Category Archives: Politics

Emily Thornberry: “Monkey pilots, flying space-buggies, must go to Syria”

emily-thornberry

“Ooh, look. The Tooth Fairy!”

Emily Thornberry has followed her calls for UK cargo drone and gps-guided parachute deployment in Syria, with a plea for “the RAF’s squadrons of monkey-driven space-buggies to be used in the cause of peace”.

“We should look at all options,” she says “including impossibilities and those based on imaginary resources.” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Britain First even fails to become a banned organisation

britaynfirts

It’s a telephone Paul. Just say “Hello, this is Paul.”

Morons-on-a-mission, Britain First are seemingly so useless they’ve even failed to come to the attention of Amber Rudd and get themselves banned.

The knuckle-dragging f**kwit ‘party’ has been asking for funds for some days, on the premise they were about to be banned and needed cash for their legal appeal. With Poppy Season over, Biffer Central is on the lookout for alternative scams, Continue reading

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Filed under Law and Order, News, Politics

Dominic Raab literally disappears up his own a*se, live on TV

supreme-court

Domini Raab outside the Supreme Court. Oh, too late

Fingernails down a blackboard in human form, people’s democratic champion Dominic Raab shocked viewers this morning, by vanishing up his own a*se during a live TV interview.

Raab, who comes second only to Michael Gove as the Tory MP you’d most like to punch, was on BBC TV News this morning, wittering on about Brexit; his only interest, apart from The Life and Times of Dominic Raab.

Standing on the street outside the Supreme Court (only Pinewood’s James Bond set can now accommodate his massive head), Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, News, Politics

Paul Nuttall denies being a politician as CV row intensifies

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Point to a racist, Paul

Lead character from a sitcom you’d have begged your parents not to let you stay up and watch, Paul Nuttall, has confronted the lies on his CV by denying that he is a politician. Continue reading

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ADVERTISEMENT: Wealthy former MP seeks position near Richmond

zac

Are we related? Do you own a magazine? I could be your man

Unexpectedly back on the market, due to circumstances entirely within my control.

Have own ego, sense of entitlement, and a willingnes to travel as far as Kingston upon Thames if necessary, for the right post.

Have own dog-whistle and recent experience of high profile dog-whistling. Might suit right-wing political campaigning group, looking to increase its media coverage by employing a photogenic, eccentric, multi-millionaire, with lovely eyes but some sincererity issues.

Have experience of editing rich uncle’s magazine. So, if we’re related by birth, marriage or a close proximity on the Sunday Times rich-list, and you own a magazine, please Continue reading

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Filed under Employment, News, Politics

IDS denies that benefit sanctions don’t work as they helped him kill “loads of feckless scum”

ids

Point to your right, Iain

Lack of intelligence, wrapped in a falsified CV, inside a complete absence of empathy, Iain Duncan Smith, has refuted today’s National Audit Office report which states that there is no evidence that welfare sanctions work. Continue reading

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Filed under DWP, Politics

Government may consider radical “brief-case technology” for carrying sensitive documents

downingstreetpapers

Most of them have doodles of Gove on a gallows on the cover

Another secret document has been photograhed being carried along Downing Street. “To be honest, this one’s got us stumped.” said a senior official “Short of putting papers in our pockets, we’re powerless.”

Now though, Harold inventor Dr Rachel Guest has come up with a novel solution which she hopes will be considered by Ministers.

“Desperate times, desperate measures.” says Dr Guest, who’s worked on the problem for two years. “Theresa May says it’s foolish to reveal her strategy to EU negotiators, but that approach could be undermined if any of them have a camera and know how to get to Downing Street.” Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, News, Politics

UKIP members shocked to find Paul Nuttall is a scouser

nuttall

“this chap sounds like a footballer”

Thousands of horrified UKIP members only found out today, as they listened to Paul Nuttall gave his acceptance speech, that they’d voted for a scouser.

“My god, I thought he’d be another Nigel.” said Alec Fairchild, a UKIP member and pub bore from Harold. “Well-off, private school, a commodity broker in the city. But this chap sounded like a football player; or someone in a Channel 5 documentary about benefit cheats.”

“We’d already had a filly, for a couple of weeks,” explained Fairchild, warming to his task, Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics

Autumn Statement build-up “ruined” by reporter standing outside No.10 Downing Street

giles-dilnot

Dilnot, ruining everything for the nation. It’s number 11, you idiot!

The TV news build-up to the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement was ruined for many today, when a BBC reporter stood outside Number 10 Downing St. in error.

Alec Fairchild, a man who usually gets his political insight from the Mail and Sky News, tuned into BBC today, by mistake, and was completely thrown by finding himself staring at Theresa May’s front door.

“Typical bloody lefty BBC, all that public money and they still can’t get it right,” fumed Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “this is exactly why I don’t pay the licence fee.” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Economy, News, Politics

After moaning about misspent EU cash, UKIP to repay misspent EU cash

farage

Farage tries to find out which clown had been in charge

“Just because I’ve gone on and on and on about the lack of EU audits,” says Nigel Farage “people I’ve accused of financial incompetence, or worse, have checked up on us and found we’re incompetent, or worse. It’s as if they don’t like me for some strange reason.”

Mr Farage said that he was angry to learn that UKIP had misspent EU funds on campaigning for Brexit.

Calling on the party to identify what sort of clown had been in charge during the campaign, he Continue reading

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Filed under Europe, News, Politics

Blair to take political centre-ground: will probably bomb it

Sociopathe will be especially welcome

“a face built for a wicker man”

Embodiment of Teflon in human/lizard combo form, Tony Blair, will launch an attack on common decency next year, gurning his way into TV studios, onto TV sofas and thence onto our TV screens. Into our homes, as if the world wasn’t bad enough.

The well-known war criminal and former PM has assembled a formidable team of popular, cross-party politicians, including Murphy, Osborne, Clegg, and some bloke you won’t have heard of, who used to be a special adviser to Mandelson.

We’re not making this shit up,  Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics, Tony Blair, War

Farron denies dozing at the controls

farron_t

Farron briefly wakes up, half way through one of his own speeches

Footage appearing to show a politician nodding off at the controls of a political party is being “urgently investigated”.

The clip, apparently captured on a mobile phone in November, was sent to the Sun ‘newspaper’. It had been recorded about eighteen months from the derailment of his predecessor’s career.

In the 30-second clip, the leader – who is not the other dozy one who was involved in the last electoral disaster – appears to drift in and out of sleep as his party trundles along towards total destruction.

He is seen apparently struggling to remain upright, and members of the public can be heard expressing shock, or asking ‘who the hell is that?’ as the party approaches the awful possibility of a snap 2017 election.

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Jacob Rees-Mogg “Yes, I do know more than the High Court about the law, actually.”

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Jacob. You can make up your own caption

Embodiment of arguments against wealth, privilege, and inbreeding, MP Jacob Rees-Mogg, says that Eton, Oxford, and a few years juggling other people’s money means he knows more than High Court Judges do about constitutional law.

Rather than spending hours in court, carefully listening to legal argument, fierce brexiter Rees-Mogg spent hours in TV studios, waiting to spout nonsense as soon as the High Court decision on triggering Article 50 was announced. So it was no surprise that he was at Sky News, already wearing his make-up, when it was. Continue reading

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Filed under News, referendum

Protest against Orgreave enquiry decision charged down by mounted police

orgreave

Brave PC defends himself against a woman armed with beads

A group protesting Amber Rudd’s decision against an Orgreave enquiry has been flattened by a mounted troop of baton-swinging police officers.

Today’s retro cavalry-charge was “a limited, proportionate response and rather nostalgic,” a South Yorkshire Police spokeswoman explained, adding “anyway one of them looked a bit like Arthur Scargill, so they were asking for it. Continue reading

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Filed under Civil rights, News, Police, Politics

“Hunt denies NHS funding deception as he hires Derren Brown”

hunt

Now we’re going to play with this Emperor’s new ball here

“There’s no sleight of hand involved,” insisted the walking definition of ‘it’s who you know’ this morning. “But there is Derren’s trademark blend of magic, misdirection, psychology and showmanship.”

“Using it I’ve already convinced myself that I’m doing a brilliant job and that as a failed marmalade exporter I definitely know more about medicine than so-called experts. Sorry? No, nothing at all about marmalade, Continue reading

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Boris’ opposition to Heathrow was just “an academic exercise, exploring its many benefits”

boris-digger

Remember? Boris said he’d be driving one of these

“When people thought I was against it, I was running for Mayor of London but now I’m Top Kiddie at the FO and planning to stay.” Boris Johnson bumbled today, describing how his perceived opposition to a third Heathrow runway was merely him exploring its benefits for himself.

Johnson explained that protesters must, in some strange way, have got hold of the wrong end of the stick, whilst he was in fact just convincing himself how weak their argument was. “I didn’t expect anyone to think I was expressing a genuine belief though, because I don’t have any.”

“Yes I did say that I’d lie down in front of the bulldozers” Continue reading

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Filed under News, Politics, Transport

Labour’s Stone pays the price for standing behind Ed Miliband

edandstone2

The Stone had to be clamped in place , after twice running away

Grey, dull and seemingly hewn from the solid, Labour’s massive election cock-up, Ed Miliband has cost his Party’s election Stone dearly.

In the wake of the Electoral Commission’s £20,000 fine, Labour’s Stone has spoken for the first time about its 2015 election humiliation.

“My role was to be in the background, a solid, yet effectively blank canvass, against which party policies might be clearly outlined by a human.” Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2015, Labour, News, Politics

UKIP refugee, Steven Woolfe upset to be refused entry to other parties

woolfe3

Woolfe had to get out so quickly he had to leave his principles behind

Part-time scrapper, Steven Woolfe has been left stranded and lonely, after fleeing UKIP and not being rescued.

“I was afraid for my life after being attacked by Mike Hookem. I had to get out at such short notice I had to leave my principles behind.” said Woolfe yesterday “Astonishingly, other political parties simply rejected me.”

A tearful Woolfe appealed to Conservatives’ sense of compassion “It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be welcomed.  Continue reading

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Woman claims not to have been groped by Donald Trump

make america grope again

What a tosser, though, really.

In the biggest shock yet to the 2016 Presidential race, an unidentified woman has come forward claiming not to have been ever groped or inappropriately touched by Republican candidate Donald Trump.

Masie Renfrew, 48, a dental hygienist from Brooklyn, claimed to sceptical journalists that she shared an elevator with Trump in 1986 without being molested by the bewigged octopus.

“He just sort of stood there looking at me out of the corner of his eye,” explained Renfrew. “He seemed to twitch slightly, but that could just have been the wig blowing in the air con. Then I got out, and he hadn’t done anything, I was shocked.”

“I supposed I’m lucky I was only going one floor.”

Continue reading

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Filed under Politics, Sex, US Elections

Tyson Fury enters UKIP leadership race

tyson-fury2

FURY SAYS HE CAN COPE WITH ATTACKS FROM THE LEFT OR THE RIGHT

Celebrity racist and well-known misogynist, Tyson Fury, has signed up for the UKIP leadership race, claiming he has the firepower to despatch Mike ‘Right’ Hookem in the early rounds.

“Mike was impressive against barrister Steven Woolfe. What a ridiculous name by the way, with a name like Woolfe I thought he’d be a bit tasty but he went down like his name was Poodle.” Continue reading

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