If we vote to Remain he’ll just keep on going, like a Duracell Bunny
The UK woke up this morning to the awful news that there’s still a calendar month to go, before deciding on the political careers of Boris, IDS, Osborne, and Gove.
“Not even four weeks – a proper month.” said Harold Teaching assistant Carly Jeffery “Thirty one bloody days. Seven hundred and forty four soul-destroying sodding hours. And I’m an insomniac, so I’ll be awake for most of them!” Continue reading
Following their high court defeat over plain cigarette packaging, tobacco companies have announced a move into branded chemotherapy treatment.
“We accept that we have to start moving into new areas,” admitted British American Tobacco spokesman Harry Death.
“Our research shows a remarkably similar demographic between cancer patients and our existing customers. Really, it’s uncanny.”
Marlboro have already launched an aggressive cancer drug for the rugged outdoors type, while Benson and Hedges’ Silk Cut chemo will be aimed at users who do not really need treatment but don’t want to feel like they’re missing out.
Meanwhile, for those who find the whole chemo thing a bit too strong, why not try menthol-chemo for the cool rush of winter – like that bloke in the operating gown in the Macmillan ads.
This is only the start of big tobacco’s monetization of its products’ longer-term effects. Camel have started selling amusing hump-branded urns, while Superkings have a range of longer than usual coffins for budget-conscious tall people.
Communism in action
A consortium of concerned parents has claimed a moral victory after the proven legality of term-time holidays caused travel firms to immediately quadruple their non-holiday prices to cash in on the massive demand.
“We’ve always said it’s a scandal that travel costs in the holidays are raised artificially to exploit parents,” explained Ron Pratt, who refused to pay a £60 fine for taking his children to Florida, causing local authority to take him to court.
After the High Court found that there was actually nothing illegal in taking children on term-time holidays, the major travel companies have taken only days to massively raise their prices for the rest of the year.
“Now prices are the same all year round,” trumpeted a jubilant Pratt. “Instead of being forced to pay an undeserved £60 fine, I now have the right to pay £2500 more to go to Florida in September.” Continue reading
Button and Coulthard in happier times
Jenson Button lost his cool on the grid of the Spanish GP today, after being asked the same questions for the 300th time.
“For f*cks sake, David! I’ll drive as fast as I can until the tyres wear out, then I’ll come in for a new set”.
“After that I’ll go back out and do the same thing all over again.”
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Not a bell-end, apparently
Londoners have reacted with surprise to the news that their new mayor Sadiq Khan is not an evil, lying corrupt bell-end.
Unlike predecessor Boris Johnson, Khan has immediately given the impression of being a likeable, reasonable man, with little or no inclination to act like a complete arsewipe.
“We have to say we expected the sort of person who would lie about wasting millions of pounds of our money on building a green bridge for his mates,” confessed one Londoner. “Or who display casual racism every day, calling Africans ‘piccaninnies’, that kind of thing.”
Continue reading
Sod the red sky at night bollocks, what about his gorgeous hair?
Harold’s new weatherman, Nicholas Legolas, has been fired after viewers complained about his “overly dramatic” style.
The handsome blonde, thought to have been employed for his good looks and piercing eyes, often adopted a portentous tone when delivering reports on Harold’s latest meteorological activities.
“He is a lovely looking lad” said Doris Kettle, “with hair like a Pantene advert, mine were never that shiny, not even when I were young. But I don’t need to know about the fumes of Mordor of a morning, I just want to know if I can put me delicates on the line to dry.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, News, Weather
The late John F Kennedy
After castigating Manchester United players for not turning up at least 4 hours before kick-off for the final game at Upton Park, and clearly bringing on themselves an attack on the team bus from the angelic cockneys, West Ham and Ex Sunday Sport owner David Sullivan, accompanied by his 18 year old press advisor Krystle, has today been elaborating on his theory of cause and effect.
“It’s common sense, if you turn up early then you avoid any problems. Continue reading
Do not adjust your TV set.
“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it. Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole. Metaphorically speaking.”
Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.
“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President. The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”
“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, idiots, Intergalactic News, Politics, science, Space, TV, USA
Happy Days
A Harold head teacher has spoken out in defence of the new SATs – described by many as being unnecessarily stressful, pressured and far too advanced, and which reduced some students to tears.
St Mary’s Alison Lee, however, thinks the paper was no more difficult than it needs to be to prepare students for life in current society.
“Parents think that being engaged, inspired little learners will be sufficient for their offspring to succeed, but they’re living in a dream world” said Mrs Lee.
“What sort of mind do you need to have to be able to argue that a super-injunction should hold, even when everyone knows the details of the story in question? How adept at convoluted maths must you be to complete a Panama Papers tax return? These are not skills that are garnered without effort.” Continue reading
Is that you’re best shot, you pussy? My mother has a stronger grip.
Islamic State have hit back in the row between David Cameron and Boris Johnson over the terror threat level. Cameron says leaving the EU will make the UK more vulnerable; Johnson says the opposite.
“Praise the Lord, Brexit or not to Brexit makes no f*cking difference,” said ISIS in a Tweet translated by Google.
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Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics
His colour sense isn’t that great either
In the quiet English village of Harold, a local council is making a stand against the anti-social wearing of shorts by men.
“The first decent weather of the year saw men out and about in shorts which were already too small in 2015.”says Cllr Ron Ronnson.
“Oddly, most of the shorts hadn’t stretched in the back of the wardrobe, hidden under a 2012-2013 Manchester United scarf and a replica ‘Thierry Henry’ Arsenal shirt.”
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Won’t resign on a matter of principal
Nicky Morgan, the perpetually terror-struck Education Secretary, says her U-turn on forced academisation “wasn’t so much a turn as a bend.”
“As an MP and a corporate lawyer specialising in acquisitions, my main principles are me and my career. Continue reading
Ken and newt, in happier days
Ken Livingstone has pissed off so many people that now even newts have taken to ignoring him in public, it was revealed today.
Like the sad old uncle who drinks too much sherry at Christmas and believes everyone is interested in his incontinent ramblings, Livingstone seems to have convinced himself that because he has read some pages in Wikipedia, everyone will eventually slap their thighs and tell him how clever he is.
In fact, the entire world is shuffling its feet in embarrassment, wondering if it really isn’t time to start considering some kind of home for the old fellow.
“I used to be right behind Ken,” admitted ‘Barry’, a ringtailed leaping newt from Putney. “But lately, me and the rest of the guys in the pond just think he’s being a bit weird.”
“If you were to ask my honest opinion, I’d say he’s pissed. And I should know.”
“I’m a newt.”
We’d pay to make it stop
Fears are growing that Tony Blair will do anything for money after if was revealed that he now performs nightly belly-dances for Saudi royalty.
Blair is known to have a wide range of opaque business interests, but it was never suspected just how far the former Prime Minister would go for cash until details of his fleshy writhing leaked out.
The Middle-East envoy role held by Blair included a certain degree of consultation over business affairs, but many are shocked to see him stripping nearly naked and wriggling lasciviously for the pleasure of the Saudi royal family.
A spokesman for Blair admitted that exotic dancing had happened, but denied that it was in any way inappropriate.
“It’s not like he’s advising savage dictators in Kazakhstan,” he pointed out.
“That was last week.”
“En-Ger-Land, En-Ger-Land, En-Ger-Land… oh and Scotland too”
En-Ger-Land, a fantasy theme park which could encompass the entire country by 2020, may undermine prospects for a UK version of ‘Disneyland’ due to open in Kent the following year.
A company spokesperson, Mr Farage, explained how, if the shareholders give the go-ahead on 23rd June, he will start work the next day. “We’ll be rolling out traditional village pubs across the country; with jolly landlords reminiscing about a better time when no one was black or gay Continue reading
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Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics
Is this some kind of bust?
The damning report slammed several post-war US presidents, and if speculations are to be believed, what they could have done to the Churchill statue behind closed doors makes what Obama did look pale by comparison.
Dwight Eisenhower – or to give his surname its proper spelling ‘Eisenhauer’ – was of course part German, a country with whom Britain has seldom been allies. Therefore, the report claims, he almost definitely carried the anti-UK mutation, even if he was not aware of it. Despite their good relationship in real life, some suggest that in private, Eisenhower could have made fun of our nation’s greatest leader by making the statue eat sauerkraut or sausages with mustard on.
Fast forward to the sixties and we find part-Irish John F. Kennedy in the Whitehouse. The report points out that the Irish ancestral hatred of Britain is second-to-none, and it is thought that while praising Churchill in public, it is most likely Kennedy allowed his many mistresses to give him oral sex in full view of Britain’s war-time PM’s disapproving statue eyes.
Another part-Irish chief executive, Bill Clinton, is likely to have done even worse, maybe full sex, or anal, and Clinton’s now-infamous ‘cigar incident’ could well have been a direct mocking reference to Churchill’s fondness for smoking them in his tight-lipped yet moist, yielding mouth.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics, Sex, War
What could go wrong?
Ted Cruz and John Kasich have announced that they wish to cease hostilities with Donald Trump immediately, and as a token of goodwill have invited him to a wedding at the castle of Walder Frey.
This gesture is especially symbolic as Frey is known to be entirely neutral, above board and not at all given to evil murderous plots.
“We’re very excited about Trump coming here to celebrate with us,” announced Cruz this morning. “We hope to see him very soon – all his supporters can come and get extremely drunk safe in the knowledge that nothing bad will happen.”
“I’ll be wearing my best chain mail suit to mark the occasion.”
Trump seems to be intent on ignoring advice that attending the wedding might be a risky move, saying: “Hey, I know politics is a pretty cut-throat business, but I’m sure I can keep my head.”
“Now, that wall they’ve got up in the north – that gives me an idea…”
The safe option?
Following a week in which sensible people everywhere advised Britain not to balls things up by leaving the EU, the leading figures in the “Leave” campaign have insisted that by not changing anything, the country risks a disastrous “leap into the known”.
“No-one can predict what could happen if we leave things exactly as they are,” insisted justice secretary and evil muppet Michael Gove.
“By not changing our entire economic and political system, we have no idea just what the consequences could be.”
“Imagine a world where you woke up and things were exactly like they were this morning, except without me banging on. It’s too scary to contemplate.”
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Massive bell-end
A UKIP supporter has invaded Poland as part of a misguided attempt to campaign against the European Union, it has emerged.
Cab driver Timothy ‘Twatty’ Miller has been slammed for hiring a tank and encroaching into Polish territory, in a mystifying bid to make the point that he was angry about something.
Miller, 99, claimed the invasion is a symbol of “freedom and democracy” and hopes it will encourage floating voters to opt for Brexit in the upcoming EU referendum. No, really.
Police interviewed Mr Miller, pointing out to him that while it was not necessarily illegal to drive a tank, he was nonetheless in grave danger of making himself look like a massive fucking bell-end.
Miller denied he was a fascist, saying: “People want to read that I’m anti-semitic but that is not the truth.”
“The truth is that I’m a massive fucking bell-end.”
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Filed under EU referendum, News, War
Publicity-shy singer Elton John is to release an album of Barbra Streisand songs, entitled The Streisand Effect, it was revealed today.
Unusually for a major artist’s release, the album will be launched with no advertising whatever, on a date that is being kept a secret, and only sold in a handful of boutique ironmongers.
The album is not actually being released in England, although it will be freely available in Scotland and everywhere else.
“We realise that this low-key approach to publicity might mean that not all fans get to appreciate Elton’s latest offering,” admitted an anonymous spokesperson, “But sometimes big stars prefer to stay out of the limelight.”
“Not that there’s anything to hide. Why would there be anything to hide?”
“In fact, you’re not allowed to say that there’s nothing to hide. Enjoy the album though!”
“Not that there’s an album. We deny that completely.”
“We’re a perfectly happily married couple, and would have no need to release an album.”
“Ooh, what a give away.”
Filed under breaking news, Families, Sex, Showbusiness
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