Category Archives: Uncategorized

Jehovah’s Witnesses, Jean and Derek Fournissant have promised to sue the local Labour election canvasser if “that twat knocks on the door one more time”.

“He comes round at all times of day and night, banging on the door, asking us to believe in the one he calls the Saviour,” Mrs Fournissant explained.

“Not being funny, but if Ed Miliband is the Saviour then I’d rather burn in hell, suck the Devil’s penis or worse, donate blood.” Continue reading →

A report into Jimmy Savile’s activities at Stoke Mandeville hospital has concluded that if someone’s paedophilia is ‘an open secret’, and there have been ten complaints against him for abusing children, one of those being a formal complaint, it’s probably best not to give him unrestricted access to kids. Continue reading →

All of the nicotine and none of the water vapour! Also with added carcinogens and tar. With as few as ten cigarettes a day, you could be free from your e-cigarette in under a week! from as little as £5 per day!

• Cigarettes conveniently burn down to your knuckles, to let you know when you’ve had enough.
• Available in one handy flavour, that also masks the ones in your food!
• Tired of forever charging batteries? Thanks to their unique construction, cigarettes don’t need a power source. Other than a highly combustible fluid that you carry in a fragile plastic case in your pocket.
• Friends boring you in the pub? Pop outside with an ‘excuse stick’, and chat with complete strangers!
• Do you worry you’re not coughing enough? Clothes stink of fabric conditioner? Life insurance too affordable?
• With our ‘being a bit on fire’ feature, cigarettes light up just like a real LED. Convince others that you’re actually smoking!
• Gives a healthy yellow glow to your fingers and teeth!

Why not start today? With just a little bit of effort, you’ll soon be smoking like an old pro!*

 

*’Old’ in this context is anything over 56.

A mummified monk found in Mongolia is not dead, according to experts, he is just playing on his Xbox.

Senior Buddhists claim the monk is in a deep meditative trance, however gamers think he may just be stuck on a mission on Call Of Duty: Black Ops.
Continue reading →

Noel Gallagher has taken to the press to remind us all that he hates everyone just in time for the launch of his band’s latest album Chasing Yesterday.

The pre-release tradition which dates back to hating Blur in the nineties and his brother in the noughties this time has seen Gallagher hating Ed Sheeran and the Arctic Monkeys.
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Sky News has apologised for disruption caused to its transmission yesterday after a crazed woman armed with a fake script and an iPad stormed the studios and demanded to be let on air.

The woman, believed to be Kay Burley, was desperate to go on air to share her incoherent and often ill researched opinions with the nation.
Continue reading →

 

Politicians from all parties have started to go out into their constituencies to talk to normal people in the hope they get a good quote or story to use before the general election in May.

The traditions dates back many generations, with the first recorded story being told by Victorian prime minister Sit Robert Peel.
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“This washed up Lego means beaches are becoming impossible to walk on barefoot and the language on our seafronts is not suitable for young ears”. That’s the view of councils in Devon and Cornwall as millions of pieces of the foot crippling, expletive inducing plastic building blocks continue to wash ashore following a spillage from a boat in 1997.

“Its bad enough when you step on a piece on the stairs, but this is bloody everywhere,” a councillor in Perranporth, Cornwall explained. “This summer the beach was full of grown adults holding their feet, crying in agony, after stepping on these small pieces of plastic weapons of mass foot destruction.
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David Cameron has clarified comments he made to a parliamentary select committee about the possibility of fracking in his Witney constituency and other areas around Oxfordshire.

“There are plenty of areas I would be happy to frack,” he explained. “There’s Witney, not Chipping Norton, Carterton, not Chipping Norton, Abingdon, not Chipping Norton, Didcot, Banbury, Oxford itself. In fact there are hundreds of places that aren’t Chipping Norton or its surrounding areas, specifically Dean, I would be happy to frack.”
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Fifa have hit back at allegations that the bid for the Qatar World Cup may have been corrupt by releasing a report into the matter, which may be corrupt.

The report, which cleared Fifa, Russia, Qatar and anyone else with oil of any wrong doing, has since been criticised by the man who did the investigation.

The initial allegations came after Fifa voted to give a summer sporting event that gives people the chance to watch a game and have a beer in an environment that Fifa promotes as tolerant to all people, to a country that is like an oven in the summer, forbids alcohol, and gets a bit ‘stoney’ towards homosexuals and women.  Continue reading →

Harold council has announced the cancellation of the annual fireworks display following the display organiser, NASA, suffering from some pre-event technical issues.

Nasa had agreed to set off some rockets in the village on bonfire night, however the council decided after watching their latest effort that the event shouldn’t go ahead on health and safety grounds.
Continue reading →