“It’s rubbish” say villagers
The improved recycling facility site in Harold, renovated at great expense to the taxpayer, has been condemned as “farcical”, “confusing” and “the product of a diseased mind”.
Renamed in honour of local refuse collecting hero Stanley Biggs, who once singlehandedly fly-tipped the whole village’s rubbish when the 1977 bin-man strike coincided with a heatwave, Biggs Plaza Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, environment, News
At least it distracts us all from the fact we’ve broken the planet
Harold is divided this evening as a small group of villagers have declared that they’re not massively absorbed by the ongoing row in France over women wearing burkinis.
“Of course it’s horrible that some women have been hassled and humiliated by the police,” said local mechanic Sean Pavey. “But I just don’t feel the need to tweet and post about it constantly. Doesn’t mean I’m not bothered just means I’m not that bothered. And I think that that should be okay.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold
Your child may be a Doctor in 25 years. Start talking to her in English
A small child has successfully developed language skills even though adults insist on talking to her in some form of Teletubbish.
In only a few weeks, nine-month old Ellie Reynolds from Harold has upped her game, from blowing bubbles simultaneously via nostrils and mouth, to forming coherent sentences with nouns, verbs, and those ‘ad…’ things you didn’t pay attention to at school. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Children, News
biscuit crumbs on the floor every morning were a clue
A ten-year old Harold boy, described by Police as being ‘unusually focused and competitive’, had been living in his toy cupboard for three years, after going missing on a particularly wet Bank Holiday weekend.
Giles Baker was found shortly after his parents moved home. The new occupants, disturbed by the disappearance of Müller Corners and Dairylea cheese slices from the fridge, considered calling in a priest but eventually left a trail of Snack Size Mars bars and trapped “an earnest looking boy” in the conservatory. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Children, News
Junkies lured in by innocuous photos of ‘works’ can be addicted in minutes
Inspired by East London’s Cereal Killer Café, Harold’s resident Hipster Simon Delaney has set up the worlds first Haribo Bar.
Sporting a top knot, twirly tache and dressed like a tramp, Simon’s pop up shop can be found in Harold’s ‘East End’ of the high street, between the Methodist Church and the Library.
Stocking all your favourite flavours, Simon’s also sourced some of the funny foreign ones from Poundland. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle
“How is anyone supposed to live in temperatures like these?”
A local man who thinks the winds, waves, and ultimately the varying temperature of the sun are personally out to spite him, has “had enough of it.”
Daytime temperatures in Harold have soared to 26℃ and Adam Cassidy believes it’s time to take a stand.
“I like it hot as much as anybody else, but this is too hot.” complained Cassidy, a part-time conspiracy theorist, who confirmed that a steady 22.4℃ with a light south westerly breeze would be perfect. “But not too much of a breeze, otherwise it makes the blinds rattle when I open the windows.”.
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Filed under Around Harold, News, Weather
Waiting for the Gangmaster for their first compulsory work detail
The silver-surfer generation woke up this morning, overjoyed by being alive, by winning the referendum, and by the prospect of the hard work of rebuilding the country.
“Not me though, love.” chuckled pensioner Elsie Duggan of Harold’s Over-The-Hill Nursing Home. “The youngsters will do it, won’t they? Those nice Polish plumbers down the road for starters, their daughters are both carers here, you know.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy, News, referendum
Mystery solved
“We had always assumed that the employees were rubbing themselves off like a troop of monkeys back there,” commented Dr Pauline Copland, lead food scientist at Dunstable Met where the study was performed.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold, Business, DNA, Food, Health, News, science, spam
An instruction to ‘write a few lines or a novel, but not War and Peace’ has backfired on a local council after an employee spent her entire working year completing her performance appraisal for the year ending 31 December 2018.
Previously criticised for not providing enough evidence in her 2017 appraisal, Harold Council Health and Safety Officer Joan Willis said she wasn’t going to make that mistake again so she ‘literally ticked all the boxes, and then some’ to produce a PA that left no doubt whatsoever that she met all the criteria for a 1% pay rise.
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Filed under Around Harold, Employment
Inspiration memes: inspiring
A local woman has spoken of her shock as the inspiration meme she posted on Facebook has been shared hundreds of millions of times and brought an end to all conflict and suffering.
“The news was seriously depressing me,” Julie Kettle told us. “I wanted to stand up and be counted and really make a difference. What better way is there to do that then stay in your PJs posting memes on social media?” Continue reading
Filed under Around Harold
At every visit, something inside you dies
A man from the quiet English village of Harold has stumped ‘Quest TV’ viewers and lifestyle experts alike by not buying plants or pozidriv screws this weekend.
Family man Gary Thorne, 43, a driver with Harold Bus Company, lives an otherwise unremarkable life as a devoted husband and a keen voyeur, swinger, and dogger. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, News
Local entrepreneur and hipster converts Oofy and Lysander Eastof have launched a new business venture, aimed at villagers in Harold who feel the need to break away from the “oppressive rules” of the English language.
“Holm of Homophones” is a one stop boutique for homophones, which can be liberally sprinkled through conversation without anyone but the user knowing.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold
Coming up for auction – old, left-handed guitar. Proceeds to hospice funds.
As if the deaths of Bowie, Prince and Frank Sinatra Jnr weren’t enough, now Sultans of Swing rhythm guitarist George has checked out. He was 100 years old and had a reputation for his comprehensive knowledge of guitar chords, or tabs as they are known today.
Shortly before he died, he asked that he be given a quiet funeral. “I do not want to make anybody cry or sing,” he said; “it’s strictly rhythm, so if you must clap, please do so in 6/8 time with occasional syncopated emphasis on the offbeat.”
The care home staff were consoled that that he died doing what he loved, with his heart-rate monitor displaying a steady beat right up to the moment of death. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Entertainment, Showbusiness
Sod the red sky at night bollocks, what about his gorgeous hair?
Harold’s new weatherman, Nicholas Legolas, has been fired after viewers complained about his “overly dramatic” style.
The handsome blonde, thought to have been employed for his good looks and piercing eyes, often adopted a portentous tone when delivering reports on Harold’s latest meteorological activities.
“He is a lovely looking lad” said Doris Kettle, “with hair like a Pantene advert, mine were never that shiny, not even when I were young. But I don’t need to know about the fumes of Mordor of a morning, I just want to know if I can put me delicates on the line to dry.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Entertainment, News, Weather
Now nick & collect, rule judges
A court order banning the theft of goods from Tesco Express in Harold has been lifted. Court of Appeal judges accepted local thief Mark Kettle’s bid to lift the ban, and said the overt pilfering of items from the shop could start, pending a possible appeal from the manager.
The judges said the practice of nicking jars of coffee and packets of Haribo from Tesco Express had now been widely established and it was no longer in the public interest to maintain the ban.
They gave the shop time to apply to take the case to Dunstable Supreme Court. In the ruling, they said there must be no theft leading to getting caught before 13:00 BST on Wednesday. The shop has until 10:00 BST today to submit arguments to the Supreme Court.
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April 19, 2016 · 9:17 am
Before you dump, think it through.
Food banks up and down the country now have enough jars of Dolmio pasta sauce to sink an Italian battleship, thanks to the caring generosity of well-meaning do-gooders.
“As soon as I found out just how much sugar and salt they add to the pink sludge, I emptied my cupboards and started pouring the stuff down the sink,” said housewife Daphne Newton.
“Then my teenage daughter pointed out that the amount of precious clean water and costly sink cleaner I was using far outweighed the benefits of recycling the empty jars and demanded I deliver the remaining two dozen jars to the food bank instead.”
“Well, I couldn’t believe my ears when the woman at the food bank said they already had enough of that particular item, thank you.”
All the yellow has been used up by irresponsible lookers
Following in the footsteps of Stoke Gifford Council, which charges runners using parks they’ve already paid for, Harold council has taken the unprecedented step of introducing a charge for looking at their park’s flowers.
“It’s a scientific fact that looking at daffodils uses up some of their yellow.” explained Councillor Ron Ronsson “By the weekend it’s often been used up Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Health, News, Sport
Just an ordinary taxpayer.
Millions of people were celebrating last night after hearing the news that Jeremy Corbyn was fined £100 for a late Tax Return.
“Unlike Cameron, Corbyn only had one box to fill in,” said a tax expert, “but he despises all aspects of capitalism and fascist tax collectors in particular and basically couldn’t give a monkey’s nuts about their deadlines. The man is Legend.”
“He had from early April until the end of the following January to submit his Tax Return,” explained local accountant Geoffrey King. “It’s a remarkable level of procrastination, normally only achievable by ordinary, hard-working people. No wonder his popularity is on the increase.”
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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Facebook, Labour, News, Politics, Social media
Bank, then a launderette, now a poundshop.
From the outside, it looked like any other High Street Bank. But behind the heavy wooden doors, a laundering operation was providing services for working people with no washing machines of their own.
Documents obtained by the Evening Harold from the local Planning Committee reveal conclusively that a ‘change of use’ application was approved in 1959, subject to the building retaining its original facade.
“I’m not surprised at all,” said Doris Kettle who remembers well the massive ‘just one more sixpence’ launderette drying machine swindle of the 1960s.
“Incredibly, he even boasted about it,” says George Osborne
Media attention was diverted away from the Mossack Fonseca revelations today, following a leak of information from the UK Treasury Office which appears to implicate a former Labour Chancellor in what George Osborne described as the ‘biggest financial scam ever’.
“Gordon Brown siphoned off millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money into a secret tax haven known only by its codename,” said a communiqué issued by the Treasury. “They called it The Public Purse.”
Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Crime, Economy, Labour, Media, Politics, Tony Blair
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