Casting aside his opponent’s offer of a role as party president, Mr Corbyn has told Owen Smith that when, sorry if, he is re-elected as party leader, his erstwhile challenger will be given a new honourary position of his own; that of dominated rubber clad party bitch. Continue reading
Following the appointment of Sam Allardyce as England manager both Pukka Pies and Bisto have swiftly agreed sponsorship deals with the FA.
Leicestershire based Pukka Pies will give free pies to the England squad as part of the deal, on the condition that Allardyce is regularly seen on the touchline with a pie in his hand. This is not expected to be a stumbling block, with chicken and mushroom scheduled for the first half of matches, followed by steak and kidney for the second. Continue reading
“£4.5Million? Great value” says Blair as 180,000 new members mysteriously sign up from same IP address
A giggly Tony Blair was seen yesterday, waving his credit card in the air and shouting “Let’s see you match that, Corbyn!” as security staff tried to ease him back into his home.
The former PM explained that he got the idea of multiple membership from Tories who signed up for £3 last year and voted for Jeremy Corbyn.
“Cherie and I hit the phones on Tuesday morning. We started at Adam Aardvark and reached Zebedee Zidane by Wednesday lunch. Continue reading
A local man who thinks the winds, waves, and ultimately the varying temperature of the sun are personally out to spite him, has “had enough of it.”
Daytime temperatures in Harold have soared to 26℃ and Adam Cassidy believes it’s time to take a stand.
“I like it hot as much as anybody else, but this is too hot.” complained Cassidy, a part-time conspiracy theorist, who confirmed that a steady 22.4℃ with a light south westerly breeze would be perfect. “But not too much of a breeze, otherwise it makes the blinds rattle when I open the windows.”.
Theresa May will tell the House of Commons later on today why it is essential for the UK to spend billions upon billions on a missile system that we’re not allowed to use without the US saying we can even though they’ve got lots of missiles of their own and in the event of nuclear war will hog all the blowy-uppy action for themselves in order to make America, F*** Yeah! action films about it later. Continue reading
The pair were said to be exhausted after 6 years of coming up with ever more outlandish reasons why the poor had to bear the brunt of austerity, and pleased to now have the more relaxing job of rolling around in a pile of daddy’s money.
Theresa May says she is “willing to listen to options” on Scotland’s relationship with the EU as long as Nicola Sturgeon understands she won’t actually be changing her mind.
Indeed, so as to avoid any misunderstanding, the Prime Minister made Sturgeon tick a box yesterday, agreeing to May’s terms and conditions, before she’d let discussions begin.
As the world continues its headlong rush towards the pit labelled ‘unceasing bobbins’ people are consoling themselves with the fact that something nice is surely going to occur at some point. Maybe. P’raps. Yeah?
“I reckon it’s like roulette,” local councillor Nina O’Neill told us. “After lots of red, you’re due a black and up it always comes. That isn’t how numbers and physical objects work? Oh, we’re buggered then.” Continue reading
School staff are overjoyed to have a new Education Secretary, after the old one hung around for almost two whole years.
“Don’t get me wrong” said Harold teaching assistant Carly Jeffery “Nicky Morgan was great at first. But she sort-of ran out of steam. We’d sometimes go weeks without a new plan to combat left-wing teacher-training of the 1970’s.”
Ms Jeffery hopes new Education Secretary, Justine Greening will have plenty of new ideas Continue reading
Ex-Chancellor and future warning from history George Osborne has spoken of his delight at being sacked by Theresa May and dumped on the backbenches like an unwanted puppy on a country road. Continue reading
Are Blairites (or is that Blairongs?) worried that a Corbyn victory could lead to the end of banker and defence contractor junkets, and consign them to years in the wilderness where a Murdoch party invitation and an oil war are both pipe dreams?
A future SO terrible they’d have to pay for their own drinks?
A deliriously joyful nation has taken to the streets this morning to praise its new Prime Minister. A packed program of events sees celebrations taking place all over the country as Brits chuckle themselves to the point of orgasm over the ascension of another unelected leader who has consistently voted in favour of military intervention abroad and increased powers for the security services to monitor people’s activities at home. Continue reading
Grobbelaar, who lives in Harold’s Shippam’s Estate, said he didn’t want to knock people who had less than 100 children, but he felt constantly fathering children gave him an unmmatched stake in the future of the country.
UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.
In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.
“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”
“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading
Julie Kettle, a shopkeeper from Harold, says people are constantly saying ‘oh, you’re a vegan’ and it gets a bit boring having to reply ‘yes I am, and I don’t even think about succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin flavoured with smoked paprika and mustard’.
Mass shooting are technically defined as four or more people, which means the popular pastime could be off-limits inside a week.
A shock poll has revealed that most people have forgotten who the windy sack of bobbins pictured on the left is. While his wide red face does ring a vague bell few are able to commit and state precisely why they know him.
“Something to do with livestock?” guessed local farmer, Phil Evans. “I remember having to put a no entry sign on the pigsties but I’m buggered if I know why.” Continue reading
Harold shop owner Julie Kettle says she regrets not being informed enough about the EU referendum, so she’s really done her homework this time.
“Just a glance at the Chilcot report shows just how unsuited Corbyn is to lead the country into a Middle Eastern war” said foreign dictator consultant Blair.
“The report rightly praised me for taking the most flimsy intelligence in a dossier and misrepresenting it so well that people were convinced Saddam could make a nuclear bomb from sand. Can you imagine Corbyn doing that if he’d been PM? He’s so naive he’d have just told the British public there was no immediate threat which would make it very hard to have a decent war.”
Human embodiment of the abyss staring back at you, Tony Blair, has gone to Sir John Chilcot’s remote manor house along with Alastair Campbell, Clare Short, General Sir Michael Jackson, and other former senior politicians and military figures to find out which if them is guilty of mass-murder most foul.
After a long dinner expected to be interrupted only by the revelation that two of the guests are long-lost siblings and then a power cut during which gun fire will be heard everyone will gather in the billiard room to hear Sir John Chilcot’s verdict. Continue reading