Labour to spend weekend practicing deafening silence ahead of Tory budget

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We’ve honestly forgotten who the Shadow Cabinet are. Is it the Wuzzels? We hope it’s the Wuzzels.

The parliamentary Labour Party are spending the next two days on a country retreat working on how they can provide the least opposition to the first Conservative budget since November 1996.

“We hear that George Osborne is going to favour the wealthy on inheritance tax while also cutting billions from welfare,” a Labour insider who gave their name only as Harriet Harman told us. “We don’t like that at all so in response we’ll be sure to…um…well…hoo…” Continue reading

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Andy Murray regrets giving away racquet: ‘I’m going to need it tomorrow’

murray

Andy Murray, with his trademark look of despair.

Andy Murray felt an immediate pang of regret, after giving away his tennis racquet to one of his 3 million Facebook followers.

“I’ve just realised that I’m going to need it again”, said Murray. “It’s quite important, because it’s what I use to hit the balls.”

Murray spent the afternoon trying to buy it back on ebay, but was shocked at how much it was now ‘worth’.

Current racquet owner Terry Hodges explained why it meant so much to him.

“I’ve always been a Murray fan, I’ve followed his career closely from his amateur days, so to win this was like a dream come true. I’ve set the reserve at £5,000.”
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Humans getting taller and smarter, except for Brian

big shoe

Even Brian’s sandals are thick.

Scientists have confirmed that human beings are becoming taller and more intelligent, with the exception of Harold’s Brian Evans.

“It’s selective evolution”, explained Professor Justine Wurlitzer of Dunstable University. “People are attracted to clever people, who can also put things in those high cupboards you get on aircraft.”

“Whereas Brian is, if anything, getting slightly more stupid with every passing minute. For instance, yesterday he spent an hour trying to lick his elbows.”

The professor carried out a range of experiments to measure cognitive ability, problem solving and if Brian can reach his lunch box if it’s moved to the top shelf in the fridge.
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Calls to useless morons now free

callcentre

May as well be.

Mobile calls to liars and idiots with an 0800 number are now free, Ofcom has announced.

From today, consumers can listen to the same sentence being read out 14 times by a man in Bangalore called ‘Martin’, ‘Fridge’ or ‘Stevenage’, no matter what question they’ve asked, and all for the princely sum of nothing.

“This is good news for consumers”, said Ofcom’s Shapi Patel. “No that’s not my real name, you’re right; I just use it to sound more diverse.” A freedom of information request later revealed that their real name was Nigel Wilberforce.
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Relief at finding John Noakes tempered by doubts he’s the same one

John-Noakes

John, with Petra No. 38.

No sooner had Blue Peter’s John Noakes been discovered after going missing in Mallorca, than rumours started that he wasn’t the same one.

Despite looking quite like John Noakes, the ‘new’ John Noakes appeared to be slightly younger, more left-handed and around 4 inches taller.

“No, this is the real John Noakes, what on earth are you talking about?” said BBC spokesman Felicity Evans. “Look, he’s even wearing the same badge.”

“No, he doesn’t come when you call him, he’s got Alzheimers for goodness sake. It’s just a coincidence that he now responds to the name ‘Nigel’.”

Evans was later overheard admitting to a senior manager that it wasn’t the same Noakes, and claimed he’d been replaced when the real one ‘went to live on a farm’.

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Travel chaos: 35 degree heat ‘could cause commuters to stick together’

train

Mind the gap!

Rail experts are warning commuters to avoid travelling in their bathing suits, for fear their sweaty torsos could end up stuck together.

With some slight summer weather forecast for the coming week of summer, Network Rail’s Greg Hostage explained how this could cause chaos.

“We’re not used to it in this country, are we?”, said Hostage. “Which is why when we designed the network, we only imagined the temperature would remain a constant 15 degrees.”

Hostage explained that at 15 degrees, the carriage air-conditioning systems were already running at full capacity, and the rails were on the very point of buckling.

“Imagine what will happen when there’s a freak slight increase in temperature”, he posed. “It’s the sort of unpredictable event that can catch us out, normally during every June, July or August.”

Hostage noticed that just the thought of warm weather had made his thighs stick together, which when scaled up on a computer model saw 1,500 passengers locked in an untangleable, heaving, suction-locked ball.

“Commuters can prevent this by wrapping themselves in cling-film or tin foil, and standing next to someone wearing the opposite”, insisted the Passenger Curtailment Executive. “Or you could ease overcrowding by travelling a little later, perhaps sometime in December?”

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19 years on many still afraid Cliff will sing at Wimbledon again

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The horror! The horror!

It hasn’t happened since July 1996 however latest research shows that people’s biggest Wimbledon worry is still the threat of Cliff Richard bursting into song.

“I know there’s heightened security around for other reasons,” a denizen of Murray Mound who gave his name only as Yoda told us, “but for most of us the greatest concern is the weather. Every time there’s a cloud in the sky I feel my stomach tighten. Cloud leads to rain, rain leads to Cliff, Cliff leads to suffering.” Continue reading

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Are you a true Brit? Take the Evening Harold Britishness test and find out.

British is who you are, not what you are.

Question 1.

You are in the supermarket when the store manager announces over the tannoy that an imminent meteor strike is heading your way. Do you

A – Panic buy all the toilet paper, shoving children and old ladies out of the way in your hurry to get what’s rightfully yours?

B – Use it as an opportunity to steal a laptop while everyone is distracted?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Queue patiently for the self service check out, tutting occasionally at all the noise and disorder.

Question 2.

You are on a crowded bus when a frail, elderly gentleman of dark skinned appearance struggles on only to find no seats available. Do you

A – Cast your eyes everywhere but at him in the hope that you don’t meet his gaze.

B – Take the piss out of his shoes?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Offer him your seat insisting that it’s perfectly fine despite your broken leg and neck brace?

Question 3.

You are watching the television news when a piece comes on about a major tragedy affecting hundreds of foreign people in a country you’ve never even heard of. Do you

A – Switch over to watch “When The World’s Shoutiest TV Presenters Attack”?

B – Laugh?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Immediately ring the charity help line to make a small donation then go and make a cup of tea?

Question 4.

You hear that a family of Syrian asylum seekers is moving into the house next door. Do you

A – Immediately start a petition among the local residents to get the filthy scrounging foreign benefit claiming scum removed?

B – Spray paint abusive messages on their front door telling them to go home?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Knock on the door to see if they need anything and invite them to pop round for a nice cup of tea?

Question 5.

You are on holiday in Majorca with your family when you see a woman wearing full burka despite the 40 degree heat. Do you

A – Carry on walking to the ‘Queen Victoria’ British theme pub, grab a pint of John Smith’s and an all day fry up then sit and moan about all the foreigners coming into Europe these days bringing their weird customs and practices and doing nothing to integrate with the local culture?

B – Throw stones at her until she cries?

C – Go on a gun rampage, killing everyone in sight?

D – Think to yourself that she must be jolly warm under that lot and wonder whether she’d appreciate a refreshing cup of tea?

Time to check your answers.

Mostly A – You are probably aged 18 to 35 and have grown up on a diet of Jeremy Kyle, Daily Mail and social media. You’re more of a bigot than your parents but not as bad as your kids. You believe everything you read on the internet.

Mostly B – You are probably aged 11 to 18 and were brought up by people who answered mostly A.

Mostly C – You are either a member of Islamic State or an American. It’s really not easy to tell from your answers.

Mostly D – You have many of the traits that made British people great before consumerism, Americanisation, me-first attitudes and the practice of everything catering solely for the hard-of-thinking took root. Congratulations, you can stay.

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Greece leaves tiny horse outside Brussels: creditors back it to win at Chepstow

pony

Who would put a pony on Greece?

In a last desperate throw of the dice, Greece has left a small, timber-clad pony on the steps of Brussels.

Always ones to look a gift-horse in the mouth, creditors refused to drag it inside and instead bet heavily on it to win at the ten to midnight handicap at Chepstow.

“We weren’t expecting that”, admitted Greek PM Alexis Tsipras.”We’d rather banked on them popping it into the vault.”
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Australia officially takes over as global village idiots

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This quokka’s only smiling because it doesn’t know how dumb it is

Australia has officially taken over from the USA as global village idiots following a recent flurry of good ideas from Washington on things like healthcare, gay marriage and extremism. As he received the golden sheep’s bladder on a stick from Barack Obama during a ceremony in Canberra earlier today, Prime Minister Tony Abbott said that he is delighted by his country’s rise. Continue reading

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BBC secures rights to broadcast coverage of Wimbledon tennis WAGs

MuzzaFans of Andy Murray’s new wife, Kim, breathed a collective grunt of relief at the news that the BBC has secured the terrestrial TV rights to show the players’ girlfriends, relatives and assorted celebrities whilst they are watching the tennis at Wimbledon.

Acclaiming the news as a major coup, Barbara Slater, BBC Sport Director, said “Whilst we are obviously disappointed that our bid of £15 and dinner with Claire Balding was considered insufficient to retain the rights to cover the tennis itself, we are delighted to be able to continue the coverage of the tennis players’ sweethearts and pushy mothers. Most viewers will hardly notice the difference.” Continue reading

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National Rail will stay shit ‘for the foreseeable future’

ministeamtrain

Rail development in the North is being shelved for a few years

Plans to make rail travel bearable were ‘overly ambitious’ admitted transport minister Patrick McLoughlin yesterday, from the back of his official Jaguar.

McLoughlin explained how, with the election over, there is now no  immediate need to have northerners clogging up platforms and corridors with their whippets and homing pigeons.

“That’s it for the Northern Power-house for the time being” he chuckled “Northern Shite-house more like. Have you seen the way Jaguar ruche their leather seats on the new models by the way? Great to run your fingers over.”

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Dalai Lama booked to throw his piss at James Bay

dalai piss

Let it go, Mr Lama. Let it go.

The Dalai Lama is said to be ‘overjoyed’ at the prospect of annointing James Bay with his own holy water.

Mr Lama, 63, is famed for his inner calm and tranquility, but ‘completely lost his shit’ when he first heard ‘Hold Back the River’.

“I will not hold this river back”, declared the Llama. “I will project it forward with righteous velocity. With luck, I’ll knock his stupid hat off.”
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What does your tattoo say about you?

odd ink

Tattoos can help you stand out from the crowd.

Have you got ink? Curious about what it means? Evening Harold unpicks the scabs on the tattoo code…

Swallow on neck: You are an Arthur Ransome fan.

Tear under one eye: You suffer from hayfever. (Please offer this person antihistamines if they appear to be in difficulty.)

Anchor on forearm: Possible subconscious iron deficiency.

Unicorn: You interfere with horses.

Football club badge: You are working class. Talk to someone about chips.
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“Moo about it being ‘totally unacceptable’ then just sit back down”: Cameron’s Calais plan in full

game-thrones-season-5-spoilers-white-walkers-hardhome

To be fair to Calais police some of these chaps who are intent on getting into the UK do seem a bit highly strung. We wouldn’t want to tackle them either.

  1. Blame the French.
  2. Moo about it being ‘totally unacceptable’ then just sit back down.

  3. Never mention that under the Coalition the Border Force had 20% slashed from its budget and its workforce reduced by 5,200. Continue reading

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Gove on outdated legal system failing the poor. “Hang on, that’s my job!”

michael gove again

One thing I learned as Minister for Education was…err…

Letting down the poorest in society should be left to politicians with a proven track record of doing so, thinks Michael Gove.

“If there’s one thing I learned as Education Secretary… two, take away one … yes one thing” said the justice minister yesterday “it’s that you can’t simply let so-called professionals run things. A politician like me, with a fresh new approach – pardon?- well yes, untrammelled by previous experience in the field is another way of putting it – can often makes things better.”

Mr Gove is particularly concerned that there are effectively  two systems of justice in the country. “One Gold Standard, for the rich and well connected and another for those without financial means or influence. That is completely unacceptable to this Conservative government and we will now consign it to the history books”.

“We will rationalise things to create one simple, uniform system across the country.” he promised his audience, adding with a flourish “My predecessor Chris Grayling made a good start by slashing legal aid and decimating support services for domestic violence victims; it now falls to me to finish the job and do away with justice for the poor altogether.”

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John Terry makes no comment

Terry keeps mum

Terry keeps mum

Despite reports, John Terry has made no comment whatsoever.

Evening Harold reporters have been camped outside John Terry’s London house for two days, waiting to get former England captain John Terry’s reaction to events. None has so far been forthcoming.

The lack of any sort of response, even just a blunt denial, has inevitably led to speculation that there is something to hide.
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Eco-holiday? Why not row a cargo ship?

row boatEco fans can now offset their carbon footprint by taking a cruise on a galley slave-powered cargo ship.

With bookings now being taken to bring 55,000 tonnes of iPhones, smart watches and other electronic crap back from China, just 1,200 ethical adventurers are needed to get it here by Christmas.

“Unfortunately that’s not Christmas this year, and most of this tat will be out of date by 2018″, explained green-tour organizer Damien Howitzer.

“But between them, they will have saved enough fuel to pop the whole lot in the landfill, and still have enough carbon credits left to fly the family to Florida. Well, those that survive, obviously.”
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George Osborne now using n-word in every speech

osborne

“I’m going to pop a cap up your bottom.”

George Osborne has dropped the n-word in a string of speeches, after being impressed by Obama’s use of the forbidden term.

A group of school children from Dunstable were the first to hear the chancellor’s latest attempt to talk ‘street’, and roundly condemned him for doing so.

“It’s not a word most kids would dream of using”, said 14-year old Samantha Bacon. “It’s revolting really; a real symbol of past oppression.”

The queen seemed nonplussed when a state dinner was n-bombed by Osborne, but Prince Philip barely batted an eyelid.
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IDS denies accidental humiliation of disabled man: “No accident, it’s what gets me up in the morning.”

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

“That’s made my day!” IDS hears claimant really does have multiple sclerosis

Iain Duncan Smith has defended his department’s humiliation of Nick Gaskin, who cannot walk, talk or feed himself.

“It’s a well known fact in my head that benefits scroungers pretend to have multiple sclerosis, constructing elaborate facades by being fed and toileted by an army of well-meaning but frankly gullible carers.”

DWP officials repeatedly asked Mr Gaskin to attend a Jobcentre interview or have his benefits stopped. “We were pretty sure he was a wrong’un.” says IDS “When the potential consequences were explained to Mr Gaskin during a home visit, he just sat there blinking, so we clearly had him rattled.”

Nick Gaskin, from Leicestershire, was diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis (MS) 16 years ago. He needs round-the-clock care and can only communicate through blinking.

“So what?” asked IDS “I need round the clock care myself. In fact we have a DWP unit just to follow me round and sweep up the shit I make up. And I can’t actually feed myself either – not on a Ministerial salary. But you don’t see me queuing up with a begging bowl and shall I tell you why? Well, yes, living rent free in a mansion on my father-in-law’s estate helps, but this isn’t about me. Don’t change the subject.”

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