Tag Archives: Spoof news

by | November 28, 2014 · 7:00 am

Plebgate latest: Andrew Mitchell’s ‘unusually high’ expenses queried

mitchelldoyouwantsome

“Come on then. Do you want some, you w**ker?”

The Parliamentary Standards Authority has queried a £3 million ‘photocopy paper & sundry office supplies’ bill, which appeared overnight on Andrew Mitchell’s expenses claim form.

“Yes, it is a bit on the high side” admitted Enid Baxter, the night-duty Emergency Expenses Officer” and we’d have preferred it to be on a printed invoice, rather than handwritten on the back of an envelope”.

However, Baxter says it wasn’t the amount of the claim which caused concern but the request for the cheque to be made out to ‘cash’.

“I expect his mind was on other things” she conceded, “what with the £3 million libel case court costs and the Judge finding out he was lying. Probably.”

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by | November 27, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Vinyl record sales hit 18-year high of ‘two’

oasis

The boy’s mother, at press conference explaining mistake

More than one vinyl record has been sold in the UK so far this year – the first time the milestone has been achieved since 1996.

The figure marks a largely unexpected resurgence in an industry now considered to be dominated by digital.

Earlier this month, Pink Floyd’s The Endless River became the fastest-selling, and indeed only, vinyl release since 1997, with combined total sales of one unit.

The unexpected rise in sales to two – a 100% increase – was at first thought to be due to the amusing retro stylings of hipsters, but turned out to be merely a confused parent buying an Oasis album.

The Official Chart Company told the Evening Harold that if sales continue to increase at the current rate it will soon consider launching a “Top Three” chart.

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by | November 25, 2014 · 11:00 am

Shamed taxi driver admits talking to David Mellor

DavidMellor

“See? Everyone likes me.”

London cabbie Brian Knowledge has spoken of his “shame” after being secretly recorded having a conversation with despised former Conservative cabinet minister David Mellor.

Mellor made the recording secretly and passed it to The Sun in an attempt to prove that there are still people alive prepared to talk to him.

In the recording the taxi driver can be heard asking Mr Mellor whether “he is doing anything nice for Christmas this year,” and sharing a joke at the expense of Arsenal Football Club.

Mellor told The Sun: “This man and I had a perfectly friendly chat, and he didn’t once laugh at me or call me an arsehole. They said it couldn’t be done.”

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by | November 24, 2014 · 12:25 pm

Village’s ‘Christmas World of Poo’ attraction closes after ten minutes

world_of_poo

The smell of Christmas

A Christmas attraction designed by Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen has closed down after only ten minutes following a flood of complaints.

Visitors to The Magical World of Poo near the village of Harold said it was far from magical, with piles of excrement everywhere and Father Christmas handing out cheap shiny toilet paper “like they used to have at school”.

The few paying customers before the site’s hasty closure in a police raid said their children had been left in tears. One said it “ruined the magic of Christmas”.

“We were so excited about the World of Poo, the kids have been hopping up and down all week,” said an unhappy visitor.

“But we got here, and, well, not to put too fine a point on it, it was full of poo!” he complained. “I could have knocked that out in my back garden, if I wasn’t constipated.”

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by | November 21, 2014 · 11:10 am

Julien Blanc to train with Sheffield United

blanc

So proud

Only hours after backtracking on their decision to welcome Ched Evans back to the club, Sheffield United have caused more controversy by announcing that despised ‘pick-up artist’ Julien Blanc will begin training with them on Monday.

Blanc has been struggling with fitness after legal difficulties prevented him from being loathsome in several countries, and the Sheffield club are believed to have offered him facilities to practise choking, grabbing and being an arsehole.

“We’re enormously proud,” explained manager Nigel Clough. “We feel that just because he’s a revolting piece of slime, he shouldn’t be prevented from making a living.”

“We might have been a bit naive with the whole Ched Evans thing, but who could possibly have thought that anyone would be unhappy about us welcoming back a rapist? It’s a funny old world.”

“Anyway, this time we really think we’ve got it right – surely no-one can complain about Julien Blanc.”

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by | November 20, 2014 · 11:30 am

Being beheaded ‘will not silence Prince Charles’

prince_charles

The fruit plate

The prospect of his eventual coronation coming at a time of growing civil unrest and revolution will not stop him from intervening in national affairs, even if his head should end up being cut off and placed on a spike, Prince Charles has confirmed.

Rising public disaffection with authority and unprecedented support for republicanism are likely to combine in an explosively violent uprising in which Buckingham Palace will be stormed by the masses and those within slaughtered, the Prince has admitted, but he is adamant that he will continue to press for farmers’ rights wherever possible.

“He will be true to his beliefs and convictions,” said a palace source. “Particularly those relating to Duchies. He’s not actually aware of any actual Duchies other than that of Cornwall, but he’s going ‘balls-out’ for them anyway.”

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by | November 19, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Manson bride seeks divorce following successful parole application

'Till death do us part ...

‘Till death do us part …

Afton Elaine Burton, the 26 year old who has just married ritualistic mass murderer Charles Manson, has filed for divorce just hours after learning that the brutal killer had unexpectedly passed a parole board hearing and the octogenarian texted her saying how much he was looking forward to consummating their marriage.

Burton, who runs a website protesting the innocence of America’s most notorious serial killer, has denied that the wedding had been an elaborate publicity stunt which had gone horribly wrong.

“The fact that my Charlie will soon be at liberty and no longer safely locked away is nothing to do with my decision to seek a divorce,” she said defiantly.

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by | · 7:00 am

Hotel hiding from bad publicity is the BROADWAY HOTEL in BLACKPOOL

BROADWAY_HOTEL_BLACKPOOL

That’s the one!!!

The hotel which scandalously charged a couple £100 for leaving critical comments on travel review website Trip Advisor has been named as the BROADWAY HOTEL in BLACKPOOL , it has emerged.

The BROADWAY HOTEL in BLACKPOOL is so desperate to avoid bad publicity that they have a policy of threatening guests with fines for bad reviews, whether the reviews of PEELING CARPET, DIRTY BEDS, NO HOT WATER and INEDIBLE BREAKFAST are true or not.

The terms and conditions on the hotel’s booking form state: “For every bad review left on any website, the group organiser will be charged a maximum £100 per review.”

The hotel, currently rocking a massive two stars on TripAdvisor, apparently has no policy about guests leaving good reviews, presumably because this has never happened.

Trading Standards manager John Greenbank admitted that the policy was certainly an effective way of preventing bad publicity.

“Having to pay a fine will certainly stop guests from leaving bad reviews about TERRIBLE SERVICE AT THE BROADWAY HOTEL IN BLACKPOOL,” he commented.

“However, it seems possible that certain other websites run by people who have no intention of staying at the hotel will still be free to comment on the reports of PEELING CARPET, DIRTY BEDS, NO HOT WATER and INEDIBLE BREAKFAST AT THE BROADWAY HOTEL IN BLACKPOOL, and it’s not impossible that these websites could feature highly in Google’s search results,” he conceded.

The manager of the hotel was not available for comment last night, and was last seen going around frantically trying to buy up the internet.

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by | November 18, 2014 · 11:01 am

Farage shows his charitable side by growing Hitler Movember moustache

You decide: Hitler, Chaplin or Blakey from 'On the Buses'?

You decide: Hitler, Chaplin or Blakey from ‘On the Buses’?

With his UKIP troops poised to take Westminster by storm, nagging doubts have been voiced after Nigel Farage appeared in public sporting a moustache reminiscent of that belonging to prominent German politician Adolf Hitler.

Amazingly it was clear from his demeanour at the Rochester hustings that the right wing leader had no idea of the similarity his upper lip bore to the Nazi leader.

In a bizarre local radio interview, Farage was asked about his moustache. “It’s jolly good, isn’t it?” he said, stroking the fresh growth. “I’m doing it for the Movember charity which raises funds for men without balls or something. Our PR people thought it would be a good idea.”

Once the interviewer had grasped the concept of UKIP actually having PR people, he asked Continue reading →

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by | November 11, 2014 · 8:11 pm

‘Regulating loan sharks will push people towards loan sharks’ say loan sharks

wonga2

No one wants to be last in a line-up

High Street sharks have warned that ‘unnecessary’ new Government regulations will force desperate families into the hands of back street sharks.

“With us, borrowers know where they are” said Peter Jackal, Wonga’s Director of Corporate Irresponsibility “Trousers round the ankles, head down the toilet and being right-royally buggered by a set of loveable cartoon characters.”

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by | November 7, 2014 · 2:52 pm

Dallas reboot to run ‘Who shot Osama?’ storyline

JR-Bin-Laden

You can’t all have bloody shot me!

Producers of the forthcoming reboot of the popular soap opera Dallas have revealed that the first season will feature a gripping “Who shot Osama?” storyline.

Details of the plot are being kept closely guarded, but a few tantalising details of the story and characters have leaked out.

Osama Bin Laden is an international terrorist and Texas oilman, the eldest son of the rich Ewing family, a sadistic bully and swindler who captures the hearts of ladies with his devilish charm.

Drinking coffee one night in his darkened compound in Abbottabad, he hears a noise. “Who’s there?” he calls, but his only answer is the arrival of a crack US Navy Seal execution force, who swiftly eliminate him before dumping the body at sea.

Unusually for these stories, the suspects will all claim to have carried out the execution, arguing their case for being the killer in a series of magazine and television interviews.

The suspects will include:

  • Sue Ellen Bin Laden – Osama’s wife, who Osama had threatened to institutionalize for her alcoholism and secret love of IKEA products;
  • Kristin – Osama’s mistress and Sue Ellen’s sister. Osama broke his promise to marry her and gave her 24 hours to leave town;
  • US Navy Seal Robert ‘Dusty’ O’Neill – reported on television to have died in a plane crash which caused ex-lover and recovering alcoholic Sue Ellen to reach for the bottle the night Osama was shot;
  • US Special Forces operative Matt ‘Bobby’ Bissonnette – Osama’s mild-mannered brother, fed up with Osama’s handling of international jihad and slights to Bobby’s wife. Will return unexpectedly in season two, in a shower;
  • Cliff Barnes –  Osama’s brother-in-law (through his sister’s marriage to Bobby) and business rival: His father Digger Barnes was swindled by Osama’s father Jock Bin Laden out of his half of their combined oil company;
  • ‘Hissing Sid’ – fictional snake and villain of 1980 hit single “Captain Beaky” – not entirely clear how this character will fit into the main storyline;
  • ‘Tony’ Blair – non-fictional snake and villain of 2003 hit single “Captain War Criminal” – obvious bad guy, stereotypical pantomime evil character, unpopular.

Fans of the original series have been cautious in their reaction to the story leak, with many worried that the whole idea is so ridiculous that no-one could possibly take it seriously, much like the entire US and UK Middle East policy.

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by | · 11:00 am

Local radio station celebrates purchase of second record

Zzzzzzz!

Zzzzzzz!

Spirits were high at Radio Harold following their announcement that the popular station had doubled its record collection with the acquisition of a second record.

“The purchase of ‘Now that’s what I call Easy Listening Vol 6’ allows us to deliver our vision of a requests show,” said controller Mavis Jackson. “Obviously, listeners’ choices will be restricted to the two records in our library but they will be able to choose from some 15 tracks, if you don’t include the Cliff Richard song. That should be enough to fill the airwaves for days!”

“This exciting news gives us the opportunity to refresh our programme schedules,” continued Ms Jackson. “Our ever popular feature ‘What’s in my hedge?’ will be trimmed to a daily fifteen minutes and the God Spot, when the Rev. Tansy Forster gives advice on skin aliments, Continue reading →

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by | November 5, 2014 · 11:00 am

Daily Mail talking bollocks again

dailymail

The Daily Bollocks

The Daily Mail’s exclusive story attacking the makers of feminist t-shirts for sweatshop conditions has been revealed to be total bollocks, it was revealed today.

In an unsurprising development, the Mail’s bitter criticism of the charity behind the ‘This is what a feminist looks like’ shirts has been comprehensively refuted by the Fawcett Society, which has produced evidence that the workers were paid above minimum wage, worked reasonable hours, were allowed to join unions and received paid overtime.

Eva Neitzert, deputy chief executive of the society, said in a statement: “We’re not surprised, frankly. That tedious bunch of bigoted arseholes will do anything to ridicule women. What a depressingly predictable load of toss.”

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by | November 4, 2014 · 2:30 pm

Farage vetoes unhappy Gove’s bid to defect to UKIP

Farage gives his opinion on Gove (pot & kettle?)

Farage gives his opinion on Gove (pot & kettle?)

The corridors of Westminster were reeling last night following the astonishing revelation that a disillusioned Michael Gove recently attempted to join UKIP and, even more amazingly, his application was rejected personally by leader Nigel Farage.

Once the class swot, it was known that the former Education Secretary had felt side-lined since his demotion to Westminster dorm monitor so the news that he had been actively seeking a new position was not a huge surprise; but the question every political commentator wanted answered yesterday was, ‘Why had the UKIP hierarchy decided not to hire Gove?’

The answer came last night at throwing out time at Farage’s favourite hostelry, known locally as The Xenophobe Arms. Besieged by journalists, Nigel Farage held an impromptu press conference.

“It’s all about image,” he started.  “We want to show we are a serious political party so we can’t just allow anyone to join.  In fact you could say we at UKIP have our own immigration policy,” he added jovially.” Continue reading →

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by | · 12:52 am

Theresa May: Fresh crisis as Norma Jean Baker resigns from Home Office

Big

Norma Jean Baker in happier times

Hapless Theresa May had barely sat down after pretending to apologise to the Commons for last weeks balls-ups, when ‘some Lib-Dem woman’ resigned from her team yesterday afternoon.

“I’m grateful to Norma Jean for all her work for the Home Office over the last err… Continue reading →

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by | November 3, 2014 · 7:04 am

Man Utd and Liverpool to join Scottish League

gaal

Er, hoots mon?

Following a string of disappointing results, Manchester United and Liverpool have applied to join the Scottish Premiership, it was revealed today. An initial approach has been made to begin playing in Scotland as soon as possible, starting next season, or even in the middle of this one, if no-one minds.

“We can’t see any practical problems with this. If Berwick are allowed to play in the Scottish league, I don’t see why we’re any different,” insisted Liverpool manager Brendan Rogers. “It’s like Hamilton, they’re in New Zealand, according to Google, and no-one complains about them.”

“The Scottish Premiership has long been considered an easy option, lacking any serious challenge,” he explained. “And that’s just what we’re looking for.” Continue reading →

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by | October 21, 2014 · 12:45 pm

Badgers demand human cull to prevent spread of Ebola

Revenge? Moi?

Revenge? Moi?

Increasingly concerned at the impending threat of the Ebola virus, badger community leaders have called for the introduction of a human culling programme.

“We’re proposing an initial pilot programme,” Furry Rita told us yesterday, “by having marksmen to shoot the pilots of the planes that seem to be bringing in the virus into the country. The pilots may not have Ebola themselves, but they are obviously carriers so need to be eliminated for the good of everyone else.”

“Of course we’ve no idea how much humans spread Ebola,” continued Rita, the co-leader of the Harold Woods badger colony, “but Continue reading →

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by | October 20, 2014 · 2:26 pm

NHS set to offer tape worms to fatties instead of gastric bands

Timmy the Tapeworm ..... and host

Timmy the Tapeworm ….. and host

Instead of spending thousands of pounds on expensive surgery, the NHS is understood to be planning to provide obese patients with their own pet tape worm.

No invasive procedures are required in this breakthrough treatment. In trials, the tape worm was introduced to the patient disguised in a cream cake.  There was one unfortunate incident when a worm was ingested via a burger, but officials at the Dunstable & District General have stressed this was an isolated incident and the kitchen hygiene policy is now being observed.

“At first I was gutted to find I was being given a tape worm instead of a posh gastric band,” said Harold resident  Jane Fondant

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by | October 18, 2014 · 12:00 pm

Terrorists threaten to attack UK by washing uncooked chicken

A terrorist, yesterday

A terrorist, yesterday

The terror threat level to the UK was today raised to the highest level since the Iraq war after suspicions grew that terrorists might have been reading all the recent articles about the deadly peril of washing uncooked chicken.

It is now known that washing raw chicken releases tiny water droplets filled with extreme poison into your kitchen, killing you and all your family instantly. Until this fact was established by government scientists, there was no explanation for the mysterious spate of deaths affecting everyone in the country who cooked chicken.

“Raw chicken washing-related deaths were running at approximately five million per year, in London alone,” explained chief government medical officer Brian Panic. “We’d always wondered why this might be, but no-one had ever put two and two together, despite the obvious presence of freshly washed chicken fillets near all the bodies.” Continue reading →

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by | October 15, 2014 · 3:30 pm

Waitrose trial bouncers in stores to keep out ‘wrong sort of customer’

I don't care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you're not coming in

I don’t care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you’re not coming in

Supermarket chain Waitrose have introduced bouncers onto the doors of their Leighton Buzzard store in an attempt to ensure that only ‘the right sort of person’ shops there.

The trial, which if successful will be extended to all Waitrose stores, is aiming to provide traditional Waitrose customers with a more pleasant shopping experience, and is based around a ‘think 25’ policy. If the bouncers suspect that a customer earns less than £40k a year they will refuse them entry unless they can prove that they earn more than £25k. Continue reading →

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