Tag Archives: satire

by | May 25, 2015 · 7:00 am

Theresa May: ‘Actually, we are planning to send three-year-olds to jail for not eating dinner’

jail

Start ’em young

Home Secretary Theresa May has called on UK police to end a social media campaign against scaring children with threats of prison, pointing out that this is actually a key part of the Conservatives’ new law enforcement policy.

Durham Constabulary has published a poster on its Facebook page urging parents not to tell their children that if they refuse to eat dinner the police will take them to prison. The police believe that this will only instill a climate of fear and mistrust of the law from an early age.

However, the Home Secretary has pointed out that the proposed 2016 Law Enforcement, Juveniles (Dinner) Act will specifically make not finishing vegetables a criminal offence for children as young as five. “Five” referring here to days, of course. Continue reading →

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by | April 28, 2015 · 7:00 am

‘We’re good for love and healing energy, now please send money’ explains Nepal

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If it’s no trouble

The people of Nepal have explained that while they are very grateful for the thoughts and prayers of Facebook readers, now would be a really good time to send money as well.

Rivalry is growing intense between Christians, Buddhists and Pagans to send prayers, love and dreamcatchers  to the disaster area, but teams on the ground are adamant that food, tents and the funds to buy these are in much shorter supply.

“It’s true that money isn’t everything,” admitted Prime Minister Sushil Koirala. “Helicopters would also be particularly useful. The point we’re making is that we have heartfelt prayers up the wazoo, to be honest.”

“Same for yoga mantras, frankly. We do appreciate the chanting, but we’d be even more excited if you sent out search and rescue teams, maybe some food parcels.”

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Again, we hate to be any trouble…

 

“My heart is breaking over Nepal. In a perfect world I’d be out there now helping,” lamented obese IT help-desk bloke Tony, 35. “I’ve been sitting here praying so hard every lunchtime, I’ve hardly had time to eat – for me, no personal sacrifice is too great.”

“Ironically I’ve saved loads of money through not going out to the pub at midday,” he continued. “I’m thinking of getting a new sofa.”

Upon hearing this, Koirala rolled his eyes only slightly before asking: “Could you at least send us the sofa?”

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by | April 25, 2015 · 5:40 pm

CORRECTIONS: Cameron clarifies soccerball allegiance

cameron with wine

“And a Steak Pie & chips my good man and make it snappy; the fourth quarter is about to start”

Well know sports enthusiast and part-time Prime Minister, David Cameron, has been discussing his ability to support multiple teams such as England, UK and GB “For instance, I’m a true-blue West Ham fan but that doesn’t stop me supporting Liverpool Rangers when they’re competing in the Eurasian Cup.”

The Prime Minister’s spokeman  later clarified that in fact Mr Cameron is a Villa fan and must have suffered from Brain Fade when referring to his support for ‘The West Hamsters.

“I’ve supported Villa Rovers since I was a lad” said the old Etonian; “nothing like standing at The Shed end singing ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’ to the world-famous recording by Freddie and the Dreamers.”

“Happy Days eh? Oh look, another spontaneous low-brow cultural reference! The Fonce was my absolute favourite, with his shaven head and lollipop sucking. ‘Who loves ya baby’ – I just loved that catchphrase.”

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by | April 24, 2015 · 2:00 pm

David Cameron growing beard to chase youth vote

David_Cameron_beard

Cutting edge

Prime Minister David Cameron has spent the last few weeks secretly growing a beard in a desperate attempt to capture the ‘hipster’ trend sweeping the nation, it emerged today.

The real reason for Cameron avoiding the recent TV dates has been revealed to be nothing to do with being a great big coward with indefensible policies – instead it is simply that the Prime Minister has not wanted to risk unveiling his fledgling growth until its development is beyond ridicule.

“Our researchers tell us that this new ‘hipster’ movement is the key to really getting down with the young generation,” a Downing Street spokesman explained. “These young ‘hepcats’ are going to look at David’s facial hair and see something of themselves in it.”

The suggestion that Cameron might actually be a little bit late in jumping on the hipster bandwagon was rejected by the Prime Minister: “I’m hip and I’m hop, and if the beard doesn’t convince you, wait until you see my amazing new pair of red trousers!” he insisted.

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by | April 18, 2015 · 2:32 pm

‘I will miss punching people’ says Jeremy Clarkson

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Sandwich? Knuckle.

In his first comment since being dropped from the TV show Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson has said he will miss punching people in the face.

The presenter was writing in his first column for the Sun since he was released from the show on 25 March after an “unprovoked physical attack” on a producer.

“Heartfelt thanks to all those who have written to say how much they will miss me on Top Gear,” he wrote. “It’s not as much, however, as I’ll miss being there.”

“Mainly,” he continued, “the sensation of smashing my knuckles into the face of someone who fears for their job and has done nothing wrong except working on the same show as a bullying overweight twat. You know, those sorts of things. Specifically, the punching.” Continue reading →

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by | April 7, 2015 · 7:03 am

Huge boost for Tories as Blair backs Miliband

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Oh bugger.

The Conservative party received a massive boost to its election chances today as Tony Blair came out in support of Labour’s Ed Miliband.

The two parties had been running neck and neck in the polls, but following the former Prime Minster’s announcement, the Conservatives’ “Blair bump” saw them race to an impressive 99% lead over Labour.

“Sometimes you just get lucky,” admitted a grinning David Cameron, speaking to journalists while taking a break from painting victory banners and measuring bunting. “Miliband must be gutted, the poor sod. ‘Tony’s unqualified admiration and support’ – what an absolute disaster for anyone.” Continue reading →

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by | March 31, 2015 · 11:55 am

EXCLUSIVE! Local greengrocer ‘won’t quit’

carrot (1)

A carrot

A greengrocer in Harold has angrily denied that he’s quitting, and instead vowed to continue in his role.

Defiantly operating his till and a sort of weighing contraption to the left of it, Dominic Evans of ‘Evans Vegetables and Sons’ faced up to a string of customers, one at a time.

The move to stay put comes quickly after the departure of Cllr Ron Ronsson: he brushed past our reporter carrying a melon and some carrots.

Despite the ‘cash for fruit’ controversy, no-one has actually called for Evans to leave. But they will do, once a journalist gets to the front of the queue. “What on earth are talking about?” demanded Evans. “Where the f*** would I go?”, before adding “do you want those potatoes or not?”

Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Was pilot’s mental decline triggered by sprinkles shortage? ponders Daily Mail

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Sorry son, we’re out of sprinkles, would a ’99’ do?

A man who stood next to Andreas Lubitz in an ice cream van queue, after a hectic game of football, has revealed that Lubitz had looked ‘a little wild-eyed and dishevelled’.

“At the time, I wondered if he might, later in life, become a pilot then kill himself and commit murder by crashing his aircraft into an Alp” said Gerhard Flumpf. Flumpf now regrets dismissing it as a random thought. By the time they were back in school on Monday he’d completely forgotten about it; until twenty one years later, when the 27 year old Lubitz did exactly as feared and a posse of journalists arrived in his home town waving cheque books.

Continue reading →

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by | March 24, 2015 · 7:00 am

Miliband rules out serving first term

miliband

I’ll be off then…

Following David Cameron’s somewhat premature announcement that he would not serve a third term as Prime Minister, Labour Party leader Ed Miliband has controversially ruled out serving a first term. He reportedly came to this decision  after studying opinion polls and talking to people.

Miliband tipped David Cameron, Home Secretary Theresa May, Chancellor George Osborne and London Mayor Boris Johnson as potential Prime Ministers, but admitted sadly that he personally was unlikely to be taking advantage of Downing Street’s lavish pair of kitchens any time soon.

“Terms are like Shredded Wheat,” explained Miliband to journalists. “I can’t even manage one. It’s just not going to happen, is it? Well, maybe if you poured milk all over it, but Prime Minister? Not bloody likely.” Continue reading →

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by | March 6, 2015 · 12:03 pm

Hall and Oates to sue over breakfast cereal named ‘Turgid Shyte’

hallandoatesHall and Oates are suing a cereal firm, claiming its ‘Turgid Shyte’ breakfast mix infringes their copyright.

The case accuses the Tuneless Krap Foods Company of breaking the law with its “obvious play on Daryl Hall and John Oates’ well-known musical style”.

‘Turgid Shyte’ is a nut-free cereal made from maple syrup and oats, described by its makers as a “back-to-basics flavour with all the empty pomposity of bland middle-of-the-road Eighties soul-lite”.

Hall and Oates started working together in the early 1970s, and have become one of the most successful duos in pop history.

Their hits include Maneater, I Can’t Go for That (No Rice Krispies),  and Honey Bunches of Oats with Chocolate Clusters.

The duo protects its brand identity vigorously, and only recently forced a cigarette company to stop using the brand “Middle-Aged Waankers”

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by | February 26, 2015 · 7:00 am

Cruel nation reduced to laughing at old woman falling over

madonna

Venue has agreed to install a ramp

The UK has become a brutally sadistic society in which the height of entertainment is the desperate sight of an elderly lady falling over, it was revealed last night.

Millions of British citizens who would have claimed to be kind-hearted were openly mocking the misfortune of someone old enough to be their grandmother who did nothing more than stumble in unfamiliar surroundings.

Madonna, 94, a veteran of two world wars and the sole remaining person alive to have met Napoleon, had a fall at a youngsters’ ball last night, surrounded by a group of dancing people who seemed happy to pretend nothing had happened.

“It is sad, very sad,” despaired Albert Renfrew, Professor of Sociology at the University of Harold. “In a country where we ostensibly care for our old people, we are happy to laugh at Madonna falling on her arse like a sack of hammers.”

“If people in their nineties can’t strip down to their underwear, pretend to be culturally relevant and marry teenagers, then I don’t know what we’re coming to. Mind you, it was fucking hilarious, wasn’t it?”

A spokesperson from the charity Age Concern pointed out that cuts to the Winter Fuel Allowance were probably the reason that Madonna had taken to wearing a cape in the first place, and called on concerned citizens to send her their old blankets.

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by | February 23, 2015 · 8:00 am

Nivea’s new cream “audibly reduces” wrinkles

Molly (32) has used Nivea since she was a girl

Nivea launched more advertising mush this week, for women with good bathroom mirrors but low self-esteem.

“Sadly, we can’t lawfully tell outright lies in adverts nowadays” said Harold born Anastasia Blunt, Director of Word-mangling at Nivea “which is a shame, as that was the best bit of the job.”

“We have either to invent new words or slam real words together so they don’t actually mean anything. If it can’t be understood, it can’t be lying; we get our lawyers to run a check, just to be sure.”she explained, adding “The clue is in the words ‘make- up'”. Continue reading →

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by | February 20, 2015 · 7:04 am

‘We’re not influenced by advertisers’ insists Daily PotNoodleGraph

potnoodlegraph

Name change seemed a little rushed

After criticism that its coverage of the HSBC tax scandal was toned down because of commercial interests, the Daily Telegraph has fiercely denied that its recent name change to the PotNoodleGraph has anything to do with the lavish two-page advertisement taken out in its pages by noodle makers Unilever.

The paper’s chief political commentator Peter Oborne resigned on Tuesday, complaining that the influence of advertisers had ruined the newspaper’s journalistic integrity.

In a scathing editorial leader this morning, the paper “makes no apology” for its decision to ignore the HSBC tax story, and goes on to insist: “Love buckets of joy, plastic pots of paradise, call them what you will, our noodly snacks deliver knockout flavour right on the kisser.” Continue reading →

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by | February 13, 2015 · 7:00 am

Call for the Hulk to be played by non-green actor

white_hulk

No more mister green guy

Following suggestions that the next Spider-Man should be played by a black actor, popular demand is growing for Marvel to break another tradition and finally allow the Hulk to be played by a non-green performer.

The Hulk has always been depicted as green in movies, the TV show and the original comics, but that may change in the new era of superhero correctness.

“Surely it’s time to bring the Hulk into the 21st century and admit that the colour of his skin is irrelevant,” insisted Albert Renfrew from the National Association for the Advancement of White People. “The Hulk is a great character, we love him, but we think he could just as well be a ‘person of white’.”

“Here in the NAAWP we have nothing against greens, but they are already hugely over-represented in the film industry. Just look at the Muppet movies.” Continue reading →

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by | February 11, 2015 · 1:29 pm

UKIP defend bus shaped like giant penis

ukipbusUKIP have defended their decision to launch an election campaign using a bus shaped like a giant male organ.

The bus, a 45-foot long purple monster complete with helmet and sagging scrotal sack, was launched at a rally in Clacton, and attracted even greater than usual derision on social media.

Elsie Renfrew, 42, almost fainted at the sight of the bus looming down on her in the high street.

“How they thought that could help them win votes is a mystery,” she told journalists. “It was horrible, that giant sickly bell-end leering up at me. I told him, Mr Farage, your bus is rubbish.”

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by | February 10, 2015 · 11:34 am

Wife runs off with ‘listening’ TV

tv_woman

“Sometimes I turn it on”

A housewife from the village of Harold has eloped with the family’s new ‘listening’ Samsung TV, claiming it pays far more attention to her than her husband ever did.

In an interview with the Radio Times, Elsie Renfrew, 42, explained that she  had spent twenty years being ignored by husband Roger, and that the couple had in fact last exchanged greetings in 1997.

“Then we got this new Samsung telly,” she told journalists, “And suddenly I knew something was actually listening to me at long last – for once, something actually cared.”

The television, a FH6200 Series with 60″ screen (diagonal), features voice recognition for channel selection, volume control and wistful confidences about what you could have been if only you’d married someone with a bit more life to them. Continue reading →

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by | August 30, 2014 · 4:00 pm

Judge wearing a wig and tights criticises lawyer’s ‘ridiculous clothing’

'I'm not wearing pants'

The hanging Judge: “I’m not wearing any pants”

A furious judge, resplendent in silver-buckled patent leather shoes, gave a lawyer a public dressing down yesterday, for looking like ‘something out of Harry Potter’.

Brushing specks of imaginary dust from his frilly white ruff, Judge Davd Wynn Morgan tore into solicitor-advocate Alan Blacker, who had sewn ribbons and St John Ambulance medals onto his robes.

“If you want to look like something out of Harry Potter, don’t come into my court again” sneered Judge Morgan, tugging down on his black tights Continue reading →

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by | August 20, 2014 · 7:00 am

Sex pests welcome in new inclusive Lib Dems

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We’re desperate – we’ll take anyone…

In a desperate attempt to counter falling membership levels, the Liberal Democrats have loosened their membership rules to welcome sexual predators into the party.

One member, known only as “Lord R”, had his membership suspended after incidents of “inadvertently” “encroaching” upon the “personal space” of women in the “party”, but has since apologised, which makes everything OK.

Party leader Nick Clegg said the Liberal Democrats had been forced to take a “long, hard look in the mirror” since these allegations were made last year, omitting to mention that the mirror in question was fastened to the toecap of Lord R’s right boot, and used primarily while standing behind females on escalators. Continue reading →

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by | August 18, 2014 · 11:00 am

Facebook to start marking Daily Mail stories as ‘not satire, honest’.

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Facebook has announced it is to start marking articles shared from the Daily Mail a ‘not satire, honest’ tag after a number of users complained they often thought the stories and views of the paper were some sort of joke.

“I thought their hatred of people that don’t look like them was some kind of running joke,” one user commented after sharing a comment piece on immigration. “I didn’t think highly trained news people could actually think like that.”
Continue reading →

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by | May 2, 2014 · 7:00 am

Prime Minister’s QC brother does unpaid ‘Community Service’

No this isn’t Dave, but it’s a scary thought isn’t it?

 A complicated fraud trial has been halted by a Judge because of cuts at the Ministry of Justice.

“To be strictly accurate, there is essentially one ‘Cut’ responsible.” said Alex Cameron QC, working free of charge on the application yesterday, “Chris Grayling, known as the ‘Unkindest Cut of all’ down at the Bailey. At least I think that’s what they call him.” Continue reading →

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