Tag Archives: Royal family

Shadowy Windsor family exposed in multi-generational benefit scam

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Brown envelopes seem more appropriate but Bacs transfer will have to do

Whilst her former flunkey, Ronald Harper begins a five-stretch, over a trifling £100K bung, 90 year-old Elizabeth Windsor has dodged prosecution again, despite pocketing that amount and more, weekly, for over sixty years.

Based on nothing more than Mrs Windsor popping out of the right vagina in the early 20th century, a web of her relatives, many of them German or Greek immigrants, has taken advantage of the UK’s generous social security system ever since. Continue reading

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Government proposal for total homeopathy ban ‘likely to end up very watered down’

One small drop for man, one giant leap for the National Debt.

One small drop for the NHS, one giant leap for the National Debt.

A Department of Health proposal to reclassify homeopathy as pure cuckoo and so exclude it from NHS spending has come under fire from the alternative therapies industry.

The Department of Health says that there is no scientific evidence to support homeopathy as an effective form of medical treatment and it must be removed entirely from NHS spending. But that is missing the whole point, says local alternative practitioner George Tredinnick.

“It’s a complete category error to want to apply scientific principles to homeopathy, which by its very nature relies on Belief in Magic,” he said. “Unfortunately, Government Ministers have not one tiny drop of imagination between them.”

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Filed under Culture, Drugs, Health, Medicine, News, Royals

Relapse-spike at Anna Freud Centre after seeing radiant Duchess (and her amazing hair)

kate

Left Twix or Righ Twix?

A relaxed and tanned Duchess of Cambridge has made her first solo official visit since the birth of Princess Charlotte in May.

Sporting a smart new fringe, the Duchess, 33, visited the Anna Freud Centre to learn how the charity is working to help young people with mental health issues.

“It really gave me something to think about, seeing someone so effortlessly beautiful Continue reading

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Prince Harry set to step down from Royal Family

So long and thanks for the drinks

So long and thanks for the drinks

Kensington Palace has confirmed Prince Harry will be leaving the Royal Family at the end of June.

A spokesman was keen to stress that the red headed action man was not being thrown out of the Family, saying, “It’s not so much he’s being kicked out of the Royal Family; more, he was never a member of the Family in the first place.”

Palace insiders admitted things had come to a head recently with the lack of any family resemblance becoming increasingly obvious as Prince William’s hair has decided to recede faster than a Sandringham hare at the sight of a royal gun. Continue reading

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The 50 most irritating people of 2014: The Top 20

Top 3This is it, the top 20 of our top 50 most irritating people of 2014.

Is that a drum roll we can hear in the distance, or perhaps a fanfare in honour of our No.1?

This list has been lovingly created after weeks of irritable evaluation. Several late bids have been made, but the standard this year is very high, so the person who shook their popcorn behind me continually at the cinema last night has still only reached No.72, just above the creators of Frozen. Continue reading

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Prince William set to open his house for homeless heroes at Christmas

Veteran John Horse samples the Royal lager collection.

Veteran John Horse samples the Royal lager collection.

Homeless charities have welcomed the news that the Duke of Cambridge is to provide shelter for servicemen and women who have fallen on hard times after serving their country in the armed forces.

Speaking yesterday in support of a newspaper appeal, Prince William, who himself served in the front line plucking stranded adventurers off the treacherous cliffs of Wales in his  helicopter, Budgie, said:

“I am so concerned about the number of heroes who have struggled to adapt to civilian life and wound up sleeping rough in our cities, that for once instead of just lecturing you, I’m actually going to do something myself and open the doors of my vast London home at Christmas to these wretched people. I’m going to feed them, clothe them and offer them trained support to help them get their lives back on track.” Continue reading

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Beavers fail to make money for government: sentenced to life imprisonment

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Beaver or waterfox?

DEFRA has announced that it is to capture and place in captivity a colony of beavers currently living wild in Devon.

“They said it’s cos we could be carrying a disease and that landscape and habitats have changed in the 1000 years we’ve been gone out of Devon so we could bugger the environment up,” Alex the Tooth, leader of the Devon beavers told us. “Yeah, that’s true cos us beavers are well known for intensive farming and fracking. Somebody stop us before we drain all the marshes and fail to dredge any riverbeds.”

“The Coalition want to destroy everything they can’t make a profit on but somehow we’re the diseased ones,” he said. “Now I know what the badgers are so hacked off about.”

Alex the Tooth blames his colony’s woes on hunting.

“Last time we were around we were hunted to extinction,” he said. “No one wants to do that anymore so no one in power gives a toss about us. But maybe hunting will be our salvation. If we all dress up as foxes then half the Cabinet and all the Royal Family will want to put on a red jacket and chase us. The ‘waterfox’ will be ruled an essential part of nature before you can say ‘oh look the Duke of Edinburgh’s given little Prince George a cuddly waterfox toy and a tiny gun’.”

If the waterfox plan fails Alex the Tooth told us that he and the rest of his colony had an even more extreme one in reserve.

“We’re British and have been for thousands of years. If we don’t get some fair treatment soon then we shall all start voting Ukip.”

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Chaos as Queen inadvertently reads UKIP speech handed to her by Prince Philip

Let them eat fruitcake

Let them eat fruitcake

There was uproar at Westminster this morning after the Queen read out a list of half-baked UKIP policies instead of the expected zombie speech from the Coalition Government.

There were murmurs in the Lords almost immediately as the Queen uttered the words “My Government will get out of Europe by teatime.” These turned to mutterings and looks of surprise as she announced the immediate closure of the Channel Ports and the Tunnel.

By the time she had announced that Scottish Independence would be encouraged by offering Ulster as a going away present to the “ungrateful bastards”, it was clear that something was amiss. Continue reading

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Queen won Prince Edward in a game of cards: fifteen facts about Her Majesty

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Modern Britain.

Elizabeth, Queen of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Head of the Commonwealth, Chatelaine of Cair Paravel, and Empress of the Lone Islands is today celebrating her 88th birthday. In honour of the occasion we present the top fifteen facts about her extraordinary life and reign. Continue reading

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Hands off your forelocks, feet in your socks: new report says Brits waste money and time overusing the word royal

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Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith. Or we could call her Granny Bling Hat.

In a controversial new report Harold academic Professor Julia Hogsburn is calling for the word royal to be banned from public life. In it she details how much money is spent each year by forelock tugging Brits insisting on writing royal in front of things. Continue reading

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Queen to save money and boost income by auctioning off Prince Charles

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Under increasing pressure to reduce costs and boost income into the royal household, the Queen and Prince Philip are rumoured to be considering auctioning off some of their assets, starting with Prince Charles.

“The idea came while the Queen was taking in her daily fix of Bargain Hunt,” her spokesman said.

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Tories call for UK to ‘reposition away from Europe’

yerp

Plan will also make The North more prosperous.

Nearly 100 Tory  MPs have written to David Cameron asking for the UK to be repositioned in relation to Europe. Provisional thinking is for the UK as a whole to be moved 100 – 150  miles North-West into the Atlantic.

“The exact distance is subject to trial and error of course ” said Senior Tory Bernard Jenkin, who drafted the letter,”much the same as our financial plans for when we leave the EU. So, let’s say … far enough that we can’t smell the garlic, close enough they can hear xenophobic hectoring with a loud-hailer. Perhaps about 100 miles as a starting point. As a bonus we can use what’s left of the Tunnel to drain all our excess rainwater over to France. It’s probably their fault that it’s been so wet recently anyway.” Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, Europe, International News, News, Politics

Events in North Korea see Prince Harry ‘nervous’ around nephew Prince George

Harry promises to stop playing billiards a with ginger balls

Harry promises to stop playing billiards a with ginger balls

With news coming out of North Korea that Kim Jong-un has had his military-based uncle executed for, amongst other things, womanising and drug taking, Prince Harry is reportedly seeking reassurance over the future temperament of Prince George.

Harry has previously admitted smoking cannabis and been pictured playing naked billiards in a Las Vegas hotel with women in a similar state of undress. Looking at events in North Korea, Harry is said to be ‘nervous’ about his own nephew’s reaction to his past behaviour.

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David Beckham set to reject knighthood as not posh enough for Victoria

The future Duke & Dutchess?

The future Duke & Duchess?

Although he is the bookies’ favourite for a top honour, David Beckham has revealed that he may reject a knighthood if it was offered to him on the grounds that his pouty wife, Victoria, feels that the “Lady” title has been devalued after being conferred upon Lady Gaga.

Speaking at the launch of ‘The Class of ‘92’, a film in which some stupidly rich footballers return to school to learn basic mathematics to enable them to count their vast millions, the best footballer ever admitted that his iconic designer wife had misgivings about becoming just plain Lady Beckham. Continue reading

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Police quiz immigrant family on parentage of ‘confused ginger man’

roma royals

Police claim there is no family resemblance whatsoever.

A travelling family which has traipsed around Europe for almost two hundred years is at the centre of yet another child abduction storm today. Police have taken into protective custody ‘a ginger man’, thought to be around 29 years of age and answering to the nickname ‘Harry’.

The family is said to have started out with the frankly unbelievable name of ‘Saxe-Coburg & Gotha’, but has repeatedly changed its name across various national boundaries in order to disguise itself.
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More over the top royal security as Charles held at gunpoint

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There has been more over the top royal security this morning at Balmoral, where Prince Charles has been held, at gunpoint, by Prince Philip.

The Prince of Wales found himself ambushed by his father during a leisurely walk through the royal estate. Describing the incident, Philip explained the moment he pointed his hunting rifle at the first heir to the throne.

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Royal baby boy is born: Duchess of Cambridge gives birth amid doping allegations.

Kate may be stripped of the 'Royal Heir Makers' yellow jersey

Kate may be stripped of the ‘Royal Heir Makers’ yellow jersey

Buckingham Palace have confirmed that the Duchess of Cambridge has given birth to a baby boy. However, the validity of her labour, and subsequently the baby’s claim to be third in line to the throne have been called into question after initial indications show Kate has failed a doping test.

“We are still waiting for the results from a ‘B’ sample to come back from the lab, but we are sure she gave birth under the influence of pain killers, nitrous oxide and other ‘performance enhancing drugs’” a spokesman for the World Anti-Doping Agency told reporters.

“If the tests are confirmed, she will be stripped of the royal heir makers yellow jersey and receive a world-wide four-year ban from producing babies for any other royal family.”

The news comes just after Chris Froome became the record-breaking second successive clean winner of the Tour De France.

Kensington Palace has denied all claims of doping during the birth and promised to appeal any ban handed down from WADA.

“We are as shocked as anyone else at this result, and promise to conduct a full, internal investigation” the royal gynaecologist told us.

“We are sure she has not willingly taken any substance, but are looking into the possibility a cup of Earl Grey consumed during labour may either have been contaminated with diamorphine, or inadvertently given her an epidural.”

The Palace’s denial of deliberate doping may be questionable as witnesses in the Lindo wing say they heard a female voice scream “Stop prancing round in that f***ing pilot’s uniform and get me some f***ing drugs, NOW.”

In line with drug cheat tradition, we are expecting an easel with the very important announcement of an interview booking to be placed outside Oprah Winfrey’s house.

Royal baby named George. See Wills’ new tattoo…

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Exclusive royal baby update; nothing’s happened

After tests, we can confirm that the tumble weed is not related to the royal family.

After tests, we can confirm that the tumble weed is not related to the royal family.

After a nine month wait, newspapers, television news, internet sites all over the world and now the Evening Harold can confirm that nothing has happened in the royal baby story.

“There was a lady who pulled up in what we believe was a car, and made her way into the maternity ward” our reporter for the Evening Harold at the hospital said. “She was large, screaming and out of breath. Early reports suggest she was pregnant but not the Duchess of Cambridge.”

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Gardener creates winning Royal Show topiary from wife’s pubic hair

The only bush to be shaped with wax strips

The only bush to be shaped with wax strips

There were blushes at the annual Harold Flower Show yesterday, when it was realised that the winning entry for the bush topiary section had been created from the pubic hair of the successful gardener’s wife.

Jane Fondant, leader of the local Women’s Institute and sponsor of the prize, admitted that the entry was within competition rules. “There was nothing to say that the entry had to be fashioned from the green foliage of a bush; but naturally we were thinking of a shrub rather than Mrs Kennedy’s nether regions. Things have changed a lot in the WI since Calendar Girls, and we are keen to embrace, as it were, anything that distances us from the old jam and Jerusalem image.”

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