Hammond slips the bill into Cameron’s pocket.
Tory Chancellor Philip Hammond may be dreaming up secret plans to get former PM and Chief Engineer of National Division David Cameron to cough up for his treachery and pay the Brexit Bill in full on behalf of the UK people.
“It’s all very well Cameron saying Oh sorry, that didn’t go to plan, byeee,” Hammond told Mrs May, “but he still has to take his share of the responsibility, which is…” pausing to consult his calculator, “one hundred percent of it.”
Move, Phil, move! Is he there?
‘Philip Hammond says that thanks to sound Tory economics, Britain’s Tory voting OAPs are to get a whopping 3% increase in state pensions in 2018.
“Make no mistake, this is great news for the UK.” said the Chancellor speaking from in front of a bright background, so as to be seen.
Nicknamed ‘Dustsheet Phil’ due to his fondness for keeping offshore investments covered up, Continue reading
almost as if they don’t understand what’s really going on
The PM says more people no longer managing highlights the success of her focus on cutting the number of JAMs.
“If you replay my first speech as Prime Minister, you’ll see that I promised to deliver to those who were just about managing.” said Mrs May today, responding to a Resolution Foundation report on the economy.
“And I have delivered. Fewer people just about managing means fewer children living in uncertainty. In their new, more certain status, they know exactly what they’re going to get Continue reading
“Stab her in the front or the back? Today or tomorrow?” Boris weighs up his options
Boris Johnson is the latest top Tory to feign concern for public sector staff as a screen for a leadership bid.
“Our fantastic nurses, firefighters, police, some others I can’t think of. I’ve got the notes here, somewhere.” he said, patting his pockets and acting the roguish Continue reading
Mrs May negotiating a chip.
The Conservative Party has started its campaign of checking the quality of chips in every town in the country.
“I have been absolutely clear right from the start that the foundation of a strong economy is a good plate of chips,” she told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.
“Historically, we’ve always been a nation built on potatoes and we welcome the diversity of modern potato products, like crisps and waffles, along with the more traditional formats, such as roast potatoes and, of course, chips. Not to mention jacket potatoes, which provide not only carbohydrates but also clothing for poor people.” Continue reading
Is he awake?
Living embodiment of a heavy mogadon overdose in human form, Philip Hammond, has dropped plans to increase NI rates for the self-employed.
“I’ve listened to the negative comments of the Daily Mail and its readers and acted accordingly.” said Chancellor Hammond, adding, “I’m not a fool!”.
“I now realise Continue reading
Saving it all for a rainy day.
Language experts have welcomed Philip Hammond’s use of simplified English to explain esoteric financial matters to the general public.
“I struggle to avoid glazing over when economists refer to complex fiscal concepts like ‘contingency fund’,” said literary critic Peter Pentop, “but the idea of putting petrol in the tank before embarking on a car journey suddenly makes everything clear. I guess he’s putting up fuel duty from midnight.”
Dilnot, ruining everything for the nation. It’s number 11, you idiot!
The TV news build-up to the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement was ruined for many today, when a BBC reporter stood outside Number 10 Downing St. in error.
Alec Fairchild, a man who usually gets his political insight from the Mail and Sky News, tuned into BBC today, by mistake, and was completely thrown by finding himself staring at Theresa May’s front door.
“Typical bloody lefty BBC, all that public money and they still can’t get it right,” fumed Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “this is exactly why I don’t pay the licence fee.” Continue reading
We give it six months before it’s this or a loaf of bread costing £200 billion
As the value of the pound drops faster than the all new Shadow Cabinet’s approval ratings the UK has adopted bags and wrappers from Greggs as an alternate currency.
“This new approach is exactly where Brexit Britain should be according to my financial planning,” said abyss that stares back, Philip Hammond. “There’s no cause for concern and globally this country in no way looks like a howling mess pushed into crisis by suggestible bigots. Greggs wrappers are fine, just fine. Everything is fine.”
The new currency will inevitably put strain on the NHS as people gorge themselves even fatter on pasties to get Greggs bags however at a press conference later today Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage are expected to announce that the NHS will be getting an extra three hundred and fifty million bags a week so there’s nothing to worry about.
Our borrowing and spending is different from Labour’s because reasons
Philip Hammond says that his planned spending on infrastructure is wise and pragmatic, unlike Labour’s planned spending on infrastructure, which is another example of failed left-wing idealogy.
“We’ll build homes,” he said “where Labour planned to piss taxpayers’ money up the wall by building homes. We’ll improve transport links, where Labour planned to spunk away hard working families’ cash Continue reading
Waiting for the Gangmaster for their first compulsory work detail
The silver-surfer generation woke up this morning, overjoyed by being alive, by winning the referendum, and by the prospect of the hard work of rebuilding the country.
“Not me though, love.” chuckled pensioner Elsie Duggan of Harold’s Over-The-Hill Nursing Home. “The youngsters will do it, won’t they? Those nice Polish plumbers down the road, for starters, their daughters are both carers here, you know.”
Alright, maybe not everyone
As shops close, the cost of living goes up and George Osborne stands like the captain of the Titanic bellowing at passers-by ‘There is no iceberg, stop panicking about nothing. My steady hand is on the wheel’, people are realising that there’s a high chance capitalism has gone utterly bobbins. Continue reading
Filed under Deficit, Economy
Sadly, they’re all walking past, not going in
Social media and newspaper columns are full of people claiming a profound love for BHS and Austin Reed which in no way extends to actually going to either shop and spending some money.
“BHS? It’s iconic!” enthused local media and trend analyst, Dr Lizzie Philips. “It’s right there in the name, British Home Stores, fantastic! Shopping with your nan, pic ‘n’ mix from Woolies, jumper from C&A, hi-fi from Rumbelows on your Christmas list and then finish off with tea in BHS. Perfect. Have I gone near BHS since I had a choice? Dear god no, it’s not exactly my scene.” Continue reading
“Incredibly, he even boasted about it,” says George Osborne
Media attention was diverted away from the Mossack Fonseca revelations today, following a leak of information from the UK Treasury Office which appears to implicate a former Labour Chancellor in what George Osborne described as the ‘biggest financial scam ever’.
“Gordon Brown siphoned off millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money into a secret tax haven known only by its codename,” said a communiqué issued by the Treasury. “They called it The Public Purse.”
This time I’ve cracked it!
Following the news that the UK’s national deficit has risen to its highest level ever under the Conservative government, Chancellor George Osborne has admitted that he only recently learned that it was supposed to be going down, not up.
“I supposed it’s a bit embarrassing,” he confessed to journalists this morning. “I thought a deficit was like a DEPOSIT, something you want more of.”
“So I’ve been trying to make it go higher – very successfully, I thought. I just goes to show you never know.”
No hands on the wheel!
After months of testing, tax-avoiding giant Google has launched the first fully-driverless government, in which all the difficult decisions are taken out of the hands of error-prone politicians.
For the first time, actions usually associated with running a country will instead be remotely controlled by Google, meaning a huge reduction in errors such as trying to claim unpaid corporation tax.
“Even the best politician is liable to make mistakes,” explained a Google spokesperson. “And in the worst cases, these errors can result in significant damage to our profits.”
“Now with the driverless government, all the decision making can be left to us, safe in the knowledge that we know what’s best. For us.”
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve a housing estate to build, single-handed
As the world’s economy teeters on the brink of another crash, the Chancellor has identified that the blame lies with Jeremy Corbyn. “It’s his fault. Oh, and Liam Byrne, do you remember – ‘I’m afraid there’s no money’?, that’s him.”
Mr Osborne is angry that his successful long-term economic plan is being put at risk, by the Labour leader’s reckless meddling with the world’s economic levers. Continue reading
Man cannot live by rental income alone.
The charities behind food banks are planning to branch out, to help landlords targeted by the chancellor.
Some landlords are down to their last nine or ten houses, and the latest tax increase could hamper their Christmas cruises or trips into space.
“While we do hand out beans and things to people who, on the face of it, are quite poor”, explained Pippa Delaney, “it’s come to our attention that the people who own their homes are also struggling.”