Author Archives: rickw

UK police to provide water cannon “get clean while-u-riot” service

Riot-U-Wash

Over here! Stubborn stain under the arm!

Chief constables are to press home secretary Theresa May to authorise the use of a powerful new water cannon  after London mayor Boris Johnson raised serious concerns about the smell of poor people rioting.

The Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo) says that “the likelihood of increased protests as austerity measures increase into the summer is certain to cause a ‘perfect storm’ of hotter days and unwashed protesters, leading to the atmosphere in central London becoming unbearable”.

The new cannon, a Ziegler Wasserwerfer 9000, can get through its 9,000 litres of water in just five minutes on ‘quick wash’, with the water kept at a constant 5C to “safeguard the health of protesters and protect delicate woollens.” Continue reading

Comments Off on UK police to provide water cannon “get clean while-u-riot” service

Filed under Law and Order

New driving test to include mental apeshit crazy drinking contest

reversing

Reversing round corners still a tricky manoeuvre

Following the opening of Wetherspoon’s pubs at all motorway service stations, the Driving Standards Agency has announced that the UK driving test will be changed to include a ‘lager and vodka shots’ drinking contest.

The driving test has changed format over the years, for example with the addition of vehicle safety questions and the Hazard Perception Test, but this is the first time that candidates will be penalised for not being hardcore enough to drink ten pints of Stella in thirty minutes. Continue reading

Comments Off on New driving test to include mental apeshit crazy drinking contest

Filed under Crime, News

Internet-connected fridge found watching porn, ordering pizza

scaryfridge

Oh God, not that!

Following reports of an internet-connected fridge being caught sending out spam emails, another fridge has been discovered taking advantage of its online capability by ordering takeaway pizza and watching pornography late into the night.

The device, an LG Chillmaster 4000, is one of the new generation of fridges which have access to the internet, although what this could be used for has not been clear until now.

Security firm Proofpoint were investigating a recent virus attack which has compromised media PCs and smart TV sets when they raided a private house in the UK village of Harold, expecting to find the hacker responsible. Instead, they burst in on the large silver fridge slumped in a corner of the kitchen, surrounded by empty beer bottles, doors akimbo and “acting in a threatening manner.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Internet-connected fridge found watching porn, ordering pizza

Filed under Crime, Food

National celebrations as England nearly win

englandwinners

We did it! Nearly!

The United Kingdom was united in joy today as the England cricket team nearly won a match against the Australians.

Little was expected of the brave England team at Brisbane’s Gabba ground today, but few could have expected them to achieve it so easily. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Sport

Ohio praised for finding inventive new ways to execute people

newmachine

High-texecution!

After running out of the usual drugs used in lethal injections, Ohio officials were forced this week to improvise the latest execution using nothing more than common kitchen ingredients and a large turkey baster.

Pharmaceutical companies have started to realise that their reputations can actually sink even lower, and have stopped supplying drugs used in executions. This has had the unfortunate effect of inconveniencing US states in a hurry to off criminals before they can appeal, with the result that officials are having to find ever more elaborate and inventive ways of killing their fellow citizens. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under International News, Law and Order

Can exercising for just two seconds a month transform your health?

fastexercise

After just two seconds a month, your head will turn into this charming timepiece

No, of course not.

It’s the most stupid idea ever, and will obviously do nothing more than persuade a generation of obese couchmongers that it’s OK to remain slumped on their fat arses doing little more than a half-hearted leg spasm once a month.

But I’ve got a book!

Or at least that’s what conventional wisdom would have you believe! But I’m the BBC’s Bob Mussolini, and I’m here to tell you all about the revolutionary quick-fix ‘fast exercise’ plan called High Intensity Training. This revolutionary quick-fix ‘fast exercise’ plan was launched recently in my book The Revolutionary Quick-Fix ‘Fast Exercise’ Plan for readers, and in the Daily Mail for everyone else, and has already virtually banished obesity from our shores.

Erection

Everyone agrees that getting more active will make you healthier and prolong your life. But exercise will also help you stop getting stuck in doorways, give you a fighting chance of achieving the occasional erection and reduce the risk of dementia, heart attacks, diabetes and dementia.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Can exercising for just two seconds a month transform your health?

Filed under Lifestyle, Sport

Daily Mail ‘outraged’ as one week on, no Romanians yet

arrivals

What, NONE? Not ONE?

One week on from the relaxation of Eastern Europe travel restrictions, the anticipated flood of Romanians and Bulgarians is so noticeably absent that Britain has gone from feeling relieved to being distinctly offended. Far from struggling to keep people out, it seems entirely possible that the foreigners have had a good look at the UK and decided: “bugger that”.

With arrivals halls empty in airports across the country, the Daily Mail has already run an outraged front page story headlined “WHAT’S WRONG WITH US YOU BASTARDS” and senior politicians are nervously enquiring whether their breath smells, or something. Continue reading

Comments Off on Daily Mail ‘outraged’ as one week on, no Romanians yet

Filed under Europe, Politics

Middle classes ‘will probably riot’ over higher school holiday Center Parcs prices

centerparcs

White-collar workers of the world unite!

Tensions were running at fever pitch in the streets of Wimbledon and Godalming last night as middle-class unrest over seasonally-inflated Center Parcs pricing threatened to escalate into a frenzy of Facebook posting and near-audible tutting.

This being the time of year when the reasonably financially comfortable let their thoughts stray towards summer leisure, nice families like us across the country were shocked to discover they faced the stark choice of taking their children out of school a week early or paying a bit more. Continue reading

Comments Off on Middle classes ‘will probably riot’ over higher school holiday Center Parcs prices

Filed under Lifestyle, Politics

Suicide bomber apologises for ‘insensitive’ Manchester United fancy dress costume

fancydress

On me head, son!

An Iraqi suicide bomber has apologised unreservedly for his “insensitive” decision to appear as a Manchester United player at a fancy dress party.

The anonymous Al-Qaeda fighter from Iraq’s western Anbar province wanted to make a humorous comment on the hopelessness of existence and the futility of life, and believed dressing up as a Man Utd player would be the perfect way to achieve this. Continue reading

Comments Off on Suicide bomber apologises for ‘insensitive’ Manchester United fancy dress costume

Filed under International News, Politics, Sport

David Cameron’s entire cabinet arrested under controversial new ‘anti-annoyance’ law

You're nicked, me old beauty

You’re nicked, me old beauty

Shortly before the House of Lords vetoed the new law which would criminalise “causing nuisance or annoyance to any person”, it emerged that the law has already been used once – to arrest David Cameron and all his government ministers.

The new law allows anyone to be arrested and sent to prison for doing anything annoying at all, and has drawn admiration from repressive dictatorships the world over, but few expected it to be used so quickly on such a high-profile victim.

Acting on a tip-off from a man in Hull, police swooped on Downing Street yesterday in ‘Operation Fuckknuckle’, quickly rounding up someone they described only as “A 47-year-old Prime Minister” and his gang of shady associates. Continue reading

4 Comments

Filed under Crime, Politics

USA demands to know: ‘Who the hell got Iraq into this mess?’

iraq

Tony Blair (right, in balaclava) spoke of the horrors of war

After reluctantly agreeing to the Iraqi government’s desperate plea for weapons to fight insurgents who are taking over the country, the United States has angrily demanded to know how the hell the country got into such a shitty state to begin with.

American surveillance drones and Hellfire missiles will shortly  be delivered  to help with the attack on the city of Fallujah, which has fallen to Islamic militants, but US Secretary of State John Kerry insisted this morning that the USA will not continue indefinitely  to clean up “other people’s messes”. Continue reading

Comments Off on USA demands to know: ‘Who the hell got Iraq into this mess?’

Filed under Defence, International News, Religion

Ashes tour was ‘great triumph, not shambles’ proclaims Michael Gove

Michael Gove school visit

Safe pair of hands at first slip

Fresh from his announcement that World War One was actually a masterpiece of military planning, Education Secretary Michael Gove has now claimed that the Ashes tour was a ‘triumph’ for the England team.

“Left-wing defeatist commentators are trying to spread the myth that the Ashes tour was some sort of shambles, with under-prepared men sent to certain disaster by an out-of-touch elite,” he snarled this morning. “But let me tell you that good historians, such as myself, see the hostilities as necessary, and a price worth paying to show the Australians very clearly who’s the boss.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Ashes tour was ‘great triumph, not shambles’ proclaims Michael Gove

Filed under Politics, Sport

23 years after message in bottle, woman is finally arrested for littering

message-in-a-bottle

Lethal

A woman who threw a message in a bottle into the North Sea more than 20 years ago has finally been tracked down and arrested after it was discovered in the Netherlands.

Louise Darling, from the village of Harold, was 10 when she threw the note as she went on holiday on a ferry from Hull to Belgium on 12 September 1990.

She thought nothing more of it, until this Christmas, when her house was cordoned off by hundreds of heavily-armoured riot police who dragged her handcuffed from the house under close surveillance from an elite team of army snipers.

Her letter, discovered by an elderly Dutch couple walking on the beach near the port of Vissershaven, had read: “Dear finder, my name is Louise. Please would you write to me, I would like it a lot.

“I am 10 years old and I like ballet, playing the flute and the piano. I have a hamster called Sparkle and a fish called Speckle.”

Ms Darling said she was surprised not just at how far the message had travelled, but also at being arrested under anti-terrorist legislation and detained without charge waiting for rendition to a compliant Eastern-European nation with lax human rights.

Trevor Pearce, Director-General of the Serious Organised Crime Agency, issued a statement congratulating officers for their courage and tenacity in an operation which has lasted two decades.

“These are the sort of bastards we’re out to get,” he explained. “Scum like this think they can launch attacks on the fabric of our society, but they won’t get away with it. This bottle could have contained a fast-acting deadly nerve gas rendering the whole North Sea toxic.”

“It didn’t, but it could have done.”

Comments Off on 23 years after message in bottle, woman is finally arrested for littering

Filed under Law and Order, Lost and Found

David Cameron comes out as Bulgarian

David Cameron rearing sheep

In happier days, rearing sheep on the farm

In a move certain to shock the world of UK politics, Prime Minister David Cameron has taken advantage of the newly-relaxed EU work laws to announce that he is actually a Bulgarian immigrant named Binka Zhelyazkova. Cabinet insiders had long suspected that Cameron was of Eastern European extraction, but few realised that his privileged English background was totally faked and his family are in fact peasant otter farmers from the remote Targovishte Province.

‘Obviously until the law changed I couldn’t really admit to being a Bulgarian,’ the Prime Minister explained to journalists this morning. ‘It was very difficult to keep up the facade, the ‘фасада’ as we say in my country. Hopefully I can put this behind me now. And it’ll be a relief not to have to hide the otters.’ Continue reading

Comments Off on David Cameron comes out as Bulgarian

Filed under Farming, Politics

Strong demand for new ‘Help to Buy’ train ticket scheme

golden_ticket

It’s a Super Off-Peak!

Almost 750 train tickets have been bought via the Help to Buy train ticket guarantee scheme, the government has said.

The UK-wide initiative, which started in October, lets people buy single and return train tickets with a deposit as small as 5% of the total crippling cost, with the remainder of the loan backed by the taxpayer in case the traveller defaults or oversleeps.

Liberal Democrat Vince Cable recently said the scheme should be reassessed in light of a “raging ticket price bubble” which has seen some popular fares increase by 500% every few days, but Prime Minister David Cameron maintained that it is preventing people from being frozen out of the train ticket market. Continue reading

3 Comments

Filed under Economy, Travel

DJ creates ‘perfect New Year’s Eve song’ by mixing music from Cliff Richard’s ‘Millennium Prayer’ with ‘Auld Lang Syne’ poem lyrics

auld-lang-syne

After me, everyone! ‘We’re all going on a Summer holiday…’

Just in time for tonight’s celebrations, an amateur DJ from the village of Harold has unveiled what people are already calling the ‘perfect New Year’s Eve song’, by mixing up the melody from Cliff Richard’s popular classic The Millennium Prayer with the words from obscure  poem Auld Lang Syne by little-known Scottish poet Robert Burns.

‘It was one of those things that just click,’ explained 46-year-old R. M. Renfield. ‘I was listening to the Cliff song – what a classic – and I just thought, great though these lyrics are, let’s think the unthinkable and see what it sounds like without them. Now, this is going to sound hard to believe, but I had a recording of someone reciting this old Scottish poem, Auld Lang Syne, it’s called, I think that’s Gaelic, and I had this sudden inspiration – why not mix them up? And my God, it sounded good, they could have been made for each other!’ Continue reading

Comments Off on DJ creates ‘perfect New Year’s Eve song’ by mixing music from Cliff Richard’s ‘Millennium Prayer’ with ‘Auld Lang Syne’ poem lyrics

Filed under Around Harold, Christmas, Crime, Culture

Local man still confident of completing all 2016 New Year resolutions if he starts now

todo2016Harold resident Gavin Barker spoke to journalists this morning of his confidence that even though only a single day remains in 2016, he will still manage to achieve his perhaps optimistic set of resolutions from last New Year’s Eve.

In a wildly over-ambitious resolution frenzy as 2015 drew to a close, Mr Barker’s long list of commitments for 2016 included learning Spanish, losing four stone in weight and getting a novel published. Having started none of these with only hours remaining, his wife and friends have expressed scepticism that he will manage to get through the list. ‘I’m starting a bit late, it’s true’, Barker admitted, ‘But with a reasonably aggressive timetable today I should be able to knock all these off.’ Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Around Harold, Christmas

Alan Turing gets royal pardon, Russia immediately issues arrest warrant

putinrod

Happiest with a rod in his hand

Following WW2 codebreaker Alan Turing’s long-awaited royal pardon, Russian President Vladimir Putin has immediately issued a warrant for his arrest.

Computer pioneer Turing was convicted for homosexuality in 1952, and was punished by being chemically castrated. Although Gordon Brown issued an official apology in 2009, calling Turing’s treatment ‘appalling’, it has taken until now for a full pardon to be issued.

On hearing the news, Putin convened a hasty press conference where he announced that Russian police were already watching the borders to prevent Turing from coming to their country and ‘spreading the gayness’. ‘Russia has no homosexuals,’ he revealed, ‘Not one. And we’re not going to start now. If he comes here, I’ll have him.’

When it was pointed out that Turing died in 1954 from cyanide poisoning, Putin was unrepentant, insisting: ‘That’s just the sort of trick these gayers will try. Well, we’re not going to fall for it – you won’t catch me with my trousers down.’

Most countries now look back in shame at how they used to treat homosexuals, but under Putin Russia has developed the sort of rabid homophobia usually only associated with those trying desperately to hide something very very deep. Many have asked why Russia should be so anxious to be seen to be anti-gay, but no-one has managed to work out the President’s motives for this hard line.

Putin, known for his unusual hobbies such as naked bear wrestling, is a black belt in Judo and frequently spends whole evenings taking on all comers on the mat, tossing an endless stream of men over his shaved head.

2 Comments

Filed under Uncategorized

Tottenham ‘were bad in a past life’ explains Glenn Hoddle

hoddlewaddle

Consulting new spirit guide ‘Chree-Shwa-Dell’ (check this)

Former Tottenham playmaker and mystic Glenn Hoddle has controversially claimed that the reason for the side’s current lack of footballing health can be explained by the bad form of the club in its previous incarnations.

In remarks certain to infuriate many, the ex-Spur insisted to journalists today that the principles of “soccarma” meant that the previous decades of poor performance have had the effect of condemning the current generation of players to the limbo of mid-table obscurity. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Religion, Sport, Vikings

England cricket team put down by Perth vet

dead cricketer

Had a good innings – just not recently…

Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances,  the England cricket team was finally put out of its misery today by a sympathetic Perth veterinary surgeon.

Like a horse with a broken leg, a blind dog or a really crap cricket team, spirit broken and body reduced to a wheezing shell, England had been reluctantly hobbling blindly onward under the whip of public opinion. By the end the team were little more than things of amusement for the howling cruelty of the Australian crowds and David Warner. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Farming, Health, Sport