Taking one for the team.
Casting aside his opponent’s offer of a role as party president, Mr Corbyn has told Owen Smith that when, sorry if, he is re-elected as party leader, his erstwhile challenger will be given a new honourary position of his own; that of dominated rubber clad party bitch. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, Corby's Corner, Labour, News, Politics, Sex, Tony Blair
“It feels just like the old days”
A giggly Tony Blair was seen yesterday, waving his credit card in the air and shouting “Let’s see you match that, Corbyn!” as security staff tried to ease him back into his home.
The former PM explained that he got the idea of multiple membership from Tories who signed up for £3 last year and voted for Jeremy Corbyn.
“Cherie and I hit the phones on Tuesday morning. We started at Adam Aardvark and reached Zebedee Zidane by Wednesday lunch. Continue reading
It doesn’t look overly peaceful
Theresa May will tell the House of Commons later on today why it is essential for the UK to spend billions upon billions on a missile system that we’re not allowed to use without the US saying we can even though they’ve got lots of missiles of their own and in the event of nuclear war will hog all the blowy-uppy action for themselves in order to make America, F*** Yeah! action films about it later. Continue reading
A few days after their ‘funneling money to their mates’ careers ended, David Cameron and George Osborne have resumed their ‘inheritor of money’ careers.
The pair were said to be exhausted after 6 years of coming up with ever more outlandish reasons why the poor had to bear the brunt of austerity, and pleased to now have the more relaxing job of rolling around in a pile of daddy’s money.
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Sturgeon checks if May is a Freemason
Theresa May says she is “willing to listen to options” on Scotland’s relationship with the EU as long as Nicola Sturgeon understands she won’t actually be doing anything about it or changing her mind.
Indeed, so as to avoid any misunderstanding, the PM insisted that Sturgeon tick a box agreeing to May’s terms and conditions, before she’d let discussions begin.
Justine Greening. Or is it Liz Truss? Who wrote ‘Eats, Shoots and Leaves’?
School staff are overjoyed to have a new Education Secretary, after the old one hung around for almost two whole years.
“Don’t get me wrong” said Harold teaching assistant Carly Jeffery “Nicky Morgan was great at first. But she sort-of ran out of steam. We’d sometimes go weeks without a new plan to combat left-wing teacher-training of the 1970’s.”
Ms Jeffery hopes new Education Secretary, Justine Greening will have plenty of new ideas Continue reading
File claims he’s already caught Mew in the same place you filed his claim to have saved the economy
Ex-Chancellor and future warning from history George Osborne has spoken of his delight at being sacked by Theresa May and dumped on the backbenches like an unwanted puppy on a country road. Continue reading
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Is the real reason Labour rebels are trying to get rid of Jeremy Corbyn because they are really really really scared he will win the general election?
Are Blairites (or is that Blairongs?) worried that a Corbyn victory could lead to the end of banker and defence contractor junkets, and consign them to years in the wilderness where a Murdoch party invitation and an oil war are both pipe dreams?
A future SO terrible they’d have to pay for their own drinks?
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The Mall, two minutes ago
A deliriously joyful nation has taken to the streets this morning to praise its new Prime Minister. A packed program of events sees celebrations taking place all over the country as Brits chuckle themselves to the point of orgasm over the ascension of another unelected leader who has consistently voted in favour of military intervention abroad and increased powers for the security services to monitor people’s activities at home. Continue reading
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With number of children now the key factor in choosing the Tory leader, unemployed father of 129 Dave Grobbelaar has applied to join the race.
Grobbelaar, who lives in Harold’s Shippam’s Estate, said he didn’t want to knock people who had less than 100 children, but he felt constantly fathering children gave him an unmmatched stake in the future of the country.
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Every picture of this poster has bl**dy Farage standing in front of it
UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.
In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.
“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”
“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, Brexit, News, referendum
He was the bass player in Gene, wasn’t he?
A shock poll has revealed that most people have forgotten who the windy sack of bobbins pictured on the left is. While his wide red face does ring a vague bell few are able to commit and state precisely why they know him.
“Something to do with livestock?” guessed local farmer, Phil Evans. “I remember having to put a no entry sign on the pigsties but I’m buggered if I know why.” Continue reading
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Sir John Chilcot: don’t argue with us, it bloody is.
Human embodiment of the abyss staring back at you, Tony Blair, has gone to Sir John Chilcot’s remote manor house along with Alastair Campbell, Clare Short, General Sir Michael Jackson, and other former senior politicians and military figures to find out which if them is guilty of mass-murder most foul.
After a long dinner expected to be interrupted only by the revelation that two of the guests are long-lost siblings and then a power cut during which gun fire will be heard everyone will gather in the billiard room to hear Sir John Chilcot’s verdict. Continue reading
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Filed under Chilcot Report, Politics
Happy happy joy joy
The Chilcot Report has been leaked ahead of its publication on Wednesday and contains devastating news for anyone incapable of thinking ‘Tony Blair’ without adding ‘should be in the dock at the Hague’.
The little friend of all the world especially dictators and Bono has been fully exonerated over the UK’s involvement in the Iraq War with Sir John Chilcot concluding that Blair has never even heard of the country or of weapons of mass destruction and that Alastair Campbell never existed in the first place. The report ends with a fulsome apology to the former PM and the recommendation that he be given a lovely pony and a hug. Continue reading
Filed under Chilcot Report, Politics
Definitely better than Gove or Farage
Given the options of May, Davis, Corbyn, Farage, or Baldrick, respondents overwhelmingly chose Baldrick as ‘at least he has a f*cking plan, which is more than you can say for the rest of the slimy lizards’.
Details of Baldrick’s plan are sketchy, but it is believed to be ‘a plan so cunning, you could pin Michael Gove on it, and call it a weasel’.
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Filed under EU referendum, Politics
Look on the bright side maybe Ben Swain’ll go back on Newsnight
The Thick of It creator, Armando Iannucci, has apologised to the nation for his latest project going entirely batshit.
“Although the original cast has moved on me and the writers wanted to keep the Thick of It going and so thought a live version would be fun,” he said. “It was supposed to be pop-up theatre performed around Westminster for a small crowd. Unfortunately our new characters and their grotesque ambitions and incompetence took on a life of their own and went rogue. Oops.” Continue reading
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At last a leader with convictions, intelligence and razor-sharp cheekbones
The UK is under new leadership this morning following a coup by the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, Lord Havelock Vetinari.
“Coup is a needlessly dramatic word,” Lord Vetinari told reporters. “I can hardly be said to have violently thrown a government from power when you don’t have one, or an Opposition. Both sides seem entirely preoccupied with what one might call ‘internal matters’. Indeed barely anyone noticed as I walked into Number Ten and installed myself in the best office and Drumknott in an suitable alcove nearby. The only person to do more than raise an eyebrow was Theresa May who I must say kicks like a mule and has a command of the baser aspects of the English language that is entirely formidable.” Continue reading
It’s a worry
In a move of either political genius or heartbreaking stupidity, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has sensationally resigned from his own shadow cabinet along with everyone else.
Giving the reason for his resignation as “the staggering incompetence of the leadership around here”, Corbyn seems to finally have struck a chord with Labour voters, seeing his approval rating leap.
“The people in charge of this party have to realise that their performance just hasn’t been good enough,” he explained to a bemused interviewer this morning.
“During the referendum campaign I was completely invisible, lacklustre and unconvincing,” he thundered. “And it’s about time I stood up and told me I’m not taking any more of myself.”
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The first bearded shadow front bench MP since Ann Widdecombe.
In a bid to kick UK political stability firmly in the nuts while the country tries to recover from an unusually bad bout of stupid; the Parliamentary Labour Party has decided that it can’t allow Jeremy Corbyn to remain as its most popular leader in a generation.
“There’s no room for selfless demonstrations of moral integrity in the modern Labour Party” said former shadow foreign secretary and twatfumbling cumblanket Hilary Benn. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, EU referendum, Independence referendum, Labour, News, Politics, Tony Blair
See *that* exit? I’m going through it asap
David Cameron has told Britain that somebody else can deal with all of the shit that will come from leaving the EU, because he is not having it.
“Every economic forecaster said what would happen in the event of a vote to Leave, but you chose to believe Nigel Farage instead.” said Cameron, already packing his Margaret Thatcher memorabilia into a cardboard box.
“Falling stocks, a nosedive for the pound, early warnings of job losses from business, but that’s ok apparently, because you were made vague promises about immigration and the NHS. Well you can deal with it your fucking selves.”
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