Author Archives: rickw

by | November 22, 2015 · 7:31 am

Film-makers ‘bewildered’ at church service Star Wars ban

prayer

“Please, please let Harrison Ford be still cool”

Following the news that cinemas have banned a new advertisement for the Lord’s Prayer, Lucasfilm has has said it is “disappointed and bewildered” by the refusal of UK churches to screen the new Star Wars film.

Director J. J. Abrams called the decision “plain silly” and warned it could have a “chilling” effect on his pay check.

“In what is thankfully still a Star Wars-worshipping country, it seems perverse not to allow churchgoers to enjoy the movie during their spare time at the pew,” he insisted. “We’d turn the volume down a bit while the vicar was actually talking, so it wouldn’t get in the way at all.”

It had been hoped the film would be screened UK-wide in the middle of Christmas services, instead of the boring bit where they usually have kids holding candles and singing, but in a statement, the Church of England said it had a policy of not showing Star Wars movies in its places of worship.

“Not because of any risk of offending people,” a spokesperson explained, “It’s just that the last three were bollocks.”

Star Wars fans immediately condemned the decision, many pointing out that this year’s traditional all-night Easter Vigil at Westminster Abbey included a triple-header of all three Hobbit films, even though the last one was a bit crap.

Reports that this was because the Archbishop of Canterbury likes to take the robes home and play at being Gandalf could not be confirmed.

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by | November 21, 2015 · 7:47 am

Police cuts will severely impact undercover shagging, say chiefs

Mark-Kennedy-007

Look out ladies!

Cuts to officer numbers will severely affect the ability of undercover police to have illegal affairs with women they have befriended, senior police chiefs have told the home secretary.

“It is the worst possible timing to be cutting police numbers now, in the current climate when so many officers fancy a quick one with members of the public who do not know they are actually police,” the letter insists.

“Especially with all the other stuff going on at the moment, our officers are going to have to choose between illicit nookie and protecting the public from bad people,” it continues.

“The obvious result is that the terrorists will win.”
Continue reading →

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by | November 20, 2015 · 9:51 am

US Muslims call for assholes to wear wigs

image

“Look, there’s one now!”

Following the news that Donald Trump has suggested forcing American Muslims to wear special badges, leading Muslims have called for assholes everywhere to be made to wear ridiculous comb-over-style wigs, so they can be avoided at a distance.

Trump told reporters at his campaign bunker this morning he had originally believed that people’s skin colour could be used as a handy warning of imminent terrorism, before coming up with the excellent but uneasily-familiar idea of registration and badging.

In response, a spokesman for Muslim Action Network, a leading US charity, suggested that the real problem might be avoiding assholes, not Muslims, and pointed out that seeing as Trump is already leading the way, a laughably piss-poor hairpiece might be an excellent way to spot those a-holes a-coming. Continue reading →

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by | November 19, 2015 · 10:18 am

US states combat ‘threat to Christianity’ by abandoning everything in Bible

states

Twats in brown

In the face of a perceived threat to their Christian way of life, many US states have taken the brave decision to completely abandon all the principles that made the Bible a good thing in the first place.

Most states were planning to take in refugees fleeing from the conflict in Syria, but the fact that the Paris terrorists are apparently the same colour has provoked entirely-understandable panic among the fearless Americans.

The practical effect is for the entire southern USA to cancel all that stuff about Good Samaritans, charity and basically all the “Christian” bits of the New Testament.
Continue reading →

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by | November 18, 2015 · 10:28 am

Goebbels family suing Daily Mail over vermin refugee cartoon

ratnew

mac’s allegedly controversial cartoon

The family of former Nazi  Reich Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels has announced immediate legal action against the Daily Mail newspaper, following the Mail’s cartoon comparing Middle-Eastern refugees to rats.

Goebbels’ famous propaganda movies and posters also pictured Jewish people as fleeing rodents, and according to German lawyers the Mail is guilty of blatant copyright infringement.

“It’s not that we don’t like what they’re doing,” explained a Goebbels family member at a press conference this morning in a Munich beer-hall. “We think Josef would have been right behind them, it’s more the principle.”

Daily Mail cartoonist Mac was quick to defend his cartoon, saying: “I’ve never copied anyone, it’s all blatant nasty lying bullshit – which I have to hold my hands up and admire, to be honest.”

“If I’ve been influenced in any way by Nazi propaganda, that would be purely subconsciously, an innocent result of spending many happy days surrounded by Nazi memorabilia, poring over Mein Kampf into the late hours. A bit of that stuff is bound to sink in.”

In a further twist, it emerged that representatives of current neo-Nazi parties were “closely studying” the rest of the Daily Mail’s content.

“That’s not because we’re thinking of suing or anything,” explained one fascist, “We just think it’s a bloody good read.”

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by | November 13, 2015 · 1:22 pm

Children unite for ‘Wogan in Need’ campaign

wogan_in_need

A sad, broken figure.

Children everywhere have got together for a grand event on Friday to raise awareness of Terry Wogan, following the well-beloved national treasure’s recent back problems, which meant him being forced to pull out of something.

“Many people today don’t realise the plight of the Wogan today,” explained a child this morning. “That’s why we’re giving our time, to get up there, do a bit of good, give something back, you know?”

“Also, it’s great exposure. We’ve got a book coming out, and sales should go through the roof. To be honest, I couldn’t give a toss about the old git. Er, I mean keep dialling, listeners!”

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by | · 12:00 pm

Homeopathy fans starting to notice it doesn’t do anything

"Hang on a minute, it's all bollocks!"

“Hang on a minute, it’s ALL sugar???”

Following the news that homeopathic ‘treatments’ may be added to the list of ineffective things that doctors are not allowed to prescribe, fans of the sugar pills with nothing else in them have started to realise that the technique may be ‘bollocks’, it emerged today.

The controversial practice is based on the concept that easily-led people are likely to pay for anything which sounds cosmic, but the most ardent adherents are now noticing that even after much expense, they still seem to have hayfever, cancer or the clap. Continue reading →

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by | November 9, 2015 · 9:43 am

Anti-capitalism protesters ridiculed for wearing trousers, eating food

fawkes

No-one’s allowed to protest any more, because picture

Sanctimonious free-market apologists have slammed so called “anti-capitalism protesters” for their hypocrisy in propping up big business by having the cheek to buy sandwiches and wear clothes.

“Look at them,” ejaculated big nob in the City Toby Ffitch-Romper this morning. “Look at them with their jeans and their bread-based lunch snacks. Bought from a shop. The hypocrisy’s lost on them, of course.”

“Don’t get me started on those Guy Fawkes masks. They’re made in China you know, by workers struggling in terrible conditions. I know, because my bank owns the factory.”

“What these sheeple don’t realise is that even their clothes are made by poorly-paid workers to enrich the very elite which they purport to be protesting against! Me, I don’t take any protester seriously unless they’re naked, with no hair product, and haven’t eaten in six months. Anyone else is just a bastard.”

Chartered Accountant Alan Renfrew was of a similar opinion. “They’re out there with banners, letting themselves be photographed by iPhones! I mean, can’t they see the irony?”

“Personally, I make all my telephone calls to my wife Beryl by means of a long length of string and two cans. That’s not a statement about our throw-away society, I’m just a weirdo.”

“I might not choose to take to the streets to bring down the giant corporations, but if I did, the fact that I dress entirely in my own fluff would mean I’m not literally drenched in the blood of Bangladeshi factory workers.”

“Were it not for the fact that I unfortunately happen to be a mass-murderer specialising in loom-workers from the Bangladesh area.”

“That is, however, by the by.”

 

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by | October 30, 2015 · 8:07 am

Blair to be thrown from yacht and drowned under ‘Maxwellisation’ process

yacht

Where’s Tony?

The ‘Maxwellisation’ process which has delayed the Chilcot Iraq War enquiry will mainly involve throwing former Prime Minister Tony Blair from a yacht, it emerged today.

The process, named after the practical measures taken in disposing of evil megalomaniac Robert Maxwell, involves the ‘accidental’ drowning and/or disappearance at sea of a person too unpleasant to deal with in any other way.

Blair’s reluctance to be weighted down and hurled into the ocean is believed to be one reason behind the extreme delay in finishing the enquiry.

“People are blaming me,” explained enquiry chief Sir John Chilcot, “But they don’t realise the time it takes to persuade a man like Blair that everyone would be better off if he was just tied up and dropped into a large body of water. I’m doing my best.”

At first it was hoped that the former Prime Minister would consent to being strapped to a pile of bricks and dropped into the North Atlantic, but after negotiation with his advisers this punishment was reduced to being gently pushed into the warmer waters five miles off Antibes in the Mediterranean.

Hopes that Blair could be weighed down with the broken dreams of a million dead Iraqis were deemed to be more poetic than practical.

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by | October 29, 2015 · 2:16 pm

Pile of garbage ignored by cleaners who thought it was modern art

art-installation

But is it rubbish?

Cleaners at a museum in Italy were left red-faced today after mistakenly leaving a huge pile of mess from a party, after mistaking it for a modern art installation.

The empty champagne bottles, confetti and pieces of paper did look like a confronting modern exhibit meant to represent the decadence of 1980s Italy, characterised by hedonism and consumerism, but were in fact merely a pile of old crap. Continue reading →

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by | October 28, 2015 · 8:18 am

New Lloyd Webber superhero appears wherever inequality is threatened

andrew lloyd webber

“… whenever wealth or privilege are threatened”

The government defeat in the House of Lords has revealed a humble tunesmith’s status as international superhero, fearlessly parachuting in to vote whenever wealth or privilege are threatened.

Born plain Andrew Lloyd Webber, Baron Lloyd-Webber of Sydmonton struggled to come up with the tricky third name that hadn’t already been used, after learning there were no Puccini operas with superheroes he could rip off.  Continue reading →

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by | October 2, 2015 · 7:00 am

Elections to be replaced by new ‘people-rating’ app

peeple

Happy voters commenting on Iain Duncan Smith

MPs from all parties were in turmoil today after a surprise announcement from the UK Electoral Commission that traditional electoral ballots will be replaced by the controversial ‘people-rating’ phone app Peeple.

Instead of the whole tedious business of visiting hastily-converted schools and village halls to place their vote, British citizens will now simply assign a rating from one to five stars for each local candidate, in a similar way to placing reviews on Trip Advisor or Amazon. Votes can be accompanied by personal comments about the candidates, which will not influence the result, but should be great fun.

“You can’t stop progress,” insisted Electoral Commission Chief Executive Peter Wardle. “This will free up valuable time which the public can spend rioting or building street barricades. Although it could be a bit of a bugger for Iain Duncan Smith.”

Reaction from the UK political parties was mixed. “We see this as a great enabler of democracy, a potential game-changer in human engagement,” explained Jeremy Corbyn. “Although in spite of myself I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for Iain Duncan Smith.”

Prime Minister David Cameron was more hesitant in his approval, warning of the risk that the simplicity of phone-based voting might mean that people are unduly influenced by certain minor incidents from politicians’ pasts, which should really be forgotten and have no bearing on today, and anyway he never did it.

“Mind you,” he concluded, “At least I’m not Iain Duncan Smith.”

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith gave a short statement to reporters: “I’m fucked. But at least I’m not Katie Hopkins”

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by | September 29, 2015 · 11:00 am

Shell abandons Arctic drilling until people not looking

oil rig gone

Nothing to see here – photo released by Shell showing oil rigs all gone

The oil giant Shell has announced that its controversial drilling operations off Alaska will stop ‘until everyone has forgotten what evil bastards we are’.

Initial tests had uncovered greater than expected levels of public hatred, the company explained, and therefore the search for oil and gas in the region would be halted ‘forever, or until you all stop watching us, whichever comes first’.

A spokesman for Greenpeace expressed delight at the decision, adding that they would now shift their focus to other endangered areas of the planet, a move which Shell welcomed. Continue reading →

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by | September 24, 2015 · 7:00 am

Police launch new ‘000’ phone number for people happy to be just left in ditch

happy-field

Lovely, just leave me here, thanks.

Following a successful trial in Cambridgeshire yesterday where police left a motorcycle crash victim lying in a ditch for hours, the service is to be rolled out nationwide, it was announced today.

Inspired by the NHS non-emergency advice number 111, the new 000 service will allow the public to alert the police that something bad has happened, but that they are happy to be left in a ditch for a few hours if the police are too busy harassing Muslim school children and searching black teenagers.

Yesterday’s crash victim, managing a feeble wave from a police wheelbarrow after his eventual collection, said he was “thrilled” to be part of the successful trial. Continue reading →

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by | September 23, 2015 · 9:00 am

‘50% of refugees could be secret ginger extremists’ says Daily Mail

ginger-refugee

Escaping their roots?

Following the conviction of a “ginger extremist” for plotting to kill Princes Charles and William, the Daily Mail has revealed that up to 50% of so-called refugees from Syria could actually be secret gingers on a mission to undermine the UK’s brown and blond society.

“People see heartbreaking pictures of migrants in boats apparently fleeing a warzone,” argued Mail editor Paul Dacre today, “But have you ever noticed how many of them are wearing hats?”

“Many of them are coming over here, claiming to be light brown or ‘strawberry blonde’, but it’s clear that in many cases this is nothing but a ruse.”

A spokesperson from the UK’s National Council of Gingers expressed shock at the assumption that redheads were terrorists based purely on the colour of their hair.

“It may be true that many of the refugees follow are of ginger background,” he explained, “But the vast majority of gingers are peaceful, hard-working folk, even if they do look a bit funny.”

Instances of gingerphobia are on the rise worldwide, as seen in the recent incident in a US school when a ginger pupil was arrested by police after bringing in a comb which teachers found threatening.

President Obama attempted to make it up to the boy by inviting him to visit the White House any time he wants, provided he wears some sort of hair net, and a message of solidarity was issued from the National Association for the Advancement of Bald People.

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by | September 21, 2015 · 6:55 am

“Sex with dead pig was a metaphor for my plan for UK society,” insists Cameron

Cameron in happier times, poised to spring

Cameron in happier times, poised to spring

After shocking revelations of bestiality again swept the government, David Cameron has insisted that the incident when he put his penis into the mouth of a dead pig was merely part of an explanation of his future plans for the UK.

The porcine molestation, which occurred at a dining club at Oxford University, has been seen by many as further proof that the Prime Minister is the sort of slimy lowlife who would literally fuck a pig, but a government spokesperson insisted the incident has been taken “out of context”.

“When the future PM inserted his ‘private organ’ into a dead pig’s mouth, he was only trying to demonstrate visually the beneficial effect of Conservative policies on the country,” the spokesperson explained. Continue reading →

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by | September 19, 2015 · 9:46 am

Tiger Woods out until 2016 after penis surgery

Toger in happier days, knocking one out at Augusta

Former world number one swinger Tiger Woods will not play around again this year after having emergency penis surgery.

The 39-year-old American, veteran of 14 major affairs, is hoping to return to playing the field in early 2016.

“This is certainly disappointing, but I’m a fighter,” Woods said in a statement on his website. “And a lover.”

The injury is believed to be due to a slightly misaligned shaft, possibly as a result of an overextended swing.

Doctors are confident that Woods will be back to his usual form in a few months, and sports manufacturers are already lining up to sponsor his equipment. It is likely that Toger will play at a members-only event at St. Andrews in May, where the infamous bunkers are certain to get his balls deep on the first hole.

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by | September 14, 2015 · 7:00 am

Bogus Labour voters decide f*ck it, we’re staying

CorbynCameron

Tricky… Tricky choice…

After realising that Jeremy Corbyn is the first politician since the dawn of time to not be a corrupt lying bastard, the hundred thousand Conservative supporters who paid £3 to vote for him have all decided he’s actually the best of a bad lot, and the’re going to stick around.

“I paid my money to vote Corbyn, thinking I was consigning Labour to electoral oblivion,” admitted Brian Refrew of Harold. “It all seemed to go really well, but having heard him talk just after reading an Iain Duncan Smith quote, I thought ‘fuck it, I’m on the wrong side’.”

Somewhat surprisingly, the Daily Telegraph, who ran a campaign to get readers to vote for Corbyn, has also come out in favour of the left-winger.

In a editorial entitled “Bugger us, it’s obvious now we think about it”, the paper has urged its readers to pay the extra money to become full Labour members, and has demanded better treatment of refugees “just because it’s the right thing to do, which surprises us as much as you, if we’re honest”.

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by | September 9, 2015 · 7:00 am

UK men in Syria drone death ‘were actually on EasyJet trip to Prague’

south_prague

A coach transfer to your hotel may be necessary

EasyJet has apologised after it emerged that the supposed UK militants killed by a drone attack  in Syria this week were merely on a stag do in the Czech Republic, and had just landed at the airline’s ‘South Prague’ airport, which happens to be near the Syrian/Lebanese border.

The rolling, once-fertile Hawran Plateau south of Damascus might seem a strange choice for those heading to Eastern Europe, but the airline was adamant that customers are well aware that some of the airports on its routes involve a coach transfer to their final destination.

“In this case, to reach downtown Prague from our airport of choice would involve a simple taxi or coach trip, followed by an arduous journey being smuggled into Europe by ruthless people smugglers,” explained an EasyJet spokesperson this morning. Continue reading →

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by | August 26, 2015 · 12:41 pm

Face of Donald Trump seen in pig’s anus

pig_butt_trump

Anus face (artist’s impression)

Following the mysterious appearance of Donald Trump’s image in a tub of butter, Republican campaigners were celebrating today after the face of the Presidential hopeful was miraculously seen to appear in the anus of “Ronald”, a Gloucestershire Old Spot from a farm near Stroud,

“This is a sign,” enthused one Trump supporter. “To gaze deeply into a pig’s backside and see the face of Donald – that doesn’t just happen. It means something.”

Following the good news, there was an immediate spate of copycat sightings, as pig owners the world over realised that their pigs’ anuses also bore a striking resemblance to the great man. Continue reading →

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