It’s my country and I’ll cry if I want to ..
Alex Salmond has hailed victory in the Referendum claiming that every vote cast was actually in favour of Scottish Independence. Although the YES votes only totalled 45%, the First Minster said it was perfectly clear to him that those voting NO intended to vote against remaining in the UK, giving the SNP 100% in total.
The beleaguered SNP leader hit upon this latest strategy following David Cameron’s refusal to fight for it in the traditional Scottish way, in a dimly lit Glasgow car park.
“So far as I’m concerned, no one in their right mind would vote to remain in the United Kingdom,” he said defiantly, “so unless you’re accusing the Scottish electorate of lunacy, then it stands to reason that those who apparently voted ‘No’ must have misunderstood the ballot paper and meant ‘No” to the UK.” Continue reading
Weather presenters in the UK have welcomed the ‘no’ vote in Scotland saying they are glad they still have the whole of the UK to cover and now won’t be forced to go part-time.
“Giving the Scotland forecast takes up 25% of our working time,” the BBC’s Tomasz Schafernaker told us.
“If an hourly two minute forecast had been reduced to a minute and a half, the subsequent pro rata pay cut would have had a devastating effect on weather people.
“It would have led to mortgage arrears and us losing our houses. High streets up and down the country would have been full of forecasters pointing aimlessly at any green wall they could find.”
Mr Schafernaker went on to say that the presenters were so energised by this result they may seek a pay rise from their employers, but conceded that may only be possible with a full on invasion of France.
‘Laugh? I almost ordered my euros.’
Alex Salmond has welcomed the referendum ‘No’ vote, which vindicates his claim that Scotland would continue to use the pound as part of a currency union.
“As I said all along, we can now continue to use the currency indefinitely”, boasted the SNP leader. “But as a sign of goodwill, I’ll allow England to share it.”
In addition to winning the crucial Sterling argument, Salmond’s Scotland will also retain the right to carry on contributing to Britain’s debt.
What’s more, the NHS will continue to be poorly run in the country, a key pledge Salmond has stood by thoughout the campaign.
Depardieu claimed he drinks ‘up to 14 lorry-loads of wine every day’
Russia’s largest transport aircraft has been extensively refitted, so that Gérard Depardieu can be airlifted to the Ukraine frontline. In a daring operation that exceeded the airframe’s carrying capacity by some 26%, Depardieu was delivered intact but hungry and dangerously low on wine.
“As soon as I heard about Ukraine, I phoned my agent to see if such a trip was tax-deductable”, said the actor. “Then I had lunch, some patisseries and a small bucket of brandy. After that it was time for a money wash, a whole roast goose and a litre or so of pernod. That’s when I was struck in the back by a grappling hook, and winched aboard the plane.”
The logistics were difficult and involved several attempts at in-flight re-patéing. “The Russian airforce does not yet have the capability to store more than a tonne and a half of carefully refrigerated foie gras on a plane”, explained Depardieu.
The sweat-drenched hulk is considered a ‘heart throb’ in his ex-native France, a diagnosis that was confirmed by his team of cardiac surgeons.
Filed under News, Transport
The man who would be king (caution: potential monarchs may be up to thirty-three years older than pictured).
Today Scotland goes to the polls to decide whether or not to go it alone or to give its loveless union with England another 300 hundred years for the sake of Wales and Northern Ireland. Continue reading
Look! All theses stiffs were breathing before they died
In a major longitudinal study, first revealed rather breathlessly in the Daily Mail, researchers at Dunstable Royal Infirmary have identified breathing as a key factor linked to cancer and eventual death.
The project’s leader and Harold’s very own GP Dr Clive Evans, explained the breakthrough. “Until recently we’d focussed on dead patients, who generally weren’t breathing at all. But when we started to monitor live patients, an astonishingly high correlation with breathing suddenly emerged.”
‘Forest’, the right-to-enjoy-a-lingering-death-from-tobacco people, Continue reading
The Queen has made an astonishing attack on Scotland in a pre-recorded public broadcast only intended to be shown in the event of a ‘yes vote’ in favour of Scottish independence.
In the ten minute tirade the monarch slags off the Scots, their food, the weather and says how much she hates Balmoral Castle.
“The ungrateful people of Scotland have spoken and I am delighted that the power of the ballot box has meant that I never have to go to Scotland again,” she starts gently. “Frankly, I’ve never liked the place, the climate or the food.”
After a bitter complaint about the “god awful sound of bagpipes”, the Queen turns to her Scottish residence. Continue reading
Cheering music fans this morning
The Apple Corporation have won this year’s Mercury music prize for their new tool allowing customers to remove the U2 album which was forced into everyone’s iTunes collection.
The prestigious award is given only to individuals or groups who have made the biggest contribution to music in the last year, and eradication of the bloated sack of pretension that is Songs of Innocence certainly qualifies.
The music press has already compared the removal of the album with the release of the Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper, or the birth of Beethoven or Mozart – one of the landmarks in musical history which arrive at most once in a lifetime.
“It’s like a giant turd has been cleaned from a beautiful landscape,” gushed music journalist Peter Paphides this morning. “People may say that the removal of an item is an intangible non-thing, but is the absence of ugliness not beauty? Is the removal of pain not pleasure? And more importantly, U2 really are shit.” Continue reading
You can count the argument on one finger.
David Cameron, Ed Miliband and a small boy in shorts have promised to sell England to someone ‘swarthy and well-off’ to fund Scotland’s demand for a paradise.
While some in England may oppose such a move, no-one will know for sure because they don’t have a say in the matter.
“Scotland may hate Westminster, but Westminster loves Scotland”, said Cameron. “It makes Britain bigger, which in turn makes us more important.”
Cameron revealed that England, on the other hand, has Westminster in it. “I’m afraid that lot are stuck with us, so they’ll just have to lump it.”
Ed Miliband agreed. “A referendum would be pointless, it would be like a child voting to not have a lung. The lung would still be there, whether or not the rest of the body resented it.”
Following their takeover of the computer games firm Mojang, the makers of the popular game Minecraft, Microsoft have quickly started with the branding of the game by releasing their first mod, a helpful paper clip.
“We realised as soon as we took control of Minecraft that the help section was missing a little something,” Satya Nadella, the tech giant’s chief executive said.
“So we have brought back everyone favourite little unwanted helper from the 90s. It will use it’s old slap-dash approach to figure out what you might be doing and then offer you help with something completely different. It will keep the game interesting if anything.”
“I don’t care what you do. Just keep paying for me and mine.”
In a historical first for the House of Windsor the Queen has advocated the use of intellect. Yesterday she was asked for her opinion on the independence referendum and replied: “Well, I hope people will think very carefully about the future.” She then added “but as long as Bake Off gets another series One really doesn’t give one about anything else.” Continue reading
Wide-eyed and dangerous: the Daily Mail’s leader is a fanatic known only as Paul Dacre
Vicious tabloid the Daily Mail continues to wage war against us all with its tawdry and sensational coverage of world events. Today it has chosen to show pictures of the last moments of David Haines’ life before he was murdered by Isis. Continue reading
Many whisky companies have shown that ‘two can play at that game’, and warned that if Scotland remained part of the UK they may be forced to put their prices up for customers south of the border.
So far many companies have said Scots face price hikes if they gain independence however the distilleries have said a ‘no’ vote would force them to show they could ‘act like petulant twats as well’.
Even realistic woman-shaped crutches failed to sway the jury.
Oscar Pistorius has been hailed by the Equalities Commission for smashing the last taboo for disabled people.
After sort-of-standing trial for a crime typically associated with the able bodied, Pistorius has shown the world that the disadvantaged are just as capable of evil as the next man.
“This is a huge step forward in recognising that having a disability doesn’t exclude anyone for acting like a prick”, said commissioner Margaret Long. “You don’t have to have a full complement of limbs to shoot down a loved one in cold blood, and being differently abled no longer means cynically playing the victim card will definitely get you off. It may reduce the charge, but it won’t get you off.”
Before Pistorius stepped up to the mark and pretended to shoot a burglar, homicide had been considered by many to be the preserve of ‘normal’ people. “But the physically disabled can be mentals too, you don’t need toes to fire a gun”, revealed Long.
Filed under Crime, Society
Judge Masipa, the Judge delivering her verdict in the Oscar Pistorius murder trail has stated she may take two days to sum up the case and deliver the verdict, beating the current result delivery record held by The X-Factor’s Dermot O’Leary.
O’Leary has become well-known for dragging a result out for as long as possible for effect, often carrying it over two highly lucrative advertising breaks.
He likes big bombs and he cannot lie…
In a televised address last night Barack Obama announced his Bombing for Peace plan. Revealing he means to defeat Isis and bring stability to Syria and Iraq by using the mass application of deadly violence. Over the years Obama has become ever more hawkish in his foreign policy and is now the kind of man who if you asked him if he liked bombs and drone strikes would reply “yes, I really like bombs and drone strikes” and give himself a little hug just at the mere mention of them. Continue reading
Bono: we wouldn’t piss on ourselves if he was on fire…wait, is that right?
The Samaritans and emotional support charities across the world have reported their busiest ever twelve hours following iTunes automatically placing U2’s new album, Songs of Innocence, in everyone’s music libraries.
“I’d just about got over the initial shock, and the horror of U2 stealing an album title from William Blake,” Harold’s vicar Rev. Tansy Forster said to us, “when I realised that on my iTunes it says that I purchased it. Purchased! What if someone sees? Truly these are the End of Days.” Continue reading
iPhone 6 will feature pre-shattered screen, so owners can boast of being first to break one.
Apple has announced that the new iPhone 6 will make electronic purchases easier, so owners can splash out on must-have gadgets such as the forthcoming iPhone 7.
“When we were designing the iPhone 6, we asked ourselves ‘what do our customers really want?'” revealed CEO Tim Cook. “We quickly realised that what they desire most in the world is the future iPhone 7.”
The newish iPhone 6, available in lamb and bacon flavours, is compatible with most of the tills in Apple’s stores. Pundits predict that should help boost sales when the iPhone 7 is released in October.
Contingency plans are well advanced on both sides of the border in readiness to respond to the inevitable rush of economic migrants from Scotland in the event of a “Yes” vote for independence.
With Gordon Brown’s initiative to save the Union doomed by definition of it being a Gordon Brown initiative, the Coalition Government is treating the possible invasion of hordes of insurgent Scots, once reality kicks in and they realise they have nothing to live on other than pride, porridge and potatoes, as a real threat to the Disunited Kingdom.
Realising that his, as yet unveiled, programme of ethnic cleansing may frighten off second generation Scots, Alex Salmond is said to be keen to maintain border security. Continue reading
PC Flegg claimed that several moons had been reported in the area.
Monday night’s ‘super moon’ has left a trail of descruction, culminating in damage to Harold’s village church.
The enormous moon was spotted by concerned locals as early as 6.30pm, and police were called to try and persuade it to ‘nick off’.
PC Anita Flegg attempted to move it along, and was eventually forced to deploy her taser. But it continued to loiter, and leaned heavily on the church roof. Flegg claimed the moon was ‘completely unphased’.
Despite an empassioned speech by the Reverend Tansy Forster, the moon dislodged several tiles, before bending the pointed bit with a small cock on the top.
No, not your vital signs, it’s your stock market performance
Young brain tumour patient Ashya King has arrived in Prague after flying in from Malaga.
The centre reviewed Malaga hospital documents before Ashya travelled but need to see bank statements before determining his suitability for treatment.
Mr King is due to meet doctors at the Proton Therapy Centre to discuss options. A spokesman explained that their specialist intervention is not suitable for everyone, particularly poor people Continue reading
Clarence House have announced the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting their second child. Speaking about her good news Kate said: “Only another 238 to go and we can totally avoid the bedroom tax”.
Having their benefits cut for every free room in their tax-payer funded house has left the couple down to their last few million, with Prince William being forced to get a job, although to keep their benefits this may not have be declared.
Ironically, it’s the only union she didn’t try to break.
In a dramatic (and slightly gruesome) turn of events, former UK Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has risen from the dead to wade into the battle to save the Union.
As polls show the pro-independence campaign taking the lead for the first time, Tory chiefs have made the momentous decision to deploy their ultimate weapon: the Thatchernator.
Using the dark arts of necromancy and voodoo, which many of the upper House are experienced practitioners of, Better Together leaders claim they had ‘no choice’ but to reanimate their dead leader.
Brian Sewell has had the Tardis fitted with a library.
Brian Sewell has revealed that he’s been secretly reshooting the current series of Doctor Who, so Peter Capaldi can be dropped if Scotland votes to leave the UK.
For constitutional reasons, Scottish people will not be allowed on the BBC if Scotland becomes independent. They will join the French and the Germans on an internal list of ‘undesirables’.
But the scheduling of the eighth series of Doctor Who couldn’t have been worse for the corporation – if Scotland votes yes, Capaldi will be out before episode 6 has been aired.
“Obviously we won’t have time to film a ‘regeneration’ so we wanted to find someone else who was rude, elderly and pompous”, said the BBC’s Steven Moffat. “Brian Sewell immediately came to mind, so we drugged him and dragged him to the studio.”
“Where’s my bloody ball?”
Barack Obama’s surprise visit to Stonehenge was because he thought it was a golf course, according to reports from those present at the ancient stone circle.
“He strode out of the helicopter and asked where the first tee was” said English Heritage’s Stonehenge manager Kate Davies. “I thought he wanted a cuppa so I pointed him in the direction of the visitor centre.”
“Next thing I heard a loud bang and Obama muttering ‘bloody stones’.”
Badgers are ramping up their campaign of mass non-violent civil disobedience ahead of a new cull instigated by Defra.
“Last year’s cull was concluded to be neither effective nor humane by an independent expert panel,” Manky Kevin co-leader of Harold’s badger colony told us. “Makes the government pretty special thinkers to know that and decide the answer is to shoot at us some more. The solution to Noel Edmonds isn’t having him on TV all the time, is it? Less is more with bullets, and with beardies.” Continue reading
Big enough to carry you out into the fresh air if he has to
In a landmark ruling Harold internet addict, Steph Jacobson, has been awarded her own service dog. It is now expected that hundreds of thousands of other similarly afflicted Britons will be getting their own dog under the World Wide Woof scheme. Continue reading
“It’s not fair. The worst thing that happened to George W was a pretzel.”
Currently held captive by the Nato summit Barack Obama has spoken of his despair on being trapped in South Wales.
“I was told that people here shared our language and ideals,” he said. “But why is everything ‘tidy’ and what’s the meaning of that giant red wave on the waterfront?” Continue reading
Rivers in 1960, 1976 and 2014.
Joan Rivers has died, aged 85, 34, 21, 15, 5, and 6 months, according to which part of her body was being assessed by the duty pathologist.
Doctors treating the outspoken comedienne disclosed that although her heart and brain had given up years ago, they had managed to keep her mouth going for the past decade fed on scraps of indiscriminate material gleaned from the tabloid press.
Born early in the last millennium, Joan Cruella Rivers became more famous for her extensive plastic surgery regime than her sharp tongued wit, especially after her tongue was enhanced in the late nineties. She once quipped ‘I come under the surgeon’s knife more often than most women come under their husbands’
Citizens of countries represented at the NATO meeting in Wales have come up with a radical idea to protect themselves from the dangers of ISIS. They have requested a militarised ring of steel similar to the one protecting their leaders from a few protesters while they discuss the best way to protect their countries.
So good to be back in Scotland.
Aides close to Ed Miliband were rallying around the gaffe prone Labour leader after he surprisingly arrived in Cardiff to deliver his first major speech on the vote for Scottish independence.
Although officials tried to explain away the obvious error by saying that Miliband was in Cardiff to be available in the unlikely event that NATO leaders wanted to consult with him, the explanation seems to be that the Opposition leader was under the mistaken belief that Cardiff was in Scotland.
The situation wasn’t helped when upon arriving at Cardiff Airport, Miliband, wearing a specially made Kinnock clan tartan tie to show solidarity with the local population, asked where he could buy some Edinburgh rock as a souvenir. Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Nigella will gnaw off the blue bits if Scotland votes for independence.
A village post office has finally updated its stock of gifts – out go tea towels, and in come souvenir dishwasher tablets.
Complete with a commemorative range of rinse aids and 3 kilo sacks of salt, Harold will once again rekindle holiday memories while people wash up the pots.
“Some of these tea towels have been here for nearly ten years”, admitted post mistress Nigella Bunting. “For some reason, visitors don’t want to associate our village with ball-aching drudgery. So I came up with the idea of upgrading to these 2-in-1 gel bags: they wash plates while they remind you of visiting here by accident on that day when the M1 was closed.”
Tony Blair won the GQ Philanthropist of the Year award and picked up his prize in person.
In his acceptance speech he said. “I would like to dedicate this award to the people that work with and for my organisations. I feel the pulse of progress beating a little harder.” Continue reading
White House aides have confirmed that any further response to the Isis Crisis has been postponed until the FBI, CIA and other intelligence agencies have apprehended the person responsible for the publication of nude photographs of celebrities without their permission.
“We appreciate that celebrities flaunt their flesh at any opportunity for the delight of their adoring public, but it’s an entirely different thing when this is done without permission and the celebrity is unable to receive payment,” said an official, “this threatens the entire basis of Western Civilisation, far more than the Islamic State which is miles away anyway.”
Already wrong: about to be made wronger.
David Cameron has given his unconditional support to a new set of rules that will punish those that kill others, or try to ruin things with explosives.
The controversial new approach will give MPs the opportunity to express outrage and concern, and reassure voters that everything is very much under control.
While some radicalised critics have pointed out that murder and terrorism are already illegal under archaic rules, the prime minister insisted that shiny new laws are better than dusty old ones.
“Nothing prevents sickening carnage like rafts of new legisture”, beamed Cameron. “I have in my hand a white paper.”
The average UK fear level
Frustrated by the UK population’s inability to be scared stupid, the Home Secretary has announced that the government has raised the UK threat level to Eeeep! Meaning that a terrorist attack is deffo totes likely, p’raps, ish, maybe. Continue reading
The 1970s – just one of the decades in which people were born.
Are you a child of the 1970s? Did you grow up in one of the UK’s favourite decades? Bathe in nostalgia as our top five list takes you back down memory lane!
1 – Milk. Ah! Milk! Can you remember milk? This off-white fluid was drained from cows by the bucketload, and snapped up by shoppers in exchange for money. Perhaps you drank it, or wore vials of it as a status symbol. It proved so popular, some still buy it today!
2 – Television. It had been around for a while, but tvs were still available in the 70s. Right through from January 1970, to the very end of 1979. Like today, it bought household names right into our living rooms: household names we would later realise were notorious paedophiles.
3 – Shoes. You weren’t anyone in the 70s without a set of shoes to speak of. Perhaps you had more than one, or as many as six? Worn on the feet, they made walking a real possibility. Tell that to kids these days and they just won’t believe you.
4 – Thursdays. A week in the 70s wasn’t a proper week unless there was a Thursday in it! Along with Tuesdays and Wednesdays, Thursdays survive to this day, despite campaigners at the time calling for a three-day week. Not to be confused with Flimsday, which was discontinued in 1978.
5 – School. Like a big house nearby where you went to learn things, many children in the 1970s whiled away their days in a ‘school’. There were no teachers back then of course: just a cobweb-filled basement. And an elderly man in his underpants who would poke you with Kitkats.
“Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth…”
After declining to give an opinion on the referendum Andy Murray has finally acknowledged that if Scotland becomes independent then he will be just as gloomy playing tennis wearing a Saltire as he ever has been wearing a Union Flag. Continue reading
The hanging Judge: “I’m not wearing any pants”
A furious judge, resplendent in silver-buckled patent leather shoes, gave a lawyer a public dressing down yesterday, for looking like ‘something out of Harry Potter’.
Brushing specks of imaginary dust from his frilly white ruff, Judge Davd Wynn Morgan tore into solicitor-advocate Alan Blacker, who had sewn ribbons and St John Ambulance medals onto his robes.
“If you want to look like something out of Harry Potter, don’t come into my court again” sneered Judge Morgan, tugging down on his black tights Continue reading
If you want to succeed in showbiz, kid, you’ll need a whole new image. That Daily Mail sidebar of shame doesn’t fill itself.
Simon Cowell has defended lowering the X-Factor’s age limit to toddlers, denying it’s just an exploitative ratings grab.
“This decision has been made in order to create the best show,” Cowell said, with the air of a man flogging a dead horse at the bottom of a barrel. “Obviously we wouldn’t just let any three year old through. They have to be mentally up for it and talented enough, and also fully toilet trained.” Continue reading
Despite his return last Saturday, Dr Who has been unable to prevent the terror level in the UK rising from ‘substantial’ to ‘severe’.
Home Secretary Theresa May said: “Early indications show the decision to replace the previous Dr with an older model for his latest attempts to save the world hasn’t dampened al-Qaeda’s willingness to harm the UK.
“They have also cottoned on to the fact that as modern day terrorists, they are low down on the time lord’s watch list behind statues, Daleks, Cybermen, and killer droids.”
The ‘severe’ threat level is the fourth highest of five. Any further risk may see the risk rise to an unprecedented ‘quick, to the Tardis, it’s first come first served’ level.
The new rating means that an attack from human-based baddies is ‘highly likely’, but a spokeswoman for the Dr said that is not really ‘his thing’.
“Dr Who, no matter which incarnation, has never really been into local earth terrorists instead preferring to deal with the more space, time and sci-fi type,” Clara Oswald explained.
“Some people think this is a little selfish seeing as religious fundamentalists are this country’s biggest threat. But you’d choose the same if your travelling options are between the Tardis to a far away planet or parallel universe or an Easyjet flight to Baghdad.”
With Douglas Carswell defecting to Ukip and forcing a by-election, but Ukip’s current candidate Roger Lord refusing to step aside, the electorate in Clacton have been left in enviable position of having two Ukip candidates not to vote for.
“This is a Tory safe seat,” one voter told us, “and I can’t see that changing, it’s just now we have two Ukip candidate to laugh at then ignore on the ballot paper.”
Filed under News, Politics
‘Passport? Check. Sun cream? Check. Unlimited ammunition? Check’
Vladimir Putin has warned the west that should it continue to interfere with the situation in Ukraine, he can deploy some more highly trained holidaymakers armed with passports, sun cream, and unlimited ammunition within 45 minutes.
“Obviously I know nothing about them crossing the border,” Putin said, “but I do know that Russian holidaymakers take their holidays very seriously, especially when they are on holiday from military duty and in an area that Russia is keen to control.
“I’d’ve shown her the world, as long as it’s on Netflix.”
With the news that the stunningly good looking full time charity workers and occasional movie stars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married this weekend the pathetic and lonely have come to realise that they were never in with a chance to begin with. Continue reading
Glasgow city centre July 2015 if the Yes campaign prevails
Eerie reminder to be careful what you wish for; Gordon Brown has issued a dire warning aimed at those intending to vote for Scotland to become independent. Speaking at an event in support of the Better Together campaign the former Prime Minister announced that in an independent Scotland it will always be winter but never Christmas. He also claimed that inequality and poverty could “survive until doomsday”. Continue reading
Manchester United reacted to its poor start to the season by obtaining a super injunction in the High Court to supress all mention of its results.
Assistant Manager Ryan Giggs justified the super injunction saying that a number of Man U players and coaching staff were very highly paid professionals, and their reputations could be ruined if it emerged that the team had lost, say by four goals, to some 3rd tier team or other.
Have you been told by your employers that tattoos are unacceptable? Well, hope is at hand thanks to Harold tattooist Dave Zhou who has invented a technique which provides perfect invisible tattoos, which means you can have a tattoo anywhere you like without your boss being able to see it.
Being a police officer, PC Anita Flegg had been unable to display even the tiniest of tattoos until now, so she was one of Dave Zhou’s first customers when he advertised the new product. She is delighted with the results.
“It’s been a real bore not being able to have tats like my mates,” she told the Evening Harold, “but now, thanks to Dave’s skills, I’m thrilled to have a tattoo on my forehead which reads ‘Make my day, punk’ which I know is there but no one can see, so I can’t get into trouble at work. It’s so empowering.” Continue reading
Filed under Lifestyle, News
Handy guide for Police stop & search decisions
The Police Federation has rowed back on its welcome for the stop & search Code of Conduct, which at first they’d mistakenly taken to be a ‘colour code’.
“To say we’re disappointed would be an understatement” said spokesperson John Bigot
“We’d even had a batch of Dulux-type colour charts made for new officers, to take the guesswork out of their racism until they’re up to speed.”
A suspicion that a citizen might not have generations of English born ancestors, dating back to 1066, will no longer be sufficient to justify Continue reading