Local idiot will sit in the sun all day today, if temperatures top 30°C

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See, two whole days in the sun last week – still no cancer

A Harold man who thinks the moon-landings were faked and melanoma is what picnic mugs are made from, hopes to get his annual Vitamin D intake today, if weather forecasts are correct .

Conspiracy theorist and pot-head, 23 year-old Adam Cassidy, says that skin cancer is an invention of cancer charities. Continue reading

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Hypochondriac sets up Just Giving page – asks for £1,000,000,000 ‘to be on the safe side’

hypochondriacA local hypochondriac has set up a Just Giving page with an initial fundraising target of £1,000,000,000.

“I think I’ve got AIDS, and Dropsy. And Dengue Fever. Probably Zika too. Worst of all, I’ve got slightly dry skin on my upper arm that literally could be ANYTHING. I’m hoping a billion pounds will cover it” said Harold identity Sally Evans.
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Rachel Riley takes career break due to Irritable Vowel Syndrome

Raechael in happier times

Raechael in happier times

Channel 4’s resident Countdown numbers genius and letters beauty has today announced a break from TV due to crippling Irritable Vowel Syndrome.

The syndrome is suffered silently by thousands and has taken its toll on the popular maths expert with doctors blaming the exposure suffered on the afternoon show.
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Jeremy Corbyn endorsed by both the Judean People’s Front and the People’s Front of Judea

People's Front of JudeaJeremy Corbyn has shown his unifying credentials after obtaining endorsements from both the Judean People’s Front and the People’s Front of Judea, after earlier being endorsed by the Campaign for a Free Galilee and the Judean Popular People’s Front.

The Judean People’s Front and the People’s Front of Judea haven’t seen eye to eye for over 2,000 years, but both groups agreed the Tories and Blairites are far greater threats than Pontius Pilate and the Romans ever were as they threw their combined weight behind Corbyn.
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Baby develops language skills, despite adults always talking gibberish to her

Programme Name: Teletubbies 2015 - TX: n/a - Episode: Teletubbies - ep 1 (No. 1) - Picture Shows: Laa-Laa, Dipsy, Po, Tinky Winky - (C) Teletubbies Production LTD - Photographer: -

Your child may be a Doctor in 25 years. Start talking to her in English

A small child has successfully developed language skills even though adults insist on talking to her in some form of Teletubbish.

In only a few weeks, nine-month old Ellie Reynolds from Harold has upped her game, from blowing bubbles simultaneously via nostrils and mouth, to forming coherent sentences with nouns, verbs, and those ‘ad…’ things you didn’t pay attention to at school. Continue reading

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Brexit voter literally up shit creek after failing to find Polish plumber

fat edl memberGavin Mitchell says he doesn’t regret his Brexit vote even though a river of shit is running from his bathroom to the living room.

“Actually I’m proud of this river of shit” said the Britain First member. “It’s a symbol of how patriots like me stood up to those Eastern Europeans who were taking the piss, and, as it happens, taking the shit.”

Mitchell said living in a rapidly growing torrent of excrement was a small price to pay for taking back control of Britain’s drains and sewers.
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A-levels now piss easy claims anyone who last sat an exam twenty years ago

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Looks tense but did you know A-levels in 2016 were only ten minutes long?

A-levels are officially less challenging than pulling a greasy stick out of a dead dog’s arse according to everyone who’s forgotten what taking exams is like. Continue reading

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Disappointment as ‘war’ between Boris Johnson and Liam Fox doesn’t involve bloodshed

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Gunnery Sergeant Hartman would reject this war face

There was sadness across the nation this morning as everyone realised that the much hyped ‘war’ between Boris Johnson and Liam Fox isn’t proper and that neither of them are going to get so much as paper cut . Continue reading

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Breathless nation waits for Redgrave to off Inverdale

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Go on, big fella, fuck him up

The greatest story of the Rio Olympics is unfolding outside of any contest as everyone waits for Sir Steve Redgrave, legendary Olympian, to end patronising cock-rat in cheap slacks, John Inverdale. Continue reading

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Mo Farah continues campaign to win R2D2 role

FarahA frustrated Mo Farah says he doesn’t know what more he can do to secure the role of R2D2 in the Star Wars films after once again doing his trademark ‘Mobot’ celebration.

Farah says he truly hates running, but it’s a means to an end to get his dream robot role.
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Gary Lineker ‘looking forward to eating pies again’

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Still sucking it in until Match of the Day this evening

With the end of a 5 month fast in sight, Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker is keen to start eating properly again.

After presenting a segment of tonight’s MotD in his pants, Lineker will finally relax his abdominal muscles for the first time since Easter and has taken the sensible precaution of lining them with two layers of Tena for Men.

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Official Olympic muggers only taking Omega watches, Visa cards and Big Macs

olympic muggerIn a move that has been criticised as taking commercialism too far, organisers of the Olympics have unveiled the official Rio 2016 gang of muggers, who will ruthlessly prey on sports fans visiting the city, but will only take items produced by the Games’ leading sponsors.

The small army of Games Takers, recognisable by their official uniforms, will enhance the Rio 2016 brand by moving discretely through the back streets surrounding the main stadiums, viciously snatching any products which visitors may be carrying, should they be from Visa, Samsung, Omega, or slightly less plausibly, Bridgestone Tyres.

“I was walking along, slightly lost, unwittingly flaunting the whole gamut of products from Proctor & Gamble,” explained one victim. “Pringles, Bounty, Vicks, you name it. They took everything. It feels so authentic! Unfortunately I now have two broken legs, and Samsung don’t do plaster casts.”

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Hypocritical Morrissey repeatedly strangles chickens and spanks monkeys

Morrissey caught in the act

Morrissey caught in the act

Morrissey’s animal rights crusade may all be an act as allegations emerge he’s a chronic chicken strangler and monkey spanker.

Morrissey, who as lead singer in the Smiths sung the vegetarian anthem ‘Meat is Murder’, has publicly and noisily advocated for animal rights, but it seems behind closed doors the pop icon is not averse to abusing animals for his own selfish pleasure.
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Tom Daley’s team mates strike Olympic diving Gold

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Tom Daley; we would

Inspired by Tom Daley’s brilliant-bronze on Day 3, two other Team GB divers won Olympic gold last night. Neither of them are, or have at any time been related to Tom Daley.

Speaking about their win,  Daley, who first shot to public prominence in the 2008 Olympics, as the youngest member of Team GB, said he was ‘delighted’ for his team mates.

Still only 22, Tom has been diving since he was just seven years old, an age when many less-talented children can’t even swim, much less jump into a pool. Continue reading

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“Jeremy Corbyn turned Rio pools green,” says Guardian

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*shakes fist* “Corbyyyyyyyn!”

In a blistering editorial the Guardian today claims that the only possible for reason for the swimming pools at the Rio Olympics to have turned green is because “Jeremy Corbyn’s made them all bollocks like demonstrating his unfitness to lead the Labour Party and offering further proof that he’s a massive, massive git-whistle.” Continue reading

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C.S Lewis joins Strictly Come Dancing line-up

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He’s got the music in him

Veteran Christian apologist and creator of that faun that got everyone a bit moist in the film adaptation, C.S Lewis, has been confirmed as a contestent on this year’s Strictly Come Dancing.

“It’s a real coup for us,” said executive producer Louise Rainbow. “Lots of people know C.S Lewis as one of the greatest minds of the twentieth century who really got to the heart of who we are with books like The Problem of Pain and The Screwtape Letters. What they may be surprised to learn is that he can rumba like a bastard.” Continue reading

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Protests as conjoined twins win synchronised diving gold yet again

very synchronised divers

Two hearts that beat as one…

There were protests in the international diving community today after conjoined twinsTom and Dan Goodfellow-Daley won Olympic gold yet again with a perfectly-synchronised dive in Rio.

The twins, who are joined at the shoulder, thigh and buttock, rose as one off the high board before executing a perfectly simultaneous double backflip and pike, hitting the water at the exact same second.

“It seems so unfair,” complained Eddie and Geoff Rutter, an entirely separate pair of synchronised divers from the English village of Harold. “We understand that they’ve overcome great obstacles in life to get where they are today, but we feel that the being synchronised bit just isn’t as hard for them.”

“I mean, we’ve practised the timing and everything for years. We’ve developed a near-telepathic sense of oneness. And we asked if we could use a huge piece of duct tape to stick ourselves together, but they said no. So where’s the justice?”

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Differing reports on Troubled Families explained: “I was lying” says Cameron

Fat Dave utilising his right to cause offence

Unhappier times for the Camerons – in Cornwall

“Once you realise that – no mystery.” drawled a chillaxed David Cameron from a sunny beach.

“Good PR at the time – I did that before I became an MP as well, you know. Sun’s a bit fierce, would you mind shifting the umbrella to the left? No more Cornwall for me, thank God – I was lying about that too.” Continue reading

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Rio Olympics causing transport chaos, say London commuters

Surbiton trainHolding the Olympics in a place other than London is causing transport chaos as people aren’t taking holidays to escape or working from home, according to London commuters.

“Bloody selfish” says Surbiton commuter Sean Nunean. “The government should’ve ensured London held the Olympics again so people like me can get a seat on the 8.27am to Waterloo.”
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Education, education, segregation: grammar schools rise again

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Graham Brady MP. Anyone else hear braying and the clatter of horses’ hooves?

People who recognise the advantages of an expensive education  over a cheaper version are delighted that grammar schools are making a comeback.

“There are a few issues to resolve, such as how we keep the ‘wrong sort’ sort out, whilst still getting them to pay for it.” said Tory MP Graham Brady, a man who’s reached 49 years of age without once bothering to get a proper job. “We’ll probably rely on local house prices, which served us well for years.” Continue reading

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