Anybody want a peanut?
Donald Trump has today announced that in order to “protect this great democracy from Crooked Hillary” he is flying the Florinese Brute Squad to the US at his own expense.
“This will make America great again!” Trump thundered. “King Humperdink is a swell guy, we’re very close unless he turns out to be a huge threat to global security and then I’ve never met him. He’s got this amazing Brute Squad in Florin City that go into the Thieves Quarter and prove that the long arm of the law usually has a rock at the end of it. I love these guys!” Continue reading
“I’m in Room 264. What’s your policy on withdrawal?”
For her first PM speech at the EU summit, Theresa May was given a prestigious slot, between the traditional ceremonies of “Clearing the coffee cups” and “Laying the breakfast tables”.
After thanking her hosts for the honour of “the last speech”, with time limits enforced by Nicholas Parsons, Continue reading
Trump is on the lookout for floating voters
During the third televised presidential debate, the United States’ most popular orange wig-stand, Donald Trump, has refused to commit to accept gravity.
“I have a tremendous plan to make America float again.” said Trump last night. “Crooked Hillary’s ‘universal laws’ have held this country down for far too long. Believe me, it’s gonna be so great….”
When pressed by the moderator to confirm his acceptance of gravity, Trump declined Continue reading
“O, thou scabrous reptile, thou cream-faced loon, thou pussy toad…” Joe Queenan
Proof that money can’t buy happiness or a decent wig, Donald Trump, has taken to Twitter to deny that he’s running for President of the USA. Continue reading
Him and Matt Baker run a fight club #FACT
Despite most Brits being obese city dwellers who wouldn’t know a badger if they found one in their kitchen whipping up a batch of parkin, Amber Rudd has announced that every citizen of Brexit Britain is now required to watch Countryfile. Continue reading
Woolfe had to get out so quickly he had to leave his principles behind
Part-time scrapper, Steven Woolfe has been left stranded and lonely, after fleeing UKIP and not being rescued.
“I was afraid for my life after being attacked by Mike Hookem. I had to get out at such short notice I had to leave my principles behind.” said Woolfe yesterday “Astonishingly, other political parties simply rejected me.”
A tearful Woolfe appealed to Conservatives’ sense of compassion “It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be welcomed. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Vinnie Jones says Britain would be complete pussies to choose anything other than hard Brexit.
“It’s about self-respect” said Jones. “Soft Brexit sounds like something the French would do to appease the Germans.”
Gerald, in a blue period, due to the comparisons
Male octopuses say they are very respectful to females, and being linked to Donald Trump’s groping is very unfair.
Gerald the octopus says he and his friends always ask first before touching females of the species, and even then its the most gentle of caresses, not a grope.
What a tosser, though, really.
In the biggest shock yet to the 2016 Presidential race, an unidentified woman has come forward claiming not to have been ever groped or inappropriately touched by Republican candidate Donald Trump.
Masie Renfrew, 48, a dental hygienist from Brooklyn, claimed to sceptical journalists that she shared an elevator with Trump in 1986 without being molested by the bewigged octopus.
“He just sort of stood there looking at me out of the corner of his eye,” explained Renfrew. “He seemed to twitch slightly, but that could just have been the wig blowing in the air con. Then I got out, and he hadn’t done anything, I was shocked.”
“I supposed I’m lucky I was only going one floor.”
Remember they’re more scared of you than you are of them. Just trap them using a glass and a piece of cardboard and release them in the garden
A man dressed as a “killer clown” has been arrested by police after a brief chase that ended when his getaway car fell to pieces.
Officers were called to reports of the man terrorising children in Luton and gave chase, initially on foot, before the “clown” climbed into a small car, sounded a novelty horn, and sped away.
“We were going to get back in our car and continue the pursuit but heard a loud bang come from the getaway car.” Continue reading
We give it six months before it’s this or a loaf of bread costing £200 billion
As the value of the pound drops faster than the all new Shadow Cabinet’s approval ratings the UK has adopted bags and wrappers from Greggs as an alternate currency.
“This new approach is exactly where Brexit Britain should be according to my financial planning,” said abyss that stares back, Philip Hammond. “There’s no cause for concern and globally this country in no way looks like a howling mess pushed into crisis by suggestible bigots. Greggs wrappers are fine, just fine. Everything is fine.”
The new currency will inevitably put strain on the NHS as people gorge themselves even fatter on pasties to get Greggs bags however at a press conference later today Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage are expected to announce that the NHS will be getting an extra three hundred and fifty million bags a week so there’s nothing to worry about.
Foreigners seen here preparing traditional kebab dinner
Monarchists have reacted angrily to proposed new rules in which royal families will be forced to announce how many foreigners they contain.
Government proposals for the “naming and shaming” of monarchies with high numbers of immigrant royals were designed to “promote English nobility”, but instead risk penalising hard-working Greeks or Germans who contribute greatly to our society by taking massive civil list payments, according to a spokesman from Who’s Who.
“People like Prince Philip come here looking for a better life, and who can blame them,” insisted a Buckingham Palace insider.
In a rare apology, Donald Trump has admitted that his notorious ‘Make America Grope Again’ slogan might be a bad idea.
Following the release of a tape showing Trump confessing to grabbing unwilling women’s genitalia, the Republican presidential candidate has realised that he may be on the verge of losing the crucial ‘anti sexual assault’ vote.
Trump’s apology was comprehensive, covering his entire adult life, and yet still managed to suggest that Hillary Clinton might be largely to blame.
He explained his position to an array of journalists nervously covering their private parts with their hands in the manner of English football players in a ‘wall’ defending a direct free kick.
FURY SAYS HE CAN COPE WITH ATTACKS FROM THE LEFT OR THE RIGHT
Celebrity racist and well-known misogynist, Tyson Fury, has signed up for the UKIP leadership race, claiming he has the firepower to despatch Mike ‘Right’ Hookem in the early rounds.
“Mike was impressive against barrister Steven Woolfe. What a ridiculous name by the way, with a name like Woolfe I thought he’d be a bit tasty but he went down like his name was Poodle.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
The Prime Minister decides against “blacking up”, until voters get used to her new image
I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for rich right wing old people in the history of our nation.
Five score and six days ago, the only voters we now give a rat’s arse about, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, declared that there was no such thing as Europe.
This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of working class people who will now be even easier to manipulate. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their perceived captivity to Brussels and released them to a world where they only have themselves, and certainly not us, to blame.
I have a dream that one day Continue reading
massive braying bellend
With Nigel Farage still in charge of UKIP, the party which made everyday racism acceptable again, a campaign forcing the massive braying bellend to stay on has already gained huge support.
“We’d enough people signed up to trigger a parliamentary debate in the first hour.” said campaign organiser Alison Lee “If we reach ten million they’ll have to pass new laws, ensuring Farage not only stays as UKIP leader but also spends four hours in the stocks on College Green on weekends and alternate Wednesdays until further notice.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Coming to a prison near you, as officer or inmate
Justice Minister Liz Truss says ex-soldiers working as prison officers will not only keep their guns but also be exempted from petty European Convention on Human Rights responsibilties, such as the right to life.
“Who better to instil the virtues of discipline?” asks Truss “Who better to show what you can achieve in life with courage, integrity, and an L85A2 assault rifle?” Continue reading
Brexit lifts us up where we belong
Minister for Brexit, David Davis, is to promise the UK what it needs in a speech at the Tory conference.
“Will it hurt?” he will say. “Not for me. For you, that’s a different matter. Hurt is such a subjective expression, don’t you think?” Continue reading
Our borrowing and spending is different from Labour’s because reasons
Philip Hammond says that his planned spending on infrastructure is wise and pragmatic, unlike Labour’s planned spending on infrastructure, which is another example of failed left-wing idealogy.
“We’ll build homes,” he said “where Labour planned to piss taxpayers’ money up the wall by building homes. We’ll improve transport links, where Labour planned to spunk away hard working families’ cash Continue reading
Armed robbers who burst into Kim Kardashian’s Paris hotel room got more than they bargained for when the ubiquitous celebrity bombarded them with minute details of her daily routine.
With her bodyguard quickly overpowered and tied up, a brave Kardashian confronted the robbers in the only way she knows how – by oversharing every aspect of her personal life from plucking her eyebrows to oiling her bottom.