Save your kisses for me!
The announcement last night that deposed Egyptian President, Mohamed Morsi, is to appear on Piers Morgan’s life stories was heralded as a major coup for ITV.
Seen as the biggest TV event since Piers snatched Susan Boyle from under the noses of Virgin Media, the programme promises to showcase Morgan’s true journalistic brilliance as he holds no punches by asking the questions to which the world wants answers. Continue reading
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Filed under International News, Politics, Showbusiness
Nothing is more British than this
The BBC announced today that it is to broadcast a special episode of family favourite Doctor Who to coincide with start of Ramadan on 9th July. The exact details of the plot remain a closely guarded secret but it is understood that the Doctor will make a new acquaintance and share the meal that breaks their daily fast – iftar – with them and their family.
“There have been and always will be Christmas specials of Doctor Who,” said Paul Regan, a spokesperson for the show. “But as someone who travels throughout space and time the Doctor has of course witnessed many different religious festivals so this year we are showing him getting involved in one as well as reflecting a part of the hugely diverse Doctor Who audience.” Continue reading
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Filed under Culture, News, Religion, Showbusiness
Fluctuations in Fry’s weight in gold has been blamed on national treasure investors
Days after Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, told the House of Commons that the government will be selling off £15 billion worth of public assets now that their policies have done to the economy what the volcano did to Pompeii, the Great British Fire Sale began in earnest with bidding being opened on Stephen Fry.
“Assets aren’t just companies and institutions though God knows we’re flogging off enough of them: the Student Loan Company, Royal Mail, the NHS it’s all got to go,” explained a treasury insider. “The great wealth of a nation lies in its people. So they can jolly well be priced, packaged and sold off too. Simples.” Continue reading
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Filed under Economy, News, Politics, Showbusiness
Hello, what are these, then?
The BBC has apologised after inadvertently revealing to viewers of The Voice that there is an above-waist difference between men and women.
More than 1000 rabid drooling people smelling of urine phoned the corporation after Saturday night’s live final on BBC One to complain that presenter Holly Willoughby’s low-cut dress clearly showed that women have ‘upper body curvy places which might very well have nipples attached’.
The dress in question, a black lace affair, apparently revealed some five square inches of chesty skin, which caused a bespectacled man in Altrincham to spontaneously ejaculate in anger.
Did I tighten the tightropes?
Wallender, who comes from a family of tightrope walkers, prepared for his historic tightrope walk by spending the morning tightening the tightropes. “Once the tightropes were really tight, I knew the tightrope walk would be a breeze as long as the breeze didn’t get too breezy” said Wallender.
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Filed under International News, Showbusiness
Talk shit, I do.
George Lucas the creator of Star Wars has announced that he is releasing yet another DVD version of the first trilogy of films only this time with all the dialogue cut.
“As I looked them over one more time to see what ropey cgi I could add I was struck by a fatal weakness in all three movies that I’d never noticed before,” he said. “And it’s the dialogue. Thirty-six years after A New Hope was shot I finally released that every word in the script was utter bobbins and that that trend continued right the way through to The Empire Strikes Back then Return of the Jedi.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News, News, Showbusiness
Daleks ‘stumped’ by charismatic, short new Doctor.
Actor Tom Cruise was said to be ‘ecstatic’ this morning at the news that he is to become the next Doctor Who, following the decision by Matt Smith to leave the series after three years.
“I can’t explain how excited I am to find out that, unknown to me, I am the twelfth incarnation of the Doctor, thus at last freeing me from this Earthly domain to roam amongst the stars,” he confessed to Hollywood journalists this morning.
“I’d always suspected that I was not from this planet, but instead from somewhere like Gallifrey, where people aren’t afraid to tell the truth and everyone is slightly shorter than they are here.”
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Filed under Culture, News, Showbusiness
Baby Klay is the spitting image of his father, with slightly drier skin
If you like it, we’d love you to share it.
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May 21, 2013 · 9:45 am
Seth is as critically acclaimed as he is critically injured.
England’s blossoming folk scene is hailing a new hero, who has revolutionised traditional music by making an instrument from his own vital organs.
‘Seth Barley And His Musical Lung’ is selling out cow sheds across the country, and causing a headache for paramedics without satnav.
“I wanted to sing from the heart”, explained Seth, “but the risk of infection ruled that out.” Happily, after drilling three hand-turned wooden valves into his left lung during a dry-stone walling accident, Seth discovered that he had a new way of getting things off his chest.
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Showbusiness
What do you think of it so far?
Following ex-Pope Benedict’s decision to move into the Vatican along with Pope Francis, there were fears among Papal advisors that the unprecedented situation might lead to some ecumenical friction between the two holy men.
In a surprise to everyone, however, the Pope and ex-Pope have revealed that far from being discomfited by the living arrangements, they have actually embraced the celibate buddies idea so much that they have started performing old comedy double-acts, and intend to build up to a big break with tradition by swapping this year’s Christmas blessing for a revival of Morecambe and Wise’s famous “Breakfast” routine to the tune of “The Stripper”.
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Filed under Dating, International News, Showbusiness, Vikings
12 year old Harold resident Erica Carter’s story is certainly sadder than most, and she’s not what many would consider a natural star of the stage.
Born a mute, her mother died during the delivery of Erica and her twin brother Graham. Her father was driven to alcohol dependency under the stress of caring for the two children alone, and eventually took his own life when the twins were 5. Shunted from children’s home to children’s home, Erica could always rely on the support and voice of her brother, until he died two years later in a tragic landfill accident. Erica’s grandmother emigrated to the UK from Australia to care for her, moving to Harold to provide the warmth of a family she so badly needed. Sadly her grandmother passed away last August.
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Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, News, Showbusiness
Pop star Madonna was accused today of expecting the village of Harold to ‘roll out a red carpet and blast a 21-gun salute in her honour’.
The spat occurred after the 54-year-old self-publicist and her entourage arrived in a motorcade of black-windowed Range Rovers, demanding to see the fruits of the altruistic gesture she displayed during an accidental visit to Harold in 2006.
Harold’s Mayor, Rufus D Jackson, said that when Madonna had found herself in Harold after taking a wrong turning during the Confessions tour, she had been accosted by a fund-raiser for a Lifeboats flag day. Continue reading
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Filed under Culture, International News, News, Showbusiness
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