Monthly Archives: July 2013

Top Tips for the perfect summer BBQ

Food & Drink with Miles Anour

Put some bang into your bangers

Put some bang into your bangers

I was invited to a BBQ recently. The text specified that I should bring my own food, drink, something to sit on etc. Rather than being invited to a party, it seemed that I had to bring my own party with me. In fact, I had to take everything other than a roll of turf to sit on.

A special barbeque doesn’t happen by accident. Hosting the perfect barbeque carries serious responsibilities. Here are my top tips on how to put on the BBQ that everyone will relish.

Food
If you’re expecting me to give you some poncy recipe with Maldivian pesto and pomegranate seeks then you’re going to be disappointed. My message is keep it simple. Any shortcomings in the quality of the food you provide can be covered up by ensuring that the booze keeps flowing. Continue reading

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Filed under Culture, Lifestyle

UK men desperately trying to come up with plausible excuse for unblocking porn

Computer-pornDavid Cameron’s expected announcement that all UK internet providers will block access to pornography has sparked a panic amongst men across the country, all trying to come up with a genuine-sounding reason for asking for it to be unblocked.

Any new customers will automatically have family-friendly filters enabled and existing customers will be contacted and asked to decide whether to activate filters or not.
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Filed under Around Harold, Technology

Newsagent reports surge in demand for Aussie sports papers

Watson

Ha. Haha. Hahahahahaha.

A newsagents in Harold has reported a 200-fold increase in orders for antipodean newspapers with miserable-looking sports failures on the front.

Before Thursday, Derek Evans rarely sold a copy of the Sydney Sports Echo, and Oz Cricket Monthly had been banned by the council. But following England’s success in cricket, bicycles and Wimbledon, owning such a periodical is now virtually compulsory.

“This is a good one”, said Evans, holding up a copy of the Wollagaloo Sporting Gazette. “You can see some phlegm on Watson’s face, where Clarke has been shouting ‘you have my full support’ at it.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Sport

Prince Charles discusses impending grandfatherhood with best friend

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by | July 21, 2013 · 5:44 pm

Village Tesco cashiers beg to be allowed to stop asking customers how they are

If your partner can't be arsed to listen to you, why should she?

If your partner can’t be arsed to listen to you, why should she?

Cashiers at the Harold branch of Tesco Express are begging their manager to put an end to the practise that sees them forced to ask every single customer how they are.

“It’s horrible,” said one shell-shocked worker who asked to remain anonymous. “Everyone knows that when someone behind a till asks you that question you either ignore it or grunt out a one-word answer but not here. I don’t know what’s wrong with everyone, except I do, and in the most harrowing detail.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Business

Harold remembers Mel Smith

Smith was COUS: a comedian of unusual skill

Smith was a COUS: a comedian of unusual skill

Although his connection with Harold is tenuous – he once popped into The Squirrel Lickers for directions and then popped back in half an hour later even more lost due to Eddie’s eccentric interpretation of such concepts as left and right – villagers are today remembering with fondness the comedian, writer and director Mel Smith who has died aged sixty. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Showbusiness

Shock as Kate admits faking pregnancy to cover weight gain

Kate models her pillow

Kate models her pillow

The world is in shock as the Duchess of Cambridge admitted faking her pregnancy as a cover for weight gained from eating a couple of cream cakes too many nine months ago. The admission came shortly after a major betting plunge on the sex of the royal baby, with “pillow” replacing “girl” as hot favourite.

A tearful Kate said that the constant media pressure about producing an heir had got too much for her, and when journalists quizzed her about being pregnant after she had put on a couple of pounds, she thought it was simplest to just agree.
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Filed under News, Royals

Village issues Level 3 street party warning

carnival

Mardi Gras or Mardy Bum?

Villagers in Harold are being asked to keep an eye on vulnerable neighbours who might be tempted to carnival in sweltering temperatures.

With the mercury rising and the sun beating down, some members of the community could be tempted to make the most of the weather. But Councillor Ron Ronsson warned against such infuriatingly continental behaviour, and urged residents to maintain a stiff upper lip.

“The elderly and the young are at the greatest risk of making the most of this weather”, insisted Ronsson. “Because the rest of us are stuck working in the office. But while al fresco dining and lively music might seem a good idea at first, I’ve got one word for you all: ‘wasps’.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture

Bruce Willis and team of mavericks ‘going in there to get that royal baby out’

going_in

We’re going in…

The nail-biting wait for the Duchess of Cambridge’s baby has proven too much for a a rag-tag bunch of mavericks, who have sworn to “go in there and get that damn baby out, or die in the attempt”.

Bruce Willis, Liam Neeson and Sylvester Stallone announced at a press conference this morning that they “were not prepared to sit here doing nothing any longer”, and are therefore planning an immediate raid into the inner depths of the royal womb to get the baby out, “whatever it takes”.

“Don’t try and stop us,” insisted Willis to horrified journalists, “We’re going in. And we don’t care how messy it gets. Yippee-ki-yay, Mother.”

Medical experts insisting that the pregnancy should be allowed to run its natural course were dismissed as “typical commie liberal do-nothing handwringers” by Willis, who pointed out that this was exactly the kind of nay-saying objection he experienced before his mission against a gigantic asteroid in the movie Armageddon.

Stallone was just as quick to overrule any suggestion that it might be tricky for three beefy men to gain entrance to Kate’s vagina, not least when tooled up with the impressive array of ropes, spotlights and specialist diving equipment they are planning to use.

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Filed under Lost and Found, Medicine, Royals, Sex, Travel

Museum employee retires after 48 years being ‘the eyes that follow you around a room’

paintingAfter 48 years of loyal service, Alan ‘Beady’ Bladon has decided to retire from his position at Harold’s museum. Since joining the organisation in 1965, Alan has been the eyes in a painting that follow you around the room.

“Harold museum was struggling n the ’60s when I joined, so we had to look at different ways of bringing in visitors” Mr Bladon told us. “We quickly realised that all the best museums have a painting where the eyes follow you wherever you go.

“After having our £5.30 bid for the Mona Lisa turned down, we were left with no such portrait so opted to cut holes in an existing piece and have me look through it with my eyes following people.”

Visitors to the museum have described the painting as odd, creepy and even perverse. Since taking up his position in the piece, people have claimed the eyes have followed them around, have started winking at them, and in 1983 an outbreak of conjunctivitis was even blamed on Mr Bladon’s then pink eyes.

Describing her experience, regular chin-stroking art enthusiast and owner of ‘Sally’z Cutz’, Sally Lloyd said “I always got the strange feeling I was being watched when I was in the same room as the painting.

“However, it got weirder the closer I got. Every time I leant in to see the finer details of a picture, the eyes’ gaze seemed to move from my eyes to staring down my top.”

The museum has told us they are now looking for a replacement set of staring eyes, but admit despite having hundreds of applications, the position is proving hard to fill. “All of the applicants so far have the skills needed to look at people all day, but our insistence on a criminal records check has set us back.”

Click here to see the full picture – ‘Cats’ Eyes In A Field’.

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Filed under Art, Culture

Royal baby update – St Mary’s Hospital paint nearly dry

After the paint dried, most of the press went home

After the paint dried, most of the press went home

Reporters staking out St Mary’s Hospital, where Princess Kate is soon to give birth, say that the sprucing up of the hospital has been a success and the paint has almost finished drying.

Evening Harold reporter Gavin Smith said after two days camped outside St Mary’s, the general feeling amongst the assembled press was that waiting for the Royal baby was like watching paint dry. But that was until they noticed some paint actually drying.
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Filed under News, Royals

Exclusive royal baby update; nothing’s happened

After tests, we can confirm that the tumble weed is not related to the royal family.

After tests, we can confirm that the tumble weed is not related to the royal family.

After a nine month wait, newspapers, television news, internet sites all over the world and now the Evening Harold can confirm that nothing has happened in the royal baby story.

“There was a lady who pulled up in what we believe was a car, and made her way into the maternity ward” our reporter for the Evening Harold at the hospital said. “She was large, screaming and out of breath. Early reports suggest she was pregnant but not the Duchess of Cambridge.”

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Filed under International News, News, Royals

Goat castrator opens new branch of ‘Wether Spoons’

wether spoon

Wether spoons traditionally used to remove a goat’s plums

A supplier of farmyard castration equipment is opening a ‘Wether Spoons’ in the high street of Harold – but lawyers for a similarly named chain of pubs have complained, claiming they don’t want to be associated with the cutlery used for removing goat testes.

“It’s ridiculous”, claimed Brian Thorvald, a keen amateur castrator. “We sell special sharp spoons that make it easy to whip out a billy-goat’s plums. Once de-balled, the goat is technically known as a ‘wether’, as any fool knows. So what else could you possibly call our business?”

Wether Spoons hopes to launch a whole chain of shops selling sweetbread removers, and this first one will be known as ‘The Moons Under the Bridge’. But Sarah Kildare, a lawyer representing the pub chain, thinks Thorvald is deliberately yanking their chain.
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Filed under Business, Economy

The Sun launch their ‘unique and unrivalled’ royal baby coverage

Fake Sheikh Midwife

Young royals warned not to sheikh the baby

Following today’s launch of ‘The Sun’s royal baby monitor’, a live camera feed from outside St Mary’s Hospital, the News Group (formally News International) paper has announced how they are going to use their unique reporting methods to bring unrivalled access to the royal birth.

“Great reporters, amazing technology, and dubious moral values mean we can bring you the royal birth from the first contraction right through to long lens picture of the royal baby’s first suckle” editor David Dinsmore told readers. Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News, Politics, Royals

Police replace ‘Stop and Search’ with ‘Tap and Tickle’.

police riotFollowing successful trials by Harold’s Police Force, the rest of the UK’s police forces have agreed to replace their ‘Stop and Search’ policy with the forward thinking ‘Tap and Tickle’. The new method uses a mixture of a surprising tap on the shoulder, followed by a lengthy tickle to extract information about crime.

“I initially came up with the idea after I tickled my daughter to the point where she surrendered the remote control”, PC Flegg, the officer responsible for the new ‘non-violent’ approach told the launch press conference. Continue reading

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Filed under News

Tech-savvy toddlers ‘falling over themselves’ for BBC’s 3D-eebies

cbeebies 3d copyBritain’s toddlers and babies are making a beeline for the latest ‘must have’ home entertainment craze, following successful trials of the BBC’s new 3D children’s channel.

3D-eebies is available through Freeview, and promises to revolutionise the way children gawp at brightly coloured idiots. But some parents claim that a fully immersive world with undue focus on rainbows could create yet another generation of teenagers who are bored by reality. Continue reading

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Filed under Lifestyle, News, Technology, Uncategorized

Fans delighted to be part of JK Rowling’s ‘secret’ bar tab

rowling

Rowling ‘inspired’ by legendary top shelf.

Regulars at a local pub have insisted they have ‘nothing but praise’ for a secret bar tab set up by author JK Rowling. The tab, which runs to some 20 or so pages, reveals a lot about what the woman puts into herself and what she left behind noisily by the bins.

Eddie, landlord at the Squirrel Licker’s Arms, is normally reluctant to offer credit. But with only one good eye and a foul murky fug obscuring the Snug, he’d assumed the stranger sat in front of him was Helen Mirren.

“Even the Salvation Army woman in Harold is a borderline alcoholic, so I’m used to watching people putting a few away”, said Eddie. “But when she knocked back her 15th pint of ‘Butterbeer’, which was basically Vermouth, Lurpak and Baileys, I knew there was something magical about her.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy

World’s Oldest Calendar ‘probably from Woolworths’

calendarExperts believe they’ve found the origin of an ancient calendar, after deciphering a price tag on the back.

Villager Gill Gates discovered the calendar buried amongst ritual items, in a box marked ‘Christmas’ in her loft.

“When I dusted this fascinating object down, I realised I was looking at one of the earliest methods of recording time”, said Gates. “It even predates the controversial one my grandfather kept in his kitchen; the one with an image of a tennis girl, idly scratching at her arse.”

At first, Gates believed the calendar was from late Plastocenic period: a simpler time when the tv channels didn’t broadcast during the day. “It could have been carved from materials at hand, and then decorated using poster paints”, suggested Gates. “It’s just the sort of thing that could have been knocked up in a shed.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Art, News

Statue critics point out that Freddie Mercury ‘never admitted he was a gorilla’

freddie

Never admitted gorilla tendencies

As the city of Norwich celebrates the new statue of the Freddie Mercury gorilla, some critics are pointing out that it is ironic to celebrate the singer’s gorillaness now, when he never publically admitted it in his lifetime.

Gorilla rights campaigner Peter Tatchell of “OookRage!” is disappointed that years after his untimely death, the singer is now being seen as a major gorilla icon.
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Filed under Art, Badgers, Showbusiness

US Marines invade Snowdonia National Park

He won't last five minutes in Porthmadog come closing time

He won’t last five minutes in Porthmadog come closing time

In a surprise move last night the 1st Battalion 6th Marines launched a full scale assault on Snowdonia involving the setting up of a beachhead on the coast roughly three miles south of Llandwrog for the landing of additional troops.

Official sources were initially alerted when locals reported seeing bright lights in the sky. These were quickly followed by more reports of shouting and shots being fired. Helen Brice, 54, who had been out walking her dog told us. “It was all very exciting. One minute it was just me and Bingo the next I was surrounded by all these soldiers. They were shouting at me and demanding to know where the traitor was. It was scary but one of them sounded just like Morgan Freeman so I quickly calmed down due to his incredibly soothing voice.” Continue reading

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Filed under International News, News, Politics