Category Archives: Economy

Autumn Statement build-up “ruined” by reporter standing outside No.10 Downing Street

giles-dilnot

Dilnot, ruining everything for the nation. It’s number 11, you idiot!

The TV news build-up to the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement was ruined for many today, when a BBC reporter stood outside Number 10 Downing St. in error.

Alec Fairchild, a man who usually gets his political insight from the Mail and Sky News, tuned into BBC today, by mistake, and was completely thrown by finding himself staring at Theresa May’s front door.

“Typical bloody lefty BBC, all that public money and they still can’t get it right,” fumed Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “this is exactly why I don’t pay the licence fee.” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Economy, News, Politics

Pound continues to fall: Greggs bags now legal tender

rsz_greggs-paper-bag-pic-2-9th-june-2015

We give it six months before it’s this or a loaf of bread costing £200 billion

As the value of the pound drops faster than the all new Shadow Cabinet’s approval ratings the UK has adopted bags and wrappers from Greggs as an alternate currency.

“This new approach is exactly where Brexit Britain should be according to my financial planning,” said abyss that stares back, Philip Hammond. “There’s no cause for concern and globally this country in no way looks like a howling mess pushed into crisis by suggestible bigots. Greggs wrappers are fine, just fine. Everything is fine.”

The new currency will inevitably put strain on the NHS as people gorge themselves even fatter on pasties to get Greggs bags however at a press conference later today Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage are expected to announce that the NHS will be getting an extra three hundred and fifty million bags a week so there’s nothing to worry about.

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Chancellor: Tory borrowing to invest is “completely different” from Labour borrowing to invest

hammond

Our borrowing and spending is different from Labour’s because reasons

Philip Hammond says that his planned spending on infrastructure is wise and pragmatic, unlike Labour’s planned spending on infrastructure, which is another example of failed left-wing idealogy.

“We’ll build homes,” he said “where Labour planned to piss taxpayers’ money up the wall by building homes. We’ll improve transport links, where Labour planned to spunk away hard working families’ cash Continue reading

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Filed under Deficit, Economy, News, Politics

Delighted pensioners roll up their sleeves to create a vibrant new economy

oaps

Waiting for the Gangmaster for their first compulsory work detail

The silver-surfer generation woke up this morning, overjoyed by being alive, by winning the referendum, and by the prospect of the hard work of rebuilding the country.

“Not me though, love.” chuckled pensioner Elsie Duggan of Harold’s Over-The-Hill Nursing Home. “The youngsters will do it, won’t they? Those nice Polish plumbers down the road, for starters, their daughters are both carers here, you know.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy, News, referendum

Everyone now agreed that capitalism is a bit bollocks

arseholes

Alright, maybe not everyone

As shops close, the cost of living goes up and George Osborne stands like the captain of the Titanic bellowing at passers-by ‘There is no iceberg, stop panicking about nothing. My steady hand is on the wheel’, people are realising that there’s a high chance capitalism has gone utterly bobbins. Continue reading

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Filed under Deficit, Economy

I love BHS and Austin Reed, say millions who would never, ever shop there

newbhsxx_2818653a

Sadly, they’re all walking past, not going in

Social media and newspaper columns are full of people claiming a profound love for BHS and Austin Reed which in no way extends to actually going to either shop and spending some money.

“BHS? It’s iconic!” enthused local media and trend analyst, Dr Lizzie Philips. “It’s right there in the name, British Home Stores, fantastic! Shopping with your nan, pic ‘n’ mix from Woolies, jumper from C&A, hi-fi from Rumbelows on your Christmas list and then finish off with tea in BHS. Perfect. Have I gone near BHS since I had a choice? Dear god no, it’s not exactly my scene.” Continue reading

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Gordon Brown ‘siphoned off millions into tax haven,’ say Tories

browningarden

“Incredibly, he even boasted about it,” says George Osborne

Media attention was diverted away from the Mossack Fonseca revelations today, following a leak of information from the UK Treasury Office which appears to implicate a former Labour Chancellor in what George Osborne described as the ‘biggest financial scam ever’.

“Gordon Brown siphoned off millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money into a secret tax haven known only by its codename,” said a communiqué issued by the Treasury. “They called it The Public Purse.”

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Crime, Economy, Labour, Media, Politics, Tony Blair

“I thought deficit was supposed to go up” admits Osborne

George-Osborne UP

This time I’ve cracked it!

Following the news that the UK’s national deficit has risen to its highest level ever under the Conservative government, Chancellor George Osborne has admitted that he only recently learned that it was supposed to be going down, not up.

“I supposed it’s a bit embarrassing,” he confessed to journalists this morning. “I thought a deficit was like a DEPOSIT, something you want more of.”

“So I’ve been trying to make it go higher – very successfully, I thought. I just goes to show you never know.”

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Filed under Deficit, Economy, idiots

Google launches driverless government in UK

google cameron

No hands on the wheel!

After months of testing, tax-avoiding giant Google has launched the first fully-driverless government, in which all the difficult decisions are taken out of the hands of error-prone politicians.

For the first time, actions usually associated with running a country will instead be remotely controlled by Google, meaning a huge reduction in errors such as trying to claim unpaid corporation tax.

“Even the best politician is liable to make mistakes,” explained a Google spokesperson. “And in the worst cases, these errors can result in significant damage to our profits.”

“Now with the driverless government, all the decision making can be left to us, safe in the knowledge that we know what’s best. For us.”

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Filed under Economy, Politics, Technology

Corbyn-inspired oil price slump ‘a threat to UK recovery’ says Osborne

George-Osborne-hiviz

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve a housing estate to build, single-handed

As the world’s economy teeters on the brink of another crash, the Chancellor has identified that the blame lies with Jeremy Corbyn. “It’s his fault. Oh, and Liam Byrne, do you remember – ‘I’m afraid there’s no money’?, that’s him.”

Mr Osborne is angry that his successful long-term economic plan is being put at risk, by the Labour leader’s reckless meddling with the world’s economic levers. Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, International News, News, Politics

Food banks to open ‘mortgage banks’

foodbank

Man cannot live by rental income alone.

The charities behind food banks are planning to branch out, to help landlords targeted by the chancellor.

Some landlords are down to their last nine or ten houses, and the latest tax increase could hamper their Christmas cruises or trips into space.

“While we do hand out beans and things to people who, on the face of it, are quite poor”, explained Pippa Delaney, “it’s come to our attention that the people who own their homes are also struggling.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy, Food

Spiralling Trident cost ‘down to supply and demand’ reassures Osborne

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Filed under Economy, War

China gives UK 99 year lease on new Houses of Parliament

parliament building

The proud new building should stand for at least another 10 years and 1 month.

David Cameron has saved £7bn on the cost of restoring the Houses of Parliament, by granting the contract to China.

For the mere informality of signing over the freehold, politicians will have somewhere to sit for the next 99 years.

“This is excellent news for the UK tax payer”, said Cameron. “They’re even throwing in a big ‘tribute’ iWatch to replace Big Ben.”
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Filed under Business, Economy

Osborne warned against yachting holidays after Maxwellising Local Government pensions

george-osborne-looking-mad

89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer has promised to bring tried-and-tested private sector pension-fiddling to the public sector.

Mr Osborne’s Conservative conference speech today was peppered with trademark off-the-cuff humorous quips and interrupted by literally seconds of applause, from up to a dozen of his audience at a time.

“I’ve found new ways to fund the British infrastructure.” he told a spellbound audience. “We’ve 89 different local government pension funds, that’s just over a hundred. Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, News, Politics

Corbyn fails to rule out Dog Tax

corbyn

Corbyn holds up an invisible dachshund.

Pundits have noted that Jeremy Corbyn failed to rule out a punitive dog tax during his keynote conference speech.

A dog tax, which would unfairly hit owners of dogs, is likely to be very unpopular amongst the dog owning community.

Throughout his time as prime minister, David Cameron has never once raised the prospect of punishing those with canine assets, although it wasn’t specifically ruled out in the Tory manifesto.
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Filed under Economy, Politics

Mothball factory put into some kind of temporary stasis

mothballs

Near-spherical insect repellers.

A global decline in the demand for mothballs has caused a local factory to be closed, but left in a state which would enable it to be reopened if future circumstances allow.

The job losses will only add to the village’s employment woes. Last month, three scrapheap workers were made redundant, and put on a list of people who would definitely never work again in the recycling industry.

“I feel as though I’ve been discarded, figuratively speaking”, said Linda Bleak. “You could say my future earning potential has been severely reduced.”
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Filed under Business, Economy

Chancellor: this will hurt you more than… actually it’s just going to hurt

cameron-osborne-laughing

George and Dave listen to Labour’s response

The first Tory budget since 1996 aims for rich people to keep more of the cash they’ve got from poor people. “We’ve a lot of years to make up but it’s much much more than just revenge.” insists George Osborne.

“It’s also about stopping the poor getting any of the cash that belongs to us. Continue reading

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Greece leaves tiny horse outside Brussels: creditors back it to win at Chepstow

pony

Who would put a pony on Greece?

In a last desperate throw of the dice, Greece has left a small, timber-clad pony on the steps of Brussels.

Always ones to look a gift-horse in the mouth, creditors refused to drag it inside and instead bet heavily on it to win at the ten to midnight handicap at Chepstow.

“We weren’t expecting that”, admitted Greek PM Alexis Tsipras.”We’d rather banked on them popping it into the vault.”
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Filed under Economy, Europe

Lib/Lab leaders look forward to the next 100 days left in office.

job centre

I want to be an engine driver. Woo woo!

With only 100 days until what is expected by nobody to be a closely fought general election, both Labour leader Ed Miliband and his Lib Dem rival, Nick Clegg have stated how excited they are at the prospect of a further 100 days remaining in charge of their respective parties. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, Economy, Election 2015, Election 2015, Media, News, Politics

Public services cut to 1930s level: Chancellor makes time travel suck

Class divide- Two Eton schoolboys are appraised by three young cockneys outside Lord's in June 1937 as part of class distinction study

England 1937 and today

George Osborne has sent his autumn statement spending plans to the possibly ironically named Office for Budget Responsibility setting the course for the smallest public service spending since the 1930s. Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, Politics