Tag Archives: christmas

Merry Christmas

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Ghosts of Christmas past, present and future refuse to haunt Donald Trump

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Humbug

The ghosts who for over one hundred and seventy years have been successfully haunting misanthropic rich men and getting them to see the error of their ways have refused to work their magic on Donald Trump. The ghosts’ agent, C.J.H Dickens, said that they’d been offered the gig and begged to attend by Trump’s transition team however all three have said no. Continue reading

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Adult siblings looking forward to Christmas regression row

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Tis the season to be exactly like Anne and Mary Boylen. Just swap who gets to play nug-a-nug with Henry VIII for who gets to keep the remote control and there’s literally no difference #FACT

Adults across the country are happily preparing to return to their parents’ homes and resume fighting with their brothers and sisters in the most petulant and immature way possible. Continue reading

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Uncertainty over if today you can legit ‘Christmas eat’ or not

Festive Fayre

A healthy and nutritious dinner for one

The village is divided this evening on whether or not today is the day you can eat and booze like Falstaff on a bender without being accused of self-harm.

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Anyone who goes shopping today clearly hates themselves

capture

They have given up the glory of the animal for an eggnog latte and a set of DVDs

Doctors have determined that anyone who chooses to spend hours of the only life they’ll ever have walking slowly in and out of some shops on a Saturday this close to Christmas is medically riddled with self-loathing.

“There’s no other explanation,” local doctor Clive Evans told us. “Why would someone for whom everything is going well and who has a sunny and optimistic outlook decide to do this? The answer is that they wouldn’t. People who go shopping today are in urgent need of help.” Continue reading

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Office workers lynch colleague who said she couldn’t wait for Christmas

fc

Ho, ho, oh sod off you fat, judgemental bastard

Staff at Harold Save & Prosper have defended their decision to put office manager Sam Woods in a wicker man on the grounds that it was unreasonable to expect them to tolerate an adult who genuinely enjoys Christmas. Continue reading

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Merry Christmas

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Father Christmas’ US visa revoked without explanation

Capture

Ho, ho, ho? No, no. no

Christmas looks set to come but not at all to the United States this year as Father Christmas’ visa has been sensationally revoked and missile batteries in Alaska placed on Reindeer In The Sky Alert: Level One.

A spokesperson for the US Department of Homeland Security said that in these tense times their reaction was perfectly justified. “What we’ve got here is a foreign man with a big beard travelling with a huge sack full of who knows what. If that ain’t a threat to the US then we don’t know what is.” Continue reading

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Brenda’s Guide to Christmas Day Fights

fergie_in_maxim-1663-e1367312654387Following the revelation that the average UK family will have at least 5 fights on Christmas day – with the first one at an impressively precise 10.13am – we asked Harold’s relationship guru and all round sage advice giver, Brenda Ferguson, how to avoid stress this festive season.

“Most arguments follow a predictable pattern” said Brenda. “Having studied these closely over the last few minutes, I have been able to come up with a foolproof way to diffuse nasty situations and restore harmony.” Continue reading

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Chaos at office after colleague brings in camel for ‘Secret Santa’

Camel-Santa - Copy

Bah, Humpbug!

An office worker was facing disciplinary action today after the act of bring a fully-wrapped camel into work for the “Secret Santa”.

In unprecedented scenes, the camel managed to burst out of its wrapping before even half the presents had been opened, ate most of the other gifts and bit the head of Human Resources on the leg.

Brian Renfrew, a business analyst for a shipping company in the UK town of Harold, explained to our reporter that he had not originally intended to purchase the camel.

“I was in the pub last night when I suddenly remembered the office Secret Santa was first thing this morning,” he explained miserably. “I thought I was stuck, then I got into a chat with this bloke at the bar who said he had a camel.”

“I’d had a few drinks, you see.”

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Office violence in Harold as ‘Best Ever Xmas Hits’ CD repeats for the 100th time.

broken+tree

Peace on you.

With only 3 days of December gone, violent episodes in offices and shops across the village have begun to soar as Christmas CD repeat plays hit intolerable levels.

Emergency services have reported a jump in the number of stapler based injuries and Dunstable hospital is calling for more blood donors following a spate of viscious paper cuts. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Christmas, Crime, music, News, Society

‘At least we know it’s not Christmas in November’, say Muslim refugees

sandman

August not too early to start

Muslim refugees arriving in Europe have been criticised for failing to observe the traditional November Christmas celebrations, it has emerged.

Rather than seamlessly integrating into the welcoming community, Muslim families have been aggressively neglecting to put up Christmas trees and tinsel, according to furious locals.

“I’m as tolerant as the next man,” accurately ranted resident Simon Williams from the local English village of Harold. “But when I see them coming here, making themselves at home and not even spraying any of that fake snow stuff on their window panes, I just want to kill.”

“I took a yule log round to one of them yesterday, and although he seemed quite grateful, he had the nerve to ask me wasn’t Christmas in December? I ask you, the cheek.” Continue reading

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People who now want all religion banned still expecting Christmas presents

angry-woman

Grrr…Sky Fairy…Brain washed….opium of the masses…where’s my Chrissie Pressie?

As social media continues to be dominated by varying opinions on religion many of which only make readers wonder if the person posting them ever even went to school, it has emerged that those now calling for all religion to be banned or dismissing it out of hand as childish nonsense are still expecting lots of lovely gifts on 25th December.

“When I tweeted that religion is more harmful to humans than arsenic and should be treated accordingly I wasn’t talking about Christmas,” said village keyboard warrior Ros Shaw. “I love Christmas! I mean I totally believe that no religion has ever done anything good and that they’re all death cults which only appeal to the feeble minded but I’m so looking forward to putting up the deccies and having a really good time. I love the carols best, O Little Town of Bethlehem always gives me the shivers. It’s so beautiful.” Continue reading

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Bargain Booze unveil eagerly awaited Christmas advert

"WHAT THEF*** ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!"

“WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!”

Following John Lewis and Sainsbury’s, Bargain Booze have become the latest retailer to unveil their Christmas TV advert.

The UK off licence chain have worked tirelessly on the ad, which aired for the first time at 9.15 last night on Challenge, during the first break in a repeat of a 2011 episode of Pointless. Continue reading

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Free car winter check includes advice on Christmas decorations

All set for winter.

All set for winter.

A free winter safety check being offered by Harold’s Fire Service will focus on how to get the most out of christmas decorations.

“Last year saw a dramatic rise in automotive festivity awareness”, said fire officer Liam Hosier. “But sadly, some of them were a bit shit.”

Keen to avoid a repeat of 2014’s bobble-headed crap snowman tragedy, Hosier’s checks will focus on utilising a vehicle’s 12-volt sockets.

Using a small hammer and a bent rusty nail, the village fire crew will upgrade your car’s standard fuse box to cope with the extra power demands.
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Merry Christmas To You All

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‘Trend towards two-turkey Christmas’ claim turkey farmers

turkey

A Christmas dinner, yesterday.

On-trend families will present two turkeys for dinner this Christmas, according to experts at Britain’s turkey farms.

While one enormous, dry bird might have sufficed in the old days, stylish people are set to ‘gobble gobble’ this year.

“Imagine you’re sat amongst your loved ones, contentedly sweating off your traditional Christmas dinner”, said Harold farmer Dave Evans. “You’ve put away over 18 pounds of festive fowl between you.”

“Everyone is smiling and wheezing and undoing the top button on their big pants. Now picture their faces, when you whip out a second beige monster.”
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Now Sainsbury’s decides not to sell Christmas items for fear of offending anyone

Never knowingly upsetting

Never knowingly upsetting

Straight after the news that Sainsbury’s had withdrawn all meat products, due to concerns about protesting vegetarians, and vegetables due to fears of upsetting meat eaters, the retail giant has announced they will not stock any Christmas related items in the run up to December 25th.

“It wasn’t an easy decision,” said a spokesperson, “ the run up to Christmas is usually our busiest time, but the majority of our customers aren’t real Christians and we didn’t want them to become upset and start cutting people’s heads off and putting the footage on twitter. That wouldn’t be great publicity, would it?” Continue reading

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Dyson solves yet another problem you didn’t know you had

'dyson'on hat

Getting your suitcase may take a while

Inventor James Dyson, who winters in Harold, has outlined the genesis of his latest ‘WTF is that?’ product.

“When I  got the Christmas lights down from the loft, the ladder was really cold.  Some dolt had only gone and stuffed loads of fibreglass wool above the bedroom ceilings, blocking  heat from downstairs! So  I whacked two 15 kilowatt radiators into the loft for a quick-fix.”

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UK public disappointed in attempts to return unwanted politicians

I'll take a refund but I don't want to exchange her for another one

I’ll take a refund but I don’t want to exchange her for another one

Enterprising members of the public have been left disappointed after attempting to return unwanted MPs along with unwanted Christmas presents this morning.

Many people hit on the idea of returning their local MP along with the new jumper that is several sizes too small, but stores are refusing to refund or even exchange politicians as they claim it is “not their place to do so”. Continue reading

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