Awkwardness as Osborne hasn’t realised he’s for the chop too

osborne

The clue’s on your hat, George…

Unexpected awkwardness was growing in the Conservative party this afternoon as it became apparent that chancellor George Osborne hasn’t yet realised that he is required to resign just as much as David Cameron.

In a buttock-clenchingly embarrassing display of obliviousness, Osborne has signalled his readiness to roll up his sleeves and begin work on economic adaptation to the new realities, tweeting “It is not the outcome I wanted but I respect decision of British people and will do all I can to make it work”.

“We just haven’t got the heart to tell him,” admitted a party spokesperson. “He’s all keen to get going, he doesn’t seem to have any idea that his political life expectancy is about three milliseconds longer than his mate Dave’s.”

“It’s a bit like one of those chickens still blissfully running around after its head’s been cut off, only more awkward. And with less chicken.”

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When we said an extra £350 million a day for the NHS, we actually meant ‘f*ck you’, clarifies Farage

farage

And you, and you, and you…

Nigel Farage has taken a moment’s break from his loathsome victory writhings to clarify the Leave campaign’s promise to divert an alleged £350 million per day into the National Health Service.

“That was all bollocks,” he explained. “You see, we said that so that people would vote for us, but it isn’t true.”

“For a start, it isn’t actually £350 million. That was made up. We do pay into the EU, but we get most of it back. But that wouldn’t have made you vote for us.”

“The other thing, about giving the money to the NHS, that was what we in politics call a ‘lie’. We hate the NHS, we’re going to sell it to evil American corporations and deny all health care to poor people.”

“So it wouldn’t make sense to give it money, would it? Come on, be serious.”

“Anyway, today is a great day for democracy.”

“And to further clarify, when I say that, what I mean is – ‘you’re all fucked’. Thanks for listening!”

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Zimbabweans delighted at prospect of cheap UK holiday

'Should be plenty'

‘Should be plenty’

News that the Zimbabwean dollar appreciated 1,483,000% against the pound has generated a flurry of inquiries at Harare travel agents.

“I’ve always wanted to visit Britain but having to save 4,945 years salary to afford the airfare and hotel put me off” said Henry Mallari. “But now I can pay for the holiday with loose change I found behind the couch.”
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Entering a pig now second most embarrassing thing to happen to David Cameron

CameronHaving sexy time with a pig is now the second most embarrassing thing to happen to David Cameron, with leaving his child in the pub relegated to 3rd place.

“I’ve set the bar high, but this is really, really embarrassing” said Cameron. “And it will only get worse, do I really have to congratulate Boris and Nigel?”
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Delighted pensioners roll up their sleeves to create a vibrant new economy

oaps

Waiting for the Gangmaster for their first compulsory work detail

The silver-surfer generation woke up this morning, overjoyed by being alive, by winning the referendum, and by the prospect of the hard work of rebuilding the country.

“Not me though, love.” chuckled pensioner Elsie Duggan of Harold’s Over-The-Hill Nursing Home. “The youngsters will do it, won’t they? Those nice Polish plumbers down the road for starters, their daughters are both carers here, you know.”
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Turkey Christmas vote on knife-edge

Turkey

Happy now?

Turkeys are heading to the polls today to decide once and for all whether they should demand Christmas.

In a vote which is looking neck and neck, there is every chance that the nation’s turkeys will collectively decide that they want nothing more than to be slaughtered, roasted in fire and feasted on by salivating old Etonians.

“It’s about taking back control,” explained one turkey waiting patiently in line to be butchered. “I could live to a deeply dissatisfying  old age, or have my head cut off.”

“Well, it’s my head, and I don’t see why anyone else should tell me what to do with it.”

Celebrity Eurosceptic and glutton Michael Gove explained why a vote for Christmas was the best thing for Britain:

“Our Turkeys know that what they really need is to be smeared with butter, roasted for four hours, and basted every thirty minutes.”

“I’ve been stuffing them for years, and they don’t seem to mind a bit.”

When asked for a comment, drooling carnivore Boris Johnson merely burped and muttered something about gravy.

A spokesturkey for the Remain Alive For God’s Sake campaign expressed disbelief that so many turkeys were voting to be killed and eaten, saying: “Are you not paying attention? They are going to kill and eat us! With gravy! Is that what you want?”

“We’re game!” chorused half the voting turkeys.

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Everyone trying to remember important thing they’re supposed to do today

trying-to-remember1

When you want to think but your brain decides to recite Blackadder quotes instead

The whole country has woken up with the nagging feeling that they’re supposed to do something really serious.

“I keep racking my brains but nothing leaps to mind,” local pensioner Tom Stalling told us. “I can recall that people have been shouting at us and talking down to us for ages but now I’m buggered if I know what it was all in aid of.” Continue reading

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Gove disputes John Barnes’ assertion that he’s voting Remain

Trust me, why would I lie to you?

Michael Gove insists John Barnes will vote Leave tomorrow, despite the former England footballer clearly stating the opposite.

“The country’s had enough of so-called experts” droned the pasty cabbage-patch doll lookalike “John Barnes has set himself up as ‘an expert’ on John Barnes but has he got a hidden agenda? Continue reading

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Politicians worried that voters aren’t scared enough yet

Today both sides will be crossing the country releasing these onto high streets

As the Brexit and Remain campaigns launch into their final fevered day of shouting at the rest of us like we’re all five and didn’t go to the toilet when Miss told us too and now look at the mess there is concern on both sides that voters aren’t yet sufficiently terrified.

“I don’t want people mooching into the polling centre early evening to casually take part in a little light democracy,” said Boris Johnson. “I want them queuing up half the night scared beyond words by the thought that if they don’t get that cross in the leave box as soon as possible 800 million Turks will invade by teatime and bugger the NHS to death with a simit.” Continue reading

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Nation braced for being told how to vote by actors

Capture7777

Two people who live on a planet so different from ours they might as well be aliens

As the referendum campaigns enter their final frothing madness stage the UK is braced for a barrage of instruction from some of the most over-praised and overpaid people in the country. The list is long however the Evening Harold managed to catch up with two of the nation’s leading and most talkative thesps who spake unto us from their bubble of privilege.

Benedict Cumberbatch who last year in the West End nightly treated fans to a very long and ill-informed speech on Syria with a quick couple of scenes from Hamlet thrown in at the beginning said that actors should tell people what to do because “we’re just better than you”. Continue reading

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Shock as Boris Johnson calls for an amnesty for long-term Ukip supporters

NIP000204951795_1037800c

It’s a nice idea but how can people like this integrate into normal society?

Disastrous attempt to breed a golden retriever that could hold down a very simple job, Boris Johnson, was heckled at a Leave rally earlier today when he proposed an amnesty for long-term Ukip supporters. Continue reading

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Lab analysis of local kebab shop chili sauce finds ‘zero semen’ shock

Mystery solved

Mystery solved

Scientists at Dunstable Metropolitan University were stunned by results of a DNA analysis of the chili sauce at local Harold kebab shop I Shish You Not!, when data showed that no human semen was present, a new report revealed today.

“We had always assumed that the employees were rubbing themselves off like a troop of monkeys back there,” commented Dr Pauline Copland, lead food scientist at Dunstable Met where the study was performed.
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People who say they hate the Daily Mail still reading it constantly

dacre

Every time you click on the Daily Mail Paul Dacre rips the wings off an angel

Despite being the embodiment of no sane person’s values and an enemy of tolerance and reason the Daily Mail remains massively popular with everyone who claims to hate it.

“It’s a disgusting rag,” said local estate agent Gill Gates. “It hates women and relentlessly promotes division. I believe it represents the very worst aspects of our society. How often do I read it? Oh all the time. It’s on my bookmarks bar and I like to keep up with it so I can have lots of stuff to be outraged at throughout the day.” Continue reading

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‘Olympics is pants and we didn’t want to play anyway’ says Russia

211px-2016_Summer_Olympics_logo.svgHoofed out of the Olympics for fielding athletes with more drugs in them than the Wolf of Wall Street, Russia has said that it doesn’t care and that playing alone is “way so much cooler and more fun.”

Listlessly bouncing a tennis ball against a wall and trying to catch it one-handed Russia said that the Olympics were “rubbish” and that it didn’t want to compete against other countries because they’re all “gaylords and have fleas.” Continue reading

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“It’s too horrible down there” Tim Peake decides not to return to Earth

International_Space_Station_after_undocking_of_STS-132

You stay floating round your tin can, Major Tom, er, Tim

British astronaut Tim Peake is declining to return to Earth from ISS tomorrow as scheduled saying that he’s been watching the news and is going to “stay up here where everything’s lovely and peaceful, thanks.”

“From where I am the world is beautiful,” he said. “But up close it’s getting extremely ugly.
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Some celebrity relationship bullshit going on with Taylor Swift

Dating Taylor Swift? We're not really sure

Dating Taylor Swift? We’re not really sure

There is some kind of celebrity relationship bullshit happening, involving Taylor Swift and a man, or possibly two men, who are also celebrities, and apparently this is headline news.

Swift, who sells music, tweets about stuff and sues people, has recently broken up with one of the men and is now dating the other one, who does not play football for Hull City despite having a very similar name to somebody who does. Continue reading

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Employee spends entire working year completing last year’s performance appraisal

appraisalAn instruction to ‘write a few lines or a novel, but not War and Peace’ has backfired on a local council after an employee spent her entire working year completing her performance appraisal for the year ending 31 December 2018.

Previously criticised for not providing enough evidence in her 2017 appraisal, Harold Council Health and Safety Officer Joan Willis said she wasn’t going to make that mistake again so she ‘literally ticked all the boxes, and then some’ to produce a PA that left no doubt whatsoever that she met all the criteria for a 1% pay rise.
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George Osborne would be forced to eat your children in event of Brexit

I’d eat them with some fava beans

If Britain votes to leave the EU George Osborne will have no option but to eat your children in order to survive, the Chancellor has claimed in a statement today.

This drastic move would occur in tandem with massive tax rises and savage cuts to public services.

“Brexit would hit the economy so hard that I would have no option but to immediately increase the basic rate of income tax to one hundred percent, put VAT up to a million percent and cut public services to the point that your bins are only collected once every fifteen years.” Continue reading

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Public now nostalgic for when the news, social media was all celebrity deaths

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

Public would now accept the death of three national treasures to escape referendum debate on Facebook

The dreadful sequence of deaths of much-loved musicians, comedians and actors that saw in the year now looks like a golden age of feel-good news against the nightly horror show the public suffer now, says everyone.

As sad as it was to lose Bowie, Rickman, Wogan and Wood, there was a sense of gladness for having known them and their work which is completely absent from the current onslaught of unadulterated misery.

And as a bewildering bonfire of hatred and rage threatens to engulf their Facebook timelines, people are longing for a return to the simple times when all they had to do was tweet about how sad they are that a singer has died.
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Woman amazed when her meme brings about world peace

roflbot

Inspiration memes: inspiring

A local woman has spoken of her shock as the inspiration meme she posted on Facebook has been shared hundreds of millions of times and brought an end to all conflict and suffering.

“The news was seriously depressing me,” Julie Kettle told us. “I wanted to stand up and be counted and really make a difference. What better way is there to do that then stay in your PJs posting memes on social media?” Continue reading

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