dress rehearsal, local celebrity Sirah Evans noticed ‘some big stones with names and shit on’, and demanded to know ‘what the f**k were they thinking?’

“I explained to young Sirah that when people pass on, we intern them during a ceremony”, said Rev. Tansy Forster. “The ‘headstones’ mark their final resting place, for parishioners that can read.”
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