Author Archives: Max C-F

by | June 19, 2016 · 2:40 am

People who say they hate the Daily Mail still reading it constantly

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Every time you click on the Daily Mail Paul Dacre rips the wings off an angel

Despite being the embodiment of no sane person’s values and an enemy of tolerance and reason the Daily Mail remains massively popular with everyone who claims to hate it.

“It’s a disgusting rag,” said local estate agent Gill Gates. “It hates women and relentlessly promotes division. I believe it represents the very worst aspects of our society. How often do I read it? Oh all the time. It’s on my bookmarks bar and I like to keep up with it so I can have lots of stuff to be outraged at throughout the day.” Continue reading →

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by | June 18, 2016 · 8:00 am

‘Olympics is pants and we didn’t want to play anyway’ says Russia

211px-2016_Summer_Olympics_logo.svgHoofed out of the Olympics for fielding athletes with more drugs in them than the Wolf of Wall Street, Russia has said that it doesn’t care and that playing alone is “way so much cooler and more fun.”

Listlessly bouncing a tennis ball against a wall and trying to catch it one-handed Russia said that the Olympics were “rubbish” and that it didn’t want to compete against other countries because they’re all “gaylords and have fleas.” Continue reading →

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by | June 17, 2016 · 3:17 am

“It’s too horrible down there” Tim Peake decides not to return to Earth

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You stay floating round your tin can, Major Tom, er, Tim

British astronaut Tim Peake is declining to return to Earth from ISS tomorrow as scheduled saying that he’s been watching the news and is going to “stay up here where everything’s lovely and peaceful, thanks.”

“From where I am the world is beautiful,” he said. “But up close it’s getting extremely ugly.
Continue reading →

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by | June 14, 2016 · 7:00 am

Woman amazed when her meme brings about world peace

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Inspiration memes: inspiring

A local woman has spoken of her shock as the inspiration meme she posted on Facebook has been shared hundreds of millions of times and brought an end to all conflict and suffering.

“The news was seriously depressing me,” Julie Kettle told us. “I wanted to stand up and be counted and really make a difference. What better way is there to do that then stay in your PJs posting memes on social media?” Continue reading →

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by | June 12, 2016 · 2:41 am

Jeremy Corbyn shocked to learn there’s a referendum going on

Jeremy-Corbyn

“What’s all that noise over there about?”

Comforting mole-person in khaki slacks, Jeremy Corbyn, has spoken of his utter shock on learning that the UK is in the grip of a referendum debate.

“I was aware that people are talking about something a lot,” he said. “I thought that maybe Bake Off was back on or something.” Continue reading →

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by | June 8, 2016 · 11:43 am

Grown man delighted to spoil new Harry Potter play

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Spolier alert: Hagrid is Keyser Söze and Ron can see dead people

Tremendous arsehole, Tim Trotman, has said that he is delighted to have been among the first people to see the new Harry Potter play and then to post the whole plot and mobile phone footage of it all over social media.

“Harry Potter’s magic,” he said. “The rush of knowing you’re seeing something new that would delight any child and then ruining it for as many as possible is indescribable. This is how sociopathic Dickens fans who could read fast must’ve felt as they ran through the streets yelling ‘Little Nell’s dead!'”

“They say that Harry Potter’s really for kids and that J.K Rowling’s just in it for the money however I’m forty-five and won’t make a penny off this and I’m having the time of my life.”

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by | June 7, 2016 · 7:05 am

Wombles to lose Wimbledon Common access under Brexit

The Wombles

Bloody foreigners, coming over here taking our litter and tidying our commons….

Nigel Farage is insisting that under Brexit the UK’s favourite mostly immigrant litter-picking team will lose access to their Wimbledon Common home.

“This is a furry swarm of unskilled economic migrants who’ve arrived uninvited in this country and have made no effort to integrate with British society,” Farage said. “They’ve come from as far away as China and the Amazon basin to take advantage of our benefits system and our way of life. Especially the part where decent Brits enjoy covering their country in rubbish which is our right and one we fought WWII to uphold.” Continue reading →

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by | June 3, 2016 · 4:08 pm

Cameron sad that his attempt at child abandonment now looks crap

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Stylish: all Asian black bears have the Batman logo on their chests. They’re massive fans.

David Cameron has spoke of his disappointment now that the news that seven year old Yamato Tanooka has been found after spending six days alone in a bear-filled forest makes him look rubbish.

“When I’d had it up to here with one of my kids I simply left her behind in rather a nice pub,” he said. “Yamato’s parents took it to another level. That really was one hell of a naughty step the little chap was put on.” Continue reading →

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by | May 29, 2016 · 2:21 am

Zika virus latest: Olympics moved to pub

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The chill out zone in the athletes village

The IOC has bowed to pressure from the World Health Authority and agreed to move the Summer Olympics from Rio to a small pub in rural England.

“The Squirrel Lickers Arms is the best location we could find at such short notice,” said Thomas Bach, head of the International Olympic Committee. “Eddie the landlord has assured us that the garden is big enough for all the races as long as the athletes are good at doing a one-eighty every thirty paces and the ‘Kidz Indoor Funland’ has all the soft surfaces needed for gymnastics.” Continue reading →

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by | May 27, 2016 · 3:57 pm

Fears grow for Trump as he admits he’s running out of crazy

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Sophistication on toast: the real Donald Trump relaxing at home

Thoughtful scholar and gentle soul, Donald Trump, has admitted that he’s running out of abominable shite to spout.

“It’s getting harder and harder to come up with the goods,” he confessed. “I go home at night, take off the vivid orange make-up, remove the…let’s just call it a wig, shall we? We’re all better off not knowing the fine details…and try to relax with a slim volume of metaphysical poetry and a nice dry Grüner Veltliners but it’s impossible as I find myself worrying about where tomorrow’s crazy will come from.” Continue reading →

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by | · 2:31 pm

“We’re the red hot, redneck USSR”: Australia gets itself written out of UN climate change report to protect tourist dollars

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“The Great Barrier Reef was bleached and lifeless when we found it, mate. Honest.”

Sunny but evil Australia has had itself purged from a UN global climate change report believing that any drop in tourism will damage the country immeasurably while climate change itself won’t because they’re immune due to being quite good at cricket and having lots of barbecues.

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by | May 25, 2016 · 4:27 am

No diversity, no accountability, sexist: confusion as Theresa May attacks Fire Service for being like Tory Cabinet

Britain's Home Secretary Theresa May delivers her keynote address on the second day of the Conservative party annual conference in Manchester

We tried to think of a witty caption but to be honest she just makes us feel terribly sad

Yawning void in shoes a drag queen wouldn’t touch, Theresa May, has criticised the Fire Service for appearing to have exactly the same working culture as her own organisation. In a baffling speech she lambasted the Fire Service for being toxic and corrosive and coupling it with a lack of transparency and independent scrutiny. She then returned to Number 10 and her Bullingdon Club, Panama tax haven using, “Calm down, dear” boss and his secretive, white, privately educated, millionaire, manly chums. Continue reading →

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by | May 22, 2016 · 6:29 am

Tears as last person to give a rat’s arse about Top Gear and Clarkson dies

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If you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you

The village of Harold is tinged with sadness this morning following the news that village idiot, Tim Trotman, has died leaving precisely no one left alive who even slightly cares about Top Gear or Jeremy Clarkson’s new show.

“Tim was well excited,” said neighbour Julie Kettle. “He loved all the hype and the fact that there’s something about both shows in the press every sodding day. He even thought most of it was real reporting and not part of two micromanaged publicity campaigns. Bless ‘im.” Continue reading →

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by | May 18, 2016 · 7:03 am

Potatoes could cause high blood pressure, says science: Ban these evil immigrants, says Britain First

Delicious, harmful or muslamic?

Pond scum in shit jumpers, Britain First, are grunting for potatoes to be deported following the publication of a study in the BMJ which has identified frequently eating potatoes with hypertension.

 

“I didn’t read no study,” said Paul Golding, leader of Britain First. “But I heard someone saying something in the pub about potatoes being bad for you or something and so it’s time we took our country back from these immigrant brown-skinned evil-doers what are undermining our way of life by forcing innocent Britons to get all fat and ill and that.”
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by | May 10, 2016 · 7:00 am

Chilcot report due on 6th July: Blair’s death to be announced on the 5th

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“Betrayal is the only truth that sticks” – Arthur Miller

Avaricious shadow demon in an ex-Prime Minister costume, Tony Blair, is confidently expected to be found dead in some woods near one of his many homes on 5th July now that the Chilcot Report is being published on the 6th.

Blair, aka The Man Who Warred Too Much, will for the first time in a long time do the decent thing rather than attend a trial for war crimes at the Hague provisionally booked in for the 7th. Continue reading →

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by | May 4, 2016 · 3:20 am

If y’all thought George W. sucked, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet: US scares world with now very real prospect of President Trump

ctptrumpbush

Hail to the Chiefs?

The United States now has fear as its biggest export as it has given everyone else the both the heebies and the jeebies by voting Donald Trump a clear run to the presidency.

“A lot of people thought we couldn’t vote in anyone more alarming than George W. Bush,” said Corey Lewandowski, the manager of Trump’s presidential campaign. “We gave the free world eight years of its self-proclaimed leader being a half psycho-Christian/half marmoset who just plain ol’ loved giving the order for shit to be blown up. That was scary. Now, with The Donald, we bring you terrifying.” Continue reading →

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by | April 29, 2016 · 11:00 am

Ham with bad haircuts: Everyone is 75 per cent worse looking than their reflection

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A typical British high street

Local scientists Dr Rachel Goody and Dr John Guest have perfected an equation allowing them to determine that everyone looks shocking compared to the image they see in the mirror. Proving once and for all that while you may leave the house believing you look all Jack the Biscuit you’re actually wandering around with a face like a spare croissant and by appearance alone are more than capable of giving a police horse PTSD. Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Labour continue to miss massive open goal

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The first rule of the Labour Party is: you do not talk about anything else

Despite being in opposition to a pack of weasels led by a man who’d frack his own grandmother if he thought she was naturally gassy enough to make an (offshore) profit, the Labour party remain unable to look anywhere other than up their own arse.

“It’s very easy to say we’re missing an open goal,” said Jeremy Corbyn. “But the important thing to do is first establish what game we’re playing. I want to be goalie, Hilary Benn insists we’re playing rugby union and Dianne Abbott is wandering around asking everyone why she’s wearing wicket keeping gloves.” Continue reading →

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by | April 27, 2016 · 11:45 am

Everyone now agreed that capitalism is a bit bollocks

arseholes

Alright, maybe not everyone

As shops close, the cost of living goes up and George Osborne stands like the captain of the Titanic bellowing at passers-by ‘There is no iceberg, stop panicking about nothing. My steady hand is on the wheel’, people are realising that there’s a high chance capitalism has gone utterly bobbins. Continue reading →

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by | April 26, 2016 · 2:07 pm

I love BHS and Austin Reed, say millions who would never, ever shop there

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Sadly, they’re all walking past, not going in

Social media and newspaper columns are full of people claiming a profound love for BHS and Austin Reed which in no way extends to actually going to either shop and spending some money.

“BHS? It’s iconic!” enthused local media and trend analyst, Dr Lizzie Philips. “It’s right there in the name, British Home Stores, fantastic! Shopping with your nan, pic ‘n’ mix from Woolies, jumper from C&A, hi-fi from Rumbelows on your Christmas list and then finish off with tea in BHS. Perfect. Have I gone near BHS since I had a choice? Dear god no, it’s not exactly my scene.” Continue reading →

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