An artist’s impression of the UKIP moat
UKIP leader Nigel Farage today suggested the building of a giant moat around Britain to stop migrants entering the UK.
“If we make the moat at least 20 miles wide and pretty deep, and throw in a few sharks and pollutants in the water for good measure, I think you’ll find the migrant problem is solved” beamed Farage.
Farage said the moat needed to be all the way round Britain to thwart those trying to enter from Ireland and Norway, as well as from France. Farage noted it probably wasn’t necessary to have a moat between England and Scotland, but if the Scots continued being uppity, he’d consider a wall.
Down with this sort of thing
Kremlin insiders have revealed that Russian President Vladimir Putin spends most of his evenings fearlessly trawling through the internet to find gay porn websites, so that he can have them blocked by his IT experts to prevent normal citizens from having to see them.
Russia is considering a ban on “gay emojis” – small cartoon pictures of people who happen to be the same sex – out of understandable fear that the tiny images might turn everyone homosexual.
The Russian president, however, has taken the further step of identifying every gay porn site on the web, the better to have them removed from the county’s internet.
“His stamina is incredible,” gushed one Kremlin insider. “He has investigated nearly every man-on-man site accessible from Moscow, at least the ones where the videos don’t take too long to download. We see him staggering down from his office in the mornings, barely able to hold himself upright.”
“Here is a man who can take it like few other men could.”
Putin’s enormous appetite for information has seen him exhaust the vast majority of the world’s gay porn, forcing the Kremlin to establish its own movie studio to produce enough output for the President’s continued researches.
Not content with saving Russia from cartoons and porn, Putin is now said to be seriously looking into whether western culture in general is putting the country at risk, and in the interests of research has purchased a Village People album, a pair of leather chaps and, confusingly, the box set of Mission Impossible films
I quite like Tony if anyone’s interested.
From Allah to Zeus, from Acan to Zinsi, religious types like to name their gods. Except Christians! ‘Blessed be thy name’ goes their favourite prayer, but what is it? Well now their prayers will be answered, as this summer sees the launch of an international campaign to give the world’s favourite omnipotent being a name.
Cecilia was a ‘one off’, although her sister was a chicken bucket.
A dental hygienist has caused international outrage after eating a much-loved factory chicken called Cecilia.
Cecilia had lived to the ripe-old age of 34 days, before she was cut down in her prime fillets.
Loved by everyone who had seen a picture of her on Instagram just after her death, Cecilia was brutally killed to fulfil hygienist Wesley Evan’s sick desires.
“I felt the Holy water running down my leg”
A resident of Harold has told how he visited the bathroom, after being compelled to urinate by a ‘call from God’.
Arnold Delaney revealed that last Thursday had been like any other day, although he had eaten two eggs for breakfast.
“I’d also consumed a second cup of coffee”, said Delaney. “And that’s when my true calling was revealed unto myself, Lord-ways.”
“The dentist can rest assured he won’t feel a thing”
An online fundraising campaign raised over $100,000 to send a pride of Zimbabwean lions to Minnesota to hunt US dentist Walter Palmer.
Palmer attracted widespread notoriety for paying $50,000 to hunt and kill Cecil the lion, and so Harold schoolboy Simon Delenay set up a fundraising page to allow the lions a chance to even up the score.
Corbyn’s disguise was ‘almost fool-proof’.
An undercover police officer who infiltrated the Labour leadership contest has been named as Jeremy Corbyn.
Corbyn, who has three other families through his work with Greenpeace, Amnesty International and the Beard Liberation Front, has gone back to his fishing village now his cover is blown.
“I can confirm that PC ‘Corbyn’ has worked for the Special Demonstration Squad since 1983″, said the Met’s superintendent Latechild. “Unfortunately on this occasion, he’s overstretched his remit.”
Filed under Police, Politics
Post a Minion quote and this is what you’re actually telling the world
Villager Pauline Regan is now in her thirteenth week of using social media solely to post Minion quotes leaving friends and family concerned for her welfare, and wondering if she’ll ever regain her sense of humour. Continue reading
HBO, creators of gritty and supremely violent shows such as Game of Thrones, The Wire, and Spartacus have turned to an unlikely source for their next tits ‘n’ exposition spectacular, James Herriot’s All Creatures Great and Small, promising that their show will be ‘sexier and glossier’ than the beloved BBC adaptation. We’ve managed to obtain the first three scenes from the script of the pilot episode and publish them here so readers can decide if this version will be as glorious as a night in the Drover’s Arms or if it should be sent to Jeff Mallock’s yard immediately. Continue reading
Disappointingly, all of the performers survived.
Villagers who paid to watch a so-called ‘Wall of Death’ have reacted angrily after a rider was left with only a broken collar bone.
Members of the public paid over £2 each to watch the spectacle at the summer fete, but were disappointed by the superficial nature of the injury.
The Wall of Death is a traditional attraction, in which motorcyclists ride around a circular shed until someone is killed.
“My friend Simon said that he watched it last year, and a man’s head came off”, said Bobby Evans, 9. “But all I saw was a guy whose arm went a bit floppy. His bone wasn’t even sticking out through his leathers.”
“Psst, could you do that more quietly? No-one else knows you’re down there.”
The Sun on Sunday has revealed how two otherwise respectable prostitutes were involved in sleazy drug-fuelled sex romp with former Labour Minister Lord Sewel.
Speaking from underneath another client this morning, one of the women said she felt betrayed by Sewel’s silence about his day job.
“I assumed he was a drug dealer or a pimp” said ‘Janice’ “so I was disgusted to find that he was in the House of Lords. Would you excuse me, just got to finish…” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics, Sex
“Trees, I see lots and lots of trees”
HMRC have scooped the prestigious ‘Missing Woods for the Trees’ award after launching a huge crackdown on people who make money buying and selling on eBay, while simultaneously failing to notice that there is an entity called eBay avoiding zillions in tax.
The eBay seller crackdown is expected to be followed by an HMRC campaign to tax beggars collecting money in Starbucks cups.
Filed under Business, News
Wayne still waiting to hear back from Mensa
The National Rifle Association say if it wasn’t for today’s US cinema shooter having a gun to shoot himself with, many more lives would have been at risk.
“Imagine if he went into that cinema armed with just a baseball bat, he would have found it almost impossible to bash himself to death” reasoned NRA spokesman Wayne Einstein.
Elderly shop assistant Elsie Duggan had the shock of her life yesterday when she discovered a family of illegal migrants hidden in a crate of bananas.
“Oooh it was horrible,” she said, still trembling at the memory. “Almost as soon as I ripped open the case, they started to force their way out and scattered to all corners. There were loads of them. I’m amazed that they could move so fast after being cooped up in there so long. There were arms and legs everywhere!” Continue reading
Like the Lenin hat, Jeremy!
The competence of the Labour Party has been questioned once again after it was announced that leadership hopefuls, Liz Kendall, Yvette Cooper and Andy Burnham had all withdrawn from the contest in favour of Andy Burnham, Yvette Cooper and Liz Kendall.
Driven by a combined fear that Jeremy Corbyn might have an outside chance of becoming the next Labour leader if someone didn’t step down from the contest, each of the prospective leaders fell upon their swords leaving the grizzled leftie a shoo-in for the leadership.
“It’s even worse than the Miliband debacle,” said one veteran Labour activist. “They’ve all pulled out and in seconds have collectively set the Party back by thirty five years without a single bacon roll in sight.” Continue reading
Police warned the attack could make BMWs drive predictably.
BMW owners have been warned that they’re vulnerable to attack by hackers, after an owner reported that his car had been overcome by mystery flashing lights.
Using a computer to access the vehicle’s Infotainment system, hackers activated some redundant old code and let other road users know where the hell it was going.
Derek Hostage was driving his BMW X6 when the attack happened, and explained how the lights came on as he was cutting up an ambulance.
“The lights completely took me by surprise”, claimed Hostage, “so I swerved into a bus stop and stuck my fingers up at the waiting queue.”
Gove frowns on abuse of the key trust system.
Justice secretary Michael Gove has announced that once a prison smoking ban is introduced, inmates will be allowed to light up outside.
Prisons are currently exempt from restrictions on smoking indoors, but this could be reversed to safeguard the health of prison officers.
“Just like nurses and office workers, prison customers will have to go just outside the main entrance if they want to smoke”, said Gove. “The ones I’ve spoken to seemed surprisingly open to the idea.”
Could you just spoon with us and tell us that everything’s going to be all right?
As current events seem to more and more resemble the nastier bits of a Brueghel painting, the entire world has decided to give up, stick its head in the sand, and simply concentrate on Kit Harington’s hair from now on.
The actor’s tremendous locks are generating an increasing amount of headlines as everyone clings to news of its length and whereabouts as the only thing they can understand in these dark and confusing times. Continue reading