Jacob Rees-Mogg likes to have a firm grip on the pulse of the nation
“Women bear a moral responsibility for being women” says Jacob Rees-Mogg “and for all that goes with it. Having a vagina, uterus, womb, being attractive to rapists. That sort of thing.”
Mr Rees-Mogg opposes abortion as “morally indefensible”, even after a woman has been raped. “When a man gets raped he doesn’t run off to his doctor, Continue reading
This quokka’s only smiling because it doesn’t know how dumb it is
Australia has officially taken over from the USA as global village idiots following a recent flurry of good ideas from Washington on things like healthcare, gay marriage and extremism. As he received the golden sheep’s bladder on a stick from Barack Obama during a ceremony in Canberra earlier today, Prime Minister Tony Abbott said that he is delighted by his country’s rise. Continue reading
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Filed under International News
Security Holey?
His Holiness Pope Francis, the leader of the Catholic Church, has stepped down following a media storm over his views on same-sex marriage.
Pope Francis was appointed just last March but came in for heavy criticism after it emerged that the Vatican still did not support gay weddings. Thousands of users of the popular “Catholicism” system protested on forums and threatened to uninstall their moral compasses.
Cardinal Paulo Evaristo Arns, most senior member of the Pope’s inner advisory team, announced the decision in a blog post.
“The Catholic Church prides itself on being held to a different standard and, this past week, we didn’t live up to it,” he wrote.
“We know why people are hurt and angry, and they are right: it’s because we’re a crusty old male-dominated bunch of gangsters, riddled worm-like with corruption and perversion. We must try harder.” Continue reading
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Filed under Religion, Technology
“Lucky buggers”
However, when Harold couple, Chantel and Dave Brooke, felt their marriage was a in a rut and becoming a little too secure, they looked around for a solution that would loosened the shackles of marriage. Since they had no wish to become totally decoupled they hit upon the idea of having their two year marriage downgraded to the status of civil partnership. Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, News
Don’t hold out for that invite, Bernard…
Following BBC research revealing that 20% of people would refuse to attend a gay wedding, another poll coincidentally found the same percentage of people “simply too drab and awful” to get an invitation to one anyway.
The BBC Radio survey on the eve of legislation allowing same-sex marriage in England and Wales also found that fat, stupid men were nearly twice as likely to be kept away as slim, funny attractive people like us.
The poll of 1,007 people found 68% agreed gay marriage should be permitted, with 32% too wrapped up in wallowing in their own filth to respond. Continue reading
The wages of sin is this face on our televisions forever.
Piers Morgan has been axed from CNN and will undoubtedly be returning to live and work in the UK. As most Britons consider packing a case and heading for the exits one Ukip councillor has blamed this latest blow to the nation’s morale on David Cameron and the legalisation of gay marriage. Continue reading
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Filed under News, Politics, Showbusiness
Idiot also blamed avalanches on snow.
An idiot has been ridiculed by politicians from all parties for suggesting a link between rainfall and flooding.
Notorious mouth-breather Jeremy Hostage made the howler at an emergency council meeting, set up to discuss how to combine flood defences with witch hunts.
“Eddie of the Pagan Party had just claimed that the badger cull was to blame”, said Cllr Ron Ronnson. “He produced some pretty convincing data that this had angered Agrona, the goddess of slaughter. According to Eddie she’s ‘besties’ with Addanc the Primordial Giant, so he surfed here from his home on the Lake of Waves and punished us with floods and damp sofas.”
Nigel Forage of the Bigot Party condemned Eddie as a heathen, and explained that a lesbian wedding was more likely to blame. Ron Ronnson dismissed this theory as ‘nonsense’ but didn’t completely rule out snogging Forage, to see if either of them got wet.
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Filed under Around Harold, Badgers, environment, Pagans
“Till Marriage Us Do Part”
When blushing bride, Chantel Meth-Davies, arrived at a tranquil country church for her wedding with David Brooke, she had no idea that less than an hour later she would be married, according to an extraordinary law suit launched today.
“No one said I would be married by the end of the service,” said Ms Meth-Davies, 25, who refuses to use her married name. “I just wanted a nice wedding with flowers, my friends and a party to celebrate my relationship with Dave, not marriage.”
“When we visited the vicar to book the church, she never once mentioned that I would end up married,” Chantel complained. “She ran on and on about Holy Matrimony and all that when we first visited her, but I just assumed that the usual load of religious mumbo jumbo that they go in for.” Continue reading
Rooney getting married mid-pitch probably didn’t help
Moyes pointed to God’s reputation for ‘working in mysterious ways’, and said that God needed to find other ways of show His displeasure given that the traditional ‘lots of rain and floods’ is now just considered normal weather in the UK.
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Filed under Sport
God: sometimes He must really regret that promise to Noah.
God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth, has blamed the heavy floods of stupidity that have recently battered Britain on Ukip.
In an exclusive interview with the Evening Harold God said that Ukip members, like David Silvester the Henley-on-Thames councillor who claimed that the recent bad weather has been caused by gay marriage, are making the country thicker by acting “arrogantly against common sense.” Continue reading
WBC protest with their new and improved signs
The notoriously homophobic group have until now been bitterly against same-sex relationships, preaching their hatred with their infamous banners whilst protesting at military installations, schools and at the funerals of fallen soldiers. However in a bid to rebuild numbers in their church, the church’s founder Pastor Fred Phelps has decided to get right behind the gay community.
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Filed under International News, News, Politics, Religion
Where are all the canapes?
“I heard the message loud and clear that not all groups in society should be allowed to marry” said Cameron. “When I saw the activists foam at the mouth and roll their eyes randomly while spouting anti-gay hate, I realised something had to be done.”
“It was either ban swivel-eyed loons from marrying and breeding or transport them all to Australia. Unfortunately Australia has already filled their swivel-eyed loon quota so marriage ban it is.”
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Filed under Felching Bumsquats, International News, Lifestyle, Politics
Who wouldn’t want to live next door to Biggins? He’s lovely.
The Daily Mail notorious for its homophobic editorials and columnists is set to reverse its stance on gay marriage after realising that it will improve house prices in the UK.
“It’s a well known industry fact,” said Harold estate agent, Gill Gates. “Gay people actively improve neighbourhoods and drive up house prices as more and more people realise that instead of living next-door to Terry and Stacey, their six kids and a rottweiller they can be next to two married guys with an adorable kitten.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News
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