“Boo!”
It’s been happening since 1776 and has made outstanding contributions to global culture like Phyllis Diller, the chocolate chip pancake covered pork sausage on a stick (no, really) and the maine coon cat but now in the face of a non-specific threat from some unidentified hackers the USA has decided to cancel itself. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment, International News
England 1937 and today
George Osborne has sent his autumn statement spending plans to the possibly ironically named Office for Budget Responsibility setting the course for the smallest public service spending since the 1930s. Continue reading
WARNING: can cause doziness. Do not attempt to drive or operate a political party when taking this drug
NICE are holding an urgent review into the use of painkillers Fascistadine, Bigotol and Powellcetomol as well as the sedative Insularin. This follows claims by Kerry Smith that taking them turned him into a racist and homophobic cock-womble. He also pinned the blame firmly on the drugs for his misogyny and possession of a level of arrogance that would make Kanye West blush. Continue reading
It’s been hyped as the biggest TV event of the year however the name of the winner of the X Factor is already known ahead of the final and it isn’t that person’s first victory.
Simon Cowell wins it every year, sheeple. He always wins.
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Filed under Showbusiness
#cloudporn: the intense kind that most definitely needs a safety word
A severe bullshit warning has been issued for the UK as the media chucks a whalloping mungo over the weather bomb. Members of the public are advised to not put their brains at risk by exposing themselves to too much sensationalist hype featuring over-excited media jackals dropping the phrase ‘weather bomb’ repeatedly and with a palpable erotic charge.
As severe storms lash down on us with more fury than that which Iain Duncan Smith has towards those in need, the news will constantly show images of arseholes seemingly desperate to de-select themselves from the gene pool by standing on the most exposed coastal walls possible, and the railway track in Dawlish deciding that the land just wasn’t cutting it and opting to become part of the ocean kingdom once more.
Readers should also be aware that the coming days offer a massively increased chance of seeing David Cameron in wellingtons and a fleece doing ‘concern face’ at flood victims. Plus people who don’t have a sense of humour proving it by quipping “The weather bomb’s hit – insert name of local despised town – and done £10 million of improvements!”
The weather bomb is predicted to be at its most powerful in Scotland though only time will tell if it can succeed where Alex Salmond failed and cut it off from England.
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Filed under Weather
Because he’s happy! Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth…
George Osborne delivered his Autumn Statement to the House of Commons earlier today kicking off a frenzy of press coverage and speculation. Finance can be very confusing so we at the Evening Harold have studied the matter in depth and can now cut through the dense thicket of economic burble and shenanigans to present this concise guide to what it all means. Continue reading
Job done, surely?
A sense of widespread confusion is growing across social media today as racism stubbornly persists in being a thing. Despite more than 400,000 Facebook users liking and sharing a picture of twelve year old Devonte Hart hugging Sgt. Bret Barnum during the riots in Ferguson, Missouri people the world over are continuing to be absolute dicks to each other based on skin tone and birth place. Continue reading
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Filed under International News
“After forty every man gets the face he deserves” – Abraham Lincoln
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Filed under Politics
The Force is strong in this one or is it? We’ll find out in 383 days time
The trailer for the new Star Wars film, set like all the others in a sprawling universe populated by humans, aliens, droids and weird little bear things that are inexplicably ace at war, has confused bigoted nerds the world over by featuring actor John Boyega in a Stormtrooper costume. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
Anyone got any ideas?
David Cameron’s lack of response to a tweet sent to him by Rachel Johnson, sister of golden retriever with a head injury and Mayor of London Boris Johnson, has caused widespread unrest in Harold. Instead of going about their usual morning routines residents are monumentally distracted as they ponder the question Why are you such an egg faced **** finding themselves unable to move on.
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The working class. This was a documentary, right?
David Cameron has been left “confused and more than a little amused” by Labour’s latest bout of hand-wringing over the working class.
“Why Emily Thornberry was sacked or what the problem with not liking the poor and those who refuse to play by the rules and better themselves is is simply beyond me,” the Prime Minister was heard to say at a private event last night. Continue reading
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For some reason she’s got a whole page to herself in it
Following on from the recent launch of their own currency Isis has taken another commerce-focussed break from dragging the world back to the 12th century and leaving it there. Briefly embracing modern life once more they’ve released Isis sticker packs and an album to put them in. Continue reading
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It’s a hard knock life
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Filed under Politics
If you want a vision of the future, imagine having to stare at this face – forever.
As the Rochester & Strood by-election takes place today Britain will be forced once again to endure saturation coverage of Nigel Farage’s enormous mouth.
“I’m all for democracy,” Harold pensioner Tom Stalling told us. “I just wish it could happen without having to see a thousand images of the bleak cavern of cliché and invective that resides under that cream-faced loon’s nose.”
Other villagers have told us that they feel they will be able to cope with a day of inescapable Farage-mouth pictures.
“Doesn’t bother me,” said Sally Kettle. “I’d rather see his mouth than Kim Kardashian’s oily arse any time.”
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Big Brother studio, Elstree: who needs Guantánamo Bay?
The government has announced plans to contain British jihadis who are returning from Syria by the dozen, running scared from the world’s most violent and regressive gap year scheme.
“We can’t revoke passports and we can’t leave them stateless,” said Theresa May. “But what we can do is ensure that they are placed in a secure environment away from the any publicity or internet access.”
“The Big Brother house is perfect,” she enthused. “It’s got great security and no one’s paid it the slightest attention since 2002.”
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He can see his ears without looking in a mirror
Hapless character in a crap sitcom come to life, Ed Miliband, will give a speech at London University today listing the reasons why he should be Prime Minister. The Evening Harold has managed to obtain a copy of the speech – a nice old man called Alan J-something gave it to us with a smile and a hearty wink – and can now exclusively reveal the top ten reasons Ed Miliband believes he is the right person to lead the UK. Continue reading
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Will we cope without them? Yes.
ITV has confirmed that it will stop broadcasting after tens of thousands of people signed an online petition calling for it to do so on the grounds that its output is damaging the nation’s IQ. Continue reading
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Filed under Entertainment
“Me. Me. Meeeeeeee!”
Ukip leader Nigel Farage has poured scorn on tomorrow’s wreath laying ceremony at the Cenotaph complaining that it fails to celebrate him adequately.
“This is the ‘closed shop’ of the British political system in action,” Farage complained. “When it is clear that at this time what the nation needs is me front and centre I have been side-lined in favour of political leaders with more than one MP and an old woman in a black hat.” Continue reading
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Muslims in Harold and Dunstable are feeling the cold having been ordered by the local council to forgo clothes and instead wear giant poppies.
“It’s time we knew whose side they’re on,” said Councillor Ron Ronsson. “Muslims wearing poppies, and only poppies, is no more than the brave men and women of Her Majesty’s armed forces deserve. Anyone refusing to comply is letting Isis win.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold
We can’t imagine where they got the idea
In response to his continual failure to be in any way believable as a human being, the Labour Party are to gender-swap Ed Miliband. Voting for Miliband to be Prime Minister is currently nestling between being sicked on on the nightbus and taking a long steamy shower with Piers Morgan on the official list of the top one hundred things no one ever wants to do. Continue reading
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