Tag Archives: News

Waitrose trial bouncers in stores to keep out ‘wrong sort of customer’

I don't care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you're not coming in

I don’t care how much you earn mate, if you do manual work you’re not coming in

Supermarket chain Waitrose have introduced bouncers onto the doors of their Leighton Buzzard store in an attempt to ensure that only ‘the right sort of person’ shops there.

The trial, which if successful will be extended to all Waitrose stores, is aiming to provide traditional Waitrose customers with a more pleasant shopping experience, and is based around a ‘think 25’ policy. If the bouncers suspect that a customer earns less than £40k a year they will refuse them entry unless they can prove that they earn more than £25k. Continue reading

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House of Lords overcrowding ‘due to too many mild winters’

The eyes have had it.

The eyes have had it.

Recent mild winters have been blamed for parliament’s upper house roll-call remaining stubbornly complete.

“Unless we get a severe cold snap, it may not be easy to lever in everyone who’s bought a peerage” said worried Tory Treasurer Lord Fink “so the PM will check long-range weather forecasts before making his final decision on numbers.”

After the Fred Goodwin scandal, big-money party donors saw that knighthoods could be lost for trifling matters, such as misplacing billions of pounds, and were more willing to stump up the extra for the guaranteed security of a peerage. Continue reading

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Filed under ice, Politics, Weather

Prime Minister’s QC brother does unpaid ‘Community Service’

No this isn’t Dave, but it’s a scary thought isn’t it?

 A complicated fraud trial has been halted by a Judge because of cuts at the Ministry of Justice.

“To be strictly accurate, there is essentially one ‘Cut’ responsible.” said Alex Cameron QC, working free of charge on the application yesterday, “Chris Grayling, known as the ‘Unkindest Cut of all’ down at the Bailey. At least I think that’s what they call him.” Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Politics

Now Osborne complains: “Evans asked for a Hand Out”

shocked nigel evans

“You’re kidding!” Evans sees his lawyer’s invoice

Nigel Evans will not re-apply for the Conservative whip until he knows if his recent defence costs will be met by the CPS, say friends.

“Obviously, as a Tory, I’d  be opposed to any increase in state funding, especially for defending alleged criminals” said the former Conservative MP.

“However, just as obviously, as a flesh and blood human being, I feel very hard-done-by and frankly, to quote my bank manager, ‘completely skint’”. Continue reading

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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics

Maria Miller’s handy guide to non-threatening phrase use

maria miller

“Do you want some?” When offering tea

Have you ever been embarrassed when a finance director keeps on asking you to justify your expenses claim? Maybe you were busy doing important stuff and forgot to explain but telling him to ‘P*ss off’ is rarely wise.

Sometimes your own career simply hasn’t prepared you for the task. If, say, you’ve worked in advertising – making things up for a living – you might not realise that sometimes people are supposed to be open and honest. Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Culture, News, Politics

Toxic pollution warning ahead of tonight’s debate

man in fog

Clegg is ‘almost certain’ his voter is still out there

Environment department Defra has said ‘very high’ levels of pollution, not seen in the UK since the evening of 26th March, would spread inexorably over the whole country today, from an epicentre near to the BBC’s Television Centre, shortly after 1900 hours BST.

“Those with blood pressure or heart disease or of a nervous disposition are urged to avoid watching any TV from 7 o’clock this evening.” said a Defra spokesperson. “BBC2 viewers will be most at risk but the damage will certainly spread onto news and current affairs programmes across all networks. Make it 6.30 to be on the safe side.” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Europe, Health, News, Politics, Sex

Mark Menzies: My Week in Westminster

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Here at the Evening Harold, like a Tory MP we have our fingers in many places. That’s why we can bring you this extract from Conservative MP and former PPS Mark Menzies’ blog: ‘My week in Westminster’

Well, it has certainly been  busy in Parliament this week.

Firstly during Prime Minister’s Question Time I urged the Prime Minister to continue to support Typhoon exports to secure the future of BAE Systems’ Warton site, while also reminding him of the quality of the company’s Fylde-based apprentices. Then I popped out to meet with Rogerio Santos. Young Roger entered the UK lawfully and so, as an elected representative of the UK, I decided to repay the compliment.

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Dyson solves yet another problem you didn’t know you had

'dyson'on hat

Getting your suitcase may take a while

Inventor James Dyson, who winters in Harold, has outlined the genesis of his latest ‘WTF is that?’ product.

“When I  got the Christmas lights down from the loft, the ladder was really cold.  Some dolt had only gone and stuffed loads of fibreglass wool above the bedroom ceilings, blocking  heat from downstairs! So  I whacked two 15 kilowatt radiators into the loft for a quick-fix.”

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Filed under Business, Christmas, Culture, News

Floods: ‘a great income-stream’ for river charity

floodmooring invoices

An elite River-Warden delivers an urgent bill for overdue mooring fees on this detached house

Flooded-out residents of usually sleepy Oxfordshire town Henley-on-Thames  have received unexpected demands for mooring fees from the Canal & River Trust. “At first I thought this was just some cruel practical joke” said Deputy Mayor Jarvis Marten, whose mostly-submerged dormer bungalow is more often a good two streets away from the Thames, “but sadly not.”

Canal and River Trust  took over care of 2000 miles of historic waterways in 2012, when  stick-in-the-mud British Waterways with  its rather old-fashioned  values ceased to exist. Robert Pearce, the Trust’s Chief Executive explained the rationale for sending out invoices to house-owners.“Trustees of any registered charity have a legal duty to maximise their charity’s income, so when we spotted this potential income-stream we were on it like bankers on a bonus bond. Continue reading

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Filed under Business, News

IDS: “will squeeze benefits spongers”

floodwater-home-flood-300

‘Disabled claimants could work from home’ : IDS

Under COBRA emergency powers, Ian Duncan Smith will soon deploy benefit claimants in the battle against rising flood levels. “The Prime Minister asked me to try to sink the unsinkable” the charismatic Work & Pensions Secretary announced today “and my next logical move is to use claimants’ innate spongy-ness for the public’s good”. 

Starting next week, long-term benefit claimants will lie down in flooded areas, sop up moisture until they are fully saturated, then go home to dry off overnight. “Research has shown that poor people don’t move very much anyway,” says IDS “nearly 40% of them are inactive, exercising less than 30 minutes a week. This way, they’ll simply exchange a stained sofa for a soggy field contaminated with sewage. In practice they’ll find very little difference”. Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Politics

‘Unfair criticism drove me to tears’ sobs Ofsted chief

roach

Wilshire now routinely wears a heavy disguise to reduce his unpopularity

Teachers’ leaders expressed support today for Sir Michael Wilshire, the embattled boss of Ofsted. Wilshire has recently been briefed against by zealous acolytes of pasty-faced Secretary of State for Education, Michael Gove.

“It’s not like criticising someone relentlessly is going to make them do a better job, is it?”  Wilshire had demanded tearfully of a clearly embarrassed BBC interviewer Bill Turnbull on this morning’s ‘Breakfast’ show “Where’s the fairness in that?” he snuffled from behind a hankie “Everyone will think I’m a clown”. Continue reading

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Gove rolls out ‘Teach First’ on-the-job training to Pilots

images (4)

Landing gear down. Now where’s that runway?

The Teach First initiative, currently being documented in BBC3′ ‘Tough Young Teachers’, is now offering franchises in other disciplines including Flying Big Airplanes and Open-heart Surgery (beginners). The underpinning principle of Teach First is that top graduates can be fast-tracked into front-line teaching on the back of six weeks training. Michael Gove is a keen supporter of the scheme, reasoning that as his own career was built on a short ‘Teach Yourself Journalism’ correspondence course, learning how to teach children must be a doddle.

“A big advantage of this nice cheap set-up” says Gove “is that Trainees learn just enough to pick up some flashy headline-grabbing tricks – but not quite enough to realise how little they actually know. It’s a very fine line for our Trainers to walk and of course they’ve had lengthy training for their role”. Continue reading

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Filed under Education, Entertainment, Health, News, Politics

Tories call for UK to ‘reposition away from Europe’

yerp

Plan will also make The North more prosperous.

Nearly 100 Tory  MPs have written to David Cameron asking for the UK to be repositioned in relation to Europe. Provisional thinking is for the UK as a whole to be moved 100 – 150  miles North-West into the Atlantic.

“The exact distance is subject to trial and error of course ” said Senior Tory Bernard Jenkin, who drafted the letter,”much the same as our financial plans for when we leave the EU. So, let’s say … far enough that we can’t smell the garlic, close enough they can hear xenophobic hectoring with a loud-hailer. Perhaps about 100 miles as a starting point. As a bonus we can use what’s left of the Tunnel to drain all our excess rainwater over to France. It’s probably their fault that it’s been so wet recently anyway.” Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, Europe, International News, News, Politics

Army running out of mugs

Hammond makes do with a paper cup. Again

Hammond makes do with a paper cup. Again

Philip Hammond has admitted to confusion over the Ministry of Defence’s continual need to refresh its stock of brave idiots.

“What happens is this,” explained Hammond who, when in front of a drab background, has to jump around in order to be seen. “I make loads of soldiers redundant and then, for some reason, I have less soldiers than I need.”Sure, at Oxford I read philosophy and so sums aren’t my strong suit but even allowing for that, I’ll be honest with you, it’s a conundrum”.

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Filed under Defence, News, Politics

Floods latest: MPs accused of ‘sandbagging’

picklebags

Eric Pickles does his bit for flood defences.

The Environment Agency is poised to commence a new Government venture today in an effort to protect Britain’s coastlines from further flooding caused by the current storms battering the South West.

It has been feared that budget cuts will have severe impact on the department’s ability to respond to emergencies. However Environment Secretary Owen Patterson has responded to these claims with the announcement that Civil Servants will be used to replace traditional Sea Defences. “Inanimate, deadweight and wet, Civil Servants make the ideal replacement for the sandbags we can no longer afford.” he told the commons yesterday. Continue reading

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Tech-savvy toddlers ‘falling over themselves’ for BBC’s 3D-eebies

cbeebies 3d copyBritain’s toddlers and babies are making a beeline for the latest ‘must have’ home entertainment craze, following successful trials of the BBC’s new 3D children’s channel.

3D-eebies is available through Freeview, and promises to revolutionise the way children gawp at brightly coloured idiots. But some parents claim that a fully immersive world with undue focus on rainbows could create yet another generation of teenagers who are bored by reality. Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Technology, Uncategorized

Village looks to get name attached to Heathrow airport

20130521-224730.jpgIn a bid to increase tourism into the village, Harold Tourist Board (HTA) have applied to BAA to have a major airport renamed. With the tradition of airports being named after a place they are nowhere near, the HTA are looking to change a well-known airport to Harold Heathrow.

“We have been looking at ways to increase the amount of foreign visitors coming to the village on holiday” the HTA said in a statement. “Someone suggested building an airport and calling it London Harold, but that would have been far too expensive. Continue reading

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Jeremy Vine solves slight disagreement – very few injured

vineish

Vine not looking his best in the Lickers just before 4am, wearing special radio shoes coated in sick

One of Harold’s most controversial issues has finally been laid to rest, after a chance visit from Radio 2’s Jeremy Vine.

Anyone who knows Harold also knows just how divisive opinions can be. Over the years the village has seen arguments between neighbours and friends, and even the odd family feud. Many a punch up in the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been blamed on disagreements, together with copious amounts of over-priced alcohol.

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Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, News, Uncategorized

Football chairman rules out bid for Gareth Bale

Won't muddy his boots for HTFC

Won’t muddy his boots for HTFC

The chairman of struggling Harold Thursday football club has conceded that there was probably not ‘quite enough cash’ in the kitty to buy the £80m rated player, despite the fact that  the purchase of Tottenham Hotspur superstar Gareth Bale would ‘do wonders’ for the club’s prospects in the Crumble’s Biscuit League.

“Although we are a small football club which makes only a modest profit, we are technically better off than a club like Chelsea which loses zillions every year,’ pointed out club supremo Billy McKean. Continue reading

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More park benches to be laid on as Trampsfest comes to Harold

tramp_master_361x470-1

Trampsfest – Salvation à la mode and a cup of tea.

Men of the road from across the country will be descending on Harold for the 53rd annual Trampsfest gathering later this week.

Thousands of tramps, vagrants, vagabonds, derelicts and panhandlers are expected to attend the festival to enjoy two days of fun, drinking, music, competitions, drinking, socialising and drinking.
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