“… whenever wealth or privilege are threatened”
The government defeat in the House of Lords has revealed a humble tunesmith’s status as international superhero, fearlessly parachuting in to vote whenever wealth or privilege are threatened.
Born plain Andrew Lloyd Webber, Baron Lloyd-Webber of Sydmonton struggled to come up with the tricky third name that hadn’t already been used, after learning there were no Puccini operas with superheroes he could rip off. Continue reading
Just down the corridor you say?
Leading Tory MPs were shocked yesterday, by news that a second chamber of parliament exists, up some steps, round a corner and down the corridor from their own.
Chris Grayling, Leader of the House of Commons, said it was the first he’d heard of the House of Lords but he’d go round and punch some people’s lights out, as long as he can put a set of knuckle-dusters on expenses.
David Cameron is very relieved that an increased risk of cancer is only if you put pig in your mouth, not the other way round.
“I checked with the World Health Organisation and they said you won’t get cancer if you put part of you in the pig’s mouth, you have to put pig in your own mouth” said Cameron.
“I was quite relieved, because many years ago I came across a pig that seemed to be choking to death on an apple. The apple was jammed in the poor pig’s mouth, I couldn’t get purchase with my hands, so I just … improvised” explained Cameron.
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An extra hour in bed
“The end of daylight saving time means the clocks ‘fall back’, and 7am actually feels like 8am” Dunstable man Nigel West explained to his 87 Facebook friends at 7.03am.
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Britain’s first black Home Secretary
Speaking to the National Black Police Association conference, Theresa May has identified the current UK cabinet as an ‘exemplar of equality in action’.
Mrs May went on to explain how her own experience, as a black woman from a disadvantaged social background, informs all her work on behalf of the people of Royal Windsor & Maidenhead. Continue reading
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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Police
A public vote on the name for the new Chinese funded nuclear power plant at Hinkley Point, Somerset has resulted in ‘Chinobyl’ being chosen.
Red-faced officials said they thought locals naming the nuclear power plant would help the controversial project gain acceptance, and they expected something like ‘Hinkley Point power plant’ or ‘Xi Jinping power plant’ to be chosen.
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Term time Disney – as empty as her education.
Children returning to school after term-time trips abroad could face a wall of silence around work they have missed while taking advantage of cheaper fares.
That’s the recommendation of teachers who see fines as ineffective against low- and middle-income parents who believe they have a right to go on discounted vacations in June that they couldn’t have afforded at summer market prices.
“Parents may think their children can catch up, or get the worksheets they missed – but if these measures are introduced, they will not even be informed what topics were covered while they were away. They won’t even know there is a 7-times table,” warned Carly Jeffery, assistant teacher at St. Mary’s primary school. Continue reading
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Children, Education, Holidays, Law and Order, News, Politics, Tourism, Travel
One of these will blow your mind…
The rapid increase in the number of click bait related deaths has led top neurologist Dr William Fish to call for immediate action to curb the practice.
He blames the recent growth in deaths by ‘blown minds’ on social media posts which offer to ‘shock, stun or amaze’ the most vulnerable, sad, gullible and pathetically easy to amuse members of society. Continue reading
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Filed under Badgers, Culture, Entertainment, Health, idiots, News, Social media, Society, spam, Technology
In the middle of the night he worries: ‘What if there is a god?’
As yet more steelworkers’ jobs are about to be axed, Business Secretary Sajid Javid has confirmed that the Northern Powerhouse is ‘just pretend’.
“All right, all right… Look, we came up with the expression one evening, after a very fine dinner. It was only ever meant as a joke, but Continue reading
The olives of wrath.
Donors to a Harold food bank can now meet the recipients, and snatch things back if they don’t look grateful enough.
Fearing her tubs of anchovy-stuffed olives might end up in the hands of ‘awful families with no manners’, Pippa Delaney won the right to pour scorn on poor people after taking the matter to the European Court of Human Rights.
“I’m not expecting a family that has fallen on hard times to grovel”, said Delaney, “but is it asking too much for a single tear of gratitude?” Mrs Delaney is asking the charity to draw up guidelines for beneficiaries, so they can show their appreciation more effectively. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, charity, Food, News
BOOOOOOM!! Have some of that!
Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, emphasised his credentials to lead the country today by bravely battering a 10 year-old Japanese boy to the ground.
During a visit to Japan Johnson fearlessly agreed to take part in a vicious game known as ‘touch rugby’. During this event he warded off an attempted assault by the child, who may be a member of some sort of street gang, using just his bare hands. Continue reading
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“Emissions? No, this cigar has a catalytic converter.”
Rogues have come a long way from the fifties and sixties, where they were marginalised into cheeky but loveable roles on the fringes of the economy; think George Cole as Arthur Daley.
You now find rogues occupying important roles in industry, finance and the public sector. But there is still “much to do” say leading rogues, as they continue to be blamed for many of societies ills.
From institutional racism in the police, to systematic greed in the banking sector, the finger is often pointed at a rogue.
And now VW, who find themselves engulfed by emissions test fixing scandals, are suggesting that rogues working as engineers at VW are to blame.
“We just do what they allow us to do,” writes an anonymous rogue in a book that promises to ” lift the lid ” on rogue culture, breaking their strict code of silence.
“Or we just do what everyone else is doing…but with a naughty glint in our eye, and a cheeky smile.”
However rogue community leaders have distanced themselves from the new book, dismissing it as the work of a rogue rogue.
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Filed under Business, environment, Motoring, News
Hunt tries to demonstrate how much blame attaches to him, personally
Popular Health Secretary, Jeremy Hunt is furious, after learning that his hospitals are £930m in the red in the first three months of the financial year.
“More than the whole of last year! Who the f*ck created this cock-up?” Continue reading
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Filed under breaking news, Health, News, Politics
Need no batteries
In a surprising move, Harold’s largest book retailer is to stop selling electrical goods and replace them with books.
James Daunt, the managing director of Musty Books, said: “We were told that paper was old hat and the future was in stuff that could be plugged in, especially from Amazon”.
“So we shifted out the paperbacks to the local Oxfam, and stocked up on microwaves, irons, kitchenaids and nutribullets Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Business, News
Starbucks executives are furious after an incautious purchase of a plastic bag resulted in the multinational making its first ever contribution to the UK Exchequer.
“5p doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a matter of principle” said Starbucks UK head Mark Fox.
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89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred.
The Chancellor of the Exchequer has promised to bring tried-and-tested private sector pension-fiddling to the public sector.
Mr Osborne’s Conservative conference speech today was peppered with trademark off-the-cuff humorous quips and interrupted by literally seconds of applause, from up to a dozen of his audience at a time.
“I’ve found new ways to fund the British infrastructure.” he told a spellbound audience. “We’ve 89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred. Continue reading
Even a sea cucumber could understand. Now be quiet, you’re holding up the queue
Selfish morons who waste everyone’s time at supermarket checkouts arguing the toss over the plastic bag tax will be charged an extra five pence from today.
“Anyone claiming that they don’t understand must pay,” said Woodrow Gunther, owner of Harold supermarket Guntco’s. “By using a shop a customer is clearly demonstrating that they are familiar with the concept of paying for things so getting the arse over plastic bags will result in them having to pay the stupidity tax as well.” Continue reading
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![[add photo from scene]](https://i0.wp.com/eveningharold.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/college-shooting.jpg?ssl=1)
[add photo from scene]
Initial reports are that [add big number] have been killed and [add even bigger number] are seriously wounded at [add place].
Little is known about the gunman at present, but media are swarming to the area and will soon interview someone who will confirm the shooter appeared [completely normal and was a credit to his parents / to be a loner who kept to himself].
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Do you know who I am Mr Putin?
Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has revealed that his plan for an alternative to the Trident nuclear deterrent is to have Ronnie Pickering offer to fight any hostile countries.
The logic behind Trident is to deter a nuclear attack on the UK because, even if normal defences were destroyed, the submarine carrying the weapon could still launch a devastating retaliatory attack. Corbyn believes this same deterrent can be achieved with the threat of Ronnie Pickering offering to step outside for a bare-knuckle fight with anybody that nuked the country. Continue reading
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Scenes during the FB outage would have made a great selfie
A Facebook outage that lasted for forty minutes on Monday night left civilisation on the verge of a complete breakdown.
Shops were looted in the search for photos of old school friends’ dogs, and angry mobs roamed the streets as the social networking site’s estimated 1.5 billion worldwide users were left with no way of communicating to everybody they have ever met all at once. Apart from Twitter. Or Instagram. Continue reading
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