Henry Bolton in happier times
Henry Bolton is refusing to desert UKIP, the party he has loved ever since joining it the Thursday before last even though many believe it is ‘going down for the third time’.
“It would be a dereliction of my duty to stand down now, just at the point when the party is riven with dreadful factional in-fighting.” he explained to our reporter this afternoon, adding “Of course, I might reconsider my position once the current leadership crisis is over but Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Looks like the chap next door on his way to court but apparently not
A bloke you’ve never heard of has resigned from UKIP, after gradually realising that past, current, and potential party leaders are a bunch of infighting homophobes and racists.
Jonathan Arnott (that’s him) is apparently MEP for the North East of England and says UKIP “shifted” its stance on religious and cultural issues.
“It was a great shock to me, as you might imagine.” said Arnott. “There was nothing in the party’s history which gave a hint of the festering hatred and bile, lurking far below the surface. OK, perhaps Continue reading
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Donald exhibiting rudimentary human-like behaviour
An American circus cannot bring it’s prize giant orange-u-tan to London over fears the animal will become stressed by all the public attention.
The Republican Circus had hoped to cash in on it’s giant primate Donald who has amazed American people with his ability to exhibit rudimentary signs of human behaviour. The orange-u-tan can grunt and sniff as a form of speaking, and perhaps more controversially, some say Donald has the ability to communicate simple concepts through tweeting.
The lot of them
Theresa May has reassured the public that despite the ‘resignation’ of Damian Green, the government is still wall-to-wall wankers.
In a stiffly-worded statement, May insisted that with the likes of Gove, Johnson, Davies and Hunt still around, you could hardly toss a brick in the cabinet without hitting a wanker, and that’s without even mentioning Liam Fox.
“It’s nonetheless a real jerk that Mr Green has decided he cannot wait a moment longer before shooting off”, she ejaculated wildly.
“When I first heard the news, I confess I was sitting there with my head in my hands, as, presumably, was Damian Green.”
“Nevertheless, I’m certain there will be a queue of ministers keen to fill his position. It’s an attractive role in my government, and after all, Green had just splashed out on a new desk.”
Filed under News, Politics, Sex
Dossett box empty, Dacre on one of his ‘calmer’ days
The Daily Mail’s Editor, Paul Dacre has been detained under the Mental Health Act, after MPs voted to have the final say on Brexit.
“He lasted an hour once the news broke.” said Mail journalist and physical embodiment of the argument for banning public schools, Quentin Letts, a man who might bum your cat and then expect you to thank him.
“When Paul’s dribble turned to foam we contacted emergency social services, which was ironic as we’d just made up a story about all social workers being Continue reading
Whatever it is, Mrs May seems to like it
Philip Hammond’s budget played nug-a-nug with the UK yesterday but those unfamiliar with the detail of economic theory are struggling to know if this means everyone has been given a nice low down tingle, or a right royal seeing to, so thorough it’s left them feeling they’ve reached out and touched the face of God.
Professor of Economics Julia Hogsburn of Dunstable University explained that sexual innuendo and metaphor, though popular in tabloid journalism, were actually unhelpful when assessing economic stability. “No, what we’re looking at here is more akin to being Ramsay Boltoned” said Hogsburn “I hope Continue reading
Jacob hanging on to a majority in his constituency
Speaking outside the 20th century (at the other end), Rees-Mogg, an expert on laws spiritual and temporal, explained that his God hates divorce, contraception, and menstrual cycles. And socialists – “not just the women socialists though.”
The MP says that although he is prepared to compromise his beliefs, as far as the divorce itself is concerned, actually paying for it is a step too far. “I would never do so, of course, but if I ever did leave my wife I Continue reading
I’ve conceded hobnobs but expect tariff-free trade at least
With Brexit talks at a critical stage, David Davis is even thinking about putting in an extra shift each week until next month.
“I’m willing to do the job I’m paid to do, on anything up to two days a week, but only for the short term.”
“I won’t say exactly how long for, as I don’t want to reveal my hand.” said a toga-wearing Davis, speaking from a chaise longue in his London office, whilst being fed peeled grapes Continue reading
Iain gets teary when he thinks about how many disabled and vulnerable people are still extant
Tory ministers past and present are sadder than Hodor’s death following the publication of a report that shows an association between austerity and 120,000 people upping stumps and retiring to the pavilion. Continue reading
“We’re prepared to admit we made a mistake”
Turkeys have had second thoughts about voting for Christmas and now seek a lengthy transitional period to fatten up in peace.
“To be honest, I’m not sure we thought through the implications of voting for Christmas” said turkey spokesman Kevin Sainsbury.
“Too many turkeys just blindly believed the Christmaser’s promise of an extra 250 million pounds without stopping to consider we’d have to give an arm and a leg in return, and probably a breast too.”
Filed under News, Politics
“Trust me. I was definitely not sacked.”
Popular International Development Secretary Priti Patel was ordered back from an official trip in Africa by the PM, summoned to Downing Street and then by sheer coincidence decided to resign. “I wasn’t sacked” said Ms Patel.
In her resignation letter, which was in no way prepared in advance by the PM, Ms Patel said her actions “fell below the standards of transparency and openness that I have advocated for other people. I just didn’t realise they might apply to me. So I’ve resigned”.
Mrs May said Ms Patel’s Continue reading
Larry is expected to jump at the chance
With yet another hapless minister being shown the door, Larry the Downing Street cat is standing by, in the expectation that he’ll get a Cabinet post later this week.
The PM hopes that Larry will help dispose of some of the larger rats before they abandon the sinking ship. “He’s not actually very good at it” admitted press secretary James Slack “but then again David Davis and Jeremy Hunt haven’t set the bar very high.”
“Larry’s a safe pair of paws though,” insists Slack “used to shitting in public, then half-heartedly trying to cover it up, so he should fit in well with Boris Continue reading
UK nuclear command prepare for the night shift.
A weekend IMHO poll has revealed that most people feel relaxed about our nuclear warheads being under the control of wide-awake clear-thinking coke-snorting top-flight gamers, and that this is way preferable to President Trump having his finger on the big button.
“These guys in the submarine are best in class when it comes to video war games,” said Harold teenager Kevin Ronsson. “They’ve got hand-eye coordination like you wouldn’t believe and they’re so sharp-brained they can beat you at chess with one hand while fending off incoming with the other. Whereas Trump is more like a thick dickhead, still stuck on level 1 in Hungry Horace.”
Chris managed to beat off rivals to secure a post with the family firm.
Tory MP, whip and all-round know-it-all Chris Heaton-Harris, has written to all home-schooling parents, asking them to send him copies of their lesson plans, with particular reference to Brexit.
“There’s no hurry,” says Heaton-Harris “but shall we say next Monday at the latest? As half-term actually ends on Friday afternoon.”
The popular government whip likes people to justify their position in society and has written to all the nation’s educators, partly because time hangs heavy on his hands as an MP but mostly because Continue reading
They’ll thank me later. They always do.
Ukippers and other idiots are still keen on giving the UK a damned hard brexit, often waking early, drenched in various bodily fluids, after a night spent fantasising about it.
With the referendum won, right-wingers are managing their otherwise empty internal worlds by dreaming of giving us all a really good brexiting. “The UK may say be saying ‘no’ but I know better,” explained Continue reading
“I’m sorry we got found out.” He looks a bit Nixony to us
Grey man in a grey suit, David Gauke, says once negative publicity reached ‘critical’, he decided to stop charging benefit claimants 55p a minute for DWP helplines.
“We’re listening and we care,” said DWP minister Gauke, supressing a snigger. “care about being found out, that is. Now we’ll go back to the drawing board and find other, less obvious ways of punishing people for claiming benefits.”
“It can’t be that hard. Iain Duncan Smith ran the DWP for years and he needs both hands to find his arse Continue reading
Filed under DWP, Politics
Combined wealth: tens of millions. Combined empathy: zero
A Downing Street official has confirmed that the Cabinet are giddy with delight as they prepare to vote against pausing the rollout of Universal Credit which is predicted to push over a million children into poverty by 2020 and at least double homelessness. Continue reading
Phew, Bolton remembers to use his left arm when saluting the troops
Henry Bolton has seen off the challenge of better-known racists to become UKIP leader.
He says he’ll hang on until 2018 if at all possible and if his luck’s in, dashing hopes there’d be enough leaders within 12 months to form a five-a-side charity football team.
What do we know about Henry Bolton? Born in Kenya [are you sure? check this before publishing Ed.], Bolton moved to Britain to study but quickly realised other immigrants might want to compete Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Hang ’em high.
The Labour Party has voted unanimously in favour of more overhead floral growth as a peaceful and environmentally-friendly deterrent against terrorism.
Moving the motion, Shadow Home Secretary Diane Abbott left the delegates in suspense for a moment when she called for a vote to “Bring back hanging” before pausing to take a sip of water then adding “baskets”.
The idea has been welcomed by Harold psychologist Dr Freya Fairchild.
“Studies have shown that in an environment of pretty colours, sweet scent and Continue reading