The fist of history biffs Blair in the face
It seemed impossible but after only seven days of intensive talks at UN Geneva Headquarters there was unilateral agreement after both sides agreed that UN peace envoy, Tony Blair, should keep his nose out of the peace talks.
Waiting press were first alerted to the possibility of a surprise announcement when a UN aide hurried out the building, returning a few minutes later clutching a glasses and a magnum of champagne. This was enough to baffle seasoned observers, but when news leaked out that Tony Blair may have been at the centre of things, there was widespread disbelief that his involvement could have had such a positive effect.
UN mediator, Lakhdar Brahimi, explained how the historic breakthrough was achieved. Continue reading
Observers spot appallingly modified Range Rover near Wilmslow.
Cheshire has declared it has a ‘significant chemical weapon capability’ after winning an online auction for Syria’s old stock.
While its new deadly status is just beginning to sink in, the rogue county has already drawn up a series of demands and issued a statement of intent.
“These weapons will allow us to defend ourselves against anyone foolish enough to launch an attack”, claimed the northern territory.
“One more quip from Jeremy Clarkson about ‘onyx coffee tables’ or ‘Range Rooneys’ and we’ll have no option but to melt his big face.”
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Hackers have dramatically improved Skype, Microsoft has confirmed.
A group calling themselves the Syrian Electronic Army has claimed responsibility for the Enhancement of Service Attack (EoSA), which for a time left users able to make video calls without gnawing through their fists in frustration.
“The Syrian Electronic Army has struck a blow against Western Neo-Con Troubleshooters”, read a statement. “Once again, President Assad can speak to his loyal followers while showing us his genitals.”
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Charlie Chaplin was great, wasn’t he?
There was panic amongst Ukip supporters yesterday when party leader Nigel Farage called for Britain to allow entry to refugees fleeing the civil war in Syria. This is a massive deviation from their official foreign policy which is to build a huge wall around Great Britain and Northern Ireland and to only allow foreigners over it if they are very, very good at football, cooking or prostitution.
“Farage says he wants to let people in but we’re full!” frothed Ukip member Tom Simmonds about a place where only 6% of land is classified as urban and less than 3% is built on according to the UK National Ecosystem Assessment. “All the Syrians will come over here and claim benefits then sit on their arses all day while taking jobs from ordinary Britons plus they’ll live rough on our streets while being given houses the minute they arrive in preference over Anglo-Saxons whom the government make wait on housing lists for at least ten years.” Continue reading
Pope Francis has been named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year”, narrowly beating of competition from others on the short list, including Syrian president and alleged war criminal Bashir al-Assad.
The head of the Roman Catholic church has been praised for the way he has pulled “the papacy out of the palace and into the streets” before retreating back in to palace and having some if the finest possessions and food known to man, managing director Nancy Gibbs explained.
In his latest attempt to further undermine the west, Vladimir Putin has accused a British man of storing and using ‘chemical weapons’. The charge is laid at the door of television advert personality, and cleaning enthusiast Barry Scott.
The Russian leader alleges Cillit Bang products have a cleaning power that is only matched by sarin and other nerve agents. However the suggestion that ‘Lime and Grime’ can be used for kitchen, bathroom and ethnic cleansing have been strongly denied by Mr Scott.
Critics right – Diana movie will bomb
Spurred into action by Russia’s “small island” jibe, David Cameron announced that Britain will punish Syria for its gas attacks by dropping thousands of copies of the new Diana movie on regime strongholds.
Cameron said he considered using nuclear weapons, but decided that Assad’s sarin gas attack deserved a stronger response.
“Using a universally panned one star movie that the critics say is ‘tasteless’, ‘saccharine’, and ‘stomach-churning’ will show Assad that Britain means business – the streets of a Damascus will turn into a river of vomit” said Cameron.
With less than a week until a crucial debate and vote in the US congress over action in Syria, Senators and Congressmen are still awaiting for God to tell them his opinion.
Both sides of the argument have been praying hard to God, however He seem to be procrastinating over the monumental decision. If He has not spoken to them by Sunday, the vote may be put back.
After a tough week for David Cameron, he has now found himself being criticised in his own home. Samantha Cameron has thrown the prime minister out of their flat in Downing Street and told him to come back when he has grown up and stopped sulking.
The move from ‘Sam Cam’ follows a weekend of the prime minister ‘invading’ different parts of the apartment in a bid to appease his own conscience.
Any chance you could take the other two with you?
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Parliament will be recalled today to discuss the logistics of sending troops into Syria. With most of our soldiers in Afghanistan, in hospital or in the dole queue, MPs will discus the viability of sending in Air Cadets and Scouts.
Defence Secretary Philip Hammond said: “to do nothing would be immoral, but like a really crap game of risk we have run out of soldiers to send in.”
“Sending in Air Cadets and Scouts is our only hope, especially as I found out last night ‘Dad’s Army’ was fictional and not a fly-on-the-wall documentary.”
The decision will be taken today whether or not Nick Robinson should be recalled out of hibernation.
The BBC look set to make the decision at a time when journalists traditionally take time off.
This has left them with a shortage of reporters to camp out side the main news stories: No 10 to cover the political discussions around military action in Syria, and in Scotland covering the second biggest birth event if the year, a pregnant panda.
A BBC spokesman said: “at this time of year, political reporting types like Nick are placed in a cardboard box with hole in the top and filled with straw, enough food and a copy of Private Eye.”
“They are then placed in the new Blue Peter garden in Salford for a couple of months, before being transported back to London and awoken in a controlled environment around Central Lobby.”
Although this has been done before, the Royal Society for treating Political Correspondents like Animals (RSPCA) has warned unless done with care the early reawakening process could cause problems with their body clock.
“It has been known that they think they are in September already” one RSPCA officer told us.
“When Andrew Marr was recalled early to cover the invasion of Iraq, he spent the first few days reporting on a Queen’s Speech that had not yet been written.”
“The confusion between what his brain was expecting and what he was hearing caused long-term, irreversible damage to his ears.”
Amid allegations of chemical weapons being used against innocent civilians, the United Nations led by the UK and the US have put their foot down and told the rebels they need to find more oil before they can expect help.
In a league of global oil producers, Syria is currently 32nd, which puts them below the ‘red line’ that determines automatic help.
This position puts them below Australia, Norway and Iraq – whose 7th place gives them help against weapons of mass destruction, including the imaginary ones.
In a statement released by the UN following an emergency meeting, they said “arming the rebels is too dangerous at the moment as the weapons may get into the wrong hands. That is a risk we are not willing to take unless it means we can run our 4x4s and air conditioning for an additional 50 years.”
However, as in all international negotiations we are willing to move our position and step in to stop genocide. So instead of weapons we will be sending drills, and if they find more oil, we will be there to not only help the Syrian people, but also help ourselves.”
The question of training for the rebels to use the drills has been put forward after the preferred company, Cuadrilla, pulled out.
In a statement the company said “we would love to go and start drilling the proven oil-rich Middle East, but we cannot commit to any further projects until we have finished in the ‘gold mine’ that is Balcombe”.
When Mik Bulk met Assad (we think): For the in depth opinion piece, click these words.
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Assad also denied being involved in advertising
President Assad of Syria says images of entire towns reduced to rubble, thousands of murdered civilians and over a million refugees fleeing the country show “a playful tiff”.
“The pictures certainly look horrific but they give a far more drastic and violent impression of what took place than is really true.” claimed Mr Assad, “A couple of years ago I started to have an intense debate with sections of the Syrian population about the way that I was running the country.”
“What the pictures show is not my forces murdering defenceless civilians, but merely me attempting to emphasise my point that I’m doing a great job thank you very much.”
Leaders praised for either having the world’s best poker faces, or possessing no sense of irony
British Prime Minister, David Cameron and Russian President, Vladimir Putin have said although a meeting between the pair may have highlighted the ‘huge difference’ between their approaches to Syria, they both shared the same goal of ‘ending the killing’ in the country.
Mr Cameron, who was one of the loudest voices for ending the arms embargo on Syria, told the joint press conference that the situation could only be resolved through political and diplomatic means.
This was a view shared by his Russian counterpart. Mr Putin, who has armed the Syrian government with advance anti-aircraft missiles, believes getting all parties around the negotiating table was important. However the Russian did say that both the Syrian rebels and government force had ‘blood on their hands’, which may open the door for some lucrative cleaning product contracts. Continue reading
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