Jacob Rees-Mogg keen on ‘really hard landing’ for PM in Brexit sky-diving

Or even from the tower of my stately home

Jacob Rees-Mogg remains hopeful that the UK Brexit sky-diving team will secure a no-parachute outcome. “What this country needs is to thud into the ground at 122mph. Like a sack of stone-ground organic flour dropped from the loft of a nicely restored, timber-framed, 17th Century Tithe Barn.” said Rees-Mogg.

“Or to use another analogy, say a 61 year-old woman wrapped in a duvet, accidentally falling from the roof of a five storey, Old Westminster mansion, recently bought by a man who definitely doesn’t want Continue reading

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NHS staff ‘delighted’ by news of another reorganisation

“The NHS is safe in my, oops …”

Local NHS staff have joyfully welcomed the prospect of another reorganisation.

“Fantastic news!” cried Harold GP Dr Clive Evans, who had been toying with the idea of taking early retirement. “But you can forget about that now. I can’t wait to get stuck into lots of new forms and protocols. Oh, oh, oh … and briefing seminars, where you pretend to be your favourite animal. My Salamander from the Lansley reforms is still talked of at Dunstable Continue reading

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Plane crash almost forces Royal wedding off BBC news’ top-spot

“Aww… aren’t they lovely though?”

A hundred deaths in a Havana air crash came close to nudging the Royal wedding off the top spot on BBC news today.

“There were no Meghan Markle relatives on board,” explained the BBC’s Huw Edwards from Windsor Castle “which is the frankly unusual element of the story we used to justify covering it.”

Survivors were spoken to in hospital by the BBC Cuba correspondent, Will Grant, who asked which part of the Royal wedding they’d most been looking forward to and how they felt about Continue reading

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Grayling will ‘take back control’ of East Coast Rail two years after referendum

Characteristically sincere smile

Chris Grayling says 24th June is a symbolic date to take over East Coast Rail and celebrate the anniversary of the EU referendum.

“During the referendum, we promised to start taking back control on 24th June and this is me delivering on that pledge” said Grayling adding, with characteristic sincerity, “I think you’ll agree we didn’t say which year. Or what we’d be taking control of.”

Mr Grayling has drawn on his experience as Justice Minister, where he developed the principles of selling off utilities for private profit. “The naysayers said it wouldn’t work but I’m not stupid.” he chuckled “The contracts allowed the government to bail out any contracts that ran into trouble. So it actually worked very well.”

“My work for … err with G4S and the tagging schemes taught me what I needed to know about bailing out railway companies and I can guarantee as soon as this railway thing is back into profit I’ll get those contracts out to tender again. That’s one in the eye for the EU, eh?”

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White people not sure if they’re allowed to copy the dance moves from ‘This is America’

The most easily sunburned section of the village’s population are tonight wondering if emulating Donald Glover’s moves in his new music video is okay or so not cool they might as well break into an impression of Jim Davidson doing his “hilarious” Chalky routine (younger readers don’t ask, just be grateful that this is not knowledge you possess). Continue reading

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Iain Duncan Smith: 270 breast-screening early deaths ‘chicken feed’

IDS laughs off a mere 270 early deaths as ‘chicken feed’

Former Tory party leader and well-known sociopath Iain Duncan Smith has laughed off as ‘chicken feed’ the two hundred and seventy NHS breast-screening patients whose lives may have been shortened by the incompetence of Jeremy Hunt.

“Two hundred and seventy? Over years, are you taking the piss?” chuckled IDS “When I was Head Honcho at DWP we’d hoover up that many before coffee and custard creams each morning, or I’d have my civil servants’ bollocks Continue reading

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Amber Rudd’s resigns to spend more time on her apologising

Happier times. Rudd actually holding on to her brief

Amber Rudd has resigned to focus on apologising for her performance as Home Secretary.

“Being Home Secretary and apologising for being useless at it are both full time roles.” said Rudd last night “I chose the apologising one, although to be honest I’m not very good at that, either. Sorry.”

Rudd hopes Continue reading

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Metaphysical warning over Trump Friday the 13th UK visit

Be afraid

UK citizens are being advised to stay indoors and not touch anything on Friday 13 July when President Trump visits the Kingdom.

“Bad Luck and Weird Coincidences are happening all the time,” explained super-meta-physicist Milton Keynes, “but compound that with the Friday the 13th phenomenon and a visit from a madman, then we could all be in big, big trouble.”

“My advice is, stay indoors lock everything and keep still. Above all, do not walk under any ladders or attempt to straighten the hall mirror. Or watch the news.”

Church leaders and soothsayers are urging Mrs May to Continue reading

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Amber Rudd explains her cock-ups ‘I’ve no idea what I’m doing’

Not a clue “Hope that helps.”

Mobile catastrophe Amber Rudd says the reason her ministry is such a mess is that she hasn’t got a clue how it works. “Hope that helps.” she told the House of Commons this morning.

Ms Rudd was addressing the House in order to correct an impression she may have inadvertently given a select committee yesterday i.e. that she’s on top of her ministerial brief.

“After watching TV coverage of my evidence to the committee last night, I had a bit of a panic Continue reading

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Amber Rudd confirms royal baby will be deported as immigrant family doesn’t have the right paperwork

“How will we support three children when neither of has a job?” Wonders Kate

The Home Secretary, Amber Rudd says that just as soon as the new royal baby is named he will be deported. Despite being asked repeatedly, none of the Windsor family has come up with any pay slips for over 92 years and now, it seems, Ms Rudd has had enough.

“Time and time again we’ve asked the Windsors to prove they entered the UK legally, and have been working and paying their taxes Continue reading

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Millionaire egotist crashes NHS, then lectures social media on morality

It’s    all    someone    else’s    fault

A multi-millionaire with no moral compass or sense of irony has given social media companies a damn good talking to about their social responsibilities.

Destroyer-of-worlds, Health and Social Care Secretary Jeremy Hunt, chose not to fund children’s mental health services properly, freeing him up to look elsewhere to explain the mismatch between Continue reading

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PM sorry if her Blacks Go Home policy was ‘somehow misunderstood’

‘Get out, get out, get out! How about a trade deal?

Theresa May has apologised to the heads of Caribbean countries because, for some weird reason, Home Office officials have implemented the policies of the last Home Secretary.

Mrs May was speaking at a meeting she’d been unable to squeeze into her schedule before an unfavourable Daily Mail editorial. “Let me be completely clear about this” began the PM, prompting officials to shuffle their feet and Amber Rudd to start up a dry-ice machine Continue reading

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May ‘within her rights to do a poo on Corbyn’s head’

“This long”

Mrs May told parliament today she is perfectly within her rights to take a dump on Jeremy Corbyn’s head in the interests of protecting the nation.

“I have a much better speaking voice than the Leader of the Opposition,” she told the Commons, “and I’m far more mature than him, even though he’s a bit older than me. Not only that, but I’m Prime Minister, which he is not, so I can do what I like, including doing a poo-poo on his head if I choose.” Continue reading

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After years of missed NHS standards, Jeremy Hunt is referred to parliamentary standards commissioner for not filling in a form

I’m a liar. I know it, you know it, you know that I know it. Fuck only knows how I get away with it, it’s a mystery.

Serial bungler Jeremy Hunt is finally being called to account by parliament. For his form-filling skills though, oddly enough.

Not for crashing the NHS into a wall, then backing up a hundred yards and having another go, then backing up a hundred yards and – well you probably get the picture.

“Compared to the ongoing NHS car-crash, even his marmalade work was brilliant. And that was a fucking disaster.” said a philosophical Harold woman, unlucky enough to have fallen seriously ill in March, who is still in the waiting room at Dunstable Royal Infirmary.

“I’ve bought a raffle ticket for a trolley berth and hope to get a corridor spot by the summer. Fingers crossed!”

“It’s good to know that Mr Hunt’s form-filling is coming under scrutiny though. It’s important that politicians know they can’t get away with being incompetent liars.”

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Police cuts aren’t linked to rising crime so Amber Rudd gives up her own security officers

“The less I know, the better I like it. Don’t bother me with facts.”

“I was sitting at my desk with my fingers in my ears and my eyes shut as usual, when I had an epiphany” said the Home Secretary today. “Like when I decided to have rich parents, it was a no-brainer. With no link between police numbers and crime it didn’t make sense for me to have armed officers ‘protecting me’ 24/7, so I asked Cressida Dick to move them to other duties. The Downing Street coppers are going next week and traffic police by the end of June.”

Rudd has a no-nonsense approach to work, born out of her down-with-the-kids schooling at Cheltenham Ladies’ College. Although she went on to read History at University, Rudd believes learning from the experience of others is futile. “No, I much prefer to learn from my own foolish Continue reading

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Pardew says he ‘would consider’ underperforming with another new club

What are your chances of managerial success, Alan?

Perennial managerial failure and Babel Fish in human form, Alan Pardew, believes his work with West Bromwich Albion is complete, so he’s prepared to think about sending another team plummeting into the Championship next season.

“I’ve done all that I can to ensure the Baggies go down so, with nothing left to do here it’s time I moved on to find another club looking to get into the Championship.”

“Admittedly most of those clubs will be in League One at the moment but I’ve always approached things from another perspective. My dream is to take a Premier League club all the way to League Two but very few clubs have the vision to see that through”

“I’m looking for a team, battered by their current useless manager and thus with low expectations.” said Pardew “So it’s either West Ham or, if they still remember me from the last time I was there, it’ll have to be Everton.”

“Have I been there yet?”

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Airwick launches Airwick Skunk, to give ‘calming ambience’ for pet owners

“I at first replied, when a loving flame dies, smoke gets in your eyes”

Following successful trials of its various pet-calming vapours, Airwick has launched ‘Airwick Skunk’, which provides a broadly similar, soporific effect for the pets’ owners.

“You’re my best mate, man.” insisted Harold stoner Adam Cassidy yesterday, before adding “No, really. Are these your chips, can we order a pizza?”

The calming effect of Lavender, Jasmine, Cinnamon and Rosemary are already well-established in the Mumsnet, Yoga and Pilates communities but a good toke on some serious weed has often been overlooked in recent years, not least Continue reading

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Owen Smith sacked for having idea that makes Labour electable

Owen Smith: if he was serious about Brexit he’d have something written on the side of a bus

Jeremy Corbyn last night sacked Owen Smith from the Shadow Cabinet for suggesting an idea that could win Labour votes.

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Gateshead passport printer De La Rue loses contract for ‘sounding a bit French’

Oops, wrong one. Well they all look the same, don’t they.

Comedy and Tragedy were blended together today in the Tory soup-maker to produce the finest ironic Brexit Smoothie yet.

Franco-Dutch firm Foux da fa fa et un homme qui s’appelle Lars have been awarded the contract to print the UK’s new non-EU passport, after Jacob Rees-Mogg said the existing Gateshead firm De La Rue ‘sounded a bit French’.

“The writing was on the wall,” he said. “Well, on a brass plate on the wall, anyway.”

Brexiteers’ heads have been exploding as they grapple between the desire to keep foreign hands off sovereign matters and the freedom to trade where we want. Continue reading

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Kippers throw Farage into the Thames

Following Nigel Farage’s protest about the UK government giving in to the EU by throwing fish into the Thames, the oily specimen found himself in the same boat when a dozen kippers rounded on him and dumped him in the choppy waters.

“He’s always banging on about self-determination,” said a spokesfish for the North Sea inhabitants, “but nobody’s bothered to ask us for our views.”

Totally wet and spineless, Nigel Farage is famous for having attended only one of over forty EU Fisheries Committee meetings as an MEP. Continue reading

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