Anyone who goes shopping today clearly hates themselves


They have given up the glory of the animal for an eggnog latte and a set of DVDs

Doctors have determined that anyone who chooses to spend hours of the only life they’ll ever have walking slowly in and out of some shops on a Saturday this close to Christmas is medically riddled with self-loathing.

“There’s no other explanation,” local doctor Clive Evans told us. “Why would someone for whom everything is going well and who has a sunny and optimistic outlook decide to do this? The answer is that they wouldn’t. People who go shopping today are in urgent need of help.”

Dr Evans made it clear that Christmas shopping disease is curable with a graded program of exercises starting with shouting “It’s just stuff. No one needs it or really wants it. Bath bombs and novelty pants cannot fill the void within” at suffers then moving on to showing them pictures of parks and woods and suggesting that it’s nicer there than in a shopping centre filled with sweaty, bickering strangers. Finally they’re introduced to the idea of shopping online.

A post-graduate course on giving the money they’d normally spend on presents to charity is also available but has had little response as most people would rather give their money to giant corporations than help others out of fear of looking “a bit smug”.

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