Tag Archives: Tories

56% to vote Womble at next election: shock poll reveals

They’ll be the best looking Cabinet since Lord Salisbury’s stone cold foxes of 1895

Theresa May’s vision of it always being Tories but never Christmas has been dealt a stunning blow as a new poll revealed that fifty-six percent of voters are planning on voting Womble in 2020. Many of those polled cited the Wombles’ ability to clean up Wimbledon Common and make good use of the things that they find without messing it up, going massively over-budget, selling most of it to overseas shell companies or employing George Osborne as especially appealing. Continue reading

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Everyone now agreed that capitalism is a bit bollocks

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Alright, maybe not everyone

As shops close, the cost of living goes up and George Osborne stands like the captain of the Titanic bellowing at passers-by ‘There is no iceberg, stop panicking about nothing. My steady hand is on the wheel’, people are realising that there’s a high chance capitalism has gone utterly bobbins. Continue reading

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Public beg Tories to stop wearing Hi Vis vests

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We’d feel less patronised if they wore robes and laurel wreaths

The UK has united to plead with the government to stop arsing around in Hi Vis vests and pointing at things.

“It’s just horrible,” said local mechanic Sean Pavey. “They look far too excited doing it because for them it’s literally playing fancy dress, isn’t it? George Osborne in particular gives off a horrible whiff of ‘Cor, I’m being one of the lads’ before cutting training and apprenticeships so real lads, and girls, have less and less of a chance of actually doing the jobs that require safety clothes.” Continue reading

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New Scottish thesaurus has 422 words for Tories

Why is there only one word for 'thesaurus'?

Why is there only one word for ‘thesaurus’?

A new Scottish thesaurus which lists 422 words for members of the Conservative party, is facing a ban under the obscene publications act.

With words ranging from ‘bawbag’ to ‘jobby’, and dozens of ruder ones in between, the Scots have one more word for ‘twazzocks’ than they do for snow. And 421 more than they have Tory MPs.

Author Tristan Hemlock carried out much of his research in a Glasgow pub, and very shortly afterwards, a nearby infirmary.

“I sat down at the bar, and asked politely if any of the locals had a good word for the Tories”, explained Hemlock.

“The response was tremendous, I was met with a bewildering wall of abuse. Fortunately, I managed to write most of it down.”
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‘They’ll take it out on someone’: badgers fear attack from government denied chance to twat foxes

Eurasian Badger Relaxing

This one’s so scared it’s forgotten how to badger

Badgers across England are today living in fear of becoming the victims of a reprisal attack from a government which reacts to the word ‘no’ about as well as a spoilt toddler who’s just asked for more sweets.

“Fair play to the foxes,” said Furry Rita, spokesbadger for the Harold Wood colony, “we’re glad it’s worked out for them but now the Tories’ll be looking to save face and viciously off something else. They’ll take it out on someone and their traditional prey, miners, seems to have gone extinct.” Continue reading

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“Screw you foxes!” Badgers delighted to move down a place on Tory hit list

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This is what a badger that’s laughing so hard it can’t get up looks like. So now you know.

Badgers across the UK are today dealing with fierce hangovers having spent all weekend celebrating David Cameron’s pledge to repeal the ban on fox hunting.

“It’s not that we hate foxes,” explained Furry Rita, one of the leaders of Harold’s badger community. “It’s more we’re loving not being Tory enemy number one any more. Claws-crossed they’ll even forget to send in the DEFRA death squads this year. Although do come if you fancy your chances, you shooty lowlife’s, we’ve got a surprise for you.” Continue reading

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Osborne guarantees Indian match-fixing costs

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More donations and votes? You do surprise me

On the first day of his visit to India, George Osborne has announced match-fixers in the sub-continent will soon be eligible for loans backed by the UK government.

“Gambling is one of the UK’s great success stories.” brayed the man born into a wealthy family with an hereditary peerage app; a roll-over winner in the lottery of life “So we’re opening up that market to friends in India, who have friends in the UK with donations to make and votes to sell.” Continue reading

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Tories take opinion poll lead: is cocaine in water supply erasing our memories?

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What over the last four years has proved that these men and their chums shouldn’t be running the country? We can’t quite recall.

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Tory Party’s integrity found buried in New Mexico landfill

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A landfill is a depressing image for a Sunday morning so here’s an entirely unrelated picture of somewhere beautiful. We’re not sure where this is but judging by the presence of a mountain we think it’s North Wales.

The Tory party’s integrity has been discovered in a landfill in New Mexico. Long believed to be an urban legend excavators were surprised to find it buried under thousands of tonnes of rubbish. Continue reading

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Let’s talk about sex, Tories: disenchanted voters pine for good old-fashioned sleaze

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The Conservative Party logo during the Major years

Disenchanted voters have been complaining about the lack of sex scandals within the current Tory party.

“It’s disappointing,” complained Harold support worker Mark Keen. “This lot are so into telling us all how to live and going on about family this and decent, honest people that that by now you’d’ve thought at least half of them would’ve been caught trousers down or skirt up in a petting zoo.”

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Boris’ plan to remove radicalised children backfires as Eton’s raided

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Boris Johnson’s plans to have radicalised children removed from their home seems to have backfired when social workers began taking children out of his old school, Eton.

The Mayor of London said the idea was to try to rehabilitate people that have been brainwashed into thinking they are somehow better than everyone else, and were likely to try and harm others in later years.

“As soon as we were made aware of the scheme we looked around the community to identify any radicalised children,” the head of social services in Windsor told us.
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Players of Tory Bingo get ready to call house

Number Four: Police knock at the door.

Number Four: Police knock at the door.

Excitement is building among players of Tory Bingo as more and more cases of sleaze and corruption hit the press meaning that the day one lucky contestant gets to call house can’t be very far away.

“Tory Bingo hasn’t been this thrilling since the early nineties,” said long-term player and Harold resident, Doris Kettle. “Back then we had so many scandals like the economy being brought to its knees by Norman Lamont and his young advisor David Cameron, the arms-to-Iraq scandal, cash-for-questions, Jonathan Aitken being convicted of perjury and-” Continue reading

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