Boris Johnson favours raising cap on saying anything to get himself made PM

“Stab her in the front or the back? Today or tomorrow?” Boris weighs up his options

Boris Johnson is the latest top Tory to feign concern for public sector staff as a screen for a leadership bid.

“Our fantastic nurses, firefighters, police, some others I can’t think of. I’ve got the notes here, somewhere.” he said, patting his pockets and acting the roguish bumbler role he’s made his own for many years.

“This is about job security, in particular that of yours truly, good old Boris. Whiff waff, whiff whaff.” Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson went on. “Whiff whaff, whiff whaff, will that do?”

“I am also terribly, terribly concerned about students as I’ve just realised that they can vote. Even the ones at ex-polys, a statement I can’t make without laughing.”

Johnson says he only learned of the 1% pay cap on Sunday and thinks something should be done to ease the resulting suffering. “Many colleagues suffered a huge fall in their majority on 8th June; some even lost their seats”.

Questioned about nurses using food banks, Johnson promptly invented the line; “That’s news to me”.

“Can’t they eat cake?” he later asked, through a mouth full of cake “It’s very good. This is my fourth slice.”