Category Archives: Intergalactic News

Trump ready to go to Mars for talks with the Martians

“Hmm… it’s worth a try, Spock.”

“China has been ripping us off with their steel and, if we’re not careful, they’ll have all the moon-cheese too,” said Trump. “That is why I have asked NASA to set up Space Patrol, to guard the intergalactic highways, to stop illegal aliens crossing Earth’s atmosphere and to protect against the theft of all the Kryptonite.”

Having recently travelled to N Korea to give the ‘jolly fat rocket-man’ an earful, Trump has developed a new taste for boldly going where no President has been before.

“I want NASA to fly me to Mars,” he said. “I’ve seen pictures of it and it definitely looks a bit red. You don’t need a degree in astrophysics to know what that means. And why are the Martians green? Are they naive climate-control freaks? It’s obvious to me they’re a threat and sooner or later they will invade. That’s why I need to get up there and do a deal with them.” Continue reading

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Mice opt to restore Earth to an earlier point and run 2016 again


At this point would anyone mind if the Vogons turned up and did their thing?

Mice, the hyper-intelligent pan-dimensional beings who paid for the computer we all live on, have decided to hit system restore and run 2016 again. Continue reading

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Scientists close to explaining Donald Trump

Do not adjust your TV set.

Do not adjust your TV set.

“For decades, scientists were unable to explain Black Holes,” said Professor Brian Cox, “especially the super massive ones, but then we solved it.  Well, Trump is like a super massive Orange Hole.  Metaphorically speaking.”

Various tests have been run at CERN and lots of scientists have been writing long equations on multiple backboards, working at the very edge of reality.

“Of course we already know that Donald Trump does not exist in the normal sense of the word,” said the Professor, “but that alone may not stop him becoming President.  The current hypothesis is that he is somehow the product of the collective American Mind.”

“But we’re not quite sure yet whether to describe him as a figment of the imagination or a pigment of the imagination.” Continue reading

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Bowl of petunias found stranded on Norfolk beach.


A Forensic Artist’s rendering of how the bowl of Petunias might have looked, before impact

As if dealing with stranded sperm whales wasn’t enough, bewildered Norfolk locals were today confronted with an angry looking bowl of petunias on a beach near Hunstanton.

Cockle picker Silas Thurlby found the unusual item after hearing what a long wailing noise which he describes as sounding like someone shouting “Oh no, not again” while falling from a great height.

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Raft of exciting new features promised for Laws of Physics II

Happy New Year

Happy New Year

The long-awaited sequel to The Laws of Physics may be just around the corner – or, more accurately, the bend – say excited scientists at the Large Hadron Collider.

Following a massive upgrade of the CERN facility in 2015, Prof. Brian Cox has been speaking to Harold sustainable energy enthusiast Dr John Goody about the next generation of physics and the role of minuscule particles.

“There was a time when the Higgs was the smallest thing imaginable,” Prof. Cox told him, “but after a few more collisions, it turns out to be a relative galaxy compared with the teeny-weeny fragments we’ve now smashed it into. You know, some of these particles are almost as small as the level of funding British scientists get from the government.”

“The thing with these bits is that they’re so very tiny, they slip through the enforcement net of Standard Model Laws. But fortunately they are not the anarchists we originally thought but operate instead according to their own set of rather bizarre rules.”

Once classified as Mischievous Little Rogue Particles with a Rebellious Nature, it is now thought that they operate according to the Law of Utter Unpredictability, the so-called ‘British Weather Law’.

There is however a ‘dark’ side to the new physics.

“Some of these particles are pretty fundamental,” said Cox, “and we all know that any sort of fundamentalism can be a dangerous thing. Only last week we caught a bunch of naughty little quarks trying to set up an Independent State inside the vacuum left by a retreating photon. The more hawkish scientists were all for blasting them to smithereens, until someone pointed out that that was how they were created. In the end, we found that if we looked the other way and thought out about daisies and kittens, they simply ceased to exist.”

Dr Goody asked Prof. Cox whether electric cars will ever get off the ground.

“No,” said Cox, “but we can expect to see innovative products which will help us in our everyday lives, like this new kettle, for instance, which boils as soon as you start watching it. Ah, tea?”

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Jabba the Hutt pressured to lose 3,500 lbs for new Star Wars movie


Lean and mean

Following the news that Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill were asked to lose weight to reprise their roles in the new Star Wars movie, evil space gangster Jabba the Hutt has claimed that he too was pressured to slim down.

“The producers called my agent,” Mr the Hutt revealed today, “And they explained that they were very keen to have my character return, but they’d kind of imagined a much thinner version.”

“Well, I wasn’t happy, but what am I going to do? It’s not like I’m going to let anyone else play Jabba, is it? They had me over a barrel.”

“I know aliens shouldn’t be judged by their size, but to be fair, I am an enormous flabby monster the size of a small planet.”

“3,500 pounds, I had to lose. They might as well have told me to get nicer, because that’s how tough it was.”

Jabba revealed that a strenuous programme of jogging and pilates eventually helped shed that disgusting alien flab, along with a strict diet. Continue reading

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Corbyn fails to refute Time Lord rumours

Corbyn's mission is to save the planet from Tories

Corbyn’s mission is to save the planet from Tories

Jeremy Corbyn, the latest regeneration of the Labour Party leader, has become known as ‘The Doctor’ within the corridors of Labour Central Office for his eccentric behaviour and general unworldliness.

“It started as a bit of a joke because of his likeness to the actor Peter Capaldi and his dislike for wearing a tie” a Labour insider revealed, “but we soon realised that the similarity went beyond his appearance, thanks to his bizarre statements and unintelligible policies.”

“For instance,” continued the bemused insider, “as I was passing the Tardis – as his office is known – I’m almost certain I overheard Jeremy likening Ian Duncan-Smith to a Sontaran who could only be controlled by the evil Davros; and it is common knowledge that he believes the Queen is a Weeping Angel.” Continue reading

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Clearest pictures yet of Pluto captured by local man standing on a dustbin

lampA brave local amateur astronomer who has captured his best ever photograph of demoted planet Pluto following a hazardous mission, has claimed the risks of clambering onto a dustbin in the middle of the night for a better view were well worth taking.

“Despite the risks, I’m delighted with the photographs,” Gerald Snoad said last night after coming out of a ten day period quarantine as a precaution against deep space contamination. “It just goes to show what you can do with some meticulous planning.”

“I believe my photos have captured the loneliness of Pluto, which is essentially an insignificant dot on the horizon, just beyond the Dunstable by-pass.”

It could so easily have been different.  The successful space shot was almost aborted when the council delivered a new wheelie bin to Mr Snoad’s Harold based mission control HQ. Continue reading

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Nasa probe finally measures Piers Morgan’s ego


His nostrils follow you round the room

Piers Morgan’s ego has just been found to be ever so slightly bigger than previously thought, having a diameter of 2,370km.

The measurement was made by the New Horizons probe which is about to flyby the massive bell-end.

Although Nasa’s probe is programmed to measure infinitesimally small objects it may still be unable to register what Morgan knows about phone hacking, dodgy share-dealing or successfully hosting a chat show.

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Eyesight damage fears over Friday’s total eclipse of Brian Cox

Dr. Brian Cox

No smiles from Brian after he learns of his temporary eclipse

Keen skywatchers and other lonely men have been warned not to watch tomorrow’s total eclipse with the naked eye.

The largest glowing orb in the firmament will be temporarily out of sight, as Dara O’Briain passes briefly in front of the cameras focused on Professor Cox’s shiny visage.

John Harris, producer of BBC’s Stargazing explained the moon-faced comic’s relationship with Britain’s smiley-est man “Dara’s been running around Brian since our first series. Having only a scraped ‘pass’ in theoretical physics, he is held in orbit by the gravitational pull of Cox’s many doctorates.”

With a finite amount of cameras, it’s almost inevitable that O’Briain’s studio directions will occasionally take him in front of the pre-eminent star in the galaxy. This will happen again tomorrow but there are dangers for the unwary says Harris.

“Anyone tempted to stare directly at Professor Cox, even in eclipse, must only do so through something really opaque. Super-strong sunglasses, welding goggles or Ed Ball’s plans for the economy.”

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Irish pub opens on Mars


O’Bradbury’s: open 24.39/7

Having entirely conquered the globe serving-up Guinness from Brazzaville to Beijing the phenomenon of the Irish pub has gone intergalactic with the first one opening on Mars.

“It’s not too soon,” said manager Cat Magill. “It’s never too soon for a wee place with black-and-white pictures on the wall of people looking really miserable toiling in some fields or slightly miserable watching camogie which idiots think it’s more ‘authentic’ than other pubs.” Continue reading

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Big Sneeze Theory: local cosmologist ‘in with a shout for a Nobel’

Cosmic Microwave Background.  Now wash your hands.

Cosmic Microwave Background. Now wash your hands.

The beginning of the Universe has always perplexed the human mind.

But new findings by some of the most powerful telescopes in the world have given credence to the Big Sneeze Theory first propounded by Harold cosmologist Alec Fairchild ten years ago in the Squirrel Lickers’ Arms.

‘Professor’ Fairchild, as he’s known locally, has put in his claim for a Nobel Prize, supported by Eddie, landlord of the SLA.  “I remember it well,” Eddie told the Evening Harold, “he was expounding his sneezing theory left, right and centre.  In the end, I had to ask him to leave to prevent a flu epidemic.”

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Scientology couple win right to marry while shovelling all their money into giant hungry furnace


For richer or poorer. OK, poorer.

A couple have won a Supreme Court challenge allowing them to marry in a Church of Scientology chapel in London while simultaneously shovelling thousands of their hard-earned pounds into the heartless maw of a ravenous furnace.

Louisa Naive launched legal action after officials refused to register a Church of Scientology chapel in central London as a place for marriage for her and fiancé Thicko Oneborneveryminute on the legal grounds that Scientology was “a load of slimy bollocks only interested in ripping the money out of foolish people’s wallets until like vampire’s prey they expire drained of every last drop of wealth”.
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Rosetta spacecraft wakes up half a billion miles away and asks ‘did I leave the gas on?’


A spacecraft that has been in hibernation and is half a billion miles away has ‘woken up’ and made contact with the European Space Agency asking “did I leave the gas on”.

The Rosseta spacecraft left the earth in 2004 and was put to sleep 31 months ago to conserve energy, but all its time in hibernation it has had a niggling feeling it may not have turned the gas off.

“It woke up late Monday afternoon,” Gerhard Schwehm, mission manager for Rosetta, said. “We sent messages to check the equipment but it just replied ‘oh bugger’.”

“A quick check showed that the gas had been left on as well as the landing light. With energy prices constantly rising since 2004, the cost of the project to land a craft on a moving asteroid has now doubled.”

However, the extortionate bills are the least of the teams problems. Whilst catching up on the last 31 months the spacecraft has had to deal with news of Jimmy Savile’s death and subsequent discoveries, the horse meat scandal, and finding out Russell Brand is now seen as a credible political voice.

“It could just about handle all that,” Schwehm continues, “but ithas decided to shut back down and crash into the sun after being told Jim Davidson was back on television.”

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Lunar robot ‘planning Christmas firework display’


China may one day put a pyrotechnician on the moon.

A row has broken out between the US and China over a Christmas Day Special Event which was meant to be a surprise for everyone on Earth at Christmas.

The diplomatic row comes after NASA spotted China’s lunar robot placing Roman Candles around the edges of craters on the moon’s surface.  China has complained that NASA just wanted to spoil the surprise because they didn’t think of it.

“The US hasn’t bothered with the moon for many moons,” said Yun-Tsi Tao, head of the Chinese Space Agency.  “Now, all of a sudden, just because we put a robot up there, they’re all goggle-eyed and spoiling the surprise of the Supreme Leader’s gift to the rest of humankind at Christmas, a firework display on the waning gibbous.”

There were fears that the row could escalate after NASA observed the robot flatten the US flag placed on the moon by Neil Armstrong in 1969.  But the situation was defused when the robot carefully put the flag upright again, apparently of its own volition.  “We thought it had a moral conscience for a minute,” said NASA, “but, no.  It nailed a Catherine Wheel on the flagpole.”

NASA has said it had no idea the fireworks were meant to be a surprise, claiming that most people could see what was going on up there with the naked eye.  “I mean, I was looking through a pair of home-made binoculars that my 7-year-old made from a plastic kit,” said NASA spokesman Flt Lt Denver Colorado, “and I had no trouble reading the name of the factory printed on the fireworks.  Boy, they’re big rockets!”

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Particles of Edwin Hubble’s soul discovered by Deep Space Telescope

All kinds of weird shit going on.

All kinds of weird shit going on.

The world of science was left in confusion today after NASA picked up images of particles from the remains of Edwin Hubble.

“What’s really weird” said NASA operative Dr Lucille What “is that the images were beamed back to earth by the deep space imaging device of the same name, the Hubble Telescope.  What we witnessed was nothing short of a family reunion.”

Edwin Hubble died more than 60 years ago.  He had undoubted success with his science work, discovering that there’s a lot more space outside our own Milky Way and that the universe is expanding, but will always be remembered primarily for the role he played in bringing Chicago University basketball team their first silverware.  His basketball skills were put down to his extraordinary ability to zoom in on the target net, seeing it, as he often said, ‘in at least three dimensions’.
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