Category Archives: Politics

BBC score ratings hit with new fantasy The Lion, the Witch and the Chilcot Report

Tony Blair

Blimey, the White Witch has let herself go

Millions of viewers have been enchanted by the BBC’s latest costume drama spectacular this time based on a book most people have read and not one they’re pretending to have as is the case with War and Peace.

The sumptuous adaptation of C.S Lewis’ classic tale tells the story of a small boy called Sir John Chilcot who wanders into a strange land held in the grip of winter by a powerful and deluded ruler who wouldn’t know the truth if it sat on their face and wiggled. Continue reading

Comments Off on BBC score ratings hit with new fantasy The Lion, the Witch and the Chilcot Report

Filed under Politics

Refugees crisis: UK will accept a few ‘better looking kids’

theresa-may

“We were really looking for the better-looking, Caucasian types”

The UK has agreed to accept some more refugee children but only those who are photogenic, or otherwise ‘cute’.

“Ugly kids bring more sympathy, and frankly they stand out too much.” lied Theresa May “We were really looking for the better-looking, Caucasian types, if you will, ‘paler’ and with blue eyes if possible.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Refugees crisis: UK will accept a few ‘better looking kids’

Filed under International News, News, Politics

Entire UK population criticised after ‘bunch of arseholes’ comment

arseholes

What a bunch of arseholes!

The entire population of the UK has been severely criticised after dismissing David Cameron’s government as “a bunch of arseholes”.

The remark came during Prime Minister’s Questions yesterday, when Cameron displayed an absolute lack of humanity towards refugees fleeing from a war he helped create.

Acting as one, millions of people across the country looked at each other and said: “That government, what a bunch of arseholes”, while Cameron laughed at the plight of the desperate starving thousands.

A spokesman for the government said the public’s remark was “completely unjustified and unfair,” adding that “Although there may be a large number of arseholes in the government, you cannot just lump them together and say everyone is.”

“We do not deny that David Cameron is an arsehole, but many of his colleagues are very nice. OK, Duncan Smith is an arsehole, and Osborne. And May, and Gove, and Hunt, and actually hang on, they really are all just a bunch of arseholes, aren’t they? Every single one of them!”

The general public was not expected to apologise any time soon.

1 Comment

Filed under News, Politics

PM says domestic violence victims ‘should man up’

cameronpointing

Calm down dear. Then make me a cup of tea, there’s a good girl

David Cameron has shrugged off a Court of Appeal ruling that the so-called bedroom tax discriminates against so-called domestic violence victims.

The ruling followed legal challenges by a woman with a panic room in her home, but the DWP had argued that she ought to ‘stand up for herself and grow a pair’, adding  that they might issue loans for abused women to learn martial arts and improve their employability.

Continue reading

Comments Off on PM says domestic violence victims ‘should man up’

Filed under DWP, News, Politics

Asylum seekers forced to wear ‘It’s a Knockout’ costumes

Daily struggle to fit in

Asylum seekers in Cardiff face humiliation by being forced to wear distinctive costumes from the old TV series It’s a Knockout, it emerged today.

In order to qualify for food and housing, the refugees must dress up as grotesque ogres, bloated Tweedledums or even monstrously inflated parrots, according to complaints made to journalists.

One asylum seeker explained the unpleasant conditions his family faced: “In order to qualify for food, I had to dress up in a ridiculous French waiter costume with a massively over-sized head, and negotiate a slippery obstacle course while being sprayed with water.”

“Hardly any of the locals had giant heads, so everyone could tell straight away I was a refugee. To make it worse, I kept slipping over on the giant turntable when they sprayed water on me, and there was a guy with a microphone laughing his head off and shouting ‘HERE COME THE SYRIANS!'” Continue reading

Comments Off on Asylum seekers forced to wear ‘It’s a Knockout’ costumes

Filed under Politics, Showbusiness

Charities ‘last chance’ to be bastards

charityoxfammers

Chuggers are the least of your worries, the thin end of your wedge

An influential committee of MPs has warned charities they’ve a ‘last chance’ to rip-off vulnerable givers, before a new regulator starts work.

“Opportunities for such outrageous, systematic, and heartless abuse will soon disappear” said PACAC chairman Bernard Jenkin “So my advice is to steam in now, while you still can.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Charities ‘last chance’ to be bastards

Filed under charity, News, Politics

IDS wants a hard copy of “disabled whiners’ letter”, so he can bin it

IDS-larfing

Duncan Smith hears the latest suicide figures for benefit claimants

An open letter from disability groups has been slammed by Iain Duncan Smith for ‘lacking substance’, meaning he can’t throw it in the waste-paper bin; one of the best bits of his job.

Duncan Smith explained  how he’s eradicating poverty by eradicating the poor and now wants to roll out the same approach to the disabled.

“The current system only encourages people to be disabled. Continue reading

Comments Off on IDS wants a hard copy of “disabled whiners’ letter”, so he can bin it

Filed under DWP, News, Politics

Corbyn-inspired oil price slump ‘a threat to UK recovery’ says Osborne

George-Osborne-hiviz

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve a housing estate to build, single-handed

As the world’s economy teeters on the brink of another crash, the Chancellor has identified that the blame lies with Jeremy Corbyn. “It’s his fault. Oh, and Liam Byrne, do you remember – ‘I’m afraid there’s no money’?, that’s him.”

Mr Osborne is angry that his successful long-term economic plan is being put at risk, by the Labour leader’s reckless meddling with the world’s economic levers. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Economy, International News, News, Politics

Jeremy Hunt walks out on 24 hour strike

hunt-mad

Wiping spittle from his chin he shouted “That way madness lies.”

In an unexpected twist to the Junior Doctors’ dispute, Jeremy Hunt has  balloted himself and after a 100%  vote in favour of industrial action,  promptly walked out on a 24 hour strike.

Standing by a brazier in Whitehall, the Health Secretary remained in the mood characteristic of his approach throughout. “Right, let’s see how they like it; those bastards will come crawling back Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Health, News, Politics

TV hypnotist makes Jeremy Hunt push Junior Doctors ‘over the edge’

“Nothing up my sleeves. Nothing between my ears”

TV viewers were shocked yesterday as they watched Jeremy Hunt, acting under the influence of illusionist Derren Brown, pushed a large proportion of Junior Doctors over the edge into strike action.

“It was awful.” said Elsie Duggan, a resident at Over-the-Hill Nursing Home in Harold. “Watching the build up, it was obvious what was going to happen. Hunt looked completely crazed, although to be fair that’s his normal look. Continue reading

Comments Off on TV hypnotist makes Jeremy Hunt push Junior Doctors ‘over the edge’

Filed under Health, News, Politics

‘Don’t care, I live behind huge gates’: Osborne indifferent to financial doom

A-police-officer-in-Downi-012

If it all kicks off he’s got lots of friends who look like this

Dead-eyed Blue Meanie in a human being costume, George Osborne, has spoken of his indifference to the approaching financial apocalypse.

“Don’t really give one to be honest,” he said. “Maybe it should all go boom and slip into invigorating chaos. For one thing all that foraging and fighting would solve the obesity crisis. When I’m ordered to go out and meet the public I often think that what would benefit almost all of them the most is a good dose of Hunger Games.” Continue reading

Comments Off on ‘Don’t care, I live behind huge gates’: Osborne indifferent to financial doom

Filed under Politics

PM to demolish the worst social housing, before selling-off the rest

Cameron-concernedface

Dave practices his Very Earnest face

Like his idol Churchill before him, David Cameron has launched his own version of Blitz spirit only in a modern twist he’ll be the one flattening thousands of people’s homes.

Many of the UK’s worst estates will be bulldozed, in his Blitz on poverty, creating more space for rich people.

Appearing on The Andrew Marr Show, the Prime Minister wore his Very Earnest face, answering questions so fluently one might almost imagine he’d sent them in to the BBC in advance. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Housing, News, Politics

PM: Parents need to teach children “to vote the right way”

cameronpointing

“You in the track suit bottoms, yes you. Vote conservative.”

David Cameron has confirmed that his Life Chances Strategy for tackling child poverty must focus on parenting skills and completely ignore the effects of his own policies.

“If we waste time finding why there’s half a million more children in poverty since I became Prime Minister,”  Mr Cameron joked with journalists “we’d have precious few resources left to tackle the real issue, which is teaching your kids to vote conservative.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on PM: Parents need to teach children “to vote the right way”

Filed under Children, News, Politics

Neanderthal genes to blame for Donald Trump.

neanderthal

The future of politics.

Scientists at the Boston Institute for Studies have discovered that human interbreeding with Neanderthals is the most likely cause of the modern condition known as ‘Donald Trump’. Continue reading

Comments Off on Neanderthal genes to blame for Donald Trump.

Filed under Badgers, idiots, News, Politics, science, Society

Blairites buy ice axe

ice axeThe right wing of the Labour Party say a new-found interest in mountaineering is behind their purchase of one shiny new and very sharp ice axe.

Blairite MPs Tristram Hunt, John Woodcock, and Mike Gapes say they are sick of all the infighting caused by Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership, and a trip to the mountains is just the tonic to clear their heads.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Blairites buy ice axe

Filed under Politics

Outrage as Corbyn sacks man no one’s heard of from job that wasn’t real

Dugher

We asked his family and they don’t know who he is either

The centre-right of the Labour party is up in arms, after Jeremy Corbyn sacked Michael … whatsisname, err Dugher.

Their feeling is that a strong Blairite is needed to pretend to do a job that’s already being done by someone else.

Dugher was previously not in charge of transport. Before that he was not in charge of anything at all, as shadow minister without portfolio.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Outrage as Corbyn sacks man no one’s heard of from job that wasn’t real

Filed under breaking news, News, Politics

Car-crash Farage to play clumsy Inspector Clouseau

fareau

Papers please!

As details of an assassination attempt on Nigel Farage become clear, the hapless UKIP leader is being touted as the new Inspector Clouseau.

During an interview on Good Morning Britain to explain his belief that he is under constant attack, Farage leapt behind the sofa, thrashed about screaming for a few minutes, then emerged, claiming he’d had to fight off a Bulgarian assassin.

“Phew, that was a close one,” he exclaimed to a bewildered Susanna Reid, who’d just asked if he might be exaggerating the seriousness of his car crash. Continue reading

Comments Off on Car-crash Farage to play clumsy Inspector Clouseau

Filed under News, Politics, TV

Attempted Farage murder – police to interview 64 million suspects

farage_car

A tragic near-miss

British Police are to urgently interview the entire population of the UK after it emerged that an attempt had been made to murder UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

“We have identified a list of suspects who had a motive to kill Mr Farage,” announced Deputy Commissioner Bunsen of the Metropolitan Police. “This list contains the entire population of the country, excepting the gentleman himself, of course.”

“The motive most of these people seem to have for the attempted murder is that Mr Farage is a giant tosser,” explained the Deputy Commissioner.

“The exception being UKIP supporters, who see him merely as a tosser.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Attempted Farage murder – police to interview 64 million suspects

Filed under News, Police, Politics

Cameron accused of cronyism after pigs dominate Honours List

“For political service”

David Cameron has been accused of ‘tainting’ the New Year’s Honours List, after it emerged that the majority of honours recipients are actually pigs who have ‘done favours’ for the Conservative Party.

It is traditional for the political party in power to reward those donors who have paid handsomely for the privilege, but the sheer scale of the pig count this year was a surprise to many. Of the 1196 names on the list, 874 were found on close inspection to be members of the pig family, including 68 wild boars and a warthog.

Most of these were knighted, but a sizeable contingent received OBEs, while the warthog was made a Dame.

It is believed that every single ennobled pig was connected romantically in some way with a Conservative minister, with the exception of ‘Wilbur’ from Charlotte’s Web, who was made a Lord on the strength of his charity work. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Politics, Sex

Letwin’s explanation in full: “I was a Conservative”

Oliver_Letwin_Official-300x300

Trust me, I’m a Conservative

Oliver Letwin held a press conference this afternoon, to expand upon his ‘unreserved’ apology for historical remarks, which anyone with a brain might view as racist bollocks.

“What needs to be borne in mind” began Mr Letwin “is that I was and remain a Conservative. Thank you all for coming.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Letwin’s explanation in full: “I was a Conservative”

Filed under Around Harold, News, Politics