Category Archives: Food

Church sues Heinz for turning innocent poster into ketchup logo

Do you want friars with that?

Do you want friars with that?

The American church of Saint Tom the Martyr in Tennessee is taking legal action against the enormous Kraft Heinz Company after belatedly realising that the food manufacturer had stolen its logo for the last 140 years and used it on a sauce bottle.

The famous emblem of the church (pictured) shows a stylised version of the cross in green, representing rebirth, against a red background, clearly meant to show the blood of the saviour.

The two red dots represent either the wounds made by the nails which held Jesus to the cross, or a pair of ripe tomatoes, depending on the interpretation.

The logo was a favourite design of pilgrims hundreds of years ago, and has been on display outside the church since 1875.

It was apparently only months later that food entrepreneur Henry Heinz spotted it and realised in a flash that he should add a tomato sauce to his portfolio.

“I saw the ‘catch-up’ line and it rang a bell, somehow,” he explained in his memoir I Copied The Ketchup Logo Off A Church Sign.

“The I saw the ‘lettuce’ and ‘relish’ lines, and that just clicked somehow.”

“But I still had no idea what flavour to make the relish until I read the last line – ‘Cuz He loves me from my head to-ma-toes’ – then it hit me, of course!”

“And after a year of making revolting head flavour relish, I thought I might as well try tomatoes instead. And there we are.”

“Lucky, really.”

As the matter is now in the hands of the lawyers, there was no comment from the church leader, the enigmatic Pastor Mayonnaise.

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Heimlich manoeuvre inventor dies after getting stuck in lion’s throat

"It's more of a gesture"

Heimlich and Ralph, in happier times

US doctor Henry Heimlich, who invented the manoeuvre used to help victims of choking, has died aged 96 after getting lodged in the throat of a lion who was attempting to eat him.

Dr Heimlich expired in the Lion Enclosure of Cincinnati Zoo late on Saturday night after undertaking an ill-advised bet that he could perform his manoeuvre on an actual lion before the age of 97.

Spectators watched in horror as ‘Ralph’, a 400-lb Kalahari lion seized a clearly drunk Heimlich in its jaws and attempted to swallow him whole. Tragically, the former doctor proved too large to fit comfortably down the animal’s throat, leading to the death of both Heimlich and Ralph.

“It’s what he would have wanted,” sobbed a friend. “Being the actual object which caused a fatal choking incident, it’s just so appropriate, somehow.”

“I imagine his only regret would have been that there wasn’t actually anyone around to perform his manoeuvre on the lion. But you can’t have everything.”

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Filed under Food, Medicine, Nature

Channel 4 suspicious about new BBC show ‘Bake British Great Off’

great off

Strangely familiar

Executives at Channel 4 have reacted with ‘suspicion’ to the announcement that the BBC is to launch a new cookery competition featuring Mary Berry, Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc.

Called the ‘Bake British Great Off’, details of the new show are being kept tightly under wraps by the BBC, but it is believed that members of the public will compete to bake cakes in a tent.

“On the face of it, this does sound rather similar to the thing we thought we’d just bought,” admitted Channel 4 boss Jay Hunt. “They have all the same people, baking cakes, in a tent. Even the name seems familiar. We may have missed a trick here.”

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“Because chickens are c****”: Jamie Oliver signs deal with intensive farming company

jamies-fat

“Fuck feathers and fuck you!” Jamie Oliver, 2016

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Lab analysis of local kebab shop chili sauce finds ‘zero semen’ shock

Mystery solved

Mystery solved

Scientists at Dunstable Metropolitan University were stunned by results of a DNA analysis of the chili sauce at local Harold kebab shop I Shish You Not!, when data showed that no human semen was present, a new report revealed today.

“We had always assumed that the employees were rubbing themselves off like a troop of monkeys back there,” commented Dr Pauline Copland, lead food scientist at Dunstable Met where the study was performed.
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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Around Harold, Business, DNA, Food, Health, News, science, spam

We have enough jars of Dolmio now, thank you, say food banks

Before you dump, think it through.

Before you dump, think it through.

Food banks up and down the country now have enough jars of Dolmio pasta sauce to sink an Italian battleship, thanks to the caring generosity of well-meaning do-gooders.

“As soon as I found out just how much sugar and salt they add to the pink sludge, I emptied my cupboards and started pouring the stuff down the sink,” said housewife Daphne Newton.

“Then my teenage daughter pointed out that the amount of precious clean water and costly sink cleaner I was using far outweighed the benefits of recycling the empty jars and demanded I deliver the remaining two dozen jars to the food bank instead.”

“Well, I couldn’t believe my ears when the woman at the food bank said they already had enough of that particular item, thank you.”

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Filed under Around Harold, charity, Food, Health, Lifestyle, News, Shopping, spam

‘Grand National great success’ says Tesco meat department

TescoNationalThe 2016 Grand National at Aintree ended in a triumphant victory for Tesco’s processed meat department, after the majority of meaty contenders ended up swiftly converted into delicious burger and spaghetti meals.

Following last year’s controversy surrounding the use of horse meat in Tesco products, the supermarket refocussed its marketing spend on an aggressively healthy image, in which an active lifestyle is key.

To this end, Tesco is now keen to emphasise the sporting credentials of its meat sources, especially the man-eat-horse world of  National Hunt racing over jumps. Especially races like the Grand National, where most horses die for our sporting pleasure like innocents thrown to lions in a Roman arena, only with more barbecue sauce.

This year’s Grand National saw a convincing victory for the highly-fancied Spicy Meatball (by Nugget out of Burger), with second place going to the much-improved Cottage Pie, who previously struggled over the fences.

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Food industry insists sugar counts towards your 5 a day

Fruit-Drinks

Apparently one of these once saw an apple

After researchers discovered that a typical child’s smoothie contains eight tons of sugar, the food industry has reacted swiftly,  claiming that sugar, being originally from some kind of plant, should count towards your healthy 5 a day.

Children’s fruit drinks usually have packaging featuring cartoon animals and slogans like “WILL NOT MAKE YOU FAT”, and many parents believe these are healthier than other drinks like cola, lemonade or sherry.

However, food scientists have discovered that many of these beverages are actually just bottles full of dry sugar painted orange, and the health benefits may therefore have been exaggerated.

Gavin Behemoth of the British Soft Drinks Association insisted that the ‘drinks’ were actually healthy:

“Sugar is a plant, like lettuce. And after a dab of paint, it’s the same colour. What more proof do you need? I’ve personally been drinking these delicious beverages for years, and look at me. 38 stone, terminal diabetes, and both my legs have dropped off.”

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Filed under Children, Food, Health

Jabba the Hutt pressured to lose 3,500 lbs for new Star Wars movie

jabbathin

Lean and mean

Following the news that Carrie Fisher and Mark Hamill were asked to lose weight to reprise their roles in the new Star Wars movie, evil space gangster Jabba the Hutt has claimed that he too was pressured to slim down.

“The producers called my agent,” Mr the Hutt revealed today, “And they explained that they were very keen to have my character return, but they’d kind of imagined a much thinner version.”

“Well, I wasn’t happy, but what am I going to do? It’s not like I’m going to let anyone else play Jabba, is it? They had me over a barrel.”

“I know aliens shouldn’t be judged by their size, but to be fair, I am an enormous flabby monster the size of a small planet.”

“3,500 pounds, I had to lose. They might as well have told me to get nicer, because that’s how tough it was.”

Jabba revealed that a strenuous programme of jogging and pilates eventually helped shed that disgusting alien flab, along with a strict diet. Continue reading

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Filed under Food, Intergalactic News, Movies

‘Monster’ sprouts ‘basically small cabbages’

sprouts

If you chop them finely, they take up less room in the bin.

Suppliers responsible for this year’s ‘monster’ sprouts have denied that they’re actually disappointing little cabbages.

“People buy sprouts out of a sense of nostalgia, or to please the Baby Jesus”, explained Harold’s Phil Evans. “And until now, they’ve been the main reason Bedfordshire exists.”

Despite their wretched taste and ability to put a downer on even a sausage wrapped in bacon, millions of households across Britain did their duty, and bought the spiteful little vegetables every Christmas.
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Filed under Around Harold, Food

Food banks to open ‘mortgage banks’

foodbank

Man cannot live by rental income alone.

The charities behind food banks are planning to branch out, to help landlords targeted by the chancellor.

Some landlords are down to their last nine or ten houses, and the latest tax increase could hamper their Christmas cruises or trips into space.

“While we do hand out beans and things to people who, on the face of it, are quite poor”, explained Pippa Delaney, “it’s come to our attention that the people who own their homes are also struggling.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy, Food

Health charities slam Domino’s new ‘pizza smoothie’

smoothie

27 of your one a week.

Public health charities are up in arms following Domino’s launch of the ‘pizza smoothie’.

The drink, which consists of three slices of pizza blended with ice-cream and a banana, is being touted as a ‘healthy breakfast’ by the firm, despite containing more than 5,000 calories.

The smoothie is the latest escalation in pizza technology. Dr Oswald Gruber, chief cheese dynamicist for Pizza Hut, started the process when he invented a high pressure cheese lance, capable of forcing super-heated Monterey Jack into any crevice. The ‘cheese-stuffed crust’ was born, closely followed by the Rennie topping.
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Obesity crackdown sees pensioner arrested and sugar with street value of 99p seized

Another day another tasering for PC Flegg

Another day another tasering for PC Flegg

Harold pensioner Elsie Duggan was arrested on charges of possession with intent to supply after being found with a bag of sugar with a street value of 99p.

Police say Miss Duggan, 86, said the sugar was for her own use explaining that she’d always had a sweet tooth, but inquiries soon revealed she was a pusher.
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Food bank donor demands right to veto recipients

The olives of wrath.

Donors to a Harold food bank can now meet the recipients, and snatch things back if they don’t look grateful enough.

Fearing her tubs of anchovy-stuffed olives might end up in the hands of ‘awful families with no manners’, Pippa Delaney won the right to pour scorn on poor people after taking the matter to the European Court of Human Rights.

“I’m not expecting a family that has fallen on hard times to grovel”, said Delaney, “but is it asking too much for a single tear of gratitude?” Mrs Delaney is asking the charity to draw up guidelines for beneficiaries, so they can show their appreciation more effectively. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, charity, Food, News

Tesco launch ‘Pasty for Life’

pasty

Filling, and relatively non-toxic.

A robust meat product that can survive the human digestion system intact has been launched by supermarket giant Tesco.

“Until now, our range of ‘pastry and knees’ snacks have been pretty difficult to digest”, said head of food impersonation Liam Clough.

“So it was just a case of mastering a slightly more acid-resistant glaze, and stream-lining them to get through the tricky bends of the lower intestine.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Culture, Food

Emissions scandal spreads to German sausages and lager

sausage

Emissions have been linked to worrying levels of accordions.

As VW’s executives admit that they sometimes release noxious gases, Germany’s ‘who smelt it dealt it’ scandal has now spread to the important spiced pork industry.

For years, the EC has imposed ever-tougher environmental rules on the sausage. Along with cheap lager, they’re responsible for 60% of tailpipe emissions.

Consumer champion Pippa Delaney explained the deceit.

“It seems that while German manufacturers claim to make a ‘cleaner wiener’, in reality, they’re churning out the same dirty old bangers.”

“I think they were hoping we wouldn’t kick up a stink about this. But this must be followed through, and follow through I will.”
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Filed under environment, Europe, Food

Man’s ‘great night out’ claim scuppered by failure to buy 3am kebab

kebab shopA local man’s claim to have had a ‘great night out’ was scuppered after it emerged there was no photographic evidence of him waking up with a half-eaten 3am kebab on his face.

Jason Mills shared numerous photos of his night out on Facebook, from a big session at the Squirrel Licker’s Arms to a vomit-covered selfie from a Dunstable nightclub disabled toilet. But his morning after euphoria soon evaporated when his brother posted ‘where’s the kebab?’
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Outrage as hygienist eats ‘Cecilia’ the KFC chicken

cecilia

Cecilia was a ‘one off’, although her sister was a chicken bucket.

A dental hygienist has caused international outrage after eating a much-loved factory chicken called Cecilia.

Cecilia had lived to the ripe-old age of 34 days, before she was cut down in her prime fillets.

Loved by everyone who had seen a picture of her on Instagram just after her death, Cecilia was brutally killed to fulfil hygienist Wesley Evan’s sick desires.
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Filed under Around Harold, Farming, Food, Sport

Are spiders the new ‘super food’?

What are you looking at?

One of your eight a day.

Harold’s top faddist has found a new way to live longer, after munching her way through a new range of spiders.

Pippa Delaney claims that spiders contain a substance called ‘arachnodelica’, which can free radicals and either raise or lower lipids, depending on which is better.

“Spiders are nature’s pipe cleaners, so they’re good for the throat”, claimed Delaney. “But only if you don’t cook them first.”
Eaten raw, even a small spider can add a few minutes to your life, claimed the self-styled ‘qualified nutritionist’.
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Deep fried mars bars aren’t bad for you after all, say experts

"My nan had one every day and she lived to the grand age of 39"

“My nan had one every day and she lived to the grand age of 39”

Warnings that the legendary Scottish delicacy, the deep fried mars bar, was unhealthy were based on flawed evidence and should not have been issued, scientists have said.

An article in the BMJ’s Open Heart journal asserts that advice adopted by authorities in the 1980s was politically motivated and was aimed at stamping out ethnic foods at a time when Scottish nationalism was on the rise.

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