Yawning void in shoes a drag queen wouldn’t touch, Theresa May, has criticised the Fire Service for appearing to have exactly the same working culture as her own organisation. In a baffling speech she lambasted the Fire Service for being toxic and corrosive and coupling it with a lack of transparency and independent scrutiny. She then returned to Number 10 and her Bullingdon Club, Panama tax haven using, “Calm down, dear” boss and his secretive, white, privately educated, millionaire, manly chums. Continue reading
No diversity, no accountability, sexist: confusion as Theresa May attacks Fire Service for being like Tory Cabinet
Another steaming tidal-wave of shit seems to have emerged from the Goverment’s favourite contractors, the hapless G4S.
With child victims of their custody staff assaults still sporting bruises, fresh allegations are that G4S police control room staff made loads of 999 calls at quiet times, to boost their performance figures.
Jon Pastry, managing director for G4S public services outlined the background to this latest calamity “We became aware that a shady firm of repeat offenders had made a 999 call to boost their performance figures.” Continue reading
The UK woke up this morning to the awful news that there’s still a calendar month to go, before deciding on the political careers of Boris, IDS, Osborne, and Gove.
“Not even four weeks – a proper month.” said Harold Teaching assistant Carly Jeffery “Thirty one bloody days. Seven hundred and forty four soul-destroying sodding hours. And I’m an insomniac, so I’ll be awake for most of them!” Continue reading
The village of Harold is tinged with sadness this morning following the news that village idiot, Tim Trotman, has died leaving precisely no one left alive who even slightly cares about Top Gear or Jeremy Clarkson’s new show.
“Tim was well excited,” said neighbour Julie Kettle. “He loved all the hype and the fact that there’s something about both shows in the press every sodding day. He even thought most of it was real reporting and not part of two micromanaged publicity campaigns. Bless ‘im.” Continue reading
“We accept that we have to start moving into new areas,” admitted British American Tobacco spokesman Harry Death.
“Our research shows a remarkably similar demographic between cancer patients and our existing customers. Really, it’s uncanny.”
Marlboro have already launched an aggressive cancer drug for the rugged outdoors type, while Benson and Hedges’ Silk Cut chemo will be aimed at users who do not really need treatment but don’t want to feel like they’re missing out.
Meanwhile, for those who find the whole chemo thing a bit too strong, why not try menthol-chemo for the cool rush of winter – like that bloke in the operating gown in the Macmillan ads.
This is only the start of big tobacco’s monetization of its products’ longer-term effects. Camel have started selling amusing hump-branded urns, while Superkings have a range of longer than usual coffins for budget-conscious tall people.
Corbyn, a long time cardigan fancier, said he was immediately taken by the striking black and white checked pattern on one his regular visits to the Islington branch of the Cardigan’s Protection League.
“The pattern reminded me of a chessboard, and the stirring bishop and pawn battles I had with the other boys at Grammar School. Chess was such a great game, but completely unsuited to meeting girls, which is why I packed it in and starting marching against the bomb instead” reminisced Corbyn.
Potatoes could cause high blood pressure, says science: Ban these evil immigrants, says Britain First
Pond scum in shit jumpers, Britain First, are grunting for potatoes to be deported following the publication of a study in the BMJ which has identified frequently eating potatoes with hypertension.
“I didn’t read no study,” said Paul Golding, leader of Britain First. “But I heard someone saying something in the pub about potatoes being bad for you or something and so it’s time we took our country back from these immigrant brown-skinned evil-doers what are undermining our way of life by forcing innocent Britons to get all fat and ill and that.”
Chancellor Osborne said soaring tariffs on common everyday items such as studded dog collars, rubber underpants, and full-body gimp suits, would force people to make the tough choice between living the life of perversion they were accustomed too, and keeping that second home.
Local entrepreneur and hipster converts Oofy and Lysander Eastof have launched a new business venture, aimed at villagers in Harold who feel the need to break away from the “oppressive rules” of the English language.
“Holm of Homophones” is a one stop boutique for homophones, which can be liberally sprinkled through conversation without anyone but the user knowing.
David Cameron says he hadn’t want to unduly alarm voters, so previously he’d just warned that Brexit would lead to a complete economic collapse and World War III, but the cruel reality is that a ‘leave vote’ means the public could lose the best and most loved Prime Minister and Chancellor they’d ever had.
“I know the affection in which George and I are held by the British people, and it doesn’t bear thinking about how upset people will be if we lose our jobs” explained Cameron. “There’ll be wailing in the streets, teeth will be gnashed.”
A consortium of concerned parents has claimed a moral victory after the proven legality of term-time holidays caused travel firms to immediately quadruple their non-holiday prices to cash in on the massive demand.
“We’ve always said it’s a scandal that travel costs in the holidays are raised artificially to exploit parents,” explained Ron Pratt, who refused to pay a £60 fine for taking his children to Florida, causing local authority to take him to court.
After the High Court found that there was actually nothing illegal in taking children on term-time holidays, the major travel companies have taken only days to massively raise their prices for the rest of the year.
“Now prices are the same all year round,” trumpeted a jubilant Pratt. “Instead of being forced to pay an undeserved £60 fine, I now have the right to pay £2500 more to go to Florida in September.” Continue reading
Londoners have reacted with surprise to the news that their new mayor Sadiq Khan is not an evil, lying corrupt bell-end.
Unlike predecessor Boris Johnson, Khan has immediately given the impression of being a likeable, reasonable man, with little or no inclination to act like a complete arsewipe.
“We have to say we expected the sort of person who would lie about wasting millions of pounds of our money on building a green bridge for his mates,” confessed one Londoner. “Or who display casual racism every day, calling Africans ‘piccaninnies’, that kind of thing.”
As if the deaths of Bowie, Prince and Frank Sinatra Jnr weren’t enough, now Sultans of Swing rhythm guitarist George has checked out. He was 100 years old and had a reputation for his comprehensive knowledge of guitar chords, or tabs as they are known today.
Shortly before he died, he asked that he be given a quiet funeral. “I do not want to make anybody cry or sing,” he said; “it’s strictly rhythm, so if you must clap, please do so in 6/8 time with occasional syncopated emphasis on the offbeat.”
The care home staff were consoled that that he died doing what he loved, with his heart-rate monitor displaying a steady beat right up to the moment of death. Continue reading
After the landmark high court ruling that there was no case to answer for a parent who refused to pay his £120 term time holiday fine, flagging PPI claims companies have shifted their greed from the financially ignorant to self-righteous middle class parents.
Parents who took kids out of school and hid behind the thinly veiled argument that it was better for “Jocasta and Tarquin to experience a different culture and language”, whist taking them to Disneyland or skiing for 2 weeks, can now relax and simply admit the truth : they wanted to save a few quid on a holiday. Continue reading
Serena Williams is under investigation from sporting anti-doping agencies after a random check at the Italian Open.
Williams, who confessed to ‘inadvertently’ consuming dog food before the match, was found by medical staff to have a lovely glossy coat and cold nose after reaching the last eight of the Italian Open.
The world number one tried “a spoonful” of food meant for her dog, Chip, before beating fellow American Christina McHale in straight sets in Rome.
It is believed that doping experts were made suspicious by her uncharacteristically athletic performance in leaping at the net and catching the ball in her mouth, combined with her unusual end-change ritual of cocking her leg and urinating against the umpire’s chair.
Her opponent declined to make an official complaint, but seemed distracted by Williams’ tactic of constantly running round to her side of the court and sniffing her arse.
A spokesperson for the player denied that any performance advantage had resulted from the dog food, saying: “Serena has always been an honest player, not a cheat.”
“She’s a good girl. Who’s a good girl then? Yes you are, yes you are!”
Harold’s new weatherman, Nicholas Legolas, has been fired after viewers complained about his “overly dramatic” style.
The handsome blonde, thought to have been employed for his good looks and piercing eyes, often adopted a portentous tone when delivering reports on Harold’s latest meteorological activities.
“He is a lovely looking lad” said Doris Kettle, “with hair like a Pantene advert, mine were never that shiny, not even when I were young. But I don’t need to know about the fumes of Mordor of a morning, I just want to know if I can put me delicates on the line to dry.”
After castigating Manchester United players for not turning up at least 4 hours before kick-off for the final game at Upton Park, and clearly bringing on themselves an attack on the team bus from the angelic cockneys, West Ham and Ex Sunday Sport owner David Sullivan, accompanied by his 18 year old press advisor Krystle, has today been elaborating on his theory of cause and effect.
“It’s common sense, if you turn up early then you avoid any problems. Continue reading
“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it. Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole. Metaphorically speaking.”
Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.
“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President. The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”
“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading
A Harold head teacher has spoken out in defence of the new SATs – described by many as being unnecessarily stressful, pressured and far too advanced, and which reduced some students to tears.
St Mary’s Alison Lee, however, thinks the paper was no more difficult than it needs to be to prepare students for life in current society.
“Parents think that being engaged, inspired little learners will be sufficient for their offspring to succeed, but they’re living in a dream world” said Mrs Lee.
“What sort of mind do you need to have to be able to argue that a super-injunction should hold, even when everyone knows the details of the story in question? How adept at convoluted maths must you be to complete a Panama Papers tax return? These are not skills that are garnered without effort.” Continue reading