Edits to a Wikipedia page that described Nick Clegg as ‘funny, bright, and full of testosterone’ have been tracked to a government PC, his.
The changes which included lines saying he was ‘well respected within the coalition’ and ‘an honest man, true to his word’ have now been corrected, but questions are being asked into who made the incorrect statements.
“I know they have tracked the changes back to my computer, but I promise it wasn’t me,” Nick Clegg told reporters.
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Or did he? Does this face say honesty and trust to you? We’re not sure.
There is consternation inside Number 10 today as Nigel Farage has finally proved his fitness to play a top flight role in British politics by fiddling his expenses (allegedly) and then adamantly denying that he’s done anything wrong. Continue reading
Filed under Politics
Clegg was unsure whether to appeal to the left or to the right.
Nick Clegg faced further humiliation this morning, after losing a conversation with a girl working in McDonalds.
Clegg, who revealed he eats cheap meat for comfort if people are mean to him, was left looking ‘out of touch, out of ideas and out of onion rings’ by the ordeal.
Nikki Hampton works at the fast food outlet to pay her way through her degree. Responsible for mumbling the names of burgers and then sniggering as people smash their door mirrors against her booth, she was more than a match for Britain’s deputy PM.
“I knew it was someone pretending to be important by the length of their limo”, said Hampton. “And true enough, when the blackened rear window dropped there was just this sad, little boy-man staring out. When he squeaked ‘a whopper please’, I knew that I’d got him on the ropes. He was literally in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
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Filed under Europe, Politics, Showbusiness
A bunch of tossers: sometimes this stuff writes itself
In a gesture of goodwill the government has invited everyone to the House of Commons today for pancakes. However before making their way to Westminster people are being urged to read ministers’ statements about the pancakes in order to determine if they meet the criteria. Continue reading
Clegg warned Knox that she could face the naughty step.
Amanda Knox was convicted by Italian courts of murdering Meredith Kercher for a second time, but is expected to appeal. Nick Clegg thinks that while Knox’s innocence or guilt is still in the balance, it would be better for everyone if she said sorry and avoided holidaying in Rome.
“The trouble with the law is that one person says one thing and then another says something else”, explained Clegg. “And before long, it gets really confusing and someone has to explain it to me.”
“But as I say to my kids when I hear them arguing upstairs: just say sorry, and then we can all forget about it.”
Amanda Knox had her initial conviction for murder overturned in 2011, but this overturn was overturned in March 2013. “See what I mean? You can waste hours trying to reach some form of justice. Come on luv, just look sad and move on.”
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Right, now for my ‘shocked’ and ‘concerned’ face. What do you think?
Lib Dem Party leaders have denied persistent rumours in the Westminster Village that they have a rogue MP who is not a serial groper.
Nick Clegg asserts he was quick to respond. “As soon as I heard of these appalling allegations against a backbench MP, I paused to reflect for about three years and then acted immediately. How did I act? Well, I acted ‘shocked’, with eyebrows raised, like this …and acted ‘concerned’, with a frown, like this. It’s not an easy look. Go on, you try it. See?” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
Sad but inevitable. The Nick Clegg character had long ceased to be useful.
Viewers of the soap opera Coalition Street are advised to have the tissues handy for tonight’s episode which promises to be a serious tearjerker as Nick Clegg will be seen choosing assisted suicide over annihilation at the next general election. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, Politics
You’re nicked, me old beauty
Shortly before the House of Lords vetoed the new law which would criminalise “causing nuisance or annoyance to any person”, it emerged that the law has already been used once – to arrest David Cameron and all his government ministers.
The new law allows anyone to be arrested and sent to prison for doing anything annoying at all, and has drawn admiration from repressive dictatorships the world over, but few expected it to be used so quickly on such a high-profile victim.
Acting on a tip-off from a man in Hull, police swooped on Downing Street yesterday in ‘Operation Fuckknuckle’, quickly rounding up someone they described only as “A 47-year-old Prime Minister” and his gang of shady associates. Continue reading
We probably should’ve used a picture of Nick Clegg for this but who would you rather look at?
Since May 2010 it’s been a national obsession and finally last night we were put out of our misery when just like BBC1 One’s Sherlock, Nick Clegg revealed how he faked his own death. While in Clegg’s case the death was political not actual it too required meticulous planning and gave rise to fevered online speculation.
Clegg was seen campaigning against tuition fees, scaring the bejesus out of everyone with his talk of a ‘Tory VAT bombshell’ and promising an increase in living standards plus taxes that would benefit the many not the few. He participated televised leaders debates with Gordon Brown and David Cameron coming across as possibly the least weird and Cleggmania happened. Continue reading
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It’s the frock on the right that really says massive financial inequality to us.
The venue for the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement this year will be the O2 Arena, Downing Street has announced. “The House of Commons is far too dreary a setting for the nation’s finest showing off their finest finery,” said artistic director, Nico Rubaiyat, “but in the O2, we can give The Statement the full son-et-lumiere makeover. I’m working with some beautiful pinks and oranges and there’s a bit of yellow in there too.” The show will be broadcast live on 5 December, simultaneously on BBC Parliament and Radio 1 Extra. Continue reading
Endangered species?
Downing Street is in full damage limitation mode this morning following reports that the Prime Minister has ordered aides to ‘get rid of all that yellow crap’ in the run up to the next election. If true this would be a massive u-turn since 2010 when David Cameron said being yellow was at the heart of his policies and pledged to run the yellowest government ever.
“It’s a matter of cost,” said a Tory party insider. “We have to make cuts wherever possible and the longer we associate with the Liberal Democrats the more it’s going to cost us at the ballot box because somehow they’ve managed to become far less popular than us. And a lot of people seem to hate us.” Continue reading
A valuable skills-orientated workplace for a modern Britain and definitely not a dark satanic mill. Honest.
While on a tour of a factory David Cameron spoke of his hopes for the future by declaring that he wants the vast majority of the nation’s children to grow up and work for the children of he and his friends.
“As a country what we ought to be saying is: ‘Let’s get our education system right so we are producing young people out of our schools and colleges who are fully capable of doing these low-paid, soul-sapping jobs for less money a week than I spend on micro-transactions when I’m playing Angry Birds,” the Prime Minister said.
‘I looked ridiculous’, claimed blue-tongued, 30-foot tall freak.
A leaf eating puzzle sweeping Africa has resulted in almost all giraffes wearing Nick Clegg masks for the next three days. The seemingly simple puzzle spread rapidly via Savannah media and was the talk of waterholes up and down Africa and beyond. The rare giraffes that solved the puzzle got to feel smug, and the masses that failed had to wear the Clegg mask and thus looked even smugger.
The puzzle involved a giraffe hearing their parents call from the waterhole 200 metres away. It is 3.00am and the parents have a bag of tasty and mildly hallucinogenic leaves, a bag of healthy leaves, and a bag of decorative leaves. The giraffes were asked what they would open first.
95% of giraffes said they would open the bag of tasty and mildly hallucinogenic leaves, 4% opted to open the door and then open the bag of tasty and mildly hallucinogenic leaves, and 1% said they would open their eyes and then get straight into the tasty and hallucinogenic leaves.
The puzzle caused furious debate throughout Africa, with accusations of unclear wording and outright cheating.
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The audience for his Q&A session far exceeded expectations
A better year: Dave and friends off to bag themselves a pauper or two.
From a cottage in Cornwall as he enjoys his fourth holiday of the summer, David Cameron has spoken of his regret that his ‘phenomenally bad back’ ruined his third holiday on the Island of Jura as it prevented him from taking part in one of his favourite sports – hunting the poor.
The Prime Minister has previously called poor hunting one of the most defensible field sports and is known to have been an enthusiast since his Eton days when he was a member of the Eton College Stalkers and regularly strode out with the school’s hounds in the pursuit of anyone whose standard of living left them marginalised and socially excluded. Continue reading
The world was a better place when men’s casual meant a slightly less restrictive waistcoat ; not flaunting your moobs in the faces of the unwary.
Nick Clegg raised eyebrows during a speech last night when he confessed that he likes to dress up as William Gladstone – the towering political figure who served as a Liberal Prime Minister four times including two years during which he was simultaneously Prime Minister and Chancellor of the Exchequer.
“It’s not a sex thing,’ Clegg told a bemused audience of cycling proficiency instructors. “It just makes me feel safe. When I dress as Gladstone I feel that I look right that it’s the real me.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics
Villagers this morning breathed a sigh of relief as the mystery of The Ghost of Harold was solved. For some months The Lodge, one of the most substantial properties in Harold, had been the suspected site of frequent supernatural occurences.
‘It was most disconcerting.’ near neighbour Marjorie Houndstooth told the Evening Harold. ‘Lights would go on and off and the recycling bins would be put out but no one was ever seen.’
‘I used to walk the dog past there every evening but in the end I changed route because it was getting too spooky,’ said local barber Geoff Taylor. ‘One night I swear I heard a voice whispering hello and Sweeney started wagging his tail like he does when someone’s making a fuss of him, the daft old thing, but there was no bugger there.’
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Nick Clegg has caused wide-spread offence by leaving a message in the visitors book at the Margaret Thatcher museum that has left many people slack-jawed with disbelief.
Simply known as Margaret Thatcher’s House, the former prime minister’s childhood home above her father’s grocery shop in Grantham, Lincolnshire has been preserved as a museum since November 1990 with many visitors left hushed and awed by its unique atmosphere of ruthlessness and scorn. Nick Clegg and his entourage spent over an hour touring it before he wrote “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Maggie was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a Clegger” in the visitors book. Continue reading
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