As the government steers Brexit with all the skill of a cow attempting to land a Lockheed Martin F-35 Lighting II on the deck of a storm-tossed aircraft carrier at midnight it has decided to give police and prison officers more money. Continue reading
Tag Archives: Tories
Bored of slowly making life worse for everyone but themselves the government has decided to lighten the mood and ruin the country completely over the next few days in order to surprise Theresa May when she returns from Italy.
Anne Marie Morris, Conservative MP for Newton Abbot, has defended her actions after being caught dressing in a gollywog costume and singing a selection of Black and White Minstrels songs at an event while talking about Brexit.
Morris was appearing on a panel to talk about Brexit alongside Tory colleagues Bill Cash and John Redwood, who were dressed as the Indian one from It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, and Tonto, respectively.
Members of the public were shocked when five minutes into the discussion Morris whipped out a banjo and began singing ‘Mammy’. “I was shocked it took her that long,” explained one guest.
A Conservative source said that Theresa May was unaware of the remarks because she had been with the Australian Prime Minister laughing at Aboriginal people. A spokesperson for the PM insisted that Morris would not be expelled from the party, explaining that “racist Tory MPs all look the same to me”.
Shortly after realising she was in trouble, Morris made an effusive apology.
“It was completely unintentional, and I apologize unreservedly for any offence caused,” she explained, adding “Where am dat water melon?”
Andrea Leadsom, the leader of the Commons, has announced that the Queen’s speech will not take place next year. “Our top priority now is infighting,” she told journalists. “This will require a substantial amount of time and begin with knifing Theresa May in the back.” Continue reading
“As the polls tighten, we’ve raised our schadenfreude alert to ‘critical'” said a Westminster source. “The smiles getting wiped off the faces of Theresa May, Boris Johnson, and the rest of the Tories will be a serious test of our schadenfreude reserves, as will joy in the implosion of the Daily Mail.”
“But it’s the sheer unadulterated pleasure of seeing Tony Blair’s sad face as Jeremy Corbyn becomes PM that means we won’t just run out of schadenfreude, we’ll likely run out of schadenorgasm as well.”
Katharine Viner the editor of the Guardian, a former left of centre newspaper turned heavily moderated online identity politics forum, says that she’s proud of all the campaigning it’s doing for the Tories. Continue reading
Theresa May’s vision of it always being Tories but never Christmas has been dealt a stunning blow as a new poll revealed that fifty-six percent of voters are planning on voting Womble in 2020. Many of those polled cited the Wombles’ ability to clean up Wimbledon Common and make good use of the things that they find without messing it up, going massively over-budget, selling most of it to overseas shell companies or employing George Osborne as especially appealing. Continue reading
As shops close, the cost of living goes up and George Osborne stands like the captain of the Titanic bellowing at passers-by ‘There is no iceberg, stop panicking about nothing. My steady hand is on the wheel’, people are realising that there’s a high chance capitalism has gone utterly bobbins. Continue reading
The UK has united to plead with the government to stop arsing around in Hi Vis vests and pointing at things.
“It’s just horrible,” said local mechanic Sean Pavey. “They look far too excited doing it because for them it’s literally playing fancy dress, isn’t it? George Osborne in particular gives off a horrible whiff of ‘Cor, I’m being one of the lads’ before cutting training and apprenticeships so real lads, and girls, have less and less of a chance of actually doing the jobs that require safety clothes.” Continue reading
A new Scottish thesaurus which lists 422 words for members of the Conservative party, is facing a ban under the obscene publications act.
With words ranging from ‘bawbag’ to ‘jobby’, and dozens of ruder ones in between, the Scots have one more word for ‘twazzocks’ than they do for snow. And 421 more than they have Tory MPs.
Author Tristan Hemlock carried out much of his research in a Glasgow pub, and very shortly afterwards, a nearby infirmary.
“I sat down at the bar, and asked politely if any of the locals had a good word for the Tories”, explained Hemlock.
“The response was tremendous, I was met with a bewildering wall of abuse. Fortunately, I managed to write most of it down.”
Badgers across England are today living in fear of becoming the victims of a reprisal attack from a government which reacts to the word ‘no’ about as well as a spoilt toddler who’s just asked for more sweets.
“Fair play to the foxes,” said Furry Rita, spokesbadger for the Harold Wood colony, “we’re glad it’s worked out for them but now the Tories’ll be looking to save face and viciously off something else. They’ll take it out on someone and their traditional prey, miners, seems to have gone extinct.” Continue reading
Badgers across the UK are today dealing with fierce hangovers having spent all weekend celebrating David Cameron’s pledge to repeal the ban on fox hunting.
“It’s not that we hate foxes,” explained Furry Rita, one of the leaders of Harold’s badger community. “It’s more we’re loving not being Tory enemy number one any more. Claws-crossed they’ll even forget to send in the DEFRA death squads this year. Although do come if you fancy your chances, you shooty lowlife’s, we’ve got a surprise for you.” Continue reading
On the first day of his visit to India, George Osborne has announced match-fixers in the sub-continent will soon be eligible for loans backed by the UK government.
“Gambling is one of the UK’s great success stories.” brayed the man born into a wealthy family with an hereditary peerage app; a roll-over winner in the lottery of life “So we’re opening up that market to friends in India, who have friends in the UK with donations to make and votes to sell.” Continue reading
The Tory party’s integrity has been discovered in a landfill in New Mexico. Long believed to be an urban legend excavators were surprised to find it buried under thousands of tonnes of rubbish. Continue reading
Disenchanted voters have been complaining about the lack of sex scandals within the current Tory party.
“It’s disappointing,” complained Harold support worker Mark Keen. “This lot are so into telling us all how to live and going on about family this and decent, honest people that that by now you’d’ve thought at least half of them would’ve been caught trousers down or skirt up in a petting zoo.”
Boris Johnson’s plans to have radicalised children removed from their home seems to have backfired when social workers began taking children out of his old school, Eton.
The Mayor of London said the idea was to try to rehabilitate people that have been brainwashed into thinking they are somehow better than everyone else, and were likely to try and harm others in later years.
“As soon as we were made aware of the scheme we looked around the community to identify any radicalised children,” the head of social services in Windsor told us.
Excitement is building among players of Tory Bingo as more and more cases of sleaze and corruption hit the press meaning that the day one lucky contestant gets to call house can’t be very far away.
“Tory Bingo hasn’t been this thrilling since the early nineties,” said long-term player and Harold resident, Doris Kettle. “Back then we had so many scandals like the economy being brought to its knees by Norman Lamont and his young advisor David Cameron, the arms-to-Iraq scandal, cash-for-questions, Jonathan Aitken being convicted of perjury and-” Continue reading