Monthly Archives: April 2014

Nick Clegg loses argument with McDonald’s drive-thru assistant

cleggthru

Clegg was unsure whether to appeal to the left or to the right.

Nick Clegg faced further humiliation this morning, after losing a conversation with a girl working in McDonalds.

Clegg, who revealed he eats cheap meat for comfort if people are mean to him, was left looking ‘out of touch, out of ideas and out of onion rings’ by the ordeal.

Nikki Hampton works at the fast food outlet to pay her way through her degree. Responsible for mumbling the names of burgers and then sniggering as people smash their door mirrors against her booth, she was more than a match for Britain’s deputy PM.

“I knew it was someone pretending to be important by the length of their limo”, said Hampton. “And true enough, when the blackened rear window dropped there was just this sad, little boy-man staring out. When he squeaked ‘a whopper please’, I knew that I’d got him on the ropes. He was literally in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
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Toxic pollution warning ahead of tonight’s debate

man in fog

Clegg is ‘almost certain’ his voter is still out there

Environment department Defra has said ‘very high’ levels of pollution, not seen in the UK since the evening of 26th March, would spread inexorably over the whole country today, from an epicentre near to the BBC’s Television Centre, shortly after 1900 hours BST.

“Those with blood pressure or heart disease or of a nervous disposition are urged to avoid watching any TV from 7 o’clock this evening.” said a Defra spokesperson. “BBC2 viewers will be most at risk but the damage will certainly spread onto news and current affairs programmes across all networks. Make it 6.30 to be on the safe side.” Continue reading

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Welsh Assembly accidentally bans electronics from all public spaces

amstrad

Electronics ban could set Wales back ‘weeks’

There was embarrassment in the Welsh Assembly last night, after MPs accidentally voted to ban electronics from all public spaces.

The motion had been intended to tackle e-cigs, or ‘electronic cigarettes’ that act as a tobacco replacement. But with no word for ‘e-cig’ in the Welsh language, what they actually voted for was a ban on 21st Century technology.

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Filed under Politics, Technology

‘Shocking’ price of England shirts forces squad to play in ‘skins’

shirtless

Not struggling with a shirt will give Rooney more time to focus on his shoelaces.

England’s football team has reacted angrily to the £90 price tag on their shirts, and are threatening to appear at the World Cup in ‘skins’.

With money tight for the average Premiership footballer, many in the squad feel they have no choice but to play topless in Brazil later this year.

Star striker Wayner Rooney wasn’t impressed with the new design. ‘They’ve not even spelled ‘England’ right on mine, but the teacher has still given it a gold star’ said a clearly angry Wayne.

Roy Hodgson later pointed out to him that it actually said ‘Rooney’. ‘I knowed that’ said the player. ‘Am we playing for Rooney now?’
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Filed under Business, Sport

Climate change refugees flee Somerset for Atlantis

atlantis

RUINED: Incomers have created ‘mouth breather ghettos’

The City of Atlantis is struggling to cope with the sheer number of ‘climate change refugees’ pouring in from the West Country.

Once a quiet, moist metropolis with a bouyant economy, Atlantis now resembles ‘something from a Wurzels video’, according to one resident.

“They come down here with their rough cider, their red neckerchiefs and their lungs, and expect us to provide them with air”, claimed merlady Floella Kelp. “I wouldn’t mind, but some of them have brought accordians and leave sticky lumps of Stinking Bishop all over the place. I’m all for multi-culturalism but there has to be a limit.”
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Filed under Culture, environment, News, Weather

Rail Company says new night time suicide train will prevent daytime delays

The 01:45 to Oblivion

The 01:45 to Oblivion

Plagued by disruptive delays caused by frequent suicides, Network Rail has announced plans to run an after-hours railway service dedicated to the needs of those who wish to take their own lives by jumping under a train.

Already dubbed by railway workers as the Ghost Train, the new skeleton service will run at night once timetabled services have finished for the day. Operating companies are hoping that would-be suicides will take advantage of this initiative saving commuters of many hours of inconvenience whilst the emergency services attend to the consequence of a member of public choosing to terminate themselves at a busy railway station. Continue reading

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Are you getting 7 a day? Take our quiz and find out!

pak choiThe government is recommending that we all eat 7 portions of fruit and veg a day. Are you consuming a sufficiently large volume of plant matter?

Q1: It is the middle of the night. You wake up feeling hungry. Do you:
a: Reach under the bed and whip out a ‘night banana’.
b: Pop downstairs and make a snack from an orange preserve and two slices of bread.
c: Tear the arm off a large Marine and eat it up in one gulp.
d: Transfer a portion of pulped grass from your first stomach to your second.

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Filed under Around Harold, Health, Lifestyle

Police force admit ‘ant terrorism’ initiative result of typing error

Possibly planning acts of terrorism, but probably not.

Possibly planning acts of terrorism, but probably not.

The Harold police force has admitted that a recent focus on ant terrorism was “almost certainly” a result of a typing error, with the number of arrests still standing at zero after more than six months of hard work.

“I went to a regional conference on policing in Luton and there was a lot going on so I struggled to keep up but made the best notes I could.” explained an embarrassed PC Flegg, “There was a whole section on anti-terrorism techniques, but it would appear that when I came to type up my notes I missed the i off anti.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Law and Order, News