Category Archives: Defence

Jeremy Corbyn’s newspaper delivery boy offered shadow cabinet post

Not very happy. Kyle hoped for Defence portfolio

Resignations and rebellions have led Jeremy Corbyn to cast his net wider to fill his shadow cabinet. Corbyn has high hopes that 14 year-old Kyle Jones, who delivers his morning newspapers, will be his latest recruit.

“Kyle may be young but he has nearly two years work experience, which is more than the few Labour MPs I’ve not yet tried.”

Corbyn has offered Kyle the post of Shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury, to give him a broad overview of all areas before moving him to be Shadow Home Secretary the next time Diane Abbott gets, or becomes, another headache. So, some time next week. Continue reading

Comments Off on Jeremy Corbyn’s newspaper delivery boy offered shadow cabinet post

Filed under Defence, Politics

Government to explain why missile that could kill millions is essential for peace

trident_2618200b-large_trans++pJliwavx4coWFCaEkEsb3kvxIt-lGGWCWqwLa_RXJU8

It doesn’t look overly peaceful

Theresa May will tell the House of Commons later on today why it is essential for the UK to spend billions upon billions on a missile system that we’re not allowed to use without the US saying we can even though they’ve got lots of missiles of their own and in the event of nuclear war will hog all the blowy-uppy action for themselves in order to make America, F*** Yeah! action films about it later. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Defence, Politics

Hard Water Cup retained by Yorkshire in wet final

The Hard Water Cup.

The Hard Water Cup.

FINAL SCORE: Yorkshire 6-1 Devon & Cornwall

Yorkshire Water proved once again how hard it is, with an expected win over soft West Country underdogs in the Hard Water final in the River Calder in Yorkshire in heavy rain.

The West Countrymen had fluked a place in the final with a surprise win over Harold Waterworks last Saturday on the River Gluggle. But the visitors put in a soggy performance in Calderdale as the final ebbed and flowed during the first 20 minutes with neither side able to breach the opponent’s defences.

“We was all wet and wishy-washy,” admitted Barry Babbacombe, the flushed WC manager as they went in at half time 2-0 down. Continue reading

Comments Off on Hard Water Cup retained by Yorkshire in wet final

Filed under Around Harold, Defence, environment, floods, Sport

Syrian air strikes: MPs to examine their consciences; or ‘ask the wife’.

image

Excuse me while I let this off…

Prime Minister Cameron has sent all MPs back to their homes and constituencies this weekend with clear instructions to examine their own consciences about the exciting prospect of bombing the shit out of Syria.

“It’s diplomatic language,” explained a spokesman for Number Ten. “Most of the male members [of The Commons] haven’t got a clue how to think straight and reason with logic, especially if they try to fit it in while watching Match of the Day.

“Their wives, on the other hand, have very clear views, often expressed in a tone of voice that obviates the need for further discussion, while cooking dinner, sorting the laundry, helping the kids with their homework and planning the Christmas seating arrangements.”

“Hopefully,” he concluded, “they’ll all come back here on Monday morning, eager to toe the line, or risk hanging their members [their penises] out to dry for the foreseeable future.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Syrian air strikes: MPs to examine their consciences; or ‘ask the wife’.

Filed under bombs, breaking news, Civil rights, Defence, Labour, Society, War

Chilcot promises delivery of rapid anti-terrorist brigade by 2025 …… or thereabouts

ChilcotIn a move hardly likely to leave Jihadist terrorist squads quaking in their suicide belts, David Cameron has put the  tortoise-like Sir John Chilcot in charge of the rollout of the so called rapid deployment brigades which would be equipped to react immediately to Parisian style attacks.

Although Chilcot, whose report into the ill-fated Gallipoli campaign is keenly expected any day, was believed to be comatose, his press spokesman said that Sir John would be delighted at the news and would get things underway ‘as soon as possible’, but certainly within five years once he had been able to have a nice chat with Tony Blair. Continue reading

Comments Off on Chilcot promises delivery of rapid anti-terrorist brigade by 2025 …… or thereabouts

Filed under Defence, Politics

Trident to be replaced by Father Ted statue

maxresdefault

“Better than a thousand hollow words, are two signs that bring peace” Buddha (sort of)

Defence Secretary Michael Fallon has announced that the plan to replace Trident with £100 billion of alarming death-tech has been scrapped in favour of some statues of Father Ted and Father Dougal holding signs saying “Careful now” and “Down with this sort of thing”.

“These are perfect sentiments for modern Britain,” Mr Fallon told us. “They not only represent a certain quiet firmness and unflappable calm that is British to the core, but the fact they’re Irish and we’re stealing them to use for our own purpose is a very real reflection of how we used to behave towards the entire world in times past, which’ll hopefully deter any potential invaders.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Trident to be replaced by Father Ted statue

Filed under Defence

Putin warns he can deploy more holidaymakers within 45 minutes

'Passport? Check. Sun cream? Check. Unlimited ammunition? Check'

‘Passport? Check. Sun cream? Check. Unlimited ammunition? Check’

Vladimir Putin has warned the west that should it continue to interfere with the situation in Ukraine, he can deploy some more highly trained holidaymakers armed with passports, sun cream, and unlimited ammunition within 45 minutes.

“Obviously I know nothing about them crossing the border,” Putin said, “but I do know that Russian holidaymakers take their holidays very seriously, especially when they are on holiday from military duty and in an area that Russia is keen to control.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Putin warns he can deploy more holidaymakers within 45 minutes

Filed under Defence, International News, News, Politics

Crackdown on wannabe Syria fighters makes first high-profile arrest. PM in custody

20140621-143451-52491700.jpg
MI5 have started a government-backed crackdown on any UK citizen wishing to go to Syria to fight in the war against the Assad regime by launching a dawn raid at an address in Central London and arresting prime minister David Cameron.

“We have been looking through footage of our suspect talking of sending more fighters into region than any jihadist could hope to recruit,” MI5 head Andrew Parker said.

Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Defence, International News, Law and Order, News, Politics

Unleash hell! Britain overwhelmingly pro-war now the Taliban’s kidnapped a dog

rsz_adorable-baby-cat-cute-kitten-favim_com-284524

If the Taliban steal the British Army’s kittens as well then polls indicate that 98% of us would advocate the use of nuclear weapons.

Britain has become overwhelmingly pro-war overnight following the news that the Taliban has kidnapped one of the British Army’s bomb disposal dogs after it was loaned to US Special Forces.

“I didn’t really care about the war,” said Harold resident Melanie Delaney. “I’m mean it’s been going on for so long, like I was in junior school when it started, but now the Taliban have kidnapped a dog we should totally kill them all.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Unleash hell! Britain overwhelmingly pro-war now the Taliban’s kidnapped a dog

Filed under Defence, News

Army running out of mugs

Hammond makes do with a paper cup. Again

Hammond makes do with a paper cup. Again

Philip Hammond has admitted to confusion over the Ministry of Defence’s continual need to refresh its stock of brave idiots.

“What happens is this,” explained Hammond who, when in front of a drab background, has to jump around in order to be seen. “I make loads of soldiers redundant and then, for some reason, I have less soldiers than I need.”Sure, at Oxford I read philosophy and so sums aren’t my strong suit but even allowing for that, I’ll be honest with you, it’s a conundrum”.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Army running out of mugs

Filed under Defence, News, Politics

USA demands to know: ‘Who the hell got Iraq into this mess?’

iraq

Tony Blair (right, in balaclava) spoke of the horrors of war

After reluctantly agreeing to the Iraqi government’s desperate plea for weapons to fight insurgents who are taking over the country, the United States has angrily demanded to know how the hell the country got into such a shitty state to begin with.

American surveillance drones and Hellfire missiles will shortly  be delivered  to help with the attack on the city of Fallujah, which has fallen to Islamic militants, but US Secretary of State John Kerry insisted this morning that the USA will not continue indefinitely  to clean up “other people’s messes”. Continue reading

Comments Off on USA demands to know: ‘Who the hell got Iraq into this mess?’

Filed under Defence, International News, Religion

Navy trials commercial flights between aircraft carriers

flightdeck

‘Welcome aboard flight EJ563. Our destination is classified.’

Britain’s airport capacity problem could finally be solved, if an experimental launch of an EasyJet airliner from HMS Prince of Wales proves a success.

Head of defence staff Nicholas Houghton insisted that commercial flights between aircraft carriers would allow runways to be moved if there were complaints, and save everyone the bother of having to drive to London.

“Aircraft carriers can adapt to changes in demand”, insisted Houghton. “You can sail one down to Gibraltar if anyone wants to visit there, or divert them to the Falklands if they fancy having a look at a penguin.”

The General pointed out that building ‘just a dozen or so’ new aircraft carriers would serve as a warning to rogue nations that armies of obnoxious tourists could be deployed anywhere in the world.

Using a modified launch ramp that can handle 300 passengers and up to 15 tonnes of duty-free, HMS Prince of Wales can now launch holiday makers with less than 40 seconds warning.

Houghton admitted that passengers would need to adapt slightly before they use the new facility.

“It’s a simple matter of taking the Queen’s shilling”, he explained. “We’re talking about less than 18 weeks basic training, learning how to hold your rum and then swimming a width wearing pyjamas”, he explained.

A spokesman from EasyJet pointed out that the mobility of aircraft carriers might occasionally mean a last-minute change in destination.

“If that happens we can arrange a transfer through our sister company, EasyPedalo”, said George Otway. “But at least you’ll have half a chance of arriving in the country you chose, which is a lot better than you’d get with Ryanair.”

Passengers on the first trial spoke of some difficulties, particularly as the location of their departure aircraft carrier was a closely guarded secret.

“We were flown out here on a rendition flight via Libya, and we’ve had nothing to do for 72 hours”, said one couple. “Our hand luggage has been stolen, there’s bullet holes in our suitcase and the scenery is just one depressing sea of grey. So overall, it’s about the same as flying out of Luton.”

1 Comment

Filed under Business, Defence, Travel

Comic Relief ‘still targeting poor and needy’

rapier wit

I say I say I say: two missiles walk into a kazbah. Boom boom!

Comments Off on Comic Relief ‘still targeting poor and needy’

Filed under Defence, Politics

War veteran beaten to death for not wearing poppy

poppy
A man found battered to death on waste ground is believed to have been killed simply because he was not wearing a Remembrance Day poppy. His death is being treated by police as a ‘charity initiative that may have gone a little too far’.

Ironically, the victim, named locally as Roland Richardson, was himself a veteran of the Falklands conflict. Although he was not wearing a poppy on the day of his death, it is thought that this was simply because he had not transferred his poppy to his jacket when going out that morning. Continue reading

Comments Off on War veteran beaten to death for not wearing poppy

Filed under Defence, News

Sadness as UK loses capacity to build massive, deadly warships

ship

The thought of not being able to do this is too much for many to bear.

Politicians of all persuasions have spoken of their sadness that the UK can no longer build as many massive, deadly warships as it once did.

Massive, deadly warships have been a traditional part of British life for over 500 years, and a traditional part of the lives of many other countries that happen to have a shoreline.

From such historic facilities as Portsmouth, Rosyth and the Clyde, Britain has launched an endless stream of massive, deadly warships for the offspring of local families to use as killing platforms or a heroic, watery grave.
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Business, Defence, Economy

HMS Prince of Wales: calls for new aircraft carrier to be given a well-hard name instead

Wouldn't evil-doers be more scared if this was the HMS Danny Dyer?

Wouldn’t evil-doers be more scared if this was the HMS Phil Mitchell?

In an exclusive interview Admiral Michael Dearlove told the Evening Harold that the name of one of the Royal Navy’s two new aircraft carriers is having a detrimental effect on morale.

“The first ship is called HMS Queen Elizabeth,” he said. “Now no one has any problems with that. Her Majesty was quite a fox in her day and served in the British Army during the Second World War even now I think it’s fair to say that she often has a look in her eye which tells you that in a fight she’d wouldn’t mess around and would go straight for the eyes and the balls.” Continue reading

Comments Off on HMS Prince of Wales: calls for new aircraft carrier to be given a well-hard name instead

Filed under Defence, News, Royals