Transferred from Chelsea, now steal balls to make ends meet
Liverpool FC agreed to a transfer deal with Chelsea to sign a marque fan who is happy to pay £77 for a seat.
Liverpool commercial director Ian Ayre said the signing of London stockbroker Gavin Edwards for a fan record transfer fee of £2000 was a key step in strengthening their £77 seat capacity.
“We lack depth in the £77 seat area, Continue reading
Unhappy times past, when Andy lost his wedding to Djokovic
Andy Murray has apologised for letting down his fans again, after unexpectedly losing the birth of his daughter to Novak Djokovic.
Although this was the first time Murray had made it through to the final round of a pregnancy, he was relaxed and happy before the event.
“I’d played well in the pre-natal classes” said the Scot. Continue reading
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It’s like you’re always stuck behind the brown…
Following the news that former Friends star Matt LeBlanc is to join the Top Gear team, the BBC has announced another coup by signing Jennifer Aniston to present late-night snooker show Pot Black.
“Jennifer is a lifelong fellow cuehead and I’m thrilled she’s joining Pot Black,” said former Embassy World Champion Steve Davis of his new on-screen colleague.
Aniston could barely contain her excitement in an interview for the snooker magazine Balls.
“As a snooker nut and a massive fan of the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield, I’m honoured and excited to be a part of this iconic show’s new chapter,” she said. “What a thrill!”
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Filed under News, Social media, Sport, TV
I’ll stick to punching other men
Oversized misogynist oaf, Tyson Fury, has been warned by the British Boxing Board of Control; to take his new status as role-model seriously, stop commenting on things in real life, and stick to punching seven shades of shit out of other men.
“Yes, that’s how many shades there are” confirmed a Dulux technician, rejecting Fury’s claim to have discovered an eighth.
Can’t see the resemblance, myself
Legal representatives of football ace Wayne Rooney have contacted the photographer who recently sold a picture of a potato, demanding that he immediately cease from “ridiculing his client”.
The photograph, which shows a roughly head-shaped potato lightly caked in soil, sold for £750,000 when it was spotted in a London gallery by a rich idiot.
“This is clearly an attempt to ridicule my client,” insisted a spokesman for Rooney.
“It is well-known that certain unpleasant, misguided people have in the past compared Wayne to a potato, and this is just the latest example of this cruel trend.”
“The juxtaposition of vast over-valuation with the muddy root vegetable is hardly subtle, and we think the photographer should be ashamed of himself.”
Photographer Kevin Abosch seemed bemused speaking to journalists this morning.
“It’s a potato,” he muttered, shaking his head. “I have no idea what they are talking about.”
Reporters then showed him a picture of Wayne Rooney.
“Oh my God,” he explained.
In the biggest blow to their dignity yet, UK asylum seekers are being clothed in Man Utd shirts.
Asylum seekers have previously been forced to wear red wristbands in Cardiff, and the front doors of their accommodation has been painted red in Birmingham, but that doesn’t compare with the humiliation of being dressed in Man Utd colours, say refugee rights activists.
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Murray overcome with joy
The Miss Universe 2015 contest has ended in confusion and disarray after the host mistakenly named Scottish tennis star Andy Murray as the surprise winner.
A shocked but delighted Murray had already been crowned, and was in the middle of a worldwide TV interview before the mistake was spotted.
“This is so unexpected, but I couldn’t be happier,” Murray announced in front of a cheering crowd. “I’ll do my very best to be as feminine as possible during my term as Miss Universe, starting with the grunting, that’s so important for us lady players.”
“I don’t think I’ve quite got the look yet, either. I’ve got quite a smooth backhand, but the rest of me is pretty hairy, to be honest.”
invited onto every single, bloody politics programme
UKIP’s MP Douglas Carswell says it’s time his party had a fresh face as leader.
“I’ve no-one particularly in mind” said Mr Carswell “but wouldn’t it be sensible for it to be one of our MPs? Someone who commands the confidence of the whole parliamentary party and gives an optimistic message for the future?”
Party leader Nigel Farage says he is unperturbed by implied criticism of his leadership style and that anyone who would rat-out their party and defect to a one-song choir like UKIP Continue reading
I’m letting you go…
In a move which has seemed inevitable for some time, Chelsea Football Club were last night finally sacked by manager Jose Mourinho.
Chelsea have been struggling this season, but given their pedigree it still came as a shock to many to see them let go. However, in recent weeks, it seems that the dressing room had completely lost the goodwill of the manager, which could only lead to them moving on.
In what some are calling the coup of the century, it is believed that Manchester United are preparing an audacious bid for the unemployed Chelsea team, as they currently don’t have one.
Mourinho issued a brief statement, thanking Chelsea for their contribution since he returned as manager, “but results have not been good enough this season, and we believe it is in the interests of both parties to go our separate ways.”
“I wish to make clear that Chelsea leave me on good terms, and will always be welcome to visit me at my villa in the Algarve.”
It is understood that as part of the severance package, Mourinho will allow Chelsea to continue to pay him until the end of the season.
A few commentators have noticed that it is more usually the club which sacks the manager, rather than the other way round, suggesting that no matter how special Mourinho might be, he will have trouble winning games without any players.
Others pointed out that it will be highly enjoyable to see the former Chelsea boss standing on the touchline alone, angrily blaming referees as the other team scores goal after goal completed unopposed.
In other words, business as usual, was the general opinion.
* Thanks to Alan Usher for the Man Utd line!
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Filed under News, Sport, Troubled Families
Lineker, wearing his helmet.
In a coup for the corporation, the BBC has managed to beat off some stiff competition, and retain the rights to pocket billiards.
Despite facing the loss of football, Formula 1, rugby, cricket, MotoGP, the boat race, the Grand National, darts and snooker, pocket billiards remains firmly in Auntie’s grasp.
“They’ve asked me to do they commentary”, said Gary Lineker, while jingling some change.”It’s not my speciality, but I think I can pull it off.”
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Jeremy Corbyn has appealed to Wayne Rooney not to shoot on sight this evening but to attempt to coax the ball in with reason and dialogue first.
Corbyn favours peaceful resolution of international disputes, whether in Northern Ireland, the Middle East, or the dreary north-London suburb of Wembley.
Arbitrary time limits don’t help though, he said.”To build trust takes much longer than 90 minutes, and both of the teams and the innocent ball should be prepared to stay on until the weekend, maybe longer.”
“A well-known technique in the process is the use of various trust games.” explained the 2015 Labour leader. “One participant might, say, guide a blindfolded colleague round an obstacle course; so, very useful for Joe Hart.”
Corbyn outlined how other exercises can then move things on to a higher level. “Team-building exercises are especially helpful and might involve, say, building a log raft or engaging in some form of co-operative sport. Possibly volleyball or football”.
Insurance assessors were quickly on the scene to add storage charges.
Lewis Hamilton has collided with a parked car in a conventional saloon, after being caught out by its ‘breath taking’ speed.
“Obviously, my company car is a hybrid, and if I go too fast I might run out of fuel or my tyres could go pop”, claimed Hamilton.
“So when I got behind the wheel of a normal vehicle, I think I got a bit giddy.”
Hamilton had been trying to keep a Mercedes behind him at the time of the crash, but was held up by a parked car travelling at roughly the same speed as a McLaren.
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Eerily, the doll is actually better at Scrabble.
Just hours after Bastian Schweinsteiger revealed he was suing the makers of a doppelganger Nazi doll, Wayne Rooney has launched his own legal action against Mr Potato Head.
“I was in a toy shop, looking for a present for my wife, when I suddenly noticed a display of tiny mirrors”, explained Rooney.
“I must have been there for 2 or 3 hours, just staring into them, when someone picked up one of my reflections and wandered off.”
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Scotland would not have suffered a heart breaking Rugby World Cup loss to Australia if the referee at Rugby School in 1823 had spotted an obvious handball by William Webb Ellis, according to Scottish rugby great Gavin Hastings.
“The ref should have noticed something as blatant as Webb Ellis picking up the football and running with it. If he’d spotted it, he would have given Webb Ellis his marching orders, and rugby would never have been invented” fumed Hastings.
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“What were the words again?”
Cup organisers apologised for the mix-up, but said consumer protection rules meant their hands were tied – if the advertisements promised an All Blacks pre-game haiku, a pre-game haiku needed to be delivered.
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An inspiration to millions
A spectator who walked onto the track at the Singapore GP has been installed as the bookies’ favourite to win BBC Overseas Sports Personality of the Year.
The 27-year-old shot to prominence when he strolled along the side of the track during the race around Singapore’s street circuit, and is now just six points behind Jenson Button in the Drivers’ Championship. Continue reading
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Toger in happier days, knocking one out at Augusta
Former world number one swinger Tiger Woods will not play around again this year after having emergency penis surgery.
The 39-year-old American, veteran of 14 major affairs, is hoping to return to playing the field in early 2016.
“This is certainly disappointing, but I’m a fighter,” Woods said in a statement on his website. “And a lover.”
The injury is believed to be due to a slightly misaligned shaft, possibly as a result of an overextended swing.
Doctors are confident that Woods will be back to his usual form in a few months, and sports manufacturers are already lining up to sponsor his equipment. It is likely that Toger will play at a members-only event at St. Andrews in May, where the infamous bunkers are certain to get his balls deep on the first hole.
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Wayne Rooney has admitted he may have been confused by the publicity about his appetite for goals after footage emerged of him eating Wembley’s goal posts ahead of tonight’s qualifier against Switzerland.
ITV cameramen were checking their monitors when they saw the veteran England captain run onto the pitch, pull up the goal posts and eat them.
“The posts themselves went in,” said the ITV, “complete with nets and webcams. We got excellent footage of them passing through Rooney’s digestive tract, thanks to their long battery life, waterproof casings and a good wi-fi signal.”
Panic set in among officials when they discovered that Rooney had also cleaned out the Wembley stockroom.
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He’s barely broken a sweat.
The art of Tai Chi body movement may be very gradually evolving into PE. That’s the claim in a new scientific paper, jointly written by an expert in Darwinism and a PE teacher from Harold.
“Evolution is a very slow process at the best of times,” said Dr Joan Mirror, “so when you’re dealing with the evolution of something as slow as Tai Chi, you’re probably looking at hundreds of millions of years before the hallmarks of PE begin to emerge.”
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Filed under Entertainment, science, Sport
Officials have roped off the Queen for the final stage of her attempt.
Crowds of fans are cheering the Queen around the clock, waiting for her to lunge over the line and set the record for Britain’s longest reign.
With just days to go, the public has joined officials from the Guinness Book of Records. Sat on a chair with a look of grim determination on her stamp-like face, the monarch’s reign is timed at regular intervals while the crowds roar her on to the finish.
“COME ON QUEEN! YOU CAN DO IT!”, yelled a group from Harold’s WI. “DON’T FORGET YOUR TABLETS! KEEP THAT HEART PUMPING! GOWAAAAN YOUR MAJESTY, NEARLY THERE!”
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