Category Archives: Police

Government launch campaign to raise awareness of bestiality laws

Tale as old as time…but she’s no Emma Watson

The UK Home Office has announced a £2.5 million public information campaign, aimed at raising awareness of bestiality laws, and reminding people that sex with animals is illegal.

High profile cases like that of Carol Bowditch, the Lincolnshire pensioner who was filmed having sex with several dogs at a bestiality party, unaware that she had done anything wrong, show that work needs to be done to ensure that others don’t unwittingly fall foul of the law by going too far with their pets, a Home Office spokesman explained.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Advertisments, Dating, Farming, Golden Showers, News, Pets, Police, Society

Police: Amber Rudd’s speech was a ‘hate incident’, not a ‘hate crime’, as it was made by Amber Rudd

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“I’M NO XENOPHOBE BUT …”

Police say Amber Rudd’s nasty 2016 conference speech is not being treated as a crime because, “Duh. Hello? Because she’s our boss, stupid”.

“No, we’ve recorded it as a hate incident instead” said a West Midlands Police spokesperson “which means no crime investigation, and no interview under caution for our guvnor. Anything else we can help you with? Must go now as I’ve got an appointment with the Home Office to discuss Police pay and conditions.” Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, News, Police, Politics

Protest against Orgreave enquiry decision charged down by mounted police

orgreave

Brave PC defends himself against a woman armed with beads

A group protesting Amber Rudd’s decision against an Orgreave enquiry has been flattened by a mounted troop of baton-swinging police officers.

Today’s retro cavalry-charge was “a limited, proportionate response and rather nostalgic,” a South Yorkshire Police spokeswoman explained, adding “anyway one of them looked a bit like Arthur Scargill, so they were asking for it. Continue reading

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Filed under Civil rights, News, Police, Politics

Black cars ‘twice as likely to be beaten up by police’

You’re nicked!

A damning report into the Metropolitan Police has found that London’s black cars are almost twice as likely to be beaten up by crazed policemen than vehicles of any other colour.

In 2015, there were 849 incidents of police brutality involving black or dark-hued automobiles, compared with 450 cases of white cars being damaged in custody.

“These figures show that the streets are just not safe for vehicles of colour,” claimed Albert Renfrew of the activist organisation “Black Cars Matter”.

“Our capital’s motorists face this sort of blatant discrimination every day. Just last week, my local police decided to smash up my own immaculate black Mini, even though it was parked next to a white Skoda with flat tyres, no MOT and a large painting of a policeman with a penis for a head on the bonnet.”

“I don’t think this is a coincidence.”

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PC filmed in car attack “just trying to sell raffle tickets for Police Benevolent Fund”

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“WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A RAFFLE TICKET, SIR?”

A seemingly wanton act of criminal damage may have been an over-exuberant attempt to raise funds for PCs down on their luck.

“Some Officers have to retire early after, say, accidentally attacking a member of the public or their property.” said Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe.

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Filed under Law and Order, News, Police

G4S “only phoned 999 to report dodgy 999 calls”

clowns

G4S Managers meeting

Another steaming tidal-wave of shit seems to have emerged from the Goverment’s favourite contractors, the hapless G4S.

With child victims of their custody staff assaults still sporting bruises, fresh allegations are that G4S police control room staff made loads of 999 calls at quiet times, to boost their performance figures.

Jon Pastry, managing director for G4S public services outlined the background to this latest calamity “We became aware that a shady firm of repeat offenders had made a 999 call to boost their performance figures.” Continue reading

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Police ‘too busy’ on Hillsborough cover-up to bother with Rotherham children

Armed Police visit the home of a child rape victim, to tell her parents to stop whining

South Yorkshire Police have explained that they were far to busy lying about their responsibility for Hillsborough, to be much concerned about children being raped in Rotheram.

“Hindsight’s a wonderful thing for you media types.” said a South Yorkshire Police spokesweasel  “But back then, lots of colleagues still had pensions riding on our blaming victims of Hillsborough Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Police

Two thousand drivers clocked at over 100 mph “were just trying to get away from Luton”

speeding

“You’d better send an ambulance, the driver looks as if he’s seen a ghost town”

Of the 2,010 motorists clocked by police at over 100mph in the last year, over 2,000 were on the M1 in Bedfordshire, scurrying away from Luton, with their accelerator pedals crushed into the carpet.

The highest speed recorded though was 156mph on the A1(M) in Cambridgeshire. The driver had unwittingly booked a weekend at a Premier Inn in Bedfordshire, unaware Continue reading

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Filed under Law and Order, Motoring, News, Police

“Crystal meth hidden in bras, now Aussie police find crack in pants”

Policemen ‘just happened’ to be rummaging around in women’s underwear

Following the reporting of Meth found hidden in a shipment of bras, Australian police have announced the discovery of crack apparent in the pants of a middle aged male border guard.

“The crack was initially highlighted by our sniffer dogs, which we had to forcibly drag away from it. Continue reading

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Police inquiry concludes that they will stop investigating very rich, well-connected men

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If only more of them were like Officer Carey Mahoney

The police investigation into charges made against Leon Brittan was “unnecessary and unjustified due to the fact he was very wealthy and knew a lot of senior politicians”, a review has concluded.
Vowing that the police would learn from their mistakes the head of the Met, Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe, said that from now on “any man of a certain age facing a certain allegation will be ignored as long as he’s got a shedload of cash and is friends with Prince Charles/was friends with Maggie.” Continue reading

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Attempted Farage murder – police to interview 64 million suspects

farage_car

A tragic near-miss

British Police are to urgently interview the entire population of the UK after it emerged that an attempt had been made to murder UKIP leader Nigel Farage.

“We have identified a list of suspects who had a motive to kill Mr Farage,” announced Deputy Commissioner Bunsen of the Metropolitan Police. “This list contains the entire population of the country, excepting the gentleman himself, of course.”

“The motive most of these people seem to have for the attempted murder is that Mr Farage is a giant tosser,” explained the Deputy Commissioner.

“The exception being UKIP supporters, who see him merely as a tosser.” Continue reading

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Police cuts will severely impact undercover shagging, say chiefs

Mark-Kennedy-007

Look out ladies!

Cuts to officer numbers will severely affect the ability of undercover police to have illegal affairs with women they have befriended, senior police chiefs have told the home secretary.

“It is the worst possible timing to be cutting police numbers now, in the current climate when so many officers fancy a quick one with members of the public who do not know they are actually police,” the letter insists.

“Especially with all the other stuff going on at the moment, our officers are going to have to choose between illicit nookie and protecting the public from bad people,” it continues.

“The obvious result is that the terrorists will win.”
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Filed under Crime, News, Police, Sex

Police should follow Cameron’s example of appointing me as Britain’s first black Home Secretary says Theresa May

theresamaybonkers

Britain’s first black Home Secretary

Speaking to the National Black Police Association conference, Theresa May has identified the current UK cabinet as an ‘exemplar of equality in action’.

Mrs May went on to explain how her own experience, as a black woman from a disadvantaged social background, informs all her work on behalf of the people of Royal Windsor & Maidenhead. Continue reading

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Filed under Crime, Law and Order, News, Police

Police launch new ‘000’ phone number for people happy to be just left in ditch

happy-field

Lovely, just leave me here, thanks.

Following a successful trial in Cambridgeshire yesterday where police left a motorcycle crash victim lying in a ditch for hours, the service is to be rolled out nationwide, it was announced today.

Inspired by the NHS non-emergency advice number 111, the new 000 service will allow the public to alert the police that something bad has happened, but that they are happy to be left in a ditch for a few hours if the police are too busy harassing Muslim school children and searching black teenagers.

Yesterday’s crash victim, managing a feeble wave from a police wheelbarrow after his eventual collection, said he was “thrilled” to be part of the successful trial. Continue reading

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Jeremy Corbyn unmasked as police spy

pc corbyn

Corbyn’s disguise was ‘almost fool-proof’.

An undercover police officer who infiltrated the Labour leadership contest has been named as Jeremy Corbyn.

Corbyn, who has three other families through his work with Greenpeace, Amnesty International and the Beard Liberation Front, has gone back to his fishing village now his cover is blown.

“I can confirm that PC ‘Corbyn’ has worked for the Special Demonstration Squad since 1983”, said the Met’s superintendent Latechild. “Unfortunately on this occasion, he’s overstretched his remit.”
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Popular ‘Harold in Bloom’ winner disqualified for mass murder.

img_4915-1 Gladys Pymm, regular winner of the ‘Harold in Bloom award for most attractive roadside memorial’ has had her name struck from the trophy after being convicted at Dunstable Crown Court for serial murder.

73 year old Mrs Pymm was crowned winner for the 7th time in 2014 for her outstanding performance in looking after the 46 roadside shrines situated along a short stretch of the B1137 that runs outside her house. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, Crime, idiots, Law and Order, Motoring, Police, Society, Uncategorized

Theresa May: ‘Actually, we are planning to send three-year-olds to jail for not eating dinner’

jail

Start ’em young

Home Secretary Theresa May has called on UK police to end a social media campaign against scaring children with threats of prison, pointing out that this is actually a key part of the Conservatives’ new law enforcement policy.

Durham Constabulary has published a poster on its Facebook page urging parents not to tell their children that if they refuse to eat dinner the police will take them to prison. The police believe that this will only instill a climate of fear and mistrust of the law from an early age.

However, the Home Secretary has pointed out that the proposed 2016 Law Enforcement, Juveniles (Dinner) Act will specifically make not finishing vegetables a criminal offence for children as young as five. “Five” referring here to days, of course. Continue reading

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Filed under Police, Politics, Social media

Close deaths of Ruth Rendell and PD James spark police murder probe

RendellThe death of novelist Ruth Rendell has prompted a police investigation after a suggestion on Twitter that her death may the work of serial killer, following the recent death of her friend, bestselling author PD James.

“It sounds like an unlikely plot from one of their own novels, but it is true that our enquires were prompted by a social media report,” confirmed a uniformed police commissioner, whose only apparent qualification for his exalted position seemed to be an ability to panic in the face of a hostile press; and thus provide an object of scorn for the investigating officers.

“The killer is at large, but there is no need to panic, unless you are the author of character based crime fiction set in the UK with a quirky but well-meaning police inspector as the hero,” he continued. Continue reading

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Health scare at Harold knitting circle as members found to have been sharing needles.

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Just say No

Future meetings of the Harold knitting circle have been cancelled following an outbreak of Hepatitis B among the group. Continue reading

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Karma, police: no alarms and no surprises as police that guard royals and politicians turn out to be bent

Gun-cop

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes – quick the custard has ipsos in it

In the last five years over sixty Met police officers in the diplomatic protection squad which guard politicians and royals, yes even Prince Edward, have been done for misconduct.

“It’s weird,” said Assistant Commissioner Mark Rowley. “It’s almost as if when you tell someone they’re superior to the rest of us and allow them to stay in a privileged position unchallenged and pretty much unaccountable for years that they will start to abuse their power more or less by default. And some of the officers guarding these arseholes have behaved quite badly too.” Continue reading

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