Category Archives: Economy

Brexit invoice ‘to be forwarded to David Cameron’

Hammond slips the bill into Cameron’s pocket.

Tory Chancellor Philip Hammond may be dreaming up secret plans to get former PM and Chief Engineer of National Division David Cameron to cough up for his treachery and pay the Brexit Bill in full on behalf of the UK people.

“It’s all very well Cameron saying Oh sorry, that didn’t go to plan, byeee,” Hammond told Mrs May, “but he still has to take his share of the responsibility, which is…” pausing to consult his calculator, “one hundred percent of it.”

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Filed under Brexit, Economy, EU referendum

Great news for OAPs’ says Hammond, as inflation soars

Move, Phil, move! Is he there?

‘Philip Hammond says that thanks to sound Tory economics, Britain’s Tory voting OAPs are to get a whopping 3% increase in state pensions in 2018.

“Make no mistake, this is great news for the UK.” said the Chancellor speaking from in front of a bright background, so as to be seen.

Nicknamed ‘Dustsheet Phil’ due to his fondness for keeping offshore investments covered up, Continue reading

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Filed under Economy

May welcomes reduction in JAMs & increase in No Longer Managings

almost as if they don’t understand what’s really going on

The PM says more people no longer managing highlights the success of her focus on cutting the number of JAMs.

“If you replay my first speech as Prime Minister, you’ll see that I promised to deliver to those who were just about managing.” said Mrs May today, responding to a Resolution Foundation report on the economy.

“And I have delivered. Fewer people just about managing means fewer children living in uncertainty. In their new, more certain status, they know exactly what they’re going to get Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, News, Politics

Boris Johnson favours raising cap on saying anything to get himself made PM

“Stab her in the front or the back? Today or tomorrow?” Boris weighs up his options

Boris Johnson is the latest top Tory to feign concern for public sector staff as a screen for a leadership bid.

“Our fantastic nurses, firefighters, police, some others I can’t think of. I’ve got the notes here, somewhere.” he said, patting his pockets and acting the roguish Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, News, Politics

PM: UK is world’s 5th biggest economy but only when it suits me to say so

The UK economy is what I say it is, right? Do you want some?

Mrs May has confirmed that the UK’s economy is huge but only when she’s lying about a happy-ever-after Tory Brexit which, to be fair, is most of the time.

“We’re big players with a proud history of international trade. True, that was mostly when we had massive technological advantages, backed up with military superiority, neither of which Continue reading

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Filed under Deficit, Economy, Election 2017, News

Labour counter Tories’ Strong and Stable tag with #StringandStubble

Corbyn and McDonnell show us the size of their imaginary balls of string.

The Labour media team has launched the Party’s election tag #StringandStubble in a direct hit on the Tories’ #StrongandStable.

Appearing on Channel 4 News, Chancellor-in-Waiting John McDonnell told Jon Snow that very few people had a clue what ‘Strong and Stable’ was all about.

“Perhaps it appeals to people who own a fleet of pedigree racehorses,” he said, “but the vast majority of people want something a bit less rolling hills and open countryside.”

“Labour believes that every man, woman and child has the right to own their own ball of string. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Civil rights, Economy, Election 2017, Labour, Politics, Social media

Mrs May pledges buckets of chips for everyone

Mrs May negotiating a chip.

The Conservative Party has started its campaign of checking the quality of chips in every town in the country.

“I have been absolutely clear right from the start that the foundation of a strong economy is a good plate of chips,” she told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.

“Historically, we’ve always been a nation built on potatoes and we welcome the diversity of modern potato products, like crisps and waffles, along with the more traditional formats, such as roast potatoes and, of course, chips.  Not to mention jacket potatoes, which provide not only carbohydrates but also clothing for poor people.” Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, Civil rights, Economy, environment, Europe, Farming, Food, Lifestyle, Politics

Chancellor responds to Daily Mail’s instructions

Is he awake?

Living embodiment of a heavy mogadon overdose in human form, Philip Hammond, has dropped plans to increase NI rates for the self-employed.

“I’ve listened to the negative comments of the Daily Mail and its readers and acted accordingly.” said Chancellor Hammond, adding, “I’m not a fool!”.

“I now realise Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, News, Politics

Literary critics hail Chancellor’s petrol tank analogy

Saving it all for a rainy day.

Language experts have welcomed Philip Hammond’s use of simplified English to explain esoteric financial matters to the general public.

“I struggle to avoid glazing over when economists refer to complex fiscal concepts like ‘contingency fund’,” said literary critic Peter Pentop, “but the idea of putting petrol in the tank before embarking on a car journey suddenly makes everything clear. I guess he’s putting up fuel duty from midnight.”
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Filed under Business, Economy, Europe, Labour, NHS, Politics, Society

Autumn Statement build-up “ruined” by reporter standing outside No.10 Downing Street

giles-dilnot

Dilnot, ruining everything for the nation. It’s number 11, you idiot!

The TV news build-up to the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement was ruined for many today, when a BBC reporter stood outside Number 10 Downing St. in error.

Alec Fairchild, a man who usually gets his political insight from the Mail and Sky News, tuned into BBC today, by mistake, and was completely thrown by finding himself staring at Theresa May’s front door.

“Typical bloody lefty BBC, all that public money and they still can’t get it right,” fumed Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “this is exactly why I don’t pay the licence fee.” Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Economy, News, Politics

Pound continues to fall: Greggs bags now legal tender

rsz_greggs-paper-bag-pic-2-9th-june-2015

We give it six months before it’s this or a loaf of bread costing £200 billion

As the value of the pound drops faster than the all new Shadow Cabinet’s approval ratings the UK has adopted bags and wrappers from Greggs as an alternate currency.

“This new approach is exactly where Brexit Britain should be according to my financial planning,” said abyss that stares back, Philip Hammond. “There’s no cause for concern and globally this country in no way looks like a howling mess pushed into crisis by suggestible bigots. Greggs wrappers are fine, just fine. Everything is fine.”

The new currency will inevitably put strain on the NHS as people gorge themselves even fatter on pasties to get Greggs bags however at a press conference later today Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage are expected to announce that the NHS will be getting an extra three hundred and fifty million bags a week so there’s nothing to worry about.

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Chancellor: Tory borrowing to invest is “completely different” from Labour borrowing to invest

hammond

Our borrowing and spending is different from Labour’s because reasons

Philip Hammond says that his planned spending on infrastructure is wise and pragmatic, unlike Labour’s planned spending on infrastructure, which is another example of failed left-wing idealogy.

“We’ll build homes,” he said “where Labour planned to piss taxpayers’ money up the wall by building homes. We’ll improve transport links, where Labour planned to spunk away hard working families’ cash Continue reading

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Filed under Deficit, Economy, News, Politics

Delighted pensioners roll up their sleeves to create a vibrant new economy

oaps

Waiting for the Gangmaster for their first compulsory work detail

The silver-surfer generation woke up this morning, overjoyed by being alive, by winning the referendum, and by the prospect of the hard work of rebuilding the country.

“Not me though, love.” chuckled pensioner Elsie Duggan of Harold’s Over-The-Hill Nursing Home. “The youngsters will do it, won’t they? Those nice Polish plumbers down the road, for starters, their daughters are both carers here, you know.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy, News, referendum

Everyone now agreed that capitalism is a bit bollocks

arseholes

Alright, maybe not everyone

As shops close, the cost of living goes up and George Osborne stands like the captain of the Titanic bellowing at passers-by ‘There is no iceberg, stop panicking about nothing. My steady hand is on the wheel’, people are realising that there’s a high chance capitalism has gone utterly bobbins. Continue reading

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Filed under Deficit, Economy

I love BHS and Austin Reed, say millions who would never, ever shop there

newbhsxx_2818653a

Sadly, they’re all walking past, not going in

Social media and newspaper columns are full of people claiming a profound love for BHS and Austin Reed which in no way extends to actually going to either shop and spending some money.

“BHS? It’s iconic!” enthused local media and trend analyst, Dr Lizzie Philips. “It’s right there in the name, British Home Stores, fantastic! Shopping with your nan, pic ‘n’ mix from Woolies, jumper from C&A, hi-fi from Rumbelows on your Christmas list and then finish off with tea in BHS. Perfect. Have I gone near BHS since I had a choice? Dear god no, it’s not exactly my scene.” Continue reading

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Filed under Economy

Gordon Brown ‘siphoned off millions into tax haven,’ say Tories

browningarden

“Incredibly, he even boasted about it,” says George Osborne

Media attention was diverted away from the Mossack Fonseca revelations today, following a leak of information from the UK Treasury Office which appears to implicate a former Labour Chancellor in what George Osborne described as the ‘biggest financial scam ever’.

“Gordon Brown siphoned off millions of pounds of taxpayers’ money into a secret tax haven known only by its codename,” said a communiqué issued by the Treasury. “They called it The Public Purse.”

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Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Crime, Economy, Labour, Media, Politics, Tony Blair

“I thought deficit was supposed to go up” admits Osborne

George-Osborne UP

This time I’ve cracked it!

Following the news that the UK’s national deficit has risen to its highest level ever under the Conservative government, Chancellor George Osborne has admitted that he only recently learned that it was supposed to be going down, not up.

“I supposed it’s a bit embarrassing,” he confessed to journalists this morning. “I thought a deficit was like a DEPOSIT, something you want more of.”

“So I’ve been trying to make it go higher – very successfully, I thought. I just goes to show you never know.”

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Filed under Deficit, Economy, idiots

Google launches driverless government in UK

google cameron

No hands on the wheel!

After months of testing, tax-avoiding giant Google has launched the first fully-driverless government, in which all the difficult decisions are taken out of the hands of error-prone politicians.

For the first time, actions usually associated with running a country will instead be remotely controlled by Google, meaning a huge reduction in errors such as trying to claim unpaid corporation tax.

“Even the best politician is liable to make mistakes,” explained a Google spokesperson. “And in the worst cases, these errors can result in significant damage to our profits.”

“Now with the driverless government, all the decision making can be left to us, safe in the knowledge that we know what’s best. For us.”

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Filed under Economy, Politics, Technology

Corbyn-inspired oil price slump ‘a threat to UK recovery’ says Osborne

George-Osborne-hiviz

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve a housing estate to build, single-handed

As the world’s economy teeters on the brink of another crash, the Chancellor has identified that the blame lies with Jeremy Corbyn. “It’s his fault. Oh, and Liam Byrne, do you remember – ‘I’m afraid there’s no money’?, that’s him.”

Mr Osborne is angry that his successful long-term economic plan is being put at risk, by the Labour leader’s reckless meddling with the world’s economic levers. Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, International News, News, Politics

Food banks to open ‘mortgage banks’

foodbank

Man cannot live by rental income alone.

The charities behind food banks are planning to branch out, to help landlords targeted by the chancellor.

Some landlords are down to their last nine or ten houses, and the latest tax increase could hamper their Christmas cruises or trips into space.

“While we do hand out beans and things to people who, on the face of it, are quite poor”, explained Pippa Delaney, “it’s come to our attention that the people who own their homes are also struggling.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Economy, Food