Tag Archives: Harold

by | April 13, 2013 · 9:00 am

Football club to hold minute’s silence in memory of the Ironing Lady

silenceIt has been confirmed that a minutes silence will be observed before Harold Thursday’s game on Saturday as a mark of respect following the passing of Teresa Macster, the first female Mayor of Harold, known locally as the Ironing Lady on account of the fact that she ran a laundry business in the village.

‘Mrs Macster never really understood sport,’ said club chairman Billy McKean, ‘but this club owes her a great debt as she chose to sell off the cricket ground, rather than the football field, which guaranteed our pathetic survival to this day.’ Read more here…

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by | April 9, 2013 · 1:14 pm

17 year old Police snitch apologises for crude graffiti

CaptureAt an emotional press conference, Simon Delaney only recently appointed as Harold’s youth police commissioner, has apologised for the series of violent, racist and homophobic drawings that he had left on the village hall’s walls in full view of the high street.

Sporting an atrocious haircut, a contrite but slightly smirking Delaney said, “I hadn’t realised people could be offended so easily. This is useful information which I will bear in mind in the future.”

Under questioning, a tearful PC Anita Flegg defended Delaney saying “This is a cock and bull story that has got out of hand. Simon was the outstanding candidate, especially since being in a wheelchair; he meets all of our quota requirements.”

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by | · 10:00 am

Village Women’s Institute caught up in global food scandal

Now we know why parmesan is the stinky cheese

Now we know why parmesan is the stinky cheese

Some of the village’s most respected female community members are keeping a low profile today after harrowing accusations surrounding food stuffs produced by the local Women’s Institute.

At the centre of the allegations is the WI’s “Organically matured grated hard cheese for pasta”, which most consumers had assumed to be a variation of the Italian favourite parmesan. However, sources claim that members have simply been using Scholl foot files to produce the shavings from the soles of their feet at little to no cost, placing it into rustic looking boxes, and selling it on for £4.99 a pop. The FSA have launched an investigation, however the WI are claiming the labelling is factually correct, and therefore no rules have been breached.

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by | April 8, 2013 · 2:09 pm

Death of The Ironing Lady at the age of 87

thatcher
Teresa Macster, known locally as the Ironing Lady, has died at the age of 87.

With her trademark handbag and ironing board, Teresa was one of the great characters of the village combining her bustling ironing business with the arduous role of Mayoress of Harold, the first woman to be elected in this position.

In her heyday, Teresa was a formidable leader, applying the same criteria to council officials as she did to laundry by separating them into “Wets” or “Drys”.
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by | · 11:30 am

Town twinning committee seeks new members as tragic incident depletes numbers

Road baghdadHarold’s town twinning committee is looking to recruit 3 new members after their latest overseas visit ended in tragedy.

The group of Harold town councillors and local dignitaries had been returning to Damascus from a highly successful community relation enhancement exercise in Aleppo when their bus was hit by a rocket propelled grenade, believed to have been fired by forces loyal to President Bashar-al-Assad. This latest incident brings the town twinning committee’s death toll to twelve. Continue reading →

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by | · 8:00 am

Harold Police arrest Yew trees

JimmyPolice made its first contribution to Operation Yewtree by arresting a stand of Yew trees overlooking the children’s playground at Harold Common. Some of the arrested trees are believed to have been leering at young children for more than 500 years.

PC Anita Flegg confirmed the arrest of the Yew trees, and said it was shocking that they had got away with their perverted behaviour for so long.

“I think we all got complacent – all we saw was a stand of attractive conifers that not only provided shade for the playground, but were doing their bit for the environment by converting life-threatening carbon monoxide into the air that we breathe. But all that good work counts for nothing when you consider how the trees stared at the children while their trunks grew harder and ever more erect.”
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by | April 7, 2013 · 10:00 am

Doctor Beeching’s Axe found under railway siding

Vikki the Viking

Vikki, 19, with the axe

Building work on a new development of twelve badly-needed speculator starter homes was brought to a halt yesterday after an ancient axe was found at the site of the old West Station in the village of Harold.

Contractors initially thought they had made a find to match the discovery of Richard III’s skeleton under a Leicester car park and called in archaeologists, but the find was found to date back only 50 years to when the infamous Dr Beeching was putting the finishing touches to his destruction of Britain’s railway branch lines.

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by | April 5, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Committee ‘delighted’ as Piers Morgan turns down invitation to open village fete

morgan
Faced with the perennial problem of finding a candidate to open Harold’s village summer fete, organisers decided to aim high this year and their ambitions have paid off with the refusal of none other than TV personality Piers Morgan to attend festivities.

‘This is fantastic news,’ committee chairman, Nick Stalling, told the Evening Harold at a celebration meal at the 38th Parallel, Harold’s North Korean restaurant. ‘We contacted him using that Twitter thing that you have and he replied almost immediately with the simple but thoughtfully chosen words “@EveningHarold No thanks.”
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by | April 4, 2013 · 7:33 am

Management Studies prodigy earns place at Dunstable Metropolitan University

ProdigyMeet Simon Kettle – Harold teenager, school badminton club member and from October, the youngest undergrad at Dunstable Metropolitan University, reading Management Studies.

The 14-year-old’s stream of pseudo-profound motivational jargon is such that even his head of General Studies at The Shining Future Academy and IT Achievement Haven (formerly Harold Comprehensive), Clive Morris, is unable to keep up.

“He was spouting vacuous soundbites almost as soon as he could talk,” said proud Mum, Julie Kettle, owner of Cuts Both Ways scissor emporium on the High Street. “He was all ‘actualise this’ and ’empower that’. Our main challenge has always been creating opportunities for him to talk claptrap with professional tossers of a much higher level.”

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by | April 3, 2013 · 12:00 pm

BREAKING NEWS: Graham Norton arrested naked in High Street

graham

Disgusting Graham Norton wasn’t this one

49-year-old Irish television presenter Graham Norton, host of comedy chat show The Graham Norton Show, shares his name with a man arrested naked in Harold village’s High Street this morning, it has emerged.

Norton, who took over the prestigious Friday night slot on BBC One from Jonathan Ross in 2010, is not the same man as the Harold local who police detained today for performing a lurid dance routine on the steps of the Boer War memorial, naked apart from Wellington boots and a Phillips screwdriver.

Openly gay Norton, who is known for his camp demeanour, innuendo-laden dialogue and flamboyant presentation style, has nothing in common with the local man (who has been detained for further questioning) other than the shared name, which is a total coincidence.

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by | · 7:21 am

Residents fearful as DCI Barnaby buys retirement cottage in village

Nettles

Jersey has already said ‘no’

The normally peaceful village of Harold was thrown into turmoil last week when Gill Gates, manager of local estate agents Lacrymans & Co, revealed that Rose Cottage, a character period property in a sought-after position with excellent access to all amenities, was being purchased by a DCI Tom Barnaby, formerly of Causton, Midsomer.

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by | April 2, 2013 · 5:08 pm

Wheelchair teen’s job fury

Impressive but could he stop an old woman from stealing cat food?

Impressive but could he stop an old woman from stealing cat food?

A young Haroldian is claiming that he was turned down for a job as a security guard at the Harold branch of Tesco Express because he uses a wheelchair. Referring to himself as an “extreme sitter” Simon Delaney (17) says that he would be much more effective in the role than the current incumbent, William McKean.

‘Have you seen the state of that fat bastard?’ A furious Delaney demanded. ‘What’s he going to do when he sees someone shoplifting? Sweat at them until they stop? I’m rolling twice as fast as a man can sprint. No one’s getting away from me, it’s not happening. McKean’s about as much use as tits on a fish.’ Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

Logistics error sees morris men deployed to war-zone

This soldier praised for resisting the urge to shoot

This soldier praised for resisting the urge to shoot

A decision to allow both Harold’s branch of the Territorial Army and the village’s morris dancers to share use of the village hall is to be reviewed. This follows a transportation error which saw the whole flange of morris dancers deployed to Kabul, Afghanistan.

The jingling hanky wavers were due to travel from the hall to Sidcup for the National Prancing Championships. Unfortunately a coach was also due at the hall to take the TA to RAF Brize Norton to fly out to the war-zone and take up a combat role against the Taliban, a coach the morris men accidentally but keenly boarded.

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by | · 8:00 am

Somali production of Pirates of Penzance plays to captive audience

The Harold International Arts Festival got off to a rollicking start when the entire audience was held hostage and relieved of their valuables at the Somali Players production of The Pirates of Penzance.

The Gilbert and Sullivan favourite was the headline act at the Arts Festival, and the Somali players had already caused a stir by arriving in town on small inflatable craft up the Harold River. That publicity stunt, plus earlier reviews that the show was “captivating”, ensured there was a full house at Harold Village Hall.
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