This changes everything
Police have dramatically called off all search operations in the Gatwick area after the first confirmed photograph emerged of the mystery “drone” which has brought chaos to the airport.
After days of unconfirmed sightings, officials were beginning to question whether the mystery flying object actually existed. This changed on Christmas Eve, when a passenger booked on flight HAR666 for Dunstable came forward with a clear photograph of a bearded object being propelled through the Gatwick sky by what appeared to be a team of reindeer.
“I saw it clear as day,” explained Brian Renfrew from the village of Harold. “Obviously some clever mechanical flying device done up to take the shape of a large merry gentleman with a large sack on what I can only describe as a sleigh.”
“I could even hear the motor whirring from where I was sitting on the airport observation deck. You couldn’t miss it, a kind of loud HOOOOOOOOOOing noise. Followed by a couple more.”
Authorities have insisted that the new photographic evidence does not indicate a threat, and that they have actually decided to cancel all search operations.
“My men and I are professionals,” insisted Detective Inspector Partridge of Gatwick Airport police. “We’re as keen as anyone to bring this mystery flyer to justice, but we have to consider the painstaking months we’ve all spent compiling our Christmas present list, and quite frankly none of us are prepared to put that in jeopardy.”
“Personally, I asked him for a ride-on mower, and I’m buggered if I’m getting on the naughty list for the sake of a few disgruntled holidaymakers.”
Filed under Christmas, News
There were red faces at internet giant Facebook today after it emerged that an artist’s perfectly innocent Christmas card picture had been banned because of its “sexual” and “adult” nature.
The artist, Harold village resident Charlie Jacks, said she “could not stop laughing” when she discovered the reason the social media company would not approve the product last month.
The bird, with its distinctive red breast and bulging testicles, was one of three completely innocent designs painted by Jacks of animals in the snow for the set. The others were a tawny owl and a female badger with an enormous pair of tits you could rest your pint on.
But Facebook blocked what it perceived as an “adult item” after the artist attempted to upload the image to her Haroldcraft page.
A spokesperson for Facebook admitted that the algorithms used to identify adult content were not infallible, and that false positives would occasionally slip through the net.
“We had a similar thing last year, when pictures of Michael Gove were being rejected,” he explained.
“But that was because he really is a cunt.”
Filed under Art, Christmas, News
“We’re prepared to admit we made a mistake”
Turkeys have had second thoughts about voting for Christmas and now seek a lengthy transitional period to fatten up in peace.
“To be honest, I’m not sure we thought through the implications of voting for Christmas” said turkey spokesman Kevin Sainsbury.
“Too many turkeys just blindly believed the Christmaser’s promise of an extra 250 million pounds without stopping to consider we’d have to give an arm and a leg in return, and probably a breast too.”
Filed under News, Politics
The ghosts who for over one hundred and seventy years have been successfully haunting misanthropic rich men and getting them to see the error of their ways have refused to work their magic on Donald Trump. The ghosts’ agent, C.J.H Dickens, said that they’d been offered the gig and begged to attend by Trump’s transition team however all three have said no. Continue reading
Tis the season to be exactly like Anne and Mary Boylen. Just swap who gets to play nug-a-nug with Henry VIII for who gets to keep the remote control and there’s literally no difference #FACT
Adults across the country are happily preparing to return to their parents’ homes and resume fighting with their brothers and sisters in the most petulant and immature way possible. Continue reading
A healthy and nutritious dinner for one
The village is divided this evening on whether or not today is the day you can eat and booze like Falstaff on a bender without being accused of self-harm.
They have given up the glory of the animal for an eggnog latte and a set of DVDs
Doctors have determined that anyone who chooses to spend hours of the only life they’ll ever have walking slowly in and out of some shops on a Saturday this close to Christmas is medically riddled with self-loathing.
“There’s no other explanation,” local doctor Clive Evans told us. “Why would someone for whom everything is going well and who has a sunny and optimistic outlook decide to do this? The answer is that they wouldn’t. People who go shopping today are in urgent need of help.” Continue reading
Ho, ho, oh sod off you fat, judgemental bastard
Staff at Harold Save & Prosper have defended their decision to put office manager Sam Woods in a wicker man on the grounds that it was unreasonable to expect them to tolerate an adult who genuinely enjoys Christmas. Continue reading
Ho, ho, ho? No, no. no
Christmas looks set to come but not at all to the United States this year as Father Christmas’ visa has been sensationally revoked and missile batteries in Alaska placed on Reindeer In The Sky Alert: Level One.
A spokesperson for the US Department of Homeland Security said that in these tense times their reaction was perfectly justified. “What we’ve got here is a foreign man with a big beard travelling with a huge sack full of who knows what. If that ain’t a threat to the US then we don’t know what is.” Continue reading
Following the revelation that the average UK family will have at least 5 fights on Christmas day – with the first one at an impressively precise 10.13am – we asked Harold’s relationship guru and all round sage advice giver, Brenda Ferguson, how to avoid stress this festive season.
“Most arguments follow a predictable pattern” said Brenda. “Having studied these closely over the last few minutes, I have been able to come up with a foolproof way to diffuse nasty situations and restore harmony.” Continue reading
An office worker was facing disciplinary action today after the act of bring a fully-wrapped camel into work for the “Secret Santa”.
In unprecedented scenes, the camel managed to burst out of its wrapping before even half the presents had been opened, ate most of the other gifts and bit the head of Human Resources on the leg.
Brian Renfrew, a business analyst for a shipping company in the UK town of Harold, explained to our reporter that he had not originally intended to purchase the camel.
“I was in the pub last night when I suddenly remembered the office Secret Santa was first thing this morning,” he explained miserably. “I thought I was stuck, then I got into a chat with this bloke at the bar who said he had a camel.”
“I’d had a few drinks, you see.”
Filed under Christmas, Pets
Peace on you.
With only 3 days of December gone, violent episodes in offices and shops across the village have begun to soar as Christmas CD repeat plays hit intolerable levels.
Emergency services have reported a jump in the number of stapler based injuries and Dunstable hospital is calling for more blood donors following a spate of viscious paper cuts. Continue reading
August not too early to start
Muslim refugees arriving in Europe have been criticised for failing to observe the traditional November Christmas celebrations, it has emerged.
Rather than seamlessly integrating into the welcoming community, Muslim families have been aggressively neglecting to put up Christmas trees and tinsel, according to furious locals.
“I’m as tolerant as the next man,” accurately ranted resident Simon Williams from the local English village of Harold. “But when I see them coming here, making themselves at home and not even spraying any of that fake snow stuff on their window panes, I just want to kill.”
“I took a yule log round to one of them yesterday, and although he seemed quite grateful, he had the nerve to ask me wasn’t Christmas in December? I ask you, the cheek.” Continue reading
Grrr…Sky Fairy…Brain washed….opium of the masses…where’s my Chrissie Pressie?
As social media continues to be dominated by varying opinions on religion many of which only make readers wonder if the person posting them ever even went to school, it has emerged that those now calling for all religion to be banned or dismissing it out of hand as childish nonsense are still expecting lots of lovely gifts on 25th December.
“When I tweeted that religion is more harmful to humans than arsenic and should be treated accordingly I wasn’t talking about Christmas,” said village keyboard warrior Ros Shaw. “I love Christmas! I mean I totally believe that no religion has ever done anything good and that they’re all death cults which only appeal to the feeble minded but I’m so looking forward to putting up the deccies and having a really good time. I love the carols best, O Little Town of Bethlehem always gives me the shivers. It’s so beautiful.” Continue reading
“WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!”
Following John Lewis and Sainsbury’s, Bargain Booze have become the latest retailer to unveil their Christmas TV advert.
The UK off licence chain have worked tirelessly on the ad, which aired for the first time at 9.15 last night on Challenge, during the first break in a repeat of a 2011 episode of Pointless. Continue reading
All set for winter.
A free winter safety check being offered by Harold’s Fire Service will focus on how to get the most out of christmas decorations.
“Last year saw a dramatic rise in automotive festivity awareness”, said fire officer Liam Hosier. “But sadly, some of them were a bit shit.”
Keen to avoid a repeat of 2014’s bobble-headed crap snowman tragedy, Hosier’s checks will focus on utilising a vehicle’s 12-volt sockets.
Using a small hammer and a bent rusty nail, the village fire crew will upgrade your car’s standard fuse box to cope with the extra power demands.