Category Archives: News

‘Threat’ sees local bus diverted to Dunstable coach station

EmergServiceES_468x303 copyA bus driver from Harold Bus Company has been described as “courageous” and praised for his quick thinking after he made the call to divert his bus to Dunstable coach station following a report of possible danger to the journey.

The bus, a Ford Transit B16F Minibus, was scheduled to arrive at the Town Hall at approximately 14:23. However the brave driver took a last-minute decision to divert to Dunstable after a call was received warning of an unattended item being left at the back of the bus. Dunstable is the bus station best equipped to deal with these kind of situations.

“Initially I thought it may have been a false alarm, but then I remembered what happened in the film ‘Speed’,” Gary Thorne, 43 and HBC’s driver of the year three years running told us. “There was only one way to find out if I was in the same situation as Miss Congeniality, and that was to get the vehicle up to 50mph.”
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Mayor offsets parish austerity measures ‘by buying massive car’

jackson limo

Mayor hopes car will support ‘up to six hookers’

Local Mayor Rufus D Jackson has reacted swiftly to criticisms of his austerity programme, by buying an ‘absolutely enormous’ car.

With budgets for the local library, citizen’s advice bureau and most bin collections cut by up to 100%, some villagers had started to question how this would lead to more growth.

But while Jackson admitted that the tactic was causing hardship for the sort of people he didn’t care for, he insisted that owning a massive car would help cheer up those that mattered the most.
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Disneylogians hail discovery of ritual, horse-shoed mouse fossils

This totes really happened. Trufax.

This totes really happened. Trufax.

Leading Disney theologians have spoken of their excitement, following the discovery of the fossilized remains of four tiny mice. Crescent-shaped ore deposits hint at feet shod with horse-shoes, the strongest evidence yet that Cinderella actually existed.

The discovery was made by 46 year-old Walter Higgins, using a metal detector on an allotment in a far-away land. The exact location of the ‘magic kingdom’ is a closely guarded secret, although Higgins is known to own a static caravan in Rhyll. Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, News, Religion

A ‘Divine’ New Look

Vegetable

Vegetable

Hello my darling Haroldites!!

Now, I know you’re all used to Pippa popping up on a Monday to brighten your post-weekend blues, and that a Thursday offering may just discombobulate you all, but I have some wonderful, wonderful news to share with you all.

Some of you may recall that just the other week, I gave an interview to one of my fellow Evening Harold reporters following the release of Dan Brown’s book about the divine Dante and the installation in Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! of a fabulous red cup, which we hope, will bring famous men to the village to look at.

Well, as a result of that I decided that a little bit of a remodel and makeover of Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! would be rather fitting, and hopefully create some intellectual stimulus for our patrons.

It may have come to your attention while you’ve been blatantly avoiding walking past visiting my lovely little café that some subtle changes have been gradually taking place, and that Dom, Melanie and myself have been working hard into the night after we close to customers.  (Simon did offer to help with the painting, but as talented as darling Simon is, I don’t think his particular artistry is entirely appropriate.)

floor copy

 

Well, tomorrow all will be unveiled in our little café, but for now I’ll give you just a little sneak peek!

(I do so hope the Rev. Tansy doesn’t disapprove of yet another sodding thing!)

Pippa X 

 

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Uncategorized

Village looks to get name attached to Heathrow airport

20130521-224730.jpgIn a bid to increase tourism into the village, Harold Tourist Board (HTA) have applied to BAA to have a major airport renamed. With the tradition of airports being named after a place they are nowhere near, the HTA are looking to change a well-known airport to Harold Heathrow.

“We have been looking at ways to increase the amount of foreign visitors coming to the village on holiday” the HTA said in a statement. “Someone suggested building an airport and calling it London Harold, but that would have been far too expensive. Continue reading

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Government bans maths

Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg's purpose.

Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg’s purpose.

David Cameron has announced at a press conference that the government has made maths illegal.

“We looked at what was best for Britain, what would help us move forward as a nation,” he said. “And the answer was obvious. What’s caused all our recent financial troubles that under George Osborne’s inspired and creative leadership as Chancellor of the Exchequer has got far worse than anyone imagined? Not sure that bit’s been written out properly, anyway it’s numbers. They are dangerous and so we going to ensure public safety by putting the understanding and manipulation of numbers beyond the reach of ordinary citizens.” Continue reading

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Picture Exclusive: Klay Rooney gives Wayne and Coleen their first sleepless night

Baby Klay is the spitting image of his father, with slightly drier skin

Baby Klay is the spitting image of his father, with slightly drier skin

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by | May 21, 2013 · 9:45 am

Venky’s set to buy, ruin Harold Thursday FC

He might get a game. On the wing.

He might get a game. On the wing.

Indian poultry firm Venky’s, the owners of Blackburn Rovers, have announced plans to buy and subsequently ruin local football team Harold Thursday.

With their mission to destroy Blackburn looking more successful by the day, the company have turned their sights to a new challenge and feel that the chance to take a team already playing in the 17th tier of English football, and attempt to make them even worse, presents the kind of opportunity that was too good to refuse. Continue reading

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Picture evidence shows Di Canio only 25% fascist

20130520-140212.jpg

(20% if you include the thumbs)

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Daily Mail to back gay marriage after realising it will improve house prices

Who wouldn't want to live next door to Biggins? He's lovely.

Who wouldn’t want to live next door to Biggins? He’s lovely.

The Daily Mail notorious for its homophobic editorials and columnists is set to reverse its stance on gay marriage after realising that it will improve house prices in the UK.

“It’s a well known industry fact,” said Harold estate agent, Gill Gates. “Gay people actively improve neighbourhoods and drive up house prices as more and more people realise that instead of living next-door to Terry and Stacey, their six kids and a rottweiller they can be next to two married guys with an adorable kitten.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, News

Google tax avoidance search

'Searching' for the truth.

‘Searching’ for the truth.

Just doing a bit of research into the hearing of the common select committee on tax avoidance, and got this.

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by | May 18, 2013 · 10:00 am

Widespread support for “slashing MPs”

Fire Brigade Union launch new 'cost effective' Westminster fire station.

Fire Brigade Union launch new ‘cost effective’ Westminster fire station.

A report into the cost of MPs in Westminster has recommended the whole system needs to be “transformed” to become more efficient and effective. This comes hot on the heels of a similar review that suggested the fire service also needed major reforming.

Reported incidences of competent MPs have fallen by 40% in the last decade but the number of £65,000-a-year parliamentarians has remained roughly the same. The report has stated having 650 separate “headless chickens” was not sensible.

“With some MPs being half as effective as others, tens of millions of pounds could be saved each year” the report’s author said. “I recommend cutting back on some of the non-effective ones such as George Galloway, Michael Gove and Ed Miliband.”

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Folk scene hails Seth Barley, and instrument made from own lung

seth

Seth is as critically acclaimed as he is critically injured.

England’s blossoming folk scene is hailing a new hero, who has revolutionised traditional music by making an instrument from his own vital organs.

‘Seth Barley And His Musical Lung’ is selling out cow sheds across the country, and causing a headache for paramedics without satnav.

“I wanted to sing from the heart”, explained Seth, “but the risk of infection ruled that out.” Happily, after drilling three hand-turned wooden valves into his left lung during a dry-stone walling accident, Seth discovered that he had a new way of getting things off his chest.
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Showbusiness

Asylum seeker demands right to be moody shambles

Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

Some days it’s not worth chewing through the straps.

An asylum seeker in Harold is demanding the right to be as moody and shambolic as the rest of the village. Ceaserina Okereke is seeking to put an end to stereotypes and have other Haroldites recognise that she is a confused mess who vaguely wonders what the purpose of it all is just like everyone else.

“People comment on how I’m always bright and happy as if that’s some trait every African woman has. Or if I’m feeling down and the kids are playing up then I’m a stern disciplinarian who is culturally unable to nurture and indulge her children. There is more to my thoughts and feelings than where I’m from or the colour of my skin.” Continue reading

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Becks announces retirement. Straight women announce no further interest in football

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You would. Don’t lie to us, you so would.

David Beckham has announced that he is to retire from football at the end of the season after 20 years in the game and spend more time trying to complete a word search from the 1987 Beano annual which he started as a 12 year-old.

The midfielder became the first Englishman to win championships in four different countries when PSG secure the Ligue 1 title and feels that the time is right to bow out of the game and concentrate on a children’s comic.

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Filed under International News, News, Sport

“Rio ferdinand’s England retirement a ‘victory’ for the BNP” claims Griffin

Although a blatent racist, Griffin claims to see both sides of the argument

Although a blatant racist, Griffin claims to see both sides of the argument

Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, has said the news that Rio Ferdinand has retired from playing for England a victory for racists everywhere.

Ferdinand’s announcement comes after John Terry was picked for the last European championship ahead of him despite being due in court for racially abusing his brother, Anton. Although the court cleared Terry of the charges, the FA found him guilty and banned him accordingly.

“Rio’s decision is the right one, and shows the growing support for fascism in the footballing community” Griffin told reporters.

“I think we need to thank John Terry, the England fans accused of racially abusing him at a recent game and Paolo Di Canio for raising the profile of right-wing nut jobs in the game.”
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Advertisement Feature: Could you be entitled to claim back ‘SSI’?

Claim back your 30p

Claim back your 30p

Have you ever been to a well known burger restaurant? Did you have fries and a drink with your fast food? Have you eaten your chicken out of a bucket in the last 6 years. If you answered yes to any of these, then you could be entitled to a refund of your ‘Super Size Increase’.

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‘I am always asked if I want to ‘Go Large’. A few times I have taken them up on the offer, only to find out I could not manage that much food. Despite that they continued to mis-sell SSI to me every visit. I received a cheque for £1.20.

So why wait. Call us today and we will fight your corner to claim back your SSI. Why not also ask our helpful customer service advisor about our other services. We can help if you have been mis-sold PPI, had an accident in the last three years, or paid a commission to a claims company for something you could have done yourself.

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Advertisement Feature: Could you be entitled to claim back ‘SSI’?

Claim back your 30p

Claim back your 30p

Have you ever been to a well known burger restaurant? Did you have fries and a drink with your fast food? Have you eaten your chicken out of a bucket in the last 6 years. If you answered yes to any of these, then you could be entitled to a refund of your ‘Super Size Increase’.

Many fast food outlets have been mis-selling SSI for years, but new government legislation means you could claim back all of those 30p’s. You have been mis-sold SSI if you went extra large without needing it, wanting to, or not having the extra calorie information explained to you.

Call now and our advisors can tell you if you have a claim. We have already helped thousands of people who have been mis-sold SSI. Here is what some of our satisfied customers have said

Melanie, 24 stone from Margate says:

‘I have been going to these places for years and every time I ate there I went large. Nobody explained the consequences the extra 5 fries would have on me and now I’m morbidly obese. It has undone all the good work I have done ordering each meal with a diet coke. I have managed to claim back every 30p from the last six years. Yesterday I got my cheque for £17,000.’

Sarah, size 10 from Clethorpes says:

‘I am always asked if I want to ‘Go Large’. A few times I have taken them up on the offer, only to find out I could not manage that much food. Despite that they continued to mis-sell SSI to me every visit. I received a cheque for £1.20.

So why wait. Call us today and we will fight your corner to claim back your SSI. Why not also ask our helpful customer service advisor about our other services. We can help if you have been mis-sold PPI, had an accident in the last three years, or paid a commission to a claims company for something you could have done yourself.

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Gove announces all 13-18 year olds to attend Eton

Imagine a whole generation just like these two.

Imagine a whole generation just like these two.

At a press conference yesterday Michael Gove shared with reporters what he called ‘the pinnacle’ of his education reforms by announcing that from September all four-and-a-half million school pupils in Great Britain and Northern Ireland aged between thirteen and eighteen will attend Eton College.

“This government is totally committed to improving social mobility and giving all young people the chance to succeed and achieve their full potential on their own terms. Unfortunately that’s actually really, really difficult so we thought it would be easier to make everybody the same and an Eton education is the key to absolute conformity.” Continue reading

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Village braced for tourist influx as Dan Brown’s Inferno hits shelves

Dante: Exile in Rome or Harold?

Dante: Exile in Rome or Harold?

Harold is braced for an influx of tourists following the publication of Dan Brown’s latest blockbuster Inferno. Featuring all the hallmarks of Brown’s previous novels: mystery; clumsy allusions to great works of art and prose that would make a dog weep with embarrassment, Inferno contains amongst its convoluted plot a puzzle that is set to place Harold firmly on the tourist trail.

Inferno is about Dante,” explained Brown fan, Cassie Fine. “His real name was Durante degli Alighieri which is an anagram of ‘There, under Gillia, dig’ so the connection with Harold’s obvious seeing as we’ve got an ancient grave whose headstone simply says ‘Gillia’. It’s so exciting! I can’t wait to know what’s in the grave.” Continue reading

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