Ed Milliband needs to win at least 67 more seats to get into Downing Street

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Ed Milliband needs to win at least 67 more seats to get into Downing Street

Labour has a fight on its hands to win the General Election, as it needs to gain 67 MPs to get an overall majority.

Ed Miliband will be hoping to win back many of the seats the party lost in 2010, and will also need to take some big scalps to get into Downing Street. Continue reading

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Bilbo Baggins throws his ring in with Labour.

Put a ring on this Cameron.

Put a ring on this Cameron.

Diminutive pot smoking, dragon baiting, hole dwelling dwarf fancier Bilbo Baggins has come out in support of the Labour Party for this year’s general election.

The pint sized adventurer has made a special video outlining why he believes Labour can win on trolling day 7th May 2015.

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, Election 2015, Election 2015, Labour, Politics, Tony Blair, Uncategorized

Facebook to pay all users a basic minimum wage

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Simultaneously using two Facebook accounts on two separate devices: slacker

Facebook has announced that it will pay its 1.39 billion users a basic minimum wage from now on in acknowledgement of the fact that their current business model is starting to look too much like slavery. Continue reading

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EXCLUSIVE! Local greengrocer ‘won’t quit’

carrot (1)

A carrot

A greengrocer in Harold has angrily denied that he’s quitting, and instead vowed to continue in his role.

Defiantly operating his till and a sort of weighing contraption to the left of it, Dominic Evans of ‘Evans Vegetables and Sons’ faced up to a string of customers, one at a time.

The move to stay put comes quickly after the departure of Cllr Ron Ronsson: he brushed past our reporter carrying a melon and some carrots.

Despite the ‘cash for fruit’ controversy, no-one has actually called for Evans to leave. But they will do, once a journalist gets to the front of the queue. “What on earth are talking about?” demanded Evans. “Where the f*** would I go?”, before adding “do you want those potatoes or not?”

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Was pilot’s mental decline triggered by sprinkles shortage? ponders Daily Mail

Ice_cream_van_

Sorry son, we’re out of sprinkles, would a ’99’ do?

A man who stood next to Andreas Lubitz in an ice cream van queue, after a hectic game of football, has revealed that Lubitz had looked ‘a little wild-eyed and dishevelled’.

“At the time, I wondered if he might, later in life, become a pilot then kill himself and commit murder by crashing his aircraft into an Alp” said Gerhard Flumpf. Flumpf now regrets dismissing it as a random thought. By the time they were back in school on Monday he’d completely forgotten about it; until twenty one years later, when the 27 year old Lubitz did exactly as feared and a posse of journalists arrived in his home town waving cheque books.

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Queen will join Windsor Castle workers on the picket line

imageFollowing the news staff at Windsor Castle are balloting for strike action over working conditions, the Queen has said if there is a yes vote, she will join them on the picket line.

“All we want is a living wage” one worker explained, “which if you own this castle is about £40m a year and a few rent-free houses”
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Police take threat ‘not to buy tv licence’ seriously

tv licenceAn anonymous threat to not buy a television licence is being treated as ‘serious’ by police.

“We received a tip-off by email that a member of the public was planning to switch on an appliance, without having the appropriate paperwork”, said Harold’s PC Flegg.

“As soon as I read it, I put my Taser on charge and had a couple of practice shots at a potato on my sofa”, said Flegg. “I knew it was perfectly safe, because I don’t need permission to use it. Unlike my television, which costs me £145.50 a year before I can legally operate it.”

A psychological profiler thinks they’re looking for a man in their 40s, who likes cars or has a history of using one. He may also be uninterested in cooking competitively, and has possibly never knitted a bee.
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Search for a coherent Ukip policy finally called off

Fern-the-spaniel

At last, Flight Lieutenant Waggy-Tail can take a break

RAF Search and Rescue (SARF) have confirmed that they’ve called off the nationwide hunt for a Ukip policy that’s even vaguely realistic.

“The search has been a coordinated effort involving military and civilian professionals as well as dedicated volunteers,” said SARF Force Commander, Group Captain Abi McLean. “However the time has come to admit that all anyone’s found is unworkable nonsense and that there’s no chance anything sustainable and well-thought-out could’ve survived this long within Ukip.” Continue reading

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Lib Dems launch election campaign: nation consumed by joy

mall_1884052c

“Nick! Nick! Nick!”

Gathering places all over the UK are today thronged with delirious well-wishers do due to the Lib Dems officially launching their election campaign.

“It’s what we’ve all been waiting for,” yelled a drunken reveller in the crowd at Trafalgar Square. “The Lib Dems on the streets, promising anything and everything so they can stay in power.” Continue reading

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Dermot O’Leary to host Bland Gear

oleary

An inanimate object, in front of a racing car.

Evergrey favourite Dermot O’Leary has been chosen by the BBC to host a new show about the mundanity of transport.

Fun-tolerating Dermot, 61, welcomed his new challenge, and has pledged to own a car in the near future.

“This is an exciting time”, said O’Leary, with 13.53pm in mind.

“A lot of the 350 million worldwide viewers of Top Gear were put off by its shameless entertainment, and that’s something I’m here to nip in the bud.”

Dermot is looking forward to presenting his update of ‘a star in a reasonably underpowered car’, where the aim is to use the least fuel in an unfilmed lap of the track.
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Panic as tabloids claim crashing a plane is a common symptom of depression

MyCard_The_Joker

Exactly what everyone with a mental illness is like according to the Murdoch/Rothermere press

The village of Harold is at panic stations due to the revelations in the media that taking your own life and those of 150 passengers by crashing a plane is a common symptom of depression.

“I never knew!” wailed Dominic Delaney on his break from working in his café Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! “I was diagnosed with clinical depression six years ago and have been taking fluoxetine ever since. I’ve never felt the slightest urge to harm anyone but now I’ve read seen the headlines in today’s papers I realise that I am a monster who must be stopped.” Continue reading

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Leaders’ debate live blog – as it happened

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Elton John to sing ‘Candle in the wind’ at Richard III’s funeral

elton

Available in the foyer or on download

At Leicester Cathedral today, Elton John will play yet another version of ‘Candle in the wind’.

“Funnily enough” said the Cabbage Patch doll of Pop “it debuted at Richard III’s first funeral and Bernie agreed we should wheel it out again for this one.”

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‘Not being allowed to punch someone at work, it’s PC gone mad’. The Internet reacts to Clarkson’s sacking

image The Internet has been reacting angrily following the BBC’s “ridiculous decision” not to renew Jeremy Clarkson’s contract after he beat up a producer.

The BBC made the decision that verbally abusing someone followed by a physical assault that sent them to A&E crossed the line, a decision that was “PC gone mad” according to the Internet.

“If you can’t punch a colleague when you are hungry, then what can you do?” one Daily Mail commenter said but with many more spelling mistakes.
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Highways Agency regrets awarding road maintenance contract to ISIS.

The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.

The road, the hole road and nothing but the road.

There are red faces in the Highways Agency following a rash of complaints from motorists about the large number of potholes appearing on Britain’s roads. Motoring organizations and MPs are blaming the Highways Agency after it was discovered that the lucrative road maintenance contract was awarded to an unknown firm called Integrated Expert Developments from the Islamic State. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, bombs, gritters, idiots, Politics, Religion, Society, Transport, Uncategorized

Sky announce Hammond v May pay-per-view fight: both aim to be sacked

fight

Circle Finger, 3 rounds, contact wins contract.

With heavyweight Clarkson no longer a contender, James ‘Ironing’ May and Richard ‘Anklebiter’ Hammond are hoping to follow in his footsteps and get sacked by the BBC.

In a pay-per-view fight exclusive to Sky, the two featherwits will attempt to punch their way out of their contracts.

“May doesn’t scare me”, said Hammond. “Except when he stands up, looks disapprovingly at me, moves suddenly, wears a bright shirt or mentions me on Twitter.”

With a double knockout seen by many as the only way of getting out of a world Top Gear tour, both gladiators have been practising moving their arms.
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Richard III inspires tour with ‘missing gran’

granny_skullA local from Harold is hoping to emulate the success of Richard III’s bone tour, using the remains of his once-missing gran.

Phil Evans, a farmer from a long line of dead people, claims to have discovered the remains of Evie Evans in a shallow grave behind his silage tanks.

“She’s all there”, revealed Evans. “And in surprisingly good condition, considering she must have buried herself after stamping on her own head around 2 years ago.”

Alive Evans and Deceased Evans have already begun their tour, on the top deck of the Number 63 bus. Using a ceremonial bus pass once thought to have belonged to the thin one, the couple were commented on all the way to Dunstable and back.

PC Flegg admitted she wasn’t sure if the tour was illegal, although she’s asked Phil Evans to stop claiming Evie’s state pension.

“A large IC1 male and a really skinny girl one were questioned by officers, but released after no sense could be made”, explained Flegg.

“We would encourage the public to refrain from making public transport smell any worse than normal, but on the positive side, that’s another missing person I can take off our records.”

 

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Miliband rules out serving first term

miliband

I’ll be off then…

Following David Cameron’s somewhat premature announcement that he would not serve a third term as Prime Minister, Labour Party leader Ed Miliband has controversially ruled out serving a first term. He reportedly came to this decision  after studying opinion polls and talking to people.

Miliband tipped David Cameron, Home Secretary Theresa May, Chancellor George Osborne and London Mayor Boris Johnson as potential Prime Ministers, but admitted sadly that he personally was unlikely to be taking advantage of Downing Street’s lavish pair of kitchens any time soon.

“Terms are like Shredded Wheat,” explained Miliband to journalists. “I can’t even manage one. It’s just not going to happen, is it? Well, maybe if you poured milk all over it, but Prime Minister? Not bloody likely.” Continue reading

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Nigel Farage filmed asking the EDL to chase him out of a pub

farage_2921024bNigel Farage has been secretly filmed begging the EDL to protest his lunch next Sunday by chasing him out of the pub.

“I’ve done nothing wrong,” he told us. “I was going to be seen sitting down with the EDL over a pint and getting them to drop the protest which would prove I can listen to opposing points of view and mediate. As long as those points of view come from white English men of course. Let’s not get carried away here.” Continue reading

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Race campaign tea shop raided by hate police

grubby cup

Campaign ‘left bad taste in the mouth’

A tea shop in Harold has been vilified on Twitter, after a racial equality promotion descended into farce.

Mick Clarkson, owner of the ‘Brew-ha-ha Tearoom’, claims he was trying to create a utopia when he gave his staff some permanent markers.

Unfortunately, police were called and two Moldavian workers arrested, after racist slogans were spotted on customer’s cups.

“We are not racist, we like at least one person from other side of village”, claimed Nikolai Spitz. “And we do not hate everyone else as has been suggested.”

The row erupted after Ron Ronsson was served a latté with the phrase ‘Some Kosabians wipe properly’ written roughly where his lips would have been.
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