We asked his family and they don’t know who he is either
The centre-right of the Labour party is up in arms, after Jeremy Corbyn sacked Michael … whatsisname, err Dugher.
Their feeling is that a strong Blairite is needed to pretend to do a job that’s already being done by someone else.
Dugher was previously not in charge of transport. Before that he was not in charge of anything at all, as shadow minister without portfolio.
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Filed under breaking news, News, Politics
He’s staring at the sky to summon more rain. And Cthulhu.
As the north continues to be battered by floods the Guardian newspaper has decided to blame the whole thing on Jeremy Corbyn.
“Ever since he became leader our stance has very much been when the news is nasty or scaremy, don’t think, just blame Jeremy,” Guardian editor Katharine Viner told us. “And the floods are a perfect excuse to carry on.” Continue reading
Where’s that pesky little apology?
Archaeologists were celebrating today after the discovery of what is thought to be the smallest, hardest to find apology in the history of writing.
The apology, which experts believe is on the bottom left corner of the front page of the Sun newspaper, was forced upon that publication after they were found to have lied to their readers by claiming Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn swore allegiance to the Queen for monetary benefit.
The Sun printed this story in massive letters a foot high, complete with a page-filling image of Corbyn with a jester’s hat clumsily Photoshopped on by a lazy intern.
The apology measured approximately 0.0000000000000000002 millimetres in height, was written in Welsh, and was actually only visible to eagles.
“We can’t believe we found it,” explained chief archaeologist Montana Evans. “We’ve never actually seen anything that small before, it’s a work of genius – only someone with the tiniest of tools and mind could have put it there.”
When asked why they had not apologised more noticeably for lying to their readers, a spokesperson for the Sun was keen to explain, saying:
“It’s pretty simple. We don’t want people to know we lie to our readers, so we commissioned this new micro-font that’s too small for humans to read, and used that.”
So sweet
Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.
A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.
Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black. “He’s very popular. I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”
The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.
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Filed under Christmas, Entertainment, floods, Labour, Movies, music, Tory sex scandal, Vicars, Weather
The Left united will never be defeated! Oops
There were celebrations all over Westminster last night as the Labour Party launched another splinter group to demonstrate their cohesiveness.
Open Labour joins Momentum, Labour First, The Labour That Melts in Your Mouth and Not in Your Hand, and The People’s Front of Judea amongst many other groups each espousing the ‘correct’ way to be left of the government. Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
“You don’t need a weatherman…”
David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.
Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.
“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.
“We just thought they were blood-sucking leeches” said shocked locals
The majority of the people arrested belong to the well known terrorist group ‘the Tories’ who have been launching attacks on domestic targets such as the NHS and disabled people for years.
But alarmingly the Tories have recently been joined by a dangerous splinter group called ‘Tory lite’ who have links to fugitive war criminal Tony Blair.
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Jeremy Corbyn says Britain should have obtained the World Heavyweight Boxing title through non-violent means, such as diplomacy or Frank Bruno.
“I accept by using Tyson Fury, Britain has won the world heavyweight crown, but at what cost? Innocent civilians had to listen to him sing an Aerosmith ballad” said Corbyn.
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Excuse me while I let this off…
Prime Minister Cameron has sent all MPs back to their homes and constituencies this weekend with clear instructions to examine their own consciences about the exciting prospect of bombing the shit out of Syria.
“It’s diplomatic language,” explained a spokesman for Number Ten. “Most of the male members [of The Commons] haven’t got a clue how to think straight and reason with logic, especially if they try to fit it in while watching Match of the Day.
“Their wives, on the other hand, have very clear views, often expressed in a tone of voice that obviates the need for further discussion, while cooking dinner, sorting the laundry, helping the kids with their homework and planning the Christmas seating arrangements.”
“Hopefully,” he concluded, “they’ll all come back here on Monday morning, eager to toe the line, or risk hanging their members [their penises] out to dry for the foreseeable future.”
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Filed under bombs, breaking news, Civil rights, Defence, Labour, Society, War
Ken says ‘He started it.’
Ken Livingstone, chair of Labour’s defence review, says not apologising to Kevan Jones for a mental health slur “until he apologises to me”, is an exemplar of Labour’s new direction on defence policy.
“My whole life models how the country should be run.” explained the former London Mayor and enthusiastic tax-payer.
“Rather like Jesus, Continue reading
Jeremy Corbyn has appealed to Wayne Rooney not to shoot on sight this evening but to attempt to coax the ball in with reason and dialogue first.
Corbyn favours peaceful resolution of international disputes, whether in Northern Ireland, the Middle East, or the dreary north-London suburb of Wembley.
Arbitrary time limits don’t help though, he said.”To build trust takes much longer than 90 minutes, and both of the teams and the innocent ball should be prepared to stay on until the weekend, maybe longer.”
“A well-known technique in the process is the use of various trust games.” explained the 2015 Labour leader. “One participant might, say, guide a blindfolded colleague round an obstacle course; so, very useful for Joe Hart.”
Corbyn outlined how other exercises can then move things on to a higher level. “Team-building exercises are especially helpful and might involve, say, building a log raft or engaging in some form of co-operative sport. Possibly volleyball or football”.
Jeremy Corbyn’s Privy Council swearing-in proved to be less frosty than envisaged thanks to the Queen quipping ‘while you’re down there sonny’ as he knelt before her.
Royal protocol is that new Privy Councillors kneel before the Queen and lightly kiss her hand, and there was concern staunch Republican Corbyn wouldn’t play ball.
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“Gott in Himmel – es ist Jeremy Corbyn”
In a small backtrack from yesterday, Sun editor Tony Gallagher conceded Mr Corbyn may have done a small nod as he laid a wreath at the Cenotaph, but said it was ‘too little, too late’ and Corbyn should have given the Hun a taste of cold, hard steel.
“We all know Corbyn is anti-war, but is it really too much to ask him to attach a bayonet to a Lee-Enfield rifle and slice through a few German tourists when it would mean so much for the veterans and their families?” said Gallagher.
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Corbyn’s mission is to save the planet from Tories
Jeremy Corbyn, the latest regeneration of the Labour Party leader, has become known as ‘The Doctor’ within the corridors of Labour Central Office for his eccentric behaviour and general unworldliness.
“It started as a bit of a joke because of his likeness to the actor Peter Capaldi and his dislike for wearing a tie” a Labour insider revealed, “but we soon realised that the similarity went beyond his appearance, thanks to his bizarre statements and unintelligible policies.”
“For instance,” continued the bemused insider, “as I was passing the Tardis – as his office is known – I’m almost certain I overheard Jeremy likening Ian Duncan-Smith to a Sontaran who could only be controlled by the evil Davros; and it is common knowledge that he believes the Queen is a Weeping Angel.” Continue reading
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Filed under Intergalactic News, Politics
Do you know who I am Mr Putin?
Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has revealed that his plan for an alternative to the Trident nuclear deterrent is to have Ronnie Pickering offer to fight any hostile countries.
The logic behind Trident is to deter a nuclear attack on the UK because, even if normal defences were destroyed, the submarine carrying the weapon could still launch a devastating retaliatory attack. Corbyn believes this same deterrent can be achieved with the threat of Ronnie Pickering offering to step outside for a bare-knuckle fight with anybody that nuked the country. Continue reading
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Filed under News
Like all State occasions this one has been relentlessly rehearsed with Her Maj’s Scottish home, Castle Black, standing in for Buck House
As republican and reminder of a lovely teacher you had at school, Jeremy Corbyn, continues to weigh up the pros and cons of bowing to the Queen when he is made a privy counsellor, Her Majesty has entered the debate by saying that he will “burn if he doesn’t bend the knee.”
The Queen is set to have Corbyn executed on the grounds that she’ll do whatever it takes to “get some respect.” She went on to add that “dear Cousin Stannis had the right idea.” Continue reading
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Filed under Politics
In a major scoop, newly elected Labour Leader, Jeremy Corbyn writes exclusively for the Evening Harold. This is mainly because we pretended we were from the Socialist Worker but that’s fine because we’re more working class than him so lying is acceptable.
Hello Comrades,
Well it’s been quite a week, but democracy has spoken and the revolution has started.
I’ve fulfilled my election promise by having more gels in my Executive Committee but I’m still hearing dissent from the rank and file because there aren’t enough gels in the top jobs. I’ve done my best by having a chap called Hilary shadowing the Foreign brief, but you can’t be too careful with gels. Until I get to know them how do I know one of them won’t turn out to be a Thatcher?
I’ve had to make a few changes to the Party structure already. I’ve dispensed with the services of all those spin doctors as we won’t be needing any of them anymore. Of course, it’s sad for the people concerned but the way I see it, that’s another 876 people added to the unemployment list showing that the vicious Tory policies are simply not working. Continue reading
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Filed under Corby's Corner, Politics
Tricky… Tricky choice…
After realising that Jeremy Corbyn is the first politician since the dawn of time to not be a corrupt lying bastard, the hundred thousand Conservative supporters who paid £3 to vote for him have all decided he’s actually the best of a bad lot, and the’re going to stick around.
“I paid my money to vote Corbyn, thinking I was consigning Labour to electoral oblivion,” admitted Brian Refrew of Harold. “It all seemed to go really well, but having heard him talk just after reading an Iain Duncan Smith quote, I thought ‘fuck it, I’m on the wrong side’.”
Somewhat surprisingly, the Daily Telegraph, who ran a campaign to get readers to vote for Corbyn, has also come out in favour of the left-winger.
In a editorial entitled “Bugger us, it’s obvious now we think about it”, the paper has urged its readers to pay the extra money to become full Labour members, and has demanded better treatment of refugees “just because it’s the right thing to do, which surprises us as much as you, if we’re honest”.
A charming trip down memory lane.
Up to 60,000 tourists have been refused entry to the deliberately grim attraction called ‘Corbynland’.
Some had waited patiently for over 30 years to visit the theme park, which features a nationalised railway for the ladies and a free lunch area for union members only.
“I got to the turn stile, and they asked me if I’d been to a rival tourist attraction before”, said Harold’s Phil Evans.
“I told them I’d been to a model village in Chipping Norton a few years ago, but it was very unrealistic. However, they said that was enough to get me barred from Corbynland.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Politics
Like a closed shop, but before the wheels came off.
Labour hopeful Jeremy Corbyn will push women into the sea in wheeled sheds, if elected.
The surprise announcement was made by Corbyn, who has pledged to reintroduce a number of similar initiatives abandoned by history.
“From coal mines and women-only carriages, to rickets and dinosaurs, I think we can all agree that the past was a better place”, said Corbyn.
Bathing machines were used by the Victorians, so that women could swim in the sea without men being offended by their calves.
Corbyn believes that rather than condemning the practice of ankle ogling, it would be less confrontational to set women adrift.
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