Category Archives: Crime

by | April 30, 2013 · 7:30 am

Vandals target village ‘anal museum’ sign

Vandal 'obsessed' with brown finger-post

Vandals are sniffing out brown finger-posts

Harold’s popular anal museum is facing an onslaught from vandals, hell-bent on defacing the signpost with an additional ‘C’.

Villagers are proud of their museum of anuses, and its collection of rare sphincters and historical ring pieces. Located down a back alley between Harold’s twin bunshops, the damage to the sign has left some curious would-be visitors  complaining that they’re struggling to gain access.

“For some reason, these puerile little sods think it’s funny to vandalise our sign, so it looks like we’re some kind of ‘canal museum’”, whined head curator Janet Brown.
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by | April 27, 2013 · 1:30 pm

Burglar rejects judge’s plan to send him to prison.

burglar copyA Harold man who was sentenced to 6 years in prison after being found guilty of 18 counts of burglary has rejected the judge’s plan and suggested an alternative proposal “in the spirit of the judge’s recommendation” that doesn’t involve him going to prison.

Paul David broke into houses in Harold and Felching over a period of three months and stole thousands of pounds worth of valuables, but he insists that prison is not the answer as it could set a dangerous precedent in restricting his freedom.

“What I am proposing instead is an independent regulatory body, made up mostly of members of my family, with the power to review any incidents they feel are inappropriate and make recommendations as to my future conduct.” said Mr David,
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by | · 9:00 am

Police action delayed by failure to agree on catchy name for the operation

brainstormRed faced police chiefs have admitted that a major crime investigation was held up for months due to their failure to agree a suitable code name for the operation.

Speaking at a press conference following publication of an Independent Police Complaints Commission report condemning the ineptitude of the Eastern Counties Police Force, Chief Constable Paul Kingsley admitted that there had been more focus on image than on tracking down the illegal migrant worker crime ring that the task team was intended to pursue.

Defending his actions, Kingsley was anxious to stress that the police were not institutionally publicist and explained that it was important to find a code name for an operation. Continue reading →

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by | April 26, 2013 · 1:02 pm

Britain needs less protection from people like me, says Liam Fox

mr_fox

More public money, with eggs on top!

Disgraced omni-dubious former Secretary of State for Defence Liam Fox has called for a return to days of Thatcherite values when more casual regulation meant people like him could stick their sweaty noses into the trough unopposed.

Fox, seen as a standard-bearer of the Tory right, will call for the party to fight the next general election on a radical platform of tax cuts, privatisation and deregulation from people like himself, who spunk public money on their old mates who live with them in rent-free orgiastic luxury.

“What this country needs to get back on its feet is a total absence of regulations preventing Ministers from giving Britain’s money to old male chums, when said chums have no government role whatsoever,” Fox explained. “Old being a relative term of course, for close buddies who are 17 years younger than oneself, and enjoy sharing a pig’s trotter stuffed with lark’s vomit. The very real risk that such behaviour could have almost landed one with a custodial sentence is acting as a brake on investment, and could significantly impact my retirement plans.”

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by | April 22, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Murderous magician will find out what his Wandsworth

pistolwandOne of Harold’s most beguiling mysteries has finally been solved, and sadly proven to be a most despicable and gruesome crime.

Every local knew and loved the spectacular magic show put on annually by local magician “The Great Haroldo”. Although a touring performer he would end his season every year in Harold, and has done so for over 20 years. The pinnacle of the show was always a grand illusion which would culminate in a member of the audience disappearing.

In the early years the volunteer would always re-appear, looking slightly shaken, and return to their seat. However every year since 1997 the volunteer has failed to re-materialise, and none has ever been seen again.

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by | April 14, 2013 · 3:30 pm

Brawling Millwall fans say they were honouring Thatcher with a minute’s violence

millwall-fans-fighting-600x426Millwall fans who were observed brawling at Wembley Stadium say criticism of them is unfair as they were merely observing a minute’s violence in honour of Margaret Thatcher.

“We knew from an article in the Evening Harold that the players had planned their own tribute with lunging two-footed tackles and elbows in the face” said life-long Millwall fan Dave Edwards.

“So us fans decided that despite our divided political beliefs, we needed to show Thatcher some respect in the only way we knew how – by 60 seconds of prolonged kicking and punching. Some of us were so respectful we kept brawling for over 10 minutes.”

Edwards said allegations of “mindless violence” were well wide of the mark. “I thought long and hard about were exactly to punch the Wigan fans – I reckon a blow to those Northern hearts is what Maggie would have wanted.
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by | April 12, 2013 · 4:41 pm

Radio 1 defend the right to play Justin Bieber

Warning; This boy may harm you and others around you.

Warning; This boy may harm you and others around you.

BBC Radio 1 have today had to deny claims they are being cruel and insensitive, and refused to back down from a decision to play the music of Justin Bieber. The move comes as people who remember the 1980’s and early 1990’s mourn the death of decent music.

The BBC in defending their position have told us they ‘have a duty to play the music people are buying, even if those people are under the age of 16 and have no idea what they are talking about.’

However, not everyone has been critical of the BBC. Sally Moody from the ‘OMG Justin Bieber, We Love You’ fan club told us “the BBC should play Justin all day ‘cos he is lush. Continue reading →

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by | April 9, 2013 · 1:14 pm

17 year old Police snitch apologises for crude graffiti

CaptureAt an emotional press conference, Simon Delaney only recently appointed as Harold’s youth police commissioner, has apologised for the series of violent, racist and homophobic drawings that he had left on the village hall’s walls in full view of the high street.

Sporting an atrocious haircut, a contrite but slightly smirking Delaney said, “I hadn’t realised people could be offended so easily. This is useful information which I will bear in mind in the future.”

Under questioning, a tearful PC Anita Flegg defended Delaney saying “This is a cock and bull story that has got out of hand. Simon was the outstanding candidate, especially since being in a wheelchair; he meets all of our quota requirements.”

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by | · 10:00 am

Village Women’s Institute caught up in global food scandal

Now we know why parmesan is the stinky cheese

Now we know why parmesan is the stinky cheese

Some of the village’s most respected female community members are keeping a low profile today after harrowing accusations surrounding food stuffs produced by the local Women’s Institute.

At the centre of the allegations is the WI’s “Organically matured grated hard cheese for pasta”, which most consumers had assumed to be a variation of the Italian favourite parmesan. However, sources claim that members have simply been using Scholl foot files to produce the shavings from the soles of their feet at little to no cost, placing it into rustic looking boxes, and selling it on for £4.99 a pop. The FSA have launched an investigation, however the WI are claiming the labelling is factually correct, and therefore no rules have been breached.

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by | April 8, 2013 · 11:30 am

Town twinning committee seeks new members as tragic incident depletes numbers

Road baghdadHarold’s town twinning committee is looking to recruit 3 new members after their latest overseas visit ended in tragedy.

The group of Harold town councillors and local dignitaries had been returning to Damascus from a highly successful community relation enhancement exercise in Aleppo when their bus was hit by a rocket propelled grenade, believed to have been fired by forces loyal to President Bashar-al-Assad. This latest incident brings the town twinning committee’s death toll to twelve. Continue reading →

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by | · 8:00 am

Harold Police arrest Yew trees

JimmyPolice made its first contribution to Operation Yewtree by arresting a stand of Yew trees overlooking the children’s playground at Harold Common. Some of the arrested trees are believed to have been leering at young children for more than 500 years.

PC Anita Flegg confirmed the arrest of the Yew trees, and said it was shocking that they had got away with their perverted behaviour for so long.

“I think we all got complacent – all we saw was a stand of attractive conifers that not only provided shade for the playground, but were doing their bit for the environment by converting life-threatening carbon monoxide into the air that we breathe. But all that good work counts for nothing when you consider how the trees stared at the children while their trunks grew harder and ever more erect.”
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by | April 4, 2013 · 10:46 am

Police to record crimes against village Goth

goth

It’s quite sad, really

Village Goth Josh Fenning has welcomed plans by the police to start recording the many, many crimes committed against him.

Fenning claims to be the victim of a sustained campaign by ‘shadowy elements’ in Harold, including ‘the mood in the pub’, his broadband provider and ‘whoever keeps leaving him milk’.

“Barely a day goes by when Fenning doesn’t come and report some perceived crime against him”, said PC Anita Flegg. “I suppose officially, I ought to start writing them down.”

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by | April 3, 2013 · 7:21 am

Residents fearful as DCI Barnaby buys retirement cottage in village

Nettles

Jersey has already said ‘no’

The normally peaceful village of Harold was thrown into turmoil last week when Gill Gates, manager of local estate agents Lacrymans & Co, revealed that Rose Cottage, a character period property in a sought-after position with excellent access to all amenities, was being purchased by a DCI Tom Barnaby, formerly of Causton, Midsomer.

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by | March 30, 2013 · 7:30 am

Tensions rise over weapons between North and South village gangs

20130330-063325.jpg
The long running battle between gangs in North and South Harold saw a worrying development yesterday as the North declared a state of ‘we’re gonna knock you out, innit’ against their Southern counterparts.

The situation in Harold has been bubbling under the surface for a long time, but has escalated amid fears that the ‘People’s Democratic Rudeboys of Harold’ (PDRH) have tested long-range catapults.

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by | March 29, 2013 · 3:58 pm

Animal rights campaigners call for ban on Easter egg hunt

The egg is going to get it

The egg is going to get it

The annual Harold Easter egg hunt is under threat today after an animal rights group claimed that the practice of hunting eggs with dogs is cruel, and threatened to sabotage the event.

A proud tradition believed to date back as far as 300BC, many locals look forward to the thrill of hunting with hounds each Easter Sunday, chasing chocolate eggs through the woodland South of the town. But if the campaigners have their way that could all be set to change.
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by | March 26, 2013 · 9:31 pm

Fake ATM dispensed thousands of pounds in bungled scam

atm

Death to false metal!

A local criminal gang was left red-faced yesterday after police seized a fake ATM which had already paid out thousands of pounds to unwitting customers.

So sophisticated was the bogus cash machine that high street shoppers were completely unaware that the bank notes they received were not coming from their accounts, but actually from a dummy vault subtly concealed in two feet of reinforced concrete behind the machine.

“You’d never know it was anything other than genuine,” explained PC Flegg. “If we hadn’t swooped so swiftly, I dread to think how much cash could have been given out.”

Caramba!

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