Author Archives: Max C-F

by | August 17, 2015 · 3:39 am

Mandelson attempted to get other houses to resign so Gryffindor wouldn’t win House Cup

Peter-Mandelson_2872692b

Peter Mandelson: intensely unrelaxed about democracy

It emerged late last night that Lord Mandelson involved himself in the Hogwarts House Cup by urging three houses to resign en mass in order to suspend the contest and prevent the left wing Gryffindor house from winning.

Mandelson, a Slytherin and close confident of Lord Tonymort whom he helped rise to power in 1997, is understood to have contacted the heads of each of the three houses and ordered them to resign on the grounds that a bunch of left-wingers winning something made him feel “all clammy and alarmed as it should any proud Labour member who truly embraces our party’s history and ideals.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Mandelson attempted to get other houses to resign so Gryffindor wouldn’t win House Cup

Filed under Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 2:38 am

30-something realises most of their friends are just people they can’t be bothered to tell to sod off

Capture

Pffft

A local woman has been left dazed by the revelation that most of her friends are as much good to her as tits on a fish.

Cassie Fine, 35, owner of Harold geek shop Dungeons and More Dungeons, said that she came to this conclusion while scrolling her Facebook newsfeed. Continue reading →

Comments Off on 30-something realises most of their friends are just people they can’t be bothered to tell to sod off

Filed under Around Harold

Tagged as ,

by | August 11, 2015 · 7:00 am

Vote Corbyn and you’ll summon Cthulhu warns Alastair Campbell

cthulhu

Cthulu: currently dormant and dreaming of reducing our sanity to ashes, and renationalising the railways

Former spin doctor Alastair Campbell has warned that voting for Jeremy Corbyn would be a “car crash, and more” for both Labour and the nation as a whole. Specifying that the “more” part would definitely involve the rise of Cthulu, the monstrous entity whose existence is beyond mortal comprehension and whose rise from the stone city of R’lyeh will usher in an era of madness that will destroy our minds along with  civilisation itself. Continue reading →

2 Comments

Filed under Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | August 7, 2015 · 3:07 pm

PM admits ‘I’ll give millions for any old toss if the person asking for it went to the right school’

1617

Camila Batmanghelidjh: Like Dave had an ethnic chum but without him experiencing any cognitive dissonance

David Cameron has today said that continuing to throw money at Kids Company was “the right thing to do” because its founder went to a decent public school.

“Camila Batmanghelidjh is beyond reproach,” said the mesmerised PM. “She’s from the right background and knows all the correct people. Of course I and fellow old Etonian Oliver Letwin overruled civil servants to ensure her small London-centric charity got tens of millions in cash no questions asked. There’s no need for audit this and accountability that when you can look into a chap, or chapess’, eye, give them the old firm handshake and know that you’re both on exactly the same page.” Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | August 4, 2015 · 3:52 am

No to yes in French and German: Ukip medium demands English name for ouija boards

English_ouija_board

Is there anybody there? No, it works due to the ideomotor effect.

Local medium and Ukip member, Aileen Kinsman, is calling for her party to spearhead a campaign to get ouija boards renamed so as not to put “decent English souls” off from making contact.

“It’s unacceptable for me to have to converse with those who’ve crossed over using equipment named in French and German,” she said. “They should be called YesAbsolutely boards which everyone can understand in an instant and not by a foreign title. I’m a psychic medium, for heaven’s sake, I shouldn’t have to deal with made-up nonsense.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on No to yes in French and German: Ukip medium demands English name for ouija boards

Filed under Around Harold

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | July 28, 2015 · 6:56 am

Fears grow for woman who only communicates in Minion quotes

roflbot

Post a Minion quote and this is what you’re actually telling the world

Villager Pauline Regan is now in her thirteenth week of using social media solely to post Minion quotes leaving friends and family concerned for her welfare, and wondering if she’ll ever regain her sense of humour.  Continue reading →

Comments Off on Fears grow for woman who only communicates in Minion quotes

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , ,

by | July 27, 2015 · 7:49 pm

EH Exclusive: First scenes from ‘sexier and glossier’ US remake of All Creatures Great and Small

allcreaturesHBO, creators of gritty and supremely violent shows such as Game of Thrones, The Wire, and Spartacus have turned to an unlikely source for their next tits ‘n’ exposition spectacular, James Herriot’s All Creatures Great and Small, promising that their show will be ‘sexier and glossier’ than the beloved BBC adaptation. We’ve managed to obtain the first three scenes from the script of the pilot episode and publish them here so readers can decide if this version will be as glorious as a night in the Drover’s Arms or if it should be sent to Jeff Mallock’s yard immediately. Continue reading →

Comments Off on EH Exclusive: First scenes from ‘sexier and glossier’ US remake of All Creatures Great and Small

Filed under Entertainment

Tagged as , , , ,

by | July 26, 2015 · 5:04 am

Donkey community in uproar over Mhairi Black’s allegation that they bray like MPs

MAM-14-KH0098-01P

Prances McHoof: spokesdonkey

Newly elected SNP MP, Mhairi Black, has caused outrage amongst the UK’s donkeys by claiming that they make the same sound as MPs.

In an interview with the Times she commented on Parliament’s rules by saying: “So you’re not allowed to clap like an ordinary person, but you’re allowed to bray like a donkey? I mean, see PMQs, especially the Conservative side, they’ve got this weird noise they do. It actually sounds like a drunken mob.” Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Tagged as , , , , ,

by | July 22, 2015 · 4:40 am

It’s all too scary: world decides to give up on news and focus on Kit Harington’s hair instead

Article Lead - wide997168162ghos15image.related.articleLeadwide.729x410.ghorvm.png1434412172368.jpg-620x349

Could you just spoon with us and tell us that everything’s going to be all right?

As current events seem to more and more resemble the nastier bits of a Brueghel painting, the entire world has decided to give up, stick its head in the sand, and simply concentrate on Kit Harington’s hair from now on.

The actor’s tremendous locks are generating an increasing amount of headlines as everyone clings to news of its length and whereabouts as the only thing they can understand in these dark and confusing times. Continue reading →

Comments Off on It’s all too scary: world decides to give up on news and focus on Kit Harington’s hair instead

Filed under Showbusiness

Tagged as , , , ,

by | July 20, 2015 · 1:31 am

One at a time: Guardian on mission to declare everything in known universe racist

adorable-baby-cat-cute-kitten-favim-com-284524

If you have to ask whether or not Mister Superpaws is racist, you’re part of the problem

It’s already ticked tea, Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds, barbecues, universities, beaches, spoons, and hair off the list (guess how many of those we made up) and though it has along way to go the Guardian is determined to see through its mission to declare absolutely everything racist.

“I’m confident we can do it,” editor Katharine Viner told us. “We used to do proper investigative journalism but by focussing on this we can just pay a few freelancers to sit in their kitchens and endlessly pump out daft opinion pieces. It certainly saves money.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on One at a time: Guardian on mission to declare everything in known universe racist

Filed under Media

Tagged as , , , ,

by | July 15, 2015 · 2:35 am

‘They’ll take it out on someone’: badgers fear attack from government denied chance to twat foxes

Eurasian Badger Relaxing

This one’s so scared it’s forgotten how to badger

Badgers across England are today living in fear of becoming the victims of a reprisal attack from a government which reacts to the word ‘no’ about as well as a spoilt toddler who’s just asked for more sweets.

“Fair play to the foxes,” said Furry Rita, spokesbadger for the Harold Wood colony, “we’re glad it’s worked out for them but now the Tories’ll be looking to save face and viciously off something else. They’ll take it out on someone and their traditional prey, miners, seems to have gone extinct.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on ‘They’ll take it out on someone’: badgers fear attack from government denied chance to twat foxes

Filed under Badgers

Tagged as , , ,

by | July 9, 2015 · 4:21 am

Labour’s opposition to welfare cuts in full

sgMXV

Chillaxing: contagious across the political spectrum

Comments Off on Labour’s opposition to welfare cuts in full

Filed under Politics

Tagged as , , , ,

by | July 5, 2015 · 5:53 am

Russell Brand confirmed as Princess Charlotte’s godfather

2014-10-18_ent_3949237_I2

Russell Brand: believes he can cure scrofula by touch

With hours to go until her christening Buckingham Palace has announced that Russell Brand will be Princess Charlotte’s godfather.

“I’m doing this out of pity for someone trapped in a bubble of privilege with no idea how ordinary people live,” said the princess. “I thought it would be a nice gesture. Plus we have something in common in that I don’t even superficially understand the world and just talk gibberish too.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Russell Brand confirmed as Princess Charlotte’s godfather

Filed under Royals

Tagged as , , ,

by | July 4, 2015 · 5:29 pm

“We’re going to close our eyes and chant la la la”: Fears grow that government’s response to illegal immigrants in Calais is bobbins

head_in_the_sand-461x307

Is Dave staying like this sustainable in the long term?

After putting on his serious face and calling the situation in Calais ‘unacceptable’ David Cameron has now raised fears that the government’s response is bobbins by going to the beach and burying his head in the sand.

“It’s nice and warm in here,” the Prime Minister said in a somewhat muffled statement. “And there’s no need for me to come out. My government has everything under control and our long-term strategy of closing our eyes and chanting ‘la la la’ is far and away the best permanent solution.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on “We’re going to close our eyes and chant la la la”: Fears grow that government’s response to illegal immigrants in Calais is bobbins

Filed under Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | · 1:30 am

Labour to spend weekend practicing deafening silence ahead of Tory budget

wuzzlesgrp

We’ve honestly forgotten who the Shadow Cabinet are. Is it the Wuzzels? We hope it’s the Wuzzels.

The parliamentary Labour Party are spending the next two days on a country retreat working on how they can provide the least opposition to the first Conservative budget since November 1996.

“We hear that George Osborne is going to favour the wealthy on inheritance tax while also cutting billions from welfare,” a Labour insider who gave their name only as Harriet Harman told us. “We don’t like that at all so in response we’ll be sure to…um…well…hoo…” Continue reading →

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Tagged as , , ,

by | June 30, 2015 · 4:41 am

19 years on many still afraid Cliff will sing at Wimbledon again

cliff-richard-pa_1924300c

The horror! The horror!

It hasn’t happened since July 1996 however latest research shows that people’s biggest Wimbledon worry is still the threat of Cliff Richard bursting into song.

“I know there’s heightened security around for other reasons,” a denizen of Murray Mound who gave his name only as Yoda told us, “but for most of us the greatest concern is the weather. Every time there’s a cloud in the sky I feel my stomach tighten. Cloud leads to rain, rain leads to Cliff, Cliff leads to suffering.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on 19 years on many still afraid Cliff will sing at Wimbledon again

Filed under Sport

Tagged as , ,

by | June 28, 2015 · 6:08 am

Australia officially takes over as global village idiots

hqdefault

This quokka’s only smiling because it doesn’t know how dumb it is

Australia has officially taken over from the USA as global village idiots following a recent flurry of good ideas from Washington on things like healthcare, gay marriage and extremism. As he received the golden sheep’s bladder on a stick from Barack Obama during a ceremony in Canberra earlier today, Prime Minister Tony Abbott said that he is delighted by his country’s rise. Continue reading →

Comments Off on Australia officially takes over as global village idiots

Filed under International News

Tagged as , , , ,

by | June 25, 2015 · 2:41 am

“Moo about it being ‘totally unacceptable’ then just sit back down”: Cameron’s Calais plan in full

game-thrones-season-5-spoilers-white-walkers-hardhome

To be fair to Calais police some of these chaps who are intent on getting into the UK do seem a bit highly strung. We wouldn’t want to tackle them either.

  1. Blame the French.

  2. Moo about it being ‘totally unacceptable’ then just sit back down.

  3. Never mention that under the Coalition the Border Force had 20% slashed from its budget and its workforce reduced by 5,200. Continue reading →

Comments Off on “Moo about it being ‘totally unacceptable’ then just sit back down”: Cameron’s Calais plan in full

Filed under Politics, Uncategorized

Tagged as , , ,

by | June 17, 2015 · 11:00 am

Villagers adopt Ramadan to get away with being crap at work for a month

Sunshine

Opportunist slackers remember, when the sun is in the sky at work you don’t have to try

With one day left until Ramadan workshy villagers are preparing to embrace the idea of fasting for a month during daylight hours in the belief it will give them a brilliant excuse for being rubbish at work.

“I’m not a Muslim,” healthcare assistant Daphne Newton said. “But can you imagine not eating or drinking for up to nineteen hours a day? I reckon I’d be quite cranky and non-productive so I thought I’d slack off for the next thirty days. Then if the boss has a go I’ll say it’s Ramadan and all cultural and she’ll leave me alone.” Continue reading →

Comments Off on Villagers adopt Ramadan to get away with being crap at work for a month

Filed under Religion

Tagged as , ,

by | June 13, 2015 · 10:33 am

EH Quiz: Have I just been knighted or made a dame?

knighthood_2102973iThe Queen’s birthday honours list can be confusing. With so many names and different gongs being handed out it’s hard to keep track of who’s got what. So here’s our guide to determining if you’re one of the lucky ones who now has to shog off to the palace and not flinch when an old woman comes at them with a blade.

  1. Premier Inns are:

a) fuck huts for proles.
b) pretty good for the price.
c) the single greatest achievement in human history. Continue reading →

Comments Off on EH Quiz: Have I just been knighted or made a dame?

Filed under News

Tagged as , , ,