Police launch new ‘000’ phone number for people happy to be just left in ditch


Lovely, just leave me here, thanks.

Following a successful trial in Cambridgeshire yesterday where police left a motorcycle crash victim lying in a ditch for hours, the service is to be rolled out nationwide, it was announced today.

Inspired by the NHS non-emergency advice number 111, the new 000 service will allow the public to alert the police that something bad has happened, but that they are happy to be left in a ditch for a few hours if the police are too busy harassing Muslim school children and searching black teenagers.

Yesterday’s crash victim, managing a feeble wave from a police wheelbarrow after his eventual collection, said he was “thrilled” to be part of the successful trial.

“Everyone knows the police are busy tackling injustice round the clock,” he gasped, “So it really is only fair that I should have been left in a ditch. It was only a few broken bones, and there wasn’t that much water in there.”

Cambridgeshire’s Police and Crime Commissioner told reporters he was delighted with the trial, adding that “it was a scandal how quickly our officers have previously been responding to reports of people lying in ditches, when they could have been busy back at the station administering my generous Superannuation Plan.”

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