Category Archives: International News

Australia’s reputation for sexual equality ‘in tatters’

les-patterson

It’s all about respect

There were fears today that the excellent reputation for women’s rights built up over many years in Australia could be fatally tarnished after various unsavoury incidents, including Chris Gayle’s embarrassing flirting and Member of Parliament Peter Dutton being forced to apologise for calling a female journalist a “fucking witch”.

Over the past hundred years or so, few countries have had the excellent reputation for sexual equality enjoyed by Australia. It has always been a given that at work or leisure, sexism was quite unheard of, and females could enjoy a life of absolute equality without the faintest hint of lechery or belittlement. This ingrained culture of inclusiveness is displayed just as much towards the country’s aboriginal community, who have always enjoyed better treatment than that of any other developed nation, and are so well represented in parliament.

It is all the more shocking that a country with Australia’s unparalleled cultural heritage should be besmirched in this way, placing at risk the great intellectual legacy left by former Prime Minister Tony Abbott.

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Filed under Culture, International News

Predictable early upsets in ICC Champions Match Fixing Trophy

Got me a golden duck!

Got me a golden duck!

Cricket’s showpiece Match Fixing event is underway in England with early results going by the lack-of-formbook. An understrength West Indian team playing on an unsuitable pitch was expected to be no match for the powerful Pakistani line-up and duly went on to win by two wickets in a close match.

“It was a disappointing result” said West Indian captain Dwayne Bravo. “We were chasing a low total and suddenly favoured to win. The boys just lost concentration and hit the winning runs when they had a golden opportunity to collapse and make us a bomb.”
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Filed under International News, Sport

Duke of South Africa seriously ill in hospital

Mandela and LizNelson Mandela, the 94 year old Greek-born Duke of South Africa, is once again in hospital with a serious lung infection. South Africans are holding their breath, worried that the pivotal figure in their nation’s history may not be around too much longer.

Mandela, the ex-consort of mother of the nation Winnie Mandela, has always loyally supported his wives and diligently carried out both official and charity engagements. But he has really endeared himself to the public by showing his human side with frequent gaffes, and by being a little bit racist.
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Filed under International News, Royals

Perfect version of original Star Wars trilogy to be released: all dialogue cut.

Talk shit, I do.

Talk shit, I do.

George Lucas the creator of Star Wars has announced that he is releasing yet another DVD version of the first trilogy of films only this time with all the dialogue cut.

“As I looked them over one more time to see what ropey cgi I could add I was struck by a fatal weakness in all three movies that I’d never noticed before,” he said. “And it’s the dialogue. Thirty-six years after A New Hope was shot I finally released that every word in the script was utter bobbins and that that trend continued right the way through to The Empire Strikes Back then Return of the Jedi.Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News, Showbusiness

‘Campaign to reclaim words that have become rude’ is launched by US Judge David Minge

minge

No, really.

American Judge and former US politician David R. Minge has taken a leave of absence from his judicial duties to launch a campaign aimed at “enriching the English language by reclaiming those words that have unfortunately gained new, offensive meanings.”

Speaking at a press conference this morning, The Honorable Minge explained: “In the same way that the N word and the Q word have been reclaimed by the Black and Belgian communities respectively, I hope to bring back common usage of such words as ‘nonce’, ‘fanny’, ‘knockers’ and ‘felch’, and in so doing remove their unpleasant new meanings for ever.”
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Filed under Culture, Golden Showers, International News

‘John McCririck sets precedent for companies to sack weird freaks everywhere’ claims C4

McCririck

McCririck may have lied on his CV when he claimed to be ‘not all that weird’

Channel 4 has hailed their sacking of John McCririck as ‘striking a blow against oddballs’, and has urged others saddled with irritating weirdos to do the same.

Turning up for work each day dressed some sort of  ‘shit Doctor Who’, no-one can remember how McCririck ever got past the interview process.

But while European law was supposed to stop employers treating normal people like disposable scum, there are fears the same protection has inadvertently been extended to nut-jobs.

“With his hand-tourettes and hair stolen from a badger’s pubic region, no-one in their right mind would justify keeping McCririck”, said a C4 executive.

Unfortunately for the broadcaster McCririck turned out to be quite old. That meant he could claim he wasn’t sacked for his abrasive personality, but because he might die fairly soon.
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Filed under International News, News, Sport

UK Government ready to release Lib Dem detainees

Clegg, Cable and Alexander await release

Clegg, Cable and Alexander await release

After Amnesty International described it as ‘unlawful detention’, the UK government has agreed to release its Lib Dem detainees. Believed to have been captured around the time of the 2010 election, the prisoners led by Nick Clegg have been ritually humiliated.

Defence Secretary Philip Hammond explained “these detainees were originally held for strategic purposes. Although some say it goes against the Geneva Convention, Clegg has proven himself to be a very useful human shield.”

Records show that the use of Lib Dem’s ended ‘many months ago’, yet David Cameron has decided to keep them locked up in coalition, a move the International Red Cross has called barbaric. However Mr Hammond defended his leader’s decision claiming he “could not guarantee the Lib Dem’s safety if they were handed back over to the public.”

The prison camp is believed to be located within the confines of 10 Downing Street, but those being held captive have only recently been able to get access to a lawyer to represent them. With many claiming this representation should have been offered at the tax payer’s expense long before now, the Defence Secretary told us that it had in fact been offered many times over a year ago.
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Filed under Crime, International News, News, Politics

Westboro Baptist Church modernise by allowing gay clergy

WBC protest with their new and improved signs

WBC protest with their new and improved signs

The controversial religious cult, the Westboro Baptist Church, have announced a set of reforms aimed at modernising the church and improving its public image. Although they have stopped short of banning incest and the brainwashing of children, they have come out and agreed to allow gay clergy.

The notoriously homophobic group have until now been bitterly against same-sex relationships, preaching their hatred with their infamous banners whilst protesting at military installations, schools and at the funerals of fallen soldiers. However in a bid to rebuild numbers in their church, the church’s founder Pastor Fred Phelps has decided to get right behind the gay community.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics, Religion

Will Smith to present Question Time

We'd let him chair our debate any day.

We’d let him chair our debate any day.

As part of the publicity tour for his new film Will Smith will present Question Time this Thursday. For the past few days the forty-four year old Hollywood star has been an ubiquitous media presence as he whips up enthusiasm for his latest sci-fi epic.

“Will has had a great time in the UK,” said his agent. “He’s gone on Graham Norton, been to a soccer match and in his downtime visited top London tourist attractions like Boris Johnson. Now with Question Time he’s trying something new.” Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News, Politics

Explorers discover a third and mostly dull America

Apparently not all American look like this.

Apparently they don’t all look like this

The standard cliché when reporting on news from the USA may have to be retired following claims from explorers that a third America has been discovered.

“We’re very excited,” said Louisa McClaren, reader in geography at Dunstable University and leader of an expedition which saw a small team of  researchers visit all fifty states in the USA. “For a long time pundits have endlessly claimed that America is really two countries with the coastal cities being one and the one where all the culture, science and coherent politics happens and that that country is wrapped around a sprawling mass of flyover states whose inhabitants have dispensed with rational thought and fully embraced Christian fundamentalism, firearms and morbid obesity.” Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News

Cameron listens to grassroots – bans “swivel-eyed loon” marriage

Where are all the canapes?

Where are all the canapes?

After listening to grass-roots Tory concerns about the Marriage Equality Bill, Prime Minister David Cameron says he has reconsidered his views, and as a compromise he will ban marriages between swivel-eyed loons while allowing same-sex couples to marry.

“I heard the message loud and clear that not all groups in society should be allowed to marry” said Cameron. “When I saw the activists foam at the mouth and roll their eyes randomly while spouting anti-gay hate, I realised something had to be done.”

“It was either ban swivel-eyed loons from marrying and breeding or transport them all to Australia. Unfortunately Australia has already filled their swivel-eyed loon quota so marriage ban it is.”
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Filed under Felching Bumsquats, International News, Lifestyle, Politics

African village adopts Angelina Jolie’s breasts

safe and sound

safe and sound

Support for Angelina Jolie after her double mastectomy has reached all corners of the globe with the news that the Angolan village of Malu has agreed to adopt her breasts.

Malu village chief Oongal Weel said that while the circumstances of Jolie’s breasts becoming orphaned were tragic, he was confident they would be well looked after in the village.

“The local women have vowed to treat them as they would their own” said Mr Weel. “Even a number of men have expressed an interest in caring for them.”

The move has sparked controversy, with psychologists saying that while the move was well meaning, there could be long-term issues in integrating breasts of a white, global superstar into a very poor African village.

Despite these concerns, other African villages are jumping on the celebrity body part adoption bandwagon.
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Filed under International News, Lifestyle

Becks announces retirement. Straight women announce no further interest in football

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You would. Don’t lie to us, you so would.

David Beckham has announced that he is to retire from football at the end of the season after 20 years in the game and spend more time trying to complete a word search from the 1987 Beano annual which he started as a 12 year-old.

The midfielder became the first Englishman to win championships in four different countries when PSG secure the Ligue 1 title and feels that the time is right to bow out of the game and concentrate on a children’s comic.

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Filed under International News, News, Sport

Reoffending rates rocket as inmates seek to avoid Huhne

I'm here to help

I’m here to help

Suggestions by disgraced former cabinet minister Chris Huhne that he will embark on a new career helping rehabilitate prisoners are in doubt after inmates at Leyhill Prison said they would rather stay in jail for life than listen to Huhne for 5 more minutes.

Gavin Smith, an amateur shoplifter from Harold who was due to be released in 3 weeks, said he was panicking at the thought of having Huhne lecture him about the way he should live his life, and why the Lib-Dem energy policy would avoid melting the ice caps while keeping British industry moving.

“It was possibly an over-reaction to kill two inmates and three guards to avoid being released, but I was desperate” said Smith. “I’m just hoping my lawyer doesn’t think of any technical defence.”

Other inmates are committing petty offences en masse in the hope they can buy more time in prison until Huhne loses interest in helping prisoners.
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Filed under Crime, International News, Politics

Village braced for tourist influx as Dan Brown’s Inferno hits shelves

Dante: Exile in Rome or Harold?

Dante: Exile in Rome or Harold?

Harold is braced for an influx of tourists following the publication of Dan Brown’s latest blockbuster Inferno. Featuring all the hallmarks of Brown’s previous novels: mystery; clumsy allusions to great works of art and prose that would make a dog weep with embarrassment, Inferno contains amongst its convoluted plot a puzzle that is set to place Harold firmly on the tourist trail.

Inferno is about Dante,” explained Brown fan, Cassie Fine. “His real name was Durante degli Alighieri which is an anagram of ‘There, under Gillia, dig’ so the connection with Harold’s obvious seeing as we’ve got an ancient grave whose headstone simply says ‘Gillia’. It’s so exciting! I can’t wait to know what’s in the grave.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, International News, News

Ray Harryhausen funeral to take months

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by | May 8, 2013 · 7:31 am

Pope and ex-Pope ‘will perform breakfast sketch from Morecambe and Wise’

grape3

What do you think of it so far?

Following ex-Pope Benedict’s decision to move into the Vatican along with Pope Francis, there were fears among Papal advisors that the unprecedented situation might lead to some ecumenical friction between the two holy men.

In a surprise to everyone, however, the Pope and ex-Pope have revealed that far from being discomfited by the living arrangements, they have actually embraced the celibate buddies idea so much that they have started performing old comedy double-acts, and intend to build up to a big break with tradition by swapping this year’s Christmas blessing for a revival of Morecambe and Wise’s famous “Breakfast” routine to the tune of “The Stripper”.

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Filed under Dating, International News, Showbusiness, Vikings

Retired German brothers restore V2 rocket

V2 Rocket

Organizers advise spectators to wear ear muffs

Two brothers from Harold’s German twin town of Koch have successfully restored a V2 rocket.

Despite us all being friends now, the brothers share a love of WW2 technology and are keen to demonstrate their superior engineering.

The projectile, which features an ethanol powerplant, a primitive guidance system and 200 kilos of high explosive, could be the first one of its type to fly for nearly 70 years.

“We have worked on this project for several years now”, said Klaus Hummel. “There are none of these magnificent machines currently in service, we think it will go down rather well at one of your popular airshows.”
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Filed under Culture, International News, News

Everest climbers turn to ultimate challenge of David Cameron’s forehead

Cameron foreheadWith the Everest route now easier thanks to the many fixed routes and improved oxygen technology, not to mention the detention of rock wielding Sherpas, top climbers have turned their attention to an ascent previously thought impossible – climbing David Cameron’s forehead.

Even getting to David Cameron’s forehead is a mission in itself. Climbers first have to get permission to summit Cameron which means a £15,000 access fee unless one is a high-ranking Tory or Rebekah Brooks. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, International News, Penguins

Ryanair to conduct all flights online in cost-saving measure

ryanairRyanair chief Michael O’Leary has unveiled plans for all flights to be conducted online, with a massive surcharge to be imposed on people who fail to fly online and actually turn up at the airport. The move will allow Ryanair to ditch its fleet of planes and become the world’s first no-cost airline.

“Educating people to check-in online was easy once people realised the alternative was to pay £40 for a boarding pass” said Mr O’Leary.

“So a £1,000 surcharge for people who fail to fly online should ensure few passengers turn up at the airport. Those that do will be will be placed on a British Airways flight and wear a large green clover on their chest to identify them as Ryanair passengers, so they can be charged to go to the toilet.”
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Filed under International News