(Captain) Henry Bolton refuses to abandon sinking shits

Henry Bolton in happier times

Henry Bolton is refusing to desert UKIP, the party he has loved ever since joining it the Thursday before last even though many believe it is ‘going down for the third time’.

“It would be a dereliction of my duty to stand down now, just at the point when the party is riven with dreadful factional in-fighting.” he explained to our reporter this afternoon, adding “Of course, I might reconsider my position once the current leadership crisis is over but with all the uncertainty it would be wrong to step aside. I used to be in the army you know, have I ever mentioned that?”

Awarded an OBE in 2013, for ‘services to international security’ and married first to a Dane, then to a Russian, the former army Captain turned circus clown, Henry Bolton is considered the party’s go-to expert on international affairs, with most party members having been no further than the pubs on the Costa del Sol or, in the case of their MEPs, as far as the EU expenses claims office in Brussels.

Meanwhile Nigel Farage has repeated his denial that he is planning to launch a new political party, leading to bookies shortening the odds on him doing so to 9/4 against.

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