“It seems obvious that when we’re talking Sovereignty, the Monarch should be the final arbiter,” said landlord Eddie on behalf of Harold’s informal polling group IMHO.
The group meets regularly to discuss global issues while drinking alcohol. At last night’s meeting in the Squirrel Lickers Arms, chaired by landlord Eddie Grudgingly, IMHO voted overwhelmingly to back a motion in support of a Royal Prerogative on Brexit.
“After all, there’s a fair bit of German in her blood and the Duke’s quite Greek,” said Eddie, “so they have a better understanding of Europe than far-right loudmouths in parts of Lincolnshire and the Tory Party.”
It was decided that a People’s Vote would be a waste of time, because everyone’s changed their minds, so the result would be the same as last time.
The group also supported a motion of praise for Prince Philip’s ability to survive an actual car crash much better than the Prime Minister fared in her metaphorical one.
“And the Duke,” said Eddie, winding up the debate, “is now single-handedly saving hundreds of jobs at Jaguar Land Rover with his recent order for a weekly fleet of new cars. He’s doing more for the British motor industry than Greg Clark and that’s a fact.”
As the meeting adjourned, members of the political focus group thanked Eddie for another well-organised piss-up in his pub, which everyone agreed was a rare talent these days.
Police have dramatically called off all search operations in the Gatwick area after the first confirmed photograph emerged of the mystery “drone” which has brought chaos to the airport.
After days of unconfirmed sightings, officials were beginning to question whether the mystery flying object actually existed. This changed on Christmas Eve, when a passenger booked on flight HAR666 for Dunstable came forward with a clear photograph of a bearded object being propelled through the Gatwick sky by what appeared to be a team of reindeer.
“I saw it clear as day,” explained Brian Renfrew from the village of Harold. “Obviously some clever mechanical flying device done up to take the shape of a large merry gentleman with a large sack on what I can only describe as a sleigh.”
“I could even hear the motor whirring from where I was sitting on the airport observation deck. You couldn’t miss it, a kind of loud HOOOOOOOOOOing noise. Followed by a couple more.”
Authorities have insisted that the new photographic evidence does not indicate a threat, and that they have actually decided to cancel all search operations.
“My men and I are professionals,” insisted Detective Inspector Partridge of Gatwick Airport police. “We’re as keen as anyone to bring this mystery flyer to justice, but we have to consider the painstaking months we’ve all spent compiling our Christmas present list, and quite frankly none of us are prepared to put that in jeopardy.”
“Personally, I asked him for a ride-on mower, and I’m buggered if I’m getting on the naughty list for the sake of a few disgruntled holidaymakers.”
Theatre critics who survived last night’s premiere of the 7 and a half hour epic ‘Brexit – The Musical’ were unanimous in their assertion that while it was indeed “brain meltingly suicide inducing” and “akin to having red hot pokers inserted into one’s lungs via the nose”, it still wasn’t as bad as suffering through an afternoon at The Queen’s Theatre with Les Miserables.
Despite being smattered with a huge array of unrealistic comic characters with no real personality, depth or credibility, ‘Brexit – The Musical’ was still deemed marginally preferable to the 3 hour French nationalist dirge.
Speaking from the recovery ward at St. Thomas’ hospital this morning, Guardian Theatre Critic, Michael Billington praised the new production for its brevity.
Communicating only with blinks he conveyed his assessment of the show as ‘a unique opportunity to stare into the depths of one’s existence and consider the relative merits of Dignitas for the theatre going public’.
When asked if he was looking forward to reviewing next year’s release of Hugh Jackman’s ‘The Greatest Showman 2’, Mr Billington reached over and turned off his own life support.
Gary Anderson of Scotland and Dutch man Wesley Harms were contesting the Gland Slam of Darts, when one of the two athletes spontaneously produced a hellish eruption of gas from his non-throwing end.
As the stench of rotten eggs thickened in the sporting arena, a junior Brexit minister was seen to rush the stage, wafting frantically with a large piece of cardboard, while grown men burst into tears and vomited.
Urging the wafting minion on from the back of the hall was a mysterious cloaked figure in a top hat, shouting out: “Don’t let them get a sniff! They’re not supposed to find out what a giant turd this all is until next year!”
Sir Graham Brady, the chair of the Conservative party’s influential “1922 Committee”, has confirmed that he has received over 66 million letters of no confidence in the Prime Minister – well above the 48 needed to trigger a leadership vote.
“The letters had been trickling in from unhappy backbenchers and the entire cabinet,” confirmed Sir Graham, “But it’s really taken off in the last day or so.”
“It’s almost as if every single man, woman and child in the country thinks that Theresa May is a total fucking disaster.”
“In fact, it looked like there was only one person in the UK who didn’t write, until just now, when I’ve noticed we have a further disgusted letter, from a T. May, of Downing Street, W1.”
Type 2 diabetes sufferers around the UK are waiting eagerly for the traditional Coca-Cola festive truck, which tours the country each Christmas season handing out free cola and insulin pens to the needy.
Type 1 diabetes has a strong family link, cannot be prevented and has nothing to do with lifestyle. The type 2 variant, however, is more prevalent in overweight people with high blood pressure, insufficient physical activity and a poor, sugary diet.
“Those are our people!” explained Coca-Cola UK chief executive Ron Cavity. “And it fills me with Christmas joy that this year we’ll be going round the country giving out sugary drinks and treatment to stabilise skyrocketing blood glucose levels.”
“Not many people know this, but the original Saint Nicholas weighed over 24 stone, had blood pressure up the wazoo and liked nothing better than a refreshing glass of carbonated water with high-fructose corn syrup, caffeine and phosphoric acid. Not forgetting caramel colour (E150d) of course! Ho Ho Ho!”
Cola fans of all ages are expected to line the streets in expectation, from the youngest only-slightly-overweight schoolboy to the oldest blindest double amputee.
Critics complaining that the whole exercise is a shameless marketing stunt were left mollified after it was pointed out that a good amount of what the average family would spend on cola over the year would be recouped in cancelled payments to the tooth fairy.
“You can’t put rot under your pillow!” explained one expert.
The “Beyond Burger”, which is to make its hotly-anticipated UK retail debut in Tesco on Monday, is entirely meat-free, but will ooze with authentic-looking “blood” made from beetroot juice.
The faux-beef is believed to be very realistic, but true meat lovers had expressed concern that while the feeling of warm red juice blood dripping down your chin might be fine and dandy, the real bloody experience would be incomplete without some good old fashioned scabbing to pick off and enjoy between courses.
From their high-security 100% vegan laboratory and abattoir, the inventors of the burger were reluctant to delve into the more gristly aspects of their entirely plant-derived product.
“These burgers are a miracle of modern vegan engineering,” insisted Chief Executive Matt Butcher, in a press conference with his business partner S. W. Eenytodd.
“Of course, we can’t go into exactly how the vegetable protein is reconfigured into the convincingly plausible meaty lumps, but customers should rest assured that the occasional presence of a finger nail or apparently human anus is just part of our patent plant refining system.”
“Any of our vegan customers who have any doubts about the process are more than welcome to bring their concerns to our warehouse floor, where they will be swiftly processed.”
President Trump has revealed that he was unable to appear at the commemoration in France for US soldiers killed during World War I because the forecast light drizzle would have caused serious complications with his bone spurs.
The bone spur, which tragically prevented the President from serving in Vietnam, is a serious medical condition affecting an unfortunate minority of Americans who can afford to pay for it.
In this case, highly-paid doctors believe that the possibility of scattered rain coming into proximity with the spur would have almost certainly caused instant death, and therefore the President was quite right not to attend, and it’s certainly NOTHING to do with the embarrassing thing which happens to his wig when it gets wet.
France’s president, Emmanuel Macron, and Germany’s chancellor, Angela Merkel, clasped hands at a solemn ceremony at Compiègne as they marked the centenary of the armistice signing.
It was the first time since the war that leaders from the two countries had met at the site where the ceasefire agreement with Germany was signed.
Mr Trump is believed to have commemorated the event by sitting alone in his hotel room eating pizza.
A séance held by the UK Brexit team has called upon Schrödinger’s ghost to help resolve the Irish border issue.
“What we need,” said Mrs May, “is a border that exists in the EU’s mind, but which is invisible to the DUP.”
The séance was delayed while HM Stationery Office searched their cupboard for an umlaut to go over the ‘o’ in Schrödinger. But the search was fruitless, despite a senior civil servant swearing blind he’d seen one in there only last week. Continue reading
A brand new Brexit Deal, drawn up by Banksy, will self-destruct as soon as it is signed.
The framework for the Deal is being kept a closely guarded secret, but insiders say it satisfies the demands of Leavers, Remainers and the EU.
“At first glance, the work lacks detail,” said Harold artist Beryl Blythe who was granted access to the piece, “but, when you step back, you see he has managed to stencil-in a solution to the Irish Border issue, draw up a workable plan for continuing trade and solve the question of free movement, all with lovely flowing lines and soft forms.”
With a no-deal exit from the EU looming, the BBC is preparing to switch back to analogue signals, broadcasting on a UHF channel in 625 lines, to help soften the harsh reality.
“We’ve still got a 1940s valve microphone which has a rich, warm tone. Coupled with the low image resolution of analogue broadcasting, we are ready to take the edge off the hardest of Brexits,” the BBC reassured Mrs May.
“You’ll need a Cathode Ray TV set and an X-shaped aerial,” says our media correspondent, “or you can download the app, Bygone Replicator, to turn your digital device off for you.” Continue reading
Boris Johnson’s wife Marina Wheeler has triggered Article 50. They have been in a union for 25 years but Marina now insists it’s time to take back control of her borders.
“He thinks he’s Big Daddy,”‘she said, “but in truth he’s just a Giant Haystack.”
Dubbed ‘Bojexit’, the divorce is already proving controversial, with Boris withdrawing his earlier complaint that Marina was costing him £350 million a week.
“Surely, marriage means marriage,” said Harold pensioner Doris Kettle. “How come they get another vote on it?”
When ‘A’ was rescued from a B&Q orphanage, he thought a loving family was taking him into their home and their hearts.
“The kids seemed very excited on the way home in the 4×4,” recalled A, “singing ‘Daddy got a ladder’ to the tune of ‘If I had a hammer’. I thought I would soon be enjoying a bowl of homemade soup in a warm kitchen and then the kids would show me where I was sleeping. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”
To his horror, the jeep pulled up the gravel path to the detached double garage. While the children ran into the house to tell mummy about their outing with daddy, A was slid out of the tailgate, had his packaging stripped from him and was roughly shaken before being hung on a pair of hooks inside the garage.
“Yeah, reckon you’ll do,” said the man before switching off the light and shutting the garage door.
In the darkness, a large spider crawled and A heard the familiar creak of aluminium on aluminium.
“Who’s there?” asked A.
“I’m Triple Extension,” said a deep voice in reply, “and this is my wife, Roof. Get to sleep, Steps. There’s work to be done, first thing in the morning.”
“Don’t call me Steps,” cried A.”My name’s A. It’s short for A-Frame. You’re not my real ladder.”
Donald Trump has spoken movingly about Aretha Franklin’s singing at his 2017 inauguration. “Aretha called me right after the election and insisted on singing.”
The President says it was Franklin’s dream to sing at an inauguration and she was upset that Barack Obama hadn’t asked her. “Anyway, she wouldn’t take no for an answer, something I know a lot about” said Trump “although usually from the other side Continue reading
Harold’s children have been asked to stockpile bottles of wee, in readiness for Nigel Farage’s nationwide tour promoting the wonderful benefits of a damned hard Brexit.
“It ticks several boxes,” said Harold headteacher Alison Lee “recycling single-use plastic bottles, building community by working together for a noble goal and of course, expressing our appreciation for being royally fucked-over by an angry commodity-trading Continue reading
Ruddy-faced abyss too drunk on its own sense of entitlement to gaze into thee, David Cameron, now believes he’s a shepherd having spent £50,000 on two shepherd’s huts in which to sit and write his memoirs, the least desired book in Britain since Katie Hopkins’ guide to aquatic fun, esoteric Islam and refugees Surfy, Sufi, Swarmy. Continue reading
The growing trend for Jeremy Corbyn being hired out so children can paint on him during birthday parties has come to Harold. Local parents Cassian and India Hagan-Beckett have come under heavy criticism for holding a Corbyn Daubin’ Crew themed bash for their seven year old son, Quail. Continue reading
With the not guilty verdict now in on the Ben Stokes’ trial, the nation has breathed a sigh of relief and got down to what it does best i.e. making decisions on the basis of very little information.
“Now I’m no lawyer” began a man who isn’t a lawyer, in the same tone of voice racists use when starting a sentence with the words ‘Now I’m no racist’ “but Continue reading
It’s the time of year when eight-legged terror beasts sidle into British homes every bit as needy and unsettling as Kevin Spacey at a youth theatre picnic. However the government are urging people to welcome and nurture the original and least pretentious web-based artists ‘just in case’ as they might come in handy post-Brexit.