Author Archives: yikes28

by | May 31, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Study confirms all men are bastards

BadgeA 20 year-long study by Dunstable Psychology Professor Sue Rodgers has concluded that all men are in fact bastards. The study has attracted criticism due to the unusually small sample size (one) but Professor Rodgers argues that the findings are still ‘robust’.

“Just studying one man meant I could really dig deep and find what men are truly about, which is that they are bastards” explained Rodgers. “Tell me any other study that has gone to the extent of studying all the texts on a man’s phone and spread sheeting the 8,432 messages to and from that MANKY WHORE.”
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by | May 29, 2014 · 12:59 pm

‘Honour killings’ – perhaps try grounding daughters rather than stoning them to death

Honour killingAfter the recent ‘honour killing’ of a woman outside a Lahore Courtroom, fathers of disobedient daughters are being urged to consider grounding them or confiscating their phones for a week as an alternative to stoning them to death.
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by | May 17, 2014 · 12:00 pm

Sarah Palin applauds Sudanese decision to let woman give birth before execution

Anti-abortion, pro-capital punishment and not a food stamp in sight

Anti-abortion, pro-capital punishment ticks all boxes for Sarah

Tea Party poster girl Sarah Palin says the Sudanese Court decision to let a condemned woman give birth before being executed showed the sort of Republican values sadly absent in the United States.

“To see a foreign government so anti-abortion and pro-capital punishment is very pleasing” says Palin. “Apparently Sudan has no food stamps or Obamacare and they love guns too – it sounds like paradise. I might go there for a holiday – I’ve never been to Asia before.”
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by | May 11, 2014 · 12:12 pm

Poland sells out of butter

Butter / margarine debate finally settled

Butter / margarine debate finally settled

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by | April 29, 2014 · 2:30 pm

North Korean restaurant fails to make World ‘top 50’ list despite 99.9% customer satisfaction

Zhou prepares his signature dish 'Rice'

Zhou prepares his signature dish ‘Rice’

A restaurant specialising in North Korean cuisine reacted furiously to being left out of the World ‘top 50’ list despite consistently recording customer satisfaction ratings in excess of 99.9%.

Dave Zhou, supreme proprietor of ‘the 38th Parallel’ in the sleepy village of Harold, told reporters that the World ‘top 50’ snub showed that the Judges were mere prawns in the Western Capitalist Pig Dog Global Conspiracy before clarifying to a hungry member of the press that yes, he did in fact take American Express.

Zhou, who is well known for his signature, and in fact only, dish ‘Rice’, said the Judges had failed to appreciate his ground breaking fusion technique: “I just pound the rice and cook it for a few minutes longer than usual and it all sticks together.”
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by | April 26, 2014 · 10:00 am

Saying ‘some of my best friends are black / gay’ becomes easier with launch of ‘Token Friends’ website

"I'm not racist - some of my best friends are darkies"

“I’m no racist – some of my best friends are darkies” explained Gavin

A controversial new ‘Token Friends’ website has been launched to enable people to obtain a black or gay ‘friend’ and therefore be immune to any criticism that their racist or homophobic views are indeed racist or homophobic.

Token Friends founder Jenny May of Harold explained the website’s appeal:

“The sort of people who traditionally relied on the ‘some of my best friends are black / gay’ line to explain away their seemingly racist or homophobic rants now no longer have any black or gay friends left for some reason. Our website allows them to obtain that invaluable friend so they can continue explaining their ‘point of view’ down at the pub and in the online comments section of the Daily Mail.”
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by | April 25, 2014 · 10:29 am

Everyone invites David Cameron to unveil giant crucifix

Fall crucifix, fall!

Fall crucifix, fall!

A broad coalition including socialists, UKIP supporters, the Scottish, and Boris Johnson have called for a giant crucifix to be built in honour of British PM David Cameron, and for Cameron himself to unveil the crucifix.

A number of welfare recipients say they now realise Cameron really was doing God’s work with his brave programme of benefit cuts teaching them to be self-reliant and entrepreneurial.
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by | April 6, 2014 · 11:30 am

Search ship picks up faint ping of remorse from Maria Miller

Maria MillerThe international hunt for any trace of remorse from Culture Secretary Maria Miller over her false claiming of expenses received a boost with a search ship in the Indian Ocean recording a faint ‘ping’. However searchers caution that the ‘ping’ could just as easily be ‘regret for being caught’ as opposed to ‘remorse’.

The search has been increasingly frantic as experts say any vestige of remorse from Miller is likely to completely disappear in a matter of days. The search area is vast covering millions of square kilometres from the Indian Ocean to Basingstoke, with officials describing it as ‘like looking for a needle in 100 haystacks when you are not even sure if the needle exists’.
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by | March 26, 2014 · 11:00 am

Models challenged to post Photoshop-free selfies for cancer

The right arm and upper thigh were bad, but the missing head was the real Photoshop fail

The right arm and upper thighs were bad, but the missing head was the real Photoshop fail

An online campaign challenging models to post Photoshop-free selfies to raise money for cancer has got off to a slow start.

“Photoshop-free selfies? Next thing you’ll be suggesting we eat!” laughed a model who is size 8 in real life and size 2 in photoshop. “Oh, you mean you’re serious??? I think I’m going to throw up.”

While denial was the initial reaction of most models, the inescapable influence and pressure of social media (apparently opting out of Facebook and Twitter is not an option) meant they were reluctantly forced to take up the Photoshop-free challenge.
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by | March 22, 2014 · 1:00 pm

Missing jet found by dog walker

cocker spanielAn elderly dog walker from Harold has found the missing Malaysian jet MH370 with the help of his cocker spaniel Nigel.

68 year old retired teacher Tom Fromley and Nigel were on their morning walk when they made the discovery. “I was just out walking my dog in the middle of the sea when he went running off barking at something. Nigel’s normally well behaved so I wondered what was up with him. Then I looked behind a wave and there was a bloody massive plane there. Imagine my surprise.”
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by | March 19, 2014 · 7:00 am

Missing jet: Malaysia tells China to check Tiananmen Square

tiananmensquareAfter days of enduring Chinese criticism that it is hiding crucial details about missing jet MH370, Malaysia has hit back by suggesting that China look for the jet in Tiananmen Square.

Malaysian officials say Tiananmen Square is the Asian equivalent of the Bermuda Triangle, and seems to mysteriously suck peace-loving people into it without leaving any trace of them behind.
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by | March 7, 2014 · 8:04 am

Person behind Britcoin revealed as ‘the Queen’

Pound coinThe person behind the one pound coin, the so-called ‘Britcoin’, is alleged to be a reclusive 87 year old Windsor woman known as ‘the Queen’.

Britcoins are a widely used used offline currency that varies widely in value. While they can be used for legitimate purposes, they are commonly used to anonymously pay for drugs, prostitutes, and Starbucks coffees.

The identity of the woman pictured on the Britcoin has long been a mystery, but reporters from the Daily Mail are convinced that the mysterious ‘Elizabeth 11’ is actually a wealthy landowner who now calls herself ‘the Queen’. The reporters say the Queen has stockpiled over a billion Britcoins, but still relies on others to pay her bills.
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by | March 3, 2014 · 8:21 am

Oscar red carpet staining shock – onlookers describe ‘river of pee’

Staining story widely leaked on internet

Staining story widely leaked on internet

The rise of “sew-on” dresses is believed to be behind today’s Oscar debacle which saw numerous movie stars relieve themselves on the red carpet. Fans who queued for hours to catch a glimpse of their favourite stars were left gagging as the glitz and glamour of Hollywood disappeared in a river of pee.

The pressure to appear even thinner is behind the “sew-on” dress craze among leading actresses, and while the figure hugging dresses are perfect for the short photo-shoot, they proved to be less than functional in an Oscar night stretching over many hours.

Leading blogger Perez Hilton said everything appeared normal when the stars arrived and chatted with the fans as they walked down the famous carpet, but then the floodgates opened.
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by | February 26, 2014 · 11:34 am

Uganda now anti-gay enough to hold Winter Olympics, say IOC

uganda_anti-gayAfter a busy few days where Uganda’s President signed new laws making homosexuality punishable by life in prison, and Ugandan tabloid Red Pepper published a list of 200 alleged gays, the IOC announced that Uganda is now the front-runner to host the 2022 Winter Olympics.

IOC President Thomas Bach said that the Sochi Winter Olympics was a very passable festival of homophobia without quite living up to Vladimir Putin’s hype. The 2018 games in Pyeongchang would likely also be successful given South Korea’s track record of discrimination against gays. But the 2022 Ugandan Winter Olympics promises to be an unprecedented orgy of homosexual intolerance.
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by | February 25, 2014 · 11:21 am

Harriet Harman says allegation she bought the Daily Mail a ‘vicious smear’

Harman much preferred wiping bottom with the Sun

Harman much preferred wiping bottom with the Sun

Labour Deputy Leader Harriet Harman has branded allegations she bought a copy of the Daily Mail in 1978 a ‘vicious smear’.

The Daily Mail purchase allegations have been swirling around Harman for weeks, and until yesterday her only comment was that the story was ‘ridiculous and untrue’. But revelations that a copy of the Daily Mail was in her flat in 1978 forced Harman to be more forthcoming.

“Yes it is true that there was a copy of the Daily Mail in my flat in 1978 but it was already there before I moved in” said Harman on Newsnight. “And none of my flatmates would have actually bought the Daily Mail – I think they shoplifted it and bought it back for bog paper or something”.
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by | February 21, 2014 · 11:00 am

Salmond says Scots can keep hating the English after ‘yes’ vote

Cameron-SalmondSNP leader and pro-independence campaigner Alex Salmond reacted furiously to suggestions from Tory, Labour, and Lib-Dem leaders that Scots will no longer be able to hate the English if the Scots vote ‘yes’ to independence. This is a crucial issue as the ‘currency of hate’ of the English is considered the glue that binds Scottish people together.

“It’s blatant scaremongering – they are bluffing” thundered Salmond. “Even though we will no longer be able to hate the English because we are ruled by the Tory b*stards, we can hate them for plenty of other reasons. We can hate them for their crooked bankers, aggressive warmongering, and David Bowie. We can hate them for warm beer, bowler hats, and Alistair Carmichael. And we can still hate David Cameron for his slimy false promises and huge shiny forehead.”
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by | February 19, 2014 · 10:46 am

“Cutting benefits part of a moral mission”, fibs Cameron

pinocchio-daveThere were a few errors fibs in David Cameron’s welfare speech published today so the Evening Harold offers readers a corrected version.

David Cameron says he is giving unemployed Britons “new hope and responsibility” *snigger* by cutting benefit payments bank excesses and claims his welfare banking reforms are part of a “moral mission” for the country.

The Prime Minister’s comments were in response to Britain’s most senior Roman Catholic, the Most Rev Vincent Vince Nichols, who said recent changes had left many in “hunger and destitution” *well ship some gold panels over from the Vatican then Vince*.
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by | February 17, 2014 · 10:30 am

Prince William and Dame Helen Mirren to do UK tour with ‘I should call you granny’ joke

BAFTAs - MirrenPrince William’s quip about calling Dame Helen Mirren ‘granny’ when presenting her with a BAFTA Fellowship was so well received that William and Dame Helen will repeat the joke in a 30 venue UK tour.

A chuffed Prince William confided that he was very nervous before his intentional comedy debut but all the practise paid off when he got the jokes words in the right order and he remembered to smile at the end.

“I got the idea from watching Helen star as the Queen in “The Queen”. I thought, hey, my gran is actually the Queen and Helen plays the part of the Queen so she in effect is playing the part of my gran. So yeah, from there I thought I’d just flip them round and pretend that Helen was my gran when she is really just my aunt or something” said William.
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by | February 16, 2014 · 10:00 am

Man blames ‘faulty’ service station flowers for Valentine’s Day sex failure

flowersA 57 year old Harold man has gone to social media to highlight how his Valentine’s Day was ruined because of faulty flowers and chocolates purchased from the local Shell Station.

Local councillor Ron Ronsson says the flowers and chocolates seemed ok when he purchased them on the way home from the pub at 11pm on Valentine’s Day. But they deteriorated so badly on the 15 minute walk home that by the time he handed them to his wife, she threw them straight back in his face.
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by | February 10, 2014 · 2:00 pm

Texas outsource executions to Danish Zoo

Texas inmates kill some time en route to Denmark

Texas inmates kill some time en route to Denmark

The speed and efficiency with which Copenhagen Zoo euthanized a young giraffe while completely ignoring public protests to halt the execution has led to the Zoo winning the prestigious contract to execute Texas’s death row inmates.

Texas Governor Rick Perry announced the outsourcing move in a packed news conference at state capital Austin. “The Danes just got on with the job, no bleeding heart liberal pinko appeals was going to halt their show. If they managed to ignore a Facebook campaign with hundreds of thousands of likes, they ain’t likely gunna worry what a handful of Supreme Court Justices say” said Governor Perry.

“And ya gotta love their execution method – bolt to the head, chopped into little pieces, and then fed to the lions, yea baby! I’d love to see how those ambulance chasing lawyers will argue the miscreants are suffering too long now!”
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