Police cuts aren’t linked to rising crime so Amber Rudd gives up her own security officers

“The less I know, the better I like it. Don’t bother me with facts.”

“I was sitting at my desk with my fingers in my ears and my eyes shut as usual, when I had an epiphany” said the Home Secretary today. “Like when I decided to have rich parents, it was a no-brainer. With no link between police numbers and crime it didn’t make sense for me to have armed officers ‘protecting me’ 24/7, so I asked Cressida Dick to move them to other duties. The Downing Street coppers are going next week and traffic police by the end of June.”

Rudd has a no-nonsense approach to work, born out of her down-with-the-kids schooling at Cheltenham Ladies’ College. Although she went on to read History at University, Rudd believes learning from the experience of others is futile. “No, I much prefer to learn from my own foolish decisions instead.”

The Home Secretary’s new initiative to crackdown on drugs, comes after the success of the previous Home Secretary’s crackdown on drugs which was itself built on the success of her predecessor’s crackdown on drugs.

“I haven’t read the outcomes of those crackdowns,” said Rudd “or is the plural cracksdown? Anyway, I haven’t wasted my time reading about them – they probably involved Police Officers who, as we all know, don’t affect crime.”