Category Archives: Showbusiness

by | November 22, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Monty Python reunite to flog a dead parrot

shutterstock_99313226_large_verge_medium_landscape

It’s so beautiful: John Cleese can’t hide his delight as he spots another royalty cheque.

T  H  E  A  T  R  E    
R  E  V  I  E  W

The zany members of the immortal comedy team, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, appeared live on stage last night for the first time in fifty years in an effort to raise much needed nursing home fees.

Performing their best known gags from their ever fading memories, it was only thanks to the prompting of the audience that they even got through the opening Cheese Shop Sketch after Michael Plain became lost and bewildered after John Cleese’s entrance to his place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Monty Python reunite to flog a dead parrot

Filed under News, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | November 12, 2013 · 11:00 am

Star Wars fans angry at news next movie will be set around Bristol

donkeytrooper

These aren’t the droids Eeyore looking for

Star Wars fans were venting their anger this morning after news leaked out from Disney studios that unusually for the series, the next Star Wars film will be set “largely in Bristol and Somerset.”

The current open casting auditions in Bristol had led some film buffs to question whether characters from the next film would have West Country accents, and it now seems that this is no accident.

“We’re really excited at the prospect of filming in the south west of England,” explained a Disney spokesperson today. “It’s a lovely part of the world, and fits very well with the plot of the next movie, which I can’t give away but is heavily based around cider.”
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Star Wars fans angry at news next movie will be set around Bristol

Filed under Culture, Farming, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

by | November 9, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Wheelie bin hopes for droid role at Star Wars auditions

starwarsqueue

‘Plenty of room inside for a midget’.

A wheelie bin from Harold has gone in search of his dreams, aiming for a key role in the next Star Wars film.

Fed up with being filled with fish heads, tin cans and used nappies, the star-struck receptacle thinks this could be his break.

“I’ve got plenty of life left in my tyres and there’s enough room inside me for a midget”, the general waste unit told us. “This could be my chance to go from ‘has been’ to ‘was bin’.”

Making the long trip to the Bristol auditions was a logistical nightmare, as the bin is normally only allowed on the pavement every other Tuesday.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Wheelie bin hopes for droid role at Star Wars auditions

Filed under Culture, Entertainment, Showbusiness, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | · 2:00 pm

Wheelie bin hopes for droid role at Star Wars auditions

starwarsqueue

‘Plenty of room inside for a midget’.

A wheelie bin from Harold has gone in search of his dreams, aiming for a key role in the next Star Wars film.

Fed up with being filled with fish heads, tin cans and used nappies, the star-struck receptacle thinks this could be his break.

“I’ve got plenty of life left in my tyres and there’s enough room inside me for a midget”, the general waste unit told us. “This could be my chance to go from ‘has been’ to ‘was bin’.”

Making the long trip to the Bristol auditions was a logistical nightmare, as the bin is normally only allowed on the pavement every other Tuesday.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Wheelie bin hopes for droid role at Star Wars auditions

Filed under Culture, Entertainment, Showbusiness, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | November 6, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Generic Celebrity decides to ‘put the record straight’ in new book, just before Christmas

20131106-115421.jpg

After years giving interviews, being on television and releasing press releases to respond to every news story ever written about them, Generic Celebrity has taken the bold decision to ‘put the record straight’ in a new book, just before Christmas.

“My reputation in the press is well known” Generic Celebrity told us. “I have often been accused of spending money, having sex, and occasionally being in a bad mood. Now it’s time I stuck up for myself and put my side of the story across, just before Christmas.

“Sure I could use my public profile to do it in interviews and through the press for free, but I think it will be far more dignified if I do it in a £14.99 book just in time for people spending money on frivilous shit, just before Christmas”.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on Generic Celebrity decides to ‘put the record straight’ in new book, just before Christmas

Filed under Lifestyle, News, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 7:00 am

Russell Brand shock: he’s not the nation’s moral leader after all

26th Annual ARIA Awards 2012 - Award Winner Portraits

Peter Pan complex: is Brand the sixth form debater who never grew up?

There was shock for Russell Brand’s acolytes yesterday when it turned out that he is not the nation’s moral leader and holds no official position in either government or the church.

“I thought he was like boss of everything,” said Harold resident and long-term Brand follower Sean Pavey. “Because he gets blanket press coverage and goes on Newsnight giving it the big I am, I assumed he was important.” Continue reading →

2 Comments

Filed under News, Politics, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | November 4, 2013 · 2:30 pm

‘Does my brain look big in this wig?’ Appeal Court Judges land live TV show

judges

Audience will be the judge of that.

Appeal Court Judges have landed a deal for a six-part series, to be broadcast live this autumn.  The deal follows a successful pilot episode called ‘Cameron v The Queen’ which went out live last Thursday afternoon.

Harold’s own well-loved resident actor Digby Burns, who describes himself as ‘currently laid up with a bad back,’ had the privilege of being one of those watching the pilot and has kindly written a review for the Evening Harold for a few quid to tide him over.  As a regular extra on Midsomer Murders, Mr Burns knows a thing or two about acting, especially falling flat on his face in the mud with a knife in his back.  “I’ve played that part many times for the opening credits sequence,” he said, “and the director is an absolute perfectionist.   I did 26 takes last time before she was satisfied.”
Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Crime, Entertainment, Lifestyle, Showbusiness

Tagged as ,

by | October 18, 2013 · 7:10 pm

EH advises Noel Gallagher: don’t look at paperbacks in anger

Noel-Gallagher

“I only read factual books. I can’t think of … I mean, novels are just a waste of fucking time.”

He’s got a point. Novels are hard to rip-off too. Unlike Beatles songs, eh Noel?

Comments Off on EH advises Noel Gallagher: don’t look at paperbacks in anger

Filed under Showbusiness

Tagged as ,

by | September 17, 2013 · 9:44 pm

Barrymore ponders ‘dark’ TV return

Too soon?

Too soon?

Comments Off on Barrymore ponders ‘dark’ TV return

Filed under Entertainment, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , ,

by | September 7, 2013 · 10:00 am

UK: a small island that no one listens to pulls out of Eurovision Song Contest

Britain in decline? Why can we no longer compete with this level of Euro genius?

UK in decline? Why can we no longer compete with this level of Euro genius?

Following on from resolving not to take military action against President Assad’s regime in Syria at this time and being dismissed as a small island that no one listens to by one of Vladimir Putin’s spokesmen, the UK has taken its first official step towards a reduced role on the world stage by pulling out of the Eurovision Song Contest.

“Europe is very, very far away,” said Spencer Chadwick, Tory MP for Harold and one of the leaders of the ‘No Euro’ campaign. “If some countries whose culture remains to most ordinary Britons unfathomable and whose lands remain unvisited such as, er, Ireland and France want to prance around letting off glitter cannons, singing formulaic pap and acting the giddy goat then that’s their business and not ours.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on UK: a small island that no one listens to pulls out of Eurovision Song Contest

Filed under News, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , ,

by | August 28, 2013 · 11:30 am

Jamie Oliver tells poor to shun cheesy chips and eat their nutritious babies instead

Another white, male, multi-millionaire Tory telling people how to live - just what this country needs

Another white, male, multi-millionaire Tory telling people how to live – just what Britain needs

In his latest interview as he plugs his new TV show, multimillionaire Jamie Oliver has spoken of his despair at the eating habits of the poor.

“I’ve spent a lot of time in poor communities,” he said. “And I find it quite hard to talk about modern-day poverty. You might remember that scene in Ministry of Food with the mum and the kid eating chips and cheese out of Styrofoam containers and behind them is a massive fucking TV. It just didn’t weigh up.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Jamie Oliver tells poor to shun cheesy chips and eat their nutritious babies instead

Filed under Lifestyle, News, Showbusiness

Tagged as , ,

Image

Channel 5 promises most exciting Celebrity Big Brother ever

Tumbleweed_rolling_2

Comments Off on Channel 5 promises most exciting Celebrity Big Brother ever

by | August 25, 2013 · 3:00 pm
by | August 24, 2013 · 3:30 pm

MacTaggart Lecture: Kevin Spacey says TV has entered “a third golden age”

Do you want to tell him about this or shall we?

Do you want to tell him about this or shall we?

Comments Off on MacTaggart Lecture: Kevin Spacey says TV has entered “a third golden age”

Filed under Entertainment, News, Showbusiness

Tagged as , ,

Image

X-Factor to be broadcast every Saturday and Sunday from now until Christmas

Tantrams

Comments Off on X-Factor to be broadcast every Saturday and Sunday from now until Christmas

by | August 18, 2013 · 2:30 pm
by | August 4, 2013 · 7:33 pm

David Beckham delighted to be new Doctor Who

The Doctor's new less-elaborate costume is going to result in some horrific cosplay.

The Doctor’s new less-elaborate costume is going to result in some horrific cosplay.

David Beckham has spoken of his delight on being chosen to be the twelfth Doctor Who.

“I am well pleased,” he said. “It was a bit hard to keep it a secret but Victoria wasn’t that bothered. She doesn’t watch science telly, finds it a bit too deep.”

Despite the Doctor being a huge role for any actor let alone one without formal training in his first professional job Beckham is confident he can excel.

Continue reading →

Comments Off on David Beckham delighted to be new Doctor Who

Filed under News, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , , ,

by | August 3, 2013 · 2:30 pm

SAS deployed to cover gestation and birth of Cowell baby

Thanks to these guys none of us will miss a thing. Choice does not come into it.

Thanks to these guys none of us will miss a thing. Choice does not come into it.

The SAS have been deployed on a street in Paddington to ensure that the months leading up to the birth of Simon Cowell’s baby gets the coverage it deserves. Normally active only in the world’s trouble spots several dozen of the elite troops are now providing 24/7 footage of the door outside the Lindo Wing of St Mary’s Hospital which became the subject of global attention when Prince George, Duke of Cambridge was born on the other side of it last month.

“Nay-sayers are complaining that it’s too early,’” said an SAS Major who cannot be identified for security reasons. “But with an operation like this there’s no such thing as too soon. We’ve got boots on the ground now and that ensures we won’t miss a thing from first scan to first cry.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on SAS deployed to cover gestation and birth of Cowell baby

Filed under News, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , , , , ,

by | July 28, 2013 · 10:00 am

Disgust as Justin Bieber defecates on fans

The Biebs out and about of an evening. Seriously.

The Biebs out and about of an evening. Seriously.

Unsettling Canadian pop-chipmunk Justin Bieber has topped off a controversial week by defecating on fans gathered under his hotel balcony.

Over the last few days the nineteen year old sign that the apocalypse has begun has spat on fans, allegedly attacked a DJ and been caught urinating in a mop bucket he found in a restaurant corridor. Now this latest exhibition of grim anti-social behaviour has increased speculation that The Biebs as millions of fans across the globe call him is going what’s known in the music industry as ‘a bit Michael’ and believing himself to be above the law and social convention. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Disgust as Justin Bieber defecates on fans

Filed under International News, Showbusiness

Tagged as , ,

by | July 23, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Morrissey: An appeal

UK+News+9-1

Heaven knows he’s miserable now.

As his planned South American tour is cancelled due to lack of funds the Evening Harold is launching an appeal in aid of eighties icon Morrissey. We refuse to accept that his current circumstances are down to the natural fading of a star who hasn’t released any new material in years and simply coasts on the back of endlessly repackaged hits.

Together we could help Morrissey be great again. He could create, the flame could burn and the tiresome arse who spouts racist drivel and is more embarrassing than most people’s nan could become nothing but an unpleasant memory. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Morrissey: An appeal

Filed under News, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , ,

by | July 20, 2013 · 4:16 pm

Harold remembers Mel Smith

Smith was COUS: a comedian of unusual skill

Smith was a COUS: a comedian of unusual skill

Although his connection with Harold is tenuous – he once popped into The Squirrel Lickers for directions and then popped back in half an hour later even more lost due to Eddie’s eccentric interpretation of such concepts as left and right – villagers are today remembering with fondness the comedian, writer and director Mel Smith who has died aged sixty. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Harold remembers Mel Smith

Filed under Around Harold, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , ,

by | July 14, 2013 · 1:00 pm

Statue critics point out that Freddie Mercury ‘never admitted he was a gorilla’

freddie

Never admitted gorilla tendencies

As the city of Norwich celebrates the new statue of the Freddie Mercury gorilla, some critics are pointing out that it is ironic to celebrate the singer’s gorillaness now, when he never publically admitted it in his lifetime.

Gorilla rights campaigner Peter Tatchell of “OookRage!” is disappointed that years after his untimely death, the singer is now being seen as a major gorilla icon.
Continue reading →

Comments Off on Statue critics point out that Freddie Mercury ‘never admitted he was a gorilla’

Filed under Art, Badgers, Showbusiness

Tagged as , , , , ,