Another nasty case of Gerrarditis
Dear Doctor Evans, I’m a BBC sports journalist and I can’t help mentioning the amazingly loyal Liverpool superstar footballer Steven Gerrard every time I open my mouth. Am I sick? Is there any cure? BBC Cliché (The Wirral)
Dear BBC Cliché, I’m afraid you are very sick, but your condition is curable.
You are suffering from a mass form of hysteria Continue reading
Eurovision: a big glittery rainbow for the soul
Dementors in human form across the globe are getting ready to suck the joy out of Europe’s best and daftest annual contest.
“It’s Eurovision’s 60th birthday,” Harold resident and hateful swine Jean Polkinghorne told us. “So I’m making a special effort to be horribly scathing and let all the people I know who enjoy watching it that it means they have mince instead of brains and the emotional IQ of some hair gel.” Continue reading
A Harold schoolboy used his morning talk to tell his classmates that his dad was gifted, and quite possibly a genius.
Simon Atkins, 8, said he first realised his dad Alan was gifted when he got sacked from his job as an insurance assessor.
“It was clear to me that dad’s job wasn’t challenging enough for him and he was bored. As a high-functioning type he needed extra mental stimulation which is obviously why he chose to defraud the company he worked for and then burn down the premises to cover his tracks.”
Unpopular, even in his own shaving mirror.
Ed Balls has dismissed suggestions that he might return to frontline politics, given his current persona and the way he interacts with humans.
Balls, a man with a face like a bottle bank (in that you’re inclined to shove bottles in it), revealed that he’s happy to spend ‘the next month or two’ in the storage unit his wife has paid for.
“Obviously I’m brilliant”, revealed Balls, “but not everyone ‘gets’ me. For instance, the tumble dryer I’m stored with recently caught fire. In a storage unit. With no power supply. The engineer said it was suicide, which is unusual for an appliance.”
R R Martin is sitting on a cushion.
Actor Peter Dinklage has spoken out about internet rumours that he’s actually a 4ft 5in dwarf.
Dinklage, 6ft 3, plays Tyrion Lannister in popular fantasy series ‘Game of Thrones’, and thinks that’s how the misunderstanding started.
“I suppose I should be flattered really”, said the Emmy-winning star. “Some of my fans just can’t believe it when they meet me.” That so many of his followers are convinced he’s tiny in real-life too is a testament to his incredible acting ability.
Lest we forget.
Thomas Cook has at last expressed remorse over the death of two children, and the devastating effect it’s had on their profits.
Despite a £3 million payout from the hotel to try and bring them some closure, the travel agent is still trying to come to terms with a 20% drop in bookings.
“It seems incredible that in this day and age, a faulty boiler can cause such appalling sorrow”, said chief executive Peter Fankhauser.
“You’d think someone in a position of responsibility would have checked it, although I now realise that wasn’t the parents’ job. Particularly as we didn’t check they were CORGI registered.”
Filed under Business, Crime
“Better than a thousand hollow words, are two signs that bring peace” Buddha (sort of)
Defence Secretary Michael Fallon has announced that the plan to replace Trident with £100 billion of alarming death-tech has been scrapped in favour of some statues of Father Ted and Father Dougal holding signs saying “Careful now” and “Down with this sort of thing”.
“These are perfect sentiments for modern Britain,” Mr Fallon told us. “They not only represent a certain quiet firmness and unflappable calm that is British to the core, but the fact they’re Irish and we’re stealing them to use for our own purpose is a very real reflection of how we used to behave towards the entire world in times past, which’ll hopefully deter any potential invaders.” Continue reading
‘Hacker’ demonstrates how to immobilise the drinks trolley.
A 34-stone ‘hacker’ claims he gained control over an aircraft, by simply swapping seats in the cabin.
Barry Whale works as an IT consultant in a phone shop in Dunstable: his expertise is ‘hacking’ SIM cards so they can fit in an iPhone.
“It’s a job that involves moving from the front desk to the ‘customer service cabin’, so I know a fair bit about moving between seats”, said Whale.
When the tech geek got up to use the rear lavatory, he noticed that the plane noticeably pitched up.
Filed under News, Technology
Local cat, hatching a ‘stink vole’.
A sandpit that’s as popular with local cats as it is with the school children of Harold has been awarded ‘blue flag’ status.
Beach scientists sifted through the 3 metre by 2 metre site, using their toes and EC-standard flip-flops.
With a clear pass for oil spills and only one sticky penguin found, the team praised the sand for its relative freshness.
“It’s a wonderful eco system, the top inch was relatively barren, but below that, we found some furry, brown ‘stink voles’ that were flourishing” said team leader Nate Grimshaw.
An artist’s impression of Liverpool in 2019
As a tribute to Liverpool FC’s departing captain and arguably greatest ever player, Steven Gerrard, the entire city is to be demolished and rebuilt in his image.
The work will start as soon as Gerrard, the most talented footballer to ever grace the Premier League, heads to the USA to join LA Galaxy in the summer. It is expected to be completed by 2018, in time for him to return to the club and fail as a manager. Continue reading
Len McCluskey has warned the Labour party that it needs to do more to appeal to Len McCluskey, or face the withdrawal of Len McCluskey’s money.
“As a ‘worker’ in a grand office and a six-figure salary, I don’t see what the Labour party has to offer people like me any more”, said Len McCluskey.
“Why won’t they work longer hours for less money?” wonders the chillaxing multi-millionaire.
David Cameron will today pledge to destroy the world’s first universal health service and guarantee his City chums “armfuls of dosh from privatisation wherever they are and whenever they need it.”
In his first speech since beating Ed Miliband like a red-headed mule in the general election, the Prime Minister will promise that billions of pounds of tax-payers money will be thrust into fat cats hands now and “for every generation of one percenters to come.” Continue reading
‘If it was cruel, they wouldn’t let people use caravans.’
London media executives who spend their weekends in Cornwall are lamenting the decline of the fishing industry, in the pretty villages they’ve all bought holiday homes in.
But now, thanks to advances in large hutch technology, they can maintain a permanent link to the past. A few simple Cornish are being kept as pets, in spare rooms or out the back by the bins.
“They’re easy to look after, they just need some old nets to play with”, said Cornish owner Cordelia Fotheringham. “You chuck them the occasional pastie and spray them with a brine mist. Before you know it, they’re shantying away.”
The floor around the cage is littered with crusts. “They don’t eat that bit, I don’t know why”, said Fotheringham. “Mine keeps shrieking ‘the tin! the tin!’ when I poke one back in. But it didn’t come in a tin: we don’t promote convenience food.”
“You’re asking for benefits? Smithers, release the hounds.”
Fears that actor Harry Shearer’s departure from The Simpsons could mean the end of the show have been dispelled following the casting of Iain Duncan Smith as Mr Burns.
“We’re just delighted that Iain’s agreed to come on board,” said Simpson’s creator Matt Groening. “We thought we’d never be able to find someone to convey Mr Burn’s sociopathy as convincingly as Harry did but this IDS guy is even better! We had him read a scene about using the poor for fuel, and sanctioning benefits claimants who use two slices of bread to make a sandwich when one will do, and he knocked it out of the park. The script was ridiculous however he made it sound chillingly real and at the end thanked us for the great ideas. That’s your quirky British humour, right?” Continue reading
The slippery bastard didn’t even ask for any paternity tests.
People who assumed Prince Charles was some kind of Machiavellian monster have been irritated by the sheer banality of his letters.
Published under the Freedom of Information Act, the previously secret letters contain nothing more than balanced, intelligent advice.
“It’s annoyed me, I just assumed we’d dig up some dirt”, said paranoia expert Nigel Lampoon. “But it’s all ‘Thanks for supporting my kid’s charity’, ‘please give our soldiers proper equipment’, and ‘I’d quite like to save the albatross’. The inconsiderate bastard.”
Filed under Politics, Royals
Nude shoes are unusually well insulated.
Eight pairs of ‘nude’ shoes crafted from the excess skin of tubster Paul Mason are expected to break all records at a specialist vegan auction.
Suffolk-born Paul Mason was once hailed ‘the world’s fattest man’, but lost 160 kilos when his vending machine broke down. The rapid weight loss left him enveloped in loose folds of skin.
Now a leading designer has created the first vegan-friendly ‘leather’ shoes, from the excess material removed from Paul by New York surgeons.
“We managed to get two pairs of size 5s just from his left thigh”, said the creator, Brian Lichtenberg. “The leather is so soft, it’s really good quality.”
“There’s virtually no scars from where he’s scratched against barbed wire fences, although there are one or two stretch marks.”
Filed under Fashion, Health
“Wake me up when Newsnight’s over”
Sleep is the latest relaxing activity to be turned into a stressful competition, thanks to a new show on BBC 1.
‘The Great British Sleep Off’ adds napping to the list of things we used to find therapeutic, such as cooking tea, doing a bit in the garden, or knitting a scarf.
“This is brilliant news”, said Harold’s Pippa Delaney. “I used to worry that my night-times were completely wasted. But now I can use that 7 or 8 hours to show off to my neighbours. Or make them cry, which is even better.”
We Might As Well Be Strangers
Aides close to Ed Miliband have depicted him as a broken man desperately believing that his beloved Party will call him and reject his resignation as Leader following last week’s General Election.
“People don’t realise the sacrifices Ed has gone through for the cause,” said close confidant, Cath Drucker.
“The poor man is still combing nits out of his hair after that interview with Russell Brand, Continue reading
“I’d just been so … busy. Pressures of work, lots of chores to do round the house, and the kids constantly playing up. Existential stuff pretty much took a back seat” said Harold insurance assessor Alan Atkins.
“Then there was the distraction of the election, who would ultimately triumph? Those nasty Tories or those bumbling socialists? And what about Farage? Were some of his best friends really Muslim? I don’t know if there was a conclusive answer to that one.”
Sir Alan embraces his first love.
Ruthless capitalist and renowned heartless bastard Alan Sugar has just realised he shouldn’t be in the Labour party.
“I don’t really make anything these days, I just rely on my assets to generate money’, said the ex-Labour peer. “Which is why I have so much more in common with the SNP.”
Sugar is best known for surrounding himself with idiots and then firing them one-by-one: a management model much admired by UKIP.
He is one of Britain’s greenest entrepreneurs, with fewer than 5% of his products being switched on by customers, after the first twenty minutes of ownership.