UK launches home-testing kit for arseholism

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Test is simple and quick.

A scientist from Harold has launched a home testing kit, allowing people to diagnose whether or not they’re an arsehole.

The condition is widespread and can make those affected insufferable, but until now, it’s been hard to self-diagnose.

Local GP Dr Evans is the brains behind the kit, which he’s expecting to sell in large numbers.

“Not directly to those with arseholism, obviously”, clarified Evans. “None of them have a clue that they’re ill.”

“But work colleagues can chip in and present an arsehole with a test kit, as a hint that there might be a problem.”
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Farage insists foreign aid ‘should put British earthquakes first’

farage

UKIP would issue everyone in Kent with an emergency flag.

Nigel Farage has condemned ‘media bias’ for encouraging the government to give foreign aid to Nepal.

Britain has pledged £5 million to the earthquake-ravaged region, money that could be ‘better spent’ on a British earthquake, if one were to happen.

UKIP opposes spending on foreign aid, because its members don’t read the ‘World’ section of newspapers.

“By shamelessly reporting about foreign countries, the media is encouraging Britons to care. And that’s not something UKIP thinks we can afford to do”, said Farage.

“I don’t see Nepal giving money to people in Thurrock who may or may not be trapped in an avalanche”, he revealed. “And that can only be for one reason: they have a news blackout.”
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Harold’s last traditional Wind Farm faces closure as wind prices hit all time low.

British Wind for British People

British Wind for British People

There is concern among Harold residents that the recent decline in European wind prices may force the village’s last remaining wind farm to cease production.

Wind products have been a major source of income for the village with exports in excess of five million cubic metres being shipped to Scotland each year alone. Continue reading

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Cameron promises wife ‘smaller dishes pile and less net dust’

"Coming soon - these birds won't antagonise themselves""

“Coming soon – these birds won’t antagonise themselves””

In a bid to get wife Sam to stick with him for another term, David Cameron promised he will attack the dishes pile and really get on top of the dust despite not making much progress on either of these chores over the last 5 years.

“Gordon left a huge mountain of dishes when he left number 10 and I’ve done really well to stop the pile getting too much bigger” explained the PM.

“And the percentage of dirty to clean dishes has actually decreased over my watch, due to a clever quantitative easing approach I call ‘buying new dishes’.”
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CORRECTIONS: Cameron clarifies soccerball allegiance

cameron with wine

“And a Steak Pie & chips my good man and make it snappy; the fourth quarter is about to start”

Well know sports enthusiast and part-time Prime Minister, David Cameron, has been discussing his ability to support multiple teams such as England, UK and GB “For instance, I’m a true-blue West Ham fan but that doesn’t stop me supporting Liverpool Rangers when they’re competing in the Eurasian Cup.”

The Prime Minister’s spokeman  later clarified that in fact Mr Cameron is a Villa fan and must have suffered from Brain Fade when referring to his support for ‘The West Hamsters.

“I’ve supported Villa Rovers since I was a lad” said the old Etonian; “nothing like standing at The Shed end singing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ to the world-famous recording by Freddie and the Dreamers.”

“Happy Days eh? Oh look, another spontaneous low-brow cultural reference! The Fonce was my absolute favourite, with his shaven head and lollipop sucking. ‘Who loves ya baby’ – I just loved that catchphrase.”

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Pensioners warned of cold calling con-artists with Westminster accents

osborne

“I would happily have you boiled down and sold for glue.”

Local police have warned against scam artists using condescending accents after receiving a spate of complaints.

“There have been several cases of plausible individuals door-stepping pensioners in the area”, said PC Flegg. “They appear uninvited, sometimes following an unsolicited brochure, email or telephone call.”

“Having made contact, they then apply pressure to take up an offer, saying it’s only available for a short period of time. They’re clever and convincing, but the old adage applies: if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”
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David Cameron growing beard to chase youth vote

David_Cameron_beard

Cutting edge

Prime Minister David Cameron has spent the last few weeks secretly growing a beard in a desperate attempt to capture the ‘hipster’ trend sweeping the nation, it emerged today.

The real reason for Cameron avoiding the recent TV dates has been revealed to be nothing to do with being a great big coward with indefensible policies – instead it is simply that the Prime Minister has not wanted to risk unveiling his fledgling growth until its development is beyond ridicule.

“Our researchers tell us that this new ‘hipster’ movement is the key to really getting down with the young generation,” a Downing Street spokesman explained. “These young ‘hepcats’ are going to look at David’s facial hair and see something of themselves in it.”

The suggestion that Cameron might actually be a little bit late in jumping on the hipster bandwagon was rejected by the Prime Minister: “I’m hip and I’m hop, and if the beard doesn’t convince you, wait until you see my amazing new pair of red trousers!” he insisted.

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Joy as Ed Balls passes GCSE maths

ed balls

Balls will now concentrate on trying to learn from history.

Ed Balls has given the Labour election campaign a powerful boost, after announcing he has finally passed GCSE maths.

The shadow chancellor has resat the tough exam 32 times, “which is an even number”, the newly-confident maths-whizz revealed.

But it was 30-ish times lucky for Balls, who finally has a ‘strong pass’ in one of the key qualifications any economist would strive for.

“We’ve put it on the fridge, so visiting dignitaries can see it”, said Balls. “Alex Salmond was so impressed, he gave me two pounds to spend on sweets. Just think, I could buy a penny chew every day for a year.”
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Refugee tragedy: search widened in hunt for someone to blame

floater

Another person of no fixed address is spotted.

Members of the EC have called an emergency search and rescue meeting, to look for some safe moral highground.

Reputations have been dashed like a small dinghy against a rescue ship, but so far, no-one else has been found responsible for the deaths of hundreds of refugees.

“We thought of blaming the victims, but that didn’t go down well at all”, said Jean-Claude Juncker. “So now we’re hoping to target the people smugglers.”

“But they insist they are only responding to market forces and that someone else created the demand in the first place. And quite frankly, that’s outside of our remit.”
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Village chubster ‘buoyed’ that exercise doesn’t reduce weight

fishandchipsHarold’s fattest man, Billy McKean, has welcomed today’s news that physical activity does not reduce obesity.

The British Journal of Sports Medicine says it’s time to “bust the myth” about exercise.

Most Villagers will know that McKean starred in the TV documentary ‘Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog’ and has himself done extensive research.

“If they’d only asked me first” says Billy “I could have saved them a lot of time. Are you going to eat all those chips?”

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Girl unfamiliar with Disney’s ‘Frozen’ taken into care

ElsaIn a shocking case of neglect, a young girl who had not heard of the movie ‘Frozen’ was taken into care by Dunstable Social Services.

Concern was first aroused when Ella Evans, 8, entered the St Marys school talent quest and sang a song that wasn’t ‘Let it go’. Then, during a cold snap, Ella expressed indifference after an invitation to build a snowman. The final straw came during school dress-up day when Ella wore a blue dress but insisted she was Marie Curie.
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Police remove number-making equipment from home of ‘Flash Crash’ trader

forensics

‘Something about him didn’t add up’.

Forensic officers have removed sack-fulls of numbers from the house of a rogue trader with a foreign-sounding name.

Navinder Singh’s home contained maths-making equipment, capable of producing sums or a ‘dirty equation’.

Neighbours said Singh pretty much kept himself to himself.

“He was a quiet man, not the sort of chap you’d ever suspect of doing maths”, said one. “We did hear him tapping away at a keyboard occasionally, but assumed he was only using the letters.”

Detectives suggested he could have been radicalised by the Open University.

“I don’t trust that lot”, said PC Flegg, “what with their weird clothes and beards.”

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Osborne ‘bailout’ for Tesco ‘will keep riffraff out of Waitrose’

tescoFollowing a disastrous loss of over £6bn, Tesco could face being nationalised by the chancellor.

George Osborne insisted that the store was ‘too big to fail’, particularly in towns where the ‘scum’ might end up in Waitrose.

“If there’s an Asda down the road, then it’s hardly a problem”, said Osborne. “There’s plenty of room for more of the little people in there.”

“But what if they neighbour a Booths, Marks and Spencers, or Waitrose? Let me assure you, I won’t let them eat brioche.”
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Did Ed Balls write ‘Ed Balls’ on SNP Wiki page?

Ed Balls

Ed Balls

Labour’s top mathematician has been accused of editing the wikipedia entry for Nicola Sturgeon, after his name was spotted in several places on her page.

The shadow chancellor admitted to perusing her slot, but only to find out if she’d said anything nice about him.

“I was reading her entry, trying to find out if she likes me, when I suddenly found myself in a ‘text altering’ situation”, said Balls.

“Obviously, this was in between some routine searches for my own name in Google, and I think somewhere along the line, that search engine screwed up.”
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AC/DC drummer sentenced to Whitesnake

philruddPhil Rudd, the drummer for AC/DC, has been sentenced to three years in Whitesnake.

Rudd pleaded guilty to charges of threatening to kill a former employee, but denied possessing a copy of the single “Is this Love”.

“Clearly, that must have been planted by someone”, said Rudd. “And if I find out who it was, I’ll have them ki…ssed?”

Amnesty International has condemned the punishment, and called for it to be commuted to a fortnight in Def Leppard.

“Until now, Rudd hasn’t had a criminal record”, said his lawyer Bruce Grobellaar. “Although he admits the stuff they released in the ’90s came close.”

Life in Whitesnake is known to be incredibly harsh: some who have served it end up taking their own hearing.

“It’s the thought of solitary confinement that scares me the most”, admitted Rudd. “We never had that in AC/DC. Imagine being on my own for what…7 or 8 minutes? Just banging away, with not so much as a bass line. And all the while you’re thrashing away at the solo, there’s the threat that when it ends, David Coverdale will come back out.”

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Get your tits in for the girls: shirtless men ordered to stop wandering streets

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Shirtless blokes, this is not what you look like

The village council has passed a new law ordering men to cover-up when mooching around during the heatwave on account of no one wanting to be confronted by shirtless horror while innocently trying to do a little shopping.

“The High Street isn’t the beach,” said Mayor Rufus D. Jackson. “And the garden of the Squirrel Lickers is not the gym. Villagers have the right to be about their business without having moobs, scrawn, fur, horrible tattoos, spots, and distressing combinations of all five shoved in their faces with all the force and grotesqueness of Katie Hopkins’ opinion on migrants crossing the Med.” Continue reading

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African people: a pictorial guide

What Katie Hopkins thinks they are:

cockroaches

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Nigel Farage thinks they are: Continue reading

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Sturgeon to breastfeed Miliband

Nicola-SturgeonNicola Sturgeon says the SNP will be a positive influence in a Coalition government with Labour, and she will breastfeed and toilet Ed Miliband until he is old enough to start taking care of himself.

“The Tories can scare-monger all they like but what could be more natural than Ed suckling from my left nipple while we form policy? It is certainly better than some tired old formula” said a glowing Sturgeon.
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Four injured as Gogglebox cast watch themselves watching Gogglebox

leon

Leon paused the bit where Leon was on, to try and catch a glimpse of his cock.

Popular tv show tv show Gogglebox is under investigation by police after deliberately showing Gogglebox families Gogglebox families watching Gogglebox.

“Oh no, I can’t stand this guy”, said Leon, just as Leon said “oh no, I can’t stand this guy”. That was the moment his wife noticed he was flickering on and off.

Four of the stars are now so shallow, their opinions hardly matter at all. “They’re in an observation ward”, explained Channel 4 spokesman Harry Tubes. “The doctor says they’re not serious, but still very watchable.”
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McLaren F1 announces new AA sponsorship

button aa

The AA managed to perform a tyre change in under 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Jenson Button is delighted with the performance of his Honda Civic powered McLaren F1 car and the new AA sponsorship. “The AA has made me a priority case. If they can’t fix the car track-side within 30 minutes they’ll tow me back to the pits. Which will help save fuel and be good for my lap times too.”

The AA link-up is new for Button but he has a long history with Honda, having been blessed by their previous F1 effort until 2008. “When Honda quit, the team had a small party then lashed together a new car with Mercedes power, which sadly won me the 2009 title.”

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