Tag Archives: Evening Harold

by | January 19, 2016 · 11:00 am

Maybe this one won’t end your marriage: defunct Friends Reunited launch Friends Reunited Reunited

Without Friends Reunited where on the web will we go to pretend to be happy? What alternative could there possibly be?

Pioneering social network Friends Reunited has closed after being deserted by millions of users who migrated to Facebook for all their creating an online persona that is a tissue of lies plus kitten videos and Minions memes needs.

Those few remaining souls addicted to Friends Reunited’s particular blend of anxiety and schadenfreude are being advised not to despair but instead sign up for Friends Reunited Reunited. A new site is dedicated to the old one’s glory days of recklessly throwing away your marriage for the chance to at long last play nug-a-nug with your fifth form crush. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Grim Reaper putting together a bloody brilliant band

Lemme-Bowie-Rickma_2641244aThe Grim Reaper has announced that his project for 2016 is to put together a truly remarkable band in the afterlife.

“I took Lemmy and then thought, hang on, this could be the start of something big so I carried on,” the anthropomorphic personification told us. “After Lemmy for bass I went huge for the front man and got Bowie and now there’s also Dale Griffin on drums and Glenn Frey on lead guitar.”

“A band this awesome needs a hugely charismatic person to introduce them and no one fits the bill like Alan Rickman.” Continue reading →

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by | January 14, 2016 · 7:00 am

Jeremy Hunt walks out on 24 hour strike

hunt-mad

Wiping spittle from his chin he shouted “That way madness lies.”

In an unexpected twist to the Junior Doctors’ dispute, Jeremy Hunt has  balloted himself and after a 100%  vote in favour of industrial action,  promptly walked out on a 24 hour strike.

Standing by a brazier in Whitehall, the Health Secretary remained in the mood characteristic of his approach throughout. “Right, let’s see how they like it; those bastards will come crawling back Continue reading →

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by | January 13, 2016 · 3:08 pm

TV hypnotist makes Jeremy Hunt push Junior Doctors ‘over the edge’

“Nothing up my sleeves. Nothing between my ears”

TV viewers were shocked yesterday as they watched Jeremy Hunt, acting under the influence of illusionist Derren Brown, pushed a large proportion of Junior Doctors over the edge into strike action.

“It was awful.” said Elsie Duggan, a resident at Over-the-Hill Nursing Home in Harold. “Watching the build up, it was obvious what was going to happen. Hunt looked completely crazed, although to be fair that’s his normal look. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

‘Don’t care, I live behind huge gates’: Osborne indifferent to financial doom

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If it all kicks off he’s got lots of friends who look like this

Dead-eyed Blue Meanie in a human being costume, George Osborne, has spoken of his indifference to the approaching financial apocalypse.

“Don’t really give one to be honest,” he said. “Maybe it should all go boom and slip into invigorating chaos. For one thing all that foraging and fighting would solve the obesity crisis. When I’m ordered to go out and meet the public I often think that what would benefit almost all of them the most is a good dose of Hunger Games.” Continue reading →

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by | January 11, 2016 · 2:00 pm

PM to demolish the worst social housing, before selling-off the rest

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Dave practices his Very Earnest face

Like his idol Churchill before him, David Cameron has launched his own version of Blitz spirit only in a modern twist he’ll be the one flattening thousands of people’s homes.

Many of the UK’s worst estates will be bulldozed, in his Blitz on poverty, creating more space for rich people.

Appearing on The Andrew Marr Show, the Prime Minister wore his Very Earnest face, answering questions so fluently one might almost imagine he’d sent them in to the BBC in advance. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:05 am

PM: Parents need to teach children “to vote the right way”

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“You in the track suit bottoms, yes you. Vote conservative.”

David Cameron has confirmed that his Life Chances Strategy for tackling child poverty must focus on parenting skills and completely ignore the effects of his own policies.

“If we waste time finding why there’s half a million more children in poverty since I became Prime Minister,”  Mr Cameron joked with journalists “we’d have precious few resources left to tackle the real issue, which is teaching your kids to vote conservative.”

Continue reading →

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by | January 10, 2016 · 10:00 am

New toilet you clean once a year sounds like a lot of effort, say teenagers

supertoiletAn “intelligent” toilet that only has to be cleaned once a year sounds like more trouble than it’s worth, teenagers claimed today.

The  Neorest 750H toilet, on display at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, uses electrolysed water and ultraviolet light to break down bacteria, so the bowl does not have to be cleaned for at least a year.

“That sounds like a real drag to me,” insisted Melanie Delaney, 19, from the English village of Harold today.

“In our house we have a toilet, and I’m pretty certain it’s never been cleaned, like not ever.”

“It never seems to get dirty though, so I can’t see why we’d want one you have to clean every year. And it doesn’t sound like a fun job, anyway.”

Continue reading →

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by | January 9, 2016 · 1:35 pm

Skin-browning product banned for ‘discriminating against idiot’

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Texture like sun…

Shortly after a Thai cosmetics firm was forced to withdraw its ‘racist’ skin-whitening cream, an American company has stopped selling a leading skin-browning product after it was criticised for discriminating against idiots.

The television advert for the “Oompa” product shows a user named only as ‘Donald’ attributing his success to his ‘superior brown skin’, despite the fact that he is clearly a bright orange colour, resembling nothing more than a soggy Jaffa Cake after all the nice chocolate bit has been nibbled off.

“My world is a tough world,” says ‘Donald’ in the ad. “Without my beautiful brown skin I would not command great respect, and people would think I am stupid.” Continue reading →

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by | · 6:57 am

Apple to remove headphone socket because company run by demons

You love it

You love it

Apple is rumoured to be removing the standard headphone sockets on its new iPhone because the whole company is run by demons infesting the thirteenth plane of hell who want to punish the human race, it emerged today.

The 3.5mm headphone jack is currently located on every man-made object in the world, and was voted ‘2nd most useful item known to humankind’ last year, coming in just after air.

A spokesdemon for Apple refused to comment on upcoming products, but did confirm that ‘the humans up in the land of daylight have had it easy for too long,” adding: “BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA”.  Continue reading →

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by | January 8, 2016 · 11:47 am

New alcohol guidelines don’t apply to you, experts confirm

imageThere was widespread relief today after alcohol experts confirmed that the strict new guidelines apply to other people, not you.

The wholly unrealistic new medical advice states that people are allowed only a miserly 14 units a week – equivalent to roughly a thimbleful of weak lager. There would be no possibility of sticking to this meagre ration, but fortunately it is only necessary for other people to do so, as it doesn’t apply to you. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Parents use home screen snog selfies to curb kids screen time

home-alone

The horror

Local parents have solved the problem of excessive screen time turning their children into drooling homunculi who don’t know what trees are by putting pictures of them kissing on the home screens of all their children’s gadgets.

“Nothing repulses kids faster than the idea of Mum and Dad, or Mum and Mum, or Dad and Dad, or Mum and Just Call Him Uncle For Now And We’ll See How Things Go getting amorous,” Harold parent Ceaserina Okereke told us. “Mine took one look and ran out of the room. Which is good because kids don’t get much exercise these days. Now instead of watching crap on YouTube they want to play board games and read books.” Continue reading →

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by | January 6, 2016 · 12:56 pm

New Monopoly piece launched with Rey using the iron

monopolyreyFollowing criticism of their decision to not include the female Rey character as one of the playable pieces in “Star Wars Monopoly”, the manufacturers have announced that the game will now come with Rey busily using the traditional “iron” piece.

“We recognise how bad it looked to leave out the main girl character,” admitted a spokesman from Hasbro, the makers of Monopoly. “We heard your criticisms, and we’ve moved swiftly to make things better, by introducing a new Rey piece, engaged in the womanly pursuit of ironing.”

“None of the other old pieces worked – we didn’t think she’d much fancy driving a car, let alone a ship, and the top hat was obviously out. But with the iron, we think we’ve found something that will both delight and be familiar to our girly customers everywhere.” Continue reading →

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by | · 8:56 am

World of science embarrassed as chemical symbols for new elements spell out ‘BIGBOOBIES’

periodic_table1 - Copy

The childish elements among us

The world of science was plunged into embarrassment today after sharp-eyed schoolchildren spotted that the symbols for the newly-discovered chemical elements, when seen on the Periodic Table, spell out the words: “BIG BOOBIES”.

The chance of these elements just happening to be named like this – Bi, Gb, Oob and Ies – seems so remote that red-faced heads of research at the world’s leading laboratories admit that it might not be entirely an accident.

Although the new elements were discovered and named by separate teams in different countries, there is a theory that the various scientists involved might just have got together and chosen names that spelled out BIG BOOBIES deliberately. Continue reading →

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by | January 5, 2016 · 12:00 pm

Internet divided over dog pant dress

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(White and gold on left)

A new picture of the dog wearing trousers made out of material from “the dress” has caused the internet to grind to a halt, as families fight bitterly and former friends stand divided over whether the dog would wear blue and black or white and gold.

“Society seems to have fallen into three distinct camps,” explained Evening Harold culture correspondent Piers Waghorn.

“Some people see the dog wearing blue and black, some see it wearing white and gold, and others see a bunch of wankers obsessing over a picture of a dog while our world slides rapidly down the toilet.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Dry January participants shocked to discover how crap world is

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Dry January: it never stops feeling like this

As the newly sober enter the fifth day of Dry January many have spoken of their horror at discovering that the world is at best like a long day trip to a pathetic waxworks where every single model has the face of the ex you most regret.

“I tried relaxing after work,” villager Jane Hough told us. “And ended up watching an entire episode of the One Show without the fluffy mind-shield that is a nice glass of red. For the first time I really listened to Alex Jones and Matt Baker and now I feel so dreadfully hollow.” Continue reading →

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by | January 4, 2016 · 12:22 pm

Government to build 13,000 pre-flooded houses in lake

houseinlake

Some rising damp

Stung by criticism of its housing and flood relief policies, the government has announced plans to kill two birds with one stone by building 13,000 new homes at the bottom of a large lake.

Outlining the idea, Prime Minister David Cameron explained that although it seemed initially counter-intuitive, the scheme would bring huge benefits through reducing uncertainty and bringing a “consistent environment where householders can plan ahead with confidence, without constant need for government bail-out.”

“In this unpredictable climate, people have no idea what to expect,” he argued. “Dry one day, wet the next – it’s all over the place. What we’re offering is a lifestyle where people really know where they stand. At the bottom of a lake.” Continue reading →

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by | January 3, 2016 · 1:43 pm

Attempted Farage murder – police to interview 64 million suspects

farage_car

A tragic near-miss

British Police are to urgently interview the entire population of the UK after it emerged that an attempt had been made to murder UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

“We have identified a list of suspects who had a motive to kill Mr Farage,” announced Deputy Commissioner Bunsen of the Metropolitan Police. “This list contains the entire population of the country, excepting the gentleman himself, of course.”

“The motive most of these people seem to have for the attempted murder is that Mr Farage is a giant tosser,” explained the Deputy Commissioner.

“The exception being UKIP supporters, who see him merely as a tosser.” Continue reading →

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by | January 2, 2016 · 12:23 am

Gyms call on government to do more to protect them from floods of new year’s resolutioners

Fooling no one

Besieged gyms are calling for the government to increase funding to protect them from time wasters who will only darken their doors once.

While technically this solitary effort does meet a lazy person’s goal of exercising more by temporarily raising their activity levels above that of a cushion, gyms are flooded to dangerous levels by their misplaced enthusiasm and over-elaborate gym kit that still has the labels on it ‘just in case’. Continue reading →

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by | January 1, 2016 · 2:35 pm

Cameron accused of cronyism after pigs dominate Honours List

“For political service”

David Cameron has been accused of ‘tainting’ the New Year’s Honours List, after it emerged that the majority of honours recipients are actually pigs who have ‘done favours’ for the Conservative Party.

It is traditional for the political party in power to reward those donors who have paid handsomely for the privilege, but the sheer scale of the pig count this year was a surprise to many. Of the 1196 names on the list, 874 were found on close inspection to be members of the pig family, including 68 wild boars and a warthog.

Most of these were knighted, but a sizeable contingent received OBEs, while the warthog was made a Dame.

It is believed that every single ennobled pig was connected romantically in some way with a Conservative minister, with the exception of ‘Wilbur’ from Charlotte’s Web, who was made a Lord on the strength of his charity work. Continue reading →

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