Tag Archives: nigel farage

Car-crash Farage to play clumsy Inspector Clouseau

fareau

Papers please!

As details of an assassination attempt on Nigel Farage become clear, the hapless UKIP leader is being touted as the new Inspector Clouseau.

During an interview on Good Morning Britain to explain his belief that he is under constant attack, Farage leapt behind the sofa, thrashed about screaming for a few minutes, then emerged, claiming he’d had to fight off a Bulgarian assassin.

“Phew, that was a close one,” he exclaimed to a bewildered Susanna Reid, who’d just asked if he might be exaggerating the seriousness of his car crash. Continue reading

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Attempted Farage murder – police to interview 64 million suspects

farage_car

A tragic near-miss

British Police are to urgently interview the entire population of the UK after it emerged that an attempt had been made to murder UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

“We have identified a list of suspects who had a motive to kill Mr Farage,” announced Deputy Commissioner Bunsen of the Metropolitan Police. “This list contains the entire population of the country, excepting the gentleman himself, of course.”

“The motive most of these people seem to have for the attempted murder is that Mr Farage is a giant tosser,” explained the Deputy Commissioner.

“The exception being UKIP supporters, who see him merely as a tosser.” Continue reading

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“Should UKIP’s leader be a UKIP MP?” asks UKIP’s MP

Farage-radio

invited onto every single, bloody politics programme

UKIP’s MP Douglas Carswell says it’s time his party had a fresh face as leader.

“I’ve no-one particularly in mind” said Mr Carswell “but wouldn’t it be sensible for it to be one of our MPs? Someone who commands the confidence of the whole parliamentary party and gives an optimistic message for the future?”

Party leader Nigel Farage says he is unperturbed by implied criticism of his leadership style and that anyone who would rat-out their party and defect to a one-song choir like UKIP Continue reading

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No to yes in French and German: Ukip medium demands English name for ouija boards

English_ouija_board

Is there anybody there? No, it works due to the ideomotor effect.

Local medium and Ukip member, Aileen Kinsman, is calling for her party to spearhead a campaign to get ouija boards renamed so as not to put “decent English souls” off from making contact.

“It’s unacceptable for me to have to converse with those who’ve crossed over using equipment named in French and German,” she said. “They should be called YesAbsolutely boards which everyone can understand in an instant and not by a foreign title. I’m a psychic medium, for heaven’s sake, I shouldn’t have to deal with made-up nonsense.” Continue reading

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Nigel Farage suggests giant moat around Britain to thwart migrants

An artist's impression of the UKIP moat

An artist’s impression of the UKIP moat

UKIP leader Nigel Farage today suggested the building of a giant moat around Britain to stop migrants entering the UK.

“If we make the moat at least 20 miles wide and pretty deep, and throw in a few sharks and pollutants in the water for good measure, I think you’ll find the migrant problem is solved” beamed Farage.

Farage said the moat needed to be all the way round Britain to thwart those trying to enter from Ireland and Norway, as well as from France. Farage noted it probably wasn’t necessary to have a moat between England and Scotland, but if the Scots continued being uppity, he’d consider a wall.
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Miliband, Farage, Clegg, and Balls form Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young tribute act

Ed MilibandAfter what they say is a ringing endorsement from the British public, Ed Miliband, Nigel Farage, Nick Clegg, and Ed Balls have formed a Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young tribute act.

“The people have spoken, and what they said was rather than govern the country, we want you to keep the flame of folk music alive in small intimate venues and the occasional low-key festival” said Ed Miliband. “It is quite an honour – I can’t wait till our first gig in what they call a ‘public house’ in Harold.”
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Nigel Farage seeks endorsement from Alf Garnett

Alf-Garnett-008

He’s got 9.5 million followers on Twitter, you know…oh, wait, we’re getting confused.

Following yesterday’s snuggle-up between Ed Miliband and Russell Brand, Nigel Farage has met with a celebrity more in tune with Ukip’s policies and had a sit down with Alf Garnett.

“Alf is a wonderful man,” Farage told reporters after their meeting. “He’s of good white working-class stock and a true patriot. He told me that he understands what Ukip is trying to do and supports us whole-heartedly.” Continue reading

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African people: a pictorial guide

What Katie Hopkins thinks they are:

cockroaches

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What Nigel Farage thinks they are: Continue reading

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Gove says Tories won’t get into bed with Farage, but will consider kinky threesome in Commons toilet

Farage enjoying a pre-coital cigarette

Farage enjoying a pre-coital cigarette

Senior Tory and Chief Whip Michael Gove ruled out getting into bed with UKIP’s Nigel Farage after the election, but said a three-way bondage romp with himself, Farage, and Theresa May in the Commons toilet was still on the table. Nick Clegg might also be allowed to watch.

“Our MPs are renowned for cavorting with call girls, each other’s spouses, bondage mistresses, barely legal school children, and sundry animals in all sorts of locations. Our image would be ruined if we merely got into a plain old bed with Mr Farage. The Conservative Party has very high double standards to maintain” said Mr Gove.
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All guns no butter: Ukip’s manifesto believes in 1950s Britain

no-irish-no-blacks-no-dogs1

The good old days, apparently.

Ukip will give the nation a bloody good laugh today by launching a manifesto that’s as up-to-date as an episode of Dad’s Army. Relying heavily on the banhammer it, of course, would ban UK involvement in European politics but also ban the Department of Energy and Climate Change, green subsidies and the Department for Culture Media and Sport because these are complicated and Ukip basically just likes tanks. Continue reading

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Leaders’ debate: who won on socks?

sox

Mmmmmm. Socks

While many discuss who best represented their party position on the economy, or on immigration, a definitive view on who had the best socks has been hard to come by. Until now.

Miliband – two odd socks, one that said “Tuesday” and one that said “Sunday”, despite it being Thursday. Both socks said “right” and he needed help from his wife to put them on.

Clegg – promised in the run up to the debate that he would wear socks, even went into great detail about exactly what type of socks they would be. Then turned up without any.

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Search for a coherent Ukip policy finally called off

Fern-the-spaniel

At last, Flight Lieutenant Waggy-Tail can take a break

RAF Search and Rescue (SARF) have confirmed that they’ve called off the nationwide hunt for a Ukip policy that’s even vaguely realistic.

“The search has been a coordinated effort involving military and civilian professionals as well as dedicated volunteers,” said SARF Force Commander, Group Captain Abi McLean. “However the time has come to admit that all anyone’s found is unworkable nonsense and that there’s no chance anything sustainable and well-thought-out could’ve survived this long within Ukip.” Continue reading

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Nigel Farage filmed asking the EDL to chase him out of a pub

farage_2921024bNigel Farage has been secretly filmed begging the EDL to protest his lunch next Sunday by chasing him out of the pub.

“I’ve done nothing wrong,” he told us. “I was going to be seen sitting down with the EDL over a pint and getting them to drop the protest which would prove I can listen to opposing points of view and mediate. As long as those points of view come from white English men of course. Let’s not get carried away here.” Continue reading

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Nigel Farage ‘not sure’ if he’s ever met a black person

New evidence that Nigel Farage may indeed be colour blind

UKIP will scrap laws preventing racial discrimination at work, says Nigel Farage.

Asked if he would retain a ban on discrimination on the grounds of race or colour, he said: “No, as a party we are colour-blind. Luckily,  we can still make out light and dark shades.”

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John Terry angry UKIP taking the glory for Chelsea’s ‘Champions League racist’ achievement

Terry is said to be unhappy with UKIP taken all the glory for his racists

Terry is said to be unhappy with UKIP taken all the glory for his racists

Chelsea captain, occasional racist and former stealer of his team mates’ girlfriends and Champions League glory John Terry has spoken out at his dismay after UKIP appear to have taken a story about some racist Chelsea fans on a train and make it all about them.

“Why can’t we be allowed to have our racists splashed all over the papers without UKIP trying to get in on the act,” Terry explained.  Continue reading

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Tories and UKIP agree joint custody of he’s-foreign-born-so-we’re-not-a-racist-party MEP, Amjad Bashir.

10422400_10153213970213149_1811893741864321207_nFollowing his move in 2012 from the Conservative Party to UKIP, and then his more recent move from UKIP to the Conservative party, David Cameron and Nigel Farage have finally agreed a joint custody deal of the he’s-foreign-born-so-we’re-not-a-racist-party MEP, Amjad Bashir.

“It’s been a long battle, but we have decided that it will be so much easier to claim some of our best friends are foreign if we have him during the week and UKIP have him at weekends,” Prime Minister and Tory leader David Cameron said.
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Ridiculous comedy buffoon to stand against Al Murray’s Pub Landlord

pub_landlord_farage

Always good for a laugh

Comedian Nigel Farage will stand in his guise as “The UKIP Leader” against Al Murray’s “Pub Landlord” at the general election.

Mr Farage, whose hilarious character is based around a hatred for all things foreign, has formed the United Kingdom Independence Party.

He confirmed he would stand for election in Thanet South, in Kent.

He said: “It seems to me that the UK is ready for a bloke waving a pint around, spouting mindless far-right bollocks instead of offering common sense solutions.” Continue reading

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PM refuses to rule out coalition with President Snow

catching-fire-president-snow (2)

He may have his faults but he’s a hell of a spiffy dresser

Under intense questioning from Andrew Marr, David Cameron has refused to rule out a post-election coalition between the Tories and President Snow. A prospect that horrified critics have said will make the current government seem like a workers’ co-op run by Michael Palin and Camilla Batmanghelidjh. However the Prime Minister was quick to refute this allegation.
“Cornelius Snow is a good chap,” he asserted. “He works hard and more importantly has immense personal wealth and likes all the things I do. Furthermore his record in giving young people a purpose and a direction in life is second to none.”

Cameron also revealed that President Snow isn’t the only person he’d “do business with” confirming that initial soundings out have taken place between him and Tywin Lannister as well as Lord Voldemort.

“I don’t know why people are getting so het up about the idea,” he said. “These are strong. dynamic leaders. And anyway it’s not like I’m considering doing something that would truly screw the country and talking to Nigel Farage. Only a real fruitcake would consider a coalition with Ukip.”

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Photographers apologise: “oh, you said pictures of a Boxing Day ‘hunt’.”

IMG_0789.JPG
Members of the paparazzi have apologised to their employers after an instruction to get pictures of a Boxing Day hunt were misheard leaving them with hundreds of pictures of Nigel Farage.

“The instruction was to go out into the countryside and get photographs of a hunt chasing things that they class as vermin with guns,” one photographer told us.
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Painkillers to be reviewed after Ukip’s Kerry Smith claims they made him a prejudiced arse

bigotol

WARNING: can cause doziness. Do not attempt to drive or operate a political party when taking this drug

NICE are holding an urgent review into the use of painkillers Fascistadine, Bigotol and Powellcetomol as well as the sedative Insularin. This follows claims by Kerry Smith that taking them turned him into a racist and homophobic cock-womble. He also pinned the blame firmly on the drugs for his misogyny and possession of a level of arrogance that would make Kanye West blush.  Continue reading

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