Clarence, a foreign angel (now with wings)
Ukip in Glastonbury has come under fire for employing angels and galactic beings none of which are residents of the United Kingdom. There have been resignations in the local party amid allegations that it’s being overrun by occultists who are working with supernatural entities that use the euro and have banned imperial weights and measures in their suspiciously keen-on-garlic-but-not-real-ale celestial home. Continue reading
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Once made a film about being a boxer. Clearly learned nothing
Orlando Bloom has broken the hearts of his legions of fans, and disappointed everyone else, by failing to give Justin Bieber a decent slap when the opportunity arose. Having been insulted by Satan’s pop-meerkat, Bloom allegedly tried to punch him but failed to connect his blow leaving Bieber unscathed. Continue reading
Filed under Entertainment
Now we can all do this of an evening instead, whatever this actually is
There has been an unusual outbreak of happiness in Harold following the government’s decision to switch the internet off every evening in a bid to drive down energy consumption.
“I was afraid that I’d be lonely without the net at night,” local undertaker Carmen Hilton told us. “But now instead of slumping in front of Facebook either mocking or being jealous of one or two friends and dozens of random people I don’t know but friended anyway, I slump on my front step and feel the same about passers-by. It’s lovely, I’ve never had so much fresh air.”
“Having my own opinions is weird,” teen and enthusiastic gamer Simon Delaney confessed. “I mean if you watch something on TV and no one’s tweeting about it at the same time is it really happening, yeah? And I really missed playing Call of Duty before bed then I worked out screaming racial and homophobic slurs at the dog was just as much fun.”
Although the switch-off has not been in place long enough to have produced any data anecdotal evidence suggests that people are sleeping better and that newsagents nationwide have been given a boost due to the massive rise in sales of porn magazines.
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Filed under Social media, Technology
Yeah, it looks okay but is there a Nandos?
The massive expansion in fracking in the UK has had a dramatic effect on the property market. Within minutes of the government announcing that fracking will be allowed to take place anywhere their chums wish to frack the rest of the population began moving to Chipping Norton. Continue reading
Filed under environment, Politics
He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very spineless boy
After last Sunday’s sell-out success by Monty Python, the Liberal Democrats have announced that before they get annihilated in the general election they too are going to say goodbye to fans with a show at the O₂.
“Critics are saying that it will be embarrassing and that we are simply not up to performing at this level,” said Nick Clegg at a press conference today. “But we intend to put on a hell of a show. Vince Cable is practising his dancing, and Danny Alexander can’t wait to drag-up as an hugely unconvincing member of the Cabinet and talk nonsense in a stupid voice once again.” Continue reading
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Makes as much sense as the property price bubble
The news that the economy is back to pre-financial crash levels has been revealed not as a triumph of economic policy but simply because of the loom band epidemic. Continue reading
Yes, Ed, we rather think that they will
A dragon relaxing on a beach. All the decent dragon images were copyrighted so we did our best. A dragon. It is a dragon. A dragon is what it is.
Israel has stepped up its ground offensive in Gaza following intelligence reports that Hamas is stockpiling dragon eggs in schools and hospitals.
“We believe this to be totally credible information,” said Benjamin Netanyahu. “We’ve also learned that Hamas all have tails and are responsible for Freddos no longer costing only ten pence.” Continue reading
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Filed under International News
Ex-BNP leader Nick Griffin: if only all unspeakable gits were this easy to spot
Despite it being one of their favourite sayings the BNP have proved that they don’t all look the same by voting in a new leader who doesn’t look like the villain in the most rubbish pantomime ever. Continue reading
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These people have never paid less than £4 for a cup of coffee in their lives.
The process of making every community in the UK full of boutique coffee places, vinyl record shops, and self-styled creative hubs, but nowhere you can buy batteries or pants, has ground to a halt due to a shortage of hipsters.
Harold couple Oofy and Lysander Eastof say they are sad that they won’t be joined in the village by more people like them. Continue reading
At least Banjo here has fun with his futile gesture
There is a growing suspicion this morning that endlessly bombing each other may not be a road to lasting peace in Israel and Palestine.
“I’m no expert,’ said Harold pensioner Joan Hambleton. “But the situation out there makes Westeros look like Moominland.” Continue reading
Filed under International News
Appointed on merit? The new Secretary of State for Defence
David Cameron has denied that his promoting a few women and badgers to the Cabinet in today’s reshuffle smacks of desperation.
“I am not cynically trying to increase my party’s voter appeal ahead of the general election,” he said. “And in no way did I see that lots of people seem to really like badgers if all those petitions I keep getting are any indication, and so thought that employing one or two would appease the plebs.”
What’s two world wars and one world cup compared to peaceful reunifcation, FOUR world cups and fabulous sausages?
He was just supposed to sell yoghurt
Local ad-woman Meya Begum has admitted that her agency created the character Boris Johnson simply to sell yoghurt.
“Boris was supposed to appeal to kids, very much in the same vein as the Honey Monster,” she explained. “But it got really out of hand. Sorry.” Continue reading
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Or maybe not
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Filed under International News
Tragically Ed has no ability to speak up.
Fears are growing for the safety of Ed Miliband. In a week where a million people went on strike and the government legally banned privacy, the Leader of the Opposition’s continued silence has led to him being reported missing.
Don’t be fooled by appearances, even happy camel girl has something to hide
Research has shown that you are the only person in the UK not involved in at least one cover-up for various offences.
With the media dominated by stories of suspicious City deals, NHS scandals, and, sadly, crimes of a much darker nature all being hushed up, it turns out that only you are not involved in any way. Continue reading
Stop wanting a better quality of life, you lot. It’s upsetting Dave
A million public sector workers are set to strike today however David Cameron has called this action selfish and damaging.
“It’s not fair,” the Prime Minister said. “The truth is that there are a small group of people and they tend to be ideologically motivated and they are opposed to what me and my much smaller group of deeply ideologically motivated chums are doing.” Continue reading
The Chancellor enjoying a good laugh
George Osborne’s attendance at the first of the Monty Python live shows has had an unforeseen consequence.
“I didn’t find the show funny at all,” the Chancellor said. “I don’t like men dressing up as women and talking in stupid voices. I like funny ladies like Mrs Brown. However I did find the contents inspiring.” Continue reading
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Filed under Economy, Entertainment
Mmm, politics can be so delicious
First there was strawmurrays, a harmless renaming of strawberries as a gesture of support for Andy Murray during Wimbledon. Now, Tesco has made a controversial attempt to jump on the being twee with food names bandwagon by renaming its fresh and smoked salmon, Alex Salmond. Continue reading
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