Author Archives: Max C-F

by | March 29, 2015 · 6:07 pm

Search for a coherent Ukip policy finally called off

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At last, Flight Lieutenant Waggy-Tail can take a break

RAF Search and Rescue (SARF) have confirmed that they’ve called off the nationwide hunt for a Ukip policy that’s even vaguely realistic.

“The search has been a coordinated effort involving military and civilian professionals as well as dedicated volunteers,” said SARF Force Commander, Group Captain Abi McLean. “However the time has come to admit that all anyone’s found is unworkable nonsense and that there’s no chance anything sustainable and well-thought-out could’ve survived this long within Ukip.” Continue reading →

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by | · 1:57 pm

Lib Dems launch election campaign: nation consumed by joy

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“Nick! Nick! Nick!”

Gathering places all over the UK are today thronged with delirious well-wishers do due to the Lib Dems officially launching their election campaign.

“It’s what we’ve all been waiting for,” yelled a drunken reveller in the crowd at Trafalgar Square. “The Lib Dems on the streets, promising anything and everything so they can stay in power.” Continue reading →

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by | March 27, 2015 · 12:25 pm

Panic as tabloids claim crashing a plane is a common symptom of depression

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Exactly what everyone with a mental illness is like according to the Murdoch/Rothermere press

The village of Harold is at panic stations due to the revelations in the media that taking your own life and those of 150 passengers by crashing a plane is a common symptom of depression.

“I never knew!” wailed Dominic Delaney on his break from working in his café Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! “I was diagnosed with clinical depression six years ago and have been taking fluoxetine ever since. I’ve never felt the slightest urge to harm anyone but now I’ve read seen the headlines in today’s papers I realise that I am a monster who must be stopped.” Continue reading →

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by | March 23, 2015 · 10:52 am

Nigel Farage filmed asking the EDL to chase him out of a pub

farage_2921024bNigel Farage has been secretly filmed begging the EDL to protest his lunch next Sunday by chasing him out of the pub.

“I’ve done nothing wrong,” he told us. “I was going to be seen sitting down with the EDL over a pint and getting them to drop the protest which would prove I can listen to opposing points of view and mediate. As long as those points of view come from white English men of course. Let’s not get carried away here.” Continue reading →

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by | March 20, 2015 · 6:59 am

Eclipse warning from God that straight marriage is abhorrent claims priest

And cue human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria

 

Local priest, Rev Tansy Forster, has warned villagers that today’s solar eclipse is a sign that God just can’t be having with straight marriage.

“It’s abhorrent,” Rev Forster told us. “Look at the world: think of the stress and the debt fuelled by heterosexual couplings. And, worse, think of all the terrible pop songs.  Today’s eclipse and the fact that it coincides with the Super Moon and Spring Equinox is a clear sign from the Almighty that these are the end times.” Continue reading →

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by | March 18, 2015 · 2:52 am

Internet Explorer killed: farewell world’s favourite browser to download Chrome from

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We’ve never felt this strongly about anything

Cyberspace’s neediest puppy, Internet Explorer, is being killed off by Microsoft. Having lurked on desktops since 1995 begging the unwary to make it their default browser at the slightest, briefest click of attention, it will now join Netscape Navigator and All Your Base Are Belong To Us in the great internet file simply titled ‘meh – forgotten’. Continue reading →

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by | March 16, 2015 · 1:56 am

Blair steps back as Peace Envoy: peace in Middle East back on track

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The face of someone who’s been visited by the three ghosts but didn’t get the Christmas morning redemption

Stranger to reality and best friend to human rights abusing dictators the world over, Tony Blair, is to step back from his role as Peace Envoy in the Middle East. Citizens of Palestine and Israel have breathed a sigh of relief and spoken of a renewed belief in the process now it won’t be held back by the presence of a man who in the course of his political career has done as much for peace as Jack the Ripper did for feminism. Continue reading →

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by | March 11, 2015 · 3:07 am

‘Cheers, mate’: Cameron thanks old pal Clarkson for distracting press

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Caption competition: what’s Alex James thinking? Tell us on our Facebook page

David Cameron is today full of praise for his close friend, Jeremy Clarkson, for distracting the media in the run up to the election.

“I’m indebted to the man we’ll all soon be calling Baron Clarkson of Chipping Norton for proving yet again that people don’t really give a toss about politics but if you criticise any element of their favourite distraction then the internet’s flooded with comments and petitions before you can say change.org.” Continue reading →

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by | March 4, 2015 · 11:00 am

Warning: giving up sugar can lead to acute rise in smugness

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Pure, white and deadly. You’ll live longer if you stop eating it but you’ll be lonely without all the friends you bored to death by constantly wilfing on about how you quit.

Scientists are warning today that giving up sugar can lead to dangerous levels of smugness and isolation.

“We’re seeing more and more incidences of someone quitting sugar and then taking to Facebook to continually brag about their achievement and patronisingly urge everyone else to do the same,” said Harold scientist Dr Rachel Guest. “The most hopeless cases are also posting lots of selfies with captions like #betterthanever and #postiveaboutme which family and friends find uncomfortable to witness. Especially if up until a few days ago the poster was the sort of person who would frequently try to eat their own body weight in pizza and whose only exercise was brushing their teeth a bit hard.” Continue reading →

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by | March 3, 2015 · 2:28 am

Parliament is rotten to the core, so is the building: £3bn in repairs required

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How the Palace of Westminster will look by July if we don’t all stump up some serious coin.

Like the principles of its incumbents the Palace of Westminster will soon be abandoned, as a study has revealed it to be rotten, hopelessly outdated and not fit for purpose insert own ‘just like most MPs’ comment here.

Commons Speaker John Bercow said in a speech that Parliament could move from the building permanently “unless management of the very highest quality and a not inconsequential sum of public money are deployed” putting the figure at £3bn. Continue reading →

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by | February 23, 2015 · 7:12 pm

Jeremy Clarkson and Katie Hopkins: which one is the other in drag?

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Um….Jeremy?

 

He’s a git who has a column in the Murdoch press and found fame on the BBC and she’s a git who has a column in the Murdoch press and found fame on the BBC. Inescapable will-have-controversial-opinions-for-food mongers Katie Hopkins and Jeremy Clarkson have never been seen together causing many to wonder if they’re actually the same person. Continue reading →

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by | February 21, 2015 · 1:51 pm

All-night tubes will solve London’s housing crisis, says Boris Johnson

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Lots of space and centrally located. Who could ask for anything more?

London, a city that currently has as many affordable houses as Kanye West has humble thoughts, is to offer a new living solution to those who aren’t swimming in coin when the tube begins running a twenty-four hour service.

“There are people out there too lazy to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, earn a decent wage and buy a house,” said Boris Johnson. “But anyone can afford an Oyster card. And once on the tube permanent commuters, or ‘pooters’ as we’ll be branding them in a series of charming cartoons voiced by Joanna Lumley and David Walliams, can enjoy a luxury moving home right in the heart of our fabulous Qatari-owned capital.” Continue reading →

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by | February 17, 2015 · 3:32 pm

Daily Mail admits to getting a bit excited by Isis

Paul Dacre: sweaty palms

Punishment for sins we all committed in a past life and alleged source of news, the Daily Mail, has admitted that Isis gets them a little bit sweaty.

“It’s the way they keep doing entirely unspeakable things to people and filming it that I find so fascinating,” said editor, Paul Dacre. “We then publish images from those films, with the worst details ever-so-slightly blurred, and harrumph about how evil it is. Then we do it again and again and again. Simples.” Continue reading →

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by | · 8:58 am

Joy as scientists reinvent the penis

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Would anyone else be happier to find a kitten in there?

Local scientists Dr John Goody and Dr Rachel Guest are being hailed as heroes today having successfully reinvented the jumble giblets so they’re now much more pleasing.

“It’s not just the penis,” Dr Guest explained. “Although that took the most time, using DNA manipulation we’ve reinvented the whole collection of objects so they now have greatly improved functionality and a far more pleasing design. No longer will male genitalia look like something you’d hit with your spade or cover up with your bucket out of fear if you found them while rock-pooling at the beach.” Continue reading →

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by | February 16, 2015 · 6:30 am

Skunks banned from UK zoos lest they inspire drug use

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“Hungry and homeless, please help”

Theresa May has confirmed this morning that skunks are being kicked out of UK zoos to combat drug use.

“Science has shown that skunk cannabis can have a serious impact on mental health,” said the Home Secretary, as she waved a report that she wouldn’t let anyone else look at properly. “Science! So we’re tackling this problem head on by removing skunks from public view and as a further precaution to address the use of other types of cannabis we’re outlawing corned beef hash plus any vegetarian alternatives bearing the hash name.” Continue reading →

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by | February 15, 2015 · 2:03 pm

Isis leader says end goal is a Caliphate of one

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We don’t know who created this Lego Islamic extremist but our hat is off to them

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of Isis, has said that his end goal is a global Caliphate consisting of himself.

“Once I’ve excluded/killed women, everyone who’s LGBT, Jews, non-believers, anyone who looks at me funny, Jews again just to make sure, and all those who refuse to acknowledge that Christopher Eccelstone was the best Doctor Who there aren’t many people left,” he said in a statement released today. Continue reading →

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by | · 6:50 am

Boris Johnson to renounce personality in bid to become PM

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Boris acquired his mad throwing skillz hurling food and plates around restaurants during his Buillingdon Club days

Boris Johnson is ditching his buffoonish persona and changing his image from the love child of the late Sir Patrick Moore and a long-haired guinea pig with a brain injury to that of a normalish human being in a bid to become PM.

“Voters will see a huge difference,” the London Mayor told journalists. “I had a lot of fun pretending to be an idiot who couldn’t keep a thought in his head or his dick in his pants but now it’s time to show that I can lead this country.” Continue reading →

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by | February 14, 2015 · 7:45 am

No more benefits for fatties, says Cameron, while fat cats remain his bestest chums

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People in fat houses shouldn’t throw lard, Dave.

David Cameron has announced the next step in his war against people who aren’t him by saying that the obese, alcoholics and drug addicts will face benefit sanctions if they don’t get better and get working.

“It is not fair to ask hardworking taxpayers to fund the benefits of people who refuse to accept the support and treatment that could help them get back to a life of work,” the Prime Minister said. “While it’s perfectly fair to force hardworking taxpayers to bail out banks and my friends in the City because massively high-stakes gambling with money that isn’t yours is an addiction that we Tories cherish and support one hundred per cent.” Continue reading →

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by | February 11, 2015 · 7:00 am

Police seek details of Evening Harold readers

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Off to kick down the door of an elderly church warden who subscribes to Private Eye

PC Flegg has been going around the village taking the details of our readers. Haroldites are being asked to provide her with their names and addresses and information such as whether or not they’ve got a copy of Charlie Hebdo in the house and if they’ve ever watched Charlie Brooker’s Weekly Wipe.

“Counter terrorism!” PC Flegg yelled when we cautiously approached her. “Following recent incidents I’m assessing community tensions and providing reassurance.” Continue reading →

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by | February 10, 2015 · 2:23 am

CIA admit they made cats up to keep everyone docile

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Harold’s Mister Superpaws. He’s not real, the cake is a lie, and Soylent Green is people.

There was shock around the world this morning when John O’Brennan, Director of the CIA, admitted that his organisation made cats up to keep people distracted and compliant.

“Aw shucks, y’got us,” he confessed. “When the internet started we at the CIA quickly realised that it could become a global tool for unrestricted communication, uncensored ideas and free trade so naturally we put together a plan of action to combat that and so the cat was born.” Continue reading →

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