“At least I’ve more hair than my Dad”
There was shock and disappointment amongst Royal well-wishers when it emerged that the hundreds of thousands birthday cards sent to Prince George are never actually seen by the Royals.
Caught off guard after an afternoon stocktaking in the Royal cellars, a loose tongued flunky revealed a number of secrets from the Royal household to our undercover Evening Harold reporter.
“Those well-meaning morons think their cards are personally opened by William and Kate in with baby George chewing the envelopes and gurgling with delight,” he told us. Continue reading
Ex-BNP leader Nick Griffin: if only all unspeakable gits were this easy to spot
Despite it being one of their favourite sayings the BNP have proved that they don’t all look the same by voting in a new leader who doesn’t look like the villain in the most rubbish pantomime ever. Continue reading
The 2014 Tour de France is apparently still going on, despite all the riders having left England two weeks ago.
This year’s race began in Leeds on July 5th and the move to Britain proved a great success, with an estimated 2.5 million spectators lining the route over the opening weekend in order to look at the foreigners in funny clothes. After covering over two hundred miles around Yorkshire the competitors headed for London, before crossing to France the following day, at which point everybody lost interest. Continue reading
“Moi, out of touch?”
Gaffe prone Labour leader Ed Miliband has done it again by demanding that Russia are expelled from the Commonwealth Games as a reprisal for the shooting down of flight MH17, apparently ignorant of the fact that Russian aren’t a member of the Commonwealth.
Speaking off the cuff at a Labour fundraising event, Miliband seized the opportunity to demonstrate his grip on foreign policy when a supporter mentioned the anguish of the bereaved still awaiting the return of loved ones
“It is time for tough action,” said the doomed leader firmly. “If David Cameron were a real statesman, he’d immediately expel Russia from the Commonwealth Games,” adding, “in fact it’s amazing that this hasn’t been done this already.” Continue reading
George inflicted almost as much damage as a 1960s architect.
A rampant future king of England has destroyed 85% of Hitchin, after the town was given to him as a birthday present.
No sooner had George, 12 months, been given the freedom of the city, than he began his destructive first steps through the shopping centre.
“Obviously we’re delighted that the royals took the time to visit”, said Hitchin’s half-crushed mayor, Derek Hopper. “But they could have warned us that their first-born had been gaining weight and height quite so…healthily.”
“Part of me wishes they’d blessed Luton with their presence instead.”
After an eight year study costing £3m, scientists in Harold say they have discovered the fundamental physics behind the forces that attract a suited man’s hands straight into his pocket.
Looking into the phenomenon, lead researcher Henry Slater said: “The forces that act on men’s hands seem to be totally indiscriminate affecting everyone from Prince Charles at the state opening of parliament in Westminster through to Barry from the pub opening a bottle of Carlsberg at his best mate’s wedding.
“Put a jacket on him and his hand will go through the arm, out of the sleeve, straight into a trouser pocket.
Filed under Fashion, Society
A PC version of the game is unavailable.
A new computer game that allows players to re-enact Israel’s invasion of the Gaza Strip is far too easy, according to critics.
“I had a rocket launcher, three machine guns and a 23 tonne bulldozer in my inventory, and all the game put up against me was an orphan in a shack with a food bowl. Frankly, I thought it was a bit shit”, said gamer Ariel Chutzpah.
“I started to feel a bit sorry for her, but then I remembered to activate my ‘Call from God’. It was a piece of piss to deal with her then.”
Chutzpah thinks that the game is just too one-sided, and made him feel bad about killing dozens of innocents. He wants to see a patch released that would give Palestinians a chance, or at least dehumanise them a bit more.
Filed under Politics, War
These people have never paid less than £4 for a cup of coffee in their lives.
The process of making every community in the UK full of cupcake shops and boutique coffee places but nowhere you can buy batteries or pants has ground to a halt due to a shortage of hipsters.
Harold hipster couple Oofy and Lysander Eastof say they are sad that they won’t be joined in the village by more people like them. Continue reading
Filed under Lifestyle, News
Conference location a bit too grand for the likes of some.
Rising chimney prices was top of the agenda at the Seagull Union’s Annual Conference in Scarborough this week.
Delegates complained about the cramped conditions many of their members endure, living in over-crowded squalor in crannies in the cliffs.
“I blame the government for failing to stimulate the chimney-building sector,” said one delegate, while other more radical gulls blamed the EU for restrictive anti-greenhouse gas policies.
Conference concluded that, whatever the root cause, the lack of affordable housing was due to a shortage of new chimneys, and passed a motion in favour of re-nationalising the coal industry.
Labour leader Ed Miliband has announced his plans to re-nationalise parts of the rail network’s buffet cars. In an attempt to bring some price controls into the market he has said any government run buffet cars would have a price cap on egg mayo sandwiches.
“We need to put to an end the unreliable service that sees passengers paying over the odds for a cup of scalding hot instant coffee that ends up of the train floor and the passenger’s lap,” Miliband said.
“We need to bring the standard of train food to the same level as other government run institutions such as the NHS and Schools, but it’s not all bad news.
Filed under News, Politics
Beaches displaying the new flag may be heavily pot-marked.
Britain’s coastguard has introduced a new warning flag, to alert holiday-makers to the risk of beach fatties.
Resplendent in two colours of sunburn and a symbol representing an ‘inny’ belly button, the flag draws attention to the chance of big bathers.
“There are many dangers along our coast, and we’ve got a number of flags to highlight them”, said warden Helen Evans. “But until now, there’s been nothing to prepare you for the vision of a fat lad wearing Speedos on a li-lo.”
Sewing club has moved to a new venue.
A pub in Harold has banned customers from starting their sentences with the word ‘so’, in a crack-down on pseudo-scientific intellectualism.
On the bar of the Squirrel Lickers Arms a ‘So’ box now stands, replacing the well-rattled swears jar. And it’s already beginning to fill up, according to Eddie the landlord. He explained how he got the idea.
“So I noti…b****cks”, said Eddie, flipping a coin into the container. “I noticed a lot of people in here think they can sound all knowledgeable and reasonable, just by adding the offending word to the beginning of any old shite”, he explained.
“So I took the…oh for f***s sake…(*chink*)…I took the initiative and decided to fine people for their cod GCSE chemistry report cock-whiskery. I won’t have people in here turning the air litmus blue.”
An Indian weightlifter checks out the facilities
An outbreak of norovirus at the Commonwealth Games Athletes Village has been welcomed by British sprinters keen to get in a little extra practice before the start of the extravaganza.
According to England’s top 100 metre specialist Kyra Dongle, ranked 867th in the world, athletes should grasp every opportunity to get in some extra training. “You have to remain positive,” she said from behind a locked toilet door. “The rushes to the bathroom are definitely sharpening my sprint starts.” Continue reading
Hole now shows up on Google Maps.
A massive crater in the countryside on the outskirts of Harold has mysteriously disappeared overnight.
‘Old Gapey’, a colossal cavern that has swallowed nearly 2% of villagers’ pets, went without a trace during the small hours of the morning.
“I were out walking my dog, an old one what we don’t want any more, and I couldn’t believe my eyes at what wasn’t there right before me”, explained Jeth Evans, who first discovered the hole was missing.
“My wife was horrified when I returned what with Tyson still being there faithfully by my side and all. Not even a limp lead or nothing, it was eerie.”
At least Banjo here has fun with his futile gesture
There is a growing suspicion this morning that endlessly bombing each other may not be a road to lasting peace in Israel and Palestine.
“I’m no expert,’ said Harold pensioner Joan Hambleton. “But the situation out there makes Westeros look like Moominland.” Continue reading
Anyone fancy a duck?
A sharp decline in the number of cygnets born in Harold has been blamed on the pornification of swans.
With hardcore swan-on-swan action now widespread on the internet, many younger cobs are no longer satisfied with straight reproductive sex.
Wildlife expert Winston Harris made this claim as his computer was seized by police, a computer he insists is full of research for a book.
“Adolescent boy swans just see young pens as sex objects, something to hiss at for their own gratification”, said Harris. “And it’s not surprising, given that massive waterfowl are as sexy as hell. You should see the one in 50 Shades of Greylag.”
‘To me, beans means Heinz Wolff’ – Stephen Hawking
Trading Standards were left red-faced today after a case they brought against a local eatery was thrown out by a magistrate.
The case was brought against Pippa Delaney, owner of Harold vegetarian restaurant Veggie! Veggie! Veggie!, under the Foods Description Act.
However, the magistrate said there was no case to answer after a top mathematician vouched for the accuracy of the restaurant’s labelling.
Or maybe re-brand it as a submarine?
Disappointed salvage workers say the wrecked former-radical political party, the good ship ‘Liberal Democrats’, remains firmly glued to the sea-bed, on which it’s been resting for four years.
The enormous sunken turd – target of one of the biggest political salvage operations in history – is only just registering a pulse in the opinion polls.
Senior LibDems still believe that re-shuffling the deckchairs and the bags of wind already on board Continue reading
Appointed on merit? The new Secretary of State for Defence
David Cameron has denied that his promoting a few women and badgers to the Cabinet in today’s reshuffle smacks of desperation.
“I am not cynically trying to increase my party’s voter appeal ahead of the general election,” he said. “And in no way did I see that lots of people seem to really like badgers if all those petitions I keep getting are any indication, and so thought that employing one or two would appease the plebs.”
Cheryl Cole has taken to her website to reveal details of her secret publicity stunt. The stunt took place 7 days ago, but the lack of mainstream coverage forced her to reveal the details herself to “stop the constant speculation about [her] private life, should that constant speculation that isn’t happening, happen”.
In an interview with herself she explained: “I know what it is like being in the limelight, even if it’s been a while since I was. If I’m honest, when Jean-Bernard and I decided we were going to have a publicity stunt we were hoping our special day would caught on camera by the paparazzi.
He was just supposed to sell yoghurt
Local ad-woman Meya Begum has admitted that her agency created the character Boris Johnson simply to sell yoghurt.
“Boris was supposed to appeal to kids, very much in the same vein as the Honey Monster,” she explained. “But it got really out of hand. Sorry.” Continue reading
Or maybe not
A committee of MPs has published a report today that suggests Vince Cable sold his soul too cheaply.
They have said Mr Cable, along with other Liberal Democrats, panicked, selling their souls, morals and ethics for the measly price of an unwinnable AV referendum all to secure a quick coalition.
Mr Cable’s soul and morals were originally valued at free tuition fees and a £2m mansion tax, however he sold them off for a promise of a public vote and a bit of power.
Filed under News, Politics
Tragically Ed has no ability to speak up.
Fears are growing for the safety of Ed Miliband. In a week where a million people went on strike and the government legally banned privacy, the Leader of the Opposition’s continued silence has led to him being reported missing.
Prime minister David Cameron has held a news conference to explain the extra powers given to government to check phone and email records were originally suggested by former News Of The World editor, Tory advisor and now tenant of Her Majesty Andy Coulson.
Speaking to a packed room, Cameron said: “Andy told me some of the gossip available from people’s personal phone records. It’s that kind of knowledge that allowed me to convince Nick Clegg to renege on all his election promises.
“But for the sake of national security it will also be used for serious issues relating to terrorism. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi is unlikely to try and bring Isis to the UK when we release his pathetically low Angry Birds score.”
Speaking from his cell, Coulson said he is glad his skills and ideas are finally being realised. “My background at the News Of The World allowed me to spend my time inside Downing Street training MI5 to get the personal details they needed from a phone. They are also now fully trained in sleeping with their boss without being caught, but I’ll admit that won’t help the war in terror.
“Hopefully they will now use some of my other ideas such as a sports section at the end of Prime Minister’s Questions and empowering women by making the Queen topless on the new £5 note.”
Don’t be fooled by appearances, even happy camel girl has something to hide
Research has shown that you are the only person in the UK not involved in at least one cover-up for various offences.
With the media dominated by stories of suspicious City deals, NHS scandals, and, sadly, crimes of a much darker nature all being hushed up, it turns out that only you are not involved in any way. Continue reading
Stop wanting a better quality of life, you lot. It’s upsetting Dave
A million public sector workers are set to strike today however David Cameron has called this action selfish and damaging.
“It’s not fair,” the Prime Minister said. “The truth is that there are a small group of people and they tend to be ideologically motivated and they are opposed to what me and my much smaller group of deeply ideologically motivated chums are doing.” Continue reading
Brazilian net ‘like a black hole’
A massive super-fissure in the fabric of the universe was most likely caused by Brazil’s unprecedented thrashing by Germany, claim scientists at Jodrell Bank.
“The devastating effect of Brazil’s defeat should not be understated,” said Professor Brian Cox. “It almost destroyed the universe.”
The giant crack was first observed Tuesday evening and opened up wide enough to give astrophysicists an unparalleled view of a parallel universe.
“We sat awhile watching an alternative reality fixture between Brazil and Germany,” continued Cox. “The first 80 minutes were much the same as in our own universe, with Germany holding a 7-goal lead over the opposition. But matters took a different turn when the managers made their substitutions.”
More donations and votes? You do surprise me
On the first day of his visit to India, George Osborne has announced match-fixers in the sub-continent will soon be eligible for loans backed by the UK government.
“Gambling is one of the UK’s great success stories.” brayed the man born into a wealthy family with an hereditary peerage app; a roll-over winner in the lottery of life “So we’re opening up that market to friends in India, who have friends in the UK with donations to make and votes to sell.” Continue reading
Currently on the run: may be delusional.
England coach Roy Hodgson has come out of hiding to give his astonishing opinion on Germany’s 7-1 destruction of Brazil in last night in the World Cup semi-final.
Wearing dark sunglasses and a dazed expression which could have been down to too many Piña Coladas, sunstroke or simply age, the man who lead England to elimination after only two games maintained that his England team could easily have beaten Germany to secure a place in the World Cup final. Continue reading
Plan has been condemned by the Sporran Office.
Alex Salmond has revealed plans to use miles of unwanted ‘Commonwealth Games Tartan’ to build a defensive curtain around Scotland’s nether regions.
“When we gain independence, naturally we’ll want to strictly limit the number of our neighbours we let in”, roared Salmond. “And what better way to do that, than a wall of plaid from coast to coast?”
Salmond quickly dismissed suggestions that invaders might simply crawl underneath. “No Englishman would dare lift a tartan hem, for fear of what lies beneath”, he insisted.
Couple said to be comfortable, but fearful for their bank details.
A couple from Harold are still being held in a furniture warehouse, after negotiations for free scatter cushions collapsed.
Beryl and Joseph Blythe were taken by a sales representative, after mistaking the Dunstable branch of DFS for a safe Habitat.
“As soon as we saw the ‘sale’ signs, I knew we were in trouble”, said Joseph Blythe, through a line set up by police. “We should have run, but Beryl had been lulled into a false state of chaise longueing.”
A record number of iPhones have been seized and destroyed at airport security since passengers have been asked to prove the batteries work.
“We are finding a lot of them aren’t able to turn on. The users trying to board with the device are making up a number of excuses,” a security guard at Luton Airport told us.
“We have had some claiming they drained the batteries checking Facebook twice, and others saying the batteries died as they kept checking the time to see how far into the six-hour delay they were.”
Reckless maniac didn’t even have a bell.
PC Anita Flegg has been hailed a hero in Harold today following the dramatic arrest of a crazy cyclist who could have caused mayhem on the roads around Harold.
The speeding cyclist was spotted by eagle-eyed PC Flegg during a routine check of local cycle paths.
“He was travelling at an astonishing speed along the main road,” said PC Flegg, “and drinking from a bottle which he threw at me as he passed.”
A sickening monster, and Rolf Harris (also a sickening monster).
Disgraced keyboard ‘The Stylophone’ could face further charges, after it was convicted this week of historic music offences.
With its clean-cut styling and friendly vibrato control, few suspected the racket it was capable of.
“I always trusted Stylophone, even though the older kids said keyboards sometimes dabbled in prog rock”, said Harold resident Dave Evans.
Unacceptable face of Brits abroad
Alcohol-fuelled British antics have reached a new low after an elderly monarch shocked the nation by publicly performing the whisky-assisted naming of an aircraft carrier, merely to earn a tax-free Sovereign Grant of £36.1 million.
The woman, who has not yet been named, is believed to be an 88-year-old Queen from Britain.
Video of the sordid two-minute “launching” in the Scottish resort of Rosyth has sparked outrage on the internet and among politicians.
Wearing pale blue, the monarch moved from one local dignitary to the next to the cheers of revellers, before tossing a litre of Scotch expertly onto the prow of a boat.
One of the men involved said everyone in the celebration was “delighted”. The reveller, named only as Philip, 93, said: “It was a ceremony that got completely out of hand. The woman was being encouraged to shake hands more and more, and was told it would be a great honour if she would take part. I feel sorry for her, she must feel awful this morning.”
“May God bless her and all who sail in her,” he added.
A butcher in Leeds has released a high perfomance blood sausage to celebrate the Tour de France coming to Yorkshire.
On the outside, the pud looks like any other in his shop, but it contains around 15% more blood.
“Using a technique I developed after reading Lance Armstrong’s book, I extracted a good sized cupful of blood from each of these beauties”, explained Derek Arkwright.
“This I stored in a secret fridge away from council inspectors, while the puddings recuperated behind the sneeze guard. To see them nestling there, next to the strips of decorative fake grass…you’d never know they were destined for greatness.”
Ed Miliband has become the latest high-profile member of the Labour Party to refuse to back its leader, Ed Miliband.
“People want a leader they can trust to make the big decisions and be decisive in their implementation,” Mr Miliband wrote on twitter, on the understanding his followers would keep it a secret.
“I struggle to chose what tie to wear for the day. That’s why I have a tie advisor and carry spares in my pocket in case I change my mind.
Filed under News, Politics
Radicalised youngsters unable to resist temptation
A local parish church has been slammed for a ‘blatant attack’ on Islam after deciding to hold their annual fete during the month of Ramadan.
Professor Luke Thorne, chair of the Easily Offended on Behalf of Others Society said “I was astounded when I was told Harold parish church was holding their fete, complete with a barbeque and cake stall, during a period of religious observance when the consumption of food is not permitted during the hours of daylight.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Religion
If only they could meet in the middle.
Glasgow could tackle its current health crisis by dropping an ‘either/or’ approach to heroin and yellow food that comes from the chip shop.
That’s the claim of a dietician who is trying to find out why so many Glaswegians are morbidly obese, despite the widespread availability of skag.
“I visited the morgue and was quietly poking a fat corpse when someone told me that the city was awash with diacetylmorphine”, said Dr Charlotte Bainbrough.
“At first I thought ‘Does that mean heroin is fattening?’ but then remembered it probably wasn’t. Could the problem be a lack of dietary balance?”
The Chancellor enjoying a good laugh
George Osborne’s attendance at the first of the Monty Python live shows has had an unforeseen consequence.
“I didn’t find the show funny at all,” the Chancellor said. “I don’t like men dressing up as women and talking in stupid voices. I like funny ladies like Mrs Brown. However I did find the contents inspiring.” Continue reading
Mmm, politics can be so delicious
First there was strawmurrays, a harmless renaming of strawberries as a gesture of support for Andy Murray during Wimbledon. Now, Tesco has made a controversial attempt to jump on the being twee with food names bandwagon by renaming its fresh and smoked salmon, Alex Salmond. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
The breakthrough could one day answer the question: ‘why do cats have a back?’
A Harold scientist has been hailed a hero after developing an adhesive that can bond two cats together.
After years of experimenting with dozens of tacky tabbies, Rachel Guest finally made the breakthrough that enabled two felines to be combined into one octo-puss.
Guest explained why the glue had been so difficult to create. “There’s the fur to contend with, and obviously given their claws and teeth, it’s useful if it’s quick drying”, she explained. “And it needs to be resistant to shear forces, so they don’t come apart when they run through a cat flap.”
Beaver or waterfox?
DEFRA has announced that it is to capture and place in captivity a colony of beavers currently living wild in Devon.
“They said it’s cos we could be carrying a disease and that landscape and habitats have changed in the 1000 years we’ve been gone out of Devon so we could bugger the environment up,” Alex the Tooth, leader of the Devon beavers told us. “Yeah, that’s true cos us beavers are well known for intensive farming and fracking. Somebody stop us before we drain all the marshes and fail to dredge any riverbeds.”
“The Coalition want to destroy everything they can’t make a profit on but somehow we’re the diseased ones,” he said. “Now I know what the badgers are so hacked off about.”
Alex the Tooth blames his colony’s woes on hunting.
“Last time we were around we were hunted to extinction,” he said. “No one wants to do that anymore so no one in power gives a toss about us. But maybe hunting will be our salvation. If we all dress up as foxes then half the Cabinet and all the Royal Family will want to put on a red jacket and chase us. The ‘waterfox’ will be ruled an essential part of nature before you can say ‘oh look the Duke of Edinburgh’s given little Prince George a cuddly waterfox toy and a tiny gun’.”
If the waterfox plan fails Alex the Tooth told us that he and the rest of his colony had an even more extreme one in reserve.
“We’re British and have been for thousands of years. If we don’t get some fair treatment soon then we shall all start voting Ukip.”
” Am I pleased to see you or is that an extra leg in my trousers?”
Veteran entertainer Rolf Harris was jailed today after being found guilty of “shocking child abuse” by having his only daughter named Bindi.
In sentencing the children’s entertainer, Mr Justice Sweeney said ”Your vile actions cannot be defended. Why couldn’t you have given your child a normal name such as Janet, Susan or even Justice?”