Following on from resolving not to take military action against President Assad’s regime in Syria at this time and being dismissed as a small island that no one listens to by one of Vladimir Putin’s spokesmen, the UK has taken its first official step towards a reduced role on the world stage by pulling out of the Eurovision Song Contest.
“Europe is very, very far away,” said Spencer Chadwick, Tory MP for Harold and one of the leaders of the ‘No Euro’ campaign. “If some countries whose culture remains to most ordinary Britons unfathomable and whose lands remain unvisited such as, er, Ireland and France want to prance around letting off glitter cannons, singing formulaic pap and acting the giddy goat then that’s their business and not ours.”
Disappointed Eurovision fans are petitioning their MPs to vote again on the matter and keep the UK in the contest but admit that their struggle is probably in vain.
“Even if the UK does compete at Copenhagen 2014 we’ll die on our arse,” said top fan, Jane Hough. “The voting’s all political and the UK is about as popular as a pube on a vol-au-vent.”
“Also we’re crap,” said fellow Eurovision aficionado Naomi Adams. “I reckon it’s got nothing to do with being isolationist and everything to do with wanting to stop the embarrassment of losing all the time.”
Whether saving the UK from international embarrassment is a factor in the withdrawal from Eurovision has yet be determined however the FA have confirmed that that is precisely the reason the England team will no longer be competing in either the World Cup or Euro 2016.